U.S. Deploys Socially Awkward Men Along Border To Deter Migrants | Onion News Network

[@Dirt-3-]

Has anyone tried turning the “America this way” sign around.

[@joan.nao1246]

🏆🏆🏆

[@MDuarte-vp7bm]

I don't think you're a thinker, bro. Go stand by the line and look like you smell.

[@carlmorgan8452]

🙃🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🙃

[@igotamelodyy]

This is my favorite comment I’ve ever seen ngl

[@WiresEnthusiast]

Cartoony

[@GlowGlobe]

The Onion moving back to their glory days. Love to see it.

[@unguidedone]

they are trying but i have not seen levels of quality since 2012 yet

[@justinklenk]

​@@unguidedone Agreed. 😢

[@mrshmuga9]

@@unguidedoneThat’s a tall order. I’m not sure they even have that much funding to get back to that. They don’t even have sets, and I do ‘t think they have many notable recurring characters like the male/female day show hosts or Peter Rosenthal.

[@EnkiduShamesh]

@@mrshmuga9 Peter Rosenthal still does a few movie reviews a year. He never went away.

[@LuisSierra42]

@@unguidedone They had higher budgets

[@Enishidono]

My dad was an immigrant from Mexico... he is one of the most socially awkward men I've ever known, he slipped right past these guys because he fit in so damn well

[@turdferguson2982]

He sounds hawt.

[@LindaZeno]

Couldn't come in legally?

[@cam4636]

@@LindaZeno THAT'S just the kind of conversational fail we need at the border! You're hired, son.

[@LindaZeno]

@@cam4636 If I wasn't an old lady .......

[@Jehty_]

⁠​⁠​⁠@@LindaZeno If you want to be an awkward man at the border, be an awkward man at the border. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't achieve your dreams just because of your assigned gender.

[@AusGovOfficial]

Annoyed they didn’t interview any of the weird men.

[@vez3834]

If I had to guess the men were strategically looking elsewhere and pretending to be busy.

[@Oktolibre]

​@Eddievonnosy😅😅

[@petergray2712]

If they interviewed them it would have compelled the viewing audience to flee to Mexico as well.

[@Mariabea63]

They only talk in comment sections

[@jonahmiller5881]

It's probably for the best.

[@morewi]

Finally a job for me

[@The.End.Begins24]

My hubby needs to apply. 😂😂😂

[@justaghostinthesea]

Damnit! Beat me to it. Good on you

[@ryanh3176]

Me too.

[@boiling_snow_water_]

THEY TOOK OUR JEEERBBBS!!!

[@dolphinrpg8854]

Where can I put my resume?

[@raidtheairwaves42]

These are the topics the NYT refuses to cover

[@JohnEastmanExAttyAtLaw]

when they try to cover it, the conservatives call it bias.

[@fisch37]

Sad that they couldn't pivot and had to close down

[@LuisSierra42]

The one big weird man strategy would work

[@luislaplume8261]

That is why I call that newspaper The New York Times Toilet Paper Company. 😮🤔🤮

[@baltakatei]

NYT during Hitler's rise to power: “Germany adopts swastika flag! Also, some Jews deported.”

[@DWEGOON]

Generally, migrants are deterred after the fourth attempt at bringing up Warhammer 40k lore

[@revendax2584]

But how will they understand memes that reference WH40k if I dont explain it to them now?

[@justinkam9729]

Or the first attempt at bringing up Ace Combat lore.

[@lukemorgan6166]

The emperor protects

[@RealCousinOkri]

They know no amount of overtime will pay for these sets. Might as well come back now.

[@bloodlove93]

just try to explain females in warhammer

[@leopoldopetrieska6564]

"This is not who we are as a country. We are charismatic and normal"

[@Bargerland]

Well....

[@timdevereux9097]

Coming from the most awkward member of Congress 😂😂😂

[@grasshopperye3593]

@@timdevereux9097 Please, she's one of the best reps we have and talks like a human. The most awkward member of congress is probably tom cotton, who always looks like he's about to cry.

[@misspat7555]

Liar, liar, “X” dumpster fire… 🔥 🔥🔥

[@emmyemmaem]

we use the RIGHT amount of Ranch and Spray tan!!!!

[@VideoGamer110]

"As police flee the scene of another school shooting" AYO 💀

[@skyoverclouds1]

shit caught me off guard

[@gustavolopes5094]

As police ***RACE*** to flee the scene lol

[@Ansemthewise59]

THAT was SAVAGE!!!😱

[@SpotFox-g6s]

That's meta

[@HomicidalTh0r]

Caught me by surprise. Tiny bit of old onion in there.

[@iRoamYouTube]

I'm bilingual and can be socially awkward in both English and Spanish; finally, my skills can be proven useful.

