What’s Your Role in Relational Problems?

[@lakehairdontcare3398]

I’ll never forget when my 14 year old looked at me and said: “mom I’ve never seen you rest, and it’s makes me feel I am doing something negative if I do.” Broke my heart into pieces. And lessons never stopped, this kid has helped me learn more about myself than any tragedy I’ve been through! ❤

[@beastshawnee]

I had that same conversation with my own daughter. NOW I am taking and making time to be non productive some days. It feels weird tho.

[@dana102083]

❤❤😊

[@OM-or3im]

To the last caller. I remember when i was in college i moved in with my BF and he would leave clothes on the floor and it caused so much resentment in me. Those things ARE important. He also felt it was « no big deal ». I was bad at communicating my needs and eventually we just couldn’t stand each other. Lesson is - communicate and decide if her picture and yours can be aligned. Good luck!

[@kingasif9265]

I don’t think that was the reason why you guys broke up. What was the real reason?

[@OM-or3im]

@@kingasif9265 I’d say poor communication - neither one of us shared our needs, vision, or were fully authentic with each other. Now, i was 22 when i met him and he was 27, so i definitely am not mad at myself or anything. It was just a lesson on importance of communication and caring about the other person’s feelings on general. I am very happy about not living with a messy person though. My bf now is pretty much a clean freak, like myself :)

[@user-ri1mc1gn4o]

Deloney is such a gift! Compassionate, graceful, and practical wisdom. I love how he says he doesn’t know anyone who had zero reservations and yet made the commitment to see it through- I love that reminder of the value of commitment in the context of relationships ❤️❤️

[@bettypearson5570]

I was raising 3 boys as a single parent like Sarah and would like to share one of my favorite activities, jello wars. I worked in a hospital as a dietary aid and even though jello has an endless shelf life after being made the health department insists on it being dumped every 3-4 days. I would collect a couple gallons a day in gallon zip lock bags in addition to making tons at home that i bought on sale. (Knowing someone working in a nursing home is another way to get lots for free). They would wear their raggiest clothes fur yo possible staining, they could each invite 1 friend and we would head to a relatively secluded spot at the river. Each would be given one bag of jello and turned loose to just pummel each other with handfuls of jello. There were only 2 rules: 1. You cant hit the mom. If the mom hets any jello on her everything stops and we return home. 2. The only way to get a new bag is to gurn in the old one to the mom. I would be sitting in my lawn chair beside the coolers filled with bags of jello and a few snacks, and my cold drink and a book, relaxing while they went nuts for a couple hours and once they ran out of jello they would jump in the river to get all remnants of slime washed off. When we got home i didnt have to clean up any jello that had been tracked in as would have happened if they had done it in the yard. They were happy and have repeatedly relived those stories as adults so i know those are good memories. And i was able to completely relax while still allowing them the freedom to be the maniacs they wanted to be.

[@dana102083]

That sounds awesome. Im a disabled retired RN and the jello was made but also switched to the plastic packs. That sounds like a good destressor for something that would be wasted. Inworked at mcdonalds in highschool and always took home the expired pies and icecream.when the mqchine was to be cleaned. My dad loved those pies with icecream lol 😊

[@momincharge9859]

I just discovered him. And have watched every video I can get my hands on. Now I want how books!! He is helping me so much!! I’ve been the lowest I’ve ever been in my life. Thank you for helping others.

[@Bubbles-qh7ez]

Same. I love his advice

[@RedeemedRogueMolecules]

I’m graceful with the wife. She grew up in a family where every conversation was a confrontation. I help her by letting her talk long enough when she flies off the handle to hear herself. My silence usually is a trigger to her to slow down and have access and reminder that I’m on her side.

[@Refiningforge]

God bless you and your wife.

[@cieramahinalani1944]

❤yes thanks for being so kind to your wife, I am also that woman, it's a nightmare feeling misunderstood our whole lives

[@show_me_your_kitties]

The wife? Not YOUR wife? Weird choice of words but you do you.

