10 Signs of Toxic Friendships

[@Katimorton]

Stuck in a toxic friendship? Talking about WHEN and HOW to end a friendship in this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bqmQo6OVm5aSrq8 Do you have a story about ending a toxic friendship? I would love to hear about it in the comments. Let me know below!

[@Make_people_smile_more]

Yes I am very sensitive but I don’t show it but I have shown it to this toxic friend and she didn’t care and when I was having a panic attack she said I should have a panic attack bc she didn’t like me

[@jeanp.5929]

This video reminded me how toxic my family members are.

[@internationalentertainment6906]

WHEN THEY LIE... IT'S A BIG DEAL.BECAUSE THEY LOSE THEIR ABILITY TO BE TRUSTED

[@internationalentertainment6906]

Fox 🦊 theatres having some cool 😎 shows

[@LR-yu3mx]

Some people iny life, I feel they are "Like the wind blows" So I do not take them seriously. Once I decided thats how somebody is, thats it. They do not hurt, they do not matter much.

[@dianabanana3817]

What's F'd up is when I got rid of the toxic friends, I ended up with no friends.

[@NunyaBizness2k]

I know the feeling. You are not alone.

[@hrobertson439]

Yep, that's my situation too. I used to tell myself I'm never going to be the girl that only hangs out with her boyfriend but my partner is the only one that is consistently there for me and not constantly putting me down. So I guess I'm that girl now

[@hauntedsalmon7931]

This has happened to me as well. I chose these people and allowed their behaviour. I finally realized I am better off alone than with toxic people.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Me too, it takes awhile to heal…..now I’m nurturing healthy relationships slowly

[@NJ-wb1cz]

Which is why challenging yourself with the relationship can be much more beneficial, and why Katie didn't just say to dump everyone you think is toxic

[@vrystaatmeisie2079]

If a friend is a narcissist, no conversation will help and they will not change

[@christianbenn316]

& narcs are red flags

[@mikewillett5076]

I realized for AWHILE now that I have some Bible thumping narcissist "friends". They're generous, when it's on THEIR terms. The cookout is at their place, the restaurant is their pick. But they can never ever seem to make it to any of your invitations, and never follow up with, "let us know about other events coming up and we'll be sure to make it to at least one of them." SMFH

[@jolychakraborty4603]

Mein khud Narcissist hun....but change hona chati hun....bhaut moody hun.....kaise thik karu

[@Nerine98]

@@mikewillett5076 so spot on... thank you

[@KyokoRyu]

not all narcissists r bad people, they also suffer toxicity and mistreat frm other toxic people. narcissist or not

[@francescamele8077]

1. Feeling anxious or overwhelmed after spending time with them. 2. They will never apologise. 3. Using guilt to get you to do things. 4. Loss of trust. 5. One-sided relationship. 6. Dreading communication with friend. 7. Making excuses for them or covering for them. 8. They put you down. 9. Talking behind your back or sharing your secrets. 10. They don't respect our boundaries. 4 things to do to deal with toxic friendships: 1. Improve your communication skills. 2. Set healthy boundaries. 3. Slowly distance ourselves. 4. Cutting off the toxic friend.

[@realhealing7802]

Thanks for writing this information down! 😊

[@LastEarBender]

Thank you - the recap was very helpful

[@LeNoir2411]

4 things to do to deal with toxic friendships: 1. Failed because she'd rather stone walling than communicate 2. Also failed because she'd question my boundary,but demand hers 3. Is what we're doing for months now.. 4. Probably in a few months because we live together so it's complicated

[@v3ru586]

1. Failed, as I don't know how to talk to someone who just repeats what I say in a mocking voice, or yells offensive things at me, then mocks me when I lose control over my tears 2. As a selfish person, I don't get to set boundaries 3 failed, as our teachers decided to step in and save my friendship 4 success, but only after changing school for unrelated reasons Also, turns out teachers aren't supposed to assign friends

[@dudeman5303]

@@LeNoir2411 oof that's rough man. I am so sorry. My old best friend, it's *the* best friend I've had since kindergarten actually - we both were addicts together once we got to early adulthood (alcoholics), so we slowly turned to drinking buddies who enabled each other and I came to a point after trying to quit like 200+ times that I realized if I was gonna actually quit, I had to be alone and stop seeing all of my friends in order to successfully quit cuz they would either directly pressure me into taking drinks or would inadvertently pressure me by saying things like "it's there if you want it" (which tbh, could have been intentional. I told them to stop offering it to me but they'd still say things like that so I am sure they WANTED me to pick it up). I eventually cut them all off, but my best friend was the main one in particular I had to cut out, and it was meant to be a temporary thing. I began writing a huge amount - something I'd always wanted to focus on but couldn't because our friend group hung out constantly so I never had enough space to sit down and figure out what my voice was in music. I got to a really great part in my life and tried to reintroduce my friends and ever since I tried there's this lingering attitude where they all act like I think I'm better than them despite it being really them who are doing it. I have given all of them so many chances, they never respect boundaries when I try to say *set up plans in advance* , my old best friend ends up calling me at 2am and then tries to guilt me into coming over while he's drinking even though I have told him time and time again to at least set up plans the day before (and on top of that he's making it even more ridiculous by asking at 2am, I get off work at about midnight most nights so like damn just ask before I already have my night done and I'm relaxing just before I crash out? I've been trying to get on a better sleep schedule so hitting me up at the time I should be going to bed is just coming off like he wants to throw all of my self betterment back into my face). He's managed to go to all of our friends that also quit drinking to tarnish my name, telling everyone that I've changed and all this stuff so they're all apprehensive about me now - making it sound like my current significant other is controlling me. The dude is in a relationship and yet has also invaded some boundaries with how he has talked to my significant other, insinuating that she "stole me from him" (despite all the prior things I talked about happening years before I met her, so it's literally just not possible she is the reason. I changed and then 2 years later met her, he is attributing these things out of petty jealousy) but also has given vibes that he thinks he's going to find a way to sleep with my significant other - which is the most insane bullsh!t I've ever heard of in my life, I've been with her for 5 years now and just this alone has been the icing on the cake that has caused me to decide he's getting cut out because she doesn't deserve this garbage treatment from him. I'm tired of it all, the dude has zero respect for other people's boundaries and also thinks he gets to invade my s/o's personal space like she's some object he gets to pull out of my hands? Hell no. I don't view relationships as "having" people, she is a person that wants to be *with* me. it's a huge red flag that he does see it that way. I never noticed just how much he doesn't respect women and if I'm being honest, finding out he's a sexist piece of trash makes cutting him out so much easier. It's just insane. Hell, one time he dropped a bunch of stuff at my place (which I think was on purpose, now in hindsight), I bent down to pick it up and help him and he literally said something along the lines of "you're her little servant", as if I was picking things up for someone else or something? Like wtf is that!? It doesn't even make sense, I stop to help *HIM* and he chooses that time to say I'm someone else's servant? How dishonest can a person be! This dude used to be my best friend for so long and I can't handle it anymore. I gave him over 5 years to be a better friend, he used to be a good friend but my god how people can change.

[@L_G218]

From my personal experience I'd add you should never underestimate how much one toxic friend can affect your live. I've just recently cut someone out and even though I didn't have much contact with them anymore, now that the matter is settled I've been having less trouble sleeping, I have started spending more time with actually important people, I've started setting boundaries, I've MASSIVELY improved my sense of self worth, I started standing up for myself, I started cleaning my apartment. Heck. I might even start working out again. No matter how beautiful the memories might be. Look out for yourself and only let positive people into your life. It's YOUR life after all.

[@rosagonzalez6604]

You are rigth, I'm so glad for getting back my own time. Narcissists are energy and time thieves.

[@Ann-cf1yf]

Yes!! In the same boat, but with a family member. Didn’t realise how much they negatively impacted my life till they moved away

[@ssgundes1]

Congrats that’s awesome

[@Clemsterful]

Couldnt have put in better words! Congrats!!

[@AmethystWoman]

For me, it's got nothing to do with positive. I live with depression and I would hate people to rule me out for that. And I don't call depression, toxic. It's more about how they treat you, not how they are psych wise. To only want amazing people in your life is fine. It's a choice. But depression is not a toxicity. And if I want people there when I'm on a downturn, we have to be there for them. It's too easy for "they were toxic" to become unfair judgement when their husband just left or their son just died or even they broke a leg, because they are too negative. I don't mean to judge your post so harshly, I get tired of "you are so negative" being lobbed at people who are in grief, hurt, depression, long COVID, etc. Way too many long COVID people being dropped as friends because they cant hike anymore. I want to say "they never were a friend." Please folx, let's not drop people because they don't always laugh or create a good time for you. That's not us being good friends either. Kind of makes us a bit toxic in that "good times only" sort of way. Sorry. 50-50. Good, bad, ugly. Just not abusive is the thing. Now, taking it out on you all the time, different story. Years of self-involved, hard to stay in it but hopefully we aren't just ghosting depressed, bipolar, etc people.

