My Husband Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With Me

My Husband Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With Me
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[@kdlofty]

When there's sex in a relationship it's 10% of the relationship. When there's no sex in a relationship it's 90% of the relationship.

[@4our5ive61]

wow. you are correct.

[@samia6888]

Wow I never seen it in this light. Thank you.

[@kdlofty]

@@samia6888 You're welcome.

[@emontzka]

It’s 90% to the sexually frustrated, zero % to the sexual refuser. It sucks.

[@kdlofty]

@@emontzka if it sucks there isn't a problem is there? Lol.

[@dianecelento4974]

Sexual abuse is such a horrible thing but parents who sexually abuse their own biological children is mind blowing.

[@dianecelento4974]

@@marcicisketti4608 So sorry that happened to you. So glad you're working with the sheriff to get your uncle. I listen to Joyce Meyer ministries on youtube. She was sexually abused by her uncle and father. She talks about it a lot to help others. This happens far too often to children. My brother's girlfriend went through the same type of thing. God Bless You. I pray you have peace and strength because you deserve it

[@ldv02]

Their own children. Period. You don’t have to say biological. Even if it wasn’t biological, it’s the same. Even a nephew/niece. Goodness gracious I don’t get it. Makes me sick

[@IndecisionTelevision]

It's about access. Most people, pedoz included, don't really meet a bunch of random kids they're unrelated to

[@TopVillain]

That’s sad but this is not the case the husband had a healthy sex life prior to marrying this woman….he just doesn’t like her like that it’s possible it’s just a afraid to be alone type of move

[@danilaroche1156]

@@ldv02 It's a demon and I'm serious. My dad molested me at 4 years of age. It wasn't till I was 60 that I could face it. I want to tell you all the Lord Jesus healed my deep pain, self loathing and trauma. My dad was diagnosed schizophrenic but I know it was demonic. I forgave him. He died and I don't know if he ever repented & turned to Christ. Christ is the answer.

[@heatherwood6446]

She struggles because she starts to view herself as the monster-father who hurt this precious little boy that she loves & her instinct to protect tells her "stop" intimacy to LOVE him...when in actuality, if she can just be his wife & let him be her adult husband, THAT will be the best way to love him, a healing GIFT that nobody else can give! 🎁

[@supernova11711]

Ooooh, well stated!!!

[@raedorin979]

That makes sense. I think letting him be a little bit overpowering in the moment might help her with that. Playful things like your husband picking you up, or holding your arm up and tickling you will definitely make you realize he's NOT a little boy and I'm NOT taking advantage of him. I would recommend she start a playful game with him and then when he wins its like, yeah, he's totally fine. s​@@supernova11711

[@growing.grounds4054]

Yes maybe but also I think she views herself as ugly and probably fat which hurts her self esteem.

[@myme8208]

​@@growing.grounds4054 yes she has her own hurt that she needs to deal with, she needs the touch to feel accepted too

[@d3mized]

@@growing.grounds4054you pulled this out of ur ass

[@shethewriter]

You can tell from how she talks that she loves her husband so much. I really feel for her and I hope they get the awesome life they deserve!

[@MineMeMineMeMineMe]

she built up walls for him to be normal with her just because he exposed and share his past with her.

[@randybobandy9828]

She sounds like a heavy cigarette smoker.

[@littleme3597]

@@MineMeMineMeMineMe Huh? Not on her at all. He is gay.

[@Tony-bp1nr]

​​​​@@littleme3597A lot of women are like this in their marriages too for similar or different reasons. Does that mean they're gay too?

[@Mew__]

The woman calling seems super smart. She was connecting many dots in real-time, and also clearly seems engaged to make things work to the best of her abilities. Godspeed to this couple.

[@trianglesandsquares420]

She's a people pleaser and a perfectionist, that's why she agrees with John and studied all his material before calling, but she's smart too. She needs to take some initiative for what she wants, though, and not just for what needs to get done. And her husband needs to help in some way, because this is all on her shoulders.

[@dankus.memeokus4192]

​@trianglesandsquares420 u can't put her being upset by his sexual abuse on him in any way shape or form he should not have to help

[@SuperJust4girls]

​@dankus.memeokus4192 I think it's more that both need counseling. He needs a therapist to help him through his trauma and so does she. Her being upset is from him being uncomfortable and not being able to voice it to her, this can be worked out with a therapist. Both have valid feelings, it's just an awkward situation that needs to be worked out.

[@user-uc5sn4tp3f]

She's Overthinking .

[@sabrinafrederick4141]

My sister and I were victims of our dad too. I’m 50 years old and had 20 years of therapy. Unfortunately most therapists don’t correctly know how to help incest victims. I found Dr. Susan Foward who is now retired but was an expert in this field. She wrote many books, she saved my life. Praying for this poor man.

[@lukebarrett2317]

there are prayers for fixing divorce and brokenness marriages. Although me and my wife are now back together and our love is even stronger but I was a total mess when she first dumped me.

[@sarahalderman3126]

Another woman who is an incest survivor. Not my father but cousin’s. Regardless this story breaks my heart and is so close to my own.

[@madlaz5795]

Wow what is the hardest thing to deal with?

[@namaste2788]

I agree with you, had years of trauma therapy, yes i have healed in a way, learned some tools on how to cope. But sex, was on a different level, and these steps only happen with the person you let in, your love partner. I've read the comments, and some don't seem to understand how this trauma lives on, its like saying to someone who lost an arm (which i have lost function of one arm) goes to see a therapist to accept and grieve and move forward, but what is lost will not be gained back. You will always be different in some areas, being abused by a family member for years, in your young learning years, will have an impact forever.

[@user-ub9kl3rb3g]

That's not incest-- it's sexual abuse. Incest is sexual relations between close relatives who are consenting adults. It's actually legal in a few states. A child who is sexually abused by an older sibling, a parent, etc., can't consent to anything. There's a power differential, i.e., it's predatory. That's a crime. My mother has reframed my childhood sexual abuse by my older brother as incest, e.g., "it's actually really common." This is her attempt to make it seem ubiquitous, and to avoid accountability, etc. She cognitively "normalized" it in her own mind, and attempted to gaslight me for years. It didn't work. From the ages of 5 to 13, I was sexually abused by my older brother and she knew about it. She told me they'd lock him up if I said anything to anyone and his life would be ruined. Meanwhile, it continued. I've removed her from my life. She's sub-human, on every level. Please use the correct language. It's not incest. It's sexual abuse. I am sorry he did this to you. Sending healing and love to you. ❤️✝️

[@melhoman8302]

Yep lots of women are unhappy in sexless marriages. Im tired of it only being portrayed one way around

[@aramisy.cajigas744]

Both feel miserable in sexless marriages.

