What is Emotional Blackmail?

[@lolly5433]

That meditation frog in the back is iconic

[@Katimorton]

And to think I found him in a bargain bin in the back of Pier 1 imports!! hahah!!

[@_just_TK]

Lara_the_cat namaste frog! ☮️ 🐸

[@kerrylarmand6301]

Ahhhh, I miss pier one....now closed in Canada...boo.

[@dooei94]

😂 it’s so cute

[@49ersfoldem]

Yeah thats 🔥🔥

[@previousname9077]

When I started attempting to set boundaries with my mother, she reacted so badly to the boundaries that I have now gone full no contact and my life has gotten so much better. I am educating my daughter now on what emotional blackmail looks like so that she has this very important skillset.

[@sarsfeafronzi5197]

yes, this is important to know when it comes to narcissism.

[@joeblow9657]

Good for you

[@divinahbeauty250]

At what age did you start to teach her this?

[@alysiiiiii]

My mom is an expert at emotional blackmail. My parents like to do the “when I die, then you will know” shit and it pisses me off so much.

[@aking3624]

I've gotten to the point that i simply agree with them..

[@violentfemme30]

My mother in law says stuff like that to my husband allll the time. I hate it. 😑

[@hannahudi7021]

mine says "you really wish i would k*ll myself don't you? it would be better for you" and i literally get so angry every time

[@Petapan33]

OMG my mum would always say...well you better enjoy this time with me because I might not be alive much longer or I better hug her because she isn’t sure she will see me again. I never realised what it was until about 12 months ago...took 32 years!

[@beautyfrompainxxx]

My dad does that too. Abused me and siblings mostly our whole childhood and now that we’re done with his bs, he always says shit like ‘someday you guys will understand and come back’ or ‘I’m the only one who will love you’

[@riyapotter]

The "narcissistic parent" video is what gave me a breakthrough in therapy and life. This one is building onto it. Thanks!

[@lorianne4608]

Riya Potter the narcissistic mother is the route of my issues. I’ve learned so much from you. I learned also that guilt is a waste of time. We can never unring the bell. I learned that I must forgive myself. These abusive people are unhappy + will maneuver themselves into your life. As long as we can own our mistakes many times that guilt will fade. Make peace with yourself somehow. You will feel better. Stay mindful of the moment. This is really only what we have now. I hope you are okay + doing better!!

[@CelebritiesStars]

Hey you, scrolling through the comments stay safe and have a great day

[@_just_TK]

Skrt Fn ❤️

[@PhillipCornwell1974]

You too @Skrt Fn!

[@49ersfoldem]

Thanks John

[@raywood8187]

I don't want to go to the park right now so I'll go scrolling through remarks all day, in the merry merry month of May.

[@ennvee3354]

3:pm ct going to get some sunshine 🌞,thanks 🌈

[@fembot521]

“Don’t worry you won’t always hav me” was my moms favourite line if we disagreed with her. She also loooved the silent treatment and withdrawal of love as punishment.

[@wendlingk2702]

I’m 30 and my mother is currently trying to give me the silent treatment. But I live two states away and although I feel the silence, it’s nice to know she won’t be calling.

[@wendlingk2702]

Oh and her fave line was “You just use me for my money! If I died you wouldn’t care!”

[@gabrielamespinoza]

That's horrible

[@SusieQ78]

I fall for manipulation often because I have so much empathy for others. It seems so much easier to do what they "need", but it cost me my own needs. I have got to figure out how to slow this down. Very helpful video Kati.

[@jessicaberry87]

I had to mute a family member. She used to string me into doing something I had no interest doing by saying two words, "I'm telling!" I'm no contact with this person now and I'm so grateful for the peace I now have in my life. Thank you for making this video!

[@bonniehuang8696]

Older generations do this to me all the time. My grandma always tries to guilt trip me into giving up my career and life and relationships and come to her side and take care of her and my father. Because "are you this heartless to leave your dad all alone by himself?"

[@12himitsu12]

You should just agree: yep I am freakin' heartless and go on with your life. You just take "guilt" weapon away from them. It's hard but usually works.

[@bubblepopper1234]

It scares me that I’ve acted like this and tolerated other people acting this way. Being in a toxic relationship sometimes feels like a, “hurt or be hurt” mentality, and it’s so easy to get sucked in. The resentment and anger builds and you feel so intensely that they owe you their love and respect. You’ve stood by their side, you’ve been there for them at their lowest, you’ve stood up for them when no one would, and they STILL treat you like you don’t really matter - like you never mattered. Logically, I know I shouldn’t use that against them. It just crushes me to feel like I’m not worth what I try so hard to give out.

