Evacuating the Seat of Your Self: A necessary Move for the Scapegoat Survivor

In today's video I describe how we all want to operate from the seat of our authentic selves. The scapegoat child's seat, however, grew to feel like the electric chair. Next, I name the strategies used to stay out of their seat. Third, I explain how these strategies made it possible to survive a situation you were not meant to. And watch until the end because I will offer three principles to help you re-occupy the seat of yourself.
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[@bonniewinfield3148]

I remember sitting at a low table in nursery school, thinking ‘No one can see me and no one can hear me.’ I could not have been more than 4 years old. That utter invalidation of me continued into adulthood. One Christmas, I received a waste basket as a gift. On my 22nd birthday, I received a 4pack of toilet paper. Another Christmas, I was handed not a gift, but a roll of wrapping paper. I knew nothing of narcissism at that time, so each ‘gift’ left me severely disoriented. Since I knew something was seriously wrong, but could find no explanation, I concluded each time that I was a horrible person, though I couldn’t figure out how. That was how the world treated me, because that was apparently what I deserved. It amazes me even now, that for each gift, I expressed gratitude.

[@leeboriack8054]

Narcissists crush happy people as happy folks trigger a narcissist’s hidden pain and fears. Misery loves company.

[@jimmyjams1974]

Wow "life is filled with things that are gotten through rather than experienced". That hit hard. That is exactly how I felt before I realized how things were in actuality and now I am discovering myself.

[@LisaParkesWildheart]

Same! I just wanted to get through the day.

[@Daysleeper1000]

I had a therapist ask me, " Where did you learn that life is to be endured?" I literally had no IDEA how she came to that conclusion so early on. But it was PROFOUND. She took, was an LCSW. She was such a blessing and skilled. She also said she felt like I was a little rabbit, sitting under a table, thankful for any crumb that may fall. I had no IDEA that's how I was living my life. Thank God for gifted therapists!

[@kobra4422]

It's awesome that you talk about the exact things I discover at that time. It's like when the student is ready the teacher appears. Being your true self meant being abused and humiliated so we wore a mask. It's less painful to be humiliated for the mask instead your real face. Glad you talk about the "authentic self". Other coaches only talk about how narcissists are and why, I am like cool, but I wanna know who I am, I've spent years focused on narcissists instead of being myself. EDIT: I've always had that weird feeling that stepping into my power could end in disaster, something bad happening. I didn't know why, as if someone spied on me to make sure it won't happen. Now I know why.

[@cynthiae6230]

Agree. Also, I think the narcissist is stuck in their mask, maybe because it is less painful for them and they lack the moral courage to heal.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Abra Kedabra. Your comment is very helpful. Love your name- there’s power in magic. ☺️🪄🎩🦸‍♂️

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@cynthiae6230 and they enjoy being bullies.

[@firehorse9996]

@@cynthiae6230 Don't make excuses for their abuse. Not here. We've all given them far too many chances to change already. No Contact. I repeat, No Contact.

[@foxyfox9196]

​@@cynthiae6230 in reality there is little if any difference between those that are commonly flippantly dismissed as "narcissists" (DX or even talking to a therapist themselves at all or no) and those commonly seen as their victims. Except for a core thing. Accountability and willingness to change. The abuser (who could have any number of diagnosis or, none at all, undiagnosed issues etc) often doesn't want to admit anything all that bad has happened to them, and often that they are better than their own parents or whoever traumatized them so obviously it's absurd to think they could at all be unhealthy, toxic, or abusive. Often the abuse is generational and passed on to different people who it manifests differently in. With golden children being more likely to inherent narcassitic like traits and the need to deny any flaws or issues with their systems or the people that prop them up. And the scapegoat is the most likely to see, name, and reject the issues. To admit to having been victimized. To put in the work to change and do better and break the cycles. The older you are, the harder it is to break the habit of making, denying issues, and demanding at least a perfect public image of themselves and their families/those close to them. So the more the roles get kinda cemented after adulthood. That's really the big difference.

[@saturdayschild8535]

I remember my teenaged self asking my mom for basic respect for my choices and ability to make them. She told me she didn’t have to respect me or allow me to make any choices as my parent. I hid myself from her after that for good. She always seemed surprised to hear great things about me from instructors and theater directors for the very courses she knew I loved. She’d make more home demands to keep me from being able to do things that aided self expression. She denies this to this day.

[@Thysta]

I'm so sorry for that, reading your post actually made me angry. I do know how they operate. My father was constantly switching between trying to stop me from doing things I loved and between trying to force me to do them so he can get "credit". Because these complete idiots actually BELIEVE that a PARENT can get CREDIT for something the child is doing. I do not understand how they come up with that logic. Much love to you, Saturday's Child.

[@janettemartin4604]

@@Thysta I could only do what my MOTHER got credit for. People would "praise her" and she would NEVER share that praise with ME! If something messed up "ALL MY BAD!"

[@Thysta]

@@janettemartin4604 They are messed up. The idiots literally believe that normal people will give credit to the PARENT if the child is successful. Which is an absolute delusion in their 3 year old minds. Nothing is lost, you are supercool, she is a mess that can not be fixed.