[@prometheuszero9]

"Having cell phones tied to use all the time doesn't mean we have to be available 24/7...". Amen to that.

[@kellymchenry4572]

Yeah I struggle with this one.

[@Agheel963]

🎯 they think they have 24/7 access. Try ringing them and they don't pick up the phone

[@LegionOfWeirdos]

"I'm sorry you feel that way" drives me nuts. My least favorite kind of non-apology.

[@Agheel963]

You're lucky. I never got any apology

[@KVG822]

But they do feel that way, or you did feel that way. And it’s not their responsibility. They did something or didn’t and it triggered you.

[@mak2488]

People start acting REAL funny when you start saying NO to them, advocating for yourself or call them out on their bullshit. 🧐 Don’t worry, you’ll find YOUR people who encourage embrace and uplift you. Don’t let one bad seed spoil the bunch. People who don’t want to change you or hurt you exist in this world.

[@MissSandyC]

Right? Toxic friends hate your boundaries because they don't align with their wants/needs. I always felt drained/exhausted.

[@happygirl65]

True!!

[@alwaysyouramanda]

😭 or when you ask for something back that you let them borrow 6-months ago!

[@janicetelfer6211]

Sooo true

[@lemsip207]

I had people demand "Take it, take it!" when I refused something such as a slice of cake. That is an instant turn off to me and I then will cut that person out of my life. I once came home and found a message in my landline phone ordering me to have lunch with the caller the following Tuesday. That was a huge red flag to me. I was otherwise engaged that day so wouldn't have been able to meet with him but even if I was I wouldn't want to go. So I didn't call him back. If he had called again while I was at home I would have been straight with him.and told him not to call again.

[@shellbell8062]

Another couple of signs that I have found are: the inability to be happy for you when you achieve something / buy a house / something goes really well. And another is a sense of competition. I had a friend who earned more than me and then I got a job where I earned more. She did not congratulate me and was clearly not happy for me. When your friend can't be happy for you, you have got yourself a frienemy.

[@okaycola2]

Yep

[@cindygayle8596]

This is definitely true. Experienced that too

[@happygrandma2732]

Worse is when a sibling does it. I had that experience.

[@EightyFourThousands84000s]

Omg this. Was part of this weird friend group for about a year and everything was always a competition. No one was ever genuinely happy for others successes. No one really even listened to each other. (Just recently separated from all them). Like "The Ghosts of Beverly Drive" song by Death Cab For Cutie: You wanna teach but not be taught And I wanna sell but not be bought

[@Gunna5067]

​@@happygrandma2732yep me too. It hurts á lot.

[@faceglider]

It all boils down to respect. If there is no respect given from a "friend", then the friendship is toxic. Period.

[@sumimaind]

My best friend started making comments about my appearance and when I decided that I needed to let her know that her comments were hurting me, she got really upset that I called her out and cut all ties with me because of that. She did not care about respecting my feelings and thought it was better to end a decade long friendship instead of just saying "I'm sorry" and move on.

[@birgip.m.1236]

​@@sumimaindMaybe cuz their self concept & image of whatever they want the world to believe about them was shattered (could even be as silly as the need to always be right-- even when wrong & the need to have the last word ... ie Control) Narcs' self image -no matter how false- is always most important

[@dawnsturman4359]

My mother always said that if someone is talking about another friend to you then you know they are talking about you to other friends. Red flag. I don’t trusts these so-called friends.

[@Robdobalina]

Huge 🚩

[@Agheel963]

💯 was always told that growing up

[@TrentAdam]

Depends on how they are talking about them. Everyone talks about each other just not necessarily cruelly.

[@PS-qf9fj]

I feel like there's a caveat to this. Sometimes if you have a close knit group of friends one friend can be behaving weird and you may want the counsel of the mutual friend regarding their behavior.

[@Jace28142]

I ended a 42 year friendship recently after listening to my gut feelings. I began to dread his phone calls as they were six -eight hour me me me fests. When I pulled back and tried setting a limit on how long we talked each day he threw out that I was rejecting him. In the end he told me I was cold, mean, destructive and didn’t know how to be a friend. I came to realize he didn’t like that I’d found my voice and have learned to stand up for myself. He wasn’t in control anymore. Sad to say but I dodged a bullet and don’t miss him at all.

[@lemsip207]

I had that, too. Mostly secrets blabbed about his relatives that they told him in confidence. It was boring for me and betraying their confidences and breaching their privacies. Whenever I spoke after hearing his monologues for ten minutes, he interrupted and eventually hung up when he had done talking. He was also passing on my secrets to his relatives who knew me. I stopped answering the phone to him in the past two months, thinking I just didn't want to be distracted from what I was doing at the time. Now I realise why.

[@333hihello444]

My “bestfriend” emotionally abused for months. It’s taking a long time to heal and move on since she cut me off for standing up for myself. Apart of me knows she’s struggling mentally and wants to help, but she causes so much pain I can’t go through it again.

[@coffeeandhorses7991]

I think abuse is a stretch !. Too many labels are used. Younger ppl seem to be obsessed with labels.

[@aam6545]

@@coffeeandhorses7991 Not nearly enough information was given for you to make that judgement.

[@BestMoviesInLessTime]

Hope you're all better now.

[@LeNoir2411]

I'm dealing with the same thing.. the reason why i couldn't walk away was because i knew she's just as troubled as me... But she's too abusive

[@esterbengoa6077]

It's not wrong to put your own mental health first. When, after standing for myself, I hear the "You used to be so nice", I know breaking away is the right decision. Take care of yourself.

[@angxlicagrace]

It’s really scary to have these conversations when I’ve attempted this with past friends and they have started attacking me verbally. You don’t want to think placing a boundary respectfully would end a friendship or cause them to be mean, but that’s how many people react.

[@Thediabeticequestrian]

I recently had this with a very close no more friend of 6 years or so. If they don’t accept and respect you and your boundaries you are better off without them xxx

[@maddyfox8545]

Yes many do react that way. Which is why you’re better off just getting on with it. Have the conversation, sooner rather than later, and figure out if the relationship can be salvaged or if they can’t even handle conflict resolution in a friendship. If they can’t, and they just get aggressive, why spend more time around them, not having had the talk, waiting for them to improve their behavior when you know deep down they won’t? You owe them the chance to hear what’s upsetting you and address it, but once you’ve done that, if they can’t work with you on it, get the ffck out!!! The sooner the pain (of grief) starts, the sooner it ends, I promise. You deserve better and life’s too short!

[@windshieldBug]

The people that do react that way - you'll realize eventually - were never real friends to start with. These are the types of people are happy to be in a relationship with you so long as you meet all their needs and they meet little to none of yours. They only want to take, take, and take and rarely give back. When I started having boundaries with people, some of them did get angry and drop our friendship, some of them got over their anger and readjusted.

[@LXSeaV]

Agree with the comments here about just seeing and accepting people's true colors sooner than later. I think some of us avoid having the hard conversations because we want to continue these delusions about how great this person and our relationship is. But if you're bringing up a boundary or a feeling that matters a lot to you and their reaction is just nasty? That's not a person who cares about you -- or even has the ABILITY to care about you. If they don't have the ability, the central problem isn't even something personal -- it's just a fact of life to be seen and understood. When we see this emotionally immature side of people, we have the choice to keep letting them in our lives knowing full-well this person is mentally/emotionally a child you have to maintain very low expectations of. Or cut them out. If you can, I think you gotta cut them out because when you keep them in, your behavior toward them will be nasty and disrespectful over time because we all get resentful around adults who act like children with no self-awareness or sense of self responsibility.

[@nvaranavage]

I completely agree. There were certain individuals in my life that completely disagreed with my stance on certain subjects, condemned decisions that i made for myself that had no bearing on how they lived their life. When i finally put my foot down and told them they have crossed a boundary they went off the deep end, I couldn't take it anymore. I was done.

[@dawngw26]

This is why I have so very few friends. I won't put up with toxic relationships (anymore). I now know the difference when a great person comes along and we become friends.

[@Maryweather28-fy8jj]

Can I please get your take on something? I need advice

[@liz.scully]

Not only did this give me the confidence to let some people go, a couple of these gave me realization as to why I was dumped as a friend by so many people.. thank you

[@Katimorton]

I am so glad it was helpful. xoxo

[@ImEverythingYouCrave]

same

[@BestMoviesInLessTime]

Yes! It made me realized that too.

[@deborahcurtis1385]

You may have been dumped because they're assholes. A possibility too. The way this reads it's like: oh I have some temporary feelings of discomfort. As a friend you should always be making me feel great. There's a middle ground there and sometimes patience is just thrown out the window because we demand instant gratification.

