He’s a Different Person After Getting Sober

[@churrymurray]

First, this is super common. The alcoholic gets sober and the relationship changes. Sometimes they end. Second thing, getting sober is the hardest thing an alcoholic will ever do. I know personally. He's probably doing the best he can. His personality will probably improve over time but he's broken. There are more issues inside him. Putting down the alcohol is just the first step. Next, getting sober IS all-consuning. You are a raw nerve. You can't be there for others when you're not whole.

[@roathripper]

taking away the booze from anybody is going to trigger a personality transformation.

[@azimuthbusinesscenter]

this woman is the problem

[@susanburrows810]

How so?

[@azimuthbusinesscenter]

She is impossible to please. She would comb through his turds to find a problem. A discontent heart will always be looking for a problem. She would put his cells under a microscope and complain about his mitochondria. @@susanburrows810

[@EekZombies]

@@susanburrows810 Because of actually dealing with any issues yr numbing yrself with alcohol. Once you get sober you can actually gain the right perspective on things. You see things how they are instead of sweeping them under the rug.

[@jasonb9394]

I could be wrong but I had the sense she was not being completely honest…she wants to go out dinner and to concerts like they used to….that may be things he cannot do without drinking as that was clearly a huge part of their lives. Sounded like he isn’t fun when he isn’t drinking

[@benscott6826]

He got sober and realized he settled. I get it. I got sober, lost 90lbs, and realized my addiction was medicating my unhappiness. You both have to grow.

[@notreallyafamousartist695]

That ain’t what happened Ben Scott, he got sober and she continues to add a continuous pile of demands in order for her to stay. He’s running up a never ending hill THATS what happened Nobody can do that and not get burnt out She can’t be pleased

[@RepentImmediately]

You're assuming he's someone who has something of value to offer to a woman

[@benscott6826]

@@RepentImmediately and you assume she does

[@mamav8791]

Addicts always blame other people for their bs. If someone was with you while you were an addict, they were the ones that settled.

[@Shaolin91z]

The fun part for her is leaving and starting over after 10 years with this dude. Go find Mr Romantic and live your life

[@lizwiens671]

He got sober for her then she presents him with a list of what else he needs to change. He probably doesn’t even like her anymore

[@ShellyMenz]

Exactly! Not a list to her heart, but a list of more stuff "wrong" with him she doesn't like.

[@danigrey442]

He didn't get sober for her, if he couldn't even hold down a job, and friends and family also let him know that he has a problem. If you are an addict you have to want to get help, doing it for someone else rarely has lasting results.

[@BlackStump172]

I do not blame him ! She wrote down a list of what was wrong with him , and that is bloody insulting .

[@sistergoldenhair119]

She didn’t write a list of what’s wrong with him. She wrote a list. Of what she feels like she needs. And asked him to write one for her.

[@trinity6180]

When he cut her off emotionally he is telling her that he is part of the community and will end up with a woman from there. Then the relapse will set in. Classic.

[@nsp31a]

Unfortuneately, Maddie cannot have it both ways. She can't make him have such a profound change without making other changes in his life.

[@eyeswideopenpod]

She also may need to be making changes. She said she quit drinking for awhile. If she’s drinking at all around a newly sober person this might trigger him. She has to ask herself what she can improve for herself too. I would almost bet she’s not looking at anything she’s doing and pointing the finger at the husband.

[@fdllicks]

Maddie learned be careful what you wish for.

[@giteonfaa]

I disagree. He’s not dating her. He’s not showing any interest in her. I’m married and I still date my wife. She gives me a road map and I use it. I don’t take offense to it. She’s communicating her love language and he’s rejecting it. Now I get certain events he can’t go to due to his sobriety but he needs to incorporate his new lifestyle with her. They are plenty of activities to do without the need of drinking. I pray he gets out of his own way and opens his heart and be truly intimate with his marriage. Marriage is work and always will be. This is definitely an easy problem to fix but hope he puts down his guard and open his heart intimately with his wife.

[@martinmi5]

Exactly!

[@javaskull88]

Long time recovering person here. Many spouses are disappointed with their newly sober spouse, and the changes are not what they had hoped and prayed for. I hope she gets involved in Al Anon, and that they get marriage counseling together.

[@Figcity]

You’d be surprised to find out how many people aren’t all that happy for you when you get sober. Even if they were number number one on your case about it. My own mother rolls her eyes if my sobriety comes up. Some people enjoy kicking you when you’re down, so much so that they don’t even expect you to pick yourself up. They don’t know how to act when you do.

[@astromigui]

Exactly

[@louniece1650]

Damn, that's deep.

[@Figcity]

@@teddyp3723 fair enough, truthfully I left my comment before I finished the video. :)

[@sarab7794]

Good for you ❤ for getting sober! It’s even harder when those who are suppose to be there for you aren’t. I hope you will re-connect with your mother one day. People do change. Maybe one day she will look back and regret her actions. I wish you the best and keep choosing strong ❤

[@om617yota8]

If the people around you aren't happy for your success, they aren't your friends or family, no matter what they claim. Lots of folks only want a whipping boy, once you've risen above them they no longer have a use for you.

[@kennypetrowski]

Delony is off here. Addiction is always is covering unresolved, underlying trauma & often when that bandaid is gone people need time to do the work on themselves before they can show up best for their relationship. I’m so glad I was patient during a season while my partner needed that space to grow.. it forced me to grow also and we’re both now better for it.

[@nikstar1313]

Yes!!

[@giulias.5104]

Interesting, thank you for sharing.

[@Shaolin91z]

He's growing... apart from her into his new life .. he'll be better for it. Tired of pursuing her with all that romance. Sober now he is👍

[@Dontrolling]

Growing apart is another perspective too though. You can’t force something, sure she can try to stay but at the end of the day their goals are different and their needs aren’t being met. I think they both need time apart until they both know what they truly desire, no point of being unhappy together and tarnish their relationship with bickering and futility. People grow apart and that’s normal and some people rejoin together which is also normal but time to needed to heal both of their wounds. We can’t say one is right over the other because we are not them. Delony is only giving a suggestion based on what he was told.

[@WillE454]

Once the distraction (alcohol) is gone you’re forced to sit with your emotions and trauma.

[@e7gomez538]

Sobriety is one thing, but this man still needs inner healing.

[@probablynot1368]

I agree. Perhaps he’s concerned that if they start going to concerts again, it will trigger his desire to begin drinking again. It sounds like the ‘fun’ party atmosphere of concerts & drinking might send him back over the edge.

[@glowieokenney7915]

I agree

[@laurykristensen6239]

Yes, he took the bandaid off. The wounds are still there.

[@50pinkies67]

It takes time to reconnect with yourself and discover your identity. After getting sober he also needs to find his personality again. Most people are boring bcuz alcohol kills so many brain cells that they are trying to use, that are just not there. He needs time. If there was trauma in his past that needs to be worked out too.

[@imnezu8940]

He’s never going to heal with a wife that’s constantly reminding him of all the expectations she requires for him with the threat of her leaving again looming over. Surprised John didn’t call her out for this.

[@stevezelaznik5872]

It sounds like he was the “fun drunk” a lot of the time and she was attracted to that part of him, and she’s bored with the reserved sober guy her husband has become.

[@OopThereItIs77777]

Hit the nail on the head.

[@dasppg9737]

This was my immediate thought. I also figured his brain is still adjusting to life without alcohol. I’ve heard it can take years to recover.

[@sophiesingh6141]

Bingo!

[@bettywith2girls]

She needs to have a talk with the guy and ask him point-blank if he still wants to be married to her and have kids with her...and tell him his honesty won't hurt her feelings...she just needs to know. From there, she can determine if she wants to stay with him or not. Becoming sober, getting off of drugs, stopping the nefarious life one has had, and especially having children...can change a person dramatically. She should then decide, based his response, on what she's going to do with her life.

[@The-Oneness11]

But I wonder why he wouldn't just take her out to dinner.

