You don't own your partners 😗 The Ultimatum, love and possession analyzed | Khadija Mbowe

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Intro 0:00
Warby Parker 5:02
The Ultimatum 6:26
The "one 9:21
The Destination 12:44
Scarcity & the Sunk Cost Fallacy 14:11
Relationship Anarchy 18:13
Love & Possession 29:15
Bloopers and Credits 40:46
my links:
Booking inquiries: [e-mail]
Instagram: @khadija.mbowe
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/62p3rm0...
Patreon: / khadijambowe
Tiktok: @khadija.mbowe
the crew:
Antonia McLean (Researcher) / antonia.mclen
Maddy Lines (Fact-checker)- www.madelinelines.com/
Travis Davis (Editor)- / travissic
Priscilla Menezes (Assistant researcher)- / priscillathefairy
Raúl Alcázar (Capsule Captions) [e-mail]
Website: www.khadijambowe.com/
Video Watermark artwork @ddthewizard
Relationship Anarchy reads:
The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy
theanarchistlibrary.org/libra...
What It’s Like Being a Relationship Anarchis
www.thecut.com/2018/10/what-d...
A Beginner's Guide To Relationship Anarchy: Examples & How To Practic
www.mindbodygreen.com/article...
Some reads Priscilla found about The Ultimatim:
How does Netflix’s new dating show ‘The Ultimatum’ work?
www.today.com/popculture/tv/t...
Netflix's 'The Ultimatum' Cast: Your Guide
www.marieclaire.com/culture/t...
Where Was 'The Ultimatum' Filmed? Here's the Full Story Behind the Netflix Show's Locations
www.goodhousekeeping.com/life...
Which couples from Netflix’s The Ultimatum are still together?
www.goodto.com/entertainment/...
Which Couples Survived The Ultimatum On Netflix?
www.elle.com/culture/movies-t...
“The Ultimatum” Promotes A Scarcity Mindset In Dating
www.buzzfeednews.com/article/...
Send things here if you want!
PO Box
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Montreal, QC H2V4S8
AD Music
Opportunity Walks by Kevin MacLeod
Link: incompetech.filmmusic.io/song...
License: creativecommons.org/licenses/b...

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Also if you wanna...check out my podcast with Dennis...theleftovermillennials.buzzsprout.com/ 👀 First episode is coming this week!

[@SDBartel]

So excited for this! 😃

[@robertmorgan2219]

at 10:55 you begin a topic and mention an aspect of consideration of the soul mate as ‘sagxually compatible with’ … do you mean the guy’s size?

[@eroorefulufoo6625]

where's the link to the podcast in the dust of this planet?

[@paulinelamadrid6104]

Hi love what’s the radio show about nihilism called?

[@cceres]

The link to the Radiolab podcast is kzbin.info/www/bejne/iWawn4api7x3pbc

[@kia3199]

Just because your relationship didn't last doesn't mean it wasn't meaningful. You can love someone and still acknowledge that you guys aren't right for each other. I hope more people understand this.

[@sigilsonny7701]

I feel like with each relationship you have you learn a new set of expectations and values of what you want out of one

[@empyrea_2546]

@@sigilsonny7701 this...is very true for me. Only now do I realise that my failed romantic relationships were learning opportunities...

[@NissanSkyline901]

This was something I learned after my last romantic relationship. We both truly loved each other, but we were not right for each other. Once I came to that realization, I really began to look at all of my relationships differently, and I would say I have a much healthier view of relationships and I put much less pressure on myself and others. There is something freeing about realizing you can love somebody, be in love with them, and still recognize that you may not be good for each other. The ability to be able to move on without destroying yourself or without feeling resentment for the other person because although there may be love, some people just aren't compatible in a relationship.

[@flaviacristina2774]

Yeah, a break up it's not a failure, recognizing that it's just not working anymore doesn't mean that the time wasn't worth it

[@amara560]

100% this. I hate the term 'failed marriage'

[@Pizza_Party]

I don't think most people who date really want to be in a relationship. Imo, most people want a connection, want to be understood, seen, validated by another. This could be possible by any kind of relationship, but as a society we decided other relationships won't be seen as important as a romantic one, so there's that. People date just because they're lonely, want someone to talk to or plain fear of being left alone. All that regardless of if they really want to/are ready to date or not

[@heavenly2k]

yeah . I think that "romance" is how people get to know each other intimately because some people can't fully engage otherwise

[@samsprague3158]

Not sure of your gender, but my intuition is that this generally most true for men, since we are taught that it’s not really appropriate to get TOO close to our friends, except in the course of traumatic experiences. IME women are more likely to have aromantic friendships where they get that connection and validation you’re talking about.

