Join America’s Finest Membership

[@carterdelaney4648]

Thank god, I thought all my failures were my fault, but it turns out it was paper all along

[@NotSoMuchFrankly]

I'm glad we've gone back to burning books!

[@NJ-wb1cz]

​@@NotSoMuchFrankly we gotta print them first

[@2ndfloorsongs]

​@@NotSoMuchFranklyCDs, flashcards, computers... all stink of burning plastic, of corruption, and defeat. Ah, the honest smell of wood pulp again again; of living things, ground up and crushed in the pursuit of progress. A beacon of knowledge, a bright bonfire of burning books, it's the smell, the smell of victory.

[@NotSoMuchFrankly]

@@2ndfloorsongs _of living things, ground up and crushed in the pursuit of progress._ Like our dreams😃

[@lukesayers5850]

Think paper is big. Wait till they find out about "God".

[@FanOfMostEverything]

Finally, trustworthy journalism returns to print.

[@ryanh3176]

Paper. That’s how my wife divorced me. It all makes sense now.

[@aceman0000099]

You were her rock.... I guess you just didn't make the cut

[@admiralstiffplank]

​@@aceman0000099LMAO

[@freedomfalcon]

I remember when these were on college campuses. What a time to be alive.

[@gerharddamm5933]

Fr

[@TheRealBibwitHarte]

what a time to be aliiiiiveeee

[@applecake2209]

Real?????

[@edmiller8370]

And in newspaper stands on street corners.

[@2ndfloorsongs]

And folded, and rolled; the vessels of the magic leaves and powder of experience.

[@heck2465]

Rock has been real quiet since this dropped... 👀

[@earthlingjohn]

Scissors be laughing

[@CapablePimento]

Funniest comment yet! Best 2 outa 3?

[@n.park1]

cringe

[@jrdarby]

Just signed up for delivery of a newsPAPER for the first time in forever.

[@michaelwesterland1853]

Me too. Will it really arrive, carried by a "mailman"? I'm excited!

[@michaelwesterland1853]

Yes, got my first copy the other day! Hallelujah! 😃

[@petertilly9401]

I’ve always said it. The onion is the most future focused company we’ve seen in a long time.

[@tred8571]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/nGLUnWOhe7aVnMUsi=ytVTjqv4TnvVpwmx

[@2ndfloorsongs]

Transcending the plastic of computers, leading us into the renewable future of trees; living things crushed for progress, in the service of two-bit humor.

[@aaronnowack3637]

No kidding, from 2012. "After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016"

[@Tao_Tology]

Paper? It'll never catch on.

[@gus473]

🔥 🤔🤷

[@justineberlein5916]

@@Tao_Tology Now, scissors. There's a technology that's going places

[@aceman0000099]

​@@justineberlein5916pfft stone could beat it

[@Tao_Tology]

@@justineberlein5916 They really are the future.

[@just_kos99]

My Comp Sci prof in 1996 said that the world may be shooting for going paperless, but people like that warm fuzzy of having paper in their fingers. Now the Onion has come to the rescue -- thank you! Will be signing up ASAP!

[@aceman0000099]

That warm fuzzy feeling of microscopic splinters..

[@2ndfloorsongs]

​@@aceman0000099The warm, fuzzy warmth of pulp as it burns.

[@Palmit_]

I invested heavily in reused toilet paper. BIG Mistake. It Turns out that _'Reused'_ and *_'Recycled'_* are NOT the same type of investment ...meh.

[@bubzilla6137]

Lol! 🤣😂🤣😂 Ewww, but also that's hilarious! Well done! 🙂🙂🙂

[@ajstevens1652]

Same. People were telling me it's a "s**t investment." I said, "no, it's an investment in s**t."

[@progidy7]

Exemplary use of stock footage. Bravo.

[@micmacha]

But you can see it on stock paper now. Go big.

[@justineberlein5916]

So glad to hear that we're getting a trustworthy news source in this country again!

[@CitrusOrange]

I’ve always wanted to read paper.

[@DoctorPortal_IX]

My family got membership for The Onion print edition and now we live in the back of a boxtruck half submerged in the Red River bordering Oklahoma and Texas. _Amazing_ value!

[@F0rtysxity]

I just shat myself in excitement.

[@benoithudson7235]

Paper can help you with that.

[@Peeps40836]

We really are living in the best timeline. I’ll be subscribing immediately.