[@BackUpTerry931]

I really want to hear his side of this..

[@scottwall8419]

Even if everything she says is things she wants are good, it's usually a long list of things she wants that he isn't and she's asking for him to be a different person. He knows what's up.....the list will never very finished and neither will she trying to make him new. The whole thing where she kept saying thank you all bashful like bothered me for some reason. Maybe someone can explain why that seemed like such a red flag in this convo

[@whodat7084]

@@scottwall8419It bothered me too. I guarantee she found a therapist that only told her what she wanted to hear and she thanked that therapist profusely too. Very strange.

[@kerryprice1414]

​@@whodat7084they always do this... vvomen in society never have to take accountability

[@pskarnaq73]

I'm surprised you didn't call her out for moving the goal posts on him. First, she gives him an ultimatum (which is always a bad idea). Instead of reading the writing on the wall, he takes it and commits to a total life change to make her happy. He celebrates a year of sobriety, and instead of being happy for him, she hands him another list of demands that he must meet. What a kick in the teeth... It's no shocker that the dude checked out.

[@RepentImmediately]

He's not capable of being with a woman who has standards beyond him being a functional adult

[@cyoohoos]

@@RepentImmediatelyhow do you know? We didn’t even get to hear the list of new demands? You don’t get to “create” the perfect mate. And that whole dinner thing was more manipulation. Truth is…he is not the guy you knew, maybe she’s jealous of his sober life, and he’s not really into her

[@elijahpiere5324]

@@RepentImmediatelyouuu, that’s a good one. Whenever I want to gaslight my spouse into doing things I want them to do now, I’m just going to say “are you not capable of meeting standards other than being a functional adult?” Daaaamn, that sounds good. Boutta manipulate her so good with that. Thank you 😄

[@brianclingenpeel5123]

I could not agree more with this comment. Dr John seems to have a habit of siding with whoever the caller is, very rarely taking into account that there are 2 sides to every story and the callers just might be presenting their situation in a way that allows them to be seen in a positive light.

[@carlt6932]

It's never enough

[@dudeorduuude5211]

I can see the husband's point. 1 year is not long in terms of life changes. It likely was really hard for him. And she isn't understanding the recovery process. I think she should attend Al- Anon meetings.

[@Cowgirlkate]

She needs to go to Alanon… period over and out!! Kudos for the husbands sobriety 💥

[@trixie9777]

Yep!

[@aprilwashington3150]

Yes. She is soooooo Codependent.

[@ChardeeMacdennis339]

I completely agree. Alanon would be incredibly helpful 💯

[@rudiefix1223]

I disagree, as she shouldn’t have to do anything to understand his drinking, it’s really not her responsibility. I say this as an alcoholic addict myself, it’s totally the addicts issue to straighten out their defaults after getting sober.

[@Cowgirlkate]

@rudiefix1223 it’s not about his addiction, it’s about her figuring out herself, and not focusing on the alcoholic

[@phyllis9750]

It comes back , but it takes time. It was about 4 years for both my husband and my adult son. In the beginning they're just in shock and numb. Can you imagine? He's in there, I promise. My husband has been sober 43 years. Good Luck!

[@trixie9777]

Yes! So true! This is very well said.

[@ChardeeMacdennis339]

Exactly!! It takes some time. You kind of become a new person when you get sober. Everything changes in a lot of ways. You’re learning new coping skills, new ways of having fun… I’ve been sober for 10 years and I definitely remember a period of time after I first got sober where my marriage felt weird. I used to use alcohol for everything! I had to learn how to do everything without it. It’s not easy.

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

This is the best answer in this whole comment section

[@mr.fettesq.7705]

Facts! I'm 10 years sober this year and eve after year 5 where I thought I was good....looking back I realize I had no clue what I was talking about. She's absoluetly piling on to him at a very fragile stage of sobriety. And if Doc John had any ounce of knowledge of addiction he would have given her actual usable advise. He gave her advise for two regular sober people in a relationship. Not one freshly sober only a year and the other who left him while he did it.

[@trinity6180]

It doesn’t always come back. My husband quit drinking in the 80s. He started working more and more hours. End up cheating with a woman at work that was chasing about a half a dozen other married men. I tried working it out and he said he wanted to stay together but the intimacy didn’t return no matter what I did. Then he got sick and I stayed and we are retired and I take care of him. We are in our 70s. This woman needs out before she is old like me.

[@TigerTsunami404]

I went sober start of this year because I was falling into a habit during the Pandemic. My wife said she likes me so much better because I'm present. Sometimes I feel like it's not as fun because we used go out all the time (I'm already making other plans around St Patricks), but we started new activities like playing tennis together and training for a Triathlon. Replacing drinks for other positive lifestyle choices is really fulfilling if you can do it with your partner and create experiences from it. It's an understanding on both sides

[@drsalka]

exemplary! wish this comment got noticed more & got more likes/positive responses.

[@Shaolin91z]

Sounds like he's tired of her and hes happy with his new friends

[@Hjaelteomslag]

The pandemic ended years ago. That habit is all on you.

[@TigerTsunami404]

@@Hjaelteomslag no doubt, I'm compulsive and been working from home since 2020

[@stardustgirl2904]

I know that l of course don't personally know you or anything! 🙏🏻But I want you to know I'm so incredibly happy for you and your wife, that you are sober, and coming together in your activities! It sounds like you are truly being apart of each other's lives ❗ So many people place value on things these days like alcohol, and all it does is create barriers between you and the people you love! My Dad quit smoking 🚭 and alcohol many years ago! He changed and because a better husband and a better Dad to me! Five years ago my friends son got a DUI , his friends all thought it was funny! All of them around 25. Anyways they picked him up for a drinking party that night he passed away right where he stood! I saw him in his casket, it showed me that people put value where it doesn't belong! 🙏🏻💜🕊️😍😍 Be happy in your marriage, love each other and enjoy every moment of life ❗ That's what my Dad did, he just passed away and I miss him dearly, but he taught me people can change, and be strong and accomplish hard things! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@chitlinjuice]

I think she has a romanticized idea of what she wants him to be and he's not that. A lot of women have a bad habit of doing this. She either needs to accept him or move on bc she's making him and herself miserable. He's sober now and probably working through his own traumas and issues. And it's aggravating when someone is constantly asking you to change aspects of yourself that's most likely part of your personality or a symptom of a deeper issue like anxiety/depression. They don't seem very compatible if he thinks nothing he does is good enough and she doesn't feel he's connected to her after the effort he's put in to get sober for a year. He's most likely depressed as well when she said he's "boring." It just seems like she cares more about her own needs and doesn't see the humanity in her husband and the internal struggles he's dealing with.

[@azimuthbusinesscenter]

be taller and have more money is the only practical advice a woman can give a man. She always sees the man as crazy or stupid, when a man is being himself, she tries to get him to change, if you change it triggers resentment. Never listen to a woman, all she will do is change her opinion and lose respect when you try to follow what she says

[@truthbetold6942]

I would be so pissed off if anyone gave me a list to improve on at a very personal and happy occasion that should be celebrated. She lacks self awareness, because it is all about her.

[@azimuthbusinesscenter]

@@truthbetold6942 Change the locks or hit the road and change your name. She is treating this man like he is a project.

[@RepentImmediately]

​@@azimuthbusinesscentersounds like you date losers

[@Messymy]

That list she thought was so wonderful may have come across as a list of accusations of all the things he was doing wrong. My now ex would write out numbered lists of things I was doing wrong inside anniversary, birthday cards. He himself was a drunk who would yell at me, accuse me of having affairs, claim I made up having c3 cancer. (Like being sick and having no hair, eyelashes, nose hair along with being bald was a fun thing to do.) Being trapped in a car with his ravings and sometimes drunk driving was something I had told him I wasn't doing anymore. Arriving at family events in tears and him making scenes precluded him going to doctor and chemo sessions that lasted most of a day...he would have made it even more miserable complaining, accusing, fiddling around, ranting like he did in the car. Then, his big complaint was that I no longer communicated. He did a few very weird things to himself at times. If I did speak up, he would have some sort of verbal attack poised to brow beat me. Maybe some of his friends put weird ideas into his little brain. You don't want to live in he'll forever. He I s controlling her to get his way. That is not love.

