It's okay if you can't do it anymore

[@Shartreuse1312]

I want to tell you that you do not owe any of us a full detailed description of something that we know was very traumatic! I wouldn’t want you to go through making that video unless you felt it was necessary for yourself! 💞

[@rocketraccoon98]

Agreed. 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈

[@onyinyea]

Thank you I really appreciate that. I’ve been keeping pretty healthy and strong boundaries with what I want to share but it helps to hear it from someone else as well

[@corriemcclain7960]

It always surprises me how often someone else who is estranged from family says the same things I have thought. The justification we put ourselves through is awful. My situation is completely different from yours, but the trauma is so similar. It shouldn't surprise me at this point, but it does and it also remind me, it's universal not a personal failing.

[@FabulousKilljoy]

I haven’t spoken to my dad in almost 2 years, and my mom in almost 3. Best decision I ever made was to tell them I couldn’t do it anymore.

[@onyinyea]

Well done for choosing you❤️

[@mewnboy]

“Waiting for them to finally understand” god yeah. you’re hitting a lot of notes for me. thank you for sharing this, I’m still going through it.

[@messanya]

It's so hard to foster a relationship with my family when I know that they'll kick me out once they know. I feel like I have to treasure the times I have now, because, in a few years, my parents won't even want to look at my face. It's sad, but life goes on, and you have to prioritize yourself in these cases.

[@marsintheory]

This video popped up in my feed right as I'm dealing with some pretty intense devolution of my relationship with my family over them non-stop harassing me over my decision to get a trans affirming surgery. My experiences are definitely a bit similar to yours. I left when I was 17, moved to another country, and it's just been a decade since of trying so hard to make things work, putting up with lots of queerphobic abuse and being deadnamed and misgendered and taking a huge psychological toll from the emotional labour to justify your existence to them. And yeah, it's that thing, where they always say they love me and that I'm the difficult/selfish one when I temporarily block them or try to establish boundaries etc., so watching this was really exactly what I needed to hear, thank you so much. 💛💛I don't know yet whether I'm estranged, but just hearing that it's okay to distance myself even though I love them is so helpful.

[@JC-jd1us]

It's ok to go very low contact with them where you only talk to them once every few years or a year. But honestly after being estranged from my birth giver for the past eight years and my dad for the past three now, it's been the best decision. I've made my own family and it's been a process for sure, but I'm glad that I did. I'm at peace and it just feels nice to not wake up and be harassed by a phone call or by themselves in person.

[@ilikecarseatheadrestplusim6018]

I think another part of it as well, what makes letting go so hard is that "cutting ties" with your family often feels like you're given two options: either you stay in their lives and keep giving them more chances, or you go completely "fuck them I hate them I have no family I don't need them". and it's always way more complex than that. I feel like we should be able to say that for some of us "found family" does not fill that void, there are some parts of myself that my mother and father will understand about me and relate to me with that no one else in the world will be able to. I feel pressured a lot of the time to be that person who doesn't need/want blood family support and I think that every single person on the planet in some way actually does.

[@ThatFlamingFroggo]

I'm not estranged, but contact is limited. There is a thread of commonality in that as I am Queer, and biracial, (Black and white [American[), there are some challenges I experience with family on my dad's that feels uniquely colored by the ways older Black folk cope with all the isms which can be unhealthy, that just doesn't lend to Queer and Trans identities. Hell, mental health too can be a tedious subject too. While I love them so much, and long for a closeness that is clearly lacking, coming to terms that it's not just me who is responsible for a relationship has been hard but also a relief. And I'm over a decade older than you. I've come to terms with this, with different members at different times. I'm tired of being made to feel I'm a burden, or some screw up, and every time I see them, something happens where my emotions are diminished and dismissed, and I feel responsible for explaining the same things about my Trans identity, on repeat. Workin on a letter actually, to get a lot of thoughts and emotions out and it has been really therapeutic. It's taking a while since it's full of a lot of things that need to be said.

[@onyinyea]

Good luck with your letter, I really hope it helps you to get out everything you need it say

[@JC-jd1us]

Just so people know if you need to get a copy of your passport, government ID, birth certificate if your in the US you can go online to vital statistics website, then go to your state and get it from there. You can order it out of state but you have to follow their directions. In case people didn't want to deal with their parents or the parents wouldn't let them get their stuff (which is illegal).

[@faenene]

I am a queer and trans kid in an unsupportive household. Also having audhd, making and keeping friends is very difficult for me, so I wanted my family to be my only friends. But nothing I do seems like it could ever change their minds. I am sad and scared of having to find new people who will accept me. I hope I can be happier. Thank you for sharing your story, it is interesting and helpful to others in similar circumstances. Good luck with your surgery, I hope to have one in the future as well. I also very appreciate the captions :)

[@M00N_IVY]

I hear you. I'm 23 but just know there are so many people who understand your feelings even if they aren't directly in your life. Let's keep going and I hope for both of us we can be safer and more content with our lives surrounded by people who understand and support us. You got this.

