Grieving Unlived Lives & Finding Hope: Ask Kati Anything Ep. 197

[@angieh612]

I’m grieving the life I always thought I would have. I’m now 50 and my biggest desire in life was to be married and have a family but it never happened. I feel like my life got switched with someone else’s. Now I am taking care of my elderly mother who has dementia and is basically a child. It’s been challenging caring for her because she was emotionally neglectful my entire life. I really needed to hear this. Thank you Katie.

[@raerae2885]

Wishing you joy and blessings.

[@melantha5]

Really relate to this.

[@jclyntoledo]

If she was that horrible to you, you don't owe her anything

[@itsonlyatail]

I’m so sorry , being a caregiver I think is the hardest job! I’m a retired nurse, I had to retire a couple years earlier than I wanted, I took care of my mother the last 3 years of her life and 12 midnight shifts and taking care of her got to be to much. My mother and I never really close to her, she just lived at the house I did, then they were on the 18 and out plan. Sold the house and moved 60 miles away. So taking care of her was very difficult, she never respected the fact that I was a nurse and just always said you don’t know what you’re talking about.. so it wasn’t fun for either of us. I was as better at the hospital the being her care giver. So I’m giving you stars for doing that.

[@y5mgisi]

The unlived life, because of choices I've made, is my biggest daily struggle.

[@jclyntoledo]

You have to forgive yourself and have self compassion. It will make it easier if you do that. You'll still grieve but you will hate yourself and your life less.

[@y5mgisi]

@jclyntoledo it's tough to do when I don't feel like I deserve that kindness, forgiveness, etc. I will say I'm getting better, but still struggle a lot.

[@OneinaMilianDesigns]

I’ve been grieving my unlived life and am turning 40 this year. Now seeing a therapist so I can change my approach.

[@beatbuildersstudio]

I'm in the same boat as I'm turning 40 and my life not being what I thought it would be. I keep saying I should go to therapy but I don't seek it out.

[@ivanasimic2072]

Is that private therapy you must paying for?

[@michellewasthere]

I went to therapy for same thing and I basically was talking to a social worker. I had to diagnose myself bc deep down I knew the root cause of my depression and anger. They sat there and let me talk for 45 min.

[@OneinaMilianDesigns]

@@ivanasimic2072 yes it’s private therapy that I pay per session.

[@OneinaMilianDesigns]

@@beatbuildersstudio you never know, it might help! So far, it has helped me. I have been stuck on expectations that others had for me and I can finally see there’s light at the end of the tunnel. 💡

[@2zai207i]

I’m grieving an unlived right now. It’s a crippling sorrow I never knew existed. I’m desperate for a change.

[@sunshinevalley0]

Have you done anything different in the last week

[@gordongraham7]

As soon as I saw "grieving unlived lives," I knew I had to watch this video. I'm a 50 year old gay man who was deeply closeted until my mid-30s. I constantly wonder what life would have been like if I came out in my teens instead. I grieve that unlived life constantly. In addition, I lost my dad when I was 10, and I grieve the life I could have had if he lived.

[@cybertyte]

"Be a detective about it, not judgmental." 40 years of on/off self-help and therapy, I've never heard this. Even as I write this my inner voice is screaming "No! You need to feel the shame and guilt while you do the work." No. I don't! Thank you Kati, for being real.

[@Job.Well.Done_01]

Nope. No more shame and guilt. Serious business. Free yourself, my friend. We all support and believe in you. Enjoy your freedom. Love to you ❤

[@CosmoWardenII]

Hope is the grandest and most painful gaslight of them all.

[@IyanaAlyce]

When I watch these videos it seems like a therapy session, so healing.

[@Lemonady]

Timestamps! Q1 - 1:27 Q2 - 13:20 Q3 - 33:12 Q4 - 36:11 Q5 - 42:07 Q6 - 52:36

[@hiya1399]

I relate to this a lot as someone who was put on psych drugs as a teenager after being misdiagnosed for 3 decades. I lost a considerable amount of time in the psychiatric system being put on drug after drug after drug for over 20 years. The doctors kept telling me I could start my life after they found “the right cocktail.” I was polydrugged into disability without knowing what was happening. One year turned into 5 years, 5 years turns into 10 years and before you know it, you’re almost 40 and totally disabled by these drugs with no career, no family, no past and no future. It’s a grief I can’t even begin to unpack. But I know now I never needed any psychiatric drugs, I had an autoimmune condition that was never properly diagnosed. I never experienced the things my peers did and had to watch everyone grow up, build their careers, travel, get married and live their lives. I was totally disabled by psychiatric drugs the minute I was put on them and not a single doctor or therapist I saw recognized what was happening to me. How do I grieve that? I’m now 40 and I’m unable to work or drive because of the neurological damage these drugs caused. I’m a 40 year old virgin because these drugs doctors put me on as a teenager caused sexual dysfunction before I ever got to have a sexual experience. I grieve the life I lost to psychiatry. I grieve the loss of sexuality I never got to discover. I grieve the children I will never get to have. I don’t know how psychiatry is allowed to do this to kids, especially young teenage girls who haven’t even had their first kiss yet. How can this continue to happen? Why did my life mean nothing to them? I look back on all the things I didn’t get to do and things I never got to experience and I can’t even begin to grieve it all. Entire portions of my life are missing. Decades of my life were stolen and I feel so incredibly betrayed. I’ve tried finding a therapist who understand what psychiatric survivors go through but haven’t found one yet. No one truly gets it unless they’ve lived it. My entire life was stolen by psychiatry and their drugs. I grieve all the lost potential and I’m trying rebuild my life after getting off the drugs. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemies.