[@kennynewell85]

I’d love to hear the husband’s side of this.

[@aftersolo]

Her leverage and power was taken when he became sober. Shes no longer the designated driver, figuratively and literally. She has to accept that he has made tremendous gains and that comes with drastic change. She can either accept the new, better him and adapt or not adapt and be miserable or leave.

[@RepentImmediately]

Actually, she doesn't have to do anything. She can just leave.

[@aftersolo]

@auemmjee It is true that nobody has to do anything. It was implied in my comment that in order for her to stay with him and be happy, she has to learn to accept him. I changed the comment to be more direct and state that 2 other options are available, but there's a lot more than that if you want to be creative.

[@Britty0189]

He doesn’t like you.

[@Jackaroo.]

@@Immunity7they don’t like each other. They like the person they imagine the other person is or could be, but never will be.

[@bettywith2girls]

Well...not anymore.

[@dylanvanhoorne3191]

Yeah he got new friends and a new life and now she feels intimidated

[@Missa92215]

If i were making the effort to improve, and even after everything, my partner still wants to hand me a list of what he expects/wants from me as a partner, yeah, i would feel like i am not good enough, too. It would make me feel like nothing is good enough for him.

[@danopsahl7881]

This is 100% spot on.

[@danigrey442]

Did you miss the part where she told him that she would like to receive a list from him as to what he wants and needs from her. She also mentioned that they aren't intimate, why does everyone assume that it's negative things on her list?

[@teddyp3723]

Maybe he was making an effort to improve in certain areas, such as his sobriety, but in other areas like intimacy with his wife he wasn’t. We don’t really know based on the information at hand.

[@zebnemma]

I kinda feel like my story with my ex is similar to this story. Like how when my mental health was crap my self esteem was in the bottom, I put my ex on a pedestal. I chased him. My ex would always put demands on me and compare me to other people. He would belittle me... I changed for him. I tried so fucking hard just for his sake. I did change. But after I had done all that I finally realized he would never be happy with me. I feel like he groomed me into becoming a sexdoll maid, I don't feel like he actually loved me. He just wanted to shape me into "his perfect partner". That's called taking advantage of a mentally vulnerable person. It's grooming. He threatened to break up with me to keep me in check, hundreds of times. He was just bluffing every time. It was to manipulate me. I also have a hint this woman caller *might* be taking advantage of her husband too, trying to re-shape him into what she wants...

[@limeOjello]

@@danigrey442 She wants him to care about her, it sounds like. He’s distant, no sex, not interested in hanging out. And all she did was ask him to date her again, which every relationship expert says couples should do. Go on date nights, make your spouse know you love them.

[@marcrose3403]

When I got fully sober, I realized certain people I hanged with i actually really didn’t like. It was the getting high that made me vibe with them. Sounds like that’s what happened with him

[@alyssamofo]

I’m 1 year sober and it’s really hard. She is taking it personal. Fortunately my spouse has given me me time to find myself again and I still haven’t

[@Angryegaroq]

Wives can ask to be seen heard and appreciated for who they are and not judged for who they aren’t but feel perfectly fine rejecting exactly who their man is. She took a good look at him and said no I’m not living with you. He changed for her and she said well now that you’re done with that here’s what else I need you to do otherwise I’m leaving again. And he’s wondering exactly how much of himself he’s going to have to sacrifice to be appreciated and respected from his woman.

[@iraoberry1166]

He needs to just be alone

[@RepentImmediately]

So a woman not wanting to live with a "man" who can't function as a healthy adult and is dependent on a substance is her rejecting who he is? 😂

[@zo.ilyouu]

i know. it’s so cruel that most men in relationships feel that this is the case. everyone deserves better and deserves to live with someone free of judgement. there’s quite the difference between growing with each other and resenting the person their not.

[@GlassJack]

If you drink alcohol, it changes how you interact with your surroundings. Many people start drinking before they are even legally allowed to, so when you build a relationship with someone after a certain age, you are building a relationship with an extention of their true self. I've been sober for 3 years and it made me a different person. It changed how I work, how I sleep, how I spend my free time, how I manage my money, and the type of people I'm able to maintain a relationship/friendship with changed. A lot of people don't get how different your entire world becomes by simply cracking open a beer at the end of a work day.

[@melissam6037]

She needs to go to Al-anon. 1 year is not that long, it’s common for people to get really exited and go kind of overboard on their new life at first. She probably has codependency issues herself if she chose an alcoholic for her life partner. She could be spending time working on herself instead of telling him how he needs to work on himself. Lots of spouses have gone through this, putting a marriage back together in a new way takes work on both sides.

[@robr268]

She enjoys the pursuit. John did get that right.

[@limeOjello]

Every woman does. They want their husband to value them and not take them for granted.

[@drsalka]

@@limeOjello amen. the problem isn't that she enjoys the pursuit, the problem is that he doesn't have the stamina to behave at a higher level of appreciation for his partner beyond the "howeverlongittakes to get her back", he should be doing those things throughout the entirety of the relationship. He's lazy.

[@Shaolin91z]

She wants to be put on Mt Everest. Now she wants him to climb Mt Everest with toothpicks 🤗

[@Shane46587]

How do you pursue something your already have? You do some role play, fake pursue? Women hate anything that seems fake. It’s why doing that never works long term.

[@KENTUCKYUSA1]

@@Shaolin91z Yep, climb without oxygen or sherpas.

[@kms_488]

He has changed. He did the hard work. And just because you didn’t have an addiction you have to go through soul searching and change too. It isn’t fair or possible for him to work and dig his way through his addiction, and then end up right back at the same person he was just minus the addiction. He’s not the same person at all. And you shouldn’t be either.

[@galfromwi]

No. She didn't do anything wrong. She encouraged him to get help and he did. He's the one who changed during recovery; she shouldn't be punished for the result of his addiction. He needs to stop being a jerk.

[@ashleysalazar2012]

I worked with an alcoholic years ago and I found it to be annoying that she was drunk all the time but when she stopped entirely I missed her drinking. She was so miserable, mean, and just a sad cloud of a nightmare to be around.

[@thematrix3663]

The issue that caused her to drink was not resolved. People drink for a reason. She needed/ needs therapy.

[@ashleysalazar2012]

@@thematrix3663 She didn't have any "real" (for lack of a better word) problems. She told everyone her whole life. I notice that about most people with addictions. They're just weak. They don't necessarily have any real issues they should feel the need to drink and do drugs over.

[@rudiefix1223]

Those people might find AA to be beneficial to them because AA helps with all of the character defects the sober person has developed while drinking. There are SOOOO many that are caused by just covering up all problems with drinking.

[@Trysaratop]

As someone who suffers from alcoholism I found myself coping with my relationship and there were things about him that bugged me that I over looked drunk. When getting sober and I tried to talk about my traumas in the relationship that partner didn’t take accountability for anything wrong nor did they change any toxic behaviors even though I did, when I got serious about goals and responsibilities they thought nothing was wrong with how they were because they weren’t drinking but were still over whelming me with all the chores which didn’t allow me to move forward which came out of me sounding mean and nagging.

[@gwendolynhoward3565]

thank for your post. I love my AA program. It's helped me get to good good living@@rudiefix1223

[@Piccolo_Re]

When I quit drinking I actually lost most of my friends. Drinking made me social and gave me more energy, but after quitting it I don’t like being social at all and my energy to want to socialize is very low. And now I don’t have many close friends that I can trust. Odd how life turns out different for everyone. He gained friends after becoming sober.

[@karri8998]

Congratulations you should be proud and those friends were clearly not worth having in your life. I wish you a long and happy life sober!