[@fighttheevilrobots3417]

I think that unfortunately a lot of mainstream cultures do exactly that.... see children simply as a reflection of their parenting. ​@@Thysta

[@sharonjones7138]

Thinking I deserved ANYTHING good, was a cardinal sin to my mother. She didn’t want me to have ANYTHING. And so, she lied to my father causing him to consider me to be a “problem child” therefore, he wasn’t very concerned with meeting my basic needs. While he provided for the family, mother was the one who bought what was needed for the kids. And that…was not much. She spent as much money on herself as she could., and to hell with what the kids need. We had no clothes…my brother and I each had 1 pair of jeans that we wore to school everyday. It was bad, but I survived. Learning, growing, beginning to thrive, as I’m finding and living my authentic self 😁☺️🥰. I, am sooo awesome!!! So are each of you so don’t give up. Be good to yourself. Watch as many videos as you can, as it’ll help you learn the truth which will set you free.

[@northerngaltrue]

Thank you for turning your own pain into healing for others. Very insightful.

[@fragrenscat9468]

I also wanted to say, iv never understood why whenever I am truly happy , I expect punishment. because of course when I am happy, I am being me... you have totally explained this

[@healingandgrowth-infp4677]

My narc mother also never wanted me happy. If smile or laugh she would beat me. Did you experience anything like that. Could it also be that too?

[@sarahlongstaff5101]

Me too.

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

I feel exactly this way, like the idea of just being myself is a terrible idea! I actually remember saying I wanted to "be myself" and being mocked for it.

[@annastone5624]

“They (the parent) burnt the bridge of connection” “Treated like an object”

[@eight-ball3625]

I could never express a different opinion. Or, have a “ need.” Heaven forbid I’d be a unique person with needs!

[@espectroarcoiris]

Thank you so much. You helped me understand much better what happened to me. When I was a little girl I wondered how is it possible other children my age were so sure and unworried to express their desires and preferences. It was a mistery to me and I recall thinking about that phenomena without finding an answer.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Same here, confusing differences noticed in my peers.

[@jencushman6865]

Yes, I couldn't understand why I was so different and put it down to being "flawed" in some foundational way. It seemed so easy for others and they seemed to have a natural exuberance that I couldn't access. I only knew how to "mask" (I only understand this now) and it was exhausting.

[@espectroarcoiris]

@@jencushman6865 being flawed yes, exactly. They actually called me flawed, defective, abnormal, failure, freak. I had forgotten.

[@espectroarcoiris]

I keep recalling: they called me mentallly disturbed, loser, and of course fat and slut. Incredible I assumed that´s who I was.

[@stanleydrive740]

You are so not alone! I felt exactly the same as a kid! And when I was old enough to start school, I was shocked, seeing other kid's parents treating them with actual respect! Sending you a hug🧡

[@Flutterby411]

I'm almost 50 and just arriving at this space now, where I'm feeling like I have finally found my sense of self. I have an adult child who parrots the words of my parents, my sister/their aunty, and my ex husband/their father and exMIL/their grandmother. If I allow that child back into my life I will remain the scapegoat for the rest of my days. Grew up with narcissistic violent alcoholic and mentally ill parents, and married into a family with a similar family dynamic and I am the scapegoat to both familys. The electric chair metaphor is fitting. Now, knowing what I know, when they display narcissistic abuse through gaslighting, put downs/shaming and baiting, my nervous system gets triggered in the same way it it felt when you get a huge fright. There is no going back. This video is so on point!! THANKYOU. It's funny - I feel like I have no integrity and can't shake the feeling of feeling like I am fake when I'm being myself - kind warm friendly person - I can't believe how much I resonate with the experiences you share in this video.

[@audreyandrea460]

Keep up the good work! I know it’s hard. 🙏💜

[@janettemartin4604]

You really explained how the adult child would continue to scapegoat you! I have been TERRIFIED of the two step girls I raised and I do not think I express it "properly". I am still REALLY MAD at being SO RIPPED OFF by that time and or my ABILITY to have my OWN CHILD because I was raising their UNGRATEFUL ASSES! LOL,,,,, but deep down they Scapegoated me and where taught how to do IT!

[@KingJamesBibleForTheWin]

💕“For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” Romans 10:13 💕KJV

[@kristenforsythe5994]

❤❤❤❤big hug

[@kobra4422]

"There was an impostor on your seat all the time" 🍾🥂

[@marycrowley1442]

I can’t believe that this is exactly what I was meditating on today. I recently started to attend ACA meetings. I heard the word “wholeness” there. Even though I have a good memory, I feel fractured. I had so many identities. If I was with someone that saw and admired my good qualities, I acted like a confident and agreeable person. If someone was religious, I acted like I was pure. I was obedient and responsible with my friends from “good enough” families. I was rock-n-roll with my friends from dysfunctional families. I was caring with people that loved me and laughed along with abusive people that made me the punchline of the joke. In my home I was treated like a nothing, doormat, second class human being and a throw away, etc. I need to forget this bullshit and remember who I truly am.

[@joebloggs339]

I love how trauma-specific your content is. I went to various therapists (psychiatrists and psychologists) for over 10 years and they were mostly USELESS. I never heard the word trauma even once. My father used to yell his head off at me everyday for just wanting to be a normal little boy and not one of the 'professionals' ever made the connection between that and my emotional difficulties. Prior to the whole concept of C-PTSD, it seems like mental health pros were really just groping in the dark.

