When Scapegoat Survivors Think: “It’s Only Me Who Finds This Difficult”

[@montecrucis7247]

It's so good to know that there is someone out there who understands.

[@CBrown86]

If I fail at something I have no one to help me back up. So pursuing anything slightly risky could be devastating for me if it doesn’t go exactly as planned. Having no support system is crippling.

[@kobra4422]

Totally agree! I've figured I struggle starting new things bc everytime I took a leap of faith and made life changes I was left with no support and encouragement. I was left alone with something nobody else cared about 😔. Result: learned helplessness.

[@CBrown86]

@@kobra4422OMG same here. Its not the loneliness so much that bothers me…its the fact that so much relies on me that daily Im just keeping what I have together, when I truly know that this isnt going to be sustainable later down the road. I need to go back to school badly but I cant afford to fail even one class because I literally cannot afford it. But being a single parent means that unpredictable kid stuff happens and no one is there to help even if I was desperate. My siblings got college and houses and vehicles paid for, but as the scapegoat Ive been on my own and even been stolen from by my parents. Its like do I take a leap and one little thing goes wrong and I lose everything or do I just keep treading water. Its sad. I feel for you. ❤

[@uncleiroh0989]

Same. And growing up, the people I used to call my parents would abuse me heavily for any perceived mistake or "failure", so avoiding risks was how I stayed alive. It was so bad that in college, I would take classes on the same topics over and over so that I would already know the content being taught and be able to get an A, thus reducing the risk of my dad screaming at me in the face for getting what he thought was a "grade that would ruin my future" (B or lower).

[@kathyfrancis9229]

I'm also on my own. It's the hardest thing when something bad happens and your on your own. Loneliness nearly killed me I'm used to it now

[@dakoderii4221]

This^. I feel the exact same way. I had been thinking lately why I haven't been able to take more risks, even though they aren't "dangerous". You nailed it! Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 9 Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. 10 For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. 11 Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? 12 And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

[@RosyFdz]

I really struggle with being social, relationships in general, and I thought I was the only one until I opened up to a friend who also had abusive parents and I was shocked when she said she deeply struggles too. It’s nice to know I’m not a weirdo 😂

[@aquariusstar7248]

"The narcissistic parent has made the scapegoat child feel worthless at a baseline level...." I cannot express how valuable this information is! I noticed that I often overinflated my abilities in my head like you said and wondered if I was narcissistic. Thank you for clarifying and confirming that this is not the case! I did wonder if I was overcompensating from being told I am defective as a child, not being able to do anything right in the eyes of my parent. Even though I was an A/B student throughout school and college, I was told I was stupid. My teachers were giving me totally different reflections, saying I was talented and brilliant. I was even told recently by a colleague that I am gifted, and I went into the "yeah but" stance that you said scapegoated children do. See how conflicting this can be. Some days I think I am delusional about my abilities when ppl tell me differently. I think I even failed at certain extracurricular activities that were important to me bc of the slamming of my self-worth at home. These beliefs can even affect career choices. I witness it in myself often and have to go to battle with myself to think differently. The path to success is wrought with much internal conflict that must be worked through, and sometimes it's just too much energy expended, you end up doing nothing at all. I'm grateful for your content, your books and I'm looking forward to taking your course.

[@juneelle370]

really love your saying “valuable and fallible” ☀️

[@dkblue9331]

Thanks 🙏🏻 this was a validating and helpful video. It also helps shed light on my own perfectionism and procrastination! Have a great weekend

[@helena-rk4fn]

I am in my 50s and still get upset and wound up by my mother. These videos have helped with my thoughts. Thank you.

[@cyrusdeboo6423]

👍🏻

[@Charlotte_breathes_fire]

Me too. I feel ya. Hugs.

[@tammyweaver1384]

I'm 64 an she still does it???

