Healing the Wish To Be Someone Else After Narcissistic Abuse

[@1RPJacob]

Trying to heal while still being in contact with a toxic family is like trying to blow dry your hair standing in the middle of a rainstorm.

[@bernadinefouche7786]

The less they know about your life, the better. Because truly, considering YOUR LIFE has only been an inconvenience to them. Hope you find better within yourself. Im stepping out of the role today.

[@lisadoidge1034]

You have described my entire life in this video. It helps to hear someone explain it to me. I have gone through life believing something was wrong with me.

[@themmydiedrichs8107]

You're not alone❤

[@imnoel8214]

Eventually I did become the person I'd dreamed of being as a child, educated and independent. I've only started to feel like that person through learning the truth about being the scapegoat. You helped me do that Jay. You have my heartfelt thanks!

[@peterstaker3230]

Congrats!!!

[@LeiraHP]

U were that big, good quality person since u were a child.

[@Hippowdon121]

​@@LeiraHP True 🤔😊

[@lixandraspartan5355]

So proud of you!!! I’m on my way 🫶🏽

[@fuzbugg]

so wild how we need to become blind to ourselves to "belong" ... so hard for self esteem

[@ekkamailax]

Interacting with small children from healthy families can be healing. The other day I’m at dinner with a friend, his wife and 4 year old daughter. I asked the daughter “what’s your favorite ice cream.” She said her favorite flavor, then I told her my favoring flavor. To my complete shock, the parents did not insult her (or me for that matter). Coming from a family where any mention of your likes, needs and preference is met with insults put downs and mockery, moments like this are incredibly healing. I remember feeling shocked and thinking to myself “wow there are actually parents who don’t insult their child for expressing their favorite flavor of ice cream.”

[@stanleydrive740]

Hi. I hear you! I saw a conversation between a mom & her grade school age kid. The mom asked what activities the kid wanted to try in the coming new school year. You could tell from the mom's tone that anything the kid answered would have been okay!!! I felt so shocked. It dawned on me that other families are different from mine! I remember that conversation still, a half century later.

[@ekkamailax]

@@stanleydrive740 I can imagine how you felt. It reminds me of spending time with another family with two kids ages 4 and 2. The 4 year old is more introverted and laid back (but still confident), and the 2 year old is very extroverted and animated. And the parents just let them be themselves. They don't shame the 4 year old for being introverted and compare her to the 2 year old. It's extremely shocking to see parents actually let their kids be their authentic selves.

[@user339]

I know that feeling. Years ago I mentioned to my brother (we were both adults by then) that I used to like to watch other families interact when I was a kid. It was fascinating to see how nice they were to one another, among other things. He said he used to do that, too.

[@ekkamailax]

@@user339 Thank you for sharing your experience. It's nice to know there are people like you out there who share a similar experience. Interacting with babies and children from healthy families is incredibly healing. I think it helps to build the neural pathways that we were supposed to develop at that age but never did. Just having a simple conversations with a 4 year old about her favorite ice cream and watching the parents NOT make fun of her was a life changing experience. Unreal.

[@marcinpaz4579]

All the suffering and absence of love help me embrace GOD'S mercy and unconditional love.

[@mtc-j9i]

Amen 🙏🏽 ❤

[@HeartFeltGesture]

He knows our pain and our True Heart.

[@barbaraferrier9956]

I think this explains how I escaped the abuse - almost, and then slipped back into being a punching bag, over time, in my marriage. My empowered, ideal self benefitted others, but was afraid of the danger when it came time to own my strengths for my own benefit.

[@mtc-j9i]

This is my story, too! I rebuilt my life and identity and self esteem after leaving home only to be taken for a ride and used for all my strengths in my marriage. This is the second time I’m having to rebuild my life and identity.

[@moirabijker]

Thank you, Jay for explaining this complex psychological dynamic. I remember clearly how for the longest time I literally wanted to be anyone but myself. It was so painful to live in this state. Thankfully over time I have developed a self that I can respect and love - the person I had been all the time but couldn't show in the toxic family system. Your work is absolutely stellar.

[@PaintingandExercise]

I found that it worked better for me to first, escape the narcissistic abuse and go No Contact and then, start analyzing/understanding the abuse and making sense of it all. Since my narc abusers did not live in the same town I was mostly able to live in defiance of the narc rules. My self esteem was fine. But when I would go visit them the games would start again and they would play their sick games on me. They would have me feeling like dirty, lowly Cinderella in no time. It has been 1 year and 9 months since no contact.

