Discovering it is safe to put your own happiness first after narcissistic abuse

In this video I discuss how a child with a narcissistic parent, arrives at the conclusion that safety depends on paying attention to the narcissistic parent before oneself. I then discuss how one can introduce safety and then be able to put one's happiness first.
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[@janettemartin4604]

They make you crazy and belligerent and then when someone is watching they get empathy for having to HANDLE YOU!

[@pelletier4432]

Yep, and even if you tried to tell your truth no one can see. You nailed it.

[@Maria-it2qy]

Oh my God! This is so true!! I thought it was unique to my mom!

[@marybethray9481]

Yes, my mother did this, too.

[@reginapolo3357]

That was always my situation until i walked away from it all!!! Best thing I did in my life

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

That’s the hallmark of covert narcissism: it’s invisible to others

[@rs5570]

The more miserable I was the happier they were. Literally.

[@kathleengalek4441]

Yes they loved when I was sick with anything!

[@jenaya_laila2442]

The worst part is that even people who know about your abuse don't understand the anxiety and nervous system problems due to living with constant threat...

[@starseeds8121]

Very true.

[@Jess-yp9fo]

Yup. I used to have panic disorder bc of the abuse

[@Daniel-nh3qr]

We understand. Keep moving forward, the possibilities are endless. 😊

[@amandakropen3273]

So true. My mother was happiest when I was having the worst times of life.

[@me-jt5qc]

This is such an important video for me. I understand now why I always sabotaged my opportunities for success, happiness and relationships with people I liked. All my family were abusive and I now can see how I came to believe that EVERYONE would be angry if I was happy and I'd be blamed for their unhappiness. A happy scapegoat is of no use! I have always feared having any joy in my life so I ensure that I don't. Such treatment of a child is the polar opposite of nurturing. Thanks Jay

[@peggystewart6390]

I can so relate. I still...Self-Sabatoge! God, I need help.🙏

[@OnlyOneName]

Same. Fear of being happy is a real obstacle.

[@HeavyJ318]

Thank you for writing this. I learned more about myself reading it.

[@taliajournee212]

This statement is my actual experience with my family. It's as if everyone is in on the joke but you. Waking up out of the coma is magical, not giving a f*** about what these people think and just living life is one of the most freeing things I've ever felt. The chains are off and they look pathetic.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Agree. It is the opposite of nurturing; it is soul destruction.

[@maryroot2599]

My whole life just shifted dramatically.

[@Katiegirlluv]

"It's only when I'm bereft of happiness and pride does the scapegoat get the relief of the parent's contempt. "💔

[@maxahissou7574]

Imagine how wicked and evil?! God loves you and God bless you!

[@girlbythebeach]

I learnt so early on to put myself second to my narc parent. Then I just put my happiness and emotional needs second to everyone, and I didn’t properly learn to listen to myself. I had a therapist talk about my emotional well-being, and honestly, it was the first time in my life that I had thought about having emotional well-being and being allowed to put myself first. I was 40. I’m still learning

[@peggystewart6390]

I was brought up in very traumatic, chaotic, childhood with a lot of terrible stuff happened. 😢 I ran away @17 and married into "unbelievably " a more TOXIC man..and his family, we lived with them, and I am 60 today. The man I married TWICE! Dear God. I have allowed myself to be used, and abused. I am now single, live alone with my dog. But I still have trouble settimg boundaries. I genuinely feel isolated and alone. Been on my own for over 3 year's. No longer being abused by Ex-Narc. He divorced me 2nd time. I had a toxic gallbladder. A lot of sickness. He'd kick me in stomach, because I'd wake throwing up. Told me: " I'm really tired of you being sick. I'm nearing retirement,and deserve to have some fun in life." He convinced most people, including our daughter's and son-in-laws that I was psychotic, and hypochondriac. I had gallbladder surgery. Surgeon said gallbladder was nasty. I've healed a lot physically, but am still struggling 😪 emotionally. Have severe Complex PTSD, panic & anxiety, depression, extreme loneliness. I have been disabled since 1998. He got the home, most everything. The worst 😫 is not seeing my oldest daughter & son-in-law's children. My two granddaughters. Alienated from them for past 6 or 7 year's. I appreciate your wisdom. 😇

[@tnt01]

Many great years ahead of you. Focus on yourself. Hugs.@@peggystewart6390

[@starseeds8121]

I can relate.

[@dougcoleman8972]

I'm 39 and coming to same realization, it's sad

[@starseeds8121]

@@dougcoleman8972 it is sad as I find myself in the same position.

[@winterqueenkel]

It's like you had a camera watching my life...blows my mind

[@krystalhaugland]

So grateful for this validation after decades of not understanding what I went through. I spent so many years thinking I just had this crazy, evil, sick, miserable "mother" that nobody else could possibly understand in a million years.

[@mysticrose3543]

This is all true. When I turned my attention to my life- because I was 32 and HAD MY OWN CHILD to take care of, my mother literally started reporting me for a crime I didn't commit, spread untrue rumors about me, encourage my administrators to harass me- which they did- and stalk/ harass me for long periods of time. At some point I said to her, " You're obsessed with me like a guy would be and it's creepy". Then I went to the police to get a restraining order. It felt" yuccy" and gross. My aunt, siblings, and other relatives were involved in this stalking behavior towards me. It was so bizarre. My mother died of cancer last month and I was so relieved. I have no contact with the others. They're losers and refuse to address their own addictions/ issues.They target me because it gives them something in common and literally, something to talk about.