[@oh-cx7dr]

this is a genuine question because i am trying to figure out what love is to me but what, in your opinion, is a reason you should date someone? it's crazy because all those reasons you list i used to think were valid but now my world has turned upside down~

[@amentrison2794]

@@oh-cx7dr I don't think that's necessarily a bad reason to date, just to realize that you can get those things from non-romantic relationships as well and that following the standard relationship "script" isn't necessary nor will it guarantee you those things. Consider what image the word "dating" brings to you, consider what needs/desires you are actually looking to meet, and decide what aspects of that image you'd like to add or throw away. Also communicate that to whoever you're trying to date

[@wanderson8145]

Bell hooks talks about that... Especially the fact that we usually see friendship as a secondary kinda relationship. We don't acknowledge friendships the same way we do with romantic relationships

[@oritsela]

My hubby and I have separate bedrooms, and we could not be happier. I like to stay up and read in bed, and he snores so we decided to have our own space. It has actually helped our relationship and I highly recommend it! Even living separately, which is something we have also done, works really well for a relationship reset... SO GLAD TO SEE THERE ARE OTHERS OUT THERE AND I AM NOT A TOTAL WEIRDO! 😉

[@s.sumbrella7616]

Sleepovers

[@sophiaupshaw2499]

My partner and I do this too! We have different levels of cleanliness, decor tastes and sleep schedules. Didn’t even think twice about the decision when we moved in together. It made sense for our relationship

[@peo_peo]

Probably my lover and I (if we move to that point) will probably have separate bedrooms because we have different schedules, we want our own space (he needs to be able to close the door and be alone, I need to have control over my environment and design it / organize the way I want it to). I think being secure allows for that space to exist. People just need space and there’s nothing wrong with that , the trust just has to exist.

[@longlivebeans]

I’m so jealous lol my partner snores like crazy but we don’t have an extra room so I have to use earplugs. Love him to death but I can’t sleep with all that honking 😩

[@oritsela]

@@peo_peo you'd be surprised the amount of people that find my situation odd or think we mustn't really love each other. I really hate the narrative that loving a person means you no longer need your own space and your own identity.

[@TeeNoir]

Emma, Emma's parents & you just made me feel more seen with the separate bedrooms thing. I've always wanted that!

[@TeeNoir]

April's revenge with the fade row LMAOOOO

[@TheBookofBeasts]

It actually works amazingly well. I was nervous to try it but I love it. Plus staying the night is cute and romantic now.

[@samsprague3158]

I’m in my first LTR of a few years, a lot of it has been long distance, and we are absolutely going separate bedrooms when we live together. It’s extra important for us because our sleep schedules are very unaligned, but the idea of having that solo space for mental health is not something I would ever want to give up.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Doesn’t it sound so nice??? Then you can have sleepovers 🥺

[@fricketyfracktraintrack]

I've always wanted that. Still do

[@bugbow2838]

The show Our Flag Means Death really shifted my perspective on romance. With the media I consumed growing up, I thought romance and romantic relationships were all about intimacy, kissing, sex, and being with someone you find attractive in both looks and personality. I thought that was it, but then this one quote from episode ten of that show kinda shifted my perspective. The quote went along the lines of “How does it feel, being in love?” “It feels easy”. This one character explained how she and her partner understood each other, taught each other new things, indulged each other in their hobbies, etc. I realized after thinking about that quote that romantic love shouldn’t be about dynamics of who’s the dominant one in the relationship and who isn’t. Though many people have popularized that concept of love in lots of pieces of media, it only works in sexual dynamics, not actual romance. That show taught me that romance is about (its hard to put this into words) you and your partner being yourself

[@epis8613]

Loving is easy, but expecting a relationship to always be easy can be a whole other issue.

[@sarroumarbeu6810]

How Stede looked at Mary with understanding in his eyes when she talked about how Doug made her feel....cuz he knew at that point...what a good show

[@sarroumarbeu6810]

@@epis8613 of course it needs effort from both sides but it shouldn't be forced either... I guess we can't really put it into words and we know a healthy relationship when we see one

[@afoolishfopdoodle3284]

Edward Teach, born on a beach

[@PatriciaJoy]

"we don't own each other"

[@jazzhea3660]

Being single for 10 years, and my longest relationship was 8 months in high school, I'm more incline to believe that there is a soul mate out there for me because dating is tedious and a waste of time IMO. I fully believe, "if you know you know". Finding someone to love isn't my priority. I dont need someone else to feel whole. If he is meant to find me in this life he will. I dont have to search for him, he'll come to me. In the meantime I'll focus on myself. Work on the relationships I do have. If I die single, cool. If I dont, awesome.

[@sigilsonny7701]

I feel like this is a belief we should all have

[@jazzhea3660]

@@sigilsonny7701 it took me a minute to get here, I didnt always have this mindset!