[@catherinewylie6959]

Me, too. Had a big argument this morning over her talking-to me like I'm f*cked if I don't kiss my n fathers ass to get an inheritance and what will happen to me if I don't have it. I told her I am done being talked to like everything is doom and gloom and I'm screwed and there are no other options....It' really got to me today. I am working on getting away from both of these people in terms of not visiting anymore and moving into my own place. She can go to a rest home. I'm not taking care of her.

[@peachnehi7340]

even if he or she escapes, scapegoat has to learn how to function independently AND raise him or herself at the same time the abusers love that the victim feel terror

[@darkcrystalmagik3369]

This is To avoid life's challenges "is to avoid one's FULL Self" Awesome & inspiring, especially since always striving to be as & authentic & true to my myself as I could without being being completely shunned was helped me surviv a mostly bleak, occasionally violent,& lonely childhood as the scapegoat of my entire (both extended & nuclear) family combined with coping skills like immersion in books from 2nd grade onward to escape my reality, & boundless optimism about the day I'd finally get to leave it all behind. Im going to write this down Immediately so I don't forget- this will help Inspire me when I have paralysis

[@valeriegonzalez6629]

These were also my main coping strategies.

[@dann10000]

Makes me wonder about daydreams and living in virtual worlds

[@rubberbiscuit99]

This one hits on a deep level. Writing specifically was a key way I survived my childhood. My journal was where I could express myself without someone in my family telling me something was wrong with me. That is, until they found one of my journals and ridiculed me for what it said. Eventually, one of them threw a stack of my journals stored in my parents' attic into the garbage. It was probably my sister, but it could have been either of my parents. I kept journaling and writing, and I became a writing teacher and tutor.

[@sage9836]

Wow! You turned adversity into healing.

[@RosyFdz]

9:22 this is something that was said very often when I was growing up “what’s wrong with you!” & with annoyed disappointed body language

[@dann10000]

Or the worse version: "I don't even know who you're resembling" Trying everything to "other" you

[@streaming5332]

My relatives are all good socialisers except for me. I have always struggled. I belong to a writing group but my sister refuses to read anything I've written. You're not allowed to achieve anything more than she has, which is very limiting. She finds it unbearable if I have any kind of success. I like the way the dog woke up during the video.

[@kristinmeyer489]

I can relate to the feeling of being crushed. I didn't secretly think I was smarter than others, I secretly and stupidly thought if I worked hard enough I would one day earn the love and respect if my family that they didn't have for me. I otherwise couldn't wait to escape with my good grades, because I already knew others were not nearly as "hard on" me as my entire family was. I failed stopping and starting on my first driver's test, because I choked under the pressure. And no one in my family was ever there as a soft place to fall, not even for a short fall like that. They can find someone else to do that to.

[@helenebezencon8906]

About struggling to write : In my experience, struggling to find the right words often has to do with wanting to be very precise in your thoughts and written expression of these thoughts. I very much appreciate exactly that (precision, and live expression of the process of thinking) in your videos.

[@iotaayushshrivastava114]

Man this guy is such a cool guy in scapegoat psychology

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

I don't expect anything to come easily... but I don't feel as if I have the necessary tools to make it happen.

[@fuzbugg]

Hi Jay, thanks for sharing about your personal struggle with writing I can relate. it's hard to imagine to be honest because you are always on point and everyone really appreciates you here on KZbin

[@5gx673]

Yes. I admire your writing skills. You communicate very clearly concepts that you've thought out carefully. Good writer

[@MorningDove]

I love your approach to healing. I can identify with all you have said and it makes me sad that I do. It's been a long and lonely childhood, realizing that something was terribly wrong but not understanding the why's until I became an adult. All I want is to be the person I know I can be and I feel your videos will help me with that in a positive way. Thank you!!!

[@sage9836]

I became an expert in communication skills, hoping to get respect from certain others who convinced me I was the only person who had some very common areas of non-expertise. I got some serious accolades in my field. But in the environment that made me want to prove myself, there was no respect to be had. And so I dropped those skills and did something for me. And - I got respect from those who count. This video is so helpful.

[@valeriegonzalez6629]

This video truly addresses one of my lifetime key issues. Thank you, Jay.

