Love is...produced, insecure, and completely unhinged | Khadija Mbowe

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Check out the Flawnt Merch for your own You can always change your mind tote 🥰 letsflawnt.com/

[@quietcell]

Website looks super cute

[@karabelomaghalemela9576]

Is the giveaway open to international subs too?

[@tesssavanessa2312]

I think I want to marry just for security reasons. Like leaving me with his kids for example would be harder because for some reason the state has this idea that protecting a family is important. That I think has to do with the upholding of the patriarchy and I myself am probably complicit in holding that up by getting married and following these rules, but I don’t see many ways around that happening when I want a secure and protected feeling if I bring kids into this world (and I want them really bad!!) ….so yeah I’m locked up!!

[@dudeeveryone391]

Being married provides legal protections you cannot (easily) get in a domestic partnership. If you sacrifice career options in order to support a partner and then break up, you are left broke without any recourse. If the couple is married and separates, things like alimony protect vulnerable parties and prevent them from being used and left without any ability to take care of themselves. Additionally it allows you to have the legal right to be there for your partner during emergencies and make medical decisions on their behalf that otherwise only their parents would be allowed to. I’ve heard too many stories about queer couples with homophobic families being kicked out of hospitals and major decisions such as taking their partner off life support being made while they have absolutely no power or say. And even more stories of queer people being kicked out of a house that wasn’t in their name and left with nothing after their partner dies because the family takes over. There’s so many reasons far beyond being able to call someone your husband or your wife that the community fought tooth and nail for the legal right to marry for.

[@TheDawnofVanlife]

Yup!!! This is actually MORE why I supported gay marriage. There are a bunch of ways to get around these issues, but you almost have to attack each hoop individually to be sure your partner has the rights quickly afforded by a simple marriage certificate. People would preach “love is love” as a reason for marriage equality and I was like ‘nah’. Queer people have been doing ceremony for the sake of ceremony forever, this is about the right to be legally seen and respected when it comes to an array of choices that can be stolen away when the law doesn’t see your union as legitimate. The family that kicked their kid on the street fir being gay should not have the right to the life that person then built up with their partner.

[@MechakittenX]

This is the exact reason I will marry. Only for the legal reasons. Nothing more lol.

[@elleofhearts8471]

those things are true and valid reasons for marriage in and of itself, but also, you can tell when someone is more interested in aesthetics/ attaining a specific social status and the benefits that social status grants, than they are about civil union to their current partner in specific. (their partner could be almost anyone as far as they're concerned, they're more interested in their own marital status and the social status of the person they're marrying than they are about the person their partner is or whether theyre good for each other to begin with) theyre less concerned about being protected legally and being able to protect their partner with the legal protections the marital status gives them, although marriage also performs those functions as well. Also, I think you can give power of attorney to literally any adult. You dont have to be married to your partner to give them power of attorney, you can have a living will or put your assets in a trust without having to be married. but these things are neither here nor there. they do take the services of a lawyer in order to execute and not everyone has access to the money needed to hire a lawyer while a marriage license is way cheaper way to get the same results and you can even pay for a marriage license in installments in some places.

[@melteddarkchocolate000]

@@MechakittenX literally

[@ArtichokeHunter]

I think these are great reasons to want to marry a specific partner rather than just live with them. But when people come onto a reality show like this, they're not trying to gain the advantages of marriage for their partnership; they're trying to "get married" without even knowing who the partner involved is, like they just want to be married no matter what. Maybe I'm projecting but I think that's what Khadija was talking about in not thinking people have interrogated why they want to get married, rather than not understanding what benefit marriage might have for committed couples.

[@PeggyKoneko]

I think the reason why Lauren and Cameron have lasted is because they both were very up front with everything that might be a problem, and tackled some fairly important stuff early on - race, culture, finances and financial assets, etc. I know the editors cut for time but the look of genuine surprise on some of the couple's faces blows my mind. What do you mean you didn't know she was in debt? Y'all getting married in 6 weeks and you didn't ask them about finances ONCE?

[@jackseve]

🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯 They talked about all the things NONE of the others discussed. On their season and all the seasons after.

[@sweedy3333]

I still believe the fan theory that they were plants to prove the "success" of the experiment

[@shine199723]

Amber and Barnett are also still together from season 1, I feel like everyone forgets about them lol

[@iwakeupandboomimarat]

exactly!! they talked ab shit that u should be talking about in a serious relationship, everyone else was just like wow i get such a good vibe from you andalsoimindebt

[@lusus999]

@@iwakeupandboomimarat 😭

[@ArtichokeHunter]

what's so weird to me is people who talk about wanting to ~get married~ rather than like... wanting to marry a specific person or even an imagined future person. "getting married" without the partner in there feels more like it's a societal checkbox, or else a strategy for financial stability or social acceptance. or maybe even just wanting to feel like they've "won" dating and will never have to do it again. but it's easier for me to be sympathetic to it when it's got the specifics of a partner, like that can be a desire rooted in the interpersonal relationship and not in an idea that it's important to be in a committed and socially recognized relationship no matter what.

[@jbtfp]

you’re so right! people talk about marriage more like it’s a life goal and i feel like it’s never about what marriage actually is, which to me is being legally bound to someone that you genuinely want to spend a long time with, rather it’s more like they just want to experience the romanticised culture around marriage and weddings. to me, it also feels a little dehumanising, because it seems more like you’re in love with the idea of love rather than the person itself. it’s like how some people speaking of wanting kids without actually considering the work parenthood entails and that you will genuinely affect a whole person’s life.

[@zc1312]

SAME!!! I have always thought that was weird and for the longest time I thought I was so weird for thinking that… just because sooooo many people say that they want “marriage” and the people who want different things probably don’t voluntarily speak up about this as much.

[@ArtichokeHunter]

@Dear Mystic I mean, I think that's fair if people are self-aware about what it is for them and what needs it might help them fulfill. I do worry sometimes that that can lead people to stay in relationships that aren't good for them, but at the end of the day they're adults and it's their call. I think it's the most dangerous when people don't think about it and just want to get married because of societal pressures, then get there and it doesn't do whatever they were looking for.

[@remysebald8893]

I'm autistic and finding new love with my first partner ever, after ages of not understanding what love was meant to be, and I LOVED your definition of love. My long distance boyfriend (also autistic) and I are so excited to discover and explore what our love is going to look and feel like over time. I don't want to skip ahead until our love looks like how it's 'supposed to', and I even feel enriched by missing him when we're physically apart. I like the all of it, even the discomforts. Sometimes I feel love so strongly it hurts me physically, and I'd always run from that before I committed to him. Idk what else to say but the way you describe love really resonates with me in a queer autistic way.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Omgg this was so beautiful to read 💕

[@didacienne3844]

Reading this felt like a hug :)

[@kerrysutra]

Celebrating both of you as you embark on this journey together!😍

[@fromplanetpink]

OMG Same💗

[@misty8265]

I’m so happy for you and your boyfriend. I wish you both lots of happiness. Reading this made my queer heart happy so thank you. 😊

[@ajmalaika1287]

I enjoy this show through Kennie JD. She's soo funny and does some great "character" analysis on the contestants. It always makes me sad to see couples like Colleen and Matt "celebrated" for being together at the end despite the clearly ominous vibe

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Right??? 👀

[@okayokayfineilldoit]

Yes same! And yeah oh my god right, she looked so upset at times sitting next to him at that reunion it was honestly concerning

[@EleiyaUmei]

I do this through the channel "Psychology in Seattle" and am learning a lot about the contestants' potential traumas, issues etc. But I liked Kennie's commentary as well!