[@RedeemedRogueMolecules]

@@show_me_your_kitties thanks. I will. We’re one so ‘the’ applies in the colloquial just marvelously. You’re hereby released of this burden.

[@show_me_your_kitties]

@@RedeemedRogueMolecules I said what I said.

[@sometimesising1016]

Ladies, stop sleeping with and living with men who wont commit to you first. FIRST.

[@andrea6053]

Men stop sleeping with and living with women you haven’t committed to FIRST. There, fixed it.

[@sometimesising1016]

@dabd8175 men think with their dicks. No room to throw stones.

[@marievr7283]

​​​@@dabd8175u must be one lonely creature just taking up valuable space

[@fernleafmedia]

Don't do it before your'e married. True marriage before God is true commmitment.

[@timm1139]

Guys, this goes both ways. Don’t shack up with with some girl. Learn how to run a household on your own & pay your own way.

[@sandraweber]

As a massage therapist, I have spent my career caring for Mom's like your second caller. Your advice is spot on and is the key to the end generational trauma of depleted Mother's. "your body feels it" yesss!!! I try to explain to the "I can't relax, I have to be busy all the time" Mom's, getting a massage for them is literally practicing receiving, practicing a calm state...being busy is many people's drug of choice.

[@rungeon83]

This oddly hits home for me, I'm 39 (next month) and I'm like a tightly wound up spring, I've had many relationships(those poor people) where they have me on edge all the time, my love language is phsyical affection, I'm not talking sex, I'm talking back strokes etc, I find it almost impossible to snap or fly of the handle after just 5 mins of my back being stroked, I destress and feel calm enough to tackle my problems rationally and not from a place of "AARGHHHH". Of course I can't imagine what it's like to be a mother, and sadly not a dad(I don't trust myself to have kids just yet as I don't want them to have this version of me and I'm worried about passing on my traits to them) however I really love what you said about "getting a massage for them is literally practicing receiving" Soooo true!

[@angieohmer7705]

Thank you soooooo MUCH for this first segment! I was a Sophomore in College when my parents split. I was 20 years old and couldn't figure out why it messed me up so much. My grades plummeted and I had been in Honor Society. I felt so alone and had nobody to turn to. I'm the oldest of many siblings, so of course, I tried to emotionally hold the family together, as I had always done, even through their tumultuous marriage. But, for whatever strange reason, if our parents were fighting, then we knew everything was okay. However, if things were peaceful, or they were getting along, or even playing sweetly together - THOSE were the times that were the scariest. Thank you so much for the staff sharing their experiences. It makes me feel not so alone or crazy or emotionally messed up. It's been over 20 years now, my dad is gone ABBA my mom is remarriage and that still had an effect on me. Thank you for releasing me from that!

[@yamlwoz]

Wise words from both Dr John and Nathan. I'm the eldest child of parents who (according to mother) stayed together 'for the sake of you children'. From a very young age (probably when I was 5) she used me as her confidante, constantly ran my father down, and shamed me if I displayed any tiny trait that reminded her of Dad. I didn't even know that was toxic until my mid 20s.

[@Neurogal82]

My parents divorced when I was 6, it was awful. Loads of pressure for me as the oldest daughter and made my mom's confidant to this day with her many failed relationships. I don't think one can say divorce is better at one age of the kids than the other.

[@yamlwoz]

@@Neurogal82 that sounds like hell as well. I often think I'd have been better off if they had divorced, but obviously I haven't lived that experience. Didn't give a thought to the multiple other opportunities that gives a toxic mother to shame her favourite scapegoat. I am sorry for what you've experienced. None of that was your fault in any way at all. Mother left Dad 3 months after I got married. She's widowed 10 years now from husband number 3. I'm as low contact as possible for the sake of my own sanity, and it helps a lot with clarity on what went on. Sending you love and understanding 💝

[@dana102083]