[@c_j_01]

I really feel for you after reading your story. I am so impressed by your bravery and resourcefulness ❤

[@crystaltomlinson7699]

I hope you find a way to make peace with it all. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[@momlee664]

I’m sorry you went through that. I’ve been to many therapists and I balked at the just giving drugs thing so they don’t like me because I Buck their box checking diagnosis! There needs to be people who will listen with a compassionate ear, hearing the pain and what they feel is happening to their body, and that can’t happen in 45 min! Then the only question they ask is how was last week?! I’m with you the whole system is not as cut and dry as they think it is!

[@itsonlyatail]

I’m so sorry you were put through that from the medical community.. I m sorry you never had a mother that fought for you ❤

[@markmuller7962]

Having been diagnosed with ADHD at 40 years old after seeing my life being dismantled piece by piece I always feel like my life have been lost especially the best years, the youth years

[@allimac5977]

Relate Mark. Diagnosed same at same age. Totally went thru a grief after it. It all made sense.... but how to fit into a neuro society?? This podcast is so valuable from Kati.

[@hecklinjekyll3959]

Same as well. Almost 50. I don't have any of the things I learned I should have. The worst for me is to think maybe I could have found someone to share my life with, but I haven't.

[@markmuller7962]

@@hecklinjekyll3959 Yes, that's the worst part

[@kirsteetu131]

Be a detective for excitement...oh I like the sound of that! Things to be excited for this week: getting a new 2024 diary, going for a coffee tomorrow, meeting a friend on Saturday, booking some time away from work in next few months to go to on a trip 🙂

[@JA99]

The first question was mine and to see how many people it resonated with really made me feel so much better knowing that i'm not alone in feeling this way. This community is so helpful. 🙏 thank you.

[@too_tired_for_this]

The first question was perfect. I’m 45, and living with my family, single and alone. I struggle so much with grieving my unlived life. I was so close to doing the job that I had always thought was perfect for me. Now I’m on disability, and I feel like a total failure.

[@justanotherfan18]

Unlived life because I'm so stuck in my DID struggle. Just turned 50. I think that when my son turns 18 and graduates from highschool, I will have more freedom. I want to car camp and travel. I don't want this house I'm in anymore. I feel it's to much to take care of. I want to move to a warmer climate, probably FL or if I really want to go to the Bahamas or Aruba.

[@Kira-zy2ro]

I am a trans woman. Due to me growing up in the 70's and 80's, coming of age in the early 90's after a terribly bad and abusive childhood and much bullying, i ended up on disability and in a very conservative area, and when i finally discovered what was up with me (and finally knew it existed) i couldnt transition due to no support, no money and no safety. Im transitioning now in my late 40's and early 50's and all i missed and will never have just tears me up. So much wasted life. I feel like i am a flower blossoming right before the lawnmower cuts me down. Whether its age, disease or a looming nuclear war, i feel i never lived and now i could finally start....i am about to wither and die. the best years of my life, that other people fill with good memories to, at the point where i am now, have something light and warm to look back upon when the cold dark night approaches, those years went by for me in a desperate struggle to survive. I keep mourning my lost life i could have had if i had transitioned in my 20's i could have had a job, some sort of a family, love community instead of wilting alone isolated in some apartment struggling to make ends meed in en endless hopeless grind.. I sometimes wonder if its even worth doing the last bit of my existence , bcs i have nothing to look back on but suffering and nothing to look forward to... but _more_ suffering. anyhow. had to get that off my chest.

[@kevintempany6936]

I grieved the loss of my authentic parents long before they physically died. There passing was a relief. Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having a different past

[@jclyntoledo]

I agree, you have to forgive yourself or forgive your past and maybe in your case your parents? 🤔

[@crystaltomlinson7699]

Wow, I really did grieve when I ended my 23-year relationship with the father of my kids. It was just like a death, it was the death of what I thought my life would be. 11 years later I remain single, I have no interest in another relationship. That one was just too much.

