Is THIS Pattern SABOTAGING Your Relationships? | Fearful Avoidant & Anxious Attachment

[@Ridingrules10000]

"I don't trust other people to do it as well as I do it, so I'm just going to do it myself." Yep. I've seen that. If you do that, try not to. You will end up feeling resentful because no one will help you, which happens because you micromanage them and complain about the help. The people you need to help you will feel like you don't appreciate anything they do, so they stop helping you. They feel resentful too.

[@gregoryritchie7852]

FA here - perfectionist people pleaser for fear of being called "lazy". Both parents emotionally checked out, realized this and adopted child-rearing strategy: "We're not here to serve you, you're here to serve us".

[@imsunnybaby]

love you brother

[@Mystic_Paths]

People with a fearful avoidant attachment style often crave intimacy but are deeply afraid of being hurt or rejected.

[@landy952]

That’s every anxious attachment style but it comes out in different behavior

[@HelloworldWelcometoMylife1]

That sounds like me, I learned a lot today. well with a twist of having AuDHD, PDA makes it an even more complicated situation

[@joshliam1967]

Sorry to hear your dog went through that and hope they're okay! Thank you for sharing that and reminding us it's important to prioritize what's most important to avoid burnout.

[@alexisb.8965]

Lol yikes....called out 😂 I've been working on this and it's so hard to pull away from unhealthy people that take advantage of this *feature* because they feel betrayed or neglected when you're not managing things for them.

[@niccacollier2812]

This is one of your best videos yet, Thais! And that's saying a lot! 💗

[@momione11]

👍🏻My grand mother mother my grandmother,my mother and me.I feel others inside me.But i got sick.

[@con-can571]

I don't ask for help because no one does anything without wanting some kind of payment. I can't afford to pay people to help me, so I do it myself.

[@Calicokitty2]

This is so helpful! Thank you for the practical steps to work on it.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Happy to hear this helped!

[@joshmacneal2545]

So sorry about your dog Thais. My wife and I lost two of our four dogs in the last year 😭

[@KatherineColeTipsandTools]

I struggled with the same with my pup. Tumor in his brain and led to seizures. Was so awful!

[@danitaoliver264]

❤ Thias, How far along on your Healing Journey were you b 4 you embarked on your Coaching and Therapy Practice. I want to know if I'm far enough to be of help to others????😊

[@HelloworldWelcometoMylife1]

Scared or actually not a fear but a feeling of uselessness in doing that, to ask for health to ask for mental health help because I feel like the "professionals" don't get me like I did most of the work already like they are not as intelligent as me the internet and ChatGPT are better than therapy feel like I have done more progress like dis doing research and just doing it on my own it feels useless to ask for help that's it's just not worth it I'm a better therapist that an actual therapist that's how I feel

[@kubbybear5458]

Same, this + your other comment

[@sifublack192]

Ah, this explains a lot. My FA friend got angry at me some years ago when I didn't ask her for help after getting my car repossessed. I was telling her how I made a major sale in my business and was able to get it back, and she asked me why I never asked for her help. I told her it was my problem and I needed to solve it. I wasn't going to ask to borrow $3k! My exes (who were AP) were the same way. They were always upset when I didn't ask them to help. One ex insisted on driving an hour north to pick me up from the train station simply because the train was running late. She wouldn't take no for an answer. Another ex did something similar some years ago, insisting to come pick me up when I was 45 minutes north working at a major theme park. I told her I was going to call an Uber but she wouldn't take no for an answer. I can now see the codependency and taking on the needs of others was the root of their behavior. Great video!

[@landy952]

The downside of that is they often “help” in ways that don’t even consider what you want or what would be helpful. It’s about making them feel good about themselves and useful. It’s sometimes not helpful at all and when you’re not happy about someone assuming they know what’s best for you they fly into a victimizing rage of “you’re so ungrateful” and make your issue and whatever happened to you all about them and turn themselves into the victim since they couldn’t be helpful. My AP did this and there were certain situations that weren’t about him at all, he flew into a rage that in a panic about my dads health I wasn’t acting grateful for him not calling me back (since he ASSUMED he was being helpful by NOT calling me back after I said my dad caught Covid back in 2020 since he assumed I would call him back). He assumed I needed SPAce and he was being helpful by giving it to me. I was so hurt he didn’t even text or call me back for two hours after I told him my dad was sick. I wrote him like: well thus feels pretty shitty that my friends all texted my back and I’m panicked and crying and you didn’t. He flew into a rage and made everything be 100 times worse. I was crying and panicked about my dad and my ex made it about how hurt HIS feelings were. WTAF. Never Again with any unhealed AP OR DA OR FA. Eff that’s not my problem

[@sifublack192]

@@landy952 well yes, the AP attachment style is very much the type to "Horn in" on things believing they are helping. I remember when my father died back in 2022 my girlfriend at the time (who was AP) was trying to get me to react as she would. She even told me how it was "bad luck" for her because her previous boyfriend's father had died as well. I just told her that I understood death was a part of life and that it simply doesn't affect me the same way as it does others. However, she continued to press me to get a reaction out of me and was frustrated when she couldn't. All that said, I find most APs (and women in general) want to see their men react, yet often don't respect their men when they do. I've learned it's best to maintain stoicism and deal with the negative feelings on your own. I tend to only show my positive feelings to the public (unless someone crosses me and then I show anger).

[@landy952]

@@sifublack192 so my ex was a man, but honestly, that is the most confusing dynamic I have ever been a part of. I had one DA and that was toxic as hell, but this was a whole other level. I’ve never seen anybody make absolutely everything about themselves and the way that they try to portray themselves as being helpful and a good person. It was just exhausting. It was like having a puppy following you around just desperate, but then getting angry like a toddler when they didn’t get the reaction that they wanted.

[@sifublack192]

@@landy952 that sounds more like FA behavior as opposed to DA. I have a good friend who is FA and the behavior you describe is IDENTICAL to hers. In essence she often creates that push/pull dynamic.

[@roni.cuh.9647]

My DA ex would call me lazy when I would get sick and want to lay in bed. Also, growing up with 5 other siblings left me feeling alone alot of times. So I empathize with others, leaving me drained with their emotional baggage.

[@imsunnybaby]

amazingggg amazinggggggg yayyyyyy

[@melinab7771]

the constant zooming in and out is really distrurbing, kept me from being able to focus on the talk :(