[@PowWowDAO]

That's A LOT! DAMN. i've gone no contact on all family a year ago. I'm also a solo parent. A few emails have come through from family members threatening to call cops on me/missing persons report. Any advice?

[@taniabluebell3099]

My mother embodied overt disdain. She would regularly call me and my siblings selfish. It was difficult to gauge what was appropriate and inappropriate because she would assign the most innocuous things as selfish. What caused more internal conflict was my mom expected us to act confident and decisive in front of her peers. This was in contrast to her belittling us behind closed doors. She'd often put us on the spot in front of her peers to give the impression that she was a good mother. I was often like a deer in the headlights and I knew I'd hear about my "performance" later behind closed doors.

[@annewoods3528]

My mother told us her coworker said she must be a saint because she had to raise 3 kids incarnated from devil. She kept reminding us how to remember her birthday and what she liked. She was so sick, it tells me how sick the environment I grew up in because no one intervened.

[@demelzapoldark3035]

Taniabluebell....I hear you, sister. I had 2 Narc Personality Disorder parents. Dad entertained business people & would invite them over for dinner & drinks. Dad was the ultimate charismatic & both of them understood how to PREVENT to communicate properly, talk AND LISTEN, be interested in the other people, empathetic, engaged in conversation, etc. I was brought out like a 'show pony' to play piano and to be bragged on by mom and dad which was the complete opposite of raging tirrades, constant criticism, them both arguing about nothing, etc. (This is the real NPD. The 'nice NPD' is just acting....all NPDs could win Grammys) You may recognize this part: Mom and dad fighting like cats and dogs, headlights of company parking in the driveway, argument turned off like a light switch and they communicate last second preparations for food / drinks and become the opposite of what you deal with when nobody is around. It was like living in 'Bizarro World'. Narcissistic Personality Disorder are truly sick, evil people who believe they are perfect and have zero conscience. They are not fit to be around at all. Jay Reids channel is helping me a LOT. Check out older videos from Kim Wilson TV, too, if language doesn't bother you. Kim has a way of telling it like it is about NPD and validating you as a wonderful person. This is truly why we were targets. LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE.

[@reginapolo3357]

As an older person, I always though that my mother was jelous of my accomplishment and that she seem content during the time when not a lot was going on with my life, or when things didn't go well

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

There are do many ways these parents hold us back as adults. They keep us from going after our dreams and experiencing any happiness. I wasted so many years of my life dealing with it. 😒 So grateful for online therapy and channels like this to help me move forward

[@nuthinbutluv4u142]

This 100%. You're the first person to address this conditioning. Unfortunately it varies into adult life and is intrinsic in future relationships. Then others without this experience cannot understand why the pt cannot step away and put themselves first. Years and years of training during childhood are hard if not impossible to eradicate.

[@lydiarosebrita4901]

I am learning how to think of myself before others, it is like working a muscle and does feel very strange but I am becoming more confident about intervening in situations based on how the experience is for me, regardless of how others may experience things. I'm finding work a lot less anxiety inducing - mainly due to less obsessing about making mistakes! And I find myself being my own advocate in my life and not spending time with people I don't want to, not even any particular reason purely if it's not my preference. It's very strange but I'm sure I'll get used to it!! Thanks for you insight :)

[@onelife7247]

Yup. One of the biggest mistakes I made with my biological mother is encouraging her to explore the origin of her low self-esteem. It was clear she was jealous of her kids for different reasons subject to each of our achievements and individual characters. Rather than look at her own self-esteem, she has dedicated decades to pitting us all against each other and when I withdrew from the dysfunction, she enlisted my daughter, my only child and her first grandchild as her new minion/emotional punchbag/ servant.

[@kassiapencek6185]

Man your good! I love that this platform let's people like you shine. Ideally a school system reaches out to you to incorporate your talent/honed on skills to elevate the children to both learn early as well as heal. Obviously your zoned in for us adults. Thanks for your honorable work.

[@sarahwaling1562]

Immeasurably valuable. I don't know anyone who explains it all better, does a deep dive, and offers what you do on this topic. .I am just blown away on Sundays. I hope thank yous don't get old Jay lol

[@charissaschalk5175]

I can SO identify with that wave analogy!! It's true, though. I have found I CAN'T give up, and as I move forward, even my 'bad' times now are better than my best times 20 years ago! I also want to add that yesterday I had opportunity to make good use of your old video on shame. I was watching an excellent recovery video from Patrick Teahan, and something he said reminded me of something dysfunctional I'd done a year ago. Happily for me, it took only five minutes or so yesterday for me to realize that I was being swamped by shame, that it was making me feel unworthy, and that it would get worse if I paid attention to it. So yesterday I just acknowledged the shame, acknowledged what I had done, congratulated myself that I had course-corrected immediately at the time (which I had, as soon as someone called me on my behavior), and then sat down at my keyboard and started practicing a cool song I'd composed a few years ago. Within ten minutes or so, the shame was entirely gone. So, as always, thanks for your help! Your work has made a big difference in my life over the past year, and I really appreciate it!

[@pelletier4432]

Love this, what a great example and congrats on showing up for yourself!