[@pablo_giustiniani]

Te compadezco

[@Fjwkdneebwbr]

This is your time

[@Yo_Soy_Andres]

Mi momento ha llegado

[@patwilson9186]

As a cripplingly introverted, autism spectrumed individual, I am personally offended. Offended that I wasn't sent on this mission to protect our country using my specialized skill set

[@Du-Masses]

They may have misunderstood “the spectrum” as the spectrum of color (like a rainbow🌈.)That of course makes them think of gay people so try not to take it personally. PS: You are awesome. ❤💙

[@PapoLunático]

If the salary is good

[@SaltyAsTheSea]

The A team will be called apon one day brother. Keep on doing you, and you'll be ready when the time comes 💯

[@drrodopszin]

Imagine if they paid you top dollars to talk about your special interests. Retiring from the force with decorations...

[@MadsH5859]

I think they tried to call you about the job, but you were too good already and did not pick up

[@HumourlessPig]

I don't know what's changed behind the scenes at The Onions parent company, but these last weeks of videos have been F'ing amazing. I'm resubscribed.

[@suspiciousactivity4266]

People finally became less sensitive and the Onion can return to its glory days

[@nothanks8368]

​@@suspiciousactivity4266 they are liberals broski

[@suspiciousactivity4266]

@@nothanks8368 Nah they're actually conservatives

[@traceable7875]

@@suspiciousactivity4266They criticise both sides, but if we are going off of social views it seems to lean more progressive then conservative. At least when it comes to thoughts on lgbtq and other similar social matters.

[@F4c2a]

@@nothanks8368 difference between liberal and woke (the oversensitive ones) is the same as difference between conservative and racist. I wish more liberals would call out wokes like the conservatives call out racists.

[@simonmartin2558]

As a current computer science student worried about the job market post graduation, I am relieved to see the administration taking steps to guarantee I can find a job.

[@Spyro-kt8gy]

There's really no hope out there, right?

[@kafkaesk3449]

I don't think pure maths students will ever crawl out to find a job

[@rytramprophet843]

Why you worried. these immigrants don't understand our language. Badum tsss.

[@Ruffington_Roast]

​@Spyro-kt8gy They'd like to make you think there isn't, the Godless lot of them. But those who truly understand that to have faith is to have hope. “Do you know, Asclepius, that Egypt is an image of Heaven, or to speak more exactly, in Egypt all the operations of the powers which rule and work in Heaven are present in the Earth below? In fact it should be said that the whole Cosmos dwells in this our land as in a sanctuary. And yet, since it is fitting that wise men should have knowledge of all events before they come to pass, you must not be left in ignorance of what I will now tell you. There will come a time when it will have been in vain that Egyptians have honoured the Godhead with heartfelt piety and service; and all our holy worship will be fruitless and ineffectual. The gods will return from earth to heaven; Egypt will be forsaken, and the land which was once the home of religion will be left desolate, bereft of the presence of its deities. O Egypt, Egypt, of thy religion nothing will remain but an empty tale, which thine own children in time to come will not believe; nothing will be left but graven words, and only the stones will tell of thy piety. And in that day men will be weary of life, and they will cease to think the universe worthy of reverent wonder and worship. They will no longer love this world around us, this incomparable work of God, this glorious structure which he has built, this sum of good made up of many diverse forms, this instrument whereby the will of God operates in that which he has made, ungrudgingly favouring man’s welfare; this combination and accumulation of all the manifold things that call forth the veneration, praise, and love of the beholder. Darkness will be preferred to light, and death will be thought more profitable than life; no one will raise his eyes to heaven; the pious will be deemed insane, the impious wise; the madman will be thought a brave man, and the wicked will be esteemed as good. As for the soul, and the belief that it is immortal by nature, or may hope to attain to immortality, as I have taught you, - all this they will mock, and even persuade themselves that it is false. No word of reverence or piety, no utterance worthy of heaven, will be heard or believed. And so the gods will depart from mankind, - a grievous thing! - and only evil angels will remain, who will mingle with men, and drive the poor wretches into all manner of reckless crime, into wars, and robberies, and frauds, and all things hostile to the nature of the soul. Then will the earth tremble, and the sea bear no ships; heaven will not support the stars in their orbits, all voices of the gods will be forced into silence; the fruits of the Earth will rot; the soil will turn barren, and the very air will sicken with sullen stagnation; all things will be disordered and awry, all good will disappear. But when all this has befallen, Asclepius, then God the Creator of all things will look on that which has come to pass, and will stop the disorder by the counterforce of his will, which is the good. He will call back to the right path those who have gone astray; he will cleanse the world of evil, washing it away with floods, burning it out with the fiercest fire, and expelling it with war and pestilence. And thus he will bring back his world to its former aspect, so that the Cosmos will once more be deemed worthy of Such is the new birth of the Cosmos; it is a making again of all things good, a holy and awe-inspiring restoration of all nature; and it is wrought inside the process of Time by the eternal Will of the Creator.”