[@pdkpropertyexperts]

I hear alot of "I" here. He literally changed his life around for you. He got into the groups you wanted, goes to AA, and now your upset that you dont go to concerts? I stopped drinking and my girl is amazing. She changed with me. Her friends want to go to vegas, she says "we dont drink so probally not" and then later ill be like "nah babe ill be fine in vegas lets go" but shes always thinking of me and helping me first. I love her for that.

[@RepentImmediately]

Functioning like a healthy adult is pretty basic 😂 how low do you want her standards to be?

[@josephmorgan2738]

Congratulations cherish her bc most are like this..selfish list makers

[@susanfields245]

No one can get sober for someone else. And if that’s the truth for this guy, he may not stay sober.

[@laalchimista23]

Looooool let me hold onto my man cuz you men are really trash out here

[@JohnAhrendt]

Not once did the Dr ask if there was anything SHE could do to be a better wife to her husband. Her needs, her feelings, take priority. Unreal.

[@tessg4799]

This! 💯 She may need to step up for him.

[@eyeswideopenpod]

Yes! Exactly! 👏🏽

[@crazyfornails24]

Agreed !!

[@azimuthbusinesscenter]

women need to stop talking, make sandwiches and give bjs... its not that complicated

[@TampaTerrifier]

Happens a lot when women call In unfortunately

[@skateata1]

My dad is a social butterfly when he drinks but more of a quiet guy and prefers to be a alone when sober.

[@TheRealHerbaSchmurba]

Me

[@RepentImmediately]

That most so-called extroverts. Can't stand their friends unless they're drunk 😂

[@thecramptons]

@@RepentImmediately😂😂😂😂

[@enzog1078]

Me

[@LawfulNutral]

I just hit one year sober. I often feel like I’m just beginning. Beginning to let go of the shame. Learning how to be human after killing the demon that was holding me under water. He’s probably still empty in a lot of ways and doesn’t have the tools to give this person what she demands from him every time she hands him a list and he probably doesn't feel safe to say that he feels shame for who he was and still doesn’t know who he is. Even after a year.

[@giulias.5104]

You nailed it. Good on you for your sobriety, and blessings 💪❤❤

[@MSHoneybee210]

She’s putting a LOT of pressure on what one year sober should have made happen by now

[@robr268]

So basically you asked for husband to date you and chase you like he did when you all broke up and when you were dating. 2 things, it looks like you should've asked this of him 10yrs ago and 2nd you enjoy that part of the relationship. You at the thick of love baby. This is comfort and not for the weak. Pick your battles wisely and carefully.

[@ceelothatmane9421]

Women get their relationship ideals from movies, media, music, and celebrities. Men get ours from our value systems

[@RepentImmediately]

​@@ceelothatmane9421yes, men value domestic labor and sex but they don't want to pay for either so they get a wife

[@melissam7379]

My father had been an alcoholic before I was born and he always told me that the AA, to an extent, teaches you to be selfish, to take care of yourself first, to think of yourself first. That’s what could be happening. He made such a drastic life change and right now, he doesn’t have room to consider anyone else’s feelings, wants and needs but his own.

[@carolallison9685]

She has already taught him a valuable lesson. He doesn't need her. She left him, he got sober on his own without her, and now, after he's accomplished so much, she's back with a huge list of more things he has to change to be with her. The thing is, he isn't scared of losing her anymore. And no, this woman does not love her husband, and he knows it. I would never abandon my husband because of alcoholism unless there was abuse, which i doubt given that she said how fun he used to be. Abusive spouses aren't fun spouses. She also said she quit drinking for a LITTLE WHILE. That's huge. She knows he's a recovering alcoholic and she can't also give up drinking for longer than "a little while" while making him give up drinking permanently? It's only been a year, and she couldn't stop drinking for a year? Na, this dude would be better off without her if all she is going to do is make demands but not actually come through for him.

[@RealAnita926]

You do not know these people.

[@The-Oneness11]

Actually when you deal with people with addictions eventually you have to get away from them or else you go down with them.

[@nansi113]

You rarely have addiction without abuse. They do anything to feed their addiction - lie, manipulate, financial abuse, gas light, etc.

[@chickenmama823]

My husband has been sober for 3.5 years. I totally relate to what this woman is saying. Many of the same feelings. My husband made the choice to go to recovery and knew he had a problem. I felt such huge relief. He has done an incredible job. Just don't have the same relationship and we have to figure out our new normal.

[@heatherjsews]

As someone in recovery myself, when my husband tells me all the things I'm still doing wrong or not enough, etc. That makes me feel like nothing I do is ever enough as well. It's not surprising he reacted the way he did, although I would prefer a list of things my husband needs to feel loved instead of just being criticized. And yes it is all about him, us alcoholics are pretty selfish and self centered.

[@RepentImmediately]

So why be in a relationship if it's all about you? Sounds like you're a parasite

[@themurderbotfeed7688]

This is one of those calls I’d love to hear them both on the phone. I understand that since shes the one callimg this is as far as advise goes, but damm id love the whole story

[@private123-v9l]

Yeah I think she’s not tellling us something, this feels really off

[@zo.ilyouu]

@@private123-v9lthere’s something she’s leaving out

[@PrintMuva]

As a someone who used to be addicted. I guarantee he got sober and started questioning everything and everyone in his life. He has to not only heal from the damage the addiction was suppressing and the damage done by the addiction itself he now also has to figure out who he is, what he wants, and how he truly feels. When someone spends a portion of their life medicating it messes up with our choices and behaviors. This is normal but he might realize that he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore and if that's the case there are going to be some tough conversations in the future. Wishing them the best.

[@waynebeaver4096]

She said the magic words - "it sucks when you're someone's cheerleader..." Her role during his active drinking was as a cheerleader. She desperately needs Al-anon. Even though it's been a year, they will need a lot of help individually and as a couple. Her disposition can quickly push him into relapse, and if he isn't honest with himself and the condition of his marriage ... it'll fail. It will take honesty, humility, and willingness on both sides. They may think giving up is the easiest option, but then they'll never address the underlying personality issues. Hope it works out for them.

[@imageword5576]

I think she meant she was cheerleading him towards him becoming sober

[@MrHCify]

Make him a meal and hand him a list of everything he needs to do to make you happy. Sounds like a recipe for success.

[@raptorhandz]

Sounds like the beginning of every break up

[@daleweiss9507]

Then when he meets one of her demands she moves the goal post.

[@Dontrolling]

She’s trying to rebuild the old him and he’s telling her it’s not happening. I don’t know what more confirmation she needs to move on. She loves what he was but not who he is now. They’re both wasting time.

[@sweetstorm7652]

Happiness is from within, he cannot do things to make her happy.

[@Silvermoonscorpion]

As a sober person who chose their own sobriety... I think he's resentful.. You told him sobriety or our marriage. He choose but neither of you anticipated him feeling frustrated nor angry towards you and yep. Since sobering up I don't see nor feel my husband of nearly twenty years the same. We're in counseling now... Best wishes, hun..

[@jakevonstein8683]

John shouldn’t talk about addiction when he has no understanding of it.

[@hannahd1726]

These comments are depressing. We all have needs in a relationship. Being honest and communicating them is what makes a relationship possible. This woman has been very courageous and vulnerable in opening up and being honest about her feelings. The conversation is focused on her because she is the one on the line. She is the one reaching out and trying to save the relationship. Not an easy thing. All credit to her!

[@sendit3251]

For the husband Run dude Runnnnn

[@azimuthbusinesscenter]

far and fast, change your name and stack benjamins. This woman is nuts

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

Like John Mulaney did, right?

[@private123-v9l]

@@azimuthbusinesscenterI agree

[@LOUBAT1]

I’m afraid I agree with you. This chap has stopped drinking - which is a HUGE thing - and she sits him down with a list of all the things she wants him to do differently??