[@Elyza404]

I'm currently in the process of grief due to losing most of my 20s to a debilitating chronic illness. But I'm glad that Im in a stage where I have hope for my 30s being better than this last decade. I spent so many years in a haze of pain and constant dissociation that I started calling myself the undead. Now starting my 30s I'm in the process of rediscovering who I am and what brings me joy while also mourning all the things I cant do anymore. I'm also starting therapy for the first time since I finally have enough energy to spare on my mental health.

[@malkaz9167]

As far as grieving what you wished your life to be, be careful what you wish for. What I wanted and expected would make me happy in my 20s and 30s turned out to be delusional. I can see now that I am much older that those things I expected would make me happy would have made me miserable.

[@michellewasthere]

It can be anger and disgust on missing out, trying to regain years we lost. Took me years working through that.

[@Sarahhedger]

The first question I relate to deeply, I’m grieving the life I thought I’d have. I’m 34 and since I was 19 I have multiple chronic illnesses and a rare sleep disorder (non 24). All I ever wanted in life is to be a mother it was and is the the be end all for me, I feel such deep levels of despair knowing that if it doesn’t happen soon my chance will be gone. It’s hard to know how to come to terms with something that you wanted so much.

[@micahcooper4505]

That sounds like a scary feeling. I noticed that with the expectations in the comments have the "beat the clock" kinda vibe. It still hurts but we're not alone.

[@Shaun_rennycinq]

im looking forward to moving out into my own space, where i will hopefully feel comfortable enough to let my guard down and have some emotional freedom. Living with a mother who invalidates and denies what you are describing you are experiencing and doesnt agree with what you feel you need and subsequently doesnt offer any support at all to help you improve your well-being, is not healthy.

[@y5mgisi]

33:08 it's true. The fear of discomfort is what keeps me stuck.

[@lm8366]

An unlived life is exactly that. There’s no fixing it or getting around it

[@lovelyrainflowerfarm]

When writing became difficult for me, my therapist suggested doing audio journaling. And that has helped. I just use an app for voice recording, and say whatever is on my mind.

[@jclyntoledo]

This is my first time hearing about audio Journaling

[@dongivafoc4493]

I've been grieving the career I will never have cause I lost the opportunity instead to be there for my mother. I can't stop crying about it and convince myself that I don't regret any decision in that matter

[@ruthbarnes9999]

That's so selfish on your mothers part to allow that to happen. She's lived her life and should've allowed u to live yours and fulfil your dreams as u desire. She would've known full well what u were going to miss out on but her needs were more important than you were unfortunately.

[@jclyntoledo]

That's terrible, are you sure there's not some way you can try to go for that career now? Of not then please seek therapy so you don't resent your mom or hate yourself. You deserve compassion and at the time you made the decision you thought was best.

[@itsonlyatail]

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 65 and I feel my whole life was a waste..the didn’t even test boys back them…but girls were never even thought to be tested that until a few years ago, and girls present so different! This has caused so chaos in my life. I isolate because of this, feels like I’m just laying here waiting to die. I don’t have friends because I don’t want them to have to deal with me, and how does a 68 year old find friends.

[@jclyntoledo]

You can still make friends! You don't have to be alone and you don't have to keep having all this shame. Shame is really hard to overcome, trust me I know but I think it's worth finding someone who understands adhd and shame issues/trauma.

[@Langkowski]

I'm over 50, and have been living in an invisible prison my entire life. When I was 18 my life was put on hold, and I have been stuck on the same spot every since. God knows I have tried to break free, but I have realized the only way to do so is to physically move away. Which is impossible, because there are no way for someone unemployed and without education to find someone that will welcome you. I have tried several options. WWOOF Australia. I was too old. Kibbutz: my doctor refused to put her signature on papers that said I could work. She was actually angry at me because I wanted to work in a kibbutz when I was unemployed at home. When I'm stuck in my apartment day out and day in, I'm slowly rotting away.

[@WingsOfAzazel]

I'm sorry you're going through all that, is there an option to maybe see a different doctor?

[@abby4027]

Thanks Kati! The grieve question was on point. I want to share a little bit. I had always had a dream that I would be a teacher. When I got to college into my program I thought I was working towards my goals. Instead, I was met with a tone of roadblocks. I tried hard to overcome the situation, but it wasn’t the right path for me. I transferred into communication and got a degree with a specialization health communication. I know get to use my life experience as some with a chronic illness AND my professional knowledge and experience to help others navigating this life (that also happens to come with a ton of grief). My point is that we can look back and sometimes realize we don’t always know what we need and some of the best things come unexpectedly.