[@angelakh4147]

I can so relate to what you are saying! We are making great progress!

[@mrdjpee-yn8oc]

While reading your comment I felt my heart leap and do the happy dance for you!! Because I understand and because I'm so very proud of you! Because you are, as I am, I believe, discovering who we really are, who we always and authentically are! 🙂

[@starseeds8121]

@@angelakh4147 yes we are.

[@starseeds8121]

@@mrdjpee-yn8oc yes.

[@Maria-it2qy]

Jay, as usual this was so helpful. I wait every Sunday at 6pm European time and give myself this treat of therapy by you. I am very grateful. The topic today is also very spot on. I was just working on this today myself. Thank you for being there...

[@firehorse9996]

Bonjour from France! Yes I also look forward to Sunday night and finding a new video from Jay. Gives me a great opportunity to reflect and mentally prepare for the week ahead. Thank you Jay and to all the people here. I LOVE reading the comments!

[@fluffyclouds555]

I feel so completely understood in these words. I’m emotional listening to them. The daily intricacies of my experience, like the way that I carefully craft my emails so as not to rub anyone the wrong way..many would not understand this, but you do.

[@story7088]

Jay, with the winter holidays approaching, I am guessing I am not the only one experiencing an increased intensity of attention from family to try to pressure/lure me home just as I’m seeking to assert my space and boundaries. Any videos around this topic would be well timed and very helpful. Thanks for all you’re doing.

[@goldieh7121]

I agree, I would also like Jay to talk about this.

[@Chahlie]

I finally learned to just say "No I am not going" Then refuse to discuss. Now I have no contact at all :)

[@rachelwilson4826]

Yes please!

[@demelzapoldark3035]

Grown child of 2 Narc Parents here. Narcissistic Personality Disorder people: picture every time they open their mouth they're vomiting really smelly diarrhea all over you. If they're pretending to be nice it's just an act so you're drawn in so they can spew all over you at some point. They never change because they do not possess a conscience. You are wonderful, bright, intelligent, fun, and talented. Stay away from human anchors. Be your own cheerleader, out loud affirm yourself as Marisa Peer says. Make your home inside yourself so nobody can take home away from you when they leave. Let your light shine and sparkle. Music therapy, art therapy. Live.

[@DagmarAmrein]

I do this all the time! Write a text or email, for work or the few friends I have and analyze over and over every word! Yet, I am highly respected and often praised at work, yet I feel so insecure, envision myself getting fired over the slightest error. I have been doing EMDR for 3 years now, and your videos have been such a wonderful supplement to my recovery.Thank you for all that you do!!!!

[@authorgirl93]

Your videos are invaluable!! I definitely find gradual changes work for me and I try and do one small thing everyday that is totally for me and noone else and once in a while it's a really big thing!! But like if something wasn't in stock in a shop I'd be too scared to take the risk to advocate for myself and the other day I got a great shirt because I took the risk to actually ask people in the shop for what I wanted. It was like a magic trick!! I feel like abuse made me feel like I was in this cruel unhelpful world and now I can't believe how helpful and kind people are and all of the possibilities! I feel like the further I get from the abuse the more I realise it was all lies! :)

[@steffi5945]

Wise words.

[@starseeds8121]

Congratulations.

[@dark7angel456]

I used to feel like that. So I would just ask people at stores. But now I have different narc problems, like their insults and gossip and hatred and anxiety from not feeling accepted.

[@CDiG1977]

Your material is worth so much more than you are charging on your site! I've never had such clarity around what I went through as I have since discovering your videos. PRICELESS. I love the line about living in opposition to the narcissists's rules. Now I get why I have such strong resistance to doing things that are "fun", to being present in my body (yoga), to accepting help or offers of friendship, and more. When I encounter that resistance and remind myself that it was implanted by the narcissist who didn't want me to have all those good things, and that I can actively resist her influence by doing them, it makes it so much easier to do them. It's an act of rebellion against her tyranny every time I act like I deserve good things.

[@peterbuckley9731]

Well said

[@janettemartin4604]

My Mother would SCREAM at me if I complained OR asked for help against my psycho sister. She would hang up on me if I called her at work UNLESS I had another adult involved then A parent would rush home. Otherwise both were ABSENT!

[@angelakh4147]

We deserved so much better…..

[@rachelwilson4826]

Gosh you really are such a help and resource for people like me that have been scapegoated by narcissistic parents . Thank you

[@angelakh4147]

Thank you so much for your work and sharing it on this platform. I am getting more accustomed to putting myself first. It’s hard some days. I realized while listening to you today that I am doing a really good job of it today. I’m getting better!

[@alanpeterson4205]

You really hit the nail on the head with this one Jay.. and perfectly timed for what I am going through recovering from a lifetime of sadistic narcissistic abuse from my father. Also in the equation is the alignment of my brothers as "trained assassins" doing his bidding against any acknowledgment, accountability or evolution in our family. I just recently realized that my lifelong association with alcohol and my inability to get a handle on being just moderate with it comes from what I now am calling "the shame cycle". I've become aware that the repeated abuse is a kind of self punishment that keeps me in a loop of shame and guilt. Any attempt at quitting brings up danger signals in the form of anxiety which I respond to with more drinking. With regards to the subject of your video, my survival depended on showing shame and appearing small, because I "beat him to the punch" by punishing myself and then I would escape his wrath. Other ways I survived were to trick him by having props at my disposal, like a book or my school binder that I could quickly grab to show that I was "working" when he came into my bedroom. I also engineered hiding places "forts" where I could secretly hide from him the way a little animal hides from a predator. I made a platform in our tree in the front yard where the boughs of the tree hid me as I observed HIM. I also made a fort out of cardboard where I consolidated storage boxes into fewer boxes and in their place I put a facade of cardboard that I hid behind. I peered out of a little peephole. I derived so much pleasure out of tricking that bastard and taking some power and control.