[@jellydarling1008]

Dude I’ve been feeling this so hard core. Even with people who never intended this for me just because I couldn’t set up a boundary. When I did though it frightened me. Eventually I saw that the world did not attack me when I did

[@bubblepopper1234]

Hailey darling Yeah I get that. For me it feels like a never ending cycle. It’s really painful and demeaning at times.

[@rebeccag4623]

This video was so eye opening. My mom wouldn’t look me in the eyes or hug me when I was on medications so I stopped taking them. My dad pretended I didnt exist and completely ignored me for over 9 months after it came out that I made an attempt. And if I look pathetic, embarrassing, or like a disappointment again they’ll cut me out of the family. I won’t be able to see my siblings anymore. So I don’t get help, when I really really need it. My mental health has progressively gotten worse for years because of this. I really appreciated this video because it reminds me that what they do isn’t okay. And that makes me feel less guilty about everything. Thanks Kati.

[@PaperParade]

Whoa. Are you able to distance yourself from them? I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

[@rebeccag4623]

PaperParade thank you so much, that means a lot. I can’t really distance myself anymore than I am now. With the lockdown I’m stuck inside and I live at home. i can’t afford to move out, and if I did they’d stop paying for my college so I’d have to drop out. I just keep my life as separate from theirs as possible. Which unsurprisingly is quite difficult a lot of the time. I’m 20 but they’ve only very recently topped tracking my phone, there’s still cameras inside the house, there’s close to no privacy. But I have plans to get some, even small, amounts of help once the lockdown eases. If I get caught trying to get help alone, I’ll be kicked out of the family and be homeless, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Things have gotten far too bad to continue with the way things are.

[@giorgia6840]

Rebecca G oh my gosh!! This is awful! Hang on in there, you’re gonna make it! Remember, when you’re going to be on your own two feet you’re gonna need to keep them out of your life as much as possible, you will need it to heal yourself!

[@Hope4all2]

Rebecca G I am really hoping for the best for you. You deserve so much more; you have the potential to have a beautiful life and I really hope you get it.

[@eRoTiCCrEaTiOnS]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. See if the college offers mental health services. Some do. Also see if you can start applying to an insane amount of scholarships and state grants. That money seems to be putting a lot of weight over your head. And find a job, any job. Amazon is taking people still if you have a warehouse in your area

[@evren8024]

This hits home. My father only acknowledges I exist only if I do what he wants. And even then, I’m still only an extension of him. Never seeing me as my own person

[@admirbarucija2018]

I never knew what this was called before, but I’ve experienced it several times! It’s a big reason why I still feel apprehensive about expressing emotions/feelings. I hope you have a marvelous day Kati 💜

[@Katimorton]

I am so glad this was helpful.. it can be hard to know when it's happening to you! xoxo

[@admirbarucija2018]

Kati Morton I appreciate it very much, and you’re absolutely right! Often it takes a lot of deep reflection before realizing

[@admirbarucija2018]

Sun Flower Unfortunately, I have to agree with you. People always say it’s okay to be vulnerable and express yourself, and then constantly hold it over your head when you do. I’m sorry to hear that, your grandfather sounds like a wonderful person! I hope you find more people you can genuinely connect with.

[@mrs.humbledfive9297]

We have to respect each other's emotional boundaries. People usually let you know how much of a support they can be for you but we will sometimes ignore them in order to have our way.

[@Katimorton]

Couldn't agree more! xoxo

[@gabrielamespinoza]

So true! They KNOW and I emphasize in all caps ! Their actions eventually will expose themselves! 🙏

[@LexxiKitty]

Emotional blackmail is the most frustrating thing :/ when you can see they're trying to do it and you don't care enough for it to matter also makes you feel like a goddamn monster...

[@Katimorton]

It can be tricky that way because we want to help or do the thing, but we know it's manipulation... ugh!!

[@LexxiKitty]

@Sun Flower yes oh my god! I've always felt like I have no feelings but once I KNOW for a fact they're using a tactic? My walls are up, yessiree. In the end it's them at fault not us!

[@LexxiKitty]

@@Katimorton it drives me crazy! If they were to approach their feelings normally they'd get a much better reaction, I wonder how people learn to blackmail like this... Its sad. My bf used to cry on cue to make me react, at the start i got upset and complied but then learnt to just... Pretend it wasn't happening and stick my ground. Ps, I adore your videos, so articulate and to the point :)

[@Nooo893]

I had this happen to me. A friend went through some terrible things, and obviously I tried to support them. But I felt like I was their nanny. I felt like I had to constantly watch them and take care of them all the time. Or else something bad will happen. They refused to get mental health and they constantly kept assigning me responsibility for them. Any relationship (except parents to children) should be supporting one another, not being a nanny. After I left, I felt free and not so stressed. It's crazy what just 2 years of toxicity can do to you.