[@cristinarivera5707]

Love this! This is my exact attitude toward romantic relationships. I just don’t prioritize finding a partner like that. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t!

[@empyrea_2546]

I love this mindset

[@MiillieMesh]

I wish I felt as neutral about love like this. I mean I kinda do feel this way, I'm just more curious about experiencing romance right now . Maybe I'm just bored lol

[@PGOuma]

"How do you wanna feel around them?" Is such a great question for me because due to my upbringing, I was always told to suck it up and to just put up with the uncomfortable feelings I've felt around certain people. This led me to come to the conclusion that no matter relationship I have, I'll always just feel uncomfortable and put up with it. This led me to get into toxic friendships and relationships because they told me that's just what friends do (be mean and cross my boundaries) and didn't want to change or respect my boundaries. This is why it took me years!!! To get out of toxic relationships and friendships. I just wanna feel safe and peaceful, no anxious butterflies, around my future partner and not me constantly worrying if I'm doing the right thing or saying the right thing to fit in with others. And those who I felt less anxious around, didn't like me back, which is fine but I took that as a sign that I cannot ever truly obtain true happiness. Which is a silly mindset

[@evakurl]

Yes, this! I’ve just had that though, what I’d like about a romantic relationship- what would stand out, why would I let them into my home etc. And the answer was immediate- I want to be as comfortable around them as I am alone! I grew up and still live in a very toxic, judging household, so I’d like no more that to feel acceptance from that person I’d like to date.

[@danikim235]

SAFE. This is the first thing that came to my mind. I've had enough of judging, toxic people who prevent me from being myself and make my mental health worse. My last relationship was a real eye-opener.

[@sarahnelson8836]

I mean I’ve definitely known very successful couples who didn’t share a bedroom but were also monogamous…. Some people just snore or have a job that means they are on call in the middle of the night. The thing that makes it remarkable is since it’s not the “expected state” the couple actually has to talk it out and successfully balance their needs. Which a lot people struggle with apparently…..

[@sarahnelson8836]

Really monogamy vs polyamory has nothing to do with the quality of the relationship, it all has to do with healthy communication and boundaries as well as preferences

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Better tell ‘em

[@TheFairylilith]

My sister and her man are in a monogamous relationship and they have separate bedrooms! He snores so much so when they didn't have separate bedrooms that would lead to a lot of fights and just anger because neither could sleep well, my sister was kept awake by the snoring and he because my sister tried to push him to change positions all through the night to stop the snoring. Now they're doing fantastic and strong and are very loving to each other.

[@anewplasticidea]

a LOT of couples sleep separately and not just in loveless marriage/partnerships. i didn't know this lmaoooo i mean my parents do too adn they are still together and definitely love each other more than their kids :P but yea! and in south korea a lot of couples are "weekend couples" because they have to work (usually the man) which i hadn't really heard of before! when i was living in the UK i was even surprised people do weekend subletting lmao. there's all sorts of things since the beginning of time i spose!

[@MarielaQue]

The Ultimatum was an interesting show. Personally, I felt really uncomfortable watching how controlling some of the people were towards their partners.

[@emilydarty3005]

I agree I was low key triggered the whole show kuz the whole concept is ? Not gona act like I didn’t watch the entire show in one day tho

[@elleofhearts8471]

don't forget entitled and presumptuous. its frightening how romantic and interpersonal insecurity can make people behave so regressively and ugly. which they probably wouldn't do if they spent more time being single (and if singleness wasn't stigmatized) and or developed themselves emotionally and mentally to becomes a self affirming and self actualized individual before pursuing romance.

[@braxtongirtman3674]

There’s a similar TV shows that I believe came out first because I believe that there are more seasons but it’s called temptation island if you like this check that out

[@gray759]

As an autistic queer arospec person I love the concept of relationship anarchy so much. I have difficulty understanding the difference between “friend love” and romantic love and have had friends that I’ve felt closer too than any partner. I also love the emphasis that you don’t own your partners/loved ones and that you are a complete person outside of others. Thank you for the video auntie 😊

[@Pan-optic]

My wife is also autistic and somewhere in the ace spectrum and one of the things that became clear very quickly when we got together is that if I wanted to date her I needed to rework my understanding of where the friendship/lover divide is. She can get very close to people in a way that is "not romantic" but it's clearly not "not romantic" either, and she is extremely open and willing to create deep connections with people, even though she's not particularly interested in having sex. Relational anarchy has been a very useful model for us to articulate all those relationships that seem to not be captured by general romantic expectations.