[@stanleydrive740]

Dear Jay, I wish I could hit the "like" button a thousand times. This video describes my family! You have answered questions I've struggled with since pre-school days! I am so grateful. Please accept a long-distance hug🧡

[@TheBlackSheepDiaries]

Great information and video as always Jay! I moved to another state at age 20, restarted my life, and lived for my own happiness. It was awesome, and I came home for visits only on major holidays. My mistake was moving back to my home state after 10 years and having my own child. I wanted my son to be closer to his grandparents. Huge mistake! Should have kept that distance I had chosen for myself. Everything that could have possibly gone wrong did go wrong. Both my son and I have been in a No Contact situation with the entire family now for over 10 years. There's a line from Gatsby, something like "they're a rotten bunch, you're better than the lot of them". Love that one.

[@goldieh7121]

So sorry you had to go through that, but kudos to you recognizing it and getting away. Society puts such an emphasis on staying close to family, but many people don't understand how unhealthy some relationship dynamics are.

[@TheBlackSheepDiaries]

@@goldieh7121 Thanks so much my friend. The No Contact situation was forced on me really, I had finally called out some bad behavior. I'm assuming you know that a narc will stop at nothing to be rid of a person standing up to their madness. My son was starting college when I went NC. I forced him to continue his relationship with them, they are very wealthy, I wanted him to be OK when I found myself on the check-out counter. After a cpl years, he bowed out too. I was angry. He simply said "they don't care about me, I know it, they're fake people and I'm through too". I was utterly shocked. We live together again now, he runs my business of over 20 years, and makes me proud every day. We don't have much, but we have enough and each other. I count myself a very lucky man. I hope you are doing great and have not been forced to endure some of these hardships my friend. Stay strong out there.

[@goldieh7121]

@@TheBlackSheepDiaries Thanks! I think it says a lot that both of you chose your happiness over money. You stay strong also!

[@reginapolo3357]

I too moved away. But you never stopped loving your mother, so yes, as time goes by, you tend to gravitate towards that hope of a good family relationship. I kept in touch but when I retired at the age of 52, I came back home......HUGE MISTAKE....huge huge huge mistake. Young people reading this, please!!! take head. Be strong.

[@TheBlackSheepDiaries]

@@reginapolo3357 So sorry to see this friend. My mother was an angel when I was a kid. The best. So yes, I will always love her. But she has changed over the years, her heart has been hardened. I still feel badly for her, because I have learned something recently that's pretty frightening. She was an only child, her dad was a decorated war veteran and highly active and popular in the community of the small town where my parents grew up. He mysteriously died while we were in town visiting when I was 3. I was his 1st grandchild and they always said I was his pride and joy. I was told he dropped dead in the front yard of a heart attack at age 45, playing with me. His death meant my father, the extremely physically abusive narc, had full control of everything, having to answer to no-one. I did some research recently. The facts are a lil different, and have raised some disturbing questions about how and why things have turned out as they have. I worry now about my mothers safety, even though she doesn't care to speak with me. When I left, I left the door open on their end, no-one in the family has stepped through it in over 10 years. I'm pretty sure I know what happened, but it matters not, as I'm an old man now and these are matters of the far away past. Wishing you the best Regina, big hugs from someone that cares.

[@story7088]

This info couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you

[@nashawad1314]

I don’t think you know how you are saving the world for people like me you’re a hero thank you for doing this may God bless you & reward you ❤

[@schmittyschmit4599]

Jay, I recently found your channel and it has been very beneficial in my life. Recently, I received an ultimatum from my father (the enabler) saying that if I could not make amends with my (narcissistic) mother, I should not call him or expect calls from him. They would never come visit me where I live down in Florida and that that was a promise, and that my spouse and I would be blocked from my little sisters communication accounts to avoid my negative influence and until my conflict with my mother was fixed. They also dislike my spouse and think my boundary setting is because of his negative influence and brainwashing. I spoke with my mother and she believes that I have changed for the worst, that I used to not be the way I am now, and that someone is putting ideas in my head. It did not matter how I try to meet her halfway or find common ground, I was in the wrong and the ultimatum was well deserved.

[@anz10]

They always use that line "someone putting ideas into your head" because they cant possibly imagine you can think for yourself 🙄 it's a classic line I heard from my parents growing up because any opinion that I had that was different from theirs was clearly not something I could have thought up myself. I would just ignore these accusations and get on with my life, it's pointless engaging and they must realise that they are losing their hold over you so will try to blame an external someone or something because you couldnt possibly think ill of them in any way because in their eyes they are perfect and if you dont think so too you've been led astray. I would just ignore them and be happy you can move on with your life unlike some people who have narcs who never leave them alone even long after because they cant take the rejection.