​@@Neurogal82thats young, but you mom might have been your confidant against your dad if they stayed together too.. you may have seen rotten fights and escalations. Its not an easy thing no matternl what. Your mom needs better boundaries and used a child for adult emotions/topics which isnt right. I was my moms punching bag as my mom had no control over my sister who was narcissistic and had extreme emotional outbursts to control things she wanted. So i got punished for veing a perfectionist trying to always do right. My dad never said anything. If I said anything I was the problem. So I left at 16. because. My parents didnt change the home. No.matter what we will never know what its like if things were the other way. Its just severe enough to not be repaired. A nonnexistent checked out dad also isnt great.esepcially if abusive/controlling or that side if spectrum. You mentioned your mom and yourndad left-- but what was your moms responsibility in the divorce or partnership breakdown? Was it really just your dad that left? That is the but not the meat ofnl the . Just talking out poud. Healing for all xx

[@nayeboo2480]

This really just set me free bc I understand how it can be as the middleman between parents. Hope everything goes well for him & I'm glad he chose to share ❤

[@ThePestilentDefiler]

I was that middleman/mediator at the age of 20 it was so hard and just ended up with me hating them. I was in the process of moving out and it sort of ramped that process way up and when i did i pretty much was low contact with them both. Which was so opposite of what i wanted. I wanted to go visit my parents and hang out with them like the family we once were but that was gone. It tore me apart and i fell into panic attacks daily and nightly. I would lay in bed clutching my chest in tears thinking that i may be dying of a heart attack. The physical pain brought on by the mental distress was unbearable. Ive since healed from that and my relationships are better with my parents but it really did a toll on me and shaped me in a way that i did become stronger i believe. Im currently in a separation with my wife while we have a young child and through experienceing what my parents went through firsthand i am prepared and making my way through the separation rather gracefully. Its tough but i will make it through and im much further along emotionally than even my parents are to this day. I dont want to give thanks for what they threw me into but im glad i had the strength to stand above it.

[@Suzie_Q1989]

With the first one: John is totally right and it’s something that I had to learn the hard way. My baby sister has hit a rough patch with our mom and I’ve had to double down on: You are all adults. I’m not gonna pick sides. Ya’ll handle it on your own, but I still love you SO much! It’s helped.

[@itchysheets1222]

The divorce advice about ages of children and stages of life….those perspectives were incredibly helpful. Thank you.

[@sometimesising1016]

She should break up with that guy. He's enjoying a commitment-free relationship and whenever there needs to be a serious discussion he threatens to leave and blames her. It sounds like he has a very "It's all fun and sex" perspective and he doesn't care thay she feels unsafe and unanchored.

[@analozada9475]

Being a teacher and a mom of three must be extremely difficult and stressful. She must love children to a different level than most humans, cuz my NS would never allow me to do so. I commend her for executing and enduring such tough jobs. 😅🙏✨

[@peteandrepeat2566]

My parents finally divorced when I was 18. Mom left 4 days after I turned 17. It was 16 years too late for that to have happened. They should have divorced years prior. Their disfunction deeply impacted my brothers and I, in ways we're just now learning and dealing with, and we're all in our 40's. Having said all that, I'm also extremely thankful in different ways that they toughed it out as long as they did. My dad wasn't a weekend dad. The love and protection that came from that, especially as a the only girl, was huge and my dad is one of my best friends. My parents only ever came together, united, when one of us were in danger. I know without a doubt that our lives would have been much harder, potentially much more dangerous, in different if they hadn't toughed it out for 21 years. I've said all that to say this... I wish they had divorced earlier AND I'm thankful they didn't.

[@jefdby]

Oof. So what to do. I left when my kids were 11, 9, and 6. I wish I didn't have to, but the kids all now say it was the best decision.

[@dana102083]

You gotta do what lets you sleep at night. My bf lived in the basement til his kids moved out so essentially separated.​@jefdby

[@shraddhashankar]

To Sara in Houston, this advice is excellent. I've also noticed that something that's incredibly helpful for younger kids is to give them the freedom to schedule their entire day (meals and snacks included, with your supervision of course) and hold them accountable to sticking to it for the entire day. It gives them a great sense of agency and improves their executive functioning capabilities over time without making you the bad guy for ensuring they make healthy choices. Hope this helps. :)

[@Nitsua95]

Other moms doing I felt that divorce comment. My mom is been divorced three times in my life. When I was two from my father. Again at 13 from my stepdad and again at 16 from my other stepdad. I was more hurt from the second divorce because I had more time for the relationship of my parents to solidify. As for my actual parents I've never really known them together I've only known them separate. That was a lot easier for my kid brain to play comprehend.