[@NancyW96CatLady]

What you are saying about "maybe if I explain it a different way", is so relatable. I feel like I have always been trying to explain myself, who I am, what I need, in hopes of being understood and cared for. I have also always known (or felt) that one day I would be estranged from my family. I haven't left yet because I can't afford to. I might be able to leave if I had a better job or multiple jobs, but that requires my mental and physical health to be better (which would likely improve with leaving).

[@onyinyea]

I’m sorry you relate :/// I hope you get to a place where you don’t have to be around people who make you feel like that

[@the_Valinor_tourist]

I'm 16 and I live in Russia. Families usually let the kids move out pretty soon, and this action is often produced by force even. My family is, on the contrary, *very* willing to let me stay with them for as much as I want, at least, these were my parents' words. For the last year I kept explaining, trying, putting all of myself in the conversations, because I needed some self-peace so much, and they just couldn't give me that. I love my parents dearly, and that's something that they get, I think. But that's the only thing they do get about my emotions and my state of mind atm. But I have expressed my opinions and my arguments too diligently for too long. I can't do it like that. P.S. Also, living in Russia and being queer is hard on its own, and my family isn't willing to make space for me being truly me. They don't show me to fucking psychologists or the police, thank them for that at least. But there's just no space. Hope it does make any sense. Sincerely thank you for this video, this talk that felt like a conversation.

[@julia03Wipeout]

You're incredibly brave for trying again and again. I'm in a similar position currently. I will be meeting with them to retrieve my personal documents; like birth certificates, and passports but that will be the last time I'll feel comfortable seeing them again. Your voice is really important to me, and this video came at such a needed time. Thank you! I will always tune into what you have to share

[@nawalahmediman]

i’m a 19 year old aroace lesbian who just left a bigoted religion and i’m so scared that this will be the choice I’ll have to make one day , my family love their religion more than me but it’s okay i’ll learn to love myself 🫂 this video is very comforting thank you

[@unticinesetrans]

I'm so glad the youtube gods have recommended this video to me, this is exactly what I'm going through, and I also come from an immigrant family and have just gotten to the exact decision of taking a break on trying to have a conversation with my mother, because it's just hurtful and exhausting. Great work, and I'm so in love with the tattoos on your hands!

[@lorettacrooms4398]

If you are traumatized, don't rush yourself. I had to redefine family. Now I have my family of origin, and my found/chosen family. I get from my healthy community what I can't get from my family of origin. Learning healthy boundaries has been instrumental in me accepting my family of origin as they are, not as I would have them. So I can a family relationship them but with realistic expectations. I am 60+ yo. It has taken me many years and lots of help from others to let go of my dream family and love the family I have. I give to them what they can't give to me. My community gives to me what they can't. Praying for you all the best, healthiest relationships. Here is a prayer I found at ACA: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the people that I can't change. The courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me." I have learned that no matter how hard I tried, I can't change other people. I either I accept them as they are or move on from that relationship.

[@finn4647]

thank you for sharing this, i've always found it hard to give myself permission to feel upset about how the actions of others (especially family) impact me, so it's really nice to have someone say it for me. i love these videos so much, and i hope you're doing well ♥

[@33elk]

Never seen any of your videos at all before, but sometimes you just find what you need exactly when you need it. Thanks for this video. Very well said. To answer your question at the end, I was just actively listening but if you upload talks like this regularly i could definitely see myself doing something dorky with this as background noise like sorting my magic cards LOL. Feels so silly to think about with a video as heavy as this one.

[@onyinyea]

I’m really happy to hear that, I really wanted this one to reach people who needed it. And that’s not dorky at all, I always put videos in the background for the most random things haha

[@meeeeepmooooop]

I found your videos again, and thank you. 10:01 is gold; as a fellow Igbo person, this resonates so hard It's the best thing I could have done for myself, and for my parents.

[@Izzytreyvaud]

This really hit home, on a very deep level. I wish I had let myself give up when I was at my limits. All of the trying just ended up being re-traumatizing for myself and didn't actually let me see them and accept them for who they are and their own limits as humans on this planet. Thanks for this video.

[@milkydoesstuff1828]

Your voice is so relaxing and enjoyable to listen too. I also have estranged myself from close family members.. nasty experience but overall positive for my mental health better out than in has never been truer

[@cairozephyr]

I haven’t gone through anything like you have, but as a disabled queer adult still living with their parents it’s also a constant struggle to advocate for myself without feeling or coming off as pushy or picky. Without the physical or mental ability to live on my own, I can be grateful that some folks in worse domestic situations than mine have support networks and are able to leave, whether overtly or covertly.