[@priyamadappa1]

I have observed that my focus and attention on myself and also around people with conscience has brought me clarity, responsibility, reciprocity and peace

[@jenaya_laila2442]

That 100% attention thing when they are talking and not even daring to drink is my experience with my mom, dad, grandmother and ESPECIALLY husband...I have conveyed that to EVERYONE zi speak to now..That's why I can't have dinner with strangers because you talk AND eat...

[@sherylscott6429]

Life changing videos, giving the much needed answers to the crazy making upbringing!! Bought your book and have been able to put your techniques into practice and move forward without all the guilt! Changed from a scapegoat to a thriving happy human! Can’t thank you enough Jay for all of your videos and book! ❤❤❤

[@williamdemarrais8318]

am 65 and have been in therapy (including medications) for 30 years. I have felt little emotional connection to my therapists during those years. Jay, I like your program and getting great insight . I am so happy and grateful that I found your program.

[@trishellis1908]

Thank you so much for this explanation. “It's only when I'm bereft of happiness, pride, and enjoyment of my life do I experience relief from my narcissistic parent's contempt for me." This was my childhood and adulthood. Always trying to please my mom. Having to hide my joy and success so that I would not be attacked by her. She had our whole family trained to forgo our needs to make her feel superior. This video was extremely helpful in helping me understand how my brain was conditioned to feel unsafe in an equal or superior perspective. A big part of these dynamics had caused me to be hyper aware and on alert for the expectation of judgement and criticism. Nothing was ever good enough for my mom. My mind is relearning that caring for my own needs is safe. Thanks again! ❤

[@TheMilwaukeeProtocol]

"Collapsed in the face of this unending adversity." That feeling of hopelessness is a breeding ground for suicide, for simply no reason other than to just make it stop. The person may really want to live but the pain is too high. I really appreciate your videos and I think I'm somehow climbing out of those troughs. I think it's only because I found a spouse who wasn't part of the narcissistic ecosystem. I'm not saying it's his responsibility to help me. I'm saying I have a safe space inside my home.

[@louisegoodman1819]

After years of not so helpful, in fact counterproductive therapy , I finally started to trust myself enough to follow my own intuition( I’m 72! ). But I still needed someone else to tell me whether it was safe to actualise myself. I had started to notice for example that every time I went to my studio my IBS would get triggered and so I would be scared to fulfill myself by creating. You gave me the answer ! Priceless! One of the failures of therapy ,possibly because the discoveries about the brain are relatively recent, was the ignorance of the role of the nervous system in both the abuse and the recovery, which I have started to understand watching videos, so that because using my mind/ frontal cortex was not enough , made me feel like a therapy failure.And thus in spite of my intelligence, depth and motivation. Your work is phenomenal and reinforcing that the measures I started to take intuitively are indeed valid and significant! Thank you so much!

[@gheles]

Thank you ,very good video and very helpful I think that at the core of every narcissistic relationship they see you as a part of their narrative,not prioritizing you as a separate being.

[@goldieh7121]

Funny that you mentioned the word narrative. I literally had this thought yesterday and wrote it down in my journal..."My parents like to control the narrative by being the responsible and functional ones, and by doing for others.". Jay's comment section is so helpful and validating because of comments like yours.

[@goldieh7121]

And, yes, because of not seeing me as a separate being, I have found that I only see myself through the eyes of others. Learning to see through my eyes feels good, but so wrong and foreign at the same time, like I'm going to be called out on it any moment.

[@gheles]

@@goldieh7121 yes ,I know the same feelings of seeing myself through the eyes of others, always puting their needs before mine, educating myself about narcissistic abuse has been key in my way to recovery💕

[@starseeds8121]

@@goldieh7121 I agree.

[@starseeds8121]

@@goldieh7121 I understand.

[@lizzarts]

Your videos are very educational. It doesn't trigger those heavy emotions. The focus is less on the narcissist and more on my healing and understanding. I needed this. Thank you

[@blackduck9867]

Very interesting video, thank you. I find myself in trouble putting my own happiness first, narcissistic abusers all the time suffer when I put my happiness first play victims, and I have that religious indoctrination rules that my duty is to help, pacify, soothe, remove suffering from victims. Pacify other person synonymous remove suffering - and here kicks in religious spiritual indoctrination laws and rules fueling my codependency - people pleasing - pacifying. They suffer out of envy, jealousy, lack of control and lack of worship when Ie get autonomous, successful, happy etc. They suffer and play victim - and here goes religious abuse which encourages pacifying, pleasing - in new age and esoteric there is a dogma that you are suffering when anyone other is suffering - all connected, all united bla bla bla! Here comes hyper vigilance to other people emotions venerated by religion, and if you are highly sensitive person you feel their suffering their crocodile tears. Once attend public lecture of Dalai lama he openly claimed that person allowed to have strong self only if he or she help other people (help that means remove suffering, please, pacify). No self-allowed without helping, pleasing, removing suffering from other people. And here that conflict when I’m doing well narcissist suffer, under that religious-spiritual dogmas I’m obligated to remove their suffering by sacrificing self. If I refuse get blamed and shamed and attacked for not following wisdom of all reincarnation law of universe and bla bla bla, and narcissist gather army of that religious, spiritual enabler to attack me - to bully me in to pleasing them, removing their suffering, they are suffering victim and I refuse to save them as religion teaches! Attack that am selfish, not altruistic, not caring, not loving not god obedient, not forgiving appeal to all lofty ideals possible just to get their way. Smear by that appeal to religion and spirituality use scare tactics that god, universe will punish, and I deep inside fear that and feel myself deserving cruel punishment and bad luck for putting my happiness first having self. Very confusing, literally bully me in to pacifying pleasing them. How to deal with that? Feels as some trap or something. Get caught and stuck there all the time, need help.