[@kmcq692]

Thanks Deborah. Maybe the quick superficial short-term “friendship” is worth this kind of checkbox assessment, but if you’ve got a long term friendship and a few of these offenses are happening, check your own behavior too. And maybe ask if your friend is okay?!

[@melindamcclain835]

If you know your friends are toxic you don't need them in your life. Cut them off completely. You don't need to set boundaries or anything else just get away from them!

[@lemsip207]

It depends on if they would listen to you or not. People I hardly know and just happen to be in the same organised social group as me or who are only acquaintances I would cut off without explanation. Long term friendships are harder so have a serious talk with them about what you will no longer permit from them.

[@stephanie5471]

I have come to spot toxic traits in people early on, and I always find it interesting to see how many “friends” disappear when I put up my boundaries… After years of toxic friendships, I have given up on seeing the best in people from the get go.

[@jenniferg6818]

i need to get there. i always think people are cool, but they usually are'nt.

[@thereseschab5042]

Yup..I analyze them looking for any passive aggressiveness, sarcasm, one-sidedness. Not too many people these days that are capable of a friendship.

[@windshieldBug]

Yes, very true for me as well. As I began leaving Codependency and began practicing Boundaries, I noticed how quickly I lost some "friends" --or family members who were used to me being a doormat; they griped, pitched fits, and complained about the "new" me. They preferred old doormat me, who allowed them to verbally abuse me or not insisting they meet my needs in return, as I had been meeting theirs for years. A lot of toxic people are thrilled to be in one sided relationships, where you meet their needs and they meet none of yours. Boundaries tends to eliminate these people from your life.

[@redefinedliving5974]

@@windshieldBug none of my friends meet my needs at all. and thats my fault bc i didnt know any better

[@DeBa-122]

We have to remember that people aren’t mind readers. We have to learn how to be vulnerable to make our needs known. Only then can you truly say someone is not meeting your needs.

[@nikkijones8428]

As I’m getting older I’m letting go of toxic people.. sadly you miss the friend at first , but WHY be with a friend that’s making you feel badly .. my son told me one time over a ex boyfriend … isn’t it better to be happy alone .. then be with someone who’s making you feel bad .. TRUE … I’m seeing others on these comments feel same way … my mom would tell me you will loose friends as you get older because you will SEE more clearly … Plus as you get older you speak up without feeling badly anymore.., My daughter even says some friendships just expire .. TRUE . Love yourself and God 💜

[@stoffls]

I have to admit, I find myself on both sides of this. There were times, when I was that toxic friend - without meaning it. And there were times when I had the feeling being in a toxic friendship. I let go of many people in my life and the hardest ones were those, who I thought were my best friends for a while.

[@skknnn1859]

Same😢

[@AmethystWoman]

I'd love to hear your self judgement as toxic as without good therapy, toxic people rarely see their own toxicity and are rarely those who actively seek an honest therapist who won't always let you be the victim in their room. I wonder how you see your last behavior that was "toxic." Too many depressed people, no longer the life of party get told they are now "toxic" and we believe them. Were you abusive and intentionally hurtful to people? Or did they tell you to give more and you couldn't. Curious. We accept "you are toxic to me" too often without backup examples. And usually it's stuff from years ago. One thing. I have implemented a "fight fair" rule with friends. If I say something hurtful you have a very short period of time to tell me and me decide if I owe you a sincere apology. After that dropped. You can't throw it 5 years later when a tiny thing happens. Done with that. Again, sign of a toxic friend and parent too. Unfair fighting. Set boundaries on how you are allowed to have an argument. "You have 5 days to confront me, otherwise it's done."

[@itsFISHYxlittlerockstar]

i resonate with this, wishing the best of luck for you

[@ca6248]

I really felt this.

[@MakaylaNeomi]

Same. I was friends with a narcissist and picked up some of her traits I became a drama queen and a lot of my behavior wasn’t how I would normally act. I put my bestfriend through so much and caused her so much pain. I never meant to intentionally hurt anyone I was under the influence of a really toxic person and I too became toxic. I’ve been to therapy and I’ve gotten better

[@seanieboi1234]

While this made me realize how toxic some people are to me, I also see some of these qualities within myself that I'm guilty of. Thanks for the advice!

[@beautifulday7528]

THank you for your honesty! Me, too.

[@karlabritfeld7104]

Ha! Excellent insight.

[@YoucancallmeMarcie]

im with ya 2024

[@lemsip207]

I think if it is difficult for you not to gossip then tell your friends not to burden you with their secrets as its painful for you to carry them around with discharging them to a third party. Other people's secrets can feel like burden.

[@PoolKid75]

0:07 "We need other people in our life to vent to, to remind us that we're not alone" That's one of the signs that made me realize my supposed friend was, in fact, toxic. I could never vent a single thing to him.

[@Baddie_Long_Legs]

Yes, my friend would always be talking about her issues and drama but if I tried to vent to her she acted totally uninterested.

[@coffeeandhorses7991]

Maybe venting was overwhelming for your friend?. Therapy is probably the appropriate place to vent. Friends don't want to hang out to have ppls problems dumped on them.

[@1esk192]

@@coffeeandhorses7991 yeah. Of course someone needs therapy when they want to talk about a bad day or a bad situation. It's completely unheard of to just talk about random frustrating things with friends

[@PoolKid75]

@@coffeeandhorses7991 then they're not real friends.

[@LeNoir2411]

@@Baddie_Long_Legs in my case, I'm the one who talks about myself a lot because she don't really want to talk about hers..problem is ,when I don't want to talk about mine, she'd guilt trip me.. while I'm feeling like a total jerk every time I'm talking about me because it's all about me ,like you mentioned.. I'm mostly self aware , that's why i feel bad for talking about me me me, but my 'bestie' of over 10yr always pushed me , giving ultimatum or guilt trip if i don't share .. it's driving me crazy

[@cassandrawinona8748]

I've only realised lately how many toxic friendships I've had because I've been emulating my relationship with my mother, I used to think it was normal to give and get nothing back, thanks for describing these patterns so well.

[@Iamso4u]

My best friend ghosted me on my wedding day. I was so incredibly hurt and it made me look at the friendship through a whole different light. I was always making myself available to her and all she did was take. It’s been 5 years and I’m still sad that I had to cut ties for my own well-being.

[@1upRosie]

One of my closest friends was in my wedding and made me cry on my wedding day. She ghosted me for a month after and when I confronted her about it she tried to gaslight me and throw back all my insecurities and make me out to be a bad person then basically ended the friendship. I was really messed up for a awhile after that and still recovering. I still have bad dreams about it sometimes. It's truly like going through a breakup but no one talks about friendships ending like they do other relationships.

[@RadioPsychicAstrologyByPepper]

@@1upRosie my maid of honor made us three hours late last year for our wedding. I know she has borderline personality disorder and I realize that she has some problems but after our wedding she just lit into me and said that I made the entire evening about myself and my husband and she hoped that by the time she gets to be my age she won’t be embarrassing herself the way I do with my need to be a center of attention princess when I have already been married once before and I’m forty seven years old. ( she’s 13 years younger) I just couldn’t believe that she went to such depths with her opinion of me on my wedding night!

[@1upRosie]

@@RadioPsychicAstrologyByPepper I'm so sorry! This sounds so similar to my experience. She had clinical depression and I was always there through all her worst times. I tried to be an empathetic friend and helped her find treatments over the years. When it came to my wedding she became a different person. For my bachelorette party she missed her flight and made us wait for her at the airport then buy her food when we got her. Then she got into an argument with my soon to be husband who apologized even though he didn't have to. She then spent the first night at a different person's house over it which made the whole weekend awkward. She also tried to take credit for planning everything and make me not like my other friends. At the wedding, while I was getting breakfast with my MoH she was getting her makeup done at the salon (this was optional btw) and she starts texting me that her makeup is terrible and she's crying. I rush to the salon and her makeup is fine. I tell her to make her feel better but that made her more mad because I didn't validate her so she rushed out crying which made me cry. After the wedding she posted about her horrible makeup experience to her socials and never once said anything about us or our wedding that she was a BM in. Then when I confronted her about it, she basically told me I was a horrible friend all along and that I talked behind people's backs and played games and she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I've come to realize she was a narcissist all along and I was sucked into her ego trips. When she wasn't the center of everything, she couldn't take it anymore. It's really sad when that person becomes a memory attached to your wedding day though. I hope you're able to find some closure and know that it's not you, it's them.

[@paulaw9764]

@@1upRosie so she ruined the most special day of your life, that's no friend. Lucky escape. Maybe she was jealous of you.

[@Kendrach]

Jealousy can rear its ugly head sometimes.