[@hughcaldwell1034]

My partner and I were discussing our feelings re friendship vs romance the other day. In trying to articulate how I felt, I landed on this analogy: Crossing into romantic love for me is like crossing the event horizon of a black hole. There's no physical barrier, no extra "ingredient", and no unexpected jump in the gravitational force. Nevertheless, that smooth increase in strength has, in fact, brought me to a new and special place with different qualities. Now, obviously this analogy isn't perfect and it's not for everyone, but if you're into physics/have a passing understanding of black holes, I think it can be pretty useful.

[@PGOuma]

Felt as a nd AroAce-spec person

[@black-nails]

​@@Pan-optic i strongly suspect that i'm autistic and also always had this same quality. Love feels like love and the line seems so blurry! I'm glad you found a way to understand eachother, it gives me hope

[@wjbluv]

I always felt we leaned harder into monogamous relationships and “the one” fantasy because increasingly (US mostly) we have to work so hard to survive that we need magical thinking for just one aspect of our lives to ‘just work’ that our relationships should justify the chaos around us with a sense of order and permanence since we NEED that second income or support or hope of something better and just MORE than we are while struggling to survive alone. At least in my trailer park escapee opinion.

[@perryh.-r.4419]

I think you're spot on, but I would also add that the 20th/21st century model of the nuclear family contributes to the need for a two-person partnership in order to achieve financial/material stability. In a system where a whole extended family (or other social structure) mutually supported each other materially, or in a nation with a robust social safety net, there would be less of a need to find a spouse to meet that need.

[@LuneFromage]

Wow it turns out I've been a relationship anarchist this whole time and just didn't know that term for it! I always tell everyone who I love that I love my unique relationship with them as it is and don't value it any less than any other relationship. Why should my romantic relationship mean more to me than my friendships or familial bonds? I am not polyamorous, but I love having a lot of people whom I love and they are all special to me. Just not in a romantic/sexual way. My friends and I have often talked about living all near each other and raising families all together. I still like romantic relationships, but I love that idea that we can just be as we are and not live by others' rules.

[@ChrisGoldie]

I get into this argument alot when it comes to marriage lol tradition has a strong hold on alot of people and they have a right to be that way. Its jus not with me

[@anewplasticidea]

yea i want to live by my best friends and raise my kids near them so badly w/ my partner. if i had the money man...

[@mindon_3]

I need to be your friend. Let me apply

[@krystalizedmagic4894]

I mean, nobody really told you that you were supposed to value relationships over all other aspects of your life like platonic, and familial. All lot of monogamous relationships know that and they do so. It's common sense really. Monogamous relationships somewhat do have a force-like negative connotation to it because the wrong people are doing it. Monogamous relationships are different from relationships that require many because they value loyalty. It doesn't necessarily mean you look at your partner less important because you also value someone else, but it's about making the choice to be loyal and content with what you already have without, seeing what you already have as enough, and not feeling the need to pursue anything you see while you already have a strong foundation.

[@biggame315]

@Trinity M I think the exact way you do. Like y’all are never gonna disagree? Everything done as one big group ? Or different subgroups of course. But then again, all of you guys are just going to get along and align in interests for years and years ? Getting older 5-10 years and will still be the same ? It’s not odd to have your specific partner because no matter how nice people portray they are people do shady shit all of the time and I just don’t see the point in dealing with all of that for the sake of not being traditional. This stuff is niche to me but people want it to be the norm. Like are people gonna seriously live next to friends and raise families together without any major conflicts for 10 years ? Let alone 20?

[@alexandrakershner4463]

As someone who got married when I was 23, I wish I waited. My husband and I are very happy together, but there were definitely some things that came up (about our own individual identities) post-marriage that we wish we could have figured out without the pressure of being married. Being married didn’t change our relationship between us, but rather how other people treated us that we felt like we couldn’t just breathe as a couple without external pressure. I’m grateful we got married, and so grateful for our relationship, but I think marriage took some of the years of freedom we could have had without external expectations that come from being married.

[@amara560]

I wonder if that is a cultural thing? For me and my husband not much changed when we got married (in a good way).

[@amentrison2794]

What kind of expectations and external pressures did people start putting on y'all's relationship once you were married?

[@didi6816]

@@amentrison2794 The first thing is the question "when are you going to have kids ?" Or "what's the next step ?"

[@alexandrakershner4463]

@@amentrison2794 there was an additional pressure of seriousness, that our relationship “made it,” so we would obviously want kids, get a house, etc. Everything became “heavier” in a way.

[@woodside4life]

@@alexandrakershner4463 It’s funny how people project what THEY expect from your marriage on you.