[@freedomforusa1658]

Im 40, have gone no contact for my sociopathic abussive parent, but she still breaks boundaries even when I am adult. I encourage strongly, that the young people make that big change to seperate themselves from their abussive parents early. My grandparents tried to sneak me away when I was young and change my name and stuff, but my grandma felt guilty and left contact info for my abussive mother to follow up on. That was stupid. I was almost free of her when I was a gradeschooler! So do find the right path and move on to a life thats good for you! 😊

[@chestnut1279]

I agree. To think I could have gotten out and didn't is hard to take. But I was taught that doing for myself was wrong. So, we're all here to say doing for yourself is RIGHT and so do it. Get out and do your own life. :)

[@CreativeArtandEnergy]

This is a big one with chronic PTSD and Fibromyalgia that’s been almost life long. It’s so much how society is set up to think we stay with people we went to school with, when I’m going through stuff at one age they might not even understand. And it’s been like waiting for doctors to catch up or something.

[@itsmekimmielc]

I used to be someone who always used that excuse... "It's too simple" or silly for me. I bite the bullet so many times and 'just do it' anyway to see if it works. It usually does. If it's sooo simple, why don't we try it? Give yourself permission to do something basic, simple, or silly. Life is too short. Love you Kati.

[@heatherwiner2883]

I hear you about looing for excitement but with depression it is too much to ask.

[@caesilver4947]

Thank you for answering my question (the 3rd) Kati!🙏 I try my best to talk with my therapist about it- the next time I see her. And I think you're right...In my childhood it didn't matter what I wanted, needed etc. I was abused in many ways and I felt very alone..and now I'm 31 years old and have to learn it... Step by step

[@gailvanvalkenburgh5260]

I was 4 months into retirement at in 2016 at 64. When my husband fell off a ladder. He had his leg amputated! No retirement for me😢 full-time caregiver 😢

[@HeathaLynn13]

This is absolutely horrific. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope he can get rehab and eventually gain some independence back, so you can have some independence as well. Again, I’m so sorry your family is going through this

[@namedrop721]

You’re 7 years in…does he have a prosthetic or any autonomy cuz he should if possible

[@jclyntoledo]

Where do you live? In some places they compensate you for having to leave work to take care of disabled family members

[@deltablaze77]

I was homeschooled. We were hyper religious. We didn't believe in gong to the doctor, and all "mental health issues" were just a lack of will power or sin. Now I don't understand people and people don't understand me. I think I am simpler than most people assume, and I am learning most people seem to be more complicated than I assume. I don't know. I would love to be given the benefit of the doubt at some point from someone. At this point I don't see any combination of paths that leads to connection. Which feels sad, because this life is some sort of magical gift, so being forced to stand on the sidelines and watch it wither away completely wasted is devastatingly tragic.

[@bernitamckinney7049]

Waking up to a video from Kati is the best way to start the day! Thank you, Kati! 💜

[@ikethebarberingbae4508]

I thought my Mother telling me her childhood trauma was making us closer. It gave me a false sense of understanding her and why she made the choices she made. In reality it was causing me to enable her; we have a very toxic relationship and we are no contact;. Since this year started we’ve talked twice and we’ve texted once and I’m at a point in my life where I’m ok with this level of communication!

[@jclyntoledo]

I'm so proud of you for going low contact and distancing for your mental health. I would recommend if possible to find a therapist who understands trauma but specifically childhood trauma aka complex ptsd and dysfunctional families 😊.

[@CelticSongbird9642]

I was going to go into ultrasound, but I couldn't. Then I tried computer science and couldn't. I was going to have a life with universal healthcare and lots of traveling, but no, my mental illnesses stopped me. But I'm living the good life--no having to work, focusing on my art and performing. There are so many festivals in my area where I want to perform, so I've focused on that.

[@aaronkneile]

You give so much of yourself. It must be hard work to do what you do. I hope you know how many people's lives you've touched.

[@mikehess4494]

The examined life is a life worth living.

[@chestnut1279]

all your videos are so instructive. never heard one ounce of this and i've had therapy for years and years with diff people. It's surreal that not one word of this was ever said to me when clearly these are the issues I was talking about.

[@KendraMorana]

I'm Grieving over the loss of my mom which was emotionally neglectful also I never got the chance to rekindle our relationship or make a good one. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am depressed and feel like bad things keep happening to me, Unfair things. Grief of the joy I used to feel as a kid. I want to have realistic expectations of myself. Not living up to others expectations.

[@4realkarma]

This has been a really uncomfortable but necessary eye opener for me. Thank you for this video.

