It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People with Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, shares her insights into narcissism, how narcissistic abuse survivors can heal, how to get support, and how to care for yourself when writing and promoting a book on tough topics.
Dr. Ramani’s Bio: Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in California, the founder and CEO of LUNA Education, Training and Consulting, and professor emerita of psychology at California State University Los Angeles. She is the New York Times bestselling author of It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. She is also the author of multiple other books including Don’t You Know Who I Am: How to Stay Sane in the Era of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility and Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. She has lectured and trained therapists around the world on best practices on working with clients experiencing narcissistic abuse and has developed a 36-hour virtual training and certification program in conjunction with PESI to train clinicians on how to use an Antagonism-Informed approach with clients experiencing narcissistic relationships. Dr. Durvasula hosts a popular KZbin channel with over 1.6 million subscribers, hosted the critically acclaimed podcast Navigating Narcissism, and is a featured expert on the digital media platform MedCircle. She has also been widely involved in the governance of the American Psychological Association, including the APA Leadership Institute for Women in Psychology and the APA Minority Fellowship Program. Dr. Durvasula received her M.A., and Ph.D. degrees in clinical psychology from UCLA, and completed her internship and post-doctoral training at the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute. She completed her Bachelor of Science Degree in Psychology, with a minor in sociology in 1988 at the University of Connecticut. She resides in Los Angeles, CA.
Resources Mentioned During This Episode:
Dr. Ramani’s Healing Program: doctor-ramani....
Healing from Gaslighting Course: doctor-ramani....
Course on Narcissistic Abuse for Therapists: catalog.pesi.c...
Dr. Ramani Network: firesidechat.c...
Episode Highlights
6:11 How Narcissism Affects You
11:47 Narcissism versus Antagonistic Behavior
16:21 Radical Acceptance and the Problem of Toxic Hope
28:00 The Disengagement Continuum
33:00 Disenfranchised Grief
38:00 Breaking Through Cognitive Dissonance
43:00 Healing and Getting Support
51:46 Dr. Ramani’s Best Writing Advice
Connect with Dr. Ramani
Website: doctor-ramani....
KZbin: @DoctorRamani
Instagram: @DoctorRamani
X@DoctorRamani
TikTok: @DoctorRamani
Connect with your host, Lisa:
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Website: lisacooperelli...
Instagram: / lisacooperellison
KZbin: / @lisacooperellison
Facebook: / lisacooperellison
LinkedIn: / lisa-cooper-ellison-b5...
Sign up for Psychology of Character Development for Memoirists: janefriedman.c...
Produced by Espresso Podcast Production: www.espressopo...
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narcissistic abuse, healing, narcissism, narcissistic abuse survivor, narcissistic abuse support# narcissisticabuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #narcissisticparent #writingtips #podcast #writingcommunity #memoir

[@sandracaezza7234]

Ty Dr R for mentioning the tentacles of addiction. I’m finding those break away everyday, no contact is key. I was addicted to the breadcrumbs. His history is relapse/recovery/ rinse repeat. Understanding the personality style has connected so many dots in my healing. My solitude now is a glorious peace & pride in my integrity for 24 yrs. TY for my daily dose of well-being. This book is amazing 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻👍🏻

[@lisacooperellison]

I'm so glad you enjoyed this episode and that it supports your healing. And thank you for sharing your story. While not everyone is willing to go no contact, it's a choice many of us have to make--myself included. Making it is the hardest part. But afterward, there can be so much freedom.

[@christigreen4564]

To see the narcissistic person in reality can feel like I am betraying him. You said something like that… omg. Yes, I don’t want him to think I’m taking advantage of him. He doesn’t feel that way… he just doesn’t want to be alone. Can I take care of myself and stay with him. That state of tension is there for me. How long can I live that way. I’m 68.