[@Lostcause1974]

Sometimes I question if my sadness, depression, and suicidal ideation is for attention or if its a form of manipulation. Thank you for the information!

[@KatGrid]

I feel you!

[@jacqbohn]

I relate to this so much! It's actually a form of impostor syndrome that we internalize when people invalidate our pain. The only time it's genuinely manipulation is when there's an underlying threat or consequence involved. Reaching out and asking for help does not make you a bad person!

[@_just_TK]

Kati has a great video on this!

[@danieljgore1]

By being aware that others can be hurt you’re already taking an important step. However, YOU are also being hurt by your condition. You are not bad or manipulative because of things that you do in pain as long as you remember not to FOG the people who love the better parts of you. I named my negative voice and started talking back- it helped me start separating from patterns that might FOG people but it also helped me forgive my mother for FOGging the shit out of me (because it was that part of her, not all of her) without letting the FOG continue.

[@kittymellow5864]

Wow! I have to say I admire the vulnerability it must have taken for you to say that.

[@mandytiefen9913]

I let my friend and his cat stay on my couch when he got evicted, lost his job, and was homeless. He soon became emotionally abusive. Every time I told him I had enough and to leave he would take my phone, threaten to get me fired, get me evicted, or put his cat (who I became attached to and loved) into a two week kill shelter. Since technically the cat was his... Finally I couldn’t take it ANY MORE. I was willing to lose my apartment, job, and cat just to get away from him... THANKFULLY God protected me and I got to keep my apartment, job, and most importantly cat. I had to call the police though but was scared to death. He also guilted me by saying I was abandoning him and he would be in a homeless shelter.

[@carterlang6072]

I love how this both talks about how to deal with other people who do this and how to stop doing it yourself.

[@StephanieArtsIs]

It always fustrates me when sombody hints instead of just come out and saying it, its as if they already know the answer is No, but they dance around it so they can manipulate your decisions.

[@fuhgetabatit1051]

"We don't owe our parents anything" 👏👏

[@scarletshield009]

A great example would be Mother Gothel from tangled. She uses the guilt trip method to control Rapunzel. In her song it uses F.O.G.

[@sarsfeafronzi5197]

I would like to add that if there is a narcissist in your life, and they're still crossing boundaries that you set, it might be time to go no contact. I've found with my own research that a NM or NF or any narc will unlikely change. If this kind of manipulation continues after boundaries, stopping contact might be the best thing you can do. It can hurt and it is very hard depending on the situation, but your well-being is more important than their manipulation.

[@giobach3622]

for me the guild of someone commiting a suicide that i could have prevented is to much to handle.(sry for mistakes, eng is not my mother thoungh)

[@starsfire_93]

I ended up bursting into tears when Kati said it's not your fault.

[@larag1764]

Several members of my extended family are experts in emotional blackmail. This video validates my decision to cut off contact with those hurtful, manipulative people in order to protect myself. It wasn't easy but worth it. Thanks, Kati.

[@ashleem3327]

My mom and step dad are MASTERS of this. Here are some of my favorites: “You HAVE to come to your grand pops birthday, it could very well be his last” even when there are people there who could emotionally or physically hurt me. Or this “when your kids turn 18, i have everything you ever sent to me printed out to blow you out of the water” or “you should be ashamed of yourself” or when I didn’t want to help my sister for 322nd time “You have no compassion or empathy for your family”. I’ve heard it all!!

[@katelynmbullock]

I was in an abusive relationship and the guy I was with did this to me every single day. It’s good to put a name to what was happening to me.

[@pigeonsoccs5210]

thanks for making this, Kati. I was emotionally blackmailed when I was 11 by my “friend”, and she really just didn’t know how else to be friendly, and that was her way of showing that. She’s gotten so much better and we’re not great friends anymore, but now she treats me like a person because I spoke up about how it felt, and she said she felt pretty bad about that, so she apologized and I’m in the process of forgiving her :)

[@cathleenmutnick6857]

OMG! You just described my mother & our 51 yr relationship to a T. She's a master at emotional blackmail. And now that I have moved her into a memory care facility (she has advanced dementia), that skill seems to be even stronger. You & my therapist have hit the nail on the head...I don't OWE her anything. Her living arrangements are for her own safety & I did that out of love & respect. I'll never be able to please her & setting boundaries is vital to my own mental wellbeing. Thank you for validating the little girl in me doesn't have to be her target anymore.