[@aubreyrose3283]

Oh wow so much to unpack with this episode. You talked about deciding if this is something you want for your life or what society wants for your life. Well, this is what I'm grieving right now. For years I did what I thought was the right thing, but not what I wanted. Deep down I knew it wasn't what I wanted from life but I kept just saying "Well that's just the way things are". It wasn't till all those pent-up needs and wants came tumbling out that I realized how far into a hole I'd dug myself by not listening to my true needs and wants. Now I'm grieving the time lost, the opportunities missed the possibilities that will never be achievable because it took me 20+ years to ACTUALLY listen to myself. It's really really hard. 2+ years in and it's still something I'm working on. Frankly, I don't think I'll ever fully get over it. Oh and the 5th question. Where they desire connection but not with their parents... That's totally me, and again it's something I struggle with. My parents were good people they were kind, they always gave me what I needed, and we did EVERYTHING together Yet I never felt like I was connected to them. Everything we did or talked about was always superficial. In fact, the thought of telling my parents how I felt about many things made me so anxious because I was always afraid of being judged by them. If I did anything or wanted to do anything they didn't approve of they wouldn't get upset or angry, but I'd get judgement or "the look" that told me they didn't agree with what I was doing and it just ate me up inside. I still have a hard time seeing my parents as emotionally neglectful but in reality, I know it's probably true. I also have a hard time getting mad at them about it. It wasn't their intent, they were just doing the best with the skills they were given growing up. I read lots of things talking about it being ok and even healthy to be upset with the people who mistreated you, but what if I don't? What if I just saw them as innocent people thrown into a situation they weren't prepared for without knowledge to even know what they were doing was harmful. I almost see them as as much victims in this whole intergenerational trauma narrative as myself. OK ok. Rant over for now. Thanks Kati.

[@CodeDusq1]

So many things I wanted for my future and no matter how hard I worked towards them, roadblocks would emerge holding me back. I guess the universe has different plans for me.

[@neroow2258]

😢

[@MatthewMuhammad]

It's not the universe or your fault. Society is structured in a certain way to make things hard for people. You did the best you could, I'm sure.

[@TrainerLiz1]

Thank you Matthew

[@TrainerLiz1]

​@@MatthewMuhammad thank you for your comment of support.❤

[@jclyntoledo]

​@@MatthewMuhammad😭😭 Yes, it's the system and that is both comforting and depressing

[@coleeb1892]

Great exploration of the varied forms of grief and how to explore healthy ways to understand it and potentially adapt to it.

[@gabriellearterburn4428]

Thank you for this video. Very helpful. 💚 And the odd thing I look forward to? I recently purchased this really nifty battery powered vacuum, and it's still such a novelty, I look forward to using it all the time.

[@erinm3567]

Very timely! Today I'll be receiving some pretty journals I bought off of Amazon and I'm determined to use them haha. I'm definitely grieving the life that undiagnosed ADHD caused me. (Diagnosed at 29). People mistreated me bc of it and I'm struggling with that. Grieving the fact that I can't take meds for it bc I have a heart condition and I feel it's too risky.

[@johnbillings5260]

I feel like trying to allow myself to grieve is a minefield. I find myself slipping into rumination and creating more trauma even if I intend to eject before things get too real. It makes me wonder if some people's minds are destined to have to just bury it away for life.

[@slr4092]

Hmm, I never looked at journaling like that. I am in therapy and I have been sharing what I have been writing down so she knows what to focus on.

[@jennamartin4098]

I get excited when I come home from work to my three cats

[@Bea_triceP]

A couple of these questions and answers really hits home to me. Thanks Kati and community

[@vellutoarts]

i'm grieving the life i would like to live and it won't gonna happen. I'm 32 and i 'm not the adult that i wish. and this is so sad because i set a lot of too high standards and tortured myself so much to achive it that now i realize i couldnt do it because i was surviving rather develop the skills that it was required.... and now i have to heal from trauma and process the grief. i hate to have this struggle. i feel so ressentment and anger, because now it is hard to feel hope to move onaccept a reality that i hate

[@Nancy-cm1rh]

Thank you Katie for alllll u talk about. It's very hard...... @ my age. My parents r gone now.......

[@TheTricksterCoyote]

I have been recently going through this. The holidays really dug up all the grief. I don't Ono what to do....

[@gabriellemorellisinger1608]

This was so helpful I appreciate your contribution wholeheartedly. I took away some great tools from literally every question ❤️

[@AngelinaKaul]

Just picked up your book Traumatized and started reading it. Will have it done in 30 minutes. Easy and eye opening read. Possibly one of the best books on the subject. Thank you for writing. Following you here now.❤🙏

[@justathot5173]

Thank you, Kati! Very helpful in so many ways.

[@SurferJoe1]

The parentified child- (a term I learned from this channel)- is a longtime Hollywood staple. When MGM writer Frances Marion saw a drunken fighter being taken care of by his protective little boy, she wrote the 1931 classic "The Champ", re-made many times. Ten years earlier, Jackie Coogan was looking after Charlie Chaplin's tramp character in "The Kid".

[@eljayfield]

This was so revealing. A person I respect and love encourages me to journal as well and I just realized why I can't seem to. Because I have adhd and writing actually interrupts my thoughts I think. But I do therapy and talking and thinking does help. In case anyone else wonders why journaling doesn't work well if that could be the reason

[@usualsuspects42]

ADHD is terrible.