[@randomchick901]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over three years. When we got together, we both had a conversation about what we wanted for our lives and our relationship. We knew what we wanted for our lives in the long term wasn’t necessarily compatible (and neither of us really wanted marriage/kids) but also knew that in the NOW, we love each other and want to be together. We’ve both grown so much and that conversation has always been open and dynamic. Our relationship could end tomorrow but that wouldn’t undo all the good things that came out of it or the importance of the relationship at that time in our lives Edit: also, EVERY relationship ends in some way or another. The end of a relationship isn’t a bad thing, it’s okay and it’s natural

[@diamcole]

It honestly took years of self exploration and practicing different types of relationship styles for me to realize that monogamy was something I both want and need in my romantic relationships. As someone who also identifies as queer, it can be hard to explain to loved ones as well as previous partners with whom I’ve engaged in open, ethically non-monogamous relationships with why it means so much to me but it honestly feels good to finally accept it & pursue relationships with people who are also in alignment with that instead of talking myself out of it because I feel like I should want to be ENM or poly.

[@sarahnelson8836]

This! There’s a bit of vilifying of monogamy in some queer groups as though you are still “a little repressed” by choosing or wanting to be monogamous. My current partner wanted to be monogamous in part for that sense of belonging with each other and creating a family unit (even just of the two of us). I was open to both styles but decided that since she felt so strongly about monogamy and I felt so strongly about her, I chose monogamy. I have never had even a moments regret of that decision or ever felt trapped or anything. There is a significant difference between choosing to belong WITH someone, and feeling obligated to them (or trying to make them feel obligated to you). The important thing seems to be that one does not accept something merely because it is what is on the table at the time, but because it fits with who you are and who you want to be.

[@Lill2895]

One of my cousin's bff is going through this now. I think exploration when you feel you need to is great because you start learning a lot about yourself.

[@samsprague3158]

That’s awesome! Congrats and well done on putting in the work! I’m currently poly but only in my first ever long term relationship, and the poly part hasn’t been tested too thoroughly yet. To me, even if I find out that it’s not ideal for me, the important thing is approaching it from a relationship anarchy standpoint, just like Khadija talks about. Going along with normative monogamy just because that’s what people do is foolish to me, but being monogamous because you know it’s good for you serves yourself, your partner, and your community!

[@kairoland3116]

I literally feel so seen rn. As a lesbian woman who's dating again after the end of my first ever long-term relationship I felt like something was wrong with me when I met people who thought monogamy was outdated, possessive, or unrealistic. I respect people's decisions and boundaries but I genuinely enjoy the full-dive and discovery of learning my romantic partner and I find my person fascinating enough to want to learn them as we both grow with time. I need monogamy and a girlfriend who shares that belief. I still can't fully explain it but for a while I kind of stopped dating because I seemed so out of my depth. I had to reprogram myself to realize I am a person outside of love but I'm still acknowledging that there are billions of women out there, I'll find someone.

[@diamcole]

@@sarahnelson8836 I relate to this, so much. Thank you for sharing and I completely agree, choosing to belong with someone is very different than feeling like you belong to them & are obligated to them. I am my own person and so is my partner, embracing monogamy does not mean that I want to own them.

[@ellenoregaard7394]

It’s so funny to hear there has been a term like “relationship anarchy” floating around out there. I’d been of the opinion for a long time that people decide the terms of their own relationships and define what cheating is for themselves and so everyone’s answer to that is going to be unique to them. For some people watching porn is cheating. For some, sex with others is fine as long as some clear boundaries are held. No one is wrong, they just have to communicate what makes them comfortable and what the expectations are. It’s incredibly important to have the conversation of what marriage means to you and to the person you’re thinking of marrying, because everyone’s answer could be different.

[@WhitneyDahlin]

What makes me really angry is people who don't want to be monogamous and are incapable of being monogamous purposefully go out of their way to hunt down and get into monogamous relationships. But then go around cheating and lying and manipulating instead of just being honest and having an open relationship or being poly to begin with. This is 2022!!! There is literally no need to lie and cheat and there's no excuse for it. Stop getting into monogamous relationships when you refuse to be monogamous!!!! Like why TF do so many people do that???!!!???? It's like they want their partner to only want them and only be with them but they also want to be able to have relationships with a bunch of other people besides their partner while their partner can't have anyone besides them. These people are the literal worst. They want the benefits of monogamy without any of the commitment or drawbacks of monogamy. Either these people are so deeply insecure and needy they HAVE to have constant outside validation and attention from several people to feel okay with themselves and they don't care who they have to hurt to get it. Or they are so selfish they are incapable of truly caring for anyone besides themselves. Anyway these people suck and I hope they die alone.

[@adalheidisofadamahcaptaino18]

@@WhitneyDahlin I agree except for the dying alone part, I wish them healing and reform.

[@adalheidisofadamahcaptaino18]

@@WhitneyDahlin I agree except for the dying alone part, I wish them healing and reform.