[@iris__and_rhizomes]

Great video - as always! I like that you gave examples of emotional blackmail. Because you get so fearful and guilty and, yes, foggy, when it happens, that reason goes out the window. If I’m blindsided, it’s worse. So the examples will hopefully stay in my mind and when the blackmail happens, little alarm bells will go off that say “pay attention! This is what Kati was talking about! Listen to Kati!” 😊 You’re the best, Kati. Have a great day and tell Sean hello for me.

[@joeycrowder7748]

As a recent college graduate with my minor in counseling psychology your videos are a great motivation to stay on track with my plans and get to a point where I can help people.

[@anthonyortiz3142]

I don't use emotional blackmail. If anyone I know asks me how I'm doing, I'll express whether I'm feeling down or not. If they tell me to "rise above" or "move on," it's cringe to me. If you never cared in the first place, why bother asking? Not everyone has good vibes 24/7.

[@laurahoskins667]

Anthony Ortiz this is such a huge issue for people who are trying to help! It can so easily cross the line into toxic positivity, where instead of being actually reassuring and comforting, people are made to feel like their problems aren’t valid or their friends don’t care. Hopefully, relationships that are important to them have enough communication that they can express how much it is bothersome, and explain that they need compassion and not simply a positive outlook.

[@merijagilbert4181]

Watching your videos kati is comforting for me. Youd be an amazing therapist

[@melissarey2973]

Public post on FB "I guess I'll spend christmas alone since my kids don't love me " This was the final straw. Haven't spoken to the mother person since. 1) she has acted like that my entire life (before FB she'd call various people in the family with her sob story to get them on her side) 2) She's not alone. She lives with her husband. Other family members of hers and her husband's are within 20 minutes of her house.

[@_just_TK]

Missy Rey so glad you were able to set healthy boundaries!

[@sunnywu9692]

Well said! Put up a healthy boundary. Stop being hurt by these emotional blackmails.

[@johanastaffa8477]

My father has been emotionally blackmailing and even more he was emotionally abusing me and my mom..and it hurts even more even I see my mum hurt than when I am hurt..I guess this may be the reason why I have problems I have..

[@beautyfrompainxxx]

My dad does that too. He was emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive to us. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this...

[@gypsycobsuk5246]

I've noticed I do this when I'm unwell, deffo not proud of it!

[@griffin1837]

proud of u for admitting it

[@linnmusic]

So well explained! Thank you Kati, you're so empathic and down to earth - I love that you talk about heavy subjects in such a "ight manner - you still take it very seriously but I never get triggered when watching your videos because of the way you talk to us - It also makes me think that there is a way through every struggle! thank you

[@magda_mf]

The worst part of it is. When you've experienced this repeatedly from your parents, you start doing this to yourself. You start believing that you owe something to everyone, that you have some obligations. You never learn that you are allowed to have boundaries, because the concept of boundaries was simply non-existent for you when you grew up.

[@Blue.Berry.Gums.]

After being no contact with my deeply manipulative MIL and the rest of the family since then, this is so reassuring to hear. I believe my MIL is a covert narcissist. My husband and I were in the FOG for so long (9+ years) with so many layers of not ok things happening. I’m so thankful to be out of the whole situation and have peace in my marriage but healing from FOG is so much more difficult than I ever expected.

[@andreagrant5221]

One thing I have to say though that with all this talk about "toxic" relationships and ending them, does anyone try to make a relationship work anymore? Or are we just more about cutting people out even our own family members in the name of self care? I don't deny that sometimes it's our only option but I worry that as a culture we may be starting to take this shedding of toxic relationships thing too far.

[@griffin1837]

if it's toxic, degrading your mental health, making you feel unsafe, or just making you feel really shitty, leave. sometimes "trying to make it work" is just not a good option. staying in a toxic place because it is familiar or you're trying to prove a point is not a good idea

[@Nooo893]

I do somewhat agree with you. If it's unsafe or it's damaging to you on a big scale. Like I was emotionally abused and it was severely hurting my mental health. And they wouldn't listen to me and gaslight me. So I just left. If it's unsafe, or they don't listen, leave. Other than that, you should communicate with them. If you do and nothing changes or they deny it. Leave

[@cr3062]

Sadly people often stay to try to work things out...year after year to the destruction of their own health and well being. There's a difference between working out certain problems when both are healthy and willing to do so. But narcissists, aren't interested in give and take only take. They view love as a weakness to exploit. They aren't interested in the power of love but the love of power and control. There are healthy and good people in the world. Once you learn narcissist traits and tactics you'll be able to spot them and chances are, once they figure out you can see them, they usually don't want to stick around. The more you know and learn the more the prople around you change...