[@julia______]

Thank you for this episode Kati. I just started watching your channel after experiencing some mental struggles in my life. I am fortunate enough to be starting therapy in two weeks and your channel is a comforting resource as I await my first appointment. Best wishes and thanks again.

[@thehatakeyama]

Thanks kati!! You always highlight small but important issues to talk about

[@joshp.5714]

I had to move back in the folks where getting excited about things is painful with how they get so belittled and smothered in doubt. My saying in middle school used to be "Home is where hope goes to die" and unfortunately this still holds true.

[@jclyntoledo]

That's terrible, is there anyone like a friend or another family member like a sibling or cousin you can go live with in the future? Your mental health is important too

[@anniekwok7651]

My heart feels for you and I pray you will find redemption and restoration to live a new life with new meaning. 🙏

[@crazydrummerofdoom]

After my life was hijacked by grief of loosing my parents and pushed over the edge into anxiety and TMS I have no idea when I will get my life back after 22 months of this hell.

[@jclyntoledo]

The part where you say we don't want pity we just want support 😭😭😭. I've been trying to explain this for the longest and it feels like hardly anyone gets it.

[@agnecianaome5516]

I loved the video, I love the comments, I love this community Thank you Kati

[@GillianAnnBlower]

Isolation as a child has caused multiple deaths, so to speak, in my life, didn't develop huge parts of me, or changed me into someone I don't recognize. Still looking for clues. Can't do much about what's done but trying to alert my family to few issues. That may not help. Oh well. Thank you for your work. ❤

[@msxeunybunxy]

This was a very good video. Thanks for sharing. Something that I'm looking forward to is that I work in a school and we are off on Friday and Monday!!!

[@macsarcule]

Excellent program, so many conversations that are so helpful in continuing work with my therapist, thank you Katie! 😌✨

[@ElinorRigby]

I was not expecting the parent question in the video… I remember once in the car as a kid just hearing my mom go off about my dad, which I understood was a really really hard situation for her, but at at one point I kind of lost it and don’t know why I even said it, but I shouted, “I’m not your psychiatrist!” and she apologized because I had a migraine at that point, but I felt awful for saying it.

[@sfoyogi8979]

Kati, i REALLY appreciate your realness... and that you are willing to share your own situation... thank you very much and F that other commenter.

[@jcflyguy9209]

I'm not really sure if I'm grieving or not. From the outside I have a good life...Wife, Kids, home, dog, good job at a good company. I guess I just wonder what life would be like if I didn't hate myself, if I had self confidence, didn't have Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, BPD, and PTSD. What would life be like if I didn't have those dragging me down?

[@jclyntoledo]

You could still be grieving even if your life is good. You can still be grieving the childhood you never got or grieving the version of you that isn't depressed if you are depressed or just whatever life you wanted.

[@momlee664]

Be a detective don’t judge, very good advice! I had to retire because of chronic stress which means I’m sitting home ruminating and grieving the life I gave to others and very little to myself. So I bite the bullet and get a therapist as I have little money. And she only goes off the DSM no consideration for all that I’ve researched over the years in trying to help myself. So no consideration being given to being a late diagnosed autistic, or being an INFJ, that’s just pseudo science! So you are all alone not knowing what to do and getting more upset as the months go by and boom she’s got you labeled as bipolar in six 45 min session just from trying to explain why you feel upset and alone. But let’s discount my life experiences that should work! No advice no questions just judgment, not why you are feeling disconnected. My big trigger is people judging me so why would I want to go to another therapist whose only goal is to click boxes but not understand the why? Over this, isn’t there a group that helps you with what to do when you are retired, grieving the life you never got?

[@sandradonovan5991]

Kati, we love you...thanks for this..Keep on, Keepin on!!!

[@MrEpsilonZero]

I'm so excited And I just can't hide it I'm about to lose control and I think I like it

[@carolynmcmillan7083]

McRib, we’ve not had that in the uk for prob 20 years or more it was sooooo nice 😊. I used to watch all your vids but haven’t been on KZbin much for 18 months or so! I related to so very much of this video

[@sammylove14]

I have a topic that I’d love for you to cover - cheating and how to handle it, prevent it, plus forgiveness of ourselves.

[@carleybarnes4365]

Me and my brother are close in age and any time we would go to our dad’s house we would watch over our little sister who was 2 years old when our parents divorced.

[@Taobeth]

16:15 my mom made me her therapist and didn't spare any details on her sexual life, so the incest term feels fitting

[@ivanasimic2072]

Thanks for honesty

[@17...20]

This is a great one, Katie. Thanks

[@Lara_Williams]

DBT helped me put my boundary up - at 41 had to cut her off due to 4 decades of abuse, saved my mental health.

[@everend_xyz]

Really loved this episode 🤍

[@pugninja7037]

My muml told me about her stories about being beat, raped emotionally abused at 14 , I didn't have friends we just moved to a pub . She was my responsibility i felt i protected had fights with my dad.. I walked away years ago

[@robdegregorio6508]

Thank you for your video. It is very profound.