[@blr141]

At least we know this isn't something that just men deal with.

[@jackdeniston59]

...and we are fedupwith women endlessly moaning. Grow up.

[@ladydatura2529]

​@@jackdeniston59wow you sound like such a kind person and partner

[@supernova11711]

@@jackdeniston59Sounds as though you could take your own advice.

[@nepatriots77]

These open conversations about sex is helping me understand the importance of it in a relationship. I was never abused but I grew up in a family where conversation about sex was taboo. My dad never had a talk with me about this growing up and this resulted in me viewing it as a shameful thing.

[@MaddieFishblob]

I’m 100% in the same boat! I even had to get the sex talk from a friend at school because my parents sure as hell were never gonna do it ☠️ It’s just confusing when u can’t ask ur parents abt any of it because u don’t know what they think the right time is and when it’s ok and when it’s not. Like I’m assuming they want me to wait till marriage but idk for sure 🤷‍♀️ :p

[@kellharris2491]

Same. This lead me to finding out on porn which only messed things up for me more...

[@purplelove3666]

No,in a marriage

[@acausevic1]

Not everyone likes sex as much as you think. Idk why you folks overlook that. Some folks don’t like certain foods while others love it. It’s not different with sex. Sex isn’t anything special where everyone loves it and if you think that you’ve watched too many movies.

[@dontforget3113]

@@acausevic1 Thank you. Finally!

[@eurekahope5310]

Rejection hurts. We all need to remember this. Wish her the best!

[@mariyaa111]

One of my best friends who I no longer speak to, was SA by her older brother, her parents did not do ANYTHING about it. She suffered for YEARS, started cheating in her husband due to lack of sex, and went from being an amazing mom and wife to a drug addicted, sex addicted woman who’s living with her “boyfriend,” at his mothers house, as a 40 year old woman!! Trauma is no joke!

[@shanecharles4589]

poor husband.

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

@@shanecharles4589 Yeah poor husband. Poor any spouse who gets cheated on. Nothing worse than that kind of betrayal. It's just an abstract thing that you know must be hard, but when it happens to you, then you really feel for them when you hear it.

[@shanecharles4589]

@@saintejeannedarc9460 right?

[@neechee5150]

@mariyaa111 said, "[She] started cheating [o]n her husband due to lack of sex" Not to diminish what your friend suffered but her husband not giving her sex is not why she went off the deep end and had extramarital affairs. She had the affairs because she wanted to do it period. No excuses. No externalization of blame. She had the affairs because she wanted to and was selfish.

[@sillycookie1982]

​@@neechee5150 victims of childhood abuse have sexual dysfunction. We know trauma remaps the brain. In some cases when mental health is involved he person is to be pitied. Of course everyone feels for the person being cheated on. I've had it happen often but I can have empathy for those who have problems. Can't tar everyone with the same brush

[@pattyajones]

Have ANY OF THE COMMENTORS EVER considered hubby was sexually abused??????????? This left issues which left a lifelong impact on him? THIS IS A HUGE problem for HIM (and now Shae)

[@Kortita]

I TOTALLY AGREE!!!!

[@ineedhoez]

Captain obvious.

[@farmermarshall]

Apparently, they haven't. He was sexually abused... possibly raped by his father. The little minds in the comments so far are sad & surprising. I'm wondering if these issues didn't show while they were dating or early in the marriage.

[@fauxbro1983]

At least he won't spread his weak genes

[@mv7374]

Johns comment section has been wack lately tbh

[@sakurisake4201]

That is disturbing and gross his father verbally and sexually abused his own son.

[@l-train7876]

Captain obvious has joined the chat

[@ImVeryBrad]

Keyboard warrior has joined the chat

[@susiesuh1418]

Or maybe he made that up to avoid sex with her. I bet he told her she’s the only one he’s confided this to so she’s unable to ask his siblings or his ex wife about it. She’s stuck unless she chooses to leave him. I say, leave.

[@Spiritbomb88]

​@@l-train7876 lmaoooo

[@saturdayschild8535]

@@susiesuh1418Agreed.

[@myyt3824]

I can’t imagine only seeing my husband 3-5 days a month. That alone is really hard. Add in sexual issues rooted in abuse and it’s exponentially worse.

[@stephaniezimmerman8669]

There are many marriages who only see each other a few days a month. Over the road truck drivers, pilots, ship captains and crews, some railroad employees. It takes work to make a marriage work, but it really teaches you how to love and appreciate every moment you and your spouse get to spend together.

[@aqua6613]

@Stephanie Zimmerman as a truck driver I approve this. If it's not fire when you get home to that person after that long then you've been doing it wrong. I pretty much have a list of stuff that needs to be done when together 😆. That tension build up can be crazy. Carefull with truckers tho...lots of them cheat. I was married to one. Not doing it again unless we team drive...you don't want something that penicillin can't cure.

[@supernova11711]

@@aqua6613I can see this. Hookers definitely hang out at truck stops and go knocking on all the windows. You have a man who’s been working for days non stop and hasn’t had sex for weeks and it’s a recipe for disaster. There’s a reason the prostitutes keep going back and there’s a reason everyone knows that that’s a place to find them.

[@corrieworou4813]

I couldn't do it. That's tough

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

@@corrieworou4813 No, most people couldn't do it. Marriage is not supposed to be this way. This woman is sacrificing herself in every way for this man. I get that she really loves him, but it's not much of a marriage for her.

[@jomay4871]

This caller connected the dots with this call. Just in awe of Dr John.

[@CarrascoWangler]

I went through a relationship where my boyfriend rarely wanted to have sex. I have a very high sex drive, so it was very frustrating for me. Several years later I found out that he’s gay. It explained a lot, but I still wished I had known it wasn’t me at the time.