[@michaeljeffery7466]

😂😂

[@believerr-g8p]

At the border now, and I just had a migrant family watch this video on my phone. They didn't laugh, so I explained the jokes to them, and now I'm showing them more hilarious videos.

[@jarodheap9169]

Should be top comment😂

[@I_Have_The_Most_Japanese_Music]

You're doing God's work.

[@Valgween]

it took me a few seconds to understand this one

[@draguleanionut-catrinel4303]

Good job, officer. You might be even deployed in evenys of refugee caravans with those, well lack of, social skills.

[@blacky_Ninja]

You‘re doing your part i see. Good Job! 👍

[@MsLeenite]

As a backup, they could use elderly people telling the migrants about all their medical conditions, their cats, and their irresponsible neighbors.

[@YAWSSSSSS]

Their grandchildren who don't call them back etc

[@gapsule2326]

Elderly people cant survive so near the equator without Floridizing it.

[@MyNameIsSTILLUnavailable]

Don't forget counting change, and miscounting at the last second, and starting over.

[@EyeSeeThruYou]

Oh, and endless stories about the endless trips to the doctors. Illegal aliens are sure to want to know all bout that 😂

[@bobon123]

Or weird ladies that really wants to tell you the dream they had that night.

[@michaelsteinman1314]

I think I've finally found my calling! I'm applying today! Edit: I was told I was overqualified.

[@TimoRutanen]

You having written a coherent KZbin comment must have played against you being weird enough.

[@DaMeng3000]

“And I’m active on Reddit….” HIRED, immediately.

[@LuisSierra42]

"I am a reddit moderator" Promoted

[@lavender9844]

“I am a Reddit admin” Promoted to Captain!

[@diogeneslantern18]

​@@lavender9844 moderator, ackshually

[@sovietunion7643]

"i love warhammer 40k, i just finished painting a thousand point army..." instant promotion. the sheer nightmare of trying to hear warhammer lore from someone who knows too much about it would make even the worst south american dictatorship look like heaven

[@L337Koala]

What are your qualifications? I’ve got 25 first posts across multiple genres of KZbin, 2024 alone. And upvotes in the thousands. I hand counted them myself.

[@danielplainview2360]

Finally, some non-fake news. Can I do this remotely?

[@shieldgenerator7]

and is there an option to only work nights?

[@carlmorgan8452]

Monty Python is back 😊

[@slowery43]

maybe leave the jokes to those that are a little funny

[@wowyouresofunnyman]

Wow you're insufferable​@@slowery43

[@TheBigGangBang]

@@slowery43you good bro? You need a hug?

[@pkpong]

I got my drafting papers and I’m off to serve my country protecting the border

[@Agent-mb1xx]

"I'm doing my part!"

[@joelsays2280]

​@@Agent-mb1xx "I'm doing my part!"

[@BiljanaCvjetinovic]

😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@Amanita._.Verosa._.]

Don't get sidetracked by side quests. Had a friend who's been gone two weeks now on a side quest.

[@Papawcanner]

Where are my papers , who has my lighter ? Questions of the day .

[@JennyLynn-ux2gh]

The only news I’ll watch for the next 4 yrs

[@katharinenoble1682]

You know what's weird though.... I watch Onion and Daily Show, and now and again they tell a story that is *so weird* I have to google it and it'll be a *real* thing. What????

[@virginiagould3167]

Whoa... how about some affirmative action!? Just because I'm female doesn't mean I can't be just as awkward and off-putting as any of those guys.

[@cinnabun715]

Haha same

[@deviouskris3012]

I must protest. This will cause many of those gents to retreat in confusion or completely shut down in the presence of women not related to them. Perhaps alternating men, furries, women? Since most IT specialists as furries, so they can act as a safe buffer?

[@envyops]

There is a chance a female would get kidnapped. Not those guys.

[@AkiyamaKatsuko]

Same

[@harveytherobot]

Hark! A female hath entered our lair!

[@MyBestPalJimbo]

I'm one big weird man... Maybe it falls on me to protect the border with my autism. Wish me luck guys, I'll do my best.

[@Emiliapocalypse]

Don’t forget to wear that adorable dog hat to protect you in your crusade

[@RLWarrior]

Hey 👋🏽, me too! Big weird men unite!

[@KaashUp]

Be sure to renew your CrunchyRoll before taking your post so you can stay up to date on the latest tactics.

[@ArnoldSchwarzenegger-ny2jn]

Under no circumstance, this kind of measure is cruel and inhumane!

[@yudithcaron8053]

If Trump wins, there's no way he'll let anybody else be the big weird man at the border. He even plans to bring his garbage man suit!