[@heatherwiner2883]

I agree. I would rather see a therapist who knows how it feels to be depressed or anxious or avoidant or lonely to help me.

[@jclyntoledo]

I originally liked it but I think the grieving part is valid on it's own bc if you just say depressed they will ask why but if you're constantly mourning the life you could have had or wanted to have then maybe they need to approach it differently

[@princeofb7383]

Thank you for this Katie ❤ really helpful!!!

[@nancyliawoods]

Thank you ma'am ❤

[@moisesrosas7916]

Happy New Year Kati!

[@alicemarshall0823]

When i was growing up my mom was physically disabled and couldn't walk and my dad had to work 2 jobs to support the family and wasnt around a ton and when he was all he wanted to do was sleep. My mom was also emotional abusive and neglective. As a young child all i wanted was to spend time with her but due to her physical disabilities she wasnt able to give me the physical attraction she wanted to that i needed. So instead she would yell and scream at me and force me to do house chores and i was never allowed to have friends without her meeting then amd the parents and going over to see where they lived and asked tonnof questions about the kid and their family and so i never made friends cuz of how overbearing she was about it. I was never allowed to leave the house without her permission, couldn't even got play in the yard without her being out there with ke to physically keep her eyes on me ever single second and if she ever lost sight of me for any reason she would freak out and ground me and make me go back inside and sent to my room. I also had to help mom take care of herself, i had to help her dress, shower, eat, walk, use the toilet, i had to cook for her and the family we lived with. Mom was on disability checks and food stamps and dad worked 2 jobs so we had to move in with one of my moms sisters and her husband to help with house chores when i was at school amd to help take care of mom as well and to drive her and i places we needed to go when dad wasnt around to drive us. I was locked up in the house 24/7 and only let out to go to school. Mom gave me a rule that i wasnt allowed to toalk to other kids while at school only allowed to speak to school staff members. Had to help do chores amd take care of mom. As a young child i always wanted to spend time with my kom and for a few years she tried her best to do what she could with me but before i left elementary school i eventually just stoped asking to for her to do thing with me or for me cuz the answer was always no. I understand that she was physically and medically disabled but i was still a child who just wanted love and attention from my parents and i never got it. I was raised and taught to be a mini adult from an extremely young age. My childhood was ripped away from me. All my choice made by others around me. Locked inside like a prisoner. Not allowed to communicate with anyone outside the family. Haveing to act like a riny adult and help take care of other family members. But was jever allowed to be included in any adult conversation and was told that im the child and they are the adult sominhavd to do what they say not the other way around. Then when i was 15 my dad died and it apsolutely destroyed me, im almost 30 and i honestly can't believe its been almost 15 years since he past. I honestly feel like not a day has gone by cuz i still feel like that lost, unloved, helpless, terrified, depressed, angry kid i was 15-20 years ago amd that nothing in my life has changed even tho i can physically see that it has. I cant let go of my past and it atill haunts me to this day. Ive never had anyone to talk to about any of this. Ive been keeping everything bottled up for 30 years and im starting to feel like im loseing my mimd amd going mentally insane. Ive had to perminitly quit working for the last few months cuz im so mentally unstable that i cant hold down a job longer then 3 days. My entire life is falling apart. I just became homeless ciz i was unable to pay my rent, i havent been able to eat cuz i dont have money. I have nowhere to go amd no where to turn to. Im completely lost mentally and in life amd i dont know what to do. Im honestly at the point were i dont think i can continue like this. I just wanna end it all and be done with this life and be with my parents in heaven. I know they abused me my entire life but they were still my parents and i still love and miss them. My mom ened up dieing from her medical complacations back in December of 2020. I dont know how but somehow my parents died exactly 10 years apart. Dad died December 11th 2010 at 11:50pm amd mom died December 11, 2020 at 11:50pm. Dad was born jume 5, 1945 and mom was born july 7, 1958. Born 13 years apart and died 10 years apart. My dad was the bravest, strongest man i ever knew. He fought in the Vietnam war back in the day. I use to think it was so cool that my dad actually fought on a battlefield in a war that i read about in history books in school. Amd the saddest part of all of this was they adoped me, they wanted me, they saved me from another sister of my koms who had 10-15 kids in her life but was never allowed to keep one in her custody longer then 4 months old cuz she would physically abuse them so bad they ened up in the hospital on the verge of death. They saved me from one badly abusive home, only to continue to abuse and neglet me. Yah inwas given an education and was fed and was given clothes and had a roof over my head......but i could have done without all the hitting amd yelling and fighting and screaming and forcing me to do chores that i child shouldnt be doing amd forcing me to help take care of her and forcing me not to communicate with anyone outside the family....i just wanted to spend time with my mom and tonhave her love me. I tried everything in my power to help her and to make her proud of me so she would love me...but i never once got a thank you from her for all the help i gave her. And when i wanted to go to the park or ride bikes or play in the yard or go on a picnic or take a walk or do arts and crats with her or show her a new song I loved or a dance i liked or a kovie i enjoyed...she just never wanted to or had time for me cuz of her disabilities. Why would they adopt me out of an abusive home just to treat me like this?? If she knew she was so disabiled then why adopt a child who is gonne grow up and want your love and attention and you cant physically give them the love and care they need cuz your makeing them care for you instead?? Why was i never allowed to communicate with anyone outside the family?? Why wasnt i allowed to make friends?? Why wasnt i allowed to have my own life?? Why didni have to conform to the rules of my family?? Why did they never allowe me to make any decisions for myself?? Why did they have to die and leave me alone?? Ive been completely lost inside without them telling me what to do and how to live my life. I feel so conflicted and confused and i have so many intense emotions and half of them are confusing hlad i dont understand and its all just very overwhelming and indont know how to deal with all of this. I need answers to these questions but the only people who can answer them are dead. I hate my parents for how i was raised and im so angry and pisedd off beyond belief and i just wanna yell and scream. But at the same time i miss them so god damn much that my heart physically hurts.....i just 😢😢😢 i just dont know how to handle all of this 😭😭😭its all very overwhelming and its all jumbled up together and im feeling mixed confusing emotions that i dont onow what to do with. I just know i cant live feeling like this much longer😭😭😭 im so emotional exhausted and burnt out and frustrated and upset and lonely and depressed and.... honestly i just need help... desperately 😭😭😭😭

