Choosing and Protecting Safe Relationships: The Second Pillar of Recovery for Scapegoat Survivors

[@dianeshoemaker6591]

This is one of the best articulations I’ve ever heard about why I continue to unconsciously choose relationship dynamics that mimic the blueprint with my parents. I had no idea I felt safer to avoid the abandonment, ashamed, and astray. Even though my father passed years ago and I am estranged from my mother, I am still psychologically enmeshed with them being internalized. This video is profound! Thank you Jay!

[@firehorse9996]

Breezo knows when he hears "I look forward to posting again next week" that playtime begins! What a good boy to sit still nearly 20 minutes. He's listening to every word you say. Thank you Jay and thank God for our beloved pets who keep us engaged with life and love while slowly rebuilding safe relationships with people ;-)

[@Lyrielonwind]

Brezo looks like wondering why Jay likes talking so much to the "box" instead of paying attention to him 😂 and you are right, that "fordward" was the word for "he finally finished with that self-talk of him", aleluya 😊

[@sarahlongstaff5101]

My parents’ religion, Swedenborgianism, prioritizes conditional love-and one of their main emphases is that children have to be useful. If you’re useless, you can be abandoned. As I have been listening to all your videos, I just want to say that there are parents who absolutely treat their children this way on purpose-bc following their religion is more important to them than their own flesh and blood. And they get validated in their church groups for this abuse, too.

[@redheart11tx]

Bingo; we have that in the 'mainstream' as well in families with siblings that prolong it after the parents are deceased.

[@stevepotts4228]

BINGO - 'Faith' is an important something for Sure., ...(Personaly for myself speaking) - it's just that damn 'Organized Religion' hypocracy ' that 'gets' new victims All The damn Time Imortal via the parent's weak choices imo.

[@creatormom123]

Wow, I've never heard of that religion

[@carolyngartner6865]

There's a name for such religious abuse - Religious Trauma Syndrome. Google it. There is plenty of help out there these days.

[@SlavicGirl.]

Wow I didn’t know that… SMH! But few years ago I watched a channel where guy was promoting this guy, E.S , and the more I listen about this phony christian, the more I got convicted he was a demon possessed… apparently his followers too.

[@lydsa9662]

When I look back at my friends growing up and even to adulthood, I realize that it was mostly me reaching out to them and listening to them. I would give in to their preferences and not be able to voice my preference. I always wondered why I was like that. The moment I started speaking up about my life, my ‘friends’ didn’t want to engage in the conversation.

[@johncollier3175]

You deserve people who appreciate you! I hope you find at least one. Laurie

[@dianeshoemaker6591]

I have the same experience

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Thank you for explaining this situation so clearly. It's something I've lived, and am healing. Every bit of reinforcement for healing, such as your videos, benefits me. And knowing that these videos is out there for others too makes me grateful, knowing that things can be better for upcoming generations. This is very important work for each affected person to do. Thank you so much for your work.

[@mrs.eppsclasses7081]

This video made me feel seen. Therapists and psychologists regularly tell me I need to make better relationships and put all the responsibility on me. I end up feeling like a failure. Jay, you clearly listen carefully to your clients. You observe with empathy which allows you to really understand the struggles they face. I feel so much more confident in my journey to finding safe relationships and I’m finding it easier to be gentle with myself as I face the panic attacks that come after spending time with good, caring people. This video has made it so that I can bear the panic with some grace and with better endurance as I hope to see the panic lessen over time; and with hope for finding more tolerance for more of these relationships in the future.