[@rinahgberg312]

Thank you for sharing your own experience,it's so refreshing with something real.🙏

[@jl3268]

I think we had the same parents. 😢 you are an inspiration thank you❤

[@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi470]

We are all siblings. ❤

[@LauraAnn309]

I can’t do the elevated picture. I never felt good about myself. I believed what my parents said about me and still do and I’m 45. I wish I could find a doctor like you near me, and a support group. I’m alone in this and it’s hell.

[@carospereman3537]

@lucy9517 I also felt like I was alone. Please know that you are not alone and that you are beautiful and worthy of anything you want. I grew up with a narc parent and siblings and am/was the scapegoat of the family. I am now no contact. It has been a struggle, and it was hell, but this struggle and grieving led me into an awakening of a new consciousness, new thoughts, and a deeper knowledge of myself. So I hope you have much compassion for yourself as you grow and heal, and remember that none of this was your fault. I am here if you ever want to chat.

[@anwa6169]

Thank you for giving so much info and advice. That is just gold. I appriciate you and your work.

[@shalu822]

This so accurately describes my experience growing up, it's validating.

[@1RPJacob]

To everyone who has a problem even imagining themselves doing something challenging or out of their league. Try to to imagine yourself that "you're imagining doing something challenging". It will bypass the negative inner voice.

[@macunz111]

Thank you so much ❤

[@5gx673]

This was so helpful. Many thanks!

[@EileenPfaff]

Thank you for this one. It is right on.

[@dio69666]

"these beliefs weaken when they see someone they admire faces similar struggles" Absolutely

[@cairosilver2932]

Hooboy this one was close to home. Those dunks in the worthlessness - to already by in the sea of worthlessness, trying to tread water, and then to have a bad result push you under the surface and you start to drown. Thanks for creating and posting this video.

[@Chichimee]

Good stuff brotha

[@lucianfox]

This is somthing my father used to say to invalidatr.... How my problems aren't as big...

[@fairygurl9269]

I Just Recently Felt Compelled to Watch "Everybody Hurts" by REM 💞 Gratitude & Respect

[@gypsykings1406]

Yes. And there's that other song that says "you're the fastest runner but your not allowed to win..." Or yet another one: "always in line but never in time to win..." The later by Spandu Ballet, if I'm not mistaking.

[@fredhubbard7210]

Brilliant essay. My mother was the smartest person to have ever to have lived. Any struggle meant I was a failure. It is a hard straitjacket to escape. I remember in grad school, we were given a philosophy reading each week, and were required to write an essay on each reading. After the first assignment the teacher announced that the class did not meet his expectations, and read out an example of what he was looking for. When it was over, I thought to myself, "Wow, that paper is beautifully written... and the content was so remarkably similar to the paper I had written." The next week, the same thing happened, but the similarity in content he read seemed like more than coincidence. For the third assignment, I decided to print a second copy for myself, so that if he read another paper, I could compare it to mine. Indeed, once again he read a paper to the class. I was shocked to realize I had been so convinced that I "couldn't write" and that my ideas were "too complicated" that I couldn't even recognize my own writing. I have been since told that I am a beautiful writer, but I still feel the shame of my early years. It is a cruel trap for your own child. Late in life, I have come to accept that struggle is a gift, and the greatest amoung us struggle the most profoundly.

[@everyonehasincommon1216]

A new video from Jay, i immediately click "like" bc i already know that it is going to exceed my every expectation ❤

[@Momofone1982]

Yes i feel like everyone else is good at my job but me, but my boss reassures me and says im doing fine. (She is very nice and sweet).My Dad told me i couldnt handle this job when i got it and i wasnt mentally healthy enough for the stress. Thanks so much for the excellent insight!

[@lydsa9662]

I’ve always felt that I was the only one who finds things difficult. I have the same issues with writing, and it’s very reassuring I’m not the only one. I thought I struggled with the simplest tasks. I felt like I worked 10x as hard as another to get one so called ‘simple task’ done. I have a question. Can being scapegoated cause adhd? I was diagnosed with inattentive adhd 2 years ago. I went to get diagnosed because I was struggling with things that people seemed to do flawlessly with no issue (or so it seemed.)