[@idontknowyetwhoiam]

I think the "seat" of the self is the body, your physical body. Abuse of any kind disconnects us from our physical form. I'm saying this from experience. Working hard on my mind body connection now and boy is it an uphill battle. It can feel scary to come back into your body, foreign, uncharted land. I'm doing dance, aquafit classes, yoga and just plain old breathing. The uncoordination you feel in your body is because the mind body connection needs work.

[@dotsyjmaher]

SO painful..SO on target..my stomach and head are reeling.....

[@stanleydrive740]

It is so healing just reading the comments here & finding others who felt so exactly as I did! 🧡

[@Thysta]

I have JUST realized that I can control and quit the emotional enmeshment with my NPD grandma, which means I don't have to react. I feel like a new person. Thanks for every help Jay your videos helped a lot. I feel like 100lbs lighter.

[@taniabluebell3099]

Constantly being on the phone for long periods of time seems to be a common thread amongst parents who neglect their children emotionally. Both my parents would talk on the phone for hours. It was always someone outside of our closed family system that deserved their attention. I attempted to bond with my father because my mom was the primary abuser. He had little interest in me or siblings but would often recount stories and milestones of other children that he learned from his friends. Me and my siblings were his audience, nothing more.

[@dakoderii4221]

Same with my dad but if you talked to him more than 20 seconds he would claim he hates being on the phone. He would also have no problem calling me up and yelling at me for hours but as soon as I say something that he can't counter it's all "I can't handle being on the phone. My neck hurts. WAAAH!" They show attention to other children to show you how little you mean to them. Then they bring you in front of people they want to impress and state how much they love you and blah, blah, blah. You are so horrible but look at me, the greatest dad ever, as I am such a great person that I stick beside this problem child through it all. Pathetic!

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@dakoderii4221 yes.

[@warrenbradford2597]

My father is better as we, his children, were than his audience. However, I can still relate to you as I also have a abusive mother who scapegoated me. She is my primary abuser, just like yours.

[@dancinginthepurplereign4126]

My mom was my primary abuser and she was always on the phone. My dad was a philandering man who had different lives and children and families outside our home. The only time he was at home was when he was sleeping. As I started my healing, I realised thst my dad is also a narcissist. He is a benign and neglectful narcissist. He used to abuse me because I, according to him, didn't have a real job. (I am a creative and have had my own business for years. And I never depended on him for money) One day when he was on his way to one of his secret families, the person was unavailable and my dad had no where to go. He then started to try to get attention from me by critiquing what I did for a living. This is when I realized thst I was being scapegoated by him too. And he used that as an excuse to abuse me. I didn't engage him as I saw thst he was desperate for "supply". He then turned to my younger sister to tell her his repeated stories. Then once his phone went off, the person he was waiting for called, and he left abruptly. How selfish!

[@taniabluebell3099]

@@dakoderii4221 My mom and your father are similar. I experienced that too… my mom would pretend to be a doting mom in public.

[@caobranch]

It makes me so angry to imagine Jay as a sweet little boy, ignored by his parent(s). Imagining that he was actually abused in any way brings tears to my eyes.

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

Me too. He is such a special person, and to treat him otherwise was crimunal.

[@Thysta]

Agree.

[@caobranch]

@@Ariadne76-k3d Yes. Literally makes me sick.

[@caobranch]

@@ThystaYes. It makes me physically ill.

[@lynny5908]

I know he seems like a sincere and intelligent young man whose got a lot of compasion for his patients and himself now. God bless therapists like him whose been hurt themselves but are caring and strong enough to reach out to offer help and care for other sufferers like us all out here.

[@sahra8013]

I would love it if you can talk about narc parents who hide by religion to seem good and justify everything they do.

[@SuzkaMares]

I am experiencing that too. Its brutal. They are so cruel to me yet 'holier than thou' to the outside world.

[@uncleiroh0989]

Your videos make me feel seen in a way I have never felt before. This one, however, made my jaw drop. FINALLY SOMEONE GETS HOW I FEEL!

[@kobra4422]

Teenage years 13-19 were the worst for me. I repressed my true self and identified with labels others gave me, that I am boring, shy, something awful to interact with. When on rare ocassions my real personality had a voice, the vibrant, joyful, confident and enjoying myself, I was electrocuted immediately with wave of negative energy. When I was giggling and being girl-like, I've got envious stares from my peers. I was already sensitive to female rejection so I've decided to never tap into that energy bc that apparently pisses women off. Don't take too much space. Don't think you are too good. Don't take too much air. When I felt I am breathing for a brief second, the attack came from one side or another. It was awesome to realize maybe I am not what I've believed others told me. I tried dancing in my room to find out I like it and I am not such an awful dancer as people told me. I can see bullies being so mad, seeing me happy. "No, she's not allowed to" LOL. "She's only meant to suffer" 🤣. STFU. I am gonna dance like they never existed to begin with 🍾🥂🍹

[@bethmoore7722]

I can certainly relate to what you’ve experienced. Your last sentence is beautiful, and makes me more determined to dance my own dance. Thank you!