[@Natybsg]

Thanks ☺☺ I've been in my healing journey for years and one of my strategies for safety was having no close friendships. I've recently read information about how connecting is fundamental and actually healing, even if I've improved a lot by myself. I realized that this was the moment to start connecting properly, to stop keeping distance from everyone and that I wouldn't improve if I kept acting the same. Approaching people felt good, but I soon started feeling incredible uncomfortable, "bad" and inadequate. I knew where these feelings came from, but now I can understand it a lot better 😌

[@SRStoday-r6t]

This is where Ive been stuck. Distanced and protected myself from unhealthy relationships. But feel disconcerted in forming the healthier relationships and how to be in closeness. Ive bern isolating. I feel like I don't know myself and don't know what to do, and I will be judged and found out as unworthy. Your video helps me have empathy for myself, understanding that it makes sense and my feelings make sense and to keep going towards that peomise of revovery you speak of. I will keep trying. Thank you

[@fuzbugg]

lovely pup! thank you for this

[@miss-winner]

Thank you so so much. I honestly cannot thank you enough. I'm still reading your free ebook. I cannot wait to dive into this new material. You get it. You get it on a deeper level. It's so inspiring to see someone make it out and have come back to guide others on how to do so.

[@amberfuchs398]

"It's so inspiring to see someone make it out and have come back to guide others on how to do so." This is so true. I'm hitting my stride in my healing and people like Jay really inspire me to keep going.

[@fairygurl9269]

"Things are in FACT Different Now"

[@Z1nny]

That's right 😎✌️

[@diatribe5]

The last part about proactively setting boundaries with safe people really resonated with me. Thanks for bringing this up.

[@CurtisMoe]

🎉 Great video Jay

[@KellyCali]

I sadly and unfortunately subconsciously sabotaged my safe friendships and relationships 😢

[@fairygurl9269]

16:11 Your Art is Indeed Memorable Sir ✨️ 🎨 *Much Gratitude

[@amberfuchs398]

I loved the fence of boundaries!

[@EarInn]

The effects of being scapegoated are so numerous and complex. Thank you for untangling the many knots!

[@katykarimi8727]

Love the Malinois hanging in the background ❤🐕

[@compassion77]

An amazing video Jay describing the inner world/experience that is so internalised from a young age. I am very grateful truly ❤Biggest problem I encounter is the world is not only run by - but is infiltrated by narcissists and their flying monkeys and people who don't get the narcissistic drama and inadvertently play into their abusive scenarios. I live in NZ and people and communities who are "safe" I have yet to find connection to. This personal work we codependents work sooooo hard at focuses on us aware ones doing all the hard work yet crashing on the rocks time and time again becos the odds are against us. The isolation is REAL.

[@meredithalbion3721]

Thank you, Jay! Each week's video offers me new insights and healing.

[@wisdom_may]

.. I wish this knowledge was out decades ago ,when will I ever stop beating myself up for falling for their lies and letting my parents abuse and control me so much?

[@Tov-h3v]

Learn to Go Gray Rock from a Dr Ramani video, so you don't reacts to a Narcissist, that's what they want's bcs it's giving them Narcissistic supply, from good or bad reactions.Learn to be as interesting as an grey rock. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.

[@Lyrielonwind]

Think you were conditioned, adoctritated and brainwashed. If soldiers were brainwashed, imagen how profound and effective can be so much manipulation in a child's brain. I know is easier to write than to accept it but I guess you could say "stop beating a dead horse" but you are not a horse and you are alive. Takes time for radical acceptance. Anyway, you either had to get brainwashed or died. Your inner child was smart enough; stop beating your inner child and shut up your inner critic ( the recordings). You need to get on your inner child's side and shrink the inner critic. Sending love and courage.

[@Nectar_Ix]

I've just gotten into the habit of never tell my wants or needs cuz my mother would make sure that's exactly what I WOULDN'T get..... Now I just default to handling my own needs and keep my own council. Even to the point where Im always kind and friendly with others but sincerely don't expect the same- I'll just tell myself sux for them to be such a jerk ......

[@1981Elpbaba1981]

A next-level video. I especially appreciate the graphics which help tremendously to simplify what this all means and feels like.

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Much appreciated!