[@samanthaweber-gn4ss]

I am in a similar situation but I don’t get the vibe of him being gay what other signs were there? I have sex many 2-3 times a months and it’s our first 8 months together

[@disco4535]

Umm, why are you doing that with a man that isnt your husband? What a sick, broken world we live in

[@StephInOttawa]

​@@disco4535You weren't alive when that didn't exist.. if it ever didn't exist.

[@MAR-bk7nn]

@@disco4535because other peoples lives arent anyones business

[@chandlerbing9333]

@disco4535 Oh please. Not everyone has your view point or religious beliefs. I don’t ever want to get married, so I’m not allowed to have sex my entire adult life? You sound ridiculous. Get over yourself and realize that there are so many people on this earth and they are not all going to feel the way you do.

[@ElenaSimeonova-qx9sr]

I thought my parents were the worst but to abuse sexually Your Own children is unimaginable 😢

[@patdaninger3644]

As

[@snowmiaow]

That happened to my friend in HS but I didn't know it at the time. Her mom thought it was normal. He siblings denied it.

[@kairinaminemix]

Nothing lonelier than being with someone you have no connection with

[@supernova11711]

It sounds like they have a connection for sure. They have love and good communication. There are different types of connections. I think connecting on an emotional level is more important and necessary to have before you’re able to connect sexually. So they have half of the equation, they just have to work on the rest. Show me a marriage that’s perfect. These two have a lot more than many.

[@videofan1010]

Nothing more lonely thank thinking the only way to feel connected to a person is sex 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@ashleygrant3131]

@@videofan1010I think you’re both right- both are lonely. Maybe combine both of y’all’s thoughts- nothing lonely than feeling so connected emotionally or personality or chemistry-wise with someone on one level, and wanting or needing the physical sexual component and without it, feeling so totally unconnected on another level 😢❤

[@Foxie770]

Connecting is not only via sex. Intellectual and love are connection too.

[@countcoupblessings979]

Thats a super valid concern wanting to know how not to trigger Him . Each survivor has a " just dont do this" list . She should ask . Often its not an act so much as a small detail - like dont whisper, or dont grab a their arms etc.

[@sl9690]

THIS^^^^ as a sexual abuse and rape survivor it’s important to really just have clear communication with someone before engaging in intimacy

[@mst-pierrem5729]

Girl you dont need his story... I have a husband who doesnt remember all of the s* abuse or who did it... He was too young. My trick with him and it works is litterally hugging naked or a lot of hugs and we talk about other things, because my situation was so bad he didnt want to be touch in some area while having sex.. He even had to have his therapist say it okay to give yourself the permission to fantasize about women without feeling guilty or disgusted about having those urges! Something just click and relieved him ! Often they dont voice so many thing because they are AFRAID ! That power of their body being their own has been taken away and society's taboo about how bad male sexual abuse is is also such weight on their shoulders. This Dr. Delony gives you awsome advice, but I would add dont give yourself the pressure that you have to compensate for what sex represent for him! I feel you - a wife of a survivor of sexual abuse. You'll get there in time!!

[@veronicav575]

Somebody pin this comment! She needs to hear this.

[@ashleygrant3131]

Another vastly underrated comment

[@djgonpet]

Thank you for sharing this

[@thomaswillard6267]

No lady, you didn't need your husband's story. You can't deny what her husband might need

[@missaliciaxxxx]

This is the best thing I have ever heard in my life. I’m literally welling up on public transportation because of her story is so relatable

[@kentcampbell122]

It was really impressive to see a councillor drill into this person with such precision!

[@mariamilusheva8579]

I don't know how you came to the idea to start a KZbin channel, but this is genius

[@nooraoraha9294]

She is such a strong woman. To be honest, and I am very selfish for this, I can't handle a person with a past like that. I just cant.

[@sharonamadi8656]

SAME!

[@myopiniongoodyouropinionbad]

If you can't you can't. Doesn't make you a bad person. I took on way more than I could handle with past relationships and it doesn't do either party any good in the long run. If you have the self awareness to know you can't handle it before hand that's great and you save yourself a lot of trouble.

[@g4uzy]

its better to acknowledge that when ur outside of it

[@DodgaOfficial]

I don't think anyone would blame you, but I'd encourage you to look at it less about having a past, and about having an unhealed past. Someone who has healed from it and has largely become a healthy functional person is going to have minimal issues, while someone who hasn't really healed from it much at all is going to have a host of issues. Sometimes a person who was damaged in the best could be the best partner you will ever find, they have so much love to give.

[@nooraoraha9294]

@@DodgaOfficial That is a fantastic take!!

[@ineszouabi201]

You can tell she is a smart lady. She will figure it out!

[@mariaarroyos2925]

Figure out what?

[@littleme3597]

@@Bigguy_33 She has known him since kindergarten. They were friends. Still friends. He is gay.

[@kathryna.loreto]

O man. She sounds like such a good woman. In her voice

[@vanessajanik4623]

Kudos to this caller for being brave & open. You can tell she loves her husband deeply & wants to work through their issues. She’s willing to humble herself & realize that she has hang ups that may be exacerbating the problem. That’s huge. Great advice from John. It’s so very nuanced. But he’s right modeling a healthy marriage is the best gift you can give to your kids. And absolutely do not push your spouse to give details of their past abuse. Just reassure them that you care & don’t wanna do anything to trigger uncomfortable feelings. The ball is in his court with that. Hope this lady realizes she’s worthy of genuine physical intimacy. And her husband doesn’t need her to be his mother.

[@DedeMattix]

Dr. John, bless you a hundred-fold for your patience and wisdom on this call. You touched way more lives than you think.

[@locarobles50]

Good for her 👏 just opening up like that is a brave thing to do. I hope all of this works out for both of them.

[@Lovebuzz11-11]

totally beautiful example of how our own unhealed wounds prevent us from experiencing a deeper love for each other!

[@sassy1799]

She's living my life from 30 years ago. I wish Dr. Delony then...or someone like him? I loved my husband dearly, but he shut down on me & shut me out. And no woman enjoys always having to be the initiator - just as I'm sure men enjoy not always having to be the initiator. I hope & pray that these two found a way to push thru this. My heart just aches for her.😢

[@anniegarnett]

As a newly married woman who struggles with the same thoughts, this episode helped me as well!