[@Iudicatio]

Yes, Matt openly did emotional abuse on screen when he threatened to leave Colleen without being serious about it.

[@janefenning]

@@EleiyaUmei yasss dr Kirk Hondaaa

[@annaissodone]

"love is blind" also known as heterosexuality is indeed a prison

[@notaburneraccount]

I, a queer agender, average uggo person, signed up for the next one as a joke XD

[@YuGiHo]

They had a bisexual dude on the first season, but it did not end well for him.

[@---nobody---]

A true "are the straights okay?" moment.

[@sarebear7777]

Nah lol

[@Squiddit]

tbh i feel like most of the problems people perceive as problems with straight relationships are really just problems with neurotypical relationships. that's just my perspective as an autistic probably-queer person

[@bububangles]

When you quoted bell hooks, "why can't we ever say, 'I think I could know love with this person." I resonated so much with it. I keep her quote: How different things might be if, rather than saying "I think I'm in love," we were saying "I've connected with someone in a way that makes me think I'm on the way to knowing love." Or if instead of saying "I am in love" we say "I am loving" or "I will love." Our patterns around romantic love are unlikely to change if we do not change our language.” on my desktop. The idea of falling into love scares me. That whirl wind, out of my control intense emotion makes me so uncomfortable. Love to me is built and nurtured. As much as I love me a good reality TV show, it gives me anxiety about dating because I am not a "love at first sight" or "I just knew" person. Thank you for this video.

[@eggoraphobic]

yessss to this comment!! I’ve always loved that bell hooks quote. I agree, the way we often think about love as something sudden and immediate is unsettling. All of the great loves I’ve had in my life, both platonic and romantic, were things that grew over time.

[@jbtfp]

right! i can’t remember if khadija was the one who introduced this phrase to me, but with your comment, it makes me think of the phrase, “love is action.” a lot of people think they “fall out of love” because the “feeling” isn’t there anymore, especially in marriages and the initial passion fizzles out, when the fact of the matter is that both parties have to continuously commit to showing love, and not just expect love from your partner and wait for the feeling to come back. and i think phrasing the way we talk about love is extremely connected to that, because like you and khadija say, saying “falling in love” or “i am in love” implies love happening to you and something you can’t control when it absolutely is something you can control. saying “i could know love” also implies that there’s always more improvement to be had if both parties take the action to make it so, and it makes love more of a goal that both parties can work towards, rather than a state of being.

[@sprigganpanda]

That quote is exactly it! Everyone around me is oh I just knew or you get this feeling, but for me it's always been oh I'd be open to trying with this person or I could love them given time. That's not an option tho, apparently I have to know. I'd be open to try isn't an acceptable answer, I have to be in love first to try.

[@mglarson5936]

I also love this concept in a friendship way too! It takes the pressure off needing to be BEST FRIENDS with someone immediately after meeting them. Like, sometimes it takes time to develop feelings. I don’t know why that’s hard for people to recognize and it’s really frustrating!

[@gee159]

Married at First Sight is a massive show here in the UK and is somehow even more unhinged. It also presents itself as an “experiment” and follows the same kind of outline as Love Is Blind but without the pods!! people just get randomly paired up and then have to just like… get on with it? It really makes you think while you’re watching it about the meaning of marriage watching these strangers who probably wouldn’t give each other a second date trying to convince themselves they’re in love it’s so wild

[@FriendshipIsMagic1998]

Oh we have that here too lol. It’s just not as popular as Love Is Blind

[@CS-zb7hx]

I want to get married (though i'm queer so i've probably had to think through it more than most cishet people) because unfortunately that piece of paper holds a lot of power. I want to be legally allowed in their room in the hospital, I don't want to have to jump through loopholes to be a decision maker if something awful were to happen (or reverse, them for me), I want us both to have legal financial protections in the case of any sort of worst case scenario, etc etc. To me it's about stability and security. My choice to get married has nothing inherently to do with love, other than a way to form a legal web of protection between myself and the person I love. It doesn't make our love more real, or more valid, or in any way more important. It's just a way to use the tools of the system for safety.

[@misty8265]

I really appreciate you taking the time to share your perspective. It helps me understand my own desires and hesitations towards one day getting married.

[@CS-zb7hx]

@@misty8265 It's such a difficult topic to navigate and I'm really glad I helped at all!

[@misty8265]

@@CS-zb7hx it really is and I’m glad you did, too! 😊

[@norahc3694]

ah this helped me a lot!!

[@KatRoberta]

Every time I watch Love is Blind, I think,"Are the heteros okay???" But watching it is pure Schadenfreude. Also, can we please get that Lydia purring ASMR?🥺❤️

[@inolofatsenglekaba5026]

I remember seeing a tweet along the lines "I don't want to get married because what if I get home and cry to bed and there's some guy there?" and I legit felt that, I love being by myself way too much to live with another humxn, let alone marry them and reproduce

[@margicates553]

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 My friends got married and live in separate apartments next door to each other. My friend refuses to share a kitchen. I think it’s a great idea.

[@melodyreyneofficial]

Some guy 😂😂😂😂😂

[@camillefaith2005]

Honestly this is so funny. 😆

[@Bluehearte07]

And reproduce 😂 😂

[@mmmmmmmmaria]

@@margicates553 this is literally my lifelong dream. my absolute ideal scenario would be living next door to my partner. i like and care about my space and how it looks and how it's organized too much to share it like that

[@OffOnATangent180]

I really resonated bell hooks's idea of being able to know love with someone. I have this problem of panicking about things b/c the idea that I can't be sure of something is so scary to me. I used to really regularly panic that I wasn't sure I loved my partner. "But how can I KNOW? How can I be SURE that this is love? How can I KNOW what love is and if I'm feeling it?" And there just isn't something like that. It's nebulous and different for everyone, also like you said. But if I ask myself, "well can I know love with this person?" the answer is always "YES." I think I can know love, feel love, with my partner even if I can't define it exactly.

[@Dolphinhi2]

I feel the same thing as you! I think it's my anxiety lmao

[@andchimeras]

"It was two people who remained together, day after day, bound not by sex or physical attraction or money or children or property, but only by the shared agreement to keep going, the mutual dedication to a union that could never be codified." (Hana Yanagihara) That's what marriage is to me. I'm not monogamous, but that's the partnership I want a ring with. (In the original material, the quote is defining a friendship, but idk. It says what I want to say when I try to explain "why marriage" for myself.)

[@goldenxkenny]

I just wanna say my initial reaction to watching the first episodes I did not like SK I instantly got fuck boy vibes and i expressed it to my bf. THEN after all of his ACTING my man was like aww look he's a nice guy. Even then I was like okay maybe ur right HOWEVER why does he keep telling Raven EVERYTHING she wants to hear instead of being honest about his family's views on tradition etc. MY INSTINCTS WERE RIGHT. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS LADIES.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

I’m hearing more things and now I’m like “damn”

[@imanigordon6803]

I mean did they break up?