[@TheJasonParser]

I… I think I can do it… i don’t know I’m embarrassing I’m sorry I know I should leave

[@EinFelsbrocken]

WELCOME TO THE TEAM!!

[@dw-yl3ln]

You’ve got just the personality and lack of skills we’re looking for.

[@skycaptain95]

You're hired!

[@DefileOdds]

Can you please stop yelling it's triggering the Kung fu secret agent center of my brain and once that's unlocked the matrix is open for business! Heee Ya! Pocket sand!

[@seashackf1]

That was embarrassing to read, on many levels…… when can you start?

[@youdonwannaknowme]

"One big weird man" LMAO that made me laugh harder than I thought it would 😆

[@枒]

This is not who we are as a country! We are charismatic and normal!

[@Teamo86]

Sure yoe are.

[@3_pancakes767]

Exactly, it's not worth the stain in our image to keep anyone out, of our country built by immigrants

[@gregfuller9050]

Speak for yourself

[@ShortFuseMan]

To the dull people who replied above me, this comment was a quote from the video at *1:39* runtime. _Betty is simply re-emphasizing the statement in this comment because it’s dogmatic funny._ She isn’t agreeing with the opinion… FFS. 🤦

[@C___________]

@@ShortFuseMan To be fair there's no quotation mark.

[@MananaMan]

"Hey do you want to join my subreddit?" "Que?" "Yeah I actually moderate-"

[@momon969]

Bad, bad Vibes.

[@askani21]

**Turns back**

[@jaredf6205]

I actually started a subreddit for a game that's over a million people now and an art subreddit that's at 300,000 people now Edit: do you guys not realize I'm trying to make you laugh with this comment? I didn't realize people would take it that seriously. I mean what I said was completely true, but I'm still literally making a joke here.

[@E4439Qv5]

​@@jaredf6205how's the wall, _hombre?_ Edit (in response to above): it's cool, just riffin' on what you said. Congratulations.

[@snapgab]

​@@jaredf6205And here you are, demonstrating your inability to read a room 😂

[@christianweibrecht6555]

The last joke was pure gold

[@jacobgame2757]

Which part was a joke?

[@feature.of.jarjar24]

​@@jacobgame2757 the part where you'd expect police to head into a dangerous scenario, not flee from it. (it's inspired by their conduct in uvalde).

[@person8064]

​@@feature.of.jarjar24 where's the joke?

[@ScienceD9000]

That a news source would cover it

[@christopher2866]

Naw, it was "ONN, the only news network watching you", followed by 15 seconds of silent staring

[@josephkolozi9364]

They came to me first but I held out for more money because I could talk to myself and do it alone and save the government billions. Yes, I am that one big weird man.

[@videoman362]

Yeah i just got hired to work the border in this position. Great pay. Don’t know why all the migrants always turn away when I talk to them but my boss says I’m doing great.

[@trapical]

Thank you for your service

[@maan100283]

Did you get good training? I would love to serve, but the last time I tried to small talk to someone outside a D&D game, I got PTSD. Still hear that voice "oh sorry, I don't understand where you're getting at?"

[@Coverswithchords1]

My kinda thing. Need no training, just act naturally.

[@RaneBoDasch]

Are you greeting them in a horrible latin accent? I heard they love that

[@carlmorgan8452]

Travis Heinz would have a Shoe in.

[@darcisw]

Calling all software engineers. We need your help at the border.

[@LyricsQuest]

They can program and run the surveillance drones and simultaneously man the border, talk about efficiency.

[@darcisw]

@@LyricsQuest This made me laugh loudly. I used to be a programmer & my husband is a software engineer. You NAILED it! 😂😂😂

[@KrisHughes]

Just send Musk down there. He's well scary.

[@kingdededelicious]

@@KrisHugheswho do you think the big weird man is?

[@Colddirector]

@@KrisHughes The moment migrants see Elon coming at them stammering and jumping like a child, they'll immediately turn back.

[@TragoudistrosMPH]

"This is not who we are as a country, we are charismatic and normal" So many layers 😂

[@ilikecookies9796]

Like an onion. I'll see myself out.

[@no_name4796]

@ilikecookies9796 the government called you to the border

[@TragoudistrosMPH]

@@no_name4796 🤣 mean 🤣

[@Dutchripoffofcheese]

@@ilikecookies9796”ONIONS HAVE LAYERS!”

[@Chris-em1bc]

Hire me! I'm a veteran and can't keep a job my mental health is so screwed from service this country

[@DarkcIoud1111.]

My country needs me.

[@randomperson6988]

@@DarkcIoud1111. Doing our service 🫡

[@Magic_beans_]

If they really wanted to crack down they’d send awkward extroverts. Imagine someone who keeps trying to force a conversation despite the other party’s complete lack of interest.

[@KasumiRINA]

"Hey feeemale do you know that Bitcoin is the future?" shudders, I almost left MY home city after hearing one of those.