[@tacooflove6175]

I feel for this women, this is so heart breaking.

[@Keepinitreal55]

Same, although I can’t relate, can’t get my husband off me. But I can hear her pain and can see how any woman would feel so rejected in her place

[@robinjaime]

Dr. John!!! You have given me such a cathartic realization. This was truly beautiful. You have such a beautiful, soft & gentle way of ‘breaking the news’ to the caller. Thank you! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@paulam408]

Dr. John is amazing in navigating these tough questions & scenarios. I can learn a lot from others' struggles even when it doesn't apply to me. Bottom line, sexual abuse/physical or otherwise messes someone up for a lifetime. I even think that therapy cannot totally get rid of the deep wounds inflicted by others as a child. It is a very hard road to go with that kind of past.

[@supernova11711]

Therapy doesn’t get rid of anything. It gives people coping mechanisms and strategies to process and divert your thoughts but nothing can take something like that away. It can help but it’s a LOT of work also.

[@katella]

Please don't push forward the idea that those of us who were used as a sexual device by our narcissistic parents are damaged goods best left alone. How cruel are you? We deserve love, loving touch, orgasm like every other human being.

[@mirabella2154]

After telling the background of her husband's life and herself, I can understand why sex is the last thing on his mind....

[@gabrielamartiniuc6322]

It’s not the last thing in his mind . You missed the entire message …😊

[@mirabella2154]

@@gabrielamartiniuc6322 Apparently you're the one missing a lot ...

[@gabrielamartiniuc6322]

@@mirabella2154 they had hot sex when they first met. Explain that….

[@gabrielamartiniuc6322]

@@mirabella2154 Also, when he motions for sex she starts yo accuse him in her mind that he really doesn’t want it. She’s the problem, not his abuse from childhood. We can’t stay victims our entire lives. If his childhood was truly the issue then he has failed to get help and he’s responsible to GET help!!! Or stay SINGLE!!

[@mirabella2154]

@@gabrielamartiniuc6322 Apart from the fact that you are contradicting yourself, it seems you are projecting. Maybe you should get help yourself before suggesting others to get it.

[@rachelgee7894]

I have a girl friend who is the higher desire partner because her husband was falsely accused of rape in high school and struggles because of that. It's a huge problem when abuse has an effect.

[@gabrielamartiniuc6322]

So stay a victim his whole life ? Unbelievable!

[@jones2277]

he needs therapy or he'll drive his wife away.

[@rachelgee7894]

@@gabrielamartiniuc6322 did I say to stay a victim? I said it causes problems is all. It's valid to have reprocussions from abuse.

[@violetl.4615]

@@gabrielamartiniuc6322 it is very difficult to work through that stuff on your own without professional help And not every one can afford professional help

[@gabrielamartiniuc6322]

@@rachelgee7894 it’s causing problems because he isn’t getting help . So she will have to suffer . He is putting her through that… what a great guy.

[@nleem3361]

Loved the end of the call where Dr John reminded her she is worth being loved. I was a parent to my mom too. And, molested by a teenage babysitter and hid it to keep from hurting my mom... it's been a wild ride. I'm single and dating in my 40's. It's hard. I keep wanting to latch onto people who can't really be there for me... I'm glad I have good friends to help me analyze and stop wasting time in unfulfilling relationships. I do love the envelope idea. I hope they try it.

[@kellharris2491]

You should try therapy. That sounds hard.

[@supernova11711]

There’s another side to that coin you haven’t even discovered yet. So we go for people that can’t or won’t love us back because that’s what we’ve learned love is. But once you DO find someone that DOES…you struggle to stay interested! We’re trained to always be chasing something we can’t have but then when we get it, it looses its shine and we have no idea what to even do with it anymore. I’m telling you this because it’s good to be aware of it. All relationships have ebb and flow but you’re probably going to experience this at some point. Pick a good one, make a commitment and stick it out. You’ll figure it out. I’m married now to a wonderful man who I very much love but I had to push through that phase. I recognized it for what it was and refused to let my trauma continue running my life. Best wishes to you.

[@millsykooksy4863]

God this is so incredibly sad. I feel for her and her hubby.

[@kyrieteleison3009]

This is a complex issue. I appreciate Dr. John's advice!!

[@amythinks]

John gets the crown for king of analogies.

[@ceradaddygibson]

My heart is screaming for this women. She loves her husband so much and she feels so much free and shame. I am rooting for her. She can turn this around ❤

[@littleme3597]

No she can't. It is all him. Gay.

[@trentonwilson4885]

Wait, you're the tape measure girl. This is like running into a teacher at Walmart 😂

[@Mila808g]

"Everything makes me awkward!" *awkward clap / hand drop* ... Yeaaah, yeah okay buddy I see it now. You're not wrong 🤣

[@actiondefence]

Wow, Dr John you absolutely nailed it here. Was fascinating and fantastic to actually witness this breakthrough as you helped this woman achieve it.

[@thebullgator]

Child centered parenting is often an excuse to avoid facing relationship challenges. Regardless of that successful healthy marriages always provide the foundation for healthy successful kids. Focus on God, marriage and kids in that order and everything will work better.

[@ElimEx1]

It's normal. Your kids come first. The only challenge is that it leads to grey divorces because by the time the kids leave the nest, couples have grown apart and it's often not worth reconnecting but a lot easier to start over with zero baggage, zero resentment, etc

[@marilyntill9507]

We are MOMMY! in the end!😂

[@katarina6724]

I wish we could get an update on this 8 months later lol. I'm so curious, considering the amount of people in sexless marriages.

[@RachelReaiah]

Sexual abuse takes away that choice from the survivor. For us, the act is an ugly thing especially when your touching areas that our abuser touched. Intimacy is difficult for me because I cannot orgasm, sometimes disdain physical touch or displays of affection. That was affecting relationships so I had to choose to be single the past 6 years, no contact, so I can heal. As much as I now desire that companionship/human connection, I dread that if I do find a guy, I may not respond to him. I explained to my daughter last year what happened to me because she's a very affectionate child and couldnt understand why I couldnt hug her and show her that affection. Now, we have worked on it and we're better, she doesn't just touch me, she asks "mommy is it ok for me to have a hug or can I lay next to you?" Sometimes I say yes immediately and sometimes I tell her give me a second just to mentally prepare myself to be touched. Touches make my skin crawl. Something was taken from me at age 6, and that is a pain at 37 I still fight when the memories come but I've learnt to be present with it and cry for that child.