[@elenacosminaghinea6803]

I am learning how to take a break from friends when they are too much for me. I've noticed I tend to get in the action mood when they have problems and I get myself so caught in finding solutions and don't realise I make their problems mine. This is exhausting and it needs to stop so whenever I feel overwhelmed I just switch off the Internet and take the distance and time I need.

[@jenniferg6818]

Good for you. I do this too. Enmeshment.

[@indridcold8433]

All friends are toxic in time. This is why I will not replace the ones I deleted long ago. Friends are nothing but an intruder into your life. I require no intruders nor friends in my life

[@Laysea89]

I just ended a 30 year friendship with my high school bff. We’re both recovering addicts but at 45, she has relapsed in a major way. I understand her pain but she knows what steps to take to get back on track and she just doesn’t want it. I lovingly tried to talk to her and give her examples of how her behavior is hurting me and other people in her life that love her. She got defensive and said we all have our own shit to deal with and to basically mind my business, so I am. I won’t sacrifice my sanity or serenity trying to help someone that doesn’t want it. I wish her the best and hope she gets well 💔

[@liyahrochelle7716]

You ended a 30 year friendship because she told you to mind your business??? I understand not wanting to jeopardize your sobriety but you could still support her. Especially because she probably feels alone. Her lashing out probably has nothing to do with you as a person. And I’m not saying don’t hold her accountable but more cut her some slack. It’s kinda sounding like maybe you were the toxic friend in that relationship and were already looking for an out. You and I both know it’s not as easy as just wanting to get clean. There are always other factors involved.

[@netteloveszebras]

Stay strong. You can’t make someone fix their life, and it sounds like she is full of excuses. Stay far away from people who have excuses for everything.

[@deborahcurtis1385]

@@liyahrochelle7716 Exactly right. Everyone is full of self justification and think their plan for others should be followed. OMG hrer friend pushed back? What she did was unhealthy to her addicted friend. Don't close doors unless someone is really out of control. She just got impatient and thinks she should be directing what happens to someone and their timing. Ignorant intolerant and self gratifying behaviour. The world is messy life is messy but if that friend tanks you helped push them down instead of just being there, yet holding the line and not being manipulated. Being there for someone doesn't mean being an accomplice. It's so wrong on so many levels and the intolerance is just weird.

[@deborahcurtis1385]

@@netteloveszebras I will certainly stay away from intolerant people like you. I don't have addictions but I understand people who do. They are addicted. Think about how difficult that is. Excuses? Sounds like you have plenty.

[@windshieldBug]

@@liyahrochelle7716 Sounds to me like the OP you're replying to is ending the friendship because the friend will not take responsibility for her life and actions, and the OP said that this is having harmful results on her and other people in the addict's life. Good for her for having healthy boundaries and recognizing she cannot save or rescue her friend. Only her friend can help herself.

[@gumby3390]

My best friend since elementary school takes weeks to reply to me, doesn’t care that I’ve had a child, and just overall makes me feel like a nuisance. It’s so hard to get her to talk about anything of substance. I know she feels like we’ve drifted since I’ve had a child. I know she’s depressed. But, be honest. She goes on vacations with her other friends multiple times a year, so it’s safe to say that she just isn’t that interested in being MY friend.

[@crocadoodle7101]

I think you have this figured out. Sad but likely true.

[@jomavasq]

Needed this …especially because I’ve been gaslighting myself over choosing to end a friendship

[@Baddie_Long_Legs]

This is very validating for me. I recently had a friend like this and even in my late 30s and with the knowledge that I tend to befriend toxic people or people who use me, I still didn’t see the red flags right away. I love the point that if you allow a certain behavior from someone it will persist. It all comes down to me needing better boundaries and simply not allowing people to treat me this way.

[@Stella-yy5qt]

Yes and I’m dealing with that too and feeling like just because they want you to do things and be their friend doesn’t mean you have to

[@jolina942]

I wrote a song about toxic friendships and the feelings you go through when you get let down my a close friend. it’s called friend and my name is Jolina if you want to hear it on Spotify or wherever you listen to music💜 maybe the song can help you heal the way it helped me💜YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[@deborahcurtis1385]

These are great points and it's necessary to stay healthy. The problem is in how you let the person know what your boundaries are. If someone is pathologically toxic of course cut them out, but too often we just reach for convenience instead of offering consistency and constancy with boundaries.

[@Jules-zg1ip]

@@jolina942 Beautiful song...you have a lovely voice also! ❤

[@windshieldBug]

@Amy - Just a warning: this stuff doesn't stop in your late 30s. I'm older than you, and trust me, as you age, you'll likely attract more toxic people, and the toxic people may themselves be in their 40s, 50s, or older. I got much faster at removing these types of people from my life once I got older, and I began reading books and web pages by psychologists and therapists about boundaries and codependency. Also resources about narcissistic abuse can be helpful, because many (not all) of the toxic people you meet probably have a Cluster B personality disorder, which would include pathological narcissists - and they are all take, no give. Some lack empathy or are prone to unpredictable mood swings, where they lash out in rage. Some of them play on your pity and empathy to emotionally manipulate you, use you, and keep you in the friendship.

[@FunDudeGirl]

If they tell on you to get you in trouble, get rid of them quickly.

[@christianbenn316]

Oh yes & when you find that something is off

[@Kay-ce1ls]

Man I wish my younger self could see this vid. I've gotten severe anxiety bc a friend abused me emotionally for years and I didn't tell anyone. She used to give me the silent treatment or mock/critice me with other girls if I wouldn't do things her way. She even blackmailed me many times

[@lorianne4608]

that’s awful

[@LeNoir2411]

Ahh silent treatment, their ultimate weapon that could destroy our self worth

[@joemeyers4131]

I had once and for 7 years a dude who would tell me how evil i am bcuz somebody i know told him I am bad , but he knew better than that . He dropped a bombshell on me in his car then by telling me as if is a parent or authority figure when is younger than i . He got on me at restaurants when he invited offering to pay the tab . Then scold me for not tipping when then in 1986 I hadn't known about that . I was in my 20s in a rural community. He would have me do chores in his place for to make up for the tab .He got me to agree with him like a contract without me having known it . Push contract idea when he was so out of line. Use guilt to pressure me to submit to him and i thinks is a true friendship but full of strict or burden conditions where he was Controlling me often until i went back home. He did that for 2 years and using me on my ignorance of knowing he was a Narcissist ! Then next 4 years used me some more but made it seem he was doing good or right . He wouldnt leave me alone . Harassed me often . He also told me I was stingy and selfish bcuz I would not throw money around as if to make him seem better near others. I did not have a lot though. Still with my parents. 6 years of hell and crazy loony behavior i didn't know better than to put up with .

[@ca6248]

Same.

[@emmabeckett6451]

I had a friend in a group of us that would only communicate to trauma-dump and when she was in crisis. Some odd things happened (on her end) and she randomly decided to leave our groupchat. It took me a couple months to realize how much lighter I felt when communicating with those friends because I wasn't trying to constantly handle her trauma (on top of the work I did as a therapist)! Toxic friends can really have an impact.

[@BestMoviesInLessTime]

Sometimes our own friends don't realize that they are toxic. Thanks to you people will now be able to recognize their own toxicity, well done on this one!

[@loristromski1334]

I'm 58 and have only just begun to set boundaries. I'm codependent and have childhood trauma. I am slowly learning healing modalities. I lost both my parents a year apart and am finally able to disconnect from my toxic siblings. Life changing! The space that opened is so incredibly peaceful ❤

[@Mx25618]

OMG, I'm sixty and just learning this. I feel sick about all my wasted decades

[@breakinganddecorating8108]

My husband and I had a friend we cut off completely. They only called when they were broke and wanted us to take them places and treat them to dinner, had to be the center of attention, and was recording/streaming private conversations to another toxic ex-friend (drama queen, control freak, hypocrite, and gaslighter). Talking and setting boundaries didn't work, so both we went NC with both.

[@trinaq]

I find myself doing this ALOT with certain people, given my policy to see the best in anyone. However, if an individual tires you out, and you find yourself making constant excuses for them, then it's time to break off communication.

[@thefirstofitskind895]

why do i see u under so many yt comment sections

[@Rodrigos.godoy86]

I've been on a couple of one sided friendships, i guess it's low self steem and lack of self love that make us stay in these friendships, on top of the fear of having no friends, i used to fear that one so much, turns out i can do without them, and do the inner work necessary to change and be free from codependency, though it's a long journey.

[@dominic_19077]

Ok, just that first one at 2:00. As an introvert, that’s kinda how I feel after /all/ social encounters, regardless of whether they are actually stressful or not. Like, even if we’re just doing something quietly together, like sitting and drawing or something, and not even talking or needing/giving anything to each other, like even if I’m totally relaxed and comfortable with them, don’t feel like I have to cater to them or be a good host or anything, after they do leave or I leave, I am just exhausted and glad to finally have me time.