[@myfavs-qj7xg]

I've been watching Mr. Reid's videos for a few weeks now and I resonate with just about all of them I've watched so far. His videos have been the most helpful for me. With that being said, though I resonate with these videos, I currently find it hard to remember some of the abuse. I know hurtful words were said most of my life and I know that I had to "numb" myself for most of that time as well. I haven't had to deal with much from my parents for a while, thanks to setting some boundaries, but the effects of what they have done still remain. They've even been a little "nice", but that's probably because I pulled away. I guess I bringing this up because, I see the effects of the abuse, but I can't remember a lot, so it's like how would I explain, am I justified in how I feel? I'm seeking a therapist who specializes in or at least understands narcissistic abuse. Hope this makes sense, it surprisingly took a lot to get this comment out. Have a great day. Thanks.

[@courtneyjellar9548]

Really appreciate this video, Jay. Thanks for addressing how survivors often feel something is uniquely wrong with them and seem to have a challenging time viewing their strengths authentically.

[@rascallyrabbit]

Great video. I wish Jay had a 15-to-30-minute flash counseling session to address one specific question.

[@FlatStella1]

Geat that you have DOG Jay, mine was also so calm!!!Thank you!!

[@bridgettetraveler658]

Thank u so much. U truly are great at teaching. Thank u for teaching us we don't have to be great at everything, but be the best u that u can be!!!

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

So nice of you

[@fairygurl9269]

*Recommend Julie Nolke "Left Brain Vs Right Brain" 😁🤗

[@ResurgentVoice]

Thank you for this! You addressed so much of what I went through growing up and how it still affects me. Thank you so much for the work you do with this channel! 🙏💕

[@fawnlandmobile9106]

THIS video was so much help!! I have always felt like this and been baffled because I'm pretty good in situations if i give myself a chance. VERY illuminating. Now I have to add this truth to the mantra in my head when I get insecure. 🔥🔥🔥

[@lesleyelalami2562]

I thought as a child that I had a brain tumour.... that was all that would explain my predicament and how I related to people.... there was something severely wrong with me. Always doing the right thing and ending up with the wrong result. Realised later the deficiencies of my enmeshed dependant mother but the damage has been done. Parents constantly competing with their children, not nice. I've always hated competition of any kind.... probably because at home my parents always won so I just gave up. Life's NOT a competition.

[@dann10000]

Thank you for these tips. In fact there are people I admire. I couldn't imagine what a simple question could change in your thinking and feeling.

[@charlottemacdonald4167]

I am learning we are each unique, and no matter what contribution we make, it is still a contribution. I have played the violin since I was 11. I chose to do it. Yet, now I am allowing myself to discover how and for what reason I want to play it. My father held perfectionism out as the only way. I was always trying to meet this standard, and seeing myself as valid only if I carried this out. I think I naturally wanted to do well apart from his influence. Right now I am exploring my own talent and reason for continuing to play. My desire to be happy and balanced is overcoming my need to satisfy this arbitrary and harmful narcissistic rule.

[@joellenklemek138]

Thanks so much for this idea to ask someone doing well in an activity that I am challenged with. Ask them if they ever have a hard time or a struggle with it. Thanks Jay. You are amazing and you have been such a comfort to me!

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

I appreciate that! Thanks.