[@elizabethblakey4285]

Thank you for this video. It is safe to put ourselves in the center. Take time to practice this centering, a little bit at a time as we train ourselves to be self-directed, safe and most of all HAPPY!! Sending good vibes to Jay and this community!!

[@helenheggadon6324]

I do it still now in my relationship. If my partner is unhappy, I take on a sense of being unhappy with myself in an attempt to make their pain less. It’s so damaging. Lately I have been raising my chin slightly and pulling my shoulders back when I am around an unhappy person. I still listen and have empathy, but creating a physical message that I am ok and I am strong and I don’t need to cower myself down to alleviate another’s pain. People are entitled to their pain and it’s not my job to manage it or carry it. It’s theirs. Not mine. My NM was disabled. If she was in pain I’d take that on. I’d limp with her! I’d take time off school and have belly ache. THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME! I feel like I’ve have wasted so much of my life I day dream about rewinding it.

[@Adrian-Diane-Jernigan]

A lot of this is starting to make sense, but I had to narcissistic parents. My father was the more selfish with my mother, the covert he was never good enough.. when I was four I was my daddy‘s baby girl he was my hero. He would bring me home to my grandparents. We had a special time. I had two older sisters that were in school and then my brother was born and then, when I remain media my fathers attention, he turned away from me, which created a core band them. It will not affect me throughout my life. I always thought he was a source of my lack of identity insecurity.. he died when I was 32, which let me into a dark Knight of the soul that last 20 years I won’t even go into it, but I return home to my mother and became her caregiver. She died five years ago and said Stan sent a battle with my narcissistic family over my trust, controlled by a sociopath, my first cousin and my narcissistic siblings.. I am down all alone. I lost my mother and I lost my entire family when I started standing up for myself.. At 57, the same age of my father when he died, starting over.

[@Adrian-Diane-Jernigan]

To my story gets very complicated because through all my adult life even times after suicide attempts, and then in the middle hospital, my first cousin and narcissist or sociopath, was there looking like the hero. So after my mother died, she wanted to be the center of everything again the hero, and couldn’t take it as I got better if that makes sense. And let me standing up for myself, but then there is a series of events after that that exposed to me who my siblings were, and how all of them gang up against me to stop me from growing expanding and becoming an authentic self..

[@user-pb8ec9gy2x]

I struggle with taking responsibility for myself and have emotional addictions to my narc parents - enmeshment trauma, and now i'm finally breaking free. I know, it's stupid.. Sometimes i feel like a narcissist because i have a disgusting vibe because of my trauma. (I have AVPD and dependent trait(s)).

[@starseeds8121]

I understand and am similar.

[@mystivixen5038]

CPTSD and NPD share behavioral traits from different derivatives. The way you know you are not NPD is that you feel remorse.

[@mrdjpee-yn8oc]

Thank you with all my heart, soul and being, Jay Reid. Thank you for sharing your knowledge, wisdom, intelligence, compassion and hope to me and to the whole world. Please never stop what you are and what you are doing. You are creating peace. You are a peace maker. G-d bless your heart and soul, your loved ones and everything you put your hand and heart to.

[@Thysta]

Again, Jay you are right on point. My NPD father had a few spouses, 2 of them had 1-1 kid. Now that I watch this one, the explicit memories come back. 3 of us, the stepmother (I liked both), and the son whom I liked, were playing always kind of a .. how could I describe, like WITHOUT a declared "conspiracy", we instinctively knew that we kind of have to "give" my father some kind of weird, insane "room" so his insanity can manifest, and we were "turning down our own volume".

[@DHW256]

Jay, it's absolutely amazing how accurately you disassemble the "mechanics" of the narcissist and his/her relationships. I'm much older than you, but it's as if you observed our mother's narcissistic abuse, our father's going along to just get along (but like Stockholm Syndrome), and the ordeals we children suffered. Out of the six of us kids (three half-siblings (two of Dad's and one of Mom's), our mother developed two of hers into flying monkeys, and at least one of them has to be a narcissist -- you cross all his T's and dot all his I's. His own children have grown to hate him, even as his wife just goes along to get along.

[@OnlyOneName]

5:07 100% my experience. Plus they looked relieved when something didn't work out for me, and anxious or mean when it did.

[@denisel780]

This is so incredibly spot on as far as what growing up with a narcissistic parent is like. When you talk about the child at the top of the stairs, wondering why his other parent won't basically collapse and apologize, because of course mother is the most important. Wow, that rang so true. The IDEA that it isn't the truth, doesn't even become a possibility for many of us until we are much older. Your videos are so helpful. I have also gotten help from the worksheet on your website, about depression/anxiety...where you walk yourself through the triggering event and re-evaluate what really happened! It is really helping me see just how skewed my thinking has been because of my upbringing...and I am learning healthy ways to challenge the faulty thought process. Thank you!

[@annehynynen8153]

This same formula often continues later in romantic relationships. That's at least what I just understood about myself! Thank you so much for this video!