[@kobra4422]

@@bethmoore7722 Thank you ! I felt like saying it for a long time. I am over this crap of tiptoe-ing to not accidentally hurt someone's ego and superiority complex. Much love! ❤

[@soniahathaway1]

Jay Reid is so damn right because he experienced parental abuse, but was, thankfully brave and smart enough to figure it all out. Can’t thank him enough for helping me in my journey to recover from my family and some partner abuse. ❤

[@3_m_1_7]

I've made the same observations! Also feeling pressured to conceal the truth about oneself because some other peoples' egos are just larger than life! No more of it! "I'm pretty awesome actually, STFU!"

[@Thysta]

I got a lot of abuse too in teenage years I was always confident though which I guess made my father abuse me even more. I always listened to hiphop which he started to call n***** music I was like go to hell.

[@debbievoss3496]

You have explained shame very well for a scapegoat.

[@quarteracreadventures855]

I am curious about Dr, Reid's own childhood. He really 'gets' it; which leads me to believe that he himself is a survivor. Does anyone know if he has a video where he shares his own story? He has helped me so much; I want to help him feel seen and supported the way he has done for me

[@thereoncewasalassieblue]

His Dad was a narc according to bits he’s said in other videos ~ and yes Jay is such a sweetheart & kind/empathic soul it does seem. Really appreciate him and his work.

[@briandean6658]

Thank you, Jay. Now I understand my fears of rejection if I don't make efforts to be accepted by people. It sure would be nice if I could finally relax around others.

[@rm-pm1bp]

I think I mistook shame for anxiety for many years

[@marthamoreno1539]

Thank you! This is a great illustration of what happens internally to victims of this abuse

[@auroraecho9128]

You just explained so clearly what I have tried to express my whole life. It's heartbreaking and overwhelming and maybe hopeful. Thank you and God bless.

[@stanleydrive740]

Thank you so very much, Dear Jay! It's as if you were with me in my childhood, seeing how my family was. You help me to finally understand why I was invisible! I am overcome with gratitude! 🧡

[@ernarc23]

I often feel like relationships with any narcissist (be it a parent or someone else) is like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" or a scene from "Alien." It's only when you completely dislodge your connection with them and from the disowned self the Narcissist projects into their victim (and the gummy muck they feed into you over the years)--that you have a chance at feeling anything real or discovering who you are. Thank you for these videos, Jay. I can tell you know what victims of such abuse have really lived and endured.

[@mysticsuzi]

I could never figure out how to be 'good' or get love or support so everytime I just came to the conclusion that I was broken. So I just pretended to be as 'normal' as I could. Done with that. I just want to meet. myself and find out who is in there. Been away from family for almost 20 years. Will NEVER see any of them or communicate ever again for a very good reason - they don't deserve to be around me.

[@stanleydrive740]

Very Dear Jay, your teaching feels like a long-needed balm to my worn heart. I am so grateful to you. 💙💙💙💙💙

[@louisegoodman1819]

This is such a perfectly fitting metaphor. I felt actually exactly that way most of the time growing up and beyond , with the dread of reprisal for anything and everything going through my body like an electric current. By the age of 8 or 9 I had a permanent shake so that my teacher would make me put my arms on the desk before starting to write so that I could form letters. I had to hold my right hand with the left one in order to steady myself. So actually less a metaphor than an actual reality in my case. Powerful video, thanks Jay 💕💕💕💕

[@caobranch]

OMG Louise your poor sweet little girl self!!! I want to give her a 🤗 hug.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Louise Goodman much compassion to you ❤️‍🩹

[@whitehorse3828]

I will be 68 in a few weeks & have been surviving, searching, recovering all this time. My father repeatedly sexually molested me beginning at age 3. My mother was a horrible sick person. If anyone showed me any positive healthy attention, she would not allow me to see them again. She hated me and it has been a very difficult life. I pray to God to take me to heaven and that I never want to see my sick mother of sick father ever again! The only positive relationships I have had were with animals. So happy to know this cruel life on Earth is temporary....

[@Alice-jd5oq]

O dear! I can relate to that almost exactly. 😥 Also your feeling to want to go to heaven asap. But please, if you pray to God, pray for a better life here, as long as it’s given to you. And love and enjoy your animals! 🥰 For me, at last, a few weeks ago, my mother died. My father died some years ago. Many horrible memories come up first, but then I let them go. (And cuddle my dog🐕). I think, now at last my time has come. Hope your time too! And of course, they will not be in the same ‘place in heaven’ as you 🤩

[@Alice-jd5oq]

And, I think, the one who wants to go to heaven, is the ’imposter’ in this video. Your real self does not want to die, instead, she wants to live, love and be loved on this earth.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Awful. Xx

[@carolineweaver7923]

There does seem to be so many long-lasting harms from such experiences. Sometimes the ‘scapegoat’ role is imposed within adult relationships upon the survivor of abuse, making it difficult to know who to trust. I wonder a lot about how to avoid (or break the cycle of) such dynamics without avoiding relationships altogether.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Dear White Horse. Much compassion to you. ❤️‍🩹Please try remember who you are - You are you, a ray of God’s own light. Your animals know this, your true spirit knows this and brings you to be with your animals. You have been so deeply betrayed by humans, that in soul wisdom and safeness you have kept open to your animals. And yes some day you will be called to move to another realm and right now you are here, relevant and worthy. -

[@sandramurray8982]

What a fantastic and well explained video. It makes sense of my childhood when for all of my life I have thought there was something wrong with me. Thank you so much for posting these ever week.