[@ellevs1601]

This is truly interesting. Obligation was one my mum used often. Boundaries was a great start in dealing with this, but then the guilt of obligations took over. It was hard to tell her that I am happy to talk, but no negativity or putting people down. The positive self-talk is hard but helps 😊

[@janmots2829]

My narcissistic sister has done this to me a few times. It is one of the main reasons I won't have a relationship with her anymore. Thank you for an interesting video. 👍

[@betherthanever2055]

Totally here for this. Thank you for making videos on these tough topics.

[@Katimorton]

Of course! I hope it's helpful :) xoxo

[@wb8695]

**Middle Eastern parents has entered the chat**

[@user-yd5ll7kr8v]

hahaha

[@ariadnagallegos7575]

The last conversation I had with my ex-boyfriend was pure manipulation. After blaming me for his current life, he told me not to go to his coming funeral as he was about to coming suicide.

[@tash5052]

Never knew there was a word for this...my ex did it all the time, whenever I'd try to leave the relationship or if they felt me pulling away, they'd threaten to self harm again or to attempt suicide. Often they would say that I was the only one they could open up to and talk to about this stuff. Thanks kati for making these videos!

[@rachelrose955]

I developed people pleasing tendencies due to being raised by a narcissist. I have been working on it, but the thing I struggle most with learning boundaries is not projecting my resentment of my people pleasing onto those who don't meet my needs. It's really difficult to tell the difference between what our mind tells us and what is a healthy bounty sometimes. When I communicate a need I have, and express that I feel hurt that I do so much for someone and they aren't willing to meet the need that I have, I can't tell clearly if I'm practicing healthy communication or unknowingly manipulating them to meet my needs. Learning healthy boundaries and behaviors sometimes feels like untangling a mess of chains from an old jewelry box. I don't want to hurt the ones I love, and I don't want to practice unhealthy behaviors. How do you tell the difference between expressing your feelings and manipulation?

[@ayuxx10]

I hate that anytime I express a want or need, it feels like manipulation, especially if the other person responds favorably. Like if I say "Hey, I'm feeling lonely. Will you hang out with me?", and they say "Sure!", I feel like I manipulated them by telling them I feel lonely and they then feel sad about it and want to do something. I don't know how to stop feeling guilt and shame over asking for help, or anything in general. So I ask for as little as I can get away with and make myself as small as possible.

[@ChristinaChrisR]

ayuxx could you maybe just drop the “I’m feeling lonely” part and just ask: do you wanna hang out with me? I’m thinking the chances are you’ll get the honest answer from the latter type question. (I hope you understand what I’m trying to say - English isn’t my first language☺️) Good luck!

[@mollymoon7129]

1 minute into video and I’m seriously wondering aren’t all parents sometimes doing this to their children?🙄

[@haydynfoulke5870]

I find myself in these situations over and over. I try so hard to put up boundaries, but always end up getting manipulated.

[@bobsahno1304]

A step beyond becoming aware of our' self-talk is being able to cultivate and maintain inner silence.

[@beerillo]

I used to be in this toxic relationship with a friend, in which both of us used to abuse each other this way (yep, I'm guilty). We're no loger in touch, I feel way better and I've started helping my friends instead of destroying them. I don't know how she's doing now, but I only wish the best for her. No hatred, no resentment.

[@idekbro9143]

My mother has even gone so far as to "diagnose" me with narcissistic personality disorder because I refused to play along with her games of manipulation and actual physical and emotional abuse. From her point of view, taking care of MY needs and going no contact with her is "selfish" and "narcissistic". Instead of acknowledging the reasons why I went no contact with her in the first place, she would rather pin the blame on something else, anything else. In this case, diagnosing me with something that I do not have. One thing is for sure, it's not making me want to break no contact anymore than it did before

[@creative2716]

Super topic. Toxic relationships are hard to manage, especially if blood relatives. Good luck to all... God luv you, Kati.