[@strayiggytv]

@@WhitneyDahlin personally? I think alot of people do that because polyamory isn't seen as acceptable by a large portion of society. Like it's actually more socially acceptable to be a habitual cheater (especially for men) than it is to have an open relationship. Like think about it for a second. If a man cheats on all his girlfriends his male friends will just call him a player/Casanova. Some may disapprove but they will probably not do anything more than gently shame him for it. But Imagines he's in an open relationship. That means the woman gets to sleep around too and so his friends will mercilessly mock him for it. Even if he's free to sleep around to he'll get called a cuck/simp. Basically the patriarchy makes it safer for him to just constantly cheat then risk being "emasculated" by his partner being free to sleep around.

[@obatalaosun2222]

@@strayiggytv THIS!

[@margicates553]

Yes! More please. I was poly for a bit, than had to face the trauma I’d been running from. I’ve been dating myself for the last 3 years. I keep meeting men who think they can change that. ( hAvE yOu TrIeD mY pEnIs?!) It feels like no one has the patience to meet me where I’m at. And I feel manipulated by romantic overtures. I dunno, I’m probably avoidant attachment too. Mostly I don’t want to disappoint people or hurt them by not being what they think I should be.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

💕 I gotta get back to dating myself Also this was vulnerable and lovely but that "hAvE yOu TrIeD mY pEnIs?!" had me OPEN mouth cackling

[@margicates553]

@@KhadijaMbowe thank you 😊 You crack me up all the time, it feels good to return the favor.

[@pompitousoflove]

I feel this friend

[@shamaamamamamaah6928]

I wish there was a way to favourite or save comments like this. Screenshot it is!

[@dalailarose1596]

The book "Polysecure" is about attachment styles & polyamory, written by a clinical psychologist. I'd also highly recommend her podcast Multiamory.

[@petalchild]

My parents have been married for 26 years and have slept in different bedrooms for the past 15 (?) years, and it works really well for them! I used to be embarrassed about it when friends would come over because I didn't know how to explain that to people when it came up, but in retrospect it's kind of weird that it's stigmatized.

[@xylypotatohead3947]

Even the British queen had mostly separate bedrooms with her husbands so yeah

[@Pomagranite167]

@@xylypotatohead3947 royalty and the elite class often had and still have separate bedrooms because it allows both parties to have their own space and privacy and breaks from each other, but in a good relationship, it also acknowledges consent and whether your partner wishes to share a bedroom today or not. Personally, that'd be ideal for me.

[@miss_chelles1338]

@@Pomagranite167 honestly me too the more I think about it. 😂

[@sofypi7493]

@@Pomagranite167 they used to have different bedroom because the wedding were for money and power not love, they had their personal affaire with someone in the palace

[@heatherlee2047]

Wow! That's really cool. Makes a lot of sense to me ngl

[@ElizabethMidfordHatesCops]

My parents were head over heels in love. I never once saw them argue, let alone get really angry at one another. They slept in separate rooms. I asked my dad why and he said that the weren't compatible in a bedroom, no innuendo intended. They had different preferences on how they liked to sleep and lived their lives differently from the other. It just made sense for them to have a seperate room. My aunt and uncle were a step further and literally lived in seperate houses. I have never met my aunt. I didn't know my uncle was married. She lives a few houses away from me.

[@munayamkhan6019]

Wow! Sorry I am late to reply, but that's awesome!!!!!! No toxicity,both are respectful to their different lifestyles. This is just rare & pure heaven. I 100% believe that anyone should marry others based on their comfort & compatibility.

[@ElizabethMidfordHatesCops]

@@munayamkhan6019 It doesn't matter that you are late, I'm glad you like my comment.

[@juno3281]

i feel ppl take romantic love way too seriously, like it’s a life or death scenario. mf just treat it like a normal relationship, we’re there for each other until we’re not anymore. and then that’s that. the expectations of a committed relationship are so dramatic like why would you want to legalize it to keep your partner from leaving- y’all are okay with knowing if they could cheat on you they would??? what??? and the only thing that’s keeping them from it is a contract??? pls- that’s so sad. if you get rid of those boxes and rules it’s a lot easier to be open with each other, instead of lying for the sake of the idea of a relationship. we need to think about each other and not the relationship right like idc what we are as long as we can happily be together. it’ll be easier to find someone who actually wants you for you, and you’ll build trust a lot easier knowing there’s nothing keeping them from leaving but their love for you. i didn’t grow up in the nuclear family model so i always thought that it really stupid and weird to devote yourself to someone just for the idea of it. ew what- no wonder divorce is so common who ever thought that would be a good idea? forcing things to mean something won’t make them any more meaningful. let’s normalize natural meaning and not forced meaning! respect, consent, trust and communication are all you need for a good relationship. the pressure of being in a relationship and not the actual relationship is so odd to me. let things be how they areeeeeee, it’s not natural if you have to force it to happennnnnn- ofc you need to work on yourself before you can look at things this way bc if you’re not trustworthy then you’re not gonna be capable of a naturally meaningful relationship. someone who actually loves you won’t need to be shackled to you to keep them from playing- all of my relationships have been like this bc it’s how i was raised. i’m still friends with all of the “failed” relationships because there was no betrayal, it was purely just being together. i feel a lot of things, but letting yourself feel emotions, instead of feeling like you need to act on them will let you see things in a different way. it’s absolutely hilarious how there’s a capitalist form of relationships like why did anyone ever give into that- think for yourself and how you want your life to be who cares what old men told us a couple hundred years ago. its 2022 live your lifeee