[@lisacooperellison]

My heart is connecting to yours as someone who's also struggled with this pain. This is one of the reasons why I wanted to interview Dr. Ramani. So many people, especially women, get caught in these traps. Her insights and wisdom are invaluable.

[@annem31]

Great conversation ...and I love your cat😼

[@lisacooperellison]

She's such a little diva and so so very loved! Thanks for listening!

[@lisalambert81865]

Ok this is for DR.Ramani. My daughter watches your videos and has come to the conclusion that I am a narcissist, I have been in therapy and went for a complete psychiatric evaluation and have been told I am NOT a narcissist, I won’t say that I had and might still have narcissistic tendencies or traits by being raised in a narcissistic and toxic family, being the scapegoat of the family, never learning any other way of beings I went into therapy after calling for my own intervention from my daughters. I ain’t where I want to be yet but I’m not where I was,that’s for sure. I have try to convey to my children that they weren’t raised by a healthy person and that they/we need help. So please help me understand or figure out what I can do to repair our relationship, or is it so far gone? I offered therapy together but they won’t do it. I listen to you and I see me and my mom and I can see my behaviors with my children. I have your book and am planning I reading it and working again as so staying in therapy becomes I want to be a better version of myself and who I was raised to be , so help!!!!

[@jimstenlund6017]

Guessing you’re a Borderline?

[@loveoneanother881]

I would love to join your webinar in the future. Or if you sell on demand. 🌹💃💖 Healing is a walk that never leaves your side.

[@lisacooperellison]

You can register and get the recording by clicking here: janefriedman.com/the-psychology-of-character-development-for-memoirists-with-lisa-cooper-ellison/. The link is only good through this coming Monday, 6/24. I typically teach classes like this for Jane Friedman every two years, so I don't know when I'll teach it again.

[@roxanemarin5387]

ACA is better than Al anon for dealing with family dysfunction. Big difference in programs. ACA focuses on dysfunctional relationships. It doesn’t focus per se on codependency or addiction. Would be great if speakers knew the different programs

[@lisacooperellison]

Thanks for listening and for adding to the conversation. I love learning from listeners. The group I participated in was technically an Al-Anon/ACA group, so I benefited from both perspectives, but I referred to it as Al-Anon for short. What specific benefits have you seen in ACA that someone can't get from Al-Anon. When do you think someone should consider an online ACA group versus an in-person Al-Anon group. I'm thinking of this specifically for people in rural communities who may not have access to both. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. :)

[@carolkraus2422]

I love having the book can see and hear at same time. Refer back too. It is quiet also. I think good for Autistic community who often fall victim.

[@lisacooperellison]

Yes, I think this is a great idea, especially since, as you said, people in the Autistic community are vulnerable to this kind of abuse.

[@lisalambert81865]

OK I’ve listen to this whole video and I would like to know what happens when the person with the bad behaviors tries to change but other people are holding said person in the same position of the bad behavior they’re not allowing for the changes, and are scapegoating and using them as the garbage can for all the issues and all the problems? They are are in the right and have no issues to deal with or heal. How do you work through that and find a place where both people have the relationship that they want.

[@lisacooperellison]

I think that's beyond the scope of this conversation. However, what you describe sounds like something that needs to be worked through with a skilled couples counselor who knows how to navigate this issue. That way, both people can decide if this relationship is reconcilable. I hope that helps.

[@lisalambert81865]

@@lisacooperellison it’s not couples, it my children and they believe that I am the only one that’s the issue and they don’t need to go to counseling.

[@purvamandlik4696]

If your spouse is turning your children against you, I would strongly tell you to avoid couples therapy. Go alone and figure it out. Watch videos by Dr Ramani on parental alienation, triangulation, gaslighting by tribe, etc. ❤ don't tell others what you are learning till you are really ready. ❤

[@TKouklaki]

Time for women to wake up ! ( Radical feminism)

[@lisacooperellison]

Agreed. And yet it's so easy for both men and women to fall into this trap, especially when they're raised by narcissists.