[@caobranch]

Well said! You speak for and empower us all.

[@nimrodelbeats]

Jay, your videos feel like you listened to my life story in therapy and then created elaborate full-blown study on scapegoats.

[@lovesings2us]

Wow! The electric chair metaphor is so powerful and liberative for me, as is your whole kind, thrillingly challenging message. Thank you, Jay!🦋

[@onelessowl]

Being in the room with the electric chair and _not_ sitting in it - is what makes us warriors. Keeping yourself occupied as we get scorned by the worthless projected version of ourselves, is the right move to make. I like the grey sweater you're wearing in the video. Keep it grey rock. Peace all.

[@MissSarahGM]

Thank you Jay, your analysis is so accurate and helpful. As far as I can remember, I've always tried to "escape" from myself in so many ways. As if occupying my own seat was such a worthless experience.

[@cynthiae6230]

Or catastrophically dangerous.

[@3_m_1_7]

I'm so impressed with your insight into these dynamics and the way you present them so well! This one was great! Thank you.

[@annastone5624]

I feel sick just hearing this opening.. I’ve always used ‘electrocution’ as the only way I could describe to my therapist what I’d experienced

[@bsimonep5178]

So good to finally understand what happened. I have been so alone and overwhelmed. Greatly appreciate the videos and this channel.

[@fraemme9379]

Thank you, your videos are really insightful! I remember for example that in high school I started writing a diary, and to be honest I didn’t know what to write because I didn’t know what I was feeling, what my desires were, everything seemed almost fake to me, everything was uncertain and confused, as if I wasn’t real. I think it came from the fact that my mum constantly denied all my feelings, telling me what I SHOULD have felt instead, and when I had a problem she tended to minimise it, to say that it was nothing, and then to blame me for bringing up a problem, telling me “Just go to help kids in the hospital instead of being so selfish just thinking about yourself all the time, then you will see what the real problems are”. My father simply constantly ignored me, his talking to me were monologues about his life, and never remembered any detail about mine. Writing, honestly, over the years, made me feel more and more real at least to myself, it seems still a bit awkward and uncomfortable, but I think it is improving.

[@aquariusstar7248]

Hearing you talk about the theone! I actually jad this revelation a few years ago! I said to myself" oh my God, i have allowed other people to dethrone me. Never again will i remove myself or be lured off of my throne again." Thank you, Jay!🙏🏾🙏🏾

[@bethmoore7722]

Jay, every time I watch one of your videos, it’s seems like you’re speaking from your own experience. I really hope not. However, you describe the experience of a scapegoat in the most insightful way I’ve ever encountered. My mother, foil to my monster of a father, made me feel that, if an idea came from me, it was obviously a bad one. My brothers teased me about it, using the words of problematic mother in “The Joy Luck Club.” “Wrong kind”, “wrong kind of daughter.” Yes, she was a eugenicist, and the first time she saw me, did not believe I was hers. It’s a long, twisted Southern gothic story, worthy of William Faulkner. My friends in grad school even called me “Caddie Compson.” Your videos have helped me more than anyone’s I’ve seen. Thank you!

[@Andrea-lp4bb]

Jay is most definitely speaking from his own personal experience. He has mentioned this in a number of his videos

[@jennymason1785]

Thank you for giving words / explanation to my life experience you have helped me have understanding

[@sharonjones7138]

Another excellent video. Thank you Jay. Your work is so important and necessary. It’s helping so many people.

[@warrenbradford2597]

So, to take back the power my narcissistic mother has stolen from me, I must find the courage to sit back on the throne she has made me feared the whole time. I must take my time to discover ways to get comfortable with the throne that belongs to me if I have to.

[@jeanag3279]

This vido is excellent!!! It gave me a much better understanding of the healing process I have been going through. Thank you!!!

[@klarmy8824]

Thank you for this explanation, it helps to hear it in words. This is exactly what happened to me too.

[@mysticlisa369]

Thanks Jay 😇 Your videos on the Scapegoat Child all sound very familiar. Thank God we all eventually grow up and can remove ourselves from the source of all the pain. 🙌💯

[@healingandgrowth-infp4677]

It makes me grateful as I remember all my well treated siblings esp golden children still have to see our abusers

[@fragrenscat9468]

this is so accurate. I have been aware of being like 2 people all of my life. around my lovely partner and friends one person, around my family another. I knew something was very wrong but it wasn't until my partner died and I became involved with what I now know was a narcissist and was so damaged by this that I faced the reality of my childhood... as awful as its been there is a huge relief in understanding this apparent bizarre duality iv always had.... so many thanks for all your amazing wisdom and help

[@Chahlie]

I realised a long time ago that I was a different person among strangers or in foreign places. My constant embarrassment and timidity vanished, I could do public speaking, make friends, be confident. As soon as I was around people my family knew I would blush fiercely and squirm for even daring to speak or be looked at.

[@kdjourney51]

Annihilation. Well described. Good analogy.

[@sinesolesoleo5474]

Thank you so much. This is the best description of my inner horrifying perspective I've ever heard of. I was crying while listening. Thanks to all of your videos and online information I have new hope I can finally - with the support of my therapist - change something inside me for the better.