[@davinamayor7776]

Wow 👏🏾honestly that’s some wisdom you are giving

[@FIRXFLY]

i love your comment. it's very passionate and i can feel that because i agree with every single word

[@monimuppet6132]

At the same time, since we live in a capitalistic society, even relationships that were never legalized through the construct of marriage and that end amicably, may still carry a lot of legal things that must be sorted - a shared living space, expenses, children, etc. I don't need state sanctioned marriage but I'm still practical. Someone is about about building trust and taking things slow, letting them happen naturally? Me too. But if anyone thinks that when it comes to sharing a living space, expenses, and possibly children, that I won't want a legal agreement in place on how those things will be handled if this union comes to an end - they got me f'ed up. Especially in the case of children. If folks are as sensitive as they say; how can they not want something in place to ensure the child/children have as calm and healthy a transition as possible? Marriage has never and will never keep someone faithful; agreed. And unless the couple has a pre-nup, marriage also won't make dividing things once it's over simple - no matter how peaceful the split. If someone can't discuss and take seriously the realities of the capitalist state we live in JUST as well as they discuss feelings, dreams, and desires; then all we can be is "friends" - if that because I really don't like keeping many friend. I mean I've had only two for the last 10 years and haven't cared to add more, lol! That's a personality thing tho.

[@xaviercopeland2789]

Nuclear families have existed s long time, and having them now like for hundreds of years isn’t what has increased divorce rates.

[@sarroumarbeu6810]

This comment is brilliant ❤️

[@MissDanielle]

That sunk-cost fallacy has always puzzled me. It assumes that your relationship will change in some big way once you're legally married. Like... surprise but you're still just hanging out with the same person every day lol. Especially now that most people live with their partners before marrying them and might even get joint bank accounts together, buy homes together, etc, without being married. My husband and I discussed at length what would be different if we were married and whether or not we should bother with it. I think more people should do that.

[@mechanical-scarecrow3064]

I'm only a few minutes in but I love the idea of separate bedrooms. I can't imagine not having my own space. It would feel like when I was a kid and shared a room with my sibling. Also I toss and turn at night and if someone was next to I'd feel super self conscious and never sleep.

[@sarahnelson8836]

I’ve known several couples that have done this! All for different reasons but they figured it would work best to meet their needs

[@anewplasticidea]

ikr i think i might have to lmao

[@justhearmeout3959]

I've never seen the Ultimatum, but I'd rather watch Khadija break it down anyway 🤣

[@valeriadelpio2745]

I absolutely loved this video. For reference, I'm the eldest of 4 sisters and : - My parents married after having 3 of us because we were travelling and moving countries etc, so it was a matter of convenience. No traditional anything. - My parents have both shared rooms and had their own (reason being : my dad is a loud snorer) - Their relationship is akin to that of Gomez and Morticia (dark humor, finishing each other's sentences, openly flirty (in all ways)) - They both taught me that relationships aren't about a fixed goal, they are meant to evolve without a given destination, and what makes a good relationship is what you gained from it, regargless of wether it's over or still ongoing - Sometimes you need a friend, sometimes you need a partner, and sometimes you just need a piece of meat. All are legitimate needs and/or wants.

[@sarahjames4358]

This sounds like goals!

[@ThrowingCrunchy]

This one really hit! I'm reminded of a quote from Buddy Wakefield "If my heart really broke every time I fell from love/ I'd be able to offer you confetti by now/ but hearts don't break yall/ they bruise and get better/ we were never tragedies, we were EMERGEncies" anyway, thank you as always for your insights Khadija!