[@jones2277]

how were you able to have a child?

[@RachelReaiah]

@@jones2277 because I was labeled as "weird" as a child I never had a consensual act until 19, tried to act normal and I had to force myself to just do it. I took my daughter's father to counseling with me so my therapist could explain to him certain things, when I opened up and explained to him that my skin literally crawls sometimes when he touches me, he got mad and wouldn't go back to the sessions. The attempt was for him to understand what I was dealing with but I think it was too much for him.

[@jones2277]

@@RachelReaiah it's really messed up that he didn't stick by you.

[@RachelReaiah]

@@jones2277 I can own my part in the demise of the relationship. Going through that healing phase brought out a lot of anger and resentment that he wasn't responsible for and it was just not good. Facing trauma and healing is hard

[@GUITARTIME2024]

Raquel, you need to get serious help. I'm very concerned about your child's mental health when she has to ask for a hug abd she sees you clench up. Your problem sounds much bigger than you can handle alone. I hope she has regular contact with her father.

[@iTzBigbink]

She's been rejected. If not in actuality in her mind, I can relate to this (as a man). You want to believe it's a natural occurrence when/if your less initiating spouse starts it up. But, if you've argued or had issues about it you may go along with it but you'll have a thought of "is this genuine or pity" in the back of your mind.

[@supernova11711]

From the other perspective please know that a lot can go into this. Your wife can love you and be attracted to you while still struggling with sex. Our hormones really screw with us. They are constantly changing throughout the month then slap children and menopause into the mix and…it’s a roller coaster! Your side is difficult for SURE but so is it difficult for us to live with or try to explain to our husbands. Then, on top of that, there’s almost always one partner with a higher sex drive (man or woman). What that means (in a way most people don’t think about it) is that that person will always “build up faster”. For me, I try my best to satisfy my husband but it’s hard for him when I don’t have the same passion in the bedroom. The problem is that, in order for me to get there, we’d have to have less sex…which he doesn’t want either lol! It’s not as though I don’t enjoy it or enjoy expressing that intimacy with my husband, it’s just that I’m never at the point that I “need it” because his drive is higher. So it always takes me a bit longer to get into it. I don’t throw myself at him but do try to initiate sometimes because I do want him to feel desirable. This is just one perspective though and every relationship is different. I just wrote all of that in the off chance it might help you in some small way. It’s not always because the person doesn’t love you or find you attractive and desirable. It isn’t pity. I don’t “pity” my husband, not at all. I want to satisfy him because I love him. I understand that we’re different and want for us both to be happy in the relationship. You telling yourself that is your own inner dialogue and it’s not helping you and very likely not what your partner is feeling at all. Be kinder to yourself maybe? She’s with you for a reason.

[@Yuv3892]

​@@supernova11711That's a very mature take on this! Even though you and your husband don't have equal sex drive, he is lucky to have you.

[@filipefigueiredo9847]

​@@supernova11711 most rational and reasonable comment I've read in this channel so far Hope both you and your husband are going strong

[@theprodigalson4003]

Literally. My ex only ever initated a handful of times. Pretty sure the pill is the only reason she ever expressed she loved me

[@littleme3597]

@@theprodigalson4003 So, another gay person. Lesbian? I noticed, EX. I am almost 80. I learned a lot the hard way. Therapists can't help. I am a woman.

[@mary_syl]

Where there's a will, there's a way. Where there's genuine mutual love, you will find the way.

[@kitkat3155]

Coming from someone who didn’t have a mother figure, it’s very hard to embrace your femininity when you don’t have that. Especially during puberty. I could relate to her feeling like a man, she was basically only raised by her father. ❤

[@monkeybanana9269]

He must be a terrific father if she grew up thinking her childhood was great.

[@katella]

​@@monkeybanana9269or this is the story that was to presented to the public. The mask

[@brightpage1020]

Whaaaoohow - Deloney - playing the long game of patience for the win 🥇 🏆 here. Way to find the stud before you hit the nail. Nice work.

[@tinam761]

PLANNING INTIMACY…. Let me tell you… it is a fire 🔥 builder!!! People that complain about it … need to practice more. It’s incredibly desire building, to discuss… and plan … and get excited that THE moment is going to happen soon! If you have trouble with putting on the calendar because “it’s boring” … work a little bit more on your creativity… boring people are boring… if you don’t know what to do … learn … you can learn a lot just by calling or texting about the upcoming time. I’m constantly wondering why anyone says planning is boring… you’re building a 🔥 fire and dang it can be unbelievably hot! I’m almost 54. I’ve been through a thing or two … plan intimacy… when your friends say it’s boring… tell them “what?!?!!! “ because you are creative enough… and can live in the excitement of planning before it happens… and when it happens… may not go as planned! And sometimes for the better!!! It’s an opening for creativity… people who only go on spontaneity… are at the core … Not that spontaneous… Much love … plan it with your partner… your relationship deserves it and so do you! ❤

[@TheCoachmy]

Spot ON John !!!! You catch her hiccups so quick. Love your shows❤

[@kellyo.1617]

I, too, was a "my childhood was perfect" person😅 that glass shattered HARD.

[@buttcheeksmcgee4272]

My heart goes out to this couple. Is there any way you guys can talk about counseling and then coming back and discussing physically loving each other. This is gonna be hard...... But I'm rooting for you both though .

[@lukebarrett2317]

there are prayers for fixing divorce and brokenness marriages. Although me and my wife are now back together and our love is even stronger but I was a total mess when she first dumped me.

[@Cesar-pq2ck]

Great job, Delony!! The call was about the husband but you turned it around and found the problem!

[@kayjeffs3741]

Its terrible....but there is a possibility that her husband is struggling with his sexuality...caused by the abuse

[@JeanValjean875]

My question is how did this issue not come up before they got married?