[@Embers167]

So helpful! Listening to this helped me start off my day on a good note. Also thank you for always stating your qualifications in your videos! With so much misinformation out there today, it’s nice to know I’m listening to a professional who is licensed and trusted on these topics.

[@dakoderii4221]

My dad is "the greatest MLB player of all time" but never played a day in the majors or minors. He watched baseball and football all day long. I ended up living with him the last few years of my teenage life and thought "hey, at least we can play catch or something now." Nope! In 4 years we played catch exactly zero times. Plenty of time for watching sports, gambling, booze, cocaine, and porn though.

[@vicbaker8367]

Whoa!! There’s hardly words to support you, or someone with this history. Such a painful existence! Narcissism and addictive behaviors reek havoc on children. ( Me too, which is why I watched this video). I’m thankful that you are able to find videos like this and start rebuilding your world! I wish you strength.

[@pamwatkins4855]

How sweet you're wonderful

[@DorisDay-n2b]

Jay, your videos have been a saving grace to me. Thank you.

[@stanleydrive740]

This happened to me! Buried in my subconscious, I found that had to abandon my very damaged self to stay alive. I dissociated from my experiences, wasn't present thru my life. Only now am I gradually understanding. Thank you dear Jay, so very very much.

[@whimsylore]

Omg, it's me.

[@carolinevincke6679]

Thank you so much. Huge breakthrough with this image of a projected impostor in my chair...

[@jackidezell3401]

I went through that, and worse. My reaction was to live by the seat of my narc mother. Everything was her way, and I had to give up all of me to get by day by day. As for my mom cleaning, talking on the phone, television, babysitting other kids (even though as a child myself I did most of her work), and her art were all much more important than me. I'd be threatened with abandonment and extreme rage and abuse all forms if I had a need.

[@LisaParkesWildheart]

Wow this is such a powerful visual and to hear you say that we didn’t create that electric chair is healing. Thank you for this video and all your wise words. 😊

[@joellenklemek138]

Thankyou so much for this revelation of how we had to cope by learning to treat ourselves as if we are a separate (separate from our physical self) and devalued-(unwanted, grotesque disgusting, unlovable, disliked, decrepit, worthless, bad, annoying, nuisance, burdensome, offensive) object. The analogy of sitting in the controllers seat/throne of ourselves like being in in and electric chair with continuous painful shame shocks is so relatable. For me, the example you gave of the mom ignoring and then rolling eyes, turning away, and being disgusted by physical human sounds of being alive (clearing throat) is less aligned with my own childhood with an extremely sadistic psychotic paranoid calculated calm fierce ruthless mean quiet stealthy mother. It’s more aligned with my 23 year marriage to a man with Asperger’s who blurts out childish impulsive inappropriate put-downs to me morning moon and night. I came from a brutal scapegoating family (as the family scapegoat) and have gone on to live outside the electric chair of the thrown over myself. I’m hyper focused on what others want and think. And of course I gravitate towards the over controlling over stepping types of people. I will listen to this a few more times in order to get a feel for the tips to help me come back to my thrown and how to start caring about what I think and prioritizing what I want and setting up boundaries to fortify and protect and reject the controlling projecting shame of others including my mentally handicapped abusive husband.

[@cynthiae6230]

Thanks for sharing. I listen to this one repeatedly. Today the tip about being compassionate toward myself was what I needed to hear. Blessings to all 🙏💝🌹🌿

[@Angel_Chi]

Rewatching this helps explain what I’ve been going through since working on this so well. Thanks so much 🙏

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Glad it helped!

[@michignamymichigan]

Get help, get out. Don't spend any more time then needed around them. In the meantime, be kind to you. Keep your plans to yourself. Know you are Loved. Move forward with yourself as your best friend, you are worth it.

[@anikomiles4260]

Cant tell you how glad i am to find your channel. I have a pretty severe case of complex PTSD

[@mugsybalone2286]

Could you do a video linked with this idea about a loss of ambition due to lack of self confidence, conviction and of not wanting to be a target for the narcissist and their avoiding their feelings of shame and triggering their lack. Outs something I’m struggling with recently and trying to come to terms with. I watch all your weekly videos and find them immensely affirming and relevant to my life and experiences. Thanks Jay 🙏

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

This is brilliant. Jay, your way with words is very creative. It’s like part of your gift, your truth. For me, there is a very spiritual part to healing, that’s nothing to do with religion but a lot to do with creativity, quiet, loud or whatever and not creative like typically “talented”

[@annastone5624]

I love all your videos Jay! So succinct, intelligent, on point.

[@kiv_daniels]

I had to do this in order to defend myself. My real self was too loyal and cared about not hurting them.

[@irinamladenoska7539]

This I found out at my age of 52, by the help of a therapist and friends. Thank you!

[@keke7216]

Directionless...Jay you couldn't describe it any better than that...

[@leeboriack8054]

Jay, thank you for your life changing talks and making them available for free to people on the journey of recovery. Thank you for your immeasurable gift of knowledge.

[@markartist8646]

12:00 "Go in and reclaim themselves." I have been doing that with IFS Internal Family Systems therapy. It has been hugely helpful. I recommend it to anyone dealing with Scapegoat or other inner self/child trauma. IMHO.

[@lallyk3945]

I started with an IFS therapist a few months ago. It's been an incredible experience.