[@Hippowdon121]

I'm on a ski holiday and want to progress to an expert level of skiing. You know, like racing and stuff like that. It's a big step up for me but a very natural one because I used to ski as a child (and stopped) and now that I have gone on a couple of holidays as an adult, I'm always the best skier out of my friends / who I go with. I have a yearning to be much better and know I have that in me somehow. But, as you say in the video, something inside me shies away whenever it's going to get challenging, and it's to the point where I won't even get up in the morning to go skiing and will just spend a lot of time inside. I want to start timing myself and practicing slalom, and also practice technique, balancing on one ski, but the 'shying away' feeling is so strong that I don't even go near the place where I'd practice that. Yes, challenges make me feel strange, inferior (embarrassed/ashamed) and alone. I think I understand your point in the video. I used to (indeed) have this sense that I'm the best at many things. School, and skiing, for example. I often felt a bond with the instructor/teacher and that I was the special one and noticed by them. And it's true, and the most important point is, that that was somehow based on exaggerated claims about my abilities and my traits. I mean, looking at it now, then, well, yes, I do have the capability to get a great grade in a subject of study - if I can consider the material properly and study it - and I do have the capability to learn a new type of skiing - if I can practice it and feel my body and muscles while doing so... As opposed to that old perspective was something like, I get great grades (always) because I'm the smartest, and I always ski well (and don't get challenged) because I'm just really good at it (I'm the best in the class). I think it's that that new view I am talking about is more based in, well, reality, that if you practice something and can actually be present while doing it and feel that both struggling and frustration, and improvement and the pride that comes with that, and all pretty normal and acceptable - whereas that old view that I had while being scapegoated is more about identity. Being the best student; being the best in class; being the smartest; having the teacher's special attention; being viewed as special. These kinds of things. It's not really about 'doing' the thing but about how you feel you're being perceived while doing it. (There's no shame in that.). The old view and experience is actually quite a disservice to myself because it does not allow for much genuine pride or genuine feelings of self-worth. It's also quite restrictive because it doesn't allow for growth that would otherwise come when you meet a challenge. Like, in high school, my maths teacher asked if I understood a certain extra-curricular proof and could do it myself, and I could only say "yes" (I didn't really understand it). I couldn't be open to learn about it even though I had that intellectual capability. Emotionally, it wasn't possible. It's a shame. Same for skiing, right now, actually. I'm only 24 and still have some ways to go, but thank you for being a guide, Jay! Your videos are excellent, and this one was extremely pertinent for me. I actually feel this video was on 'another level', watching it. Amazing. Thank you for your story about writing!!!!!!!

[@jadorejoe]

This is so helpful! Thank you , Jay. I always had trouble putting it into words by you did a wonderful job. A great writer indeed! Thanks for all your help as always :)

[@ernestobusnelli5892]

Good material @Jay Reid - Recovery from Bad Childhoods, THANK YOU! Although I know Brezo helps you 😁 Is she a Malinois?

[@JenniferKBrown]

Thank you for your insightful closing message; I’m sure most of us are people who want to have a shot at life as the people we were taught to repress and hide.

[@MegaLinilla]

Yes to everything

[@charlottemacdonald4167]

Thank you, Jay. Invaluable.

[@MsGrinny]

It's very helpful sharing an experience that you've had. Thank you

[@Charlotte_breathes_fire]

Thank you so much for this Jay. I saved it for when i needed it and it's really helpful.

[@MrsD3Aer]

Thank you Jay, my insecureness is so in my way

[@4597-1]

❤❤thank you for this video!!

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

You are so welcome!

[@yl5020]

Thank you so much, Jay and Breezo🌻

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

Thank you too!

[@dark7angel456]

Life is too hard for me... never had good friendships or love yet... i always feel ignored and hurt... Everyone i know just pours salt in my wounds, pure evil

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Thank you Dr Jay.

[@CBrown86]

YES, YES, and YES 😔

[@PerrySkyePhoenix]

In a word: Yes.

[@warrenbradford2597]

I remember my narcissistic mother telling me to help one of my younger brothers connect to his online. She rages at me and my other brother screaming, why are you all being so dumb. I look back at it after learning about narcissism and saw that she was the one being dumb. There other times like this, but the point is that I must remember that it is not me who finds problems she forced upon me difficult. She just them opportunities to make me feel inferior to her, just so she fuel her own ego and dominate me.