[@dawn8293]

No contact isn't right for me, but I'm at a stage where I'm realizing that it's not my job to make this relationship work. My parents love me very much and they want me around, but they are disappointed in the "choices" I've made. Choices that I'm proud of. I see now that I can never feel accepted around them. It's always going to be messy. My mom is always going to want me to be close like when I was younger, and I'm never going to be able to give her enough of myself, because I can't really be my whole self without making her sad, and that's exhausting. I don't know. I don't plan to step away entirely, but I think I need more space.

[@elspethfougere9683]

So glad you got clear. It's the hardest thing to recognise that it's just not going to heal. When asking you to "come home" is actually about them saving face, and not about actually welcoming who you really are. Sometimes those family circumstances can just add to the family control, and the enmeshment, and insistence that that's just how it has to be.. it doesn't. You do have the right to be safe. You do have the right to heal, have support, away from coersion and control, and inherited trauma. It's truly ok. It has to be ok. Yeah, it is so much more nuanced than mostly gets shown. I'd love to listen to your thoughts on that experience and journey. Take care ❤️

[@ghoulnamedsarah7714]

this video showed up randomly in my feed, and im glad it did. i saw you knitting and got out my cross stitch project to stitch along. i like what you said about not knowing if this relationship will be over forever or come back. i believe anyone can change, but its not up to me to wait here and take the abuse until that happens. i dont want to build up habits mirroring my father's by not making the big choices i need to make for my peace and safety

[@yorukaadams940]

I was filling out an apprenticeship application while this video played. I'm 18, fled home too (I was rather forced out, but you know), and I'm homeless, at the moment. I have a lot of freedom, not enough money to enjoy it, but I'm much happier than I was there. My depression cleared up, I'm coming along in my transition, and I can wear what I like! I'm getting housed hopefully soon, hopefully by the end of the month because I want to celebrate my birthday for once & enjoy things. Rent is incredibly cheap for the area since it's a housing project, so I'm looking forward to having an actual address. I'm printing out my deed poll tomorrow & getting friends to sign off on them. I don't want to see my family again. My sisters don't talk to me much, which is a dampener on my mood, but I'll be fine for the most part. I get stares from family members and family friends when I go out, since Somalis are such a judgemental, rude bunch. I used to care, since they'd tell Mum and she'd yell at me again, but now I have no parents to answer to. I have new friends, I can strengthen bonds with old ones, and I don't really miss my parents. They're grown ass people who chose to treat me the way they did. They chose their honour and religion over my life. I choose my life over their god. It's that simple.

[@UndeadGirlCyber]

I am lucky to have a good relationship with my parents but parts of your video reminded me of an abusive relationship I was in. Specifically the part about it being my fault if I give up and feeling like there are not enough words in the world to explain myself in a way where I would be understood (because the other person can't or doesn't want to understand). Thank you for sharing.

[@finnster3276]

this video found me at such a good time ! im also queer, first gen poc, love crocheting, just turned 18, with very unsupportive parents, and dealing with so many thoughts of estrangement . ive been threatened to be kicked out but i want to leave on my own accord , i just dont have any body to fall back on but myself and thats too risky :( but seeing you gives me a lot of hope for the future . you have such a comforting voice and im excited to see ur crochet and marathon journey :)) one day i hope i can be free and happy like you !

[@M00N_IVY]

You are doing a great job. I'm in the same boat as you although I'm 23. I hope we both can be happy and free soon despite the difficulty. It's very smart of you to think about the fact you don't have anyone to fall back on but yourself. I'm the same way. I guess it's about trying our best until things line up. I wish you the best.

[@sobers8105]

This is very scary. Because this came at just the right time for me. I actually rlly needed to hear this. I’m trans and I’m gonna tell my parents soon and it’s not going to go well. So u have helped me thank u

[@onyinyea]

I’m wishing you all the best, you’ll be okay no matter what❤️

[@echelus]

This just popped up in my recommendations and I'm so glad it did. It hit close to home because I am also a 22-year-old lesbian from an immigrant family (albeit in Australia, not the UK). I have not yet managed the courage to run away from my parents' house. I also care so, so much for my family and it has stopped me from living the life I want to lead. I am glad you managed to get out of there and I hope someday they can understand. I wish you a safe journey from here on out. From what I can see of it your crochet is delightful.