[@Ashy_Lemon]

@@imanigordon6803 they’re still together. He’s all over her tik tok so 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@57andstillkicking]

@@imanigordon6803 Yes

[@22dolxxxphin22]

@@imanigordon6803 she deleted all pics with him, so something happened

[@Stephanie-le4dy]

Khadija's emphatic hand movements as Kerry's speaking straight facts are killing me XD

[@kerrysutra]

Khadija always lets me know when something I say resonates!😍

[@13realmusic]

SK being the outed serial cheater is the most chaotic part

[@mangomarinara]

I’ve been in a 7 year relationship (best friends for 3 years before being in a romanticrelationship) and we have never argued or dissected out about our relationship expectations but we communicate so constantly and thoroughly and understand eachother I genuinely don’t think it’s required for us. It’s just always been that way. I think that we’re just so consistently open with eachother it prevents the need for sit down discussions? It’s so crazy how different relationships are and what they need to grow??

[@ArtichokeHunter]

The "love is blind" premise would kinda be more interesting to me if they didn't have a cast of entirely people who are societally considered attractive. Sure, people have different types and are more or less attracted to some people than others, but on this show when you're talking to someone in the pods you can assume they're attractive in some conventional way. I wouldn't want societally unattractive people to have to go through the abuse that would undoubtably come from putting them on a reality dating show, but I also want the ugly rep and the premise would we way more interesting if you actually had decent odds of being paired with someone outside conventional beauty standards.

[@jackseve]

Ok, sooooooo….that may have been season one. Buuuuuuut, the seasons after mmmmh, something wrong with your vision? Keep in mind that EVEN season one had many who were not considered the most attractive but they didn’t make matches for whatever reasons. AND there were matches that didn’t make the cut and didn’t last. So please stop being myopic. You chose not to see these things.

[@ArtichokeHunter]

@@jackseve i literally just watched this video. i have no idea what you're talking about, i haven't watched any episodes or seasons of love in blind. if they had ugly people on in later seasons that just weren't in this vid, great.

[@AJ-cq5pw]

THANK YOU! I said this way back when the show first came out and people said, "well they probably didn't want to trick people" like what? So if the person isn't conventionally hot, it's tricking but if they are hot it's fine? I don't get it. The show is called Love is Blind and if they want to prove that Love Is Blind, bring on people who aren't all able-bodied and conventionally attractive. It's just a show about hot people liking other hot people.

[@AJ-cq5pw]

@@jackseve All of the people from season one were thin and able-bodied. Whether or not you personally found them attractive is subjective. They fit into conventional beauty standards is what OP was talking about.

[@andra9601]

Yea it seems like the creators of the show did not get the memo about what “love is blind” is supposed to mean - isn’t it supposed to be an experiment that aims to discover what type of people can fall in love with what type of people ?? It’s not supposed to be about seeing what type of able bodied and very attractive people fall in love with what type of able bodied very attractive people.

[@cronchyskull]

Once a friend of mine, feeling pretty lonely because they and their s.o. of many years had broken up, fooled around on a dating app and ended up doing some things they didn't really want to because the other person had pressured them (this was deep pandemic so this was all online). We were making sure they were okay, saying we'd been there, there was nothing to be ashamed of, that match was a scummy s.o.b etc. But I remember the next thing they said was "I felt like I had to do it because for all I know they could be *the one*. What if I never find the one and I'm destined to be alone forever?" That made me so sad? In asking what they meant they said that they believed in soulmates, and that everyone out there had one true partner who was like a guardian angel to them. And I was like: "the most healthy thing you can do is accept that there probably is no "one". Even if you have a near oerfect relationship with a partner, it's a lot of pressure to put on them and yourself, and you're setting yourself up for failure! Only one person will ever have the potential to be that to you, and that IS you. And even then, you will fail at times." Look for love, but not for THAT from love. Be with people because you want to be with them, not out of feeling incomplete. This was very long and rambling but, editing is for cOWARDS! (Jk, you take care y'all) But yeah. That's what I think, anyway 😅

[@aberrantcow]

The way I went to fast forward through the sponsor and froze when Khadija said “DONT SKIP-“😭👏

[@yennefer440]

I always skip. I'm not interested in buying anything besides these sponsors usually sell terrible stuff

[@wompwomp9946]

i feel like i'm finally STARTING to think about what love means to me and i'm almost 40. grew up heavily influenced by media and those around me to the point where i...forced myself to function as heterosexual even though i'm completely aroace, always have been. honestly it's been hard and there's actually been a sort-of grieving process to go through. i've wasted so much time but at least i can live more true to myself starting now. i really appreciate channels like these that put into words what i needed and need to hear to live a balanced and authentic life for myself

[@queerlybelovdd]

opening myself up to different ideas of love and the conversations around it have made it seem less terrifying overall. it's so freeing to know that i don't have to try to obtain something i know doesn't fit me. instead i can look for the love that does and honor it in whatever forms it takes. especially accepting that it means something to me even if it doesn't stick around.

[@plutonian_accountant]

It's not cheesy to be excited to see how love changes and grows because everything else in our lives does the same. I want to share a love where I can feel secure, safe, and free of as much fear as possible to allow our love to evolve.

[@Xara_K1]

I've always been terrified of partnering with anyone and even exited stage left for almost a decade until I met someone I really felt was worth it, but I am so thankful I was so busy working and trying to get my life right that I never paid attention to any of these shows because they make relationships and seeking partnership an absolute horror show. I was already terrified; these shows would've had me completely withdraw. And I know they deliberately take on the worst for entertainment. And I didn't even have a traumatic upbringing; my parents were together, my father died and my mom got with my stepdad, who loved us and was a psychiatrist who prized therapy. But I also saw what was happening with my aunts, uncles, sisters, cousins and community and that was pure terror.

[@finallyforfeited]

God imagine being a teenager growing up and consuming this type of content. Do not envy that

[@jbtfp]

i’ve never related to anyone’s fear harder. couple that with crises about my sexuality, i don’t know if i’ll ever come to a day where i’m satisfied with my love life, or just get turned off love completely and stay single for the rest of my life.

[@fridaherbst719]

I'm 20 right now, so I guess one could say that I kinda grew up with all of these netflix reality show, at least definitely in my late teens. I never questioned how they could have influenced my fear of relationships. I'm honestly terrified of being vulnerable. And of course media influences people but I just never considered myself influenced (as it usually goes). Not that I'm blaiming reality TV fully, but hey, always good to discover new sources for these issues. Honestly, thanks for bringing it up :)

[@91Vault]

Your quote about “having only what the person has told you and what you’ve filled in” is why i’ve never understood people who let an online connection remain online for weeks or months on end. I don’t believe you can really know somone untill you’ve met them IRL. That’s why IMO it’s better to meet sooner rather than later so you haven’t constructed a fake version of them by the time you do meet

[@prussia92800]

I said it from day 1, SK was giving me "I only date light-skinned or non Black women" vibes. In the first scene of the first episode, when asked why he was interested in the LIB format, he literally said "Race is something you can't hide on dating apps and it filters away people who have certain dating requirements." I highly doubt these are black women who are "filtering him away" when they see he's black. So yeah, as soon as I heard that, I decided he's trash. Still didn't see the rest of his story with Raven coming though! Raven seemed too set in her ways (ex asking him to pay half her rent) while he was going along with "loving Raven the Raven way." He had us all fooled! She turned out to be the one making all sorts of concessions for his culture and family, and he held it against her that _her_ family wasn't around, something she can't control. I hope she finds someone better!

[@catflon2388]

I, too, found it interesting he said that. The other men talked about character, morals, shared values etc... but he went straight for the race🤣🤣. I automatically left him in the stereotypical schematic box I built for men like him (in my head)...