[@ianhomerpura8937]

​@@KasumiRINA oh no, looks like there will be more El Salvadoran tech bros

[@bigthunder7002]

Those are my favorite people

[@ozzy8449]

Imagine? You’re doing that now! 😂

[@Magic_beans_]

@@ozzy8449I’m just trying to bring you out of your shell. So what’s your favorite movie? I like the _Rocky_ series. You have a favorite _Rocky_ movie? I think mine is _Rocky IV_ because it has that great training montage in the wilderness. Real macho stuff, getting back to the earth. Of course that was also the one with the silly robot, but Stallone eventually cut that scene in later versions. You like any other Stallone films? I must have seen everything he ever made. What a lot of people don’t understand about Stallone is…

[@GardenLives]

Deploying the entirety of reddit along the border

[@Čhelsea_Čhainsaw]

😂

[@copter2000]

Imagine the smells 😢

[@HomicidalTh0r]

Deploy the Neckbeards, discord moderators, and and Reddit moderators!

[@Čhelsea_Čhainsaw]

@@copter2000 😂😂😂❕Why ❓ 😂😂😂

[@SianaGearz]

Have you tried weaponised Tumblr and Wattpad?

[@Nathan-jq2xh]

There has been an Onion News Network sized hole in my heart for a very very long time. Thank you so much!

[@12171010011010]

If they want to get in, they are going to learn the entirety of BIONICLE lore first.

[@deviouskris3012]

They must adopt the culture! 😂

[@electronics-girl]

I have a friend who won't stop talking about Bionicle. She's hot, though, so she might distract the other nerds.

[@kalenwilliams6633]

GATHERED FRIENDS

[@erichan7926]

man i wish bionicle is still around. if lego ever bring them back i will buy some.

[@johnwalker1058]

We're trying to repel them, not attract them!

[@Tychoxi]

i had heard america had very inhuman migration policy, i woulda never imagined it was _this_ inhumane

[@televishenimoniker5546]

Don't end this tactic. Do you think our economy can handle a sudden surge of unemployed socially awkward men right now? He'll no! BTW, this was going on under Obama admin, and back then, it was all hunky doorie. Press never said a thing, just like those immigrant cages. Then, under Trump, it magically becomes as bad as the third reich and gets stopped, only to return stealthily under Biden. Classic divisive politics. Don't fall for it. Stay united, America!

[@rakebluewallgaming6185]

You shouldve seen the last one

[@televishenimoniker5546]

Silly... my joking comment was deleted. Apparently, uTube has no sense of humor.

[@KAHHHH8548]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@EricLing64]

Cruel and unusual punishment. Beware the pillow fights with their favorite body pillows.

[@ProjectArson]

So glad to see the onion returning to its former glory

[@lolasdm6959]

today, we witness history

[@PlazDreamweaver]

Same.

[@alexmarquez2639]

@@lolasdm6959 true

[@LuisSierra42]

@@lolasdm6959 PATRIOTS!!

[@krazyxki]

I feel the exact same. This one just HIT like the old ones used to. I really hope they keep this up.

[@andrewrutherfurd7753]

Oh my God. Thank you Onion!! Just what I needed. And, as usual, pitch perfect.

[@becorder185]

How cruel! No one should be subjected to intense prolonged eye contact while listening to unnecessary details about a fantasy game

[@deviouskris3012]

Look. I promise you. The story gets so much better once you reach Heavenward!

[@twilightmiffy]

See, this guy Estinien...

[@tayzonday]

The Onion is back?! 💪🤘

[@Hunk62]

been waiting too long for this

[@dickdickinson2929]

Chocolate rain

[@MauiWowie51]

don't hold your chocolate breath.

[@Hunk62]

@MauiWowie51 damn right he shouldn't hold it, I wanna see that chocolate raiiiiinnn

[@warlordofbritannia]

And of course it happens in an election year

[@Sorrelhas]

"Toddler rushed to hospital after falling into the Universal Studios Minion enclosure"

[@bernatgarcia6348]

My favourite detail of the video. ONN is back!!!

[@bluesquare23]

The subtle underneath headlines always get me! 😂

[@pbase36]

I hear she almost drowned in the media oversaturation. That poor child!

[@vyynn3072]

"explaining inside jokes with other people" showing this to my wife heh

[@lavender9844]

Where can I sign up as a social awkward man? They won’t be able to stand my rambling about Sonic the Hedgehog and the Dreamworks Trolls franchise.

[@EuelBall]

Sonic? Normie! When they get a load of my obscure history facts, Lunar lava tube fixation, and my World of Warcraft replays, they'll run past the Panama Canal! (Which was started by a French company, but was taken over by...)

