John Gottman's Horsemen CONTEMPT (Relationship Advice)

[@adamthompson4448]

I find that both my partner and I fall into contempt during conflict ( I eyeroll and audibly sigh and she mocks what i say or how i sit) . I also exhibit signs of stonewalling and eventually dissociate from my feelings entirely which is distressing for her (understandably so). I don't really know how to stop this as we have talked about it in calmer times and written a chart down to show where we need to break off from conflict but this often isnt followed and if i suggest we do so, the mockery about it increases so i feel trapped in place and more likely to switch off. I feel a lot of our conflicts escalate quickly because I get so defensive when i notice / hear annoyance and sometimes there doesn't even need to be words spoken for me to go into survival mode.

[@LewisPsychology]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation Adam. It sounds like you have a good insight into the relationship dynamics but you're both struggling to get out of this pattern of behaviour. Couple counselling will help you work towards behaviour change. Wishing you well, Teresa.

[@slaveofAllahAlAzeezAlHakeem]

Both of you may have unmet emotional needs or wounds from past trauma. But your willingness to converse is a wonderful positive sign. All the best to you two.

[@MeganS1995]

I was just doing some shadow work and start having a conversation in my head to work through an interaction with someone who used the DARVO technique on me as well as contempt when I held him accountable. I get an implied "beggars can't be choosers" and "get over it" from his way of responding to me (a feeling of dismissal from his way of saying "I do not wish to reanalyze this" and "hopefully we can put this to rest"; and "you want things to be an exact way" when definitions and whether we're doing something or not matters). I ended up feeling like the bad guy after this interaction (shaming). I'm out of a freeze now and I'm seeing his morally wrong behaviors... I'm observing the imagined interaction and working through the unexpressed feelings and realize I'm mirroring it back in my head. One of those moments of transcendence there :o

[@WileyFox01]

I learn a lot about others and myself from your posts so thank you, however, the world needs to stop taking the mickey out of Kevins as apart from changing our names by deed poll there's not much to be done. Kevins have suffered 60 years of abuse anecdotally, as a child all I heard was Kevin Keegan, then Kevin the Grebil, Kevin from Kevin and Perry and now we're the subject of failing relationships and psycological problems ; )

[@teerex4626]

This was rubbish, i could hav done much better. I wish I haven’t watched this….joke about contempt. Great video, thanks…