[@mirabanxx9218]

Raven deserves better. Indeed she in a hard shell to crack, but she was so quirky and funny underneath it all. It irritated me to no end SK held the family part against her. As if she could drag her grown family there smh

[@thisasiankidistrashfordram374]

I agree. Sadly, another YTuber I'm a fan of, Kennie JD, & her other followers (many of whom are black women) could NOT stop singing SK's Praises in her 1st video about Love Is Blind. Granted, Kennie IS on the younger side(26) & so are her followers, like me. As a black woman, she's a bit on the lighter side in terms of skin tone. I don't think she heard SK's line about dating apps, or she didn't read between the lines. I am not a Black woman myself (S.E. Asian) but I'm Very Wary of people who do not find their own race attractive or who make up lots of conditions before agreeing to date people of their own race. So I'm personally Not surprised with any of this sh!t about him. Even if I've never seen the show, from the way others talk about SK, he was waay Too Good to be true. Having said that, I really hope its not all an act on his part, because he really did seem like an awesome person. Thankfully, Kennie didn't hate on Raven & was more understanding of her, unlike other viewers of the show. Apparently, many viewers gave Raven shit, partly because SK appeared so "kind", "understanding" & "wonderful" (till later). Jeez, Raven truly deserves much better than him as a partner & from other people in general.

[@nemicouture]

I found it strange that he mentioned that also…

[@marlajoywood]

I will preface this by saying I’m not a fan of Cole. If we’re being fair, he didn’t call Colleen “shallow.” She called herself shallow, he agreed that they might not be on the same page, and then she went back to the women and said he called her shallow which wasn’t an accurate representation of what happened (that we saw).

[@sarikaschmidt7324]

He was being so weird the whole time. I was so happy that he didn't get married to the poor girl (not Colleen)

[@BryonyClaire]

With Kennie JD covering the show and your dissection of it, I'm just so grateful as it means I don't have to watch it! It's such a weird premise in these and I'm so glad you brought that coach in, too. Gamifying "love" without an understanding of exactly what it is "love" is to the individual is a recipe for disaster, but that's why it makes for a great show, right? I more worry about the participants mental well-being after shows like this, and their future with dating because the edit can really change how a person appears to be

[@liliaaguirre8476]

Honestly, I've always liked the idea of getting married and having children because I genuinely see it as a very lovely thing, and I love the idea of having a family and caring for people even if it's not easy. But the wedding part is where I am debating whether or not it's worth it cause the ONLY reason I want one, is because it looks fun. The beautiful venue, the food, having the family together, that all seems lovely to me, but it's so expensive and my guest list would literally just be like 7 people😂. So that is why I like watching relationship critical videos, because i don't think I will ever change my mind on wanting a partner, but I do want to rethink the way I view relationships, marriages and even parenthood and the expectations from them.

[@TheJuliana0901]

i think it being fun is one of the better and healthier reasons to have a wedding haha apart from the venue (which you could do in like a beach or a park!) i don't think it has to be expensive! i think small weddings are the best and most heartfelt personally anyways. i would consider the legal ramifications of being married to someone on paper tho, it's not something ppl think a lot about and it changes your whole life & rights. you might like to check out leena norms' video on marriage, shes v thoughtful!

[@liliaaguirre8476]

@@TheJuliana0901 Oh okay! Thanks!

[@alishastokes3990]

@@TheJuliana0901 Leena norms woo!!

[@bluemouse_draws3694]

As someone who is currently planning a wedding, well said. Cant wait for my night o' fun with my most favorite person in the world! ❤❤

[@CP-gk4ri]

It doesn't have to be a stressful event abiding my societal norms, my mom always said "they are two moments in a life when all your friends and loved ones will make the trip and be there : your wedding and your funeral. At least you get to enjoy one of them". As someone who likes the idea of marriage due to the idea of partnership and commitment, that idea of a simple party with people you care for sounds great

[@justinrivera1618]

I love watching this show as someone who can’t see and laughing at the fact that if you take away appearance, all of y’all are just like us

[@chelseashurmantine8153]

I love this. It’s like love is about appearances a lot of the time. How our relationship looks to others. How my partner looks to others. How I look to my partner’s others. Appearances. How our wedding would look versus the wedding we just went to, etc etc

[@haleykeck7430]

Honestly, I am so thankful I took a Philosophy of Love and Sex class in college my freshman year, it really gave me perspective on expectations for partners and myself in relationships. I was already in a long-term relationship when I took that class and I was having all these issues on my end, and that class really opened my eyes and showed me it was honestly my fault because I had all of these unrealistic expectations for partners, I expected my partners to read my mind and know exactly what I needed or wanted by how I acted. I was only 19 when I took that class and it's really changed how I view relationships with most all people, not just people I'm interested in romantically. I love your channel so much, I really related to everything you were saying, and I could not think of a better word to describe Love is Blind, it is totally dystopian in feel lmao

[@prussia92800]

One thing that doesn't get mentioned enough is how the people who _are_ attracted to their match end up staying in the relationship even though it's clearly not working. And yet, they blame their partner for hesitating when the physical connection isn't there. For instance, Zanab kept fawning over Cole's blue eyes and boyish looks, while Nancy was saying she was thankful to be with Bartise once she saw the other guys. Is that blind love? If their match had been a short, chubby, balding dude, or simply someone they didn't find attractive, would they have put up with all the toxic and inconsiderate comments? I highly doubt it! They're just as superficial, which is why they were so patient. They were just unlucky that their partner wasn't as attracted to them. Pretty hypocritical that they blame Cole and Bartise for not going along with the experiment when looks clearly matter to them too!

[@chocolateprincess2656]

Looks matter to everyone this shouldn't be a shocker

[@ayanomar1408]

it was all dandy until the men rejected them, I bet they didnt expect to be on the other side of that

[@yulana990]

@@ayanomar1408 This is not the time to act like an incel. This had nothing to do with being rejected, and everything to do with being openly treated HORRIBLY and repeatedly being told you are unattractive. Either reject someone respectfully and leave, or give them a chance. This aint no "see how men feel boohoo!" time, the issue here is how not to be an asshole. These girls in the show didn't just get rejected. They got belittled, made fun off, repeatedly told they look bad, and not treated as a worthy human being. Anyone who does that regardless of gender, unwarranted, is an ass. Edit : Forgot to add that Cole literally called Zanab "Bipolar". Which isn't just a disgusting childish thing to say, but also ignorant and makes fun of a real mental disorder. Let's not act like this is just about rejection and not about being a horrible human being. But also, lets not go "incel nice guy" Mode and act as if women reject men for no reasons. Everyone has a reason, and just not being attracted is reason enough. Either way, nobody owes you anything, especially when 1 in 3 women get assaulted and "alpha" males who literally say women are nothing but baby makers and should have 0 rights, are rising in popularity. Oh and don't forget women still get legally raped by their partners in countries like India, aren't allowed to have abortions in plenty places, and arent even allowed to work, go to school or even go outside without a man present in Afganistan rn cause of the Taliban. And the millions of child marriages and human trafficking which is majority young girls and women. If your biggest issue in the world as a man is being rejected by a woman on tindr, then you are as priviliged as they come.

[@Gabster1990]

Some people also put up with more because they have low self esteem.

[@prussia92800]

That's the point! But Nancy kept getting angry at Bartise for having a type rather than "going along with the experiment." Don't get me wrong, Bartise was insensitive with how he expressed himself, but these women were valuing looks while blaming their counterpart for doing the same

[@berryzem]

I think a lot of it has to do with age regarding the question about marriage. I grew up in a really religious household and it wasn't until my late 20s that I really began to question "Do I want to get married?" Because watching so many other people be so happy on their wedding days when I was younger made me just...want that happiness. If it meant getting married, yeah, I'd do it. I wanted kids. Marriage was a prerequisite, so yeah. I'd do it. Now? Lots of the people I witnessed get married either divorced or have unhappy marriages and now I'm like...maybe I just want to throw a big party for myself one day and wear a big poofy dress. Maybe I'll do it for a Birthday milestone or something lol.