[@redwiltshire1816]

⁠​⁠@@EuelBallhistory facts and world of war? Basic. I can describe in perfect detail every fetish and why they exist try not being uncomfortable with me around

[@CrazyBrick30]

My buddy and I have this joke where one of us says "Quill me!" when we're playing Checkers. It started off when I said "Kill me!" because my friend was about to say "King me!" and Sonic was paused in the background so he was like "Did you say 'Quill me?'" and I was like "Lol no." Oh yeah, that's something else you should know about the modern Land of Opportunity: We say "lol" out loud and it's hella funny. So, you play Yu-Gi-Oh! over there or is that like banned by the cartels or whatever?

[@lukemorgan6166]

Next to the mlp line

[@lavender9844]

@@BrainStormerNarf I call that a success! Now we can theorize about what will be included for the 2025 roadmap for Shadow Generations, or when the second trailer for Sonic the Hedgehog 3 comes out!!

[@DailyLifeSolution]

Finally, ONN is back in action.

[@tatevolk7553]

They are back! Finally!

[@dettective]

Yh, it looks like someone invested in them. Let's hope the Onion of old will be back

[@Sopmod-py1ee]

never thought "man the walls" can be this creative

[@SailorGerry]

And sung to the tune of "deck the halls"...?

[@bluesdjben]

Did you know that the Kansas State Capitol is actually 26 feet higher than the United States Capitol? Why no, I never have had a girlfriend.

[@E4439Qv5]

Unironically, they're missing out.

[@plathianprincess]

did you know pineapples used to cost like 8000 dollars? i want you so bad I'm not kidding

[@piccalillipit9211]

Thank you for the fact, Ill add it to my collection - you made my day

[@archsys307]

@@plathianprincessdid you know i play football and got a 1570 sat and do great with kids and animals? too bad im conservative

[@plathianprincess]

@@archsys307 i actually don't care if you're conservative, mostly. you seem fun, too ;)

[@LiCuKi]

I love that the spanish lady talking is saying NOTHING like the subtitles

[@celine9322]

I noticed that too. Confusing

[@PrincessAmanante]

Please, what is she actually saying??

[@KAHHHH8548]

Lol

[@AndreVictorGoncalves]

​@@PrincessAmanante She said someone had injured her after hearing her conversion with another person.

[@cameronschyuder9034]

oh thank goodness you clarified this; i took a bit of spanish back in high school and wasn't sure if this was the case or not

[@realKarlFranz]

I feel attacked.

[@lolasdm6959]

you should certainly go and tell everyone at the border about the elector counts

[@dulouser1751]

Same, the first time an onion spot related to me ...

[@thereal4815]

God loves you

[@lolasdm6959]

@@thereal4815 inshallah brother you are right

[@senboy9002]

Mexican or socially awkward? Or both?

[@Madninja657]

As a parent of two socially awkward boys, I’m just happy to know they will have guaranteed jobs in the future…

[@TheBsmith97]

I'm happy, albeit somewhat nervous to be there Onion! It feels good to finally have a job that fits me so well.

[@contentdeleted5405]

I love this comment and your pfp. Take my like.

[@UltravioletNomad]

If any of these men start talking about Dragon Ball this new plan may backfire.

[@kingdededelicious]

shit you're right

[@theskatemap]

Or Sonic the Hedgehog apparently

[@hafirenggayuda]

I feel if they talk or even mention GT, there's gonna be bloodshed

[@ChesterRGC]

You're right, there's a huge anime fanbase in Mexico, specially DBZ and Naruto, for some reason

[@arrakistoxic1765]

no. no.

[@jakethepillowsnake5302]

One of these men announced the upcoming release of his new book, Facts You Wish You Never Knew About Magic The Gathering Volume III.

[@AlisonBeautifulSavage]

We know it's Vance

[@cesaralejandro7725]

I’m surprised these guys can go through with this skit without laughing there asses off

[@Harderanger]

Hahhaaha that 10sec awkward stare at the end. Nailed it.

[@mudkipmadness7072]

I can't believe the government would do this. This is just too cruel. Thoughts and prayers for these migrants. 🙏

[@BiljanaCvjetinovic]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@dankhorse69420]

The US has already been deploying socially awkward men to The Philippines, but to increase migrants, not deter them.

[@undeniablySomeGuy]

Deeeeep cut lmfao

[@mayaram2411]

And the women will still do it with them.

[@fireliliu]

NAHHH this is too real 😭

[@allcommentsnocontent]

"Monsanto workers`s blood found tainted with micro-corn" killed me. Thanks for coming back, ONN

[@philippinesball5058]

I don’t blame them. If I were a migrant, the last thing I’d want to see is a Discord mod asking me where his hug at. I’d rather deal with the cartel at that point

[@revendax2584]

I'm still waiting on that hug buddy. Am I gonna get it or not?