[@vslifeofcycles5415]

This video was beautiful! I'm so glad I found you! I listened while I did chores at home. I am a white, queer US citizen who works in a middle school supporting immigrant families. Thank you for sharing your story ❤

[@TipseyToes]

Thank you! My no contact was a 20 year journey. No one ever makes these decisions on a whim. And like you, I remember dreaming of 'escape', even as a young child. My situation was from a cult upbringing and toxic family background, and I finally chose me in my 40s. I remember talking to a therapist that I felt selfish. She said 'so what?' That made all the difference. We will constantly put ourselves last to protect the most toxic person or group of the family. We will take the abuse over and over, yet tell ourselves that it's selfish to want to be treated decently. Ugh! So yes, no contact is messy and sad. I think that grieving process will continue until I am dead. However, I felt like taking my own life when trying to mend relationships with family. Apparently, in their eyes, my life experience is all imagined. The gaslighting is heavy. It's drowning. So I feel better away. And I will continue to stay away. I would rather gasp for air in grief then fully drown. Stay safe. Glad you chose you.

[@bluefox8011]

I was suggested this video and I am reminded of a friend that I haven't spoken to since highschool. He was gay but lost his mom and dad thr day he came out to them. It's a sad story and back then this was also when most people in our school system didn't like people like him he was threatened everyday by his peers, beat up, and more for being gay. I would sit with him at the stairs to comfort him when he was having a particularly bad day. I just hope, with what your going through you gain a good support system of friends and you and your partner find your own happiness within.

[@desareadoodles9446]

Well said. The way you articulate this is proof you have so much love for your family. Having empathy & sympathy for your parents’ struggles doesn’t negate the ways they won’t understand & love you. I do believe children are teachers to parents as well. Especially the ones doing the emotional work their parents couldn’t - due to lack of knowledge, social pressures, or having no one care for them in that way. You’re very strong & brave. And no one wants to runaway from a healthy stable family. That’s not how that works. I’m so glad you’re doing better for yourself. All the love.

[@arial.7290]

I literally went through the exact same situation of running away from home and living with my now wife’s family. It’s a lot…. especially when even after no contact they continue to reach out or show up announced. That proved to me they will never change nor respect my boundaries as long as I have a relationship with them. Best decision i’ve ever had to make.

[@Cymricus]

i came out at 18 and i’m 39 but im trying to learn to love myself more and appreciate people like you because i have suppressed so much of my own self for the world and people like you encourage us to be more authentic in our presentation and life

[@emilyb.8222]

i'm also estranged from my family. it makes life so difficult and strangers make really cruel comments when they find out. i never try to explain myself, though. i admire you for looking out for yourself like this 💛

[@existentialheart]

i got this on my recommended and immediately clicked on the video considering the vague title, and i feel like this video was made for me. i am also a black, queer, and trans person with immigrant parents. both of my parents are haitian immigrants and im a 16 year old first generation child born in the United States. i've been queer for as long as i can remember, even if i didn't know it. my parents sheltered me from LGBT media until i was about 12 and started watching queer shows and following queer people, my parents disliked this but didn't outwardly show much discomfort until i met my friend group about 3 years ago (we are all queer and/or trans) at this time i was questioning my sexuality and expressing myself through "gender non-conforming" clothing. this did not go over with my parents well because according to them i hadnt shown any signs of being queer until i met them. (they think my friends had somehow turned my queer ...?) long story short, 2022 was a really awful year for me, my parents banned me from hanging out with my friends because according to them being gay and/or transgender are a bad influence group to be around. its 2024 now and ive recently just figured out that i am a trans man, i was forced out by my mother and was ignored, told i was confused, and something along the lines of im living an "ungodly lifestyle and if i continue on this path ill go to hell" simply for just being myself and living my truth. my mom thinks this is a "phase" or a "trend" and she hopes ill grow out of it. she said that she'd rather Die than accept me as a man, and if I wanted to live my life like this than she won't be apart of it. this has been eating me up inside because even though my mother is emotionally abusive and manipulative she is my mother and I love her, she's my favorite person in the world but her love is conditional, she'll only love me as her Daughter and that Kills me. i always figured to just keep on hoping and that someday my family will come around, but after what you've said my dreams are a bit crushed. i probably needed this harsh reality but its really devastating to hear because I can't imagine a future without my mother but I can't imagine a future of living as a "woman" im so torn. I will most likely have to cut my family off in order to heal and ill need a shit ton of therapy in my 20's because my mommy issues is already effecting my relationships with other people and once I say "well my mom said..." they Immediately know. I'm a mama's boy but she'll never see me as a boy and that is something that constantly haunts me and something im constantly praying about I'm devastated for anyone else going through a similar situation, I can't promise that things will get better but know that you're not alone and you will find people who love you unconditionally

[@Bi_scotti_5]

this is what I've been needing to hear. as nice as it seems, I'm kind of tired of hearing the found family pleasantries. being given permission to stop waiting for my parents or keep trying with them is all I needed. thank you so much

[@glitcharcing]

I’ve been on both sides of this. It’s excruciating both ways… and it’s horrible know that you will never be able to change the other person. Sometimes, it feels even worse knowing you’re at fault and feeling like you’ll never be able to change. Granted, I apologize extensively for upsetting others and feel a deep sense of guilt, so when I have wronged another… it is evident that it bothers me very deeply. That doesn’t mean others have to put up with it, for sure, though… especially when you have tried to change so many times you just… can’t. The wounds are too deep, so maybe one day you’ll be better, but they’re correct in feeling like that won’t be any time soon. That is what hurts the most.