[@barrymcnamara]

Jay Reid 🕊️

[@catherinewylie6959]

Is there a way to gain distance when you are living with an elderly parent and they are still trying to control and being abusive? I am working on getting real physical distance, but it's taking a while. Living with my controlling elderly mother has destroyed parts of my mental and physical health by now. I have C-PTSD and felt I was slated for the crisis center this morning. It's too hard.

[@geetallygee5089]

HI Jay 🙋‍♀️ first, thank you for your dedication to this immensely important work❣️ your video title is somewhat confusing for moi’ 😅 IS IT ONLY ME WHO FINDS THIS CONFUSING 😆❤ ✌🏻

[@gypsykings1406]

I wish you would have been my dad, respectfully, dr. Reid.

[@CelestiaQuixs]

You've got this wrong. The thought is, :It's only me (and others like me) who have it this difficult." On top of that no one believes us and we are sick of the whiny babies who have no idea what difficult times are because they were never taught how to handle adversity. Most scapegoats are masters at adaptation, adjusting, taking responsibility, being resourceful, and resilient. But, there comes a point when this gets all too exhausting and we'd like others to take back their share of the responsibility they thrust upon us. Why did we accept all this responsibility of things that were more than ours to take on? Because we were told that we are the problem. And, we mistakenly thought if we are the problem, we can fix it and everyone would be happy and get along. We find out all too late that this was a lie, a future faking by the head of the narcissistic cult family. That in and of itself is a heavy burden most people never have to bear and it's so foreign to most people that a family, especially a parent, could treat their so-called loved one this way that they refuse to believe this is anything but the ravings of a delusional mind. I know that nowadays it's inappropriate and offensive to compare problems. But, I highly doubt regular people during the depression compared their problems as being equally severe as those in the Nazi prison camps. So, do not belittle the scapegoat experience by comparing it to some Gen Zer's pronoun or misgendering problem or anything else trivial such as this. If their parents failed to train them to endure adversity, they need to pull up their big kid panties and acquire some coping skills. And, on that note, I am extremely pissed that therapists are taking these whiny babies as clients over those who truly suffer--the discarded elderly and disabled people with real trauma-based mental health issues. Everyone is throwing around the word trauma so much it has lost it's meaning, just like the word 'love'.

[@cyrusdeboo6423]

I love this video

[@michellec717]

It's like you are my conscious almost ..how the f do you know ??? Youre verbalizing things I've only been brave enough to think.....and rarely.. and only in the dark

[@DanielEckles]

"Who finds" vs "finds who"

[@rinahgberg312]

❤

[@pamwatkins4855]

Honorary Jay😅

[@Hippowdon121]

fyi you wrote the title wrong "it's only me FINDS WHO this difficult" --> who finds

[@firehorse9996]

True. But your comment (about the obvious) only reinforces Jay's message how the voice of overly critical and negative parents echoes on in our heads. Going out of your way to condemn and point out the mistakes of others -- especially those few and far-between people who are trying to help you heal -- is a bad pattern instilled by NPD parents. Break free of it. Watch your life improve.

[@Hippowdon121]

sure but it's also obvious he missed it, I don't think this is an example of going out of one's way to condemn or point out the mistakes of others. I meant it as a friendly reminder to change the title. Your reply is pretty out of line. Thanks.

[@MagneticNorthbound]

Thanks, DAD. /j

[@johncollier3175]

Jay, You're a really good writer! (A+++) A pot of tea helps me get started. I also like this advice, "Dare to be mediocre." We all think you're wonderful and so refreshing, because you are genuine and kindhearted. You're leading us down this difficult path, and are so helpful. Laurie

[@cairosilver2932]

In the theme of finding someone fallible and valuable, did you find anything valuable in the video? Or just the failing?

[@pamwatkins4855]

And why not go to a place where you find right, care and ways of Gods. I just dont want her anymore, I dont care about her to be a liar to myself, I've not trusted my life in my makers hand, 😢 ps139😮

[@CanadianBear47]

i had that feeling today doing homework as in fear and despair of me stopping and and how its hard. with mental health stuff basically.