[@philippinesball5058]

@@revendax2584 ¡Adios gordo! Necesito regresar a Honduras muy pronto

[@cam4636]

@@revendax2584 Ha ha without me?

[@unconsciouscreator3012]

omg! we need women fighting the cartels! the onion totally needs to puch women fighting the cartels!

[@McBaller96]

"this is not who we are as a country. we are charismatic and normal"

[@echedp8903]

That police fleeing another school shooting hits way to hard.

[@8924-r7b]

This is absolutely genius!

[@8924-r7b]

@Eddievonnosy “painfully introverted freaks” lol!!! So we’ll written, directed and acted out.

[@conwarlock3537]

Okay, but did you know that during LotR filming Viggo Mortensen broke his toe during a scene where he had to kick a helmet?

[@laluzdelsol7587]

Whenever I watch lotr with fellow nerds you can feel the tension pick up in the room at that scene as everyone fights simultaneously not to share that piece of trivia

[@therealking6202]

​@@laluzdelsol7587That's actually pretty funny. Gives Michael Scott "that's what she said" vibes.

[@cgrimes34]

Yes and did you also know that the actor who played Lurtz accidentally threw the knife directly at Viggo becuase his eye makeup made it hard to see?

[@jeepliving1]

Sean Astin sliced his foot open on a broken bottle when he was walking through the water to reach Frodo, who was trying to go off on his own in order to protect his friends from the danger of going to Mordor, as if he could actually carry out the quest all by himself, which Samwise knew and refused to let him go alone causing Sean Astin to slice his foot open on a broken bottle when he was trying to get to Frodo. There was tons of blood and it was REAL blood, too. You should've seen it! Edit: Sean Astin's step dad was John Astin who played Gomez Addams on the TV version of the Addams Family.

[@cgrimes34]

@@jeepliving1 this reply thread is starting to distract from the original video topic…. Similar to how Aragorn distracted Sauron by revealing himself in the palantir, pressuring Sauron to send orcs to Minas Tirith sooner than he planned.

[@Commietaku]

A few of the men there are actually protesting this, but they went alone or lost their group and were too nervous to ask for a sign. Unless you really listen to the mumbles, you can't tell.

[@keepyerstickontheice]

😆🤣🤣

[@ShiftyGeeza]

So nice to see The Onion finding its groove again. We've missed you.

[@piedpiper1185]

Finally, a job I am perfectly qualified for!

[@FeuerZ]

"New Study Finds Adults Reach Peak Disappointment By Age 30"

[@whateverlolawants]

I feel like it was 35 for me. I mean, I hope that was the peak.

[@lucasturney4269]

What that study fails to mention is that the peak doesn't necessarily subside, least not until alzheimer's hits...

[@saintsinningsword]

And the border crossing explode once the socially awkward men and migrants both realize they're fans of Dragon Ball Z creating open dialogue.

[@Bulbmin300]

Set up tents with dragon ball games, dragon ball dvds and host regular competitions involving screaming, trivia and actual gaming. Not only will that stop migrants but also the cartel.

[@SupahTrunks7]

Migrant hears “goku” somewhere in the awkward man’s rant about power scaling and suddenly the flood gates are open and the migrant is invited to see the man’s dbz figurine collection.

[@cam4636]

@@SupahTrunks7 I think that's the actual US naturalization process tho

[@KasumiRINA]

@@cam4636 yup, in France, a migrant is considered native when they start burning down Paris in giant protests, in USA it's all about obsession with anime.

[@warlordofbritannia]

“U.S. Border Patrol? I’ve heard you’re pretty strong.” -Last recorded words from Rio Grande Outpost 118

[@cerberus144]

Finally, there is a way I can serve my country.

[@zants_]

Ouch... * continues to look at ground and hope nobody tries to hug and/or shake my hand, fearing I'll go in for a kiss for some reason despite having never done that before *

[@doubleoof7907]

Are you seriously roleplaying in an Onion comments section

[@ZzDe0]

i knew something was up when they accepted my application to be a boarder patrol agent

[@JNkind5]

This is the best and perhaps only nonpartisan news channel in the world

[@AlisonBeautifulSavage]

They are pretty partisan, when you have humour you have common sense, but ok

[@LILBABYBOBBYHILL]

They were bashing Conservatives the other day so.....

[@juu4524]

@@LILBABYBOBBYHILL and they have bashed democrats many many times. making fun of all sides is nonpartisan even when its your side

[@worm_wannacry]

I really appreciate the time the onion takes to watch back you never see this stuff in other news networks these days

[@TXRoeJogan]

I’m going to send this to my mom as she will think this is a true media report

[@namariumtransit]

The Onion is watching again, stay calm.

[@daleksec01]

I thought this was clearly outlined as being illegal in the Geneva Convention

[@momon969]

Article VI §16, section D: Cruel and Unusual Awkwardness

[@madscientist3134]

Do you think US cares for pesky things like Geneva convention? They even unleashed Hillary Clinton on Pakistan for no reason!