[@jbtfp]

omg PLEASE throw yourself that big party! honestly just like you said, the only draw of marriage to me is the wedding, because who doesn’t want to have a big party that’s all about you and your partner? you get to be selfish and make it all about you for one day. (or even multiple days, if you count the planning. you get to be even more selfish than on a birthday because birthdays come every year.) but besides that and legal benefits, there’s nothing about marriage life that appeals to me.

[@debbieparnell7582]

Yes! The birthday plan sounds great. I'd want the depth of a relationship that would be willing to get married (I'm on the asexual spectrum with too deep insecurities so it won't happen!) but I wouldn't want that depth to be publicly witnessed. I also don't want a boring uncomfortable white dress and diamond (they are the most boring of gemstones), being forced to wear lifelong jewellery or be accused of cheating (which is costly and I'd probably lose), an event that costs much money (the cheaper the better), a loss of my identity by sacrificing my surname for misogyny to win out, the idea that my dad owns me or a husband does and kissing is something I found too gross to even experience a full once so I certainly won't be performing one publicly. Eloping with a good 'don't be weirdly obsessed with/make any mention of my private relationship, treat it like a double birthday party' after would be ideal. Yeah actually just realising I would die of embarrassment at being congratulated alone.

[@draig2614]

Khadija’s channel: come for the intellectually stimulating content; stay for the 5 minutes of kitten purring at the end 😻

[@inolofatsenglekaba5026]

I have BPD and because of how intensely it flares up in intimate relationships, I've low-key taken a lifetime vow of celibacy. I deadass don't have the psyche for hetero normative relationship standards

[@inolofatsenglekaba5026]

Also most humxns I've been with lacked so much compassion for my 'illness' that I've lost hope of finding someone who would be willing to work through the tough times. I'm beginning to be okay with the prospect of growing old unspoused, I'll live a peaceful, self-compassionate life

[@not_them]

"I think i could know love with this person" i might adopt this, it just makes a lot of sense

[@BrendanMusik]

This most recent season more than any other really impressed upon me how this show is a huge marketing campaign for the marriage complex and industry. Between the dressing shopping, the love bombing and the constant discussion you can’t help but to start to feel the marriage complex whispering in your ear

[@RedundantHuman-CandyBites]

When you said it feels like a show a character in “Black Mirror” would be watching, that hit. Damn, that is so true and really nailed the feelings I have when watching this show.🙈

[@helkiesdust3812]

I've found exploring polyamory opened all the doors of romance to me and completely changed the way I look at love, and I think it has a lot to do with taking away that expectation of having to pick one person and commit to them forever. It lets me love more freely and have the best relationships I possibly can with people who give me so much gratification and joy in different unique ways.

[@riversome9066]

One issue with marriage I’ve had is the that the economy has been set up in a way that it almost feel like having an anchor on not being married

[@justhearmeout3959]

I'd like to gently push back on this. I think what we call love is actually more like extreme compatibility between two people. And when two people who are extremely compatible get together, it's secure and, more importantly, safe. I'm not referring to "meeting THE ONE" because with 8 billion people on the world, each one of us is probably extremely compatible with at least a million people. What we call love is possible and wonderful if it happens, BUT not everyone wants it, and I'd bet for those who don't, it seems crazy that some do, and for those who do, it seems crazy that some don't. I guess my point is, it's possible for someone who wants or has experienced what we call love to empathize with someone who doesn't and vice versa. I just wish we could each see each other's point of view rather than trying to prove one or the other wrong. ETA: I agree with you on so many points, but particularly when you talked about interrogating WHY you (whoever you might be reading) want to marry, if it's a true desire or just something that's so normalized you might think it's what you want. I also feel like maybe we agree, just a bit, on what love is and why it cannot be discovered in the span of a week or a few weeks. Trust HAS to come before love in most situations. I wish our society encouraged moving slow, not just regarding marriage, in relationships in general. And pickiness, which is often frowned upon. I hope anyone reading this finds their person. It's a beautiful feeling when you do, whether that person is a friend, a romantic partner, or something else that doesn't need a name ❤️

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Check the full video as I define love (my personal definition) towards the end

[@justhearmeout3959]

@@KhadijaMbowe I will, I wanted to wait until I had a chance to devote my full attention to it, I always learn so much from you 🥰

[@homhom_28]

I really liked your comment and, this might seem weird, but I appreciate you

[@justhearmeout3959]

@@homhom_28 thank you 🥰 you made my day!

[@Meandsushiroll]

I don't think they would disagree with that statement. They were talking about not understanding the desire for marriage, not love or partnership

[@epicalduck]

I once read that true love is intertwined with duty and responsibility, that love without these things is nothing more than a hallmark card sentiment. It was a long time ago, and the more I live the more I find this to be completely correct. I feel that we are taught by a lot of romcoms and other media, that this spark, the whirlwind of feelings is all there is to love, but it is wrong. Love is not sweet and soft, it is pure steel and blood and bone and viscera, its something that you grow, build and cherish. I find myself pleasantly surprised to hear you talk about it. So thank you. I will go and get my hands on "All about love", as I feel that it would really add to my worldview.

[@sophiaisabelle027]

Somehow we appreciate Khadija for being consistently open and transparent with us in terms of voicing out her thoughts, opinions and insights. May God bless her always.

[@elliel.5915]

Khadija's pronouns are they/them, just letting you know

[@starchilde8698]

@@elliel.5915 ^

[@joelwest6507]

I dont even watch this show, but always enjoy your insights! When my wife and I started dating, we both wanted to take things slow (but also take things seriously) due to past experiences. The line she used when she told me she had feelings for me - which we laugh about a lot sometimes - was "I sense the potential for a romantic connection". As much as I might tease her good-naturedly for that line, I've always told her how much I respected her for saying it like that, and you talking about "thinking you could know love with this person" resonated with me a lot. Thanks as always for your videos!

[@zzzleeepy]

ur love ethic is beautiful im like tearing up

[@PokhrajRoy.]

We don’t have enough Aroace and Unconventional Forms of Relationships to learn from. It’s either sanitised and quirky or just a punchline of a joke.

[@anomienormie8126]

It’s not representation I’m concerned about, I just want my platonic triad to be legally recognised as a family.

[@emilysmith6897]

I was just waiting for Khadija to start singing "What is love? Baby don't hurt me.." each time she asked "what is love?" lol

[@kate2late91]

Loving reality tv is also my toxic trait! We have this show in Australia called Married at First Sight and it's so fascinating but also trashy and probably unethical

[@gee159]

Omg married at first sight is SO MUCH MORE dystopian because they don’t even have the pods they’re strangers!! It’s a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine. also the Australian one is so much more entertaining than our version in the UK lol

[@diisfloating3512]

Body shaming, gaslighting, liés, psychologicals violences, toxic relationships standard, verbals abuses.... You wonder what happen to our génération.

[@CyberStockholmSyndrome]

It’s not a generational thing. It just feels like it because there’s less of a stigma when it comes to speaking about it, now.

[@olivejuice1424]

Um our generation didn't invent these things?