[@DangerousKaos]

Yes, I, too am am an estranged queer adult. It hurts when you think the family you grew up with is supposed to be there for you but aren’t. That’s why we have chosen family ❤ it hurts but we are stronger together. Mines were emotionally immature like 97% of them lol

[@allisavercool227]

Having to cut off contact with family is hard, no matter the reasons. Weirdly, it was almost harder to look at my life and see how much easier some things were without their disapproval. There's definitely some people who act like biological family is some mystical force made of love that binds people together, but just as often it's a social unit that gives you trauma and surviors guilt. There's nothing inherent in the nuclear family that makes it more loving or accepting than a found family.

[@hodgeh]

I was knitting along with you and as I all too often do, considering going no contact with my family. thank you for speaking openly and sharing on this subject

[@ramyachandrasekaran6340]

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. It really speaks to the current position am in right with my family. I really appreciate being able to hear someone else share their perspective on such a resonating matter. As i thought about it, i realized this felt so lovely to watch because i have been feeling so alone in my venture to run away from my family. Nobody i know has done it. The ones that have done it, aren't people i know in any form so i hadnt had the chance of hearing the actual experience of another person who had a similar experience as mine. I always felt like i dont have a blueprint for this path i have chosen. It feels like every step ahead the fogs clears as i take the step. Your video made me feel like someone else understands and has taken this path before and i feel slightly less alone.❤

[@GTaichou]

I love my family very much, but they do things that hurt me and really don't understand why it's hurtful because of their own unresolved issues. My therapist told me that my involvement with them has to be a setting of expectations, and I need to consider what I'm willing to put in if I want to continue to have that relationship, and she made it very clear that I cannot heal them for them. Like you, I was trying to make them understand, to grow, to change into the loving family that I wanted, but they've been on this earth for far many more years than I have and have not yet made that decision for themselves, so I was just letting myself down repeatedly. Just wanted to share that because it resonated so much with what you said. My father I think I'm done with - he doesn't show up, he doesn't try, and he actively undermines me to the folks around me. My mother, though imperfect, is trying her best, and finally in old age is starting to actually do some of her own personal work, so I continue to have a good, though imperfect, relationship with her. And the rest, I need to build found family for, which I found in my fiber community. ♥ Wishing you the best going forward, I hope that one day I can have a loving and supportive partner like you - she seems like a real gem and I'm so glad you have the support of her and her family.

[@hibaa8929]

sorry to comment before finishing the video, i’ll do it eventually but i was reading the comments while watching and started crying. I just wanted to talk to someone who might have the same experience as me but without having to resort to reddit lol, anyway i’m 30 and still living with my parents, but i tried running away when i was 15, 18 and the last time was when i was 24, but i always manage to get dragged back and at this point i’m thinking the only way out is dying, but i still care enough about them to not want them to find me so now i just feel really stuck, and it feels like i shouldn’t because at my age people are able to have jobs and can be independent but i only managed high school and a few months of jobs before barely being able to leave the house and i don’t know what’s wrong with me. sorry if that was all unrelated to the video but i don’t really know where else to put it

[@Lukee-22234]

There’s nothing wrong with you, I promise. I feel the same exact way, like many others in the comments, and even if it may not make things easier, the truth is, it’s the world that’s wrong, not us. We can make it right though. At least that’s what I keep telling myself to try to make it through. There’s always others who understand and know your pain, even if you don’t know those people. When I’m at my most hopeless, or when my family makes me feel like I’m not enough, I try to hope that one day soon I’ll be able feel hopeful again. When hope itself feels like too much pressure I feel that that can be a manageable alternative. I do hope one day life gets easier on all of us, friend. Take care

[@Nepeta-Leijon]

i hope your situation improves

[@M00N_IVY]

I'm 23 and in the same boat as you, well minus the running away but I almost did around 16. Nothing is wrong with us. Not everyone is capable of being independent. None of it is our fault. We just need better support systems for us to move out and live our lives but the world makes that incredibly hard. I'm so sorry you are going through that but it was never your fault. I hope it gets better and makes sense for us in time. I really do care about you and I'm glad you posted this. It validates my own experiences.

[@OO0RI]

I've never seen your content before, and I didn't expect this video to go the way it did with this title. I have a good relationship with my family, but I feel resonate with you sharing this experience because it feels relevant to my current relationship. That "limbo", that feeling of touching the hot pot over and over since its someone who should love you, who should get better with time, who should take the steps to be better for you and love you... but it doesn't happen, and it hurts. I truly fear being seen as the selfish one to leave and "give up," but I've tried so much to what feels like no avail. I needed to hear this. Thank you for sharing.