[@strangulator42]

I have a friend whose ex would call her in the middle of the night threatening to kill himself if she didn't come over... she finally reached her limit and started calling the police to report him as suicidal when he would do that... he got super pissed when the cops showed up at his house, but he finally learned that he can't just say messed up shit like that to people and expect to be rewarded for it

[@rask004]

Thank you for this and for your other videos about emotional manipulation. They've helped me see how in my past I've repeatedly gotten into relations with emotionally manipulative people, or people being emotionally manipulated by others they love as a rescuer or supporter, and how that relates to emotional manipulation by my (emotionally immature) parents, unintended, and how that played out in my early life. I'm a very late bloomer, and I've realised I've had arrested development in my early life, both due to pervasive development disorder which wasn't recognised early enough, and thus I did not develop as much in skills of emotional regulation, social ability or life skills, and how my parent's and family behaviour denied I was having difficulties or was not receiving the love, attention or mentoring needed to grow, or was enabling behaviours not healthy or being destructive to me. Your videos have helped me see what happened in the past and how I've walked into similar emotional situations again, and now to be aware of it and change, where I can change, for the better. Again,thank you.

[@upshiftingwithdavidbarron]

Great topic and video. Setting healthy boundaries and not feeling guilty to say no is huge.

[@alexanderandrews379]

Thank you Katie, I was a victim of Emotional Blackmail for 5 months. I had no idea that it was happening at the time and I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone. Thank you for sharing this which might prevent this from happening to others. xx

[@ttalgiipssul]

Yay thank you so much for this video Kati! I knew my mother was toxic, now I know in what way she's toxic. I all makes sense now!😇💛

[@katiswan3160]

Thank you Kati for creating this wonderful video and teaching me more about living with narcissist. Stay safe.

[@andreaarias6547]

This is such a great video! I can say "no". Have been manipulated and experienced a friend manipulating her son. Fear, obligation, and guilt need to be avoided.

[@alrightsky]

This is something I know I did as a teenager/young adult. I didn't realize it back then, but thinking back it's definitely something I did because of my chaotic environment and the lack of communication abilities and the lack of having people listen to me and take me seriously. As I got older and managed to distance myself, I realized that it was something along those lines and it made me think for a minute that I was nothing but a horrible, toxic, manipulative person. But these days I've come to think of it more like that while I WAS a toxic person, beating myself up over it today won't help and instead I just feel compassion for my younger self because circumstances definitely made me that way, and instead I'm doing my absolute best to live as a more positive person today. I love these videos, Kati. They help me understand myself and always give me opportunity to grow as a person.

[@Qugoria]

My mother payed for my drivers license without me asking for it. 100% a gift. I thought.... She started guilting me into dropping everything to drive her everywhere and be her personal taxidriver. Anytime I said no she said that it was my fault that her and my younger siblings starved for a month because she payed for my license. I'm currently working towards cutting her off completely, because she is 5/5 a narcissist.

[@Vintageismythingx]

This was so good to learn about! I found as a child (and even now) whenever I disagreed or said to my dad "I don't like how you act/speak to me/my mum" he would try and take something away, even things that as a early teen I needed for example lifts to school clubs. He also would do the whole "well I dropped and picked you up from uni" as if that means I have to accept any of his behaviours, I think he still wanted to show he had that element of power and control. He even did it recently, after an argument, deleting our Photoshop packages knowing I had my work on there, and just said he "didn't care." So toxic and controlling, and I'm glad I can see it better, looking forward to moving out and starting my own life

[@mmfrogi]

Your words are life changing - thank you for all you do and are

[@hockeyangel4930]

This video came at the exact moment for me! Thank you so much. I have been looking to put into words exactly what’s been going on in my life recently. Thank you for making me not feel alone!!❤️❤️

[@shay1525]

It suckssss butt that so many people experience this/feel the need to do this. Loves n healing to both 💗

[@CreativeSelfTherapy]

Thanks so much for your videos. I’ve especially enjoyed the videos where you share how you’re dealing with this pandemic. I’m a therapist too, but no longer work, except for KZbin, because of my chronic illnesses, and to see another therapist even temporarily show her struggles too emotionally just really validated my feelings, so thank you.

[@tiptapkey]

My mom had health issues and use to say "I could be dead by then" a whole lot. She refused to plan anything for more than a week out because she "could be dead by then." We very rarely went to anything that needed tickets purchased in advance (unless of course it was her idea. The ballet? Yes. Baseball? Definitely not.). If she asked me to do a chore or something, and I asked if I could do it later? Yep--she could be dead by then. She did end up dying when I was 22, but by then our relationship was completely destroyed.

[@christopher22859]

I'm ashamed to admit I used to do this to family and I didn't even realize I was doing it till I got into therapy. I have bpd and I'm learning more about myself and why I do the things I do. No one ever confronted me about it.

[@_just_TK]

so glad you've received help & are in a better place!