[@seachange2512]

So encouraging to know your self-esteem is intact and that you are discovering freedom you always deserved.

[@Me2yrnotalone]

Yes the games are so cunning but when I began to see the repetition and patterns it was so enlightening and they start to loose their power to hurt😅

[@weaviejeebies]

This is so true for me and so incredibly painful. Maybe even one of the worst parts. I could never be proud of myself because I could never achieve that radically different self -- the one who didn't have ADHD. Even after decades of adulthood, I couldn't look at my life and give myself the ok. I didn't feel like I could be happy without earning that ok from myself, and the criteria were my parent's unattainable standards. Then I embraced Buddhism, and the principles of meditation practice, keeping mindfulness habitually active compassion, the precepts of non-harm, right actions, etc gave me the value system, perspective, and set of honorable self-discipline guidelines allowed me to set a new healthy criteria for self-evaluation. The meditation practices gave me the executive control and cognitive expansion to see I'd been playing a sick person's rigged game my whole life. _The world is NOT what they taught you it is. These rules are NOT REAL!_ YOU _can see the world and its principles for_ YOURSELF!

[@moirabijker]

This is a lovely comment to read. Like you I have also embraced many Buddhist concepts and practices. It's been life changing. We really can learn to see ourselves and the world differently. Blessings. 🪷🙏

[@FMAeva]

Sorry do you know a mindfulness activity that's not too boring for ADHD? When I try to do it, I distract myself all the time, I can't stay focused for one minute.

[@weaviejeebies]

@FMAeva pretty much the best thing for me is mantra recitation. It's the only thing that keeps my ADHD brain occupied...kind of like a fidget spinner for my hyper mind. I also do many other kinds of meditation, but mantra is the most common for me. I use several nice mantras, one of the most universally used one is "Om mani padme hum" which my mind latches onto in a singsong kind of way. Another is "gatte gatte parasamgatte bodhi swaha". Pronunciations and guidance for chanting are available here in KZbin from many good sources. There are two ladies I love especially that have recorded tracks of 108 repeats (the Buddhist tradition is to chant in sets of 108). The musicians are Tinna Tinh and Deva Premal. I often just listen to them in my headphones. I use a lot of direct quotations from Buddhist sutras. The other I use a lot is Namo Amituofo", which is a salutation of Amitabha Buddha, who in the Pure Land Buddhist belief is the Buddha of a heaven we can all go to after death to learn a more perfected enlightenment. If you aren't Buddhist, other religions have mantras that honor Christian and Hindu holy ones, and Islam has many recitations to praise to God alone. My point is, if you're going to give your mind something to say over and over and over again, you should try to say something uplifting. You can say things that aren't religion specific, such as "peace and goodness abiding" or an affirmation like "I wish to share kindness with myself and others". There's a Zen teacher who says any phrase can be a mantra practice, even "coca cola" if one approaches it with the intention to help clear the mind and bring the chanter to be present in the moment. It took a diligent daily practice to start the habit of returning to a single focus point, a single set of nice soothing words in my head when I start to get scattered (which is basically all the time, I'm sure you know what I mean when I say my head has 999 conversations going at once, it's a common ADHD experience). But after a relatively short time, like a month, I found I started automatically coming back to the mantra when I got stressed and thinking too much at once. Basically I think what I did is harness my ADHD obsessive mental loops to say something positive and when I hear it going in my head, it reminds me of other positive things, like the Buddhist eightfold path (a commitment to ethical behavior) or just feeling compassion for myself and others. Very good for me during trigger moments.

[@hazel_basil7415]

It feels like if I succeed or people like me, I’ve fooled them or somehow faked my way there

[@janettemartin4604]

Imposter syndrome

[@janettemartin4604]

Is this related to “Imposter Syndrome “? I know that I had thought good about myself to only wait for the NEGATIVE Reviews from family before I accepted that they are RIGHT and I am not good enough!

[@lolo9553ify]

I was told by my parents that if people liked me it meant I had pulled one over on them. "Wait till they find out what you're really like," they liked to say. Well, the people who said that to us were lying. They were wrong. I figured out that I actually liked and trusted myself by realizing how good I felt when I was alone.

[@dark7angel456]

Me too. Gaslight yourself without knowing?