[@kaysense6136]

Exactly

[@floresmusic2]

Probably because statistically people who have gone through this level of trauma rarely talk about it due to shame, fear, remorse, contempt, and so much more. Sometimes they will never talk about it and sometimes they’ll open up about it much later in life when they realize they can’t keep it in anymore.

[@rushiasingsfasola]

Because a lot of the folks who are teaching Bible say that you should NOT have sex before marriage (so it's a little harder to predict the ins and outs afterwards) BUT ALSO teach that good sex is the reward of being abstinent. Marriage fixes worries about sex! Totally not real, but that's what they have been sellin' for a while

[@Amaryllis-4U]

@@floresmusic2especially if it’s a male that experienced the trauma. Men are taught to be tough and not be emotional. Women are allowed to be vulnerable and cry if they need to. Because of this, women likely have an easier time opening up about such trauma than men do.

[@hllymchll]

he asked if it was always this way and she said no. you may have missed that. it only changed once he opened up to her more. plus older people who get married after middle age usually don't wait very long to marry after dating so it could've been only a few months in that this changed

[@debramason7237]

. A strong marriage is the foundation of the family. Also, is it possible he has a sex or porn addiction where he is gratifying himself outside the marriage? This can be a problem for sex abuse survivors. Sex/porn addicts are very good at keeping it secret and gaslighting. The spouse often feels unattractive, and they can't put the finger on it or understand what changed. They thought things were perfect, and now this. Also, that may be the very reason he moved away-he can act out with much less chance of being caught AND he doesn't have to "talk about the issues" if he's not there. I just think there is something more going on here, and I think you do, too. Find out now.

[@michaelcoletta4547]

It's def possible... but I dunno his wife Shae does seem to genuinely love him very much, she is begging for sex don't know many men that would rather masturbate when they have a woman that is so into them. Porn addiction is a monster though, and it can be easy to hide.

[@Zybewinzit]

What a thoughtful and smart girl. I have one of those and she has helped me through countless things, so I believe you can do it.

[@elyse443]

I feel bad for her. I’m hoping they can resolve this and their marriage can be great in that department.

[@JustActNormal]

I think some men suffer from low T and never adress it or think about it. In my late 30s women have hire sex drive while men slow down

[@BR-it2qe]

Low T is way less prevalent than people believe. The nonsense is mostly pushed by people who want to sell some product to men. Its about 2% of men under 50, and 5% of all men. So youd have to be really unlucky to be one of the 1 in 50 younger men

[@user-uc5sn4tp3f]

After their mid 20's, men's Testosterone levels drop 2% a year . Plus other complicating health issues of blood pressure , heart issues , circulation issues , enlarged prostrate , etc increase with age . Yes , women do maintain peak levels +/- 10 years longer, but then the drop off is steeper . Implied from the ages of the children, the caller would be at least mid 40's , and he's at least the same .

[@xdxdxdxd4575]

Hmmm ... My husband is 45, I am 42. He wants it once a month or less, and I want it 3-4 times/day... We checked the T level, and it is in the normal range, a bit of average. No kiss, no hugs, no intimacy at all...

[@Gentilejedi]

@@xdxdxdxd4575 sounds like an attraction issue. When a partner is not attracted, they lose sexual attraction and don’t want physical contact. Maybe they have attraction to someone else.

[@dirtyace1668]

​​@@Gentilejediit's not necessarily an issue of attraction and I'm speaking from personal experience. I was also in a situation with my ex wife where over time I simply lost more and more desire to have s*x with her. I also got myself tested for lower testosterone levels but they were within normal range for my age, which is early 40's. However, there was also an ever growing level of stress and anxiety for me due to our living situation and lifestyle, something that simply didn't sit well with me. My stress and anxiety for worse and worse over time and it coincided with me wanting s*x less and less. This eventually led to divorce, however, my libido has completely bounced back since, and it's mainly due to essentially being back in my element in terms of what makes me function the best, as a person. I need lots of exercise and live in conditions that resonate with me. This is exactly what I'm doing now and it honestly makes me feel as if I have been almost reborn. But going back to my ex wife. I never thought of her as less attractive in any way but it's different to actually having a desire to engage in s*x.

[@lisalaude4431]

WOW!!! Great call!!! Some pretty serious layers pulled back during that call revealing the root of the problem. Nice job to John and Shay! Amazing

[@KittyClark4433]

My heart aches for them both. Both need self compassion, compassion for each other & help. Way easier said than done I know.

[@ts8024]

Dr. John did a great job of advising this woman, and she did a great job of articulating her concerns and digesting John's feedback. This was a very productive call, and I hope that translates to her relationship and sex life with her husband.

[@Ali-sm2wg]

I love the way she talks. Less about feelings and vague details and more about facts, no beating around the bush, just accurate, concise information delivered effectively and as direct as possible. Truly refreshing.

[@danilaroche1156]

She's really hurting. I feel for her. I really think this is an attack from the enemy, the devil. She's devastated because she loves him. She's devastated because it's triggering old childhood wounds.

[@demgphix]

Its wild that I can actually relate to this experience. When I found out my ex (in relationship at that time) had childhood trauma, I felt the need to distance myself from her for a time (physicaly, not emotionall). I actually felt guilty seeing her in a sexual way given what she had gone through. I don't think its bad to be empathetic towards your partner, but we still have to listen to how they actually feel, rather than trying to read more into it.

[@Nson-ro]

What a great clip. So much personality and connection here

[@stevenphillippe81]

I can’t speak on the sexual abuse part so excluding that part, as the man in the relationship if you know your wife has high desire for sex, you have to go out of your way as the man to go get help from a professional that gets you all the help you need in order to mentally and physically have great sex. Just that simple, most men who have bad sex never go out of there way to figure out how to get better. You got to make the effort to go get help. Don’t be that guy who just sits there an accepts it. I don’t tolerate bad sex on my part. I always make sure I’m prepared mentally and physically to make sure I’m performing at the highest level. But again can’t speak on the abuse side of things because I’ve never experienced something like that.

[@michaelcoletta4547]

Nicely put

[@johneng8060]

🎉

[@lindajackson2382]

Why hasn't your husband & his siblings ever had COUNSELING for the sexual molestation that happened to them?????? Did they go to the police to charge and prosecute their monster father?