[@diisfloating3512]

@@CyberStockholmSyndrome yes of course, but some issues are ... like the performative side of it all, through the caméras of ours phones...etc.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

I spent my formative years watching the bad girls club so I have my answers…

[@julesmallow]

I think it's really important to remember, though, that this show isn't a good representation of our generation at all. I think it's important to have an idea of scale, most people would never apply to this show. It can be easy to feel like the whole world is insane from what you see online, but for example, only about 0.5 percent of the US is on Twitter

[@Himaryous]

One key problem with Love Is Blind is -- what's such a big deal about falling for someone you've never seen when you know that person is going to be hot by everyday standards? It's true the couples aren't always attracted to one another but none of them can say they ended up with someone that's not conventionally attractive. Any contestant who has seen the show knows that.

[@arielkashaceli8660]

Dear Lord, please do a part two all about trauma bonding and the reunion show narcissism gaslighting and potential of physical and verbal abuse that was happening between some of the couples. The way that this show was just allowed to air without any follow up of real trauma being created on TV was shocking to me

[@haley9815]

The way you choose to articulate your thoughts and feelings across your videos is so beautiful and deserves to be celebrated. Thank you for sharing and I hope you have the loveliest day! I love hearing you talk : )

[@havilynwakuche]

35:37 I didn’t watch the show but the way she articulated why she didn’t want him is how I hope to communicate and advocate for myself one day

[@xylypotatohead3947]

Lydia's purrs are so cute. She is so cute. And she has grown so much omg. They grow up so fast.

[@emorykj3158]

The bit you were saying about love being a space of no judgement, and checking yourself when you start to judge your partner, is so real for me. There's also the reverse to consider too -- relationships where you idolize the person too much (or they idolize you), and one partner ends up feeling the need to live up to a standard that's just too flawless to be sustainable. In past relationships where I've been idolized, I've felt myself growing very resentful of having to maintain an image all the time, and even though my friend/partner never stopped loving me or never judged me, I'd have to sabotage everything or call it all off because that was easier than letting go of the ideal perception of myself. This is a really good video! I think anyone can talk about how crazy a dating reality show can be, while very few can make it into as moving and emotional a conversation about human connection as this is.

[@sol-ui9lb]

I really love your definition of love.. also your videos are always super thought provoking, thank you for the wonderful content

[@sydnij.7769]

i genuinely don’t understand how u are so slept on

[@r.l.7319]

My reasons for wanting to be married: I want us to have rights over each others medical files and be involved in important decisions if the other is incapable. For us being partners with chronic illness this is especially important. Also, when having kids one of us will have to make sacrifices in their career. If we split up it is only fair that the one with more money still has to financially support the other, who invested more time into childcare. We see our partnership kind of as a promise to work together towards both our individual and shared goals, and not shy away from the hard times we might encounter. It will feel good to have a "official" way of declaring that. And we just really love each other and want to throw a big party for both of our families and friends. :D

[@jessjmyer]

I love how you turned a video about responding to a reality dating show into legitimately great relationship/life advice. I love you getting Socratic about this ❤️

[@padfoot2116]

I want real love is blind. Everyone is pan or bi, voices are somewhat changed, and you can’t ask about looks. That’s a real experiment

[@superphycof]

ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT DEFINITION OF LOVE! I spent a long time personally defining love as the "highest form of trust" in which trust of an individual was some sort of 1-dimentional linear value but this use of the idea of a space where one can share really helped solve my long standing issue of what is "trust". Trust is that space were you be intimate by openly expressing and be vulnerable, share the self with the other, that is explicitly separate (they will always be other), but close and can be known. That otherness can be reduced by increasing the volume/space that is encompassing the people to include more of the self and other's personhood. THANK YOU!

[@j4m3s1]

Every single time I watch one of your videos you change me as a person. I watch these videos like A churchgoer listens to gospel. they are positive affirmations of me turning at the person I want to be. I will rewatch this one repeatedly like many others. You are one of my most sacred guides in this life. I don’t take your efforts for granted💛

[@ZZ-qy5mv]

Having parents who loved me but hurt me a lot, and then a grandmother who loved me in all the realest ways, I think that really taught me what I wanted my love to be like. Also, Sex and the City was surprisingly educational. Charlotte looking pass not feeling very physically attracted to the man she was falling for, and then realizing he was the best she's ever had, taught me a lot. I really aced it in the romance department.

[@DocKrazy]

Oh my goodness your cat is so sweet I love her so much she's so adorable and that purr best credit sequence ever

[@smileyfacesheens123]

I love this esp the discussion about defining love!! i think its so important and i was hesitant in my last relationship to bring it up because maybe it was too much but i knew i should have listened to myself because its what he ended up ending things over 😭 i said i'd loved him and i think he had the idea of love being more of a feeling (something i had unlearnt), anyways regardless, i find it really interesting what we've been conditioned to think about love and relationships, what is just chemicals and hormones, and what is conscious love. thanks for being a vibe

[@wattthefaqameye1146]

I appreciate all of the analysis and complexity on relationships. The only thing I can contribute and the question that remains unanswered for me is how can anyone want to be on this show? How can anyone think this is a good idea? Even with a very shallow understanding of relationships and little ability to emotionally engage, how can you not absorb the general understanding of marriage being a HUGE step that lots of people shouldn't take. There are so many examples of celebrity instant marriages that end in record fast time and it's just like, is it just a gift for all of them? And if not, then how????

[@DoodlesnDragons]

My sisters were watching Love is Blind in the background while I was talking to my mom, and I asked rhetorically that same question. My mom just said: ,,Yeah it's sad how desperate some people are'' I did not know whether I should laugh or cry at that response, did not expect it at all😅 But yeah, I guess the pressure put on people, the expectation of you being in a relationship, just makes peoole want it, without considering whether it's really something that's for them.

[@wattthefaqameye1146]

@@DoodlesnDragons I understand the desperation to get in a relationship, but like marriage?? The risk to reward ratio is just oof. I would understand this show much more if it were just people dating and choosing general partners without seeing them, I guess then there is less drama but I still don't get how they get anyone to sign up besides purely people tryna get paid.

[@DoodlesnDragons]

@@wattthefaqameye1146 You'd be surprised really. First of all, if I understood correctly, society really likes to push marriage as an only option, so there are many privileges you get (I don't fully understand that part though, so don't quote me on it). What I have had experience with though, is that pressure. I come from a big family, and my grandparents are quite archaic in that regard. There has not been a family dinner where they haven't asked somebody why they're still single, or why they're not married, or when they're planning on having kids, when will the time come for the second child and so on. It is neverending, it's as if the only goal is to have a big family, and that is the only way to be happy. Fortunately, we know that is not exactly the way to happiness, but I can see how someone only shown that perspective could think it is.

[@demilovatofaith]

Watching this video, made me think of my current hyperfixation, Young Royals on netflix, and I wonder what Khadija would think of this show. Cause the show deals a lot in communicating/fighting about what two queer men want out of a relationship. And these characters figuring out what they define as love.

[@Veryvoidlove]

I love your style of essay and every time I watch your content i come away enlightened and empowered and with a deeper understanding of people and myself and the world.

[@Chaka_Davis]

I've always seen love as a verb and not just a noun. It's not an accident or something that happens to me, it's something I cultivate and create and nurture. It's a choice, it's purposeful and intentional. I think that's why I'm able to love people in different bodies because my definition depends on a mindset and not a physique. It has always seemed to me that the conversations around love are actually discussing lust. Feelings that happen to you, that are uncontrollable and all-consuming.