[@aihirockso8146]

Currently in the painful transition process of accepting my ideal self as a native not a foreigner. After years of downplaying my positive attributes and accomplishments in hopes of sharing a reality with a narc parent, i finally chose to love myself unconditionally. Thank you Doc

[@sk.2422]

absolutely true, and yes, true also that you never can do or say things right, always critic never any friendly reaction....it feels extremely difficult, I try for so many years and as soon as I meet unsafe people I fall back. That s frustrating....

[@prismbrandingrealestatebra6301]

This "other" person scapegoats wish to become is the golden child.

[@amberfuchs398]

Very helpful video. My therapist says I have structural dissociation from enduring my childhood, so this video resonates strongly with me. I'm practicing being proud of myself for my efforts and accomplishments. I was told my healthy pride was hubris, so realizing it's safe and healthy to have self-esteem is a new experience.

[@andreasmith4365]

Jay, Your videos are a light in the dark. Your words are so true. It takes my breath away and I’m realizing how much I need to do to work on my recovery and I thank you for providing these tools.

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

You are so welcome

[@sarahtyster7342]

this was brilliant. it made total sense of a lot of aspects I have found very frustrating about change. thank you.

[@pavanatanaya]

The hyper critical tendency reminds me of my own childhood. Military culture has that tendency as well. My Father didnt have children. He only had recruits

[@seachange2512]

Yes, I resonate with your experience. For the most part I didn't experience a warm nourishing environment in which to thrive. Custodial care was a more fitting term often. We deserved so much better.

[@sinesolesoleo5474]

Thank you so much. Understanding these two self-concepts is so helpful. I think I’ve been stuck in this for decades. Perhaps I was using therapy to make myself believe I’m on the right track to becoming the ideal self, without ever allowing myself to identify with this in any way. The punching-bag self feels so real-as if it really were me, the evil one who has to be kept in chains forever.

[@seachange2512]

May you find freedom from the chains and loving connection with your true worthiness. We have suffered enough...

[@sinesolesoleo5474]

​​@@seachange2512​Thank you , I will try to do just that. Thankfully my therapist is very interested in learning about this kind of abuse; hopefully all of this information will soon be standard knowledge for therapists around the globe.​@seachange2512

[@dawnwilliams9524]

You have clarified my confusion as I am growing into myself. Thank you for giving me the way to keep going and to help me understand that this is ok now. To be me, which feels unsafe now but will hopefully feel at home one day.

[@mysticsuzi]

Ouch. Jay, sometimes you say things so true that I have felt so deep down but when you just say those words outloud, oh, I think that imposter lady pops her head up. Thank you for saying what I have not been able to say out loud.

[@rob_see]

wow. so accurate how you describe these dynamics. especially the part about seeking achievement like through work but not being able to take credit. i relate to that a lot

[@esterhudson5104]

It’s unbelievable how painful this is. The hardest bit of awareness I’ve ever done and an epic amount of avoidance. But my God do the pieces fit..

[@heifie2540]

I didn't become the person I wished because I wasn't allowed to follow my dream and was held back from education.I try my best but I 'm not able to compensate the lack of education. I also have a lack of emotional and social education.

[@mistakenmillenial6834]

This is so like me. Every video from Jay is bittersweet. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much.

[@Melissa-qb1sh]

Thank you Jay! I’m so grateful that you have chosen this as your specialty. I’ve learned a lot about abuse and narcissism from other sources, but never from the perspective of the scapegoat, and never with a path of recovery. ❤

[@lolo9553ify]

You describe a major facet of my childhood here and I'm shaking with the recognition. I didn't think anyone could possibly know or understand. Everyone listening and commenting here though has experienced this. I got shredded by my parents' scapegoating of me. It's harmed me for a lifetime but I'm starting to find answers and solutions to old problems by learning everything I can about this phenomenon and why my path was what it was. I didn't know about narcissistic abuse then. My entire childhood I just prayed every night to become somebody else, somebody worthy and sometimes I copied my parents and literally punched out the punching bag self. I harmed myself but I've stopped now. Thanks to this community, I'm aware of what happened and I'm determined to change the outcome and love who I am. I will take care of me. Thanks for sharing your hard-earned knowledge with us.

[@daniellfourie]

I could completely relate to Sam and his goal with his bicycle.