[@robguttridge6591]

Anyone else remember onionskin? It was a very high quality printing & writing paper, back when folks wrote with fountain pens. Thin and tough, commonly used for bibles.

[@2ndfloorsongs]

And light enough to be carried across the seas, by the flying machines of knowledge.

[@nathanmcgill7249]

The Onion will be missing a trick if it doesn't get printed on onionskin

[@oltedders]

And ass wiping in a pinch.

[@captaincaption]

​@@nathanmcgill7249 hope it does

[@user-em6ie2be7x]

Paper...If Trees could give the finger. 🌴🌳🌲🌱

[@dykoyaa3937]

0:30 nailed it

[@MalachiBurke]

As a fishmonger, I rejoice knowing my customers will taste the sarcasm retained fresh and delicious in fish wrapped with this

[@CapablePimento]

Never read a sentence that started ‘as a fishmonger’ before. But im going to use that from now on

[@Pixeltoaster-TV]

Thank goodness the one reliable news source in modern america is back in print.

[@sirshauniv511]

At long last, a return to the golden age.

[@DinoDiniProductions]

The future of paper, yesterday!

[@thesevenmemer3208]

Paper killed my Wife and Three kids with a Honda Civic and then punched me in the face

[@gus473]

It's the thought that counts, right? Right?

[@ajstevens1652]

Thank God it didn't use a Camry, that woulda been devastating.

[@CapablePimento]

Sorry for your loss. At least they werent chopped up pressed flat and written upon. Or were they?🤔

[@thesevenmemer3208]

@@CapablePimento they also got Testicular cancer right before they passed away, even my wife 😞

[@tadaog]

I am finally part of an elite society.

[@jsalsman]

Thank goodness, my coffee table has been empty since 2015.

[@NJ-wb1cz]

Have you trird putting coffee on it?

[@2ndfloorsongs]

​@@NJ-wb1czNot the same, it just runs off.

[@NJ-wb1cz]

@@2ndfloorsongs you just have to train your coffee table properly or buy one that was trained for you. A well behaved coffee table is an excellent obedient helper and companion

[@2ndfloorsongs]

It was trained and obedient, then the damn cats started sleeping on it.

[@silliest_gooose]

Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper

[@gargoylelamp39]

Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper Paper

[@handlemonium]

The Onion The Onion The Onion The Bunion The Bunion The Bunion The Funion The Funion The Funion The Punion The Punion The Punion The Reunion The Reunion The Reunion

[@no_im_dirtydan]

The paper is his ground!

[@CrazyBrick30]

The way of the future. The way of the future. The way of the future. The way of the future.

[@TylerBaraby]

Paper?

[@ClackerJack]

I guess the printed edition of The Onion I bought on eBay last year will no longer be the final printed edition.

[@NJ-wb1cz]

Amazing idea! Sound like doordash, but for news!

[@momon969]

Paper. Reliable, durable, nutritious and arousing. The second best wood pulp derivative after pop tarts.

[@jakefromspace4659]

If this had premiered during the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020 I would buy!

[@MilesSaunders-Priem]

Paper can be used to wipe your ass when you run out of toilet roll.

[@williamdrum9899]

One of humanity's greatest inventions since the blockchain

[@Vsor]

I just got mine today! It was much better than I expected. All hail Global Tetrahedron.

[@WhyamIinYourfeed-q5n]

This read like an episode of how it’s made

[@midbc1midbc199]

Stupid paper......i was in intensive care because I got attacked by some wild feral blank paper and got so many paper cuts I went into a coma

[@eltsennestle998]

I didn't understand this clip, but I signed up or something to get more of whatever this was.

[@CapablePimento]

I’ll wait for telegraph thanks. Pfft. Paper

[@user-ow1bc4sx2r]

I can’t afford it but I bought it anyway. The onion has proved to be high quality time and time again and I’m happy to support it

[@mayonnaiseeee]

The only news source we can trust.

[@zonewolf]

Excellent, Signing up as soon as I have $5 after catching up with last month's rent and health insurance!

[@IgnisWings]

I thought this was going to be some galaxy-brain parody about a subscription service that just mails you reams of paper to your house and it becomes real 5 years later like many Onion things do

[@2bitnerd]

It's about time.

[@Master_Tamma]

The Onion Satire today, about the future tomorrow!

[@shardulkakade9365]

Never in a thousand years would i have expected to hear adrian berenguer in an onion video

[@flowerpower8488]

Big Paper has their hands in everything now 😂

[@snapperboat25]

Will it be free range paper?