[@nicvic1717]

This call really resonated with me. Many similarities. Perhaps that’s why God only gave us sons and no daughters, even though I desperately wanted at least one daughter. 13 years with my husband and 8 years into marriage, and I’ve come to the conclusion that 1) men don’t change, so don’t even try, and 2) marriage without satisfying sex is actually the norm. I too wanted a fantastic sex life in my marriage, but I’m coming to the realization that some marriages just never have that. Still, for me, I honor my marriage vows and don’t think sex is worth divorcing over. “For better or for worse”… this is the “worse”.

[@hanyuuchama93]

Don't know if you want suggestions. If not, please ignore me. But I would really recommend listening to the Bare Marriage podcast if you haven't already. It's a Christian marriage and sex podcast that changed my life. It breaks down so many things that I'd never thought about how men and women are taught about sex.

[@nicvic1717]

@@hanyuuchama93 thanks. I know all about Sheila. Her platform helped me a lot when we were going through some of our worst struggles several years ago (though I really don’t agree with the tone her platform has taken in recent years. Very divisive and argumentative imo). The issues we have are gridlock issues unfortunately. I think I’m finally at a place of acceptance on that. It took me 8 years to stop fighting it/stop trying to change him and help him improve; self-improvement needs to come from within, not from a spouse.

[@jacada4891]

Get out!! U should have long long ago. This is it babe. Go be happy with a man that desires you as well as loves you

[@rachelgooden9981]

@@nicvic1717 but you deserve to be happy ☹️

[@nicvic1717]

@@rachelgooden9981 Do I? Is being happy what marriage is all about? In my experience, it’s not. I honestly don’t think I’d find another man out there who’d make me “happier”. Sure, I may be more physically attracted to him and sure he might pay more attention to me. But like my current marriage, his attitude towards me would eventually change too. All relationships do. I’m not going to break my family up and leave a decent-enough husband over the possibility that there’s someone else out there who’s better for me. “The grass is greener where it’s watered” is a true statement. Unfortunately, that phrase doesn’t convey how both spouses need to work on “watering” their “lawn”. If one spouse is slacking, I honestly don’t believe that’s reason enough for the other spouse to get up and leave. I believe that’s where - in a Christian marriage - the spouse relentlessly lifts up their spouse in prayer, while simultaneously trying to create a life and an identity for themselves separate from their spouse. That’s what I’m working on currently.

[@karolkozak64]

What an awesome courageous caring woman. She's truly a blessing to him.

[@1lespaulfreak]

Her husband is an avoidant, and she was drawn to his avoiding because she is the rescuing-mother role. Avoidants are great servants, horrible husbands/wives. The closer he gets to someone, the more likely he’ll get betrayed & deeply hurt again. He avoids so he doesn’t get hurt. She sees a hurt boy inside the body of a man, and wants to rescue him, he accepts the help, but refuses to give the deepest part of himself, which is why she wants to rescue him.

[@coconutwater4531]

Given this information , how on earth do avoidants even wind up in marriages??

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

@@coconutwater4531 Because they want to be chased.

[@staleydu1]

I’m an avoidant. I have learned and still learn everyday to be present, intentional available. Quite frankly, your stereotypes suck.

[@sabrinafrederick4141]

I’m an incest survivor and after many years of therapy, it is a lifelong struggle. This poor guy needs correct therapy for this type of abuse.

[@mooneyes2833]

My go to coping is avoiding...agoraphobia bring my biggest issue, I am not a horrible wife or mother... I am also no servant...😒

[@gabzsy4924]

This episode and call was kind of poetic. Amazing.

[@jboughtin7522]

I get the feeling there is whole additional aspect to their relationship that we are not hearing about here. The fact that he only visits her 4-5 days out of a month and has no sexual interest in her is a massive red flag.

[@littleme3597]

Yes. Gay. I learned the hard way. lol

[@debralondon2402]

Yes

[@audreym3777]

As someone who wasted 9 years with someone who had ZERO interest in sex, or even physical touch, it’s effin HELL and kills your confidence as a woman. That’s what she called about..and half way in to this it hasn’t been addressed. Geeesh..:

[@clovemartin]

She's in denial. He is not attracted to her.

[@floresmusic2]

I see your point about how this can affect the confidence level. However, I will say that there is simply too much that could be covered here that would not fit within 27 minutes. This requires some continual counseling.

[@chris-gx7rs]

When men want sex you women complain

[@KikiNation1]

Happens to men too. My marriage is proof of that.

[@littleme3597]

Audrey; He is gay. We had therapy, single, together, exercises, bla bla. Tapes to listen to, mantras to say. EXHAUSTING.

[@fh1980ram]

It's important to talk about these issues before making a lifelong commitment.

[@floresmusic2]

That is true when it is possible but often it is not. Many victims of trauma. Keep this kind of stuff, bottled inside out of fear, shame, remorse, and so much more. Sometimes their aim is to simply push through their life without having to deal with it ever again, but rarely, is this the case. This honestly mainly requires trauma therapy not just simply confiding in one another

[@coureenlawrence4915]

Obviously, the problem is her. He was married before an d had 3 children. She had issues from her mother running off with dad best friend. They both needs serious therapy.

[@littleme3597]

@@coureenlawrence4915 Ha ha. The problem is him. Gay. gay have children too.

[@coureenlawrence4915]

​@@littleme3597that never crossed my mind, but anything is possible these days.

[@alluringbliss4165]

I have the same issue and decided to stay single because it’s extremely frustrating

[@danilaroche1156]

Noone ever said life wouldn't be difficult. Even Jesus said we'd have tribulations. What if the Lord wants you to marry? You going to say no because of old trauma? Jesus is called the Mighty Counselor. The Great Physician.

[@Gabster1990]

Please see a qualified therapist or sex therapist.

[@alxh3727]

I'm a woman in a very similar situation (minus the SA). The anxiety, the self doubt, the slow destruction of confidence on my side, feeling like a gross man... oof

[@shawnaaustin3396]

He is a porn addict, full stop. I’ve seen it a million times. He prefers porn and masterbation to sex with a human.

[@littleme3597]

I did it for 5 years. He is gay.