[@DuenoJesus]

Honestly I wish I could donate, I’m always tempted to send these videos to my friends whom I’ve stayed away from... but I feel if I did that they’d definitely become more negative... this is advice that nobody would’ve ever given me, THAAANKS! 🙃

[@katejackson6502]

Thank you Katie! I have physically left a 15 year relationship and am finishing it the week. Today in person! You gave me further insight! Thank you for all you do xo

[@_just_TK]

Kat Jack so glad you’re in a better place!! ❤️

[@mrs.humbledfive9297]

I've been challenging every negative thought and it works. It takes work, but it's working for me and the anxiety I deal with.

[@AutumnFS]

My 66 year old roommate does this by breaking out in tears every time someone tells her we can't pay attention to her or do something she wants at that exact moment. She has no respect for boundaries.

[@michaelmeehan5505]

My 14 yo and 13 yo daughters try this on me all the time (in a juvenile way, as is the way we all did). I simply say to them, "See. What you're trying to do their is called Emotional Blackmail. I just need you to know upfront that I recognise what you're trying to do and I need you need you to understand that it won't work on me. Sweet dreams!" I smile when I say it, but I make sure the communication is clear and understood to be what it is: a teachable moment ;)

[@PhillipCornwell1974]

I am really happy to see a video on this!

[@NenaLavonne]

Yes!!!

[@Katimorton]

I hope it's helpful!! xoxo

[@PhillipCornwell1974]

@@Katimorton Oh, it certainly is, thank you! My ex has BPD and this was a common theme in our marriage.

[@chromberries7329]

my grandma used to do this to me as a kid, except not as extreme as abuse. just dumb stuff like "if you really loved your grandma you would clean her bathroom" "well, you're gonna wish you would have done this for me when I'm gone." would aggravate me for whatever reason. always knew it was manipulation!!

[@FTLiberty]

Awesome video! Wow I really needed that. Great timing.

[@tylerbrooks371]

Thanks Kati! In IOP. Dealing with paranoia from my past. Lots of healing, intense healing. It’s wayyyyyy easier for “them” to manipulate than to face their demons. You give me hope. ⭐️❤️♦️

[@_just_TK]

So glad you're in a better place!

[@eg7647]

You are so wise. I wish I could live everything you say but emotion gets in the way and I can't stop the heartbreak. I will keep trying though so thanks for all of this wonderful content!

[@aldeliealberts9387]

I love her soo much 😍🤗 She is so helpful for so many things that so many people are struggling with :)

[@mydaisydoodle2]

Katie, thank you for this video and the ones about emotional abuse. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship your videos have helped me gain insight on what all I suffered from in this relationship! Thank you for raising awareness on mental health issues!

[@dr.c9461]

As always another great video from Kati. I've had to deal with being emotionally blackmailed and it always leaves me feeling guilty.

[@ToniTerrier]

My mum did this to me my entire childhood and teens. Needless to say, it lead to my BPD... She didn't do the whole "if you don't do this, I'll harm myself" it was smaller than that, but it was constant. If you want this you have to sacrifice this, if you want to go here, you'll have to do this, you said/did this, and that made me feel this way etc. She used this and lots of passive aggressiveness. She learned it from her mother, who was a master manipulator and screwed with my mums head and emotions too.

[@pigeonsoccs5210]

also that frog is absolutely the best thing I’ve seen this quarantine

[@TheLundraAlliance]

I was recently told, "I won't be around for long & no one will have to worry about me." Because of their wants.

[@aking3624]

Great topic!! This is the theme of the current Covid-19 stay at home orders while caring for an elderly parent!!! My mother in-law started screaming for me yesterday. I thought she'd fallen, turned out... she demanded i remove her lunch dishes because she wanted to watch tv!!! 😨

[@Materialworld4]

Kati, thank you so much for this video, my ex-wife of 30 years used this technique against me around 3 times in our marriage to great effect. I could not think my way out of a paper bag when she used this technique against me that involved our two daughters. Ya it works on dad's too, because I was in the most incredibly impenetrable FOG I have ever known. Complete shut down!

[@CricketStyleJ]

A long time ago, I was suicidally depressed, and I did not fully open up to anyone about it for fear that it would be perceived as emotional manipulation. I did not get the help I needed and took several years to recover. So...yeah...be careful with this concept.