[@dark7angel456]

I hated having a label thrown at me in life. Always feeling unsettled even if i am not doing anything wrong. This video nails it again... i attract narcisisstic people that deprive me and offend me to the core. Imposter syndrome is the worst feeling! I used to make goals and be extremely hard on myself. I feel similar to Sams story.I Criticism, contempt and rejection from most people i came across in life...

[@jl3268]

Practically every day of my childhood i had to hear my mother say "Why can't you be more like your brother? I wish you were like paul"".

[@seachange2512]

Ugh!! We have always been worthy of being known and appreciated for who each of us are in our own uniqueness! If I may, I celebrate you that way!

[@HeartFeltGesture]

What we wish we had said to the parent "Why cant you be less of an a-hole, like my friends parents?"

[@10Hags5]

Hey scapegoaters❤

[@kaoutar6921]

We were but not anymore buddies ❤❤

[@jaulloa21]

I’m a 🐐

[@barbaraalbert5600]

I haven't wished to be someone else. I dissociated. My brain has a mind of its own. Not finding this even worth a smirk.

[@kasrakhavarinejad1476]

Hello. I've come to realize that many scapegot survivor of narcissistic abuse develop OCDP (obsessive-compolsive personality disorder) and it's never pointed out! even what you're saying is sometimes the symptoms or beliefs of this personality disorder. So please consider this in further execution. Thanks again 👌

[@SherryWilson-dk7bo]

Thank you so much for this information. This reminds me of a saying that I heard years ago about us already being who we want to be in our dreams, we just don't know it. ❤🙏

[@antjestr1047]

no one can dive so deep and describe these dynamics as good as you! Thank you!! Its so true and eye opening! Currently I try to figure out who I am... its difficult, this video helps I think

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

You're so welcome!

[@Esmeralda18026]

Ty. It is so complicated to understand these interactions. But this hits home so much. Wait till i grow up! Ofcourse it was not that easy (no tools)and with every visit home the hopelessness and worthlessness was injected at every goodbye and with behind my back actions and conversations.

[@jawnsolo0]

Man, this one hit home.

[@miss-winner]

This information is invaluable. Thank you, Jay! I'm currently doing IFS on myself. I've experienced great progress. I've come across a part that has 'told' me exactly what you are saying in this video. She showed me a path that led from her. One path was dark and had bad attributes, the other was light and airy and had good attributes. She said she can only walk the path of bad attributes. I know, that these positive attributes are native to her, but she says for her safety, she must believe they are not. She's so dissociated from these positive attributes; it is like asking someone on Earth to describe the continents on Neptune. She's unburdening. I'm grateful for her courage, and I am immensely immensely grateful for you Jay. I wonder, is this the same as structural dissociation?

[@domingabarboza9897]

TY for your passion and compassion 😊

[@aworldwithoutsin6384]

I wish there was a therapist on here for the 8nvisible child. All I ever hear about is the hero and scapegoat child

[@yamlwoz]

Dear Jay, you're an international treasure. The fact of your videos being about the narrow field of scapegoat recovery is such a blessing, and makes every video so relevant. I would really love to hear about the concept of standing up for ourselves if you see fit to do that. Over my life I've had a few times where I've dared to ask people to treat me differently, but I shake uncontrollably as I'm doing it. It's so embarrassing! As if it wasn't hard enough to speak up in the first place 😢 Please do you have any insight? I'm sure I'm not the only person who struggles with this ❤

[@urbanlee1349]

I really needed to hear these things. It’s amazing how our brain contorts to help us survive. It means the world to me that the foreign ideal self is actually who I already am. It means the world to me That I can discard the punchingbag self. It’s a balancing act but I feel I’m in the right direction. A lot of mental work to start talking with fairness and compassion toward myself. Thank you for this invaluable information. It really means so much to me.

[@aquariusstar7248]

So this is what the "splitting off"after trauma looks like! I read about this but could not see nor experience the reality of this within myself. Now I can actually see it and start off by mindfully observing how the ideal self and the punching bag self show up at any moment. I can start to take notes and learn more about this split and dissolve this disassociation within myself. I'm determined to buy your new course, but in the meantime, I will do this as prep work and read your new ebook. Thank you for this, Jay❤❤❤

[@ileanaprofeanu7626]

I've been struggling with these feelings all my life, I am quite an introspective and self aware person and I always wondered both when will I be the person that I want to be, as well as what does that even mean, if I am not me now then who I am, and if I am not myself in the process of becoming myself then how could I attribute what I do to myself... all these are such mind twisters and I need to listen to your video very carefully, thank you for addressing this!