[@Dekunodeku]

The Algo suggested this video to me, and it's the first of yours I've ever seen. And for once, I feel like I need to thank the machine for sending something I really, really needed to hear. But more than that, I want to thank you for sharing your experience, for sharing this reassurance. I'll certainly be looking into your other videos/channels (because I too am a queer person who loves fibercraft!) but I just... really wanted to tell you thank you. This came to me at pretty much the exact time I needed it, and as I sit here typing, it's through tears of validation and a bittersweet acceptance that you're right. You're so, so right. The ball really isn't in our court anymore. And it's okay to let ourselves work towards healing from the guilt of pulling away and no longer trying. Thank you, and bless you (in whatever regard you believe for receiving blessings, whether spiritual, religious, or otherwise.)

[@atmmachine11]

I cut off ties with both my biological father and my siblings' step father permanently, both who were immensely abusive growing up. My childhood timeline is very complicated since I spent time from home to home including several foster homes, but for a period I lived with my half-siblings and their father + step mother. I cut off ties with him to his face almost 10 years ago now and haven't seen him since and it was one of the best choices I ever made. I also haven't seen or spoken to my biological father since I was around 11 which was another one of the best choices I ever made. My family group is extremely small, I have literally only 3 family members I am in contact with and talk to, but those ones that are in my life legitimately care about me. I know it may seem hard, but to everyone else out there who has abusive families, you CAN cut them off, and you will be okay without them. You deserve better. Take care of yourselves.

[@thebabythesavage]

Oh my jeez so first being attacked by a thumbnail and then opening to such a lovely, sweet voice I need a second- 😭😭😭

[@soliloqvy]

thank u so much for sharing ur story and for ur videos, they are so relatable and help a lot. (thank u sm for the subtitles lately too!!) oh and usually i knit or crochet while watching your videos but today i was eating

[@decayingfairy3996]

im so lucky to have a loving relationship with my parents. when i first out at 12, it didnt go well, and i had to fight for my identity for like 3-4 years because i needed the relationship and now that they’re like actively making themselves better people, being able to come out as genderfluidflux without any pushback was so nice but it needed them to put in the same effort as i was, for that responsibility of self-improvement to shift over to them if they aren’t willing to love all of you, thats their decision

[@leightonolsson4846]

I can't believe you're only 22; you're very astute and articulate. I'm glad you reached a point where you you were able to set the relationship down, for however long it may be, because it sounds like it was a great weight you had to drag around.

[@outoftheoven7388]

absolutely love your hand tats wow

[@suneater_zeef050]

i haven't yet hit the running away point but i feel as though i am nearing it whenever i have the resource. myself being queer isn't the problem, but many other things are. what you said about "preparing your whole childhood for this" resonated hard. i always knew that one day i won't be able to do it anymore.

[@ghostie7790]

being the daughter of immigrants.. yep. I understood everything you talked about. Mine are from Jamacia and it's the same stuff. Same trauma they went through, and passed it to us.. forced to listen but no one listens to us as the children. We just have to do what they say.. I had to go to therapy to learn how to finally set boundaries at age 24. I'm 30 now, it's better although they still try to push themselves on me sometimes.. I'm constantly doing better for myself and it helps that I haven't' been living in their house for some years now as an adult.

[@emilysmith6897]

6:33 THANK YOU for saying this! I've felt this way about my parents inviting me to visit them for the holidays (and on other occasions), but I never put words to it like you did. They say I'm welcome, ask me to visit, and even say they're accepting of me, but they hardly put much effort towards actually changing to become welcoming and accepting. They are at least able to use my name now for digital communication and other stuff where they have time to edit themselves before hitting send, so I guess that's a plus, but they reject ALL the resources I've offered to them to help them understand trans people and how to be accepting to trans family members, and they're still hiding me from everyone else, and they're against me being on HRT cause they blame other health conditions I've developed on HRT, and I have a hunch that if I actually visit them they'll be absolutely nasty with transphobia in person. What you said makes me feel better about having avoided visiting them for the past 5 years. Of course it's not the same as having to run away from home, and I imagine that must have been much harder. Also thanks for the subtitles!

[@pathofzeros]

as an escaped scape-goat from a narc family, I feel you. You can't change others, just your life. I came to a point where I was finished with the one sided relationships, and being the holiday host. My life is better for it. Wishing you well

[@leech5453]

thank you for sharing this. i may not be the exact person you made this video for, as i am deeply closeted (queer transmasc) around my family. i am also doing so for financial support, but i dream of the day that i can be fully honest with them. my family is from the Caribbean and even though i want to be honest with them, i fear this outcome. i fear that they will refuse to understand me and my experiences and that i will be forced to cut them off. thank you for showing that there is peace on the other side.