[@josielbrown]

Your list made me cringe. I was the toxic friend who was cut off without explanation. Many years go I was divorced and diagnosed bipolar. I was in hell and cringe at the way I behaved at times. I was devasted and did not cope well at all. Nobody talked to me. I was traumatized, alone, terrified and my life came apart. There is a person behind the awfulness, and the toxic behaviors might be a symptom. Mine were the result of my divorce, bipolar disorder, and anguish. The mental chaos of isolation has made me a different person. Was mine toxic or bipolar behavior?

[@sparkstudies1675]

Does it really matter too much? You are human, you experienced hurt, it isn't your fault that you didn't know better or couldn't handle things better than the way you did. We a live and learn, and I think more people that you'd think have trouble owning up to their own faults but are very swift to recognise faults in others. It's only your responsibility to do better once you've learned. To answer your question I think ot could be both. Untreated mental illness led to toxic relationships because the prerequisites for a healthy relationship were not met at the time.

[@ct6852]

Communication is key. Just talking to them and describing what your emotions do to you could help a lot I think.

[@the777john]

Honestly when people get to a point where they have to cut off someone they care about it's not without giving them several opportunities, and chances, and explanations of their feelings prior. They don't make that decision lightly because it huts. It came as a very last resort because it's something they didn't want to have to do, but out of preservation of their own feelings and well being they had to. It doesn't matter what the condition is if a tree gets chopped at enough it comes crashing down, if a plant doesn't get watered it dies; our relationships are the same. You have to own it, and chose in yourself and others people who would nurture and keep things growing.

[@sarakjeldsen769]

I've noticed guilt and dread are surefire signs that boundaries are needed to be set - and I like how you advocate to give them a chance to change. If they have no regard for your feelings or time that's when you'd need to distance yourself further. Also I like what you said about phones- the expectation that people can invade our lives at any moment is very toxic. I use the DND feature.

[@deborahhoffman7394]

When a friend scolds you for getting upset with them for their judgmental attitude, time to move on.

[@KC_90]

I’ve suspected for some time my close friend was toxic. It seems she was always looking for a pity party and I always tried my best to be supportive and positive during those moments. However, whenever I needed to vent the conversation always turned back to being about her. More recently, I’ve been really depressed and she’s been aware and has never reached out to see how I’ve been. My mom and a grandparent were hospitalized and the only thing she said was “sorry dude, let me know if you need anything”. She never even touched base to see how they were doing. She did however message me to vent about how stressful her life and work have been. Meanwhile I’m dealing with two family emergencies 😩

[@ShaneBlackheart]

The tip about 'you feel anxious after being with them' is SO big. I just started realizing this myself as a red flag. Another is if you spend a lot of time ruminating over conversations with someone, even though nothing inherently had to go wrong during it. It goes hand-in-hand with the anxiety part of it, but the couple of good friends I have where I don't even ruminate on or worry about what we said was a huge sign to me that they were the healthy relationships. Otherwise, I have a friend who meets all 10 things here and I've known it for a long time. We've known each other our whole lives basically (since middle school), and they've even gone as far as to just be mean (they were once a friend with benefits but they often played games or said they were uncertain when I told them I had feelings for them. They eventually came around a few years later when it was way too late and they'd experimented with others first, and finally asked me to date them. They strung me along and I felt like I was only good enough when others weren't available). They have insulted my, well, to say it politely, 'performance' when they had been my first intimate partner after I came out as trans. That really destroyed my sense of sexual identity and it felt humiliating. They also only ever come to me when they need something, but will never have a regular conversation with me. They show a lot of signs of histrionic personality disorder because they go out of their way to be very dramatic in their emotions, and give silent treatments and roll their eyes a lot. I fell in love with them, and I got really attached. I can't just turn that 'love' switch off because when I love someone I genuinely do. It's been hard and it's taken a lot out of me, but this video was another 'Hey, dummy, STOP talking to them they're not good for you!' tap on the head.

[@LeNoir2411]

I can totally relate to every single thing you wrote(except experimenting thing), it's actually scary..

[@ct6852]

It seems so basic, too in retrospect.

[@Jessica-jp7vu]

Thays exactly how I feel about my"friend" All she wants to do is vent about her life, but when it comes to the simplest things like me mentioning something about my life, she could care less and shows no feelings, just about herself and her problems

[@MaxFromSydney1]

… and sometimes, a friendship or relationship just reaches it’s natural conclusion and needs to be ended. And that’s ok. Not every friendship was meant to last forever.

[@franciebogert1452]

Could also describe a toxic mother. I have limited the amount I talk to her, usually a few minutes a week and almost always the same day. It has truly been life changing for me. Just a couple minutes to catch up and tell her about the grandkids and we’re done ☑️

[@kendallevans4079]

That's sage advice. I find myself doing that too. It kind of makes me a little sad, however. Some things are just so difficult to navigate that I chose not to with her. (i.e. Although I'm 65 she still says "you're just a boy"!). Like you, I find myself trying to wrap up the conversation after we have caught up. I know the longer we continue, the odds of something not good is going to happen.

[@katemiller7874]

Your mother is not being hurtful as you’ll always be her little boy. Also she may have dementia. Geez.

[@Julia-um4rv]

You really explained the toxic friendship I was in so well. Thank you. I couldn't put into words why I was so unhappy all the time.

[@HannehYA]

Perfect timing for this one! I unfortunately have had a lot of bad friendships and some of them (especially with one in mind) have been extremely traumatising. I do have C-PTSD and have had my fair share of bad encounters. I had to learn to set boundaries, trust my intuition, be authentic, stand my ground, and to move away from unhealthy people/relationships. It’s a different kind of struggle now; I'm freqently ending old friendships, due to me rapidly changing to the better - which is good, but also lonely. Not all friendships survives that change, and I have just had two serious conversations with two differant friends about each friendship - I have not ended them, but had conversations about boundaries, communication and exspectations - and hope they will last, but I do see the possibility of having to say goodbuy. And I need to talk with a third friend too. It’s tough, I don’t have many people in my life, and them I do have I can't connect with anymore - we are so differant. I'm finaly a place in my healing were I'm brave enough to try and engage in new relations. It’s scary, and triggering, but it’s also important for me to find some new people that is in lign with my values now and that I can trust.

[@ShaneBlackheart]

I'm in a similar place! I also have CPTSD and I am aware of how it can cause toxic relationships to keep happening, but I want to change that too. I just don't want to hurt anyone so it's hard. Also am used to getting very bad responses. I wish you the best of luck and you should be super proud of yourself! What you're doing is such a big thing ♥

[@YA-ju5vg]

Ugh I relate to all of this. Can I ask where you’ve been finding new friendships that align with who you are now? I want to be around like minded people but I don’t know how/ where to find them.

[@HannehYA]

@@ShaneBlackheart I can relate; also to receiving bad responses: Those I'm luckily getting fewer of now and in less extreme ways. Thank you for the kind words - I wish you best of luck too 🤗

[@HannehYA]

​@@YA-ju5vg I'm looking into joining a community of interest, volunteering or some activism. Right now I'm using an app made for combating loneliness (developed by a NGO) that is available in my country. Just to give my self a gentle push and meet some people in same position as me, and to practice to speak with strangers again. I have made it a point to take small steps, not make my self small, and to clearly exspress my values and expectations to others, and it seems to work well for now. I'm very cautious to who I'm speaking with and meeting from the app - the app also have guidelines for safety and behaviour, so I feel quite safe about it.

[@lauracicero-miller3238]

Same here, it's a lonely season! I was told once that ..... MY Picker is broken, I'm working hard on finding some sensitive people , but have found not to many. We need a club

[@CA2SD]

So true! I reinforced my boundaries and I could tell you that it's so peaceful. Ppl will poke and poke but it is up to you that you stop and walk away or allow it to continue on. It is not worth arguing with a narcissist or anyone who never apologizes or even acknowledges their faults. We are adults and life is too short to live in such a way we feel as if we don't deserve better.

[@RachelleSpier]

Absolutely loved this content as it hits really close to home. I would love a follow up video on how to heal from removing toxic friendships as the grieving process or readjustment is sometimes really hard to deal with.

[@carolynnilsen9270]

I ended a toxic friendship 18 months ago. I was heartbroken and still feel sad at times. To recover I developed new interests and from that a bigger social circle. Also spent time with genuine friends. Videos like this help though.

[@art_strings]

Yes it is. I've been there.

[@KarlWitsman]

My father used to say "It takes two to tango." I used that same phrase when I was counseling. It really creates that mental image that people can see and remember. It's tough for some folks to let go of friends who are using them because they like to feel needed. And the "user" knows that and uses it to keep it going.

[@ImEverythingYouCrave]

I have a person who only complains or tries to abuse me no matter what I do to help. Time to drop her. She comes from an abusive family so I get it but I'm not responsible for her feelings anymore.