[@azimuthbusinesscenter]

@@KatieLHall-fy1hw I don't know who that is and it doesn't matter. Comparing one situation to another is immature. This woman will be viewing this man as a project forever. If he cured cancer she would say, "what took you so long"

[@Trinsid]

Wow, what a rough and confusing situation. Prayers to both of them.

[@Cunningstunts23]

This is a rare time where I think Dr John dropped the ball pretty heavily. By the sound of it she’s the one gaslighting him not the other way around, and John is just feeding her ego by telling her she’s right and he’s wrong

[@notreallyafamousartist695]

He drops the ball every time you must be blind. He doesn’t give any insight ever, he just affirms the callers bias and says “you aren’t crazy” over and over and over. Then continues to tell them what they want to hear over and over. You’re just now seeing it.

[@Jeremy-wp4yh]

​@@notreallyafamousartist695only female callers.

[@katie0303]

Hmm. My relative put his spouse through hell with his alcoholism. It ain't fun. So the caller deserves a lot of credit for sticking around. I see nothing wrong with her expressing her needs. He should be listening and he should care. She also gave him the opportunity to express his needs.

[@imageword5576]

I'm starting to notice he is really good at telling women what they want to hear on this show, kinda seems like a bit of a grift the more I listen to it

[@nataliestark8243]

I think she's starting to see the real him after the alcohol is gone. I wish my to be ex would have been sober and stayed sober. Then he might have been stable enough to actually try to make things work. But you can't fix the underlying personality under the alcohol.

[@tiger05rtc]

Maybe there was nothing to “fix” it’s her that is unreasonable

[@teddyp3723]

@@tiger05rtcthere likely is if he became an alcoholic.

[@ceelothatmane9421]

@@teddyp3723her presence could be what needs to be fixed

[@azimuthbusinesscenter]

she is the underlying personality, she is the problem

[@ceelothatmane9421]

@@azimuthbusinesscenter exactly what I said but YT deleted my comment. Her presence is what needs to be fixed in his life.

[@kab6368]

One year is still early recovery. Give the guy a break! My husband and I got clean together. Life sucked for a bit! But we got thru it. This woman is me me me! Shame on her

[@bettywith2girls]

@@dd4run But he may need to be in the "me me me" self-centered stage to stay newly sober and not relapse. She needs to talk with someone but does it have to be him, when he's got so much on his plate? Can't she talk with other women with newly sober spouses on what to expect and how to cope?

[@winkles2314]

The woman can’t always be right, John. In this case she certainly isn’t.

[@BattleClanAreaChaos]

LOOOOOOOOL

[@BattleClanAreaChaos]

They should make it mandatory to have a verified photo sent with a message whenever someone leaves a comment. Have a great day man, you’re hilarious!

[@winkles2314]

@@BattleClanAreaChaos LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL K

[@fauxbro1983]

The guy is an alcoholic so yeah hes going to avoid places where booze is and this caller still wants to be around events where booze is

[@Chreeves]

Lmao, so she wants the fun alcoholic, but minus the alcohol.. When peoole stop drinking and experience extended mental clarity, things change. You dont get to have it both ways and its really not fair to expect that of anyone.

[@joykonkel1347]

bingo

[@DrewsThoughts]

"I gave him a list". Woman if you're reading this just because John is a simp to women doesn't mean other men have to be. Your husband is not your child. If my spouse gave me a list I'm throwing it in the trash. Talk to him like he's a human. Express every one of your feelings and emotions. And maybe even ask yourself what you could do for him that would make things better.

[@AndrewReevesArt]

Amen.

[@teddyp3723]

Maybe the list is just a way of organizing those thoughts and emotions and making it so that the other person can look back on it if they want to be reminded. I don’t see it as inherently bad. She did ask him if he wanted to make a list about his needs/wants also.

[@vkp00]

​@@teddyp3723 I came here to say just that! The list doesn't have to consist of 1-10 things the husband needs to improve. Instead, it could be an outline of her talking points or simply just a list of activities they could do together to reignite the fun and excitement in their lives. Which is why she asked for a list from him.

[@spriggy4382]

No man with an ounce of self respect uses the term simp to describe other men.

[@neisci]

Some people communicate better when they write things down. If you love your partner you will work with them on this ways. Enough with the redpill rethoric.

[@BrainWasherAttendent]

It may take more than a year for him to find his footing. He may now be bored now that he’s sober as well. Getting sober does NOT solve life’s problems instantly or even ever. It is an improvement to one aspect of life, not everything. And now you have the man he was trying to not feel by not being sober. Enjoy. The wife definitely doesn’t love this guy for who he is…She’s ready for the next thing. She “fixed” him and is now bored with her old toy.

[@ChardeeMacdennis339]

You’re so right about the boredom aspect. When I first got sober everything felt boring. Like I didn’t know how to have fun anymore… it does take some time. It’s been 10 years for me…

[@jasonhood9753]

What happened was he had an addiction for a reason. Self medicating was his way of coping with feelings of inadequacy and wounds. It sucks to live in a world where you are never good enough.

[@UnstoppableMorgan]

Almost 7 months sober here! Not only did my drinking cause me to feel falsely attracted to past boyfriends but it made me a very funny, outgoing and passionate person to be around. Now that I’m sober I’m having to learn how to be the entirely new person I am. I’m not as sexual, my days and thoughts are more serious than ever and I have had to relearn how to interact with some of my closest friends. Things are so different! I’m different! I haven’t listened to the show yet, just the question before I paused it to comment, but I can undoubtedly say that this woman is going to have to fall in love with this new person her husband is. Unfortunately it may not happen and the relationship is going to need to end. Not to mention her husband is going to have to fall back in love with his wife having this new sober brain. Again, it may not happen. That’s the dark side to alcohol. It causes a LOT of false emotions that just aren’t there when you’re not drinking.

[@Lil-Whiskies]

Thank you! I call it 'false intimacy'. Both parties play their part in this and are unaware of the unhealthy dynamic.

[@susanlee8023]

Very true. Because of the way I used, I was afraid that getting sober would destroy my sex life - it didn’t at all, but it sure changed it.

[@thecowsaysmoo6084]

He put ending the relationship on her so he will not be the failure of the relationship. My 2 cents.

[@Jackaroo.]

Seems like they are both trying to put it on the other.

[@Jeremy-wp4yh]

She can't deal with him sober. That's a red flag. It means she doesn't want to see him improve because he's not dependant on her anymore. They should both call it quits

[@MarcusTheJR]

Hold on, why didn't John ask her why she isn't being a better wife? Why didn't he call her out for not supporting and being happy with sober husband. He changed for the better, and all i heard was complaining. Imagine a husband complaining that his wife is sober and isn't fun anymore. Yall would destroy that guy

[@Cunningstunts23]

He has to appeal to his mostly female audience. Calling her out on her behavior would only discourage viewers from calling in

[@MarcusTheJR]

@@Cunningstunts23 says alot about Americans, that they would rather have affirmative lessons rather than honest criticism. Really speaks volumes

[@Cunningstunts23]

@@MarcusTheJR what’s that got to do with Americans? Lmao. Idk if you know this but people in other countries have internet access and watch his show

[@notreallyafamousartist695]

@@Cunningstunts23he’s not wrong tho, this is a very American way of thinking. Ofc it exist elsewhere but our culture is intolerant of criticism as a whole.

[@Cunningstunts23]

@@notreallyafamousartist695 I would say it’s that way in the vast majority of the world

[@TheThreatenedSwan]

She talks about how she found it difficult to do things with his sober activity group immediately followed by saying how she loves to go to concerts and stuff like that. I think I'm seeing the issue. There could be a future for these two, but it also might never be enough that she now sees him as boring and sees not drinking as a signal of that

[@Jeremy-wp4yh]

She's addicted to chaos.