[@lorrainew7529]

Thank you 💜

[@PassionateFlower]

THIS!!!!!!! 👆 100%!!!!!!!!!

[@YouknowWhy87]

Pathological projective Identifikation. //// i didnt know theres a term for how i feel 🤯 omg.... I study narcissistic abuse since 2 years this is the first time hearing it thank you

[@brainbomb.]

What you described as the "seat of your self" reminds me of what happened on flight 93.

[@sarahlongstaff5101]

This is incredible! I went from this in childhood to a marriage that was the same way, with my family on the abuser’s side. I’ve been out for 2 years (20 yr marriage) and trying to sort out who I am.

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

Thx Jay great analogy. Just what I needed to hear rn. 🙏

[@SA-ud9nf]

I believe I wrote you a comment sometime ago to let you know I was going to visit my now much older family member and remember I told you that I was so worried about being out there but I will be coming home next week sometime. Everything was okay for a couple of days but after that the usual narc episodes happens. I'm the only one that has always been there more for my parent than my siblings in almost everything. I thank God she has a weekly day caregiver. My sister was here but went home. She was there for a couple of days and she was pretty mean to us, walking ahead of us to, and I cried after she left. I'm'm stressed and exhausted but I love my parent that it is worth it trying to be here and help but I will be glad to get home and rest from from everything. I've got lots of anxiety as well. Hoping all will be well and nothing will happen so I can go home back to my city and rest. I've been looking at your videos and others to maintain my sanity. it's amazing because I am stronger and able to understand what's going on in order to not feel so bad from anything mom says or does but unfortunately I still find some of it is stressful and I'm very overwhelmed. Thank you kindly and God bless you.

[@universaltruth2025]

Really relate to this. My father was a narcissist but it was my older brother that did the most damage. My father wasn’t that bright so I didn’t really internalise what he said but just grew to hate him. But I put my older brother on a pedestal - as a substitute I guess, not realising he was a narcissist as well but more toxic because he was more intelligent and nasty. He dumped his contempt onto me right from an early age and as he was 4 years older always had the advantage. I’m still trying to recover but everytime I come across yet another narcissist I get knocked back yet again. I keep trusting people but my judgment is TERRIBLE. I really have to learn to be wary of everyone I come across. I am a very slow learner.

[@nancylpr]

Thank you Jay. You have described the seat I was assigned better than anyone. I wish I lived in California. I’d be making a regular appointment. Please train as many therapists as you can. ❤

[@marybethray9481]

For a long time, I've pondered when I got dissuaded from my authentic seat of self. I had a chance to sit on the throne. I went to the college of my heart's desire, a pricey private school. When there was no one but my mom and me on the telephone line when I called home freshman year, she would say, "You are ruining this family. We cannot afford this school you chose." I started not going to class and bullying a disabled person in my dorm, behavior very unlike me for which I have guilty anguish to this day. I dropped out of school and started working full time. I don't think I tried to sit in the seat ever again.

[@stanleydrive740]

Wish I could give you a hug, Jay! This video is exactly, exactly what I felt as a kid!

[@critchie]

Holy Hell, This is really good, Jay. This metaphor is perfect, often described in a base chakra, “root chakra” concept, which I find too elusive, I don’t find that way of explaining it helpful. The idea of “the seat of oneself” makes perfect sense, and that my Narc Parent was constantly knocking me out of that seat, and keeping me from getting comfortable in that seat (thus maintaining her dominion/control) is exactly right. (My Narc also spent hours on the phone, taking very little interest in my boring life, and making me the audience of her recounting every detail of the most interesting stranger that “fed her” that day.) Not “occupying one’s seat” leads to serious health issues. The electric chair is real.

[@rosemaryhaddon595]

Thank you so much, Jay, for this very insightful talk. And thank you for confirming what I spent a lot of my life struggling to understand and to do. I try to remind myself that I can release the shame you discuss and that it is all right to return to the seat of who I am. It's a hard slog, but good to know there are others with the same experience who on the same journey as I am.

[@juneelle370]

My Fridays have started being a healing day… listening to your videos and alternating with music and movement… to sort of solidify in an energetic way it somehow has to be embodied for me… you have to move in it, all the new perceptions and rightful angles of understanding morality that includes ourselves … so many things come up with this one, I can’t even speak on it, just feel and see… in some ways I did, in some ways I didn’t… I love your metaphors… because of all these illuminations, I see I’m way more messed up than I thought I was (because I see so much more of what I went through in proper place and also how it affected my life… always knew the facts and the pain but not the proper context of feeling and meaning and understanding myself) 😂 however the closest ever in my life to greater and greater healing, it’s building in me despite circumstances… the new structure of understanding myself and my life and how to move forward every day… these truths exposed are not only so clear, they’re terrible and extremely interesting to me as well… it’s the biggest problem of the human condition… positively tragic at a practically Shakespearean level… absolutely fallen families nearly everywhere… or at least somewhat fallen in too many wheres. I’m trying and succeeding at seeing the beauty of it, in the poetic preciousness of lessons learned from my life (so many freshly unlocked by these teachings) , the jewels to bring into the now and remember… and honor ourselves too for what we went through until we knew. 🌦️💙☁️ I’m getting stronger in some ways and not feeling guilty about it

[@simonehoogervorst8495]

Thank you Jay. You explain so well. I recognize so much from my own family and the crazy making madness of my narcissist mother. I hope to heal and recover. Keep on doing the good work please!