[@danceandmore88]

I've been in a similar situation. The best thing to do is to prioritize your well-being. It's a bit like trying to help someone with addictions, unless they really want to change something about their situation, nobody can help them. "Friendships" like that are draining and frustrating and eventually take a toll on your mental health.

[@askeladd958]

No need to explain yourself, drop her ass.

[@LeNoir2411]

Same here, my bestie of over 10yr is also like that.. i could tolerate her just because i came from abusive background too, not a competition just to make a point, my childhood was a lot worse but she's acting way crazier than me, too critical, has a habit of giving silent treatment,refused communication,so whatever i was suggesting in order to have a better friendship didn't work because she twists things and put all the blame on me ,while also hating herself..which makes me feel guilty..but that also made me realize, emotional abuse from a mother is very terrifying because my bestie turned into a walking toxic red flag, that i failed to notice because I've never known what healthy relationship looks like so i guess we found solace in eachother until one of us is going forward but the other one refused.. I've lived my life in survival since i was a kid, literally, all kinds of abuses , that's why i want to just move forward, I don't wanna be miserable for the rest of my life.. but she wouldn't let me, maybe it's just my feelings, sometimes i feel like she likes me more when I'm vulnerable, then being indifferent when I'm doing better.. idk anymore That's why I'm cutting her off but it's not easy because we live together, but sooner or later i gotta get out of this house and let her go

[@TheLiquidCat]

You can be compassionate from afar, but never forget that you, as much as anyone else in the world, also deserves your compassion. Don't feel bad.

[@Dusty2704]

Good job. True, and to the point.

[@LittleMan5s]

I just wanted to say thank you for making this video. I was contemplating whether I should save this friendship or not and this video helped me decide. I just recently cut that one friend from my life. I've come to a realization that....I was never really her friend to begin with. I was only her therapist and the ears to listen to her. I'm the only one who always listen to her, cheering her on and challenging this friend to be her best self. She very rarely did the same for me, while I am like a tree that keeps giving. She was using me this entire time. It's been mentally and physically draining for a very long time, so I finally decide let her go. To let myself go free. I'm not proud of what I did and I hope I won't have to do that ever again. Part of me feel bad and regret what I did, but in my heart, I know I've made the right call. I hope she will get better and learn and I hope she can find a friend who's compatible with her. We both moved on in our own separated way. Never look back again. People would say about the price you have to pay for ending a friendship. I like to challenge you with this question "What price you are paying for holding onto it"

[@ca6248]

I had a friendship like this for 10 years. Worst time of my life. Glad you got out when you did.

[@JCB194]

Thank you for sharing your story! It sounds very similar to mine I agree with you it's a difficult thing to do but we have to look out for ourselves! My old friend did the same. She used me as a therapist and it was exhausting. I am so happy I cut them out.

[@Agheel963]

Same experience

[@TorgerVedeler]

Two thoughts: First, we should all look at ourselves and how we have behaved. The most important part of any friendship is that both friends are moral. And people do grow apart and friendships do end. That’s okay too. Second, be careful that your friend isn’t actually a narcissist. The only thing you can do with a narcissist is get away. They won’t ever change and they will use you as long as they can. Get help to escape if you must, but get away.

[@Julienna]

I wish I knew these decades ago. Being raised in a toxic family in a role of a scapegoat, all my friendship were about me being used and abused, but if I needed something, it was like asking for too much. I used to be ignored, ghosted at times, to be contacted when the person suddenly needed something from me - to vent or my help, and I used to think that the person likes me, actually, to have my heart broken again and again... These tips are amazing! Setting boundaries is the hardest thing, as nobody wants to be alone/to lose a friend. But! If setting boundaries means to lose a friend, then it was never a real friendship.

[@francescadarien-hydellbma2958]

The best gift we gave ourselves is to love ourselves and become our own best friend - once we have our own inner self happiness sorted - then we are in a better position not to take disproportionately from others and vice versa. Keeping a healthy distance from toxicity is the best gift I gave myself - thank you for the validation. Happy, happier, and happiest now!

[@sandancer45]

After i found out a pal had been chatting about me behind my back, she did say sorry but my trust had gone. Once the trust is gone there is nothing left. Once you distance yourself from them, it makes room for more good people to enter your life. Thank you Kati for all your videos, they are so helpful. Many, many thanks.

[@NatashaCreatesThings]

Thank you!! I had a toxic friendship that started out great when we were in middle school and we were like attached at the hip through early high school, when she started ditching our plans to hang out for other things, and then we went to separate colleges and she only ever wanted to talk about herself… it got to the point where we would never talk about my stuff and literally everything revolved around her. I basically ghosted her before that was a thing, it was the late 90s… and honestly 20+ years later I still miss her and our friendship before it went south.

[@sparkstudies1675]

I'm sorry you had to end things

[@maryannspicher]

I had a similar situation and reconnected with my old friend. I’m sorry I did! 🤦‍♀️ It’s like I had forgotten why I quit being friends with her until we were together again and she did the same things. Why can’t people grow up?

[@ElijahPerrin80]

Also not respecting other friendships boundaries by gossiping about other friends or sharing personal conversations. The rumor mill is multi directional and toxic.

[@krishnakoliadhikary1110]

You just described my childhood “best friend” who abused and traumatized me for more than two decades! It took so much will power to finally kick her out of my life for good. She still tries to hoover at regular intervals.

[@snappycattimesten]

I’m saving this to my “Katie Morton” playlist. That’s another way of saying “great video”. Thank you.

[@kfcphtb21]

This is what being in a friendship with a narcissist is like. Some relationships are just not worth the cost. And the damage control you have to do continually to keep it up on the road. Let it fall off into the ditch and move on. Unless they are on the milder end of the spectrum and it’s worth dealing with a bit of their junk….I say let ‘‘em go!

[@ct6852]

Being friends with a narcissist feels like a full time unpaid internship that you will NEVER get promotion from.

[@sandralujan1199]

Ive dealt with every single point you have made. I used the shelter in place months early in the pandemic to work on the relationship with myself. Being forced to just be made me realize how alone, depressed, and unhappy I truly was. I used my extroverted ways as a way to escape from my own inner turmoil. I used this time to allow people to slip out of my life. I hired a therapist, moved to a better living environments and started the journey. I since have let go of many people and now only have a few good ones left. Life can be a little bit more boring with less dinner invites and superficial company which really this all these horrible relationships are l. Simply company not real relationships. We can all learn boundary skills and how to communicate our needs to others. Those who want to be in our lives will value your boundaries and take to heart your needs in a loving way. I spend a lot more time alone these days but I no longer FEEL ALONE. sending you all love and inner peace.

[@tonjirucker999]

This applies to family relationships, too!!! 😢 But, it's still okay to respectfully establish your boundaries.

[@midnightvalkyrie]

After years of having terrible friendships and relationships, I’ve finally dropped them and it feels good. I made friends who actually respect me and make me feel like I have the support I need. I never thought that this is what friends should be like.

[@ComicStrip101]

My ex Bestfriend told my boyfriend at the time on the phone that she thought I was a psychopath. I overheard, and never trusted her again. She's since invited me to her wedding, then uninvited me after I had already booked time off work.

[@Princess_Of_Flowers]

Thank you so much, I needed this! I'm currently drifting away from a 'best' friendship after I was accused of not reaching out, while it was, in fact, more of the opposite way around. As I had been previously on and off with this person I called out the passive-aggression which basically made them discontinue the conversation. I will focus on my less selfish friends who actually care about me ✨

[@Hbfjjjjufvss]

Great video. The only part I don’t agree with is at the end. When you suggest that someone has to continue to talk to the person to try to work it out. Somethings are not worth working out. What if you’re not interested in the friendship anymore, because of how you’ve been treated? Sometimes behaviour shows you everything you need to know about someone and you don’t want to be their friend or have a discussion to try.

[@LXSeaV]

Very validating, fair and informative- thank you. I was vacillating this week about how to bring up several deliberately petty things a close friend did without knowing why she did that. Ultimately I decided to let her know today that her behavior was hurtful, rude and I wanted to know a) what was up and b) an apology. She cut me off and said she couldn’t handle such accusations 🙄 She definitely did what she did on purpose and to insult, so if she can’t come to regret that or even explain why she did it, we’re done. Didn’t want things to explode, but sometimes they have to.

[@jimmymatt6228]

2:30--Great comment back at the FAUXPOLIGIES that we're supposed to endure to be the so-called "bigger person." I also can't do THAT to myself anymore!

[@AFFTFOMSICHTS]

One sided & feeling drained in their presence were the combined reason I dumped 2 of my closest friends in my twenties.