[@nimrodelbeats]

Jay please read this. Jay, what to do when I am autistic also so since I have alexithymia only thing I hear is my narc parents thoughts only? Every time I do something good only way I can register it is associating it with their fake good side (ah, just like them) , while every time they do something bad only way I can register and make sense of it is associating it with me (ah, bad like me). It's like I am all bad, all wrong and vice versa. I know on cognitive level that I am all good but my problem always was that coping with injustice and unfair treatment is so unbearable that it feels comfortable to pretend I deserve it. I can't even control it is that much automated, I think if one day brain fails to gaslight me and if I register things as are I may die due to sheer effect of realizing the truth so it somehow stays contained. If I realize that I was treated unfairly I think I am gonna murder them all out of revenge so since I don't want the pain of feeling abused I simply can't get out this prison. What can I even do if my self-gaslight is automated like this? My brain simply protects me and I have zero power over changing it. Please make video on this topic, that is, how scapegoat can tolerate unfairness. If I allow that I am good I am scared to death of possible injustices that gonna happen. I don't even believe it is possible to tackle this defense mechanism unless my whole brain plasticity is changed or some freud-tier hypnosis is done to me.

[@fuzbugg]

check out Christiana Davidson she has good KZbin videos and does hypnosis for narcissistic abuse survivors

[@erikahalle4132]

I hear you. It took me decades to really see what was happening without making excuses for my parents because the injustice was too great and my autistic sense of fairness/justice had to explain it both for them and preserving our relationship and for my own mental stability. It was (and still sometimes is) so hard to be really honest about how unjust and abusive my childhood was. It is really hard work, but it can be done. Baby steps. The change needed to get there is dramatic and, at least for me, very uncomfortable as I don't like change and it feels bad and wrong. I had to do it a very tiny bit at a time to help my brain adjust and not rebel against the changes.

[@seachange2512]

I hope you find all the good solid support and resources you may need to accompany you to more and more freedom.

[@Me2yrnotalone]

I’m not autistic but I often struggle with the unfairness of it all. I have a Narc mother and narc ex husband who I was unhappily married to for 22 years. Both of these narcs seen to sail through life with no consequences to their abusive destructive actions. In my worse moments I long for some really bad karma to descend on them

[@SarahaMalone]

Thank you Jay. This video is incredibly accurate and helpful in allowing me to better understand my childhood. It resonates very strongly. Thank you for all you do and for the safe community you have fostered, here. Lots of love to all watching and reading this.

[@nimrodelbeats]

Holy molly, this is bizarrely accurate. Jay, you are effin GOAT therapist, this is truthest thing I have ever heard about my life. Just how do you articulate this, how, how, how.

[@CurtisMoe]

Wow Jay. I have slowly been watching all over your videos from the beginning. This one resonates so much, and brought some of those wonderful, healing tears. Thank you

[@mauiswift6391]

You are so articulate and easy to understand, quite intelligent. Thank you.

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

I appreciate that, thank you!

[@nelznia]

You are Truly Godsent 🙏🏽🙌🏾✨

[@lindac6919]

I feel like I got a lot better, for a long time...and then, somehow, I fell into rumination and got miserable again.

[@compassion77]

Yes I really identify 100. Dunno how you figure this out Jay it is so long standing and ingrained. But these 2 selves are so familiar.

[@mediacreations5996]

Such an interesting perspective, punching bag self, thanks Jay🙏Hope you have a wonderful weekend,many blessings to you ✨💫🌈

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

You are so welcome

[@Gei-r6o]

Wow.... wow...

[@creatormom123]

I always appreciate your videos Jay!!❤

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

I appreciate that!

[@dio69666]

Damn you are experienced and have seen a lot of people like me. Please can you do a video on parent/child role reversal? Because when I was only 3 I would have terror attacks because I saw my parents as my age instead of me. During some of the most traumatic moments I could see myself through their eyes, literally visually. And didn't know who was who. What is that?

[@maiastniki]

thankyou

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

You're welcome!

[@elisabethstabel2082]

Thank you so much for everything you do for us!

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

You are so welcome!

[@lisaperez8276]

🎯🙏🏼💖

[@CanadianBear47]

i wonder if this is why i am always going to therapy and learning about this abuse trying to run away from that part of my self. i think healing means for me integrating those 2 parts. as part of me. this is such painful work.