[@ericamichelle3992]

The advice to the second caller was fantastic❤

[@sandraweber]

New to your channel and the number of times you say "your body feels" makes me so happy!!! We so often disassociate from our physical being, then wonder why we have chronic pain!!

[@dana102083]

Well chronic painnhas many origins..anatomy issues..poor movement from imbalances, poor muscular balance, inury and traumatic accident, related to another medical condition like diabetic neuropathy.. Amd yes pain can be from a past even or worsened due to the stress of the past. Its important to constantly address and try to improve things.

[@kita3256]

Know something… I just came back from a third world country…. No mom had to take breaks from their kids. Unstructured play, tons of freedom for kids to roam I nature, school is not all about standardized tests, life is drastically different. Modern life really hurts us whether we like to accept or not. I went with my kids. We were burned out. Once we got to this small village, life was perfect. We washed our clothes by hand. We had enough to eat from nature around us. It’s incredible. It’s more family centered. It’s not like the USA where everything is grind grind grind. I’m looking into moving outside of the USA to this third world country. Life is better.

[@jefdby]

Where (which country) did you visit?

[@slowroastedmarshmallow9226]

Wow, thank u for sharing this. Hard for me to grasp that Reality. I like some aspects of modern life, but maybe it could be more like 80 / 20. more Traditional and only bring in Modern things to add impact.

[@dana102083]

Thhatys geatbuntilnspmwones disabled or sick and cant wash orcwork physically. Backup plans whennenvironment cant produce..drought/hurricanes.. theres plus and minuses everywhere. Even living rurally is better than cities in that respect. My parents homestead and in Canada and life is quiet.

[@janethartmannjones4781]

Raising my 7 year old grandson, I tell him I'm not available at certain times. My husband does not interact as well, I need to take ownership of what I allow.

[@JustMe-mw4xt]

There are unchangeable situations / fallouts- and no one else is responsible but the person it concerns.

[@JennieC21]

That IS a great song! 🎶 “America, go get Kelly Clarkson tattoos” 😂🤣

[@KaileyBroce]

I was that woman breaking up with my high school sweetheart and going back to him... (5 years) I wish we would have had that talk. Maybe things would have been different.

[@CdnEnjoyLife]

Is she ASKING for that feedback? .................THANK YOU.

[@laurao8099]

My parents divorce when I was 9 years old and I honestly believe it would be a whole lot harder on most people if parents wait to divorce until their kids are grown. Whether you're talking about 22 or 46 I think that'll be a whole lot harder than divorce as a child. I am referencing divorce without any physical abuse period or any intentional abuse or neglect I definitely think it'll be a very different story if there was a piece or neglect in the picture

[@princesskimby]

This one was good, I understand the want to “Fix it”

[@AnGeLaOYA]

Sometimes men or women can be passive aggressive and choose not to do things on purpose, even if they know it's going to upset the other person because they have an internal issue that has nothing to do with the significant other... it's also a maturity issue that the other partner has to suffer through because they may have an idea of what they want the relationship to look like but they can't compete with the person's immaturity to commit to the relationship whole heartedly... both need to breath and communicate better...

[@dana102083]

Avoidance is a coping mechanism. Very much agree. Need to work through why its painful to avoid hard situations as they will always exist. In my experience, avoidance isnusually hurtful to the other person wanting to address concerns leaving the isolator person anxious, and feeling inadquate. 😢

[@barbiesergio7663]

Parents STOP staying together for the kids. They already know!