[@ehong6391]

One of my friends offered me too much ‘constructive criticism.' It took more than a year to realize that the relationship was toxic. Of course there were other stuff in addition to the constructive criticism. Decided not to talk to her anymore.

[@insoromanoworries7923]

I used to ghost people. I tried to mature and talk to people, it NEVER goes well and I regret it. Now back to ghosting

[@ashleykathryn9038]

Me too! I used to always let them know how I felt and I would get the silent treatment or change of subject in return. Now I just ghost

[@yarabia]

I've lost 2 friends in my life. 1st - because I was left alone when I needed her the most. I was always with her, after break ups, during weekends, on thee new years eve - I invited her everywhere so she wouldn't be alone. Then she met someone. I broke up with my partner. Was she there for me? no, not even one weekend, not even saying holidays or new ears eve, she completely forgotten me, and was surprised some time after that I no longer offer ideas on how to spend time together. 2nd friend - I've lost her when I understood that she was around, just for fun. When we went out, for drinks, or dance, or shopping, but in REAL life she was not there for me or anyone else tbh. She just wanted to be a teenager forever (but we are 33...) So I left this friendship, cause if I only see someone while drinking, it's not worth it, besides I don't drink often so....

[@twilfits]

I'm much older but the story's the same. Some people think friends are like toys... they don't sense anything like reciprocity or caring. They want a new toy and must have a pileup of ignored (but not discarded) friends. It's easier to see the patterns

[@Sasha75995]

I wish I had known this when I was in highschool. I had a friend who kept abandoning me everytime we got into a argument and then she would act like nothing ever happened. She even tried to fight me cause I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. It was the most toxic friendship I had in highschool. I blamed myself but now I'm grateful she is no longer in my life.

[@Katimorton]

I am so sorry you went through that :( And glad that she is no longer in your life. xoxo

[@LeNoir2411]

Omg ,i can relate! I befriend my bestie back in highschool,even up till now , we're very close even live together,but i was so blind i let her treat me however she wants ,i hate myself for not realizing it sooner .. she has a habit of abandoning me when we argue, or ghosting me when I'm being friendly with others.. she'd often blame it on me.. I'm in the process of cutting her off but it's not easy ;(

[@danceandmore88]

One of my former friends once told me she wanted to have a chat with my mother, so I gave her my mother's phone number. I thought she wanted to discuss a birthday present for me or something of that kind. It turned out she wanted to know when I'd have the time to visit her (she lived in a different country and wanted to surprise me with the plane ticket🙄), and during that conversation, that friend told my mother the date of my graduation examination, which I'd been keeping secret because I'm a bit superstitious. That friend also did other things that were completely inacceptable. She didn't respect other people's boundaries because she didn't have any. She was going through a difficult time and I wanted to be supportive, but eventually, I ended that friendship. And just a thought- people have different definitions of friendship, for some, it's enough to occasionally hang out and chat, and that doesn't work for me. I need close friends who I can trust and who understand me, and who appreciate the things I'm passionate about. So trying to be friends with people who have different needs can be frustrating.

[@Agheel963]

Once my friend broke my trust that was it. That's my only term in relationship

[@tomlotti240]

Timely theme for me...got some surprising news about the untimely passing of two people I grew up with. Not quite friends, but not really acquaintances. Some dudes I knew, and occasionally hung around with. It's really given me a lot to think about. Time is so short. I saw one of them a few years ago and had a good conversation, catching up with him. It's weird to think back and realize...not sure where I'm going with this, but... It can be difficult cutting off people, as opposed to just letting a friendship fade. Tried it once, and wound up ironing it out because a mutual friend brought us all together at a lunch. It all came about from a comment that was made to the effect that said friend "couldn't be my only friend". It was more than that though. He got kind of aggressive with me once too, but immediately apologized. At the time stuff had just built up, but when we were having lunch, I could've sworn that he teared up, which was unexpected. Never seemed the type to display any emotion. Thinking back it seems like he was sort of in the middle of "getting his act together", and needed a favor (borrowing a car), and so...maybe it wasn't all that sincere? We haven't spoken in years at this point. Honestly, at this stage in my life having or making friends really isn't a priority. The recent news though has made me try to make an effort at being a bit more open to small talk, or to smile randomly at someone just 'cause...'cause life is really short! In any case, just had to get some stuff out there. Thanks!

[@noracola5285]

My toxic trait is that if I feel reluctant to bring up any toxic behaviors or boundaries for fear of conflict, I take that as my sign to cut them off preemptively. This is because I've encountered too may people who do lash out or retaliate at the smallest criticism & I thought that's just how people are & that talking about it would always backfire 🤦🏽‍♀

[@ct6852]

With narcissists it DOES always backfire. That's the problem.

[@noracola5285]

@@ct6852 Fair point

[@nirvanasunset]

There’s no such thing as constructive criticism with a narcissist. I’ve brought up issues I had in a friendship and the “friend” turned everything around on me and I ended up apologizing. It’s so ass backwards.

[@Aya-mp5hf]

This happened to me I told them what bothered me and they were mad about it as if they can't make mistakes in life...... After that experience I never tell anyone anything... I just distance myself until the friendship is gone.

[@WhileAKyle85]

This is the advice that should be given^ I'm not saying to not give someone a chance, but if they're abusive (emotionally or physically or both) at all, let them go. Don't hang on thinking they'll change. People never change really.

[@MoonChildlove]

I just cut off a friendship because of her toxic behavior. Very inconsiderate, and just don't know how to carry herself like a lady. We always had drama with each other, never see eye to eye. Sometimes, you have to love from a distance to save your energy from those who want to drain you. She even told me that me and another friend kill her shine when we go out. Like who says that. Also, she smokes weed and I don't, and she didn't care to do it around me. She never apologize for things she did and im over it

[@evaneufeld7398]

I recently let go of most of my friends. I became pregnant and found out our baby had a fatal condition. I carried her to term, and she passed away 16 hours after being born. We announced her diagnoses to friends, as we had just announced our pregnancy the day before we found out something was wrong. I thought these friends were close and would support me but they did not reach out. At 4 months pregnant, I was shocked to hear that it was my fault, because I never reached out. I told them it was not my place to reach out. They knew I needed support and it was up to them as friends to be there for me. I did not have the emotional strength. They apologized and promised to do better. I’ve always been a people pleaser and made excuses for my friends, but this was too far. I decided if they do better, great. But I was no longer giving without receiving. Surprise, surprise. They did not “do better” all I got were last minute cancellations and asking for me to come over because coming to my house was “too far” and they “didn’t have the money.” When I didn’t come to them as they were used to from me, I heard nothing up until a few days before my scheduled C-section, when these friends wanted to quickly make amends before I gave birth. I turned their advances down, I couldn’t sit through their attempts at receiving closure. They came to visit after my daughters funeral, but conversation did not even turn towards what happened to us, but focused on their busy, negative lives. I will randomly receive texts with attempts to meet up with me, hearing things like “I want to become a part of a who you have become” and “I can’t be there for you if you don’t reach out to me.” I decided to just stop responding for the most part. I want them to leave me alone at this point, but they just can’t seem to get the hint. Some days I want to block them, but I don’t think I can deal with the confrontation that would come from that.

[@Stella-yy5qt]

I’m sorry to hear this happened to you. I have a friend who recently did this and I ended up correcting her at a dinner in front of a bunch of people which sent her to the bathroom crying. It’s really hard when you don’t want to be around people anymore but they want to cling onto you. My advice and what I am trying to do is just set boundaries and not give in just because that they say they’re sorry. You don’t have to talk to them or hang out so maybe just let them know that you are taking a step back. Time will go by and they will eventually move on

[@Agheel963]

❤️

[@korereviews8088]

Thanks for this - it was really helpful. Was looking for videos on this subject and this is the only one that hit the mark. Other videos on narcissistic or toxic friends focused on outrageously narcissistic people with glaringly awful behaviors. These surely exist, but the more insidious problem is when your own empathy and history of codependent relationships lead you to get sucked into friendships with people who take more than they give, or whose friendship is highly conditional and one sided. This was my situation, and as I make progress in my healing, I'm just starting to really notice how problematic some of my friendships are.

[@lindavigil4908]

These are things parents need to be aware of. Teach your beautiful children these points so they know how to navigate through unhealthy friendships. Love you Kati Morton❣️

[@lindavigil4908]

BTW, my toxic friend is my own sister!

[@jacqui2651]

This also applies to some family members sadly. If they are toxic and don't have your best interests at heart say goodbye to them, they will never change, only continue to hurt.

[@silm7902]

This is amazing thank you new subscriber! I just turned 40 and I’ve realized how many friends I kept out of feeling sorry for them. I also stopped drinking so much and people are dropping like flies!

[@areuarealman7269]

Those drinking those drinking friends will go as well and people you liked high and drunk aren't fun when your sober nothing is the same actually just sober misery have fun one more month for me 10 years sober waste of time just everything is worse sober I'd rather go thru the next couple wasted being sober is for people that actually like it here.