[@christinamartinez8132]

I hope Shae calls back so we can hear our their relationship is going. I pray he can work through his abuse and heal. ❤🙏🕊️

[@justinhankins7253]

Never felt safety in his body..... Wow that hits home

[@shinesobrightforever4863]

I’m so sorry Justin that you can relate to that. I feel the same way sometimes

[@user-si4kn9gz4o]

he is broken and he haven't heal from his past.... sad but serious ....... I pray that God give her ..... her desire.

[@pamforrester844]

Ok, my pet peeve, this is one very smart, diverse, thoughtful community, why do some people today say " women" which is plural when talking about a single female " woman? Ive been hearing and seeing this alot, anyway, best wishes to her and stay strong

[@katella]

Having trouble with empathy Pam?

[@pamforrester844]

@@katella thank you so much for replying, I can certainly understand not being a word slave but the older I get the more words mean, I always find it odd mostly people get man is single and men are plural but don't get that woman is single and women is plural, seems almost dismissive. I have dedicated my life's work to the service of others and I ask the universe to allow me to continue as I believe we must do better for a world we must all live in. Again, best wishes and thank you for taking time to reply

[@starlingswallow]

Wow. What an amazing call.❤

[@lisamccall4960]

Shae... it's never going to be normal... ever. You have to decide if you can live with it as-is. I've experienced the same for 10 years.... and then found out he was also cheating on me with men our entire marriage. I am now divorced 4 years... and I no longer ever want to get remarried because I don't want to have to deal with anyone else's broken places ever again. If you don't think this will affect YOU long-term in the future... you are fooling yourself.

[@ThingsILove2266]

I think we found the hidden problem- other men?

[@danilaroche1156]

My feeling is he's cheating .

[@jennifervandenberg2455]

Do you think your ex was using you to cover up being gay? How was the other parts of your marriage?

[@shalalala868]

Yup! Same; both his besties that he spent a lot of time with struggled with their sexuality; one never even had a gf despite being close to 50. Treated me like an enemy and would call our pastor up and lie and say we were fornicating when we were courting...if we had fornicated, I would have never married him bc he was terrible in the sack and never cared to improve. It was hell and I'd constantly get BV and we would go months and months without sex and he'd find the smallest excuses to wiggle his way out of it. Hid so many things from me like medical conditions. He was also a covert narc and the abuse eventually became physical so I dipped.

[@Jimjam482]

@@shalalala868 your body was rejecting his bad juju no wonder you were getting BV bad alignment plus don’t let jizz it’s bad for the Fefe any Dr will tell you that

[@zitroanor]

I'm curious how the first wife handled this 🤔 this isn't his first rodeo.

[@Reshme77]

That's probably why she is an X for a reaso

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

It ended for a reason.

[@rachelgooden9981]

I wondered same

[@mattzetts6501]

probably handled it with a divorce

[@bettersecret1499]

Listen they had three kids and I doubt they did it on the first try so I am pretty sure the problem is more in her mind than his

[@dm_uncut]

This call really got to me. I relate to her so much. Thanks

[@Elizabeth-dw6lc]

@DMUnCut...me too.

[@ciggytwiggy]

Me too 🫂

[@boaa588]

That dude is going to have the ride of his life after this phone call😂

[@javireyes7333]

Best video of the series in my opinion. I am doing a PhD on history of incest in france (20th century) and lately came across those issues in my personal life. I relate so much to this woman. And I love John’s tips and his joke 😂

[@sarahpleasant-nowowiejski5971]

This call is waterworks 😭😭😭

[@danilaroche1156]

You have the compassion of a NY city cockroach.

[@ihateutube1143]

If it was hot at the beginning,it's not his abusive past

[@Elizabeth-dw6lc]

@ihateutube1143...yes it is. You clearly don't know anyone who has been sexually abused. It's the routine of a sexual relationship that starts to bother you.

[@AnnaNicoleVinopal]

Once I learned I could say no to my husband without consequences, I started saying no and our sex life declined dramatically. It was hot to him because he didn't know I didn't feel like I could get out of it. Once he learned I felt like I had to, he didn't want it as much. It was three years in and now we are stuck with a very low sex life. It sucks but it didn't happen right away.

[@its_me_luv6941]

If u listened it’s bc of his past. She started changing slowly after realising his past that then affected him.

[@Lily993]

This session has been SO enlightening. It helped me so much. Thank you.

[@swackhammer2139]

13:20 man my heart shatters for that woman, such a sad feeling and her voice

[@virginiagomez8882]

I love this call soo much!! The envelope thing is fantastic idea!

[@lademoiselleketoret6958]

Oh my gosh. I pray totally healing for this couple at the root. Jesus help. 😭♥🙏🏽

[@danielhausbeck9976]

She’s trying to negotiate on Genuine Desire. That’s not going to happen. The marriage is dead in the water.

[@countcoupblessings979]

She could definitely be reacting to his heightened unspoken issue. Many a woman feels & reacts to, or from the emotional upset of the partner , wether they know it or not.

[@ThingsILove2266]

Oh my goodness if someone proposed that spreadsheet I don’t know if I could be attracted again.

[@Joel-pg4yi]

Same except it didn't end there. Followed by the bullying for years until my adult life. So yeah I'm alone forever. Thanks life.

[@deeslim2]

Praying for you

[@eraldadevole]

Its going to be ok. Just focus on yourself and loving yourself. Always do something a hobby whatever that you love and find joy from.

[@TheCarlinCoop]

This was hands down the best show of his I’ve ever seen! Tho I cannot relate to this woman how this entire call transpired was just golden and beautiful

[@andreawannop8670]

Sorry...sometimes we are too generous....trying to "save" and feel sorry for a "victim" and putting all our energy into others, completely neglecting our own needs. This woman is in pain and making excuses. This is a dysfunctional marriage given that they live apart and have always had sexual issues. I do not believe this is a "happy"marriage except for the sex. She has wishful thinking of a happy marriage with an emotionally dysfunctional partner. I have lived in a sexless marriage and the amount of pain and lack of confidence it caused me cannot be explained. Start to see the toxicity in this relationship and start to think of your own needs, not his,despite his childhood abuse. It's not your job to save him

[@vaska1999]

They had no sexual issues in the beginning. He's there only 4-5 days a month and isn't interested. I think he may be cheating.