[@Ryan-wj7yq]

I left a voicemail and I pray I get called back. I need direction so badly. I love my children so much and their mother is basically making me choose between her and them and the stress is literally killing my body

[@Dem-sh9bs]

He’s gonna tell you to choose them

[@Ryan-wj7yq]

@@Dem-sh9bs I did chose the children. I got a lawyer 3 days ago and she moved out of my house and left the kids. Moved in with some dude. Fine with me. I have some peace back in my life and my daughter doesn’t have to fight with her mom everyday

[@kat-ko8qe]

​@@Ryan-wj7yq I'm happy for your daughter. I'm a 47 yr old, who knows the result of the other choice. My dad passed a few years ago. The most painful thing for me, is grieving the father I feel like I never knew. He stopped having emotional connection with me around 8 yrs old. It felt as though my mother felt threatened by a healthy connection between us, so everything was only about their marriage.

[@dana102083]

​@@Ryan-wj7yqhownare things going man? You deserve more than being cheated on. I hope you and your kids find piece from that. Please consider therapy for all 🙏 try not to demean their mother ongoing and encourage their own relationships, of appropriate. Think of the kids development first 🙏🙏

[@CarrieNoble-j4q]

Great show , so much insight plus so kind

[@cathyblasco4497]

Sara/kids home for the summer: LOVE AND LOGIC INSTITUTE is a great resource.

[@linororen]

Ok, phew. I spent the entire last call thinking he said he was 20 and was 31. And they’re dating six years… then reminded and heard it: 28. Thank you.

[@dana102083]

Lol🎉

[@d.r.v.g.4169]

Amazing show! You’ve helped me so much!

[@moecare]

For the first caller. Most children love the role. They need to do exactly what you said. If a parent doesn’t want the child to do that. They ended up hating that parent.

[@Leaveteaching]

🇬🇧 Offended that John referred to Madness as a one hit wonder 😂Still selling out stadiums in 2024!

[@jeminitv]

Soon as you said Robin Thicke it he me and I said "thats who John reminds me of!" 😂 lol "I'm lost without youu" 😅

[@dana102083]

Lmaooo cant unsee it hahaa😂🎉

[@BeckyOleson]

My new favorite saying has to be “fart in a box on a stick!” I love Dr. John and his way with words.

[@charitymontgomery4285]

The teacher mom sounded intoxicated on the phone.

[@papi5377]

Bywają i niezdrowe trójkątny.

[@hadenanderson563]

First dude didn't even get to ask his question or explain.

[@mama2meditate375]

I’m pretty sure Delony knows the Titanic was real, right? Cause there are some… lol I think you meant the Jack and Rose storyline wasn’t real 😂😂😂

[@stefaniegrant1337]

Is the 2nd callers husband helping? Or is that we he Dan sit and relax and she can’t?

[@allil87]

Ty

[@tinam761]

It’s really IMPOSSIBLE (overall) to declare it’s better to divorce than wait till kids are grown it’s going to hurt any way … and that it may be worse to stay married. #1 You CANNOT predict the future. You have NO CLUE how things would have turned out had your parents divorced when you were a child. I come from the version where my parents divorced when I was a child and it 💯 had a negative , life long impact on me and my siblings. And now I’m 55 and trying to fix it (what can be fixed). The show technician is basing his opinion on the fact that everything would have been okay and that’s really incorrect. Being a child that is completely dependent on your parents and having your ENTIRE world explode is MUCH more difficult to deal with than when you’re in your 20’s. Yes, you experienced loss … and it appears mostly what you missed was not having your parents there to help you when you had your 3rd baby. Think how that would have been when they are not there to help you as a child physically/ mentally/ emotionally… as a child you have no where else to turn or the development to figure anything out. I’d think on that again before giving that advice…

[@sackettfamily4685]

I think his suggestion was based on the premise of the same outcome=happy mom and more peaceful (?) Dad. Like if this was the outcome of the divorce, he wishes it could've happened sooner. We don't know the details other than what he said, and giving general advice for everyone doesn't really work. Because everyone has a certain kind of struggle, in the marriage. For abuse, divorce is best if the spouse won't change. For non abuse problems, it's less clear data.