[@ianhomerpura8937]

Ah, the Geneva Suggestion

[@plathianprincess]

@@daleksec01 I need you

[@gabrielledatascience]

as a painfully introverted freak, i finally feel seen for my talents

[@cam4636]

Yes but you'd have to go out there and talk to strangers in public

[@JustDT851]

@@cam4636 ahhhhhh

[@Musical-Meditation-haight]

We got our one big weird man.

[@toddwasson3355]

I sent in my application today. Can't wait!

[@constellationorion8679]

I’m disappointed that I wasn’t even notified about this job posting

[@deviouskris3012]

It was posted on the reddit sub group. If you didn’t see it, you aren’t active enough to qualify.

[@pinkdiamond1847]

​@@deviouskris3012 I saw someone posting about this particular vacancy on 4chan but Annon never delivers and I don't trust the government anyway.

[@weeblordgaming6062]

I play genshin, am I qualified

[@aroha9090]

I'm already wearing my smelliest Pac Man T & I have hundreds of facts about serial killers & lizards if America needs me! Also, that high speed chase at the end made me spit out my luke-warm Mountain Dew from my Dune mug.

[@Annoflacrosse]

😂

[@resourcenetworksystems9547]

"...As police rush to flee the scene of yet another school shooting"... ROTFLMAO

[@gabek5760]

Are they hiring internationally?

[@_jpg]

Yes, but to pass you have to out-introvert the men at the southern border

[@hewhoneverdies001]

Oh the irony...

[@Aubrey2004-j4k]

Haha😂😂😂

[@plathianprincess]

@@gabek5760 no, but I am! hiiiii

[@electronics-girl]

I've heard Canada wants to protect their Southern border, as well.

[@Veteranemo]

“Those are some of the worst interpersonal skills I’ve seen” LOL

[@Sonilotos]

"I'm in this image and I don't like it"

[@arcterus9060]

LMAO that "Coming up next" was honestly the best part.

[@obanjespirit2895]

"Wait, before you come in, let me tell about henry caville doing a warhammer show!"

[@zoopzoooom]

“As police race to flee the scene of another school shooting.” Holy shit that was savage!

[@chaotixthefox]

We are SO back. This is reminiscent of old Onion! LFG!

[@AmazonEnforcer]

Thanks to Bill for the BIG donation!!

[@DaybreakPT]

BUILD THAT MAN! BUILD THAT MAN!

[@blockocheese9730]

Migrants: I just remembered something I left at home Me: ok! I’ll be here when you want to continue our conversation of how one punch man could defeat every other anime character

[@Winston-lf7sb]

thats just stating facts. not even a conversation

[@Jamoni1]

That's literally the point of One Punch Man, as a way to lampoon the trope of the .... YOU SLY DOG, YOU GOT ME MONOLOGING!

[@kingdededelicious]

careful though, I hear those Mexicans love their anime

[@Rammspieler]

Funny thing is that Latin Americans love anime more than we do.

[@weeblordgaming6062]

@@RammspielerThat’s why Trump hired me, im such a high ranking weeb that I can even deter other weebs

[@lennytidwillow3666]

I can finally quit truck driving, and use my introverted awkwardness for something good!

[@TheoHyman-Bockman]

Finally, a place for me in the defense of our country

[@jasonquigley2633]

As a socially awkward man, I'm extremely offended. I'm going to protest by shuffling around awkwardly and look at the ground.

[@botodin6979]

See? JD Vance DOES have a purpose in a presidential administration

[@KasumiRINA]

As long as they don't deploy Ben Shapiro, as migrants on the border are thirsty, and his uncanny ability to make every woman dry will lead to fatalities from dehydration.

[@rudyardganuelas6254]

@@KasumiRINAwe’ll have to rename the rio grande to rio muy seco

[@Amanita._.Verosa._.]

​@@KasumiRINA That's how you stop the flooding 💯

[@2ksbu123]

It's reported he's already on the border, it's already caused a famine and a humanitarian catastrophe on the new mexico section of the border​@@KasumiRINA

[@devinmcmanus]

Make sure there's a couch

[@sidgt16]

please bring back 'In the Know' and 'Today Now!' also 🙏

[@yty1941]

Such a genius idea, secure the border while helping out those unemployed CS majors

[@xenobob2773]

Never met an unemployed CS major in my life.

[@silver_soul]

​@@xenobob2773 you sure with how oversaturated it's becoming?

[@xenobob2773]

@@silver_soul Hmm... for a serious answer... either I work in a protected place (government contracts, very small chance of being laid off) or Im good... or just lucky. Can't answer for all CS Majors.

[@MoreThanMichael]

THIS is the Onion content we need.