[@bettywith2girls]

I think it was more like it was easy to get along with the "fun" drunk spouse than a spouse who is hanging onto dear life trying to stay sober. She knew she wouldn't be the center of his universe anymore but never thought it would be this "bad"...let's be honest here. They could easily go to concerts etc. without drinking, but he's changed and he just doesn't want to do that anymore with her if he can't have a drink...he only did it so he could drink, and it would remind him of his old life and he's worried it would tempt him to drink again. But I betcha if his new sober friends said they wanted to go to a concert, etc. he'd go with them in a second, because he has more in common with them than he does with her, right now. She's realizing that That's what the problem is...she wants the "old" spouse back she fell in love with and married...the "fun" drunk who didn't have the drinking problem yet who lavished all that attention on her,. Getting sober, off drugs, and sometimes having kids, can change your life drastically. That's what's happened him, and she's having a tough time accepting that things have changed that dramatically, probably permanently. She needs to have come-to-Jesus honest talk with him, asking him point-blank if he wants to still be married to her and have a family, and be prepared for the answer being "no". Whatever answer comes, she needs to then make a decision on whether she wants to stay or go.

[@Jeremy-wp4yh]

@@bettywith2girls their relationship was built on addiction and co-dependance. Now that he's sober, he has less in common with her. I think she has some soul searching to do. She might not be all that good for him

[@winstonmiller4854]

Marriage is hard and goes through cycles. Get counseling together and work on communication. Don't give up unless you've really, really tried. In sickness and in health, until death do us part. Good luck Maddie!

[@sarahsincerely2.0]

Al anon

[@bettywith2girls]

@@sarahsincerely2.0 Probably a good idea. But I know a few marriages where the marriage fell apart when one or the other spouse got sober. It's such a dramatic, life changing thing that many times he or she may feel that the other is not the spouse you said "I do" to. Although it would be sad and I d-o hope they work it out...if they should break up, they've only been married 5 years and there's no children...it wouldn't be the end of the world. They both seem like they are young enough to start again with someone else if they needed to. She needs a come-to-Jesus talk with him on his true feelings for her now, whether he wants to stay married to her or not, and be prepared for it being a "no".

[@jadeinthewoods]

People use alcohol to cope with their internal struggles. Sorrow, pain, feelings of inadequacy, maybe they’re very introverted and they drink to become more social, maybe they’re unfulfilled and unhappy with their lives and they drink to get out of their head. Maybe they have issues with intimacy and drinking helps them open up to others. There are so many reasons that people become alcoholics. Once they get sober, you have to expect the issues that they’ve been running from all those years will surface. You may not like the person without the addiction. Sobriety isn’t the end. They need to follow up with counseling/therapy. It sounds like Maddie’s husband might be dealing with those demons now that the emotional crutch is gone. She needs to give him time to figure it all out.

[@PGHFilter]

She's moving the goalposts and a fucking doctor can't see it

[@patriciaalbertson5183]

She needs to be in a program Too...

[@eyeswideopenpod]

As an addict with 17 years clean time I can say that he’s a new man and wants a new life too. If you “made” him get clean then he may blame you for him having to change. You can do it all but he may just want a whole new life without you. He prolly feels like nothing he can do is good enough for you cuz you wanted him to change. This is how I felt when I got clean too. I’m twice divorced and being clean helped me see what was wrong in my relationships. That might be what’s happening with your husband.

[@drsalka]

so basically he was reducing her quality of life with his addictive habits/choices and now he is blaming her, too for something that improved his quality of life along with "pleasing her desire for him to stop being an alcoholic/addict". Are addicts capable of accountability and self-reflection or does that only dawn on them in a flash right before they die and everyone around them just need to accommodate their dysfunctional (but oh so convenient for them) disinterest in reciprocal interpersonal dynamics?

[@eyeswideopenpod]

@@drsalka of course they are but not at 1 year clean. He will look back on it with regret. But self-awareness takes years of healing and growing and changing (it can happen faster tho if they want lasting change). A divorce will be good for both of them. Hopefully both can take personal responsibility for their sides in the whole thing. I wish them well.

[@Kivlor]

@@drsalka I mean, if she chose an addict, was he really reducing her quality of life? Sounds like she wanted an addict. And she still does. "He's boring now" lol

[@RepentImmediately]

Did it help you see what was wrong with you as well?

[@eyeswideopenpod]

@@RepentImmediately yes! I’ve been working intensely on myself for the last 5 years. I’ve started my podcast to share my journey to help others too.

[@dyllangames3592]

Her point is: I told him what he needed to change (his drinking and stuff) and he did, but then I told him he needed to change X amount of OTHER non related things AFTER he’s worked for a YEAR to change the thing I originally asked him to change. He is just done living his life at this point to serve her. He already changed what she told him to. It feels like he’s never good enough for her because every time he gets closer to what she wants from him, she is going to stack another list of demands on top of it. And I can see why he’d stop chasing that.

[@susango123]

As a person in recovery, it's important to me that anyone that dates me has an Al-anon program. It keeps the focus on them, so either party is not bogged down by either of your issues. Although, your husband is sober, he's not able to emotionally take care of you now. It took me five years of sobriety before I would consider dating, hence the reason for Al-anon for anyone I date. I also recommend outside help as well. It's possible to salvage the marriage and it be a good marriage. Good luck.

[@courtneymiszczak6413]

I dated a guy once that I had so much fun with while drunk, genuinely felt like we had connected, but once I slowed down or stopped drinking I realized I didn’t like him at all. That was a profound moment when I realized what had been swaying my emotions.

[@lav7161]

It makes sense, though. I'm a huge drinker and I know that if I stop, I will not be doing ANYTHING that I'm currently doing (sports, gambling, mid-week drinks, late night hangouts) It sounds like he's grown up to be a completely different person and it doesn't match the life that he's currently in. This is going to be really tough on the relationship. I don't know how she doesn't clearly see this, though. She just wants and wants and wants, and she is avoiding everything that he's telling her.

[@RepentImmediately]

Your whole social life is based on alcohol which begs the question, do you even like the people you spend time with? Or do you have to be drunk to enjoy being with them?

[@Shaolin91z]

Lol 😂⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ This.

[@lav7161]

@auemmjee Yeah, they're my drinking buddies. Everything we do involves drinking. Love them to death and we never hang out sober. I have another group of friends that I have for that.

[@UnstoppableMorgan]

11:15 sorry love but most activities he took part in when he was a drinker are going to be very uninteresting to do now that he’s sober. Our brains form patterns and the concerts and the dinner dates…etc are likely all associated with drinking to him. The best way someone can get and stay sober is to avoid doing the things that they did while drinking. It triggers the desire to drink again if we do. Even if the desire to drink isn’t there, sobriety will make that event less fun. Over time and with certain events this can change. But it takes a LOT of time. Once us that get sober finally fall in love with our new sober self, revisiting these events will become easier. All of this is being said from just self experience. I did not do AA or go to rehab. Sounds to me like this relationship is over. It’s wonderful there’s no kids involved. Both of you have the chance to go out and build a new life. Be friends! Hey maybe a few years down the road you’ll cross paths again and fall in love with who you both are then. ❤

[@GAFB1122]

Reminds me of Friend's and Fun Bobby. They loved how fun he was and he was drinking or drunk all the time. They said he had a problem, he sought help and got sober. Then he was no longer fun according to them. They wanted fun Bobby but fun Bobby does'nt exist without alcohol. And that's sad on THEIR part. Too bad they didn't like or love his character and they only liked him because he was fun. Character is so much more important than fun!!!

[@samuelpayne5460]

It’s unbelievable how little Dr John understands about relationships. The guy was clearly drinking in order to deal with his demanding wife. Then John encourages her when she left, then she’s surprised that he has gone into a shell now that she’s back. She hurt him to an extent that she can’t possibly imagine, and with that wound comes with a guard that doesn’t really go down. She was horrible to him and John is encouraging her in her selfish ways.

[@RepentImmediately]

If her asking for what she wants hurt him that badly he must be pretty weak minded

[@Jeremy-wp4yh]

​@@RepentImmediatelyif a sober guy is boring then she's addicted to chaos and drama. That's a red flag.