[@agehachou1121]

Thank you for the work you continue to do. You are a bright beacon in a often dark and grim world dictated by narcissistic parents. Also thanks for also including your dog in your videos 🦝😊

[@jotruman6936]

I love your insights and connecting ideas Jay- they’ve been very helpful, thank you. I find I have a constant inner conflict between the need to be “useful “ (my father would assume we , as little children, should automatically know how to be “useful “ around the house on the weekends, without any guidance whatsoever (my mother was to cowered to assert herself here). Living with him was constant walking on eggshells as even now @ 65 I have problems with acting spontaneously (except in the field of music improvisation in which I excel, interestingly), and decisively around domestic chores etc. Theres too much fear attached to consequences if I “mess up”, so mostly my house is in a state of chaos and disarray. Father used to say “treat this house as though you’re guests in my hotel”. Didn’t inspire a sense of home nor belonging. The more I identify the problem the more I can set small tasks to complete and take on the chaos bit by bit. My beautiful sister however didn’t survive- she developed serious anorexia and then took her life at age 22. I’ve never quite recovered from this.

[@akashalove]

Wow that’s very hard. My beautiful brother died aged 27 from a motorbike accident. Sometimes I wonder if his soul - understanding the painful patterns in our family system, chose an exit into another life.

[@gabyjuen]

This is gold

[@Hansa7122]

Thank you, after I left my unsafe neighbours in the 7th, my life changed completely for the best, thanks so much for your precious advice.

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Glad to help

[@CaramelMsDelight]

The work that you are doing is incredible! Thank you 🙌🏽🙏🏽

[@tantalosamalfi3139]

Spot on! Brilliant work, Jay!

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Thank you kindly!

[@lorrainew7529]

Thank you Jay. Such insight is invaluable to me. ✨️🙏✨️

[@KemalCetinkaya-i3q]

thank you jay

[@antiprismatic]

I seem to find myself in relationship with someone that is so psychologically close with traumatic care takers and abandoners that it displaces me which causes me to want to be distant and uncaring. Basically when i am close and caring she acts a fool until i become distant and then its proof of abandonment all over again.

[@G1g1658]

My mother said to me many times: “Let’s have you be the mother and I’ll be the little girl.” How is a pre-teen supposed to do that? It took years for me to escape that emotional trap. Listening to these videos helps me make sense of what happened.

[@dianaschramer5065]

Thank you so much. This was so validating, informative, and encouraging.

[@Angel_Chi]

You are loved and valuable, not only for your work but also who you are. Thank you!

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Thank you so much Jay 😊 God bless you❤

[@no-1223]

Thank you Jay❤

[@kathythrasher542]

I have a covert narcissistic father who is stoic and distance . So sad to not be able to feel joy with him

[@kathythrasher542]

distant *

[@Tov-h3v]

It isn't possible to feels joy with a Narcissist over time,they are obsessed with control and needs to control everything,that removes your freedom. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.

[@SlavicGirl.]

Stoicism is synonym for psychopathy, its satanism that’s why it’s all over the internet and yt.

[@yl5020]

Thank you so much🌻

[@Anne.....]

Thank you for the video ❤

[@LeiraHP]

Brezzo, is that his name? Is a boy? How did he know when to get up? I think he learned that after the words: "I look forward to posting again next week." U soon after get up from ur room & go out.

[@johncollier3175]

We all seemed to notice this! How adorable and smart, just like her master! They both are sure helping us to heal! Laurie

[@name5876]

Guess what, it turned out you can survive without safe relationships. I've never had any.

[@elizabethash4720]

Why pillars? Very cold and clinical.

[@reneekathleentaylor2031]

❤

[@Troooosdale]

Does the scapegoat survivor identify as a duckman? 😂

[@Jacksquidian]

Haha 🦆

[@Emile-philia]

What happened back in those days?

[@firehorse9996]

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... so goes the old saying LOL 🦆

[@DeportedDomingo]

I know we all live in a weaponized housing system and have to pay the tax for people enabled by government handouts. I wonder if this kind of infectious personality disorder was far less potent and easily healable when there was a community. When men old and young had serious interactions day to day. I watch these videos in the middle east where its hundreds of men in a public square just living life and see what other men are up to and walking out doors. Not a woman in sight. If kids 10-13 weren’t kept totally separated from kids 14-18, college kids 18-24. Would they make less mistakes or more? Idk how much of this bpd and npd issue is from a sick diet(sick society) and if the people who are the captains of industry and institutions are interested or even have the balls to change the diet instead of attacking the symptoms.