[@stephenie44]

What weight yarn do you use? Your vests are phenomenal You’re allowed to have boundaries, no matter your family background. Great job saying this isn’t working, I know how hard that can be.

[@chrisheartman9263]

I'm glad you did what you had to with love and care and empathy. I'm also a little envious. I moved out of my house to move in with my boyfriend with as much spite, hate and vitrol that a 22 year old could have, hate that had been brewing since I was, like, 15, if not even younger. I feel like the hate I had for my parents has broken me, so I'm glad that there's still love in you, for your parents, even if they think they know better than you in terms of how to treat you.

[@Lukee-22234]

Man I had no idea so many people were feeling the same way I’ve been feeling. Family is so tough, and I’m tired of feeling rejected all the time, like I’m the problem for something I know I’m not perpetuating. That’s why I had to leave too, I couldn’t take being scapegoated anymore. I don’t think that’s selfish. I’m glad I chose myself, even though I’m still struggling. Much love to you and anyone in a similar circumstance

[@akuma3955]

My parents don't seem to get it. I am exhausted every day and have to do so many things and I can't get them to understand. I can't move out cause I don't have money anymore, no one I know, and I'm disabled. I always circle back to the "it's not that bad, at least I have food and a room" but I am so tired. Perhaps one day I'll get the strength to run away. This video def helped me, at least to think about it in new perspectives, thank you for making this

[@ariverdreaming]

Ugh I feel you so hard and appreciate the words of affirmation. I just made the decision to be no contact with my parents, in our final conversation they admitted to not respecting me and tried to say that it’s okay because they know I don’t respect them either and that’s just family. The list of things I wasn’t allowed to talk about, the past, my identity, my work, my art, my relationships was so long I felt like I was forced to perform a role as an NPC in their dynamic of wanting to feel and look like good parents with a good relationship with their adult child rather than actually knowing and supporting me.

[@Kriscrop]

Thanks, it helps me, knowing that someone was able to put into words what I couldn't. My situation was different, but what you said sounds so much like what I feel, and it makes me feel so reassured. Hearing someone else calmly explain a feeling so familiar let's me breath and let go of all the resentment I had built up, now knowing for a fact that the pain my family dealt to me wasn't my fault

[@onyinyea]

I’m really glad it helped. I know for me sometimes it feels so much better hearing from other people what you might already know

[@emmelinesprig489]

Wow the way you described always knowing deep down that you would leave your parents… that unlocked something for me. I’d forgotten, I fantasized about running away my entire childhood since I was very young. That’s alarming now as an adult. If I had a child in my care who constantly wished they could run away from my care?… Really shows how legal guardians are the ones who determine the relationship. If they consistently fail at the relationship basics, they can’t expect a basic relationship with their adult children. I’m so proud to see your courage. I didn’t get away from my parents’ abuse until I was in my late 20s. It’s been nearly 3 years since I communicated with them, and I often look at my life and just can’t believe how peaceful and motivated I have become. I’m getting a second chance at life. Sending strength and peace and light for you on your journey. To answer your question, I listened to your video while looking at art on pinterest

[@sonofmaroons]

yes yes please make the video about breaking the cycle. your voice is so soothing and you speak about this with such tact and nuance. thank you for being here ❤️

[@onyinyea]

Thank you for watching❤️

[@tmd_95]

I was listening to your video while I played Tetris, and I was so surprised when you said how old you are! You have the wisdom and maturity of a much older person. It really spoke to me what you said about your family always saying they welcome you home, and they just want you back, so you feel like you're the villain for breaking things off. I've been in family therapy with my dad for most of this year and not one thing has improved in our relationship. If anything, it's gotten worse. Every time I vent about this people keep telling me that he must care and love me so much, because he keeps showing up. I know he does. I wouldn't have continued to put myself through therapy every week (and spend the entire next day in bed recovering because it takes so much out of me emotionally) if he didn't love me. But I'm going back to school now, moving, starting HRT...and I just can't afford to give him that much time and energy anymore. I've stretched my hand out as far as it could go and he didn't take it, so I have to pull back or I'll fall. It was very nice not to feel so alone. Thank you. Also, you have a lovely voice! It's so warm and soothing.

[@Veryvoidlove]

I relate a lot with this. I went through this last 2 years. I eventually finally got away from my parents for good this summer but it was so hard.

[@nibblesname8638]

One of the hardest lesson to learn as an adult, at least for me, was accepting that what my parents can give me is not always what I need from them. And even tho I know this I still look for that support XD Im lucky enough that they are at least trying, Thank you for your story. Sending many hugs to you.

[@v0519]

You're so majestic!!!😭😭😭😭🩷🩷🩷

[@youtubesux-whatnext]

First video I've found by you, subscribed and going to check out the other videos you've done on this n similar topics. I listened to it laying in bed FWIW.