[@livduval3854]

I think I ‘may be able to know love with someone’ for the first time since my first relationship. It’s been some of the happiest times in a while but has also brought up so much anxiety surrounding the idea of ‘the one’ and the whole ‘when you know you know’ phenomena. Hearing the way you understand love for yourself and how you relate to bell hooks’ writing made me tear up and feel so much better about reevaluating my relationship with romantic relationships. Thank you Khadija ❤️❤️❤️

[@mmikiogt54]

But the way I love how chaotic, messy and entertaining Love is Blind is tho 😭

[@AliaslsailA]

Same girl. As long is it's not my own dumpster fire 😂

[@asherbelangia2175]

i just did an essay on the idea of why people are expected to get married. the institution of marriage itself as it is written into law is very heteronormative and cisnormative- there must be a “head of household”, there are expectations of children, and gender roles that each partner is expected to take on, EVEN when the couple getting married is a gay couple. since the huge scare of republicans playing with the idea of making gay & interracial marriage illegal, ive noticed many around me getting married in fear of their right to marry would be taken away. its incredibly heartbreaking that people seem to be forced into a system, which if you do not participate in, you will not receive the 1000+ benefits for married couples, or your rights may be even taken away. currently crossing my fingers that the respect for marriage act will pass!

[@rubyj6499]

I love when Khadija talks about Love, it always hits different

[@marchingramen9485]

Thank you so much for this! I will never watch shows like this, but you're insight on the topic (and other similar and related subjects) has made take a deeper look at my own life and love. Between you and Uncle Fiq, I've ingested so much nuance and new language to express that better in my interactions. Please, keep up the good work. Both your live streams and prerecorded material are amazing.

[@TinyGhosty]

Lydia's purr is so precious! What an adorable fluffy kitty!

[@Siffer12345]

I had the very typical love at first sight with my significant other. What's intresting to me is Khadija is saying stuff like "it isn't enough for". For me personally I believe I was able to have that love at first sight moment because I've been extremly picky and quick to break it off with someone. So I've always had major "this isn't going to work" with every person I've met. I've always told myself that if I fell for an abuser I would never leave so I've been super careful. But then I met my boyfriend and I could tell just by looking at him that he was the safest place on earth

[@AliaslsailA]

I agree. Also, love at first sight doesn't mean the relationship or partnership is not being built consciously and carefully. I think it's something you have to have experienced to understand. I had a very intense, indescribable experience meeting my partner and vice versa and I know exactly what you're talking about when you're saying 'you just knew'. Of course that's not all there is to it but it is the foundation that you're then building the relationship upon. Rationalizing love too much can be just as questionable as mystifying it.

[@Gabster1990]

I had a love at first sight with my 2nd boyfriend and it took 2 years to realize he is not the person for me. :(

[@katherinedelafuente6030]

I had a "love" at first sight experience with my first love. When I saw him for the first time, I just knew he was going to make an impact on my life. We were friends for four years then dated for another four until he just ghosted me. It's hard to get over this intense gut feeling that we are meant to be together. But what I really wish is that I was mature enough to recognize his emotional unavailability and prevent myself from falling for him. It's been 3 years and I still can't move on despite how much I've moved forward since then.

[@sapphic.flower]

"diet versions" of ourselves is an interesting concept to me. I've never tried dating but I'd like to believe I'm secure enough that I honestly don't know what part of my personality I would "tone down" for dates. Maybe if I ever actually do it, that stuff will start popping up into my head but I like the idea that earnest and secure people wouldn't think there's such a thing as an unpalatable version of themselves. "Diet versions" just make me think of how abusive or insecure partners purposely mask that side of themselves but it feels like a trick because of it.

[@mixxuie]

Also interesting to me since I tend to do the opposite and overclock my personality because I know I’m quiet by nature, so I want to be sure people see my personality and not write me off as boring. I guess I always figured people postured their best traits forward but never considered people might “tone themselves down”

[@annabeinglazy5580]

I find it interesting because Part of it is also Kind of Natural, in a way. Like, for a First Date, you will curate which parts you Show of yourself, even If you dont plan to. In part because of time constraints. You cant shove all of you into a Coffee date, so you go with what you think is appropriate. Maybe you and the Date Talk about a Hobby you have in Common for two hours. Another (to me) big reason is Trust. There are Things about me that i will Not disclose until i trust a Partner and can better gauge how they might react. Stuff i would Not disclose to a First Date, because at the end of the day, i do Not know that and who knows what they might do with the info. As a more lighthearted example, i might not go full nerd on some topics that im passionate about, because i cant yet gauge If it's worth it. But i wont avoid them either. But with both of these it's a fine Line between "Putting your best foot Forward" and doing a diet Version of yourself. For me, i would say, normal Version on a First Date: mention i Like Anime, but Not completely nerd Out until i know If the other Person can stomach the Madness lol Diet Version: avoid talking about nerdy stuff because i dont want to Turn someone Off. Thats what i used to do as a Teen, and surprise surprise, it worked out not great. Because i AM a Nerd and If the other Person thinks thats idiotic, well No need for a second Date.

[@sapphic.flower]

@@annabeinglazy5580 yeah, that makes sense! I get putting your best foot forward and having small things that you don't feel ready to bring up yet, but the person should still get to know sides of you that do matter to you, like the media you're passionate about (in this case, anime). If you withhold things that you worry the person will judge you for and only find out they do dates later, then it's like you wasted your time. It's better to just let them know the kind of person you are, even if it's just a snippet of it, right away and you'll find out sooner you're incompatible before getting attached.

[@margicates553]

I’m autistic and I only recently found out. In the autism community we call it masking. It’s deeply uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like I’m holding all my tentacles in, and like a few are charming and quirky but all of them? People like the other version of me usually. She’s easier, sweeter, ungrounded, dissociated maybe a little dim. I realize now I’ve never been in a relationship and actually been my full self. I didn’t want people to know how much I struggle.

[@sapphic.flower]

@@margicates553 I'm sorry to hear that. I spent my life undiagnosed but I definitely noticed being the "weird girl" growing up. I didn't think about how dating etiquette and standards could affect neurodivergent people like us. It must be harder to "just be yourself" in an ableist setting where our natural habits and impulses are frowned upon :(

[@Darinadon]

What people need for a sound relationship is indeed time and experiences (there are exceptions, but still). For instance, my bff and i have been friends for over 10 years, and sometimes our interests diverge very far, we have different phases, we have bad moods, we may not have time for each other. But from all the time we've been friends i know that she'll find time if it's something important (and i don't just want to chat), that sometimes i get annoyed (and she'll get annoyed at me being annoyed) but it's not the end of the world, that even though some things she's interested right now seem shallow to me, she's a considerate and kind person, etc. Would i tolerate a person i've known for 3 weeks being snappish or annoyed or shallow or having no time for me. Hell no! I'd be just 'bye'. Because I don't have the wealth of time spent together to know it's not their core trait. And that they have much more to offer in terms of personality. So the idea of getting engaged after a few weeks is weird to me. Especially in such a manufactured setting.

[@TeraGreene1]

I’ve been watching you more and more on my main YT feed and finally clicked into the video to rewatch the beginning of this premiere that I missed. And I realized, I wasn’t even subscribed, but the YT algorithm shows me your content in the main feed anyway. :) shows how much value you bring and you are worth my viewing. Thanks for this video. Finally subscribed 🎉 keep it up, friend!