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

You are so welcome

[@greggpatten2165]

Jay this is really a well put together piece. It describes my experience very well, including the "tenacity with which the scapegoat will pursue getting their self back together". Thanks.

[@johnjohnstone9805]

That's a good talk no-one has put it like that before but it absolutely resonates. So if one has been unseated in childhood there seems to be only two basics directions thereafter, 1. Find a away to live comfortably with distractions and or consolations avoid the inherent suffering, as best you can or2. The braver path back to the true seat of yourself. The hero's journey. In history it seems a lonely path rarely successful. Do you think it's more possible nowadays with the internet and everything? a growing health consciousness.

[@MissSarahGM]

Can an unaware scapegoat of a narcissistic parent identify to the shame that was projected onto them, and never "wake up" to the nature of the abuse? My ex boyfriend fits that description, although his family looks "nice" from outside, the mother is terribly controlling, self-centered and lacks empathy. But my ex doesn't seem to see the forest for the trees, despite his ADHD, OCD and low self-worth. He is so enmeshed in the family cult, that I came last and my love for him seemed to feel "suspicious" and unvalued. He finally dumped me and the mother consolidated his doubts. He now lives at his parents, at 40. Do some adult children never connect the dots and remain stuck in their family, as the broken one? Unable to make it on his own and create deeper bonds outside of the family?

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Sarah, I think yes, he has enough labels to keep him down. There’s a guy called Dr Ross Green- he has a website- Lives in the Balance and a book The explosive child. It’s a vulnerable place to be in a healthy family never mind the one you described. Sometimes the loss we see is not seen by the other person and this is hard, I know I’ve tried way too hard with stuff like this in the past. It’s tough, compassion to you and your relationship with your boyfriend is a loss for you.

[@shobhnakapoor1399]

Yes, it's called projective identification

[@vicbaker8367]

Apparently this is fairly common. Children who were abused but don’t realize it because no bones were broken. They are unable to separate from their mother ( whom they dislike , but desperately want her approval ) , and spend their lives devaluing and removing themselves from wives or other female relationships- They attack the wrong woman in an attempt to alleviate the pain caused by mom. My ex did the same. He said he had the perfect childhood, but he also admitted his mother never talked to him, and his dad didn’t parent. As a child, he had no friends. Sam Vaknim, KZbin, did videos a couple years ago concerning this. He has good information!)

[@MissSarahGM]

@@vicbaker8367 Thank you. Sorry you experienced something similar. I guess he had some knowing, complaining about how controlling the mother was and how cold the father was. He said jokingly his mother "talks a lot", for me, it reminded me of my narcissistic father, and the word salad to keep our full attention. But that's how much awareness he has. When I pointed at the fact he was too dependent on them, and like a man child. He agreed full of shame, even talked about his shame often. Having OCD, he asked her for advise and was his confidant. So I wasn't sure that is what an abused scapegoated adult child would do. And also there is no visible rivalry between siblings. My ex admires his older sister for being wealthy and her grand lifestyle (quite narcissistic herself), and compares himself negatively to them, as if he's the "loser". He was given money for help, so maybe that's a way for them to maintain narc supply.. Indeed, like you said, the anger was addressed to the wrong woman. Although I adored him and only wanted to respect and love him, he had avoidant behaviours (running to the parents), feeling smothered by my "expectations", even when I asked him questions to get to know him, he had fearful defiant reactions, didn't want to share himself. I remember one time, I was in a playful mood and wanted to dance with him, and he looked suspicious, pushing me away, "No you want to seduce me".. I went "of course I want to seduce you, I'm your girlfriend!". Now it makes me think of emotional incest symptoms. When I met with his mother alone for the first time, she shared all her life story, presented herself as a martyr mother with alcoholic husband, with no other solution than having an affair because of neglect when she was younger. She spilled sensitive details about my ex's siblings, and talked about him as if he's not normal because of ADHD and can't make decisions (OCD). She knew everything about his life, absence of serious girlfriends before me, employers etc... And she was patronising saying we should spend less time together because that was too much for him. I was shocked when she mentioned her still active sex life with the father... Pretty inappropriate.. This all gave me a vibe of NPD. It is tragic he took the decision that goes against evolution and healing, dumping me and going back to them. I guess there is nothing I could have done. Maybe sending him one of Jay's video if he contacted me.

[@MissSarahGM]

Thank you, Mellie. It is heartbreaking to have lost him, and knowing he stays in the familiar toxic zone. And denied his own needs in favour of the perverse loyalty to family. As if he committed to me, he'd lose his place in the system.

[@jawnsolo0]

This video hit home like Barry Bonds

[@leeboriack8054]

Jay, thank you for creating your life changing videos with straight forward information that is easy to understand and use!

[@dark7angel456]

I hated my life because of my family/parents, my mind doesnt feel like my OWN, but they're extension it is horrible. I have alot going for me in life but cant escape this Psycological Hell yet. I'm 34 and still trying to HEAL... I hate my parents, tormenting, they are so toxic that I hate myself and lost myself... 😪

[@cardisea]

Diamonds