[@asmrearthchild3315]

Everything you say and the way you talk about this topic really resonates with me. Thank you so much for being brave enough to talk about such an important and somewhat taboo topic. You’re amazing ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

[@holyholyzeddd]

Wow so grateful to have found your channel. Your a ray of sunshine

[@francisgeistwald]

a couple weeks ago after living with my parents again beyond my choice, i ended up having a conversation with my dad. i had always given him the benefit of the doubt with politics, but idk i guess i felt spicy that day. we started ACTUALLY talking about his ACTUAL beliefs - and good god, it was worse than i thought. he legitimately believes that anti-segregation laws should be removed and that companies should have the right to discriminate against people as they see fit... we had a roundabout conversation where he used air quotes around a direct discrimination i experienced in the past that i had just opened up to him about. after i asked "what about people will me who just want to exist?" and he told me we should STAY IN THE CLOSET THEN - so... yeah, i moved out yesterday aaand i feel like this video in my algorithm means something idk, im just realising how much i let him get away with.

[@citruscomb]

Your voice is so lovely. It's such a gentle & calming voice. Sorry that doesnt have much to do with the video but I keep thinking it as I listen.

[@thegeckojo5803]

Thank you immensely for sharing your story. I wish for you a happy and peaceful life.

[@VooDooMusic]

I find your voice to be so soothing. Love this video, thank you

[@sevikasstar]

thank you for sharing this, as a young lesbian hearing experiences from other queer people in general is so important for me and many other people. i hope that youll continue making the decisions that are right for you in the future and i’m sending love to every queer person who is or has been in this kind of situation. may you all find safety and peace. 🤍

[@NaidotASMR]

Sounds like my roommate’s experience with family, I had a similar experience with my mother but never called selfish. My roommate was called selfish for mourning her mother who passed. I moved into my uncles home after my mother passed away and he treated me like trash. There is members in both our families we will never be with again as a result. With my roommate some family cut off from her over weird issues they had. Terrible and it is projection from those people who accuse you of being selfish yes?

[@eboni1346]

As soon as you said lesbian fiber artist, I followed but I stayed for the insightful commentary ✨️

[@onyinyea]

Haha thank you

[@Moon_beams96]

I am going through this right now, and I feel that you are a couple of years ahead of me in the process and are able to put words to this experience of not wanting to give up on making them understand. I am unsure if you would make a video on the topic, but I struggle with missing/morning my siblings because I had to stop contact with them too since being estranged. I also left a note before leaving. How difficult was it for you to leave your siblings in this way? Do you still have contact with them at all? Thanks for making these videos, they are really healing for me

[@Aboutsata]

Right video. Right moment. Thank you.

[@raetrillium]

This has really comforted me, I needed to hear this. Thank you

[@angrymurloc7626]

I made espresso while listening. Really needed to hear those words today thank you so much

[@mythomaniac-gremlin]

Thank you

[@thepeculiarmaple]

Thanks for this. This is very helpful. Your perspective and experiences are shining a light on my own experiences.

[@Luke-zv6bb]

This is a very complicated subject, great job!

[@KrisfiberANDarts]

I do minis as well of things I self concept! Love seeing others do the same

[@onyinyea]

It makes it so much easier to understand what you’re making 👌🏾

[@tosh471]

Thank you. 🤍

[@the_Valinor_tourist]

Thank you. So much

[@I.am.not.driven]

This was amazing! I feel really validated in my decision.

[@dgtooth]

i still live with family but my relationship with them has gone downhill after my medical transition. i'm 20 and i feel that the end of our relationship is near and i have come to terms with it

[@onyinyea]

I really hope things get better for you

[@muscledad6551]

Thank you.

[@vyvisabastard]

my family situation is quite different since my family are born and bred americans and maga type conservatives. to me, they want me dead and think my existence at all is an affront to nature and god. to them, i was forcefully taken by my democrat radical leftist mother who indoctrinated me into transgenderism for political points. we are fundamentally opposed and i cannot have a relationship with them at all its been 5 years since ive been estranged from my dad and honestly i wouldnt have it any other way. its better theyre out of my life than in it. i still have my mom and stepdad, my sister, and one of my cousins from that side whos mind hasnt been rotted by right wing american politics. im thriving as best i can given my circumstances and im still alive which is a miracle itself. im doing fine without them on a side note your voice is very relaxing and calm and i love your tattoos. best of luck with your top surgery

[@starberrysweetee1495]

That sounds like a very important video to make, I really do hope you’re the one to make it

[@lonely_lucifer4770]

Thank you for making these videos. I know in the future i will likely be in your same situation so thank you beacuse now atleast i know im not alone.

[@Oroseborose]

I feel this.

[@andrean733]

You are so loved

[@stevenpop2746]

Yes!🙌🏾