[@dana102083]

Youre also assuming that if the other parent stayed, things wouldnt get worse than your current experience.. I took his statement as a personal thing but may have missed something as its 3;30am..

[@hjq0023]

This sounds like my parents

[@tomnohmy1273]

I prefer to be the cause of the problems

[@dana102083]

Good luck in your bubble

[@tomnohmy1273]

Buzz words, how do I navigate, lol. Nobody ever says to me, Tom, how do i Navigate whatever, lol, remember when appropriate was always used by some but never in my personal life, Tom that's inappropriate, no I'd hear or say That's messed up. Lol

[@dana102083]

You can use another synonym that works for you... "how do we get through this" is one option.."what is the best way to approach this situation?"

[@grateful7420]

Just because his parents are divorcing does Not mean wife has to quit working with his mom! There can be sooo many other dynamics / opportunities / family relationships that can grow. His wife doesn’t have to run away from his mom because of her divorce!! That can make things even more difficult & separate. These are different situations!

[@donnabaker4713]

i think his advice was great! The mom doesn't need to be using the daughter in law as a therapist. It could really hurt their marriage if the mom gets the daughterin law too involved in the drama. He was 100% correct.

[@lindarockower6028]

I agree wifey needs to quit working with the mom. She probably low-key wants to, anyway. She's not a sounding board, and it implies they've "taken sides." Get a therapist, mom!

[@miltoncat]

How to handle stress and anxiety when kids are home all summer?! If you can’t stand having your kids around more than usual, then get therapy. You chose to have kids and parenting is a 24/7 job that you signed up for! And be grateful that you could have kids at all.

[@ItsTyrone7]

Yikes

[@show_me_your_kitties]

Yikes

[@jesilynsylvia9665]

Sheesh.

[@carmenchapa1]

Shut the hell up 😂

[@yzzy1966]

Shut!

[@tomnohmy1273]

I never said implicit memories to anyone before.

[@sherigarcia860]

He hit s

[@tomnohmy1273]

Dr john was talking with no caller

[@phemery1182]

🏆🏆🏆🏆⭐⭐⭐⭐🙏🙏❤️

[@heidiliaklev7007]

🇳🇴

[@jcstuart6978]

Bottom line - if God is not at the CENTER of your relationships. If you are putting your Job, your Spouse or your Kids before your relationship with God, you will not receive the anointing from God that is required to step into those roles with longevity, peace, love, grace, forgiveness, mercy. This may not be information that you have heard before so you may not believe it yet in your heart, but I can assure you that it is the bottom line.

[@dana102083]

God loves us no matter what though, no? If we are good people? If he exists that should always be true. 2ndly, not everyone here believes in god and wont ever. So thats for people that want to partake in spirituality/religion. Mamy people acrively choose against organized religion due to pedophelia and cultism. Othersnthe pressures to qct in a way thats not kind. I get more disrespect from christians tha nany othernl group. Can we just love our own lives and not seek out to pressure strangers that dont ask for your information? Id think loving yourself should be priority and if that includes a relationship with god so be it-- but the health of you determines all the rest. Then if the foundation of your relationship includes god at the center the great, for you. Youre speaking to your choir.

[@jcstuart6978]

@@dana102083 The problem with trying to be the source of your own self-love and the source of loving others is that it won't be sustainable. Feelings and emotions and lifes difficulties have a way of shaking that. We don't have to be our own rock or be the rock for others. We have to be standing on the rock, and that rock is Jesus. You don't have to get involved with a religious organization to know Jesus or be in love with your Creator. A way that seems right, is how we all operate until we choose to let Jesus into our hearts. A way that seems right will continue to be reinforced as a way that is right. Unfortunately a way that seems right leads to many deaths, according to the Bible. That certainly has been the case in my life and in the lives around me of people I know who chose to go their own way.

[@GUITARTIME2024]

Guy calling about girlfriend: John is misleading you. Your gf has lost respect for you (and attraction). If you are genuinely confused, and she's not mentally ill, that's what's happening. Its unlikely this will change, and she could have her eye on another dude.