[@phyllisdowell6820]

People drink because they’re addicts. An addict will always blame people, places and things as reasons for drinking. In an addictive relationship, there are always two sick people. She needs Al-anon, not blame.

[@samuelpayne5460]

@@RepentImmediatelythe guy was hurt bc she left him bc he didn’t comply with her. Not bc of the request. This isn’t a weak mindedness, it’s bc she’s horrible to be around. At some point we’ve got to call out toxic behavior perpetrated by women instead of encouraging them to pitch a fit and leave when they don’t get their way

[@galfromwi]

He drank because he was always, probably genetically, an addict, not to get away from his wife. Addicts like to blame everyone else for their problems.

[@2daFull]

Delony missed the clear codependency here.

[@lindawatson8087]

My husband has been sober for 7 years, I have the man that I married back. So proud of him.

[@martialarts18]

I get that he tends to take the callers side to keep viewer engagement high, but this one was not it. She is moving the goal posts while he’s still acclimating to life without his vice. I couldn’t imagine working really hard to get over an addiction, to then be handed a list out of the blue on more things to change. I think the advice could have been a little more critical on her given the circumstances of the situation, and less just conforming with what she was saying.

[@KENTUCKYUSA1]

Yes absolutely.

[@imageword5576]

he sounded very overly comforting it made me sick almost hearing him placate her

[@Harken4949]

The thing is when you plan quality time together that is not the time to bring up concerns. Plan time for concerns.

[@Youdoxxikill]

It sounds like the man got sober and outgrew the woman

[@dipsydoozacharoo]

You basically stop letting the bullshit slide, a sober mind allows you to outgrow and snap out of the fantasy.

[@azimuthbusinesscenter]

she is nuttier than squirrel turd, nothing is good enough for this chick

[@Z28videogates]

He no longer has beer goggles on anymore.

[@kimlevy6521]

she was there for him and he doesn't deserve her or anyone if he's like that

[@martinmi5]

My exact thoughts.

[@rabidgoon]

Honestly, I can tell listening to this woman that she is the problem here. The dude has made tremendous strides to improve himself, but she wants some kind of fairytale romance situation that doesn’t exist. I hope that he dodges the bullet and realizes she is not worth the trouble.

[@RepentImmediately]

Going to dinner with your spouse is fairytale fodder? 😂

[@notreallyafamousartist695]

@@RepentImmediatelydisingenuous

[@jeromehenry4484]

Since caller wants romance in her marriage, SHE can create/instigate the romance towards husband. Most men would be thrilled if their special lady made an effort once in while, to set up date, sexy massage, give a naughty note/compliment, etc., anything that focused attention on him. 99% chance he will not rebuff her.

[@geometerfpv2804]

​@@RepentImmediatelyShe clearly stated that the only time she believed he was "good enough" was at the very beginning of the relationship in the infatuation stage. Keep in mind you are hearing her rationalized version of events. Why can't she get along with his newfound friends? Sounds like he has actually found a friendly community. I think she is just chasing the puppy love stage.

[@arliepics4364]

I thought after my husband stopped drinking, eventually his attention would start returning to his family and participating. Instead for ten years his life became the AA community. He eventually married another member. I hear the pain in this woman' s voice. She will find so much more happiness after she adjusts to the fact her husband is a different person now and it is not her fault that he chooses not to incorporate two lives. Her support of him has turned to bite her and is not the way the story should have ended. He left his old guilt with HER life and has a fresh start to be guilt free with strangers. Thank God no children will be hurt. My heart hurts for her.

[@irrelevantideology9640]

You never stop struggling with addiction. THATS probably his problem.

[@andyg806]

Recovery from addiction takes a lot longer than a year. Whilst he's done great, it doesn't mean the journey of recovery is over. Being a husband or wife means putting what you want aside whilst you support your spouse through that journey. That journey just isn't over yet.

[@jamieg9607]

I can understand where her husband is coming from. I feel that way as well sometimes. When you’re doing your best and your wife is asking for more, it gets really frustrating. She should look at herself and try to become a better wife. Not saying anything negative about her but it’s about spouses looking at themselves and not projecting on their partners

[@sugarpie9492]

I'm 34 years sober, and the first 2 years were rough. You feel like you're just treading water, trying to hang on. Be patient and hang in there. He has has to change his WHOLE life. You're putting too much pressure on him, and you really don't understand what he's going through. You can't. But if he stays sober long term it will get better. 💕 And Dr. John is exactly right about getting immersed with his "sober bros" and doing things to avoid the problems at home. I didn't have a spouse when I quit, but I got obsessed with projects to keep me busy. This phase went on for 2 years. First I made a 134 square quilt. Then I switched to jigsaw puzzles, then crossstitch, then canning jam (my friend Lorrie and I canned a 163 jars of jam over a summer. We combined every fruit in existence) then the last thing I used to occupy my mind while I worked on learning how to be sober was I took a "Watercolor Painting" class. And that's the activity that has stuck. 😎

[@Youdoxxikill]

Not once the doctor asked what she does for him just what she wants him to do for her

[@tiger05rtc]

Exactly. He is appealing to his audience which is a majority female

[@DrewsThoughts]

He doesn't do that. He's a simp to women. It's like he's terrified to hold women accountable.

[@drsalka]

She told us all herself that she asked her partner to make a list of things that he feels he needs from her = she wants to fill his cup, too and isn't entitled.

[@michelledavidson1781]

She was doing everything for him but it was enabling his behavior. She was in love with the illusion of this person. This is why, in sobriety, romantic relationships usually fall by the wayside. She shouldn't be with him because she is asking for him to give her love when he is incapable of it. If he loved himself, he wouldn't have been an addict. If staying sober is hard, fulfilling someone else's needs is an impossible ask. In sobriety, it is recommended not to be in a romantic relationship for at least one year. She is also an addict. She's addicted to getting love from someone else instead of giving it to herself. She's chasing an illusion.

[@drsalka]

​@@michelledavidson1781 I see what you mean and it's a possible & valid interpretation of what was, is and will be and yet, if he is capable of becoming sober, he is capable of becoming better than he ever was before. I would like that to be what he chooses to step into/cultivate next. Life isn't about "being done with", life is about living. He needs to accept he will never "be done" while at the same time be aware that he is complete as he is while striving to expand his relational/intimacy capacity, not even as a man in a relationship with a woman, but as a human being dealing with another human being.

[@Enviro-Erin]

Lol, most of the people in my life thought I was more fun before I got sober. I sometimes trick myself into thinking my life was happier because I was more social. I was usually the one who motivated people to go out for some crazy drunken adventure, or I'd be the one throwing the parties. I'm willing to sacrifice being "charismatic" to avoid all the other consequences. People remember "fun" me, they forget all the times I'd black out on my feet and make a complete fool of myself. I do not miss having to call my friends to ask "what the @*%# happened?" or wondering where my car keys were, how I ended up spending $80 at the bar, or when I might have puked in my hair. My husband is the one who gave me the ultimatum to sober up, he saved my life and he saved our marriage. I took a career change, got another degree, and am still trying every day to make me someone I can be proud of. I'm eternally grateful, but the downside of sobriety for me is that now I have to learn healthy coping skills and good habits - that's the hard part!

[@jennyberger6688]

Yeah, this is a lot of what my relationship was after my husband got sober, and though he chose to do it himself, we had to rebuild a new relationship and I did have to understand that he was a whole different person because when you’re sober you have to become a whole different person and not community that he’s built around is what keeps him soberso you’re gonna have to build a new relationship

[@jasonrodgers9063]

At 10:01- Wife says- "It's almost like he won't do things for me." JEEZE LOUISE, woman! He's reshaping his whole life to please you, but you always want MORE! He feels like he's being told to roll a boulder uphill for eternity! How could he NOT feel discouraged?!

[@RepentImmediately]

He became a functional adult to please her is what you're saying. That's some super basic stuff.