[@c_j_01]

Please reach out and get help and support if you can. I feel your story thank you for sharing ❤

[@usualsuspects42]

@alicemarshall1827 I'm not a therapist, and I hope this is ok, but I feel compelled to say to you that you must parent yourself. Take care of yourself. Try to spend as little time in the past as possible. You can't figure it out. You're going to drive yourself insane trying to think about it. All your parents had problems, you did not get what you needed. That's the fact. You idealize them and miss them because they were all you had. Don't let yourself stay in this head space. Parent yourself. Love yourself. Hug yourself, look at your face in a mirror and say aloud "I love your sweet face". Do not allow yourself to be homeless, get a job and stick with it, or switch jobs but work - get a 401K, a Roth IRA, save money for your old age, give yourself the challenge of trying to actually be successful, pull yourself up - that's parenting yourself. Do it even when, especially when you feel like sh**. Do not allow your childhood neglect to ruin you. You are worth so much, you have yourself, be there for yourself. I hope you try. Do things that make you be in the present - only look ahead, catch yourself thinking about the past, say, no, we're not going to do that. Look to your own life, your own future. I think it's the only way. You can't allow your past to ruin your present, your future. You're still in your 20's. That's a great place to be. Brain storm what you can do. Sending you a huge hug and huge hopes.

[@marinakiell1069]

Hey Kati, can u timestamp/chapterize your questions in these AKAs plz I’m going to listen to your book “Are u ok” this year These videos are Appointment Video time 😁 I’m waiting to see what the oldest age an inner child has to/can be.

[@noeltimberlake165]

TW: How I do grieve my former self after having children?

[@jclyntoledo]

That's a tough one, I can not answer as not in that situation myself. Are you going through post partum or are a young parent? I think you may need to find a therapist for that one.

[@Chic.Geek75]

I gave up life. Married but feel a single mother to autism adult son. I feel more of a caretaker and roommate. I grief the life I should have had, the children I wanted but never had because my husband withhold sex. Financially tide and the sole caretaker of my son and finally went back to school. People think by being home and be taking care of and have a big house is it! But I am not materialistic and this is not what I sign out for. My husband is my extra emotional child, manchild

[@jclyntoledo]

That's terrible, have you thought of couple therapy or are you done working on your marriage and want a divorce?

[@heatherwall9571]

I regret divorcing my husband. Still grieving that loss.

[@paulmfti]

do you find that the tempo of your dialogue helps pull people out of a depressive state? I am curious if you are just high energy or if that might be a strategy of yours? ..I really get a lot of value from your insights....thank you...makes sense why you would have so many subs +1...thanks

[@Machine-Rat]

Hi kati i have a question i was hoping you could shed some light on. I dont feel like i belong to my family, i feel like im a stranger this thought and feeling process has been going on for many years. Back in 2020 i was signed off work due to illness and disability. I have had alot of time to my own thought process. I have read so many self help books but nothing seems to answer my question. I just do not feel like i belong or i love them or i even want to go and visit. And i feel an overwhelming calm sensation like im at peace with myself and it does not affect me. Is any of this normal?

[@DeannaTroyTravels]

What if you want to read your journals back? Sometimes I'm just too curious, but then I realize things were worse than I remembered 😅