[@512px]

havent trusted paper ever since my daddy fell feet first into a paper shredder took four days of hitting reverse and forward over and over again before he was gone

[@rapauli]

Don't forget toilet paper!

[@2ndfloorsongs]

But newspaper, even when you crush it really well, has these pointy bits...

[@mrmagoo312]

Cool. Let me know when the complete Onion archives are available in an easily accessible format. Thanks.

[@lemonboyhere]

Paper: a felted sheet of usually vegetable fibers laid down on a fine screen from a water suspension.

[@neuroisis85]

I…can gets the onion as a newspaper again?! Is that what was implied?

[@ChaoticAphrodite]

I am thankful that Global Tetrahedron has decided to give me the illusion of choice when it comes to subscribing.

[@Catherinzsl]

Thrilled about this The Onion x The Office collab.

[@473weasel]

We are so back.

[@physxme]

That was a good one, almost had me until I see you can choose China as mailing address.

[@spectredude7884]

What is this paper? Does it come standard with any good apps?

[@AtaGunZ]

Does it ship to europe?

[@ofiasdfnosdf]

Time for The Onion to get sued

[@DistrustHumanz]

Paper... it's what's for dinner!

[@masonnnnnn1]

onion if you started making episodes like you used to we'd all really appreciate it

[@john_tw]

$99 is kinda high bruh I thought people waste paper because it’s cheap

[@dulouser1751]

I don't quite see why i should pay more for a newspaper than i do for my mobile phone plan every month.

[@ryanrockers]

Cool, you going to put them in coffee shops and university common areas?

[@EayuProuxm]

The strong only use cacti to wipe their tears

[@samurlaxiv4907]

What a time to be alive

[@Alex_FRD]

I was hoping it'd be newsroom videos.

[@panaderofilms]

Without paper, i would have to wash my ass in the shower every time i take a dump...thank you, paper..

[@LilBabyVEVO-ez4dc]

😂😂😂😂

[@oxoKANEoxo]

thanks

[@cheez6934]

This is the moment The Onion came back. 🥹

[@fipachu]

I miss the old The Onion [*]

[@nicholasplesko533]

Tricare dropped me for the 2nd time this year, and now I owe 4 thousand follars. Paper.

[@joedoge2]

for a second i thought the voice was the how its made guy. Paper

[@PatGunn]

Wishing for a return to the high budget ONN content

[@rolandthsive]

oh damn, finally about time

[@Beef1188]

Hold on a second... something big must have changed at onion, because their news casts no longer suck!

[@Msyjsm]

Legitimately the most honest news source in America, which is really fucking depressing but hey, at least it's also funny.

[@maxuabo]

We need to commandeer the presidents text to all us residents this intonation right now

[@GaigeGrosskreutzGunClub]

ONN next??

[@Super.Whimsy]

Rock always beats paper.

[@SWEGTA]

God, I hate paper.

[@Vsor]

I've never spent 99$ with so little thought

[@phototristan]

This would be better on April 1st.

[@cf6755]

to the onion every day is april 1st.

[@nathanhardee__]

Paper cuts! Also top nirvana song, fight me

[@scott2394]

Susan died by licking the glue off paper

[@lawrenegummy4736]

I miss the old onion. I wish Onion has more budget,.

[@casbot71]

And we fought over paper in 2020 🧻🧻🧻

[@thejoeyandrexieshow5042]

Paper.

[@Peuler5]

Such inspiring words, get this person an award right now.

[@themobiusfunction]

Scissors. I win!

[@randomfellow27]

I love paper 😍 i put it in my meals every day so i can feel something

[@zainmudassir2964]

All hail the paper

[@zygmuntthecacaokakistocrat6589]

So now I don't have to print out the web pages and staple it together for clients in the waiting room of my legal practice.

[@mikestewart4752]

God dammit, I love paper.

[@subday5811]

Is this available outside the US? Can't find any info on the website

[@VTH223]

Thanks Sant- I mean The Onion.

[@MrRaydenL]

-paper-

[@satokohashizaki5738]

I’d like to sign up.

[@TheGreatFury]

I heard paper is actually just smooshed up tree bits. But I'm thinking that's just a nasty rumor.

[@railroadbill5879]

Finally something to read whilst a leave a shit,that's not a cellular device

[@hostrow]

Finally the truth

[@robmckennie4203]

Is this the voice actor from that folding ideas video?