[@Joelswinger34]

Good point!!!! I am sure I do the same thing!

[@hope5443]

Thank you so much for focusing on narc parents! So many avoid this devastating topic! I appreciate your help!!

[@Nushka23]

I’m not sure what I’d have done if I hadn’t have found your videos. All of the things you describe, I do, and I just thought it was me: “Why can’t I get myself together”. I never thought anyone could so accurately describe the subconscious mind scapegoats in particular experience, so thank you.

[@Adrian-Diane-Jernigan]

This also reminds me when I was 12 years old I watch the movie the exorcist became physically ill put in the hospital, and after I don’t have 10 days to not find anything physically wrong as I was vomiting, a blood etc. was sent to a child psychiatrist who said I put everybody above myself not just one person everybody that my mother stoped that treatment as soon as began to feel accepted by my psychiatrist. .

[@AZDC99]

I have an ex-girlfriend hoovering me that's bad for me after I discarded a best friend FLYING monkey of my parents 3500 miles away and got (DISCARDED a week ago)by a younger brother from that same distance. I'm afraid I need this video badly! Thank you for EITHERr way

[@belovedchild9812]

Thanks Jay. Another excellent video and topic, paying attention to one’s self. A year ago I discovered yoga nidra which is like meditation. You lie still and focus your attention or consciousness on one body part at a time, turning your awareness inward. I now do this daily, taking a break from work each afternoon. I find that this practice calms my nervous system and has had the added benefit of helping me focus on myself instead of other things like other people, external circumstances. There are lots of guided yoga nidras on KZbin. I started it initially as a way to calm myself each day, and the newfound focus on myself and my inner experience has been surprising and has helped me move forward in my healing.

[@palominoshine7838]

‘Collapsed in the face of this unending adversity’ you get it for sure! Thank you for the validation.

[@mosim9691]

OMGoodness! You are so AWESOME! My healing journey has come full circle with your videos! I sincerely thank you, Jay Reid!

[@jakecarlo9950]

As survivors we all need light moments, so I’m announcing the launching of my new narc-world blog, *”Jay’s Yellow Chair: a look behind (ahem) the scenes.”*

[@Harry-qw5jv]

Thank you so much. Your messages are coming to me after prayers to God to help me with this, thank you so much for doing them and God bless you

[@user-qv7vi2ls6j]

Ive learned to forgive, it is a healing process. Must heal the inner child who was abused emotionally. Scapegoated role.

[@findinggoodnamssishard319]

That was powerful. I was in therapy for about 15 years with a Freudian psychoanalyst. He never said anything without accuracy, in hindsight.. . It's interesting to reflect, because I did act out, but I did not understand why?. We ended with my furiy towards him for not protecting me from my harmful decisions yet exploring why I made them. He knocked down my brick wall. And instead of building a new one, your work has given me the courage to understand, grieve and build a life a choose. I thank you both .

[@terridillon3053]

Narcs are sooooo absurd. Thank you for all your help and information

[@carospereman3537]

This is really good information. Jay you get right to the core of an issue. It not only validates me it but also gives me a better understanding of what happened. Thank you very much.

[@Joelswinger34]

Thank you so much for these wonderful posts! They really help me gain clarity and continue learning healthier ways of thinking.

[@Ross_Embossed]

OMG I just had the craziest experience watching this video! Right as you were enacting "Introspecting *within* yourself" and you gestured 🙏 and bent inward... Right then! An Army Ad hit my screen with loud bombastic bass with an Army soldier right in the screen in the same place right where you were! It looked like a scene from #TheMatrix when someone turns into an Agent! 🧒💢😎💥😯 Whoa

[@blueberry3168]

I’m so conditioned to operate like this that I realised I even do this with my dog. Put his needs before my own. 🙏🏼

[@dark7angel456]

I really appreciate these videos and how it can relieve a lot of this very treacherous trap that is felt being around these types of people and the suffocating feeling that follows some encounters. Mini breaks are a must when dealing with even narcissistic co-workers, friends, relatives, strangers, etc.

[@jakecarlo9950]

This video as usual is so deep. I wonder whether an alternative way to formulate item 3 at @3:55 is that the parent is only happy *when the focus is on them*. Our happiness or unhappiness is incidental, even incomprehensible to them. However, the corollary of item three, a possible item 4, is that *The mandate to first monitor and mollify the narcissist means we can never be happy in ourselves.* I like that formulation because it emphasizes the almost impersonal, that is to say literally de-humanizing, nature of the narcissistic system. Appreciate your work.

[@Adrian-Diane-Jernigan]

Another way, I resonate with this, as I became disabled after my father died, and I got a degree in psychology. I was doing the best ever in my life and move back in with my mother, eventually, who convinced me to stay on disability, even though I was better so I could take care of her.. this even carry over after her death when I sat down and told my cousin and my siblings, I could teach full time after substituting for 13 years, and they convinced me to stay on Medicare. I later discovered the very thing I needed to do to dissolve the trust was to work full-time for two years, which she can imagine, blew up and put me at war with them because they did not want to see me get better.. is there a sense this gets even more complicated because my first cousin Leatherman show me the meet with the attorney who convince my mother to leave my inheritance in a special needs trust like our uncle who had down syndrome so after my mother died, she isolated me from my family to control me in as soon as I stood up to her at all, went to hell. You can imagine this led to another dark Knight of the soul. I’ve been in for two years..