[@iswearimcoolguys]

I know I'm a month late to watching this when it came out, but your segment where you were talking about how easy it is to essentially overthink/judge a person while also conjuring fantasies in your own head was just THE fucking truth. Those sweet and simple fantasies were just so comforting to create rather than actually expressing my feelings to my friends, partners, or whoever impacted me. I had that realization of "oh shit wait I used to do this a lot" when I was talking to a friend about relationships/friendships. I remembered that those fantasizations led me down a dark (and frankly silly) path of loneliness, like, despite having friends I still was overthinking their behaviors and creating fake scenarios of how we'd interact. Even thinking on this again reminds me of the aspects of parasocial behavior, just without the internet veil. Honestly though, the love ethic (hehe) that you shared is a great approach to keep for all aspects of love, not just romantic or sexual. It's something I've been (mostly!) keeping in mind as I navigate my past experiences and forge through my current ones. Thank you Khadija for making another banger video as always and for giving me more thoughts to chew on about my ideas of love and intimacy!!

[@kasperkurpershoek1937]

I recently came out of a relationship in which I discovered that even though we had a great relationship and could talk for hours and communication was so great and everything was so good. Except that I just didn't feel, love. Still don't really understand why and what for but it for sure showed me that love is way more complex than I thought it was

[@sallyjrwjrw6766]

How long were you together?

[@coya8coy]

I can take or leave marriage. After my personal experiences, I’ve decided I will never move in with another person unless we have paperwork protecting one another legally, or get married. Things you build together can be take away so easily by family members if you don’t have that protection. Anyways, I’ve never seen the show but did enjoy the video. These videos are really insightful and have given me a lot to think about on how I see other people (and myself) in this world.

[@heiressananiah8788]

I love that term, “diet version” of ourselves Water-gate 2022 cracked me up😂😂

[@neveerland]

every once in a while the information stealing manipulative forces of the youtube algorithm place a video in my recommended that is so completely and utterly perfect it makes me wonder if it wasn't made for me in the first place. i love this.

[@BlindBabeBeth]

I have a kind of petty grievance with this show and it's purely about the name and how it plays into the stereotype that blindness means seeing nothing at all. Blindness is a broad spectrum and only a small percent of legally blind people actually see nothing. Blindness also doesn't mean you're unprepared or unknowing. We are incredibly resilient and resourceful and skilled and knowledgeable.

[@crimeny]

+

[@ayafan3876]

Oh my gosh… I'm visually impaired and have thought this since the beginning, but I've never seen anybody bring it up before! I agree so much!

[@BlindBabeBeth]

@@ayafan3876 Glad I'm not the only one!

[@debbieparnell7582]

It's not petty - especially as it's based on lived experience. Thinking about it there's this subtext of naivety that is terrible. Being autistic with ADHD, I'd be horrified if a show was called 'Love is autistic'. When you unpick it it has a simultaneously infantilising and inspiration-porn vibe to it - like its' a naive approach to life that has 'super powers' too. And it's just a really subtle way of supporting ableism where a different title would not. That sort of thing should never be overlooked - I couldn't think what there'd rename it but I'm pretty sure the show creators could have.

[@raej1891]

I really liked the discussion on figuring out what love means and trying to communicate it to a partner. I kind of want to hear your opinion on Love is Blind Japan and Brazil if you’ve watched them. I think it’s interesting to see how the couples interact in the other shows vs this one.

[@sergioalaral]

I had never seen the show and after seeing your video I went ahead and gave it a try. Now i’m way too emotionally invested in like 5 couples that I’ll never meet🫠

[@aprilkhan4302]

Amazing video but also KITTY CAT AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Aren't their purrs just so soul soothing 😭💖🐾

[@the_erin_zone]

I love how in-depth and thoughtful this is! I’m so happy you included you saying what you think love is did not expect to be touched in the heart today

[@MimisShoebox]

I love the end with the cat purring. So great!

[@cjane360]

Your description of love/your love ethic is something I really connect with. That “feeling” you can’t put into words is something I’ve tried to articulate too. But the best way I’ve been able to sum it up is that I want the people around me to understand me. That deep understanding of who I am with the “no judgement” zone is the foundation I need to feel close with someone (romantic or a friend!)

[@Sk88p]

Love what you said from 9:30 to 10:30. Season 3 Brennon and Alexa are the only ones who understood the assignment of this show. Which is exactly what you said.. It's not complicated. But some of them were either too young to realize that or simply came with the wrong intentions.

[@shellygarland8766]

as an asexual person who understands how separate attractions lay, especially romantic and sexual, the people who are immediately disinterested post pod era when their person isn't their physical or aesthetic type it makes my ass itchhh. the heterosexuals need help

[@shellygarland8766]

and then that other show love at first sight, it feels like people end up with the most aromantic, not wanting to settle down partners.

[@dalubuhlengwenya7188]

Girl there are homosexuals who base their decisions on looks too 💁🏾‍♀️

[@shellygarland8766]

@@dalubuhlengwenya7188 what homosexual couple is on the show love is blind. Which season? Orrrr did you see a queer person talk about a hetero person and feel like the shoe fit.

[@dalubuhlengwenya7188]

Relax Shelly, I’m bi-sexual myself pooh. That’s a bad response, even if I was just straight are people not allowed to criticize or rebuttal the points of queer people? Weird. But anyway, I read your comment in a generalized context. So if you are referring to just the show, still my point stands. The issue of prioritizing looks over other attributes is a human, individual issue. Not sexual orientation based. People make these bold statements like the one you made ‘the heterosexuals need help’ for example a lot and it’s just to create a sense of superiority which most people in different minority groups do against the “oppressing” group. That’s all I’m saying. The point overall was unnecessary and untrue is all I’m saying

[@shellygarland8766]

​@@dalubuhlengwenya7188 anyone can criticize points - as long as you remember who the world caters to and who the world doesnt in your critique. not sure how your point stands at all with just the show when there are literally noooo non straight couples. and me, as a queer consumer, have every right to look at cisheteronormative dating norms, which society centers as the main and only important dating norms, as ineffective af because it is. its giving you bring that into your queer relationships lmao. yes, alot of people regardless of sexuality do not seperate looks from emotional attraction, aesthetic attraction and other forms. thats a self drag on the non ace queer ppls but if you like it i love it lmao! regardless, the point of queer ppl having to deep dive into what their attraction means to them more deeply than people who can live in the norm (straights) is still true. if youve never had to analyze what your attraction means you're probably just priviledged, cause for most queer people, doing that can mean death. sooo im not sure what your point was here. you being uncomfortable w ppl targeting straights w critiques in straight dating shows is something -you- have to unpack. and yes, straight people have and do oppress queer ppl. theres no reason to put it in quotes.

[@marry6merra90]

Came for the video stayed for the purring 💚💚

[@chloejohnson6959]

Normally I don't prefer time stamps in a video but yours, ooh, amazing!! I really connected with the love is...? section, especially the qualia, naive realism, love of the idea of someone, and we have the potential for Eros love ❤ instead of expectations which leads to resentment (just as ~superiority breeds contempt~ 😏), I think the expectations of relational fruition also applies to Storge and Philia love 🧡💛.

[@zc1312]

Love the added cat purring at the end… such a wonderful send off

[@tspencer661]

I’m so glad I’m not the only one who watches this show.😆. Love is Blind: You can say no at the alter. Married at First Sight: you meet your new spouse at the alter. I couldn’t do either one, but I sure can watch the sh*tshows.😆

[@hanchan254]

I feel like love is sort of filling in the blanks. Or like my husband is a puzzle piece where what I lack is naturally filled in and vice versa