[@maremaid15]

This is great, thank you. I ended a friendship where I couldn’t trust the friend. He would constantly violate my most personal things and finally, I said this is not good and I ended our friendship, so thank you for that. I would add one more to the this list. Friends who are addicted to something and you can no longer rely on them even though you’ve spoken to them it about it. If they are addicted, they must deal with their addiction and not involve you in situations that may be dangerous or problematic because of their addiction.

[@Eg-jd9zt]

Another is when they turn it on you when you come to tell them how you’re feeling and act like you’re the problem and they can’t be bothered with it. I just had this happen and it confirmed that friendship is definitely over. That was the confirmation I needed there wasn’t mutual care and understanding there at all. I had a friend that every time I left a convo I left feeling awful. Bc she’d either stop responding when she’d ask how I was or would make passive aggressive comments about my dating life bc she’s miserable with her own. I just couldn’t deal with it anymore and as a last ditch effort I expressed how I was feeling and she basically came back attacking me for it and acting like she can’t be bothered or is too busy. It became very clear how self absorbed she really was and confirmed I wasn’t imagining it at all. Someone like that does not belong in my life

[@deannacoker436]

I have friendships that they call me to tell me their problems and or to brag about how great their lives are, but they never ask me to go do anything with them. I’m the only one initiating. I always feel undervalued with my friends. I have no friends. I try to give and then give up.

[@racebannon96]

A lot of us here have gone through that. You are not alone. It gets old being the only initialer.

[@ladysparkymartin]

I’m 53 and many friendships have cycled through my life. Some dramatically and some quietly. But I’m so happy with my core crew now. It’s not high school clique like, some have met or know of each other at least, but they’re my satellites and I’m the axis for my life. Sounds weird but it’s really good. Each relationship is different and brings its own mutual benefits. I know several middle aged women who don’t have close friends so I’m pretty proud of what I have. I think a lot of it is due to being open to all types/ages/etc of people and dedication to those few that have offered the same vulnerability that I do. Oh, and age helps! No time left for riffraff! 😂💃 Thanks Kati!

[@ToniTerrier]

Sadly, at age 45 years of age, I have 1 friend (my husband), and sadly he doesn't have much time for me between his work and running a martial arts gym 7 evenings a week. I've had friends, best friends and acquaintances, all have been traumatic, when things are good at the start, incredibly fun, a great source of love and safety, but then they ALWAYS end up disappointing me, I always feel like I give so much more to friends than they give to me, they've always ended up a one way street. I've given up trying to make friends now, all they've ever done is hurt me deeply and made me feel massive sadness and anger. I have desperately wished for a friendship I see so many people having, but never achieved this myself. These issues may be because of my BPD, but it can't ALL be my BPD. Feels sad to know that I'll be alone if my hubby passes before me, but I'm dealing with that and coming to terms with knowing I'll end up being all alone when I pass, I'll probably not even be noticed for months (once bills aren't being paid).

[@RaynaTamarinASMR]

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is actually a response to a narcissistic person to diffuse their accusatory rage and projections at you. If you can never respond, even better. But they are looking for you to be small and defend your character to them, and this response is actually suggested to diffuse the situation. Because it’s hard to continue an attack on you once you say this phrase.

[@happygoluckystar8069]

This is right! 👍👍 This is waht I wanted to say. This is a technique. If someone says this to you - lets reflect: whether we do not make them overly responsible for our feelings… 🤔

[@DisWldFrk90]

Omg am I glad I found your video! Not only to realize toxic friendship signs, but also to realize something toxic I was doing that I didn't realize was. Get this: I was told to use the phrase of "I'm sorry you felt like that" though I never thought about until now how that was probably an apology fit to a specific to a situation that shouldn't be used as a general apology. I was told to say that to a toxic friend who kept getting mad at me when I did normal things. Like if I sat next to her and she didn't want me to though I didn't know that until she yelled at me. I was told apologize like this to her because if I said "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that" She would interpret that to mean she was right to get mad at me when she wasn't at all and could continue to have these expectations for me to read her mind and push me around. So I then thought, if its a scenario where say a misunderstanding happened where no one truly did anything wrong it was just a misinterpretation, that's how you should apologize to let them know it was a misunderstanding. Now I realize thats not a good apology to use in that situation and I need to change it up as they won't feel heard if I apologize like that. Thank you so much! Here's to improving myself.

[@twilfits]

Here's to improvement! Imo generally just don't say "I'm sorry YOu feel that way' ugh.

[@DisWldFrk90]

@twilfits Yes I had never realized how generally bad that sounded until she pointed it out. I think I was just so accustomed to having toxic friends I didn't realize it. Now though I've made more effort to have better friends, and they deserve better apologies!

[@jennyrbaker]

Last year, I ended a friendship with someone who was gaslighting me. I was in denial for a long time, but I finally accepted that they really were emotionally abusing me. I even cut ties with our mutual friends so that I could have a clean slate. Now I have to figure out how to cut ties with my toxic mother.

[@Agheel963]

Know exactly what you're going through. Friends constantly gaslighting rewriting history and flat out lying and using me. Even when I called it out I was gaslit threatened told I was crazy

[@LostFunocity]

Friendship is a two way street, right there between honesty and trust. But if your friend isn't willing to make the trip and meet you halfway. And not willing to overcome their limitations, or even try....It can hurt if you're always going to them.

[@IssaRaeOf10S]

It was the "Bish! I just told you!" for me 🥇😄

[@vanessasarritzu853]

Sometimes they don’t even have to be toxic to cut them off your life, they simply have nothing in common with us because our lives have changed, our priorities have too and so I personally prefer to peacefully leave the scene.

[@Agheel963]

When you out grow them bc you tried to help them and they basically treat you like dirt it's time to move on

[@chillvibez268]

My toxic relationship is with my mom. Every single point was spot on about her. Boundaries are an attack on her, well at least that's how she reacts. I want to go no contact with her but I immediately panic at the thought of it. Toxic mothers are the worst and so many of us women have one!

[@liana2136]

Yes, I have one who can be horrible at times, and it has taken me too long to realize she will never ever change.

[@michelesavino1928]

Will not apologize: the most I ever got from this “friend” was she said: “my bad.” So dismissive.

[@justinhoward7725]

I guess toxic parents can also be toxic friends by default. I used to call my dad the "psychic vampire" due to his nature of draining what good feelings I had. Often times I would visit him only to leave feeling like I ran a marathon. He had his repertoire of fake apologies as well. I did solve that problem by moving 2 states away, but in the process I've become more isolated. When I was 16, I essentially lost what little social circle I had in school as word got out that I was having problems. Over the years I've reconnected to a few only to lose them in rapid succession. I may have walked under one too many social ladders because I've somehow became a liability in the friends department. I've never been the one who's swamped others with my own problems, and I was always around to lighten the mood with one of my bad jokes. I guess I'm only needed for a certain period of time before other people find someone better and move on. Can't seem to figure that part out.

[@MrClarissacain]

Oh hey i think i might know this one! Do some self reflection and see if you aren't allowing yourself to be vulnerable with friends, cuz if you aren't (yay, childhood trauma!) then your friends never feel like you're all that close and just kind of drift away. It is SO HARD to share with friends when family trains us to expect an ulterior motive for every kindness, crapping on any accomplishment, or has a documentable history of holding any mistake against us.

[@IMeMineWho]

Sil.

[@annamoody1590]

I just had a “friend” send me over a seven minute voice message going off about how much weight she’s lost. How many compliments she’s gotten on her weight and how good she feels in her body……right after very very vulnerably opening up a few days earlier, that I was struggling with body image, and have a very extensive past with eating disorders- all recovered and healed thoughout my healing journey. But the way that message felt was like a punch to my gut. Especially because I also mentioned that one of my childhood friends who I paid a visit to when I was visiting my hometown really hurt my feelings by going off about how financially stable her and her husband were for over 2 hours and then kept asking about my financial status… just that whole idea of rubbing something in someone’s face almost poking at them. It feels so disrespectful. We’re in most situations in most cases I would love to be really excited and happy for whatever accomplishment that someone in my life has achieved- however, there is such a huge difference when someone’s ego is just gloating to get off on passively or energetically putting another person in a weird situation or putting them down. I can’t even reply to this girl not even knowing how to express how sending me a voice message going off about the very thing I told you I was insecure about the other day isn’t kind. Mind you she’s 32, I’m 27 and she’s constantly reminding me she’s older than me and it’s my trigger I need to deal with. 🥲 Ghosting her feels passive but replying feels pointless and it’s gonna feel like crap to not be heard and being made to feel bad. 🥹

[@burntpopcorn7299]

Sounds like she’s a terrible friend.