[@ArteneMaria-s1l]

He is quitting an addiction that was taking a toll on his life and she simply imposed her limits by leaving an addict. This is not a change to "please" her, or to "please" his mother, father or anybody else

[@303mitch]

​​@@RepentImmediatelyWhile there's some truth to what you say, you are not giving enough respect to someone who overcame an addiction. Hopefully you will never have to experience such a difficult thing but it is a grueling experience to have crawl and scratch your way back to being a functioning adult. It's not nothing.

[@notreallyafamousartist695]

@@RepentImmediatelyquitting an addiction is not super basic stuff you sociopathic subhuman.

[@momok8879]

Getting sober isn't the pat on the back, a lot of you think it is. For 5 years she's supported an addict. Him putting the booze down was STEP ONE.

[@eeayquetting5963]

Wow, the man is improving himself in substantial ways, after she harasses him to get sober, but now she's going to complain about it. Leave my man you will never be able to make her happy

[@nyapayton7087]

What do you mean by "harasses", he needed to get sober, would you put up with an alcoholic husband?

[@eeayquetting5963]

@@nyapayton7087 not at all, he needed to get sober, and possibly he needed to be harassed to get sober.... but I then wouldn't resent him after he gets sober because I'm not having as much fun with him being sober.

[@cosmicsugarcookie9067]

Yes because asking your partner to be sober is "enough". She wants connection and has tried to attend the new things in his life. She offered him a moment for connection and he got offended. We weren't there to see how this conversation went or how she asked, but instead it just became another point of contention between them

[@tiger05rtc]

Yup

[@Jdaads]

Harasses?? No. Also, it’s not a list of ways for him to improve as an individual. The list itself isn’t connection. The list is about knowing how to meet each other’s needs, thus improving connection.

[@jaqueitch]

As an alcoholic, I was able to leave the booze and make significant changes in my life for the better. Within 4 years, I've doubled my personal salary to $250k plus. Also, I have much better control over my destiny. My family is much happier and supportive.

[@RepentImmediately]

Well done

[@MSHoneybee210]

This call has made me aware that people like to marry their college experiences

[@DragonHelm88]

This is strange. It's good advice to help the husband see/change even further by asking him "do you want to be married to me, and if you do, let's grow toward these things." Feedback like "be a different person, you're not doing that great" is hard for anyone to hear, even someone who loves you and wants to grow (and is getting out of bad habits) he's kind of flattering her (she seems like she's done a lot good, to be fair) but he's kind of counseling her toward divorce instead of "he's made a lot of changes, let's help him make the next step"

[@funkyklunky.]

My ex girlfriend can relate to this. After I got sober she was still unhappy and putting it on me so I left her and she is still unhappy. Looking for something or someone to put her worry fear and anxiety. Anything to avoid being accountable. Authority of a man Benefits of a woman Accountability of an infant... The Consensus reality woman in 2024

[@RepentImmediately]

Men date princesses and then talk about women like they've actually dated one

[@catara99]

1. Get the book "Co-Dependent No More" to help yourself and to give him the space he needs. 2. He might be going through the motions, where he is a "dry" drunk. He hasn't been able to deal with the underlying reasons he drank, and might not know how. 3. His sobriety will have to become priority number 1, even over you, in order to stay that way at this point in time, maybe always. If you can't handle that, let him go, and give both of you the chance to find happiness with someone else.

[@crybaby-killa6155]

I'm disappointed how everybody is not able to sympathize with the wife. She deserves compassion she's done a lot. She's stuck with her husband and now she needs guidance. That's why she's called the podcast she loves her husband.

[@samwisebaggins]

I can empathize with both people in the relationship. I think the podcast host messed up by encouraging hopelessness. Nobody's perfect, no matter how many subscribers they have.

[@bettywith2girls]

I agree. This guy is just not the guy she married all those years ago, and she is struggling with that...her feelings are just as legit as his are. I d-o think he is coping as well as he can and she needs to see that and that their marriage isn't e-v-e-r going to be like it was before (a new "normal" as they say). She may need to go to Al-Anon. And he honestly may have fallen out of love with her, with the dramatic changes that have happened...and she needs to find this out and deal with it. They both just need an honest come-to-Jesus talk about if they want to continue on with their marriage and have a family together...or not. They've only been married 5 years and there's no children, which is probably a blessing. I've actually have heard of a few marriages that have folded when one or the other spouse got sober. They both seem young enough to be able to start again with someone new if need be. I feel sorry for her because she does love him, but she needs to either change herself or make new life plans without him, sadly, IMHO.

[@crybaby-killa6155]

@@bettywith2girls well said!

[@actiondefence]

She didn't stick with him, she separated from him for 6 months because she didn't want to be with him.

[@shazj1842]

Firstly, working on his alcoholism is for HIM, his body, his mind, his life, Maddie benefits but he is the biggest beneficiary, yes it is a huge life long change & without it he risked losing his partner, family, maybe job down the line & more. Now there's some other family issues they need to work through. Some comments seemed to imply Maddie maybe wants too much & sobriety is enough, it's wonderful yes and there's more great stuff this relationship can deliver with work.

[@Nick-bd2yv]

“You need to change” Guy changes “Not like that!”

[@nyapayton7087]

How is it too much to ask for connection and intimacy?

[@tiger05rtc]

@@nyapayton7087how can you not understand that what you are saying is like expecting someone to read your mind ?

[@drsalka]

@@tiger05rtc people who hadn't been committed to their addictions have more time and internal capacity to explore what relationships *can* be like, in a sense that they don't focus on the problems and how to solve them, because there are less of them/aren't as many, instead they can focus on the enrichment and how to expand, make the relationships more beautiful. He hasn't had the time to do that because his addiction was actively taking from the relationship instead of contributing to and growing, nurturing it. It doesn't take mind reading skills to understand that when you have debt, you have to repay it and while u r repaying it, u can't enjoy the lavish purchases that you would if u were above the level of financial responsibility. The same principle applies in relational dynamics. It's basic logic. Now that he is no longer taking from the woman and the relationship, he could apply the same effort/attention that he did into becoming sober, into making this relationship everything it now can be (that it couldn't be before because of his neglect/irresponsibility or just lack of imagination). Sometimes I wonder if people ever use the nugget in their scull they were equipped with at birth or are they just swimming in the sea of experience eukaryote-like. ...

[@athousandandonenights11]

@@tiger05rtcBut she didn’t ask him to read her mind though. She literally handed him a step by step of what she wanted and expected. She asked him to give her his own list too so that no one had to read minds.

[@angryox3102]

"You need to change" Guy Changes ""You're boring!"

[@JohnStro]

Wow, a lot of people have no clue about addiction here, just like Maddie. Dude is learning who he is, and mentally starting to grow from the point he started using. The new/real him may not be compatible with her, but she has every right to list her needs. I got sober and had to leave my girlfriend at the time to get to know me. It's been 12 years and I'm still learning a ton about myself. Putting down the drink or drug is only the first part of a lifelong journey for him, and that's hard for non addicts that think once that happens it's all good.

[@bwilliams1152]

Reading the comments, about her trying to ‘fix’ him. Yes since she is the caller all the complaints are about him and how she feels, and I’m sure he would also have some things to say about her as well. Every marriage has its stuff but has anyone had to really deal with a heavy drinker, or an alcoholic or someone with what they now call alcohol use disorder?? The babysitting, embarrassing behavior, loss of just being able to converse or enjoy that person? It’s horrible, exhausting and dreadful. All your hopes and dreams of a peaceful healthy relationship and life go down the drain. God forbid she try to hold on to someone she loves and ask that he turn down the drinking a bit so they ALL can enjoy themselves not just him. If he has that bad of a drinking problem, he would have to quit anyway whether he is with her or not if he ever wanted a woman to stick around.

[@Shaolin91z]

She can start over with someone new. Go find Mr Romantic and let him chase you. She likes the chase