[@ChristinaChrisR]

CricketStyleJ I’m thinking that’s another thing all together. If your sick, or hurting, physically or emotionally, asking for help is a very healthy thing to do. (I struggle myself with this, since I don’t wanna “burden” others with my problems.) What I want to say is: asking for help is not emotional blackmail. Asking for help is asking for help. It’s if the other person can’t for various reasons (could be anything) help you in that particular situation, and you start guilt tripping them for it - THEN you cross the line over to emotional blackmail. Simply asking for help is not blackmail.

[@rebeccafracassini1261]

I've noticed family members who manipulate; also, use classical conditioning to get what they want. For example, my sister handed me chocolate right before asking me to use my car.🙁 " You can't make this stuff up."🤦‍♀️ Hopefully our relationship and dynamic will change in the future.

[@MistyFlyingCherryROR]

This is a great video and a great topic :D Thank you on that. I would like to find out more about coping with guilt when someone uses emotional blackmail on you, especially parent (who has a great verbal skils). For example if parent is telling to you that you are not loving them enough if you don't do this or that, what they want. Or they tell you that you are not loving them enough if you don't know what they expect you to do whithout them even telling you what to do. How to keep loving parents in those situations? And still you know that they are your parents, and you know that they've done a lot's of things for you and you are grateful for that and you kind of like them still, and wanna love them... but their behaviour is making you angry towards them and you don't like the way they treat you. How to cope with that extra guilt when they say you don't love them, and above that you start to feel angry at them and you are finding hard to love them and you don't wanna be in their company... it's like those feelings are just justifying their claim that you don't love them. But you would still like to love your parents and you pray for the moments when all functions well and you want that moments to last, but they don't. And how to endure the situations when you don't satisfy their needs exspresd in emotional blackmailing way? How to endure their reactions after you didn't behaved the way they wanted? I think that there is where feelings of lonelines and rejection are arising. How to cope with those feelings and how to build the strenght to stick to your decision not to act when they treat you that way and how to be strong enough to repeat that when they talk to you in emotional blackmailing way again? And how to help them to expres what they want on a healthier way... when they don't see you as someone who they should listen regarding that topic? And when they think they are doing nothing wrong.

[@WarrenByrdSpeak]

Thank you for the wisdom concerning toxic parenting. This is all too common. I must admit, however, I’m still a little confused about what emotional blackmail is. Perhaps it indicates a blind spot.

[@faithemerson6897]

Lol i actually TELL people im really close to to call me at any time during the night if they need anything. Not many people get the invitation though and Idk how I would feel if somebody did it constantly without invitation, especially if they were someone who actively is clingy and manipulative and didnt have a solid reason to be calling

[@positive_change9458]

Great video. Very informative. My mom uses emotional blackmail constantly. She says that because she does "so much for us", we owe her certain things, tasks, deeds, etc. As a result, I struggle with feeling guilty for not helping my mom all of the time because she does so much, even things I don't ask for. One problem I have with trying to resolve this issue is the fact that my mom will not listen when my siblings and I attempt to point out things that hurt us. We try to inform her that being manipulative (in this way) has been very detrimental to our mental health, but she will not pay attention to our conversation (as in she literally checks out and does other things while we talk to her) nor attempt to change. Do you have any advice for a parent who acts like a martyr and will not listen when we try to tell her about how some of her behavior is unhealthy?

[@pajaskalicka2593]

I like that you are taking it not only from the "victims" perspective. Keep doing what you are doing. It helped me a lot. Love from Czech Republic ❤

[@lovelightshining4444]

Excellent video, thank you so much. This will help many. Blessings

[@artman2oo3]

I have had to deal with FOG way, way too often. From a parent and an ex. Sometimes both at the same time.

[@NenaLavonne]

So sorry you are dealing with this 🙏

[@BackStabbath93]

I had an ex do this shit to me. The first time we broke up and I moved out, he sent a text a week or two later and said he said he was going die. I drove over to his house and I told him I will help. That lead to us being back together. The next time we broke up and I moved out. He sent me a text that he's going to die. I called the police and they goto his house and talked to him. They knew what he was up to when the police called after the house visit. Emotional blackmail is the most exhausting shit someone can throw at you.

[@davidryan8269]

I still find myself getting drawn into that drama triangle. I thought I could eradicate it and be free. All's I done though was regress into to that narcissistic elation and try and manipulate others into believing I was competent and stable. I now see I was playing make believe. Trying to act as though I didn't need the love and approval of others. When others saw this I'd sink even further into dysfunction and become really covert. Aren't I really just a beautiful and adorable widdle little boy. You know " now I want you kids to be on your best behaviour " that was the golden rule when I was being introduced into the public arena. You know how that false self originates. Peace

[@yoneekscott3136]

Amazing video. Excellent delivery. Thanks so much!