[@dark7angel456]

These videos are pretty helpful when the world is full of selfish people that make me feel less than dirt. Hurt so much some days my body felt like it was hit by a truck, my knees were so weak from a crippled psychology, stranded and my emotions that were constantly neglected and unnoticed or uncared for. People that kind of force me to be in a good mood when I don't even feel good is not a healthy thing.

[@dark7angel456]

My nervous system seems fried and i need healing. I always feel dysregulated around people and very voided. Can't actually find authentic empath people that arent takers.

[@aquariusstar7248]

You said it right: sadistic and narcissistic😫

[@peterbuckley9731]

Of all the taking heads on Narc abuse online… you really seem to have (a) your attention on the survivor and away from simple blame (b) a deep authenticity and heart to helping …. I see quite a few videos from folks that have made YT a platform of unending educational narc videos in service of themselves . Thank u. 🙏🏼

[@tricianindel7909]

I agree. He is awesome and clear. He is so caring and soft spoken and kind. Some of the others look like Narcissist themselves and are loud and obnoxious. He is so sweet and caring and kind. He makes me feel calm as well as being amazingly well informed. He is Awesome.

[@heifie2540]

My mother destroyed all the things I loved and cared for. She also tried to destroy me financially but I woke up on time and prevented this case. I had to go no contact because she didn' t stop destroying me by calling my boss and telling lies about me. I had to move and didnt tell her my new adress.😢

[@cairosilver2932]

16:35 I think an approach that goes with how the nervous system is is to imagine your own hurt and wounded parts outside of yourself, then set your rapt attention on that 'outside' yourself part. This goes with the flow of how the nervous system is set up to focus outward but ends up focusing that attention right on an envisioning of ones internal parts and issues. Possibly also envision valued parts of oneself outside as well, to also give those focus and support.

[@lisaperez8276]

Great idea! Thanks! I’m going to try it.🙏🏼💖

[@pernilladomander7648]

Thank you for this video! It explained this topic well.

[@olafwitt7246]

Thank you.

[@marcuslong9761]

#3 in that list at 4:00 really felt that.

[@elizabethseiden9938]

I sent my brother a text about a childhood secret. When I saw him in person, he wouldn’t let me tell him what happened! I feel bad now, but I was trying to get revenge for him being my narcissistic father’s flying monkeys!

[@earthangel6503]

Your insight Jay is very helpful to all who have experienced this. It's helpful to me as I like to intellectualize issues before I can work on moving forward. Thanks 😊

[@JaynardManback]

My daily reset has been accomplished. Thank you so much, Jay.

[@johndeal4381]

229-1! "Jay Reid is the Michael Jordan of the simplistic portrayal so the public can understand the dynamics of narcissistic abuse." But again, don't all narcissistic about it.

[@GypsySparkle]

I have been binge watching your channel. Thank you SO much for covering various different topics most people aren't aware of, and shining a light on this. Thank you for your info !! Tremendous help !!

[@kellyjones5133]

Your explainations Doctor are excellant! Thank you.

[@Charmainecharmainecharmaine]

You’re so beautiful! Thank you for breaking it all down. Appreciate these videos so much. Prayers for anyone trapped in these scenarios that they may find a safe way out.

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

You are so welcome

[@sakesenpai]

Bless you Jay, I feel like I’m in that trough right now but with patience I know l’ll grow to focus on myself

[@elizabethseiden9938]

I was the maid at eleven years old!

[@themidstream]

Wow, thank you so much, for going into detail about ''worthlessness denial'', quite a complicated personality disorder but those who have had the chance to ''know'', will understand. Just. Wow.

[@HighVibeCat]

This is so helpful! I’ve long had a question running in my mind about why it seemed so “impossible” for me to feel safe in enjoying myself/ feeling pleasure to any extent. THANK YOU for delving into this (what I feel is a) very important topic 💕🦒

[@Giselle332]

Please could you do a video on how to deal with the feelings of worthlessness that the narcissist puts on their victims. It is hard to separate their feelings from the victim's feelings.

[@marthamoreno1539]

Thank you, your videos are giving me so much peace and guidance.

[@CanadianBear47]

part of the reason i use headphones to do homework so that i can keep indifference vs contempt. i thought it was interesting just noticing those little details if they think i am just gaming and not moving forward somehow that fills them with joy or contentment. this situation is this year so not like its a old thing

[@Chopsyochops]

My Narc/sociopathic mother had a different approach. We weren’t allowed to be down or upset around her. She would turn cold, aggressive and dismissive.. We were expected to be happy all the time and positive. So when I am feeling low I actually close off and go into my own healing mode feeling very alone. Then when I feel better I end up around my mother. Until she breaks me down again and I have t go off to heal. Because as far as she is concerned, no matter what she does, we must be ok with it and always happy. We must put her first whilst she brings us down. It’s a backwards technique but still damaging. It says that I am not allowed to have feelings. I must be perfect and accept everything. If I don’t then no one will love me. I’m not allowed to be the happy person that she wants around her if I’m around other people. Around others I must be miserable and withdrawn and she must be the social entertaining superstar. Otherwise she would cut me down to size in front of others. Twisted.

[@LilBrownieD]

In my case, they don't want me to be aware of my power to advocate for myself, lest it complicate things for their delusion / denial / fantasyland.