[@shikonaori]

"people do not own each other" is one of those concepts that's just lived in my head rent free since I was a teenager, I'm pretty sure I read that or something close to it in a chapter of NANA once and it's just stuck with me ever since lol. It's such a struggle to put that into practice in an actual relationship though given how pervasive the idea is in our society. It's almost like, if you aren't possessive of your partner, it must mean you don't really care about them ?? Or conversely, possession is considered the height of romance. And it's complicated because I've absolutely experienced those feelings on both sides, lmao. I think at the end of the day we all really just need to stop taking communication for granted in our relationships and really, truly be honest w each other and ourselves. Also stop caring so much about what ~the culture~ wants or expects from us This is also a total sidebar but your nose piercings are incredible and are giving me big 90s-era Janet vibes 🙌

[@cmarkesha]

Love this. I do believe people can want a more monogamous leaning relationship and just be more interdependent (versus codependent), hold space, and not be possessive. Lots of people just don’t know how to have that balance and trust 🤷🏾‍♀️. To each their own ✨

[@maryamtara2934]

I 100% agree but that comes with time and building bridges

[@Dream-Me]

I'm in this relationship. It feels really good.

[@VENIKA]

bell hooks transformed my life when she spoke about domination, possession and control in romantic relationships. I don’t think I had truly fleshed it out but of course I understood that I was not interested in that type of love. I think just age and experience has taught me so much about loving people without expectation and the importance of the expression of love.

[@sarahjames4358]

Which of her books does she discuss this? I want to buy it!

[@sunrisemoon8500]

which book

[@MoneyOptionsConnect]

@@sarahjames4358 It is likely the book titled ' Feminism Is for Everybody: Passionate Politics' by Bell Hooks

[@sarahjames4358]

@@MoneyOptionsConnect thanks!

[@shakespearessister4039]

@@sarahjames4358 there is also "all about love" by Bell Hooks

[@heavenly2k]

I think that if monogamy were framed in society as an *option* rather than the *right way to love someone* , people would have way healthier relationships. It just works for some people, and it just don't for others. And relationship styles can exist on a spectrum, too. For example, my partner and I are mostly monogamous but we sometimes openly flirt with others. I think it really just comes down to what two (or more) individuals decide is their ideal set of boundaries.

[@alexismcnulty1802]

This!!!!!! I totally agree

[@Queen_G_513]

Thank you! This is exactly how I feel. As a married woman, I sometimes get offended when I hear people criticize monogamy or “conventional relationships,” only because it works so well for my husband and I. But, at the same time, I know it is absolutely impossible for some other couples and/or individuals. Why can’t we all just do what works for us without any stigma?!

[@EC-yw5hg]

@@Queen_G_513 I mean (of course) I wouldn’t go up to a nonmonogamist and judge them, like “you do you”-but we are instinctually drawn to monogamy, biologically, for one very good reason: limiting the spread of disease.

[@thejasminediaz]

"I think that if monogamy were framed in society as an option rather than the right way to love someone , people would have way healthier relationships."

[@Hannah-ez7fh]

@@EC-yw5hg Actually, looking at this through the lens of sexual evolution, we are descended from monkeys that are 100% non-monogamous. The loud cries that human women make during sex are linked to similar cries in non-monogamous monkeys which are theorized to exist in order to lure in more fertile men in the vicinity. Penises are shaped in a way to pull out the sperm of competitors and put their own in a more favorable position near the cervix. Additionally, human testicles are quite large compared in size to those of actually monogamous monkeys. This is because they contain enough sperm to be with more than one woman. (All of this you can read in "Sex At Dawn" by Christopher Ryan. It is absolutely okay to live your life in a monogamous way. It is also okay to live your life in a non-monogamous way. However, to say that we are instinctually drawn to monogamy as a species is just untrue. We came from a long line of non-monogamous monkeys and only recently have as a society decided on monogamy as a practice. Even so, lots of people cheat. Would that be a thing if we were "instinctually drawn" to monogamy?

[@lacamila666]

I've been practicing relationship anarchy for a few years now and I'm so happy about it :) There was kind of a "grieving" stage when I had to let go of all the desires that I had been indoctrinated in, all the romantic love stuff, but man, this way of living just makes more sense.

[@jamesrawlings46]

Last year when meditating on decolonizing my mind I realized how much the English language values ownership of things. Like saying MY kids, HER husband, THEIR car... etc. One way I combat this is saying I'm responsible for something instead of owning it. Like saying money I'm responsible for, or a relationship I'm responsible in. It has helped me a lot in having healthier relationships with things and people.

[@zkme2734]

what language doesnt talk like that? it also happens with romance languages

[@sarroumarbeu6810]

This is a great take ngl

[@sofypi7493]

james i would say any language express like that it's not a CoLoNiZeR thing. also if u own something u are also responsabile for that

[@jmaes7735]

@@sofypi7493 it can be a colonizer thing depending on what culture they’re from in the sense that their language does not imply possession. I’m much more curious about which languages do not imply possession

[@anewplasticidea]

i think that's unfair and a bit idolizing and unnecessary placement onto people who may not feel that way at all (in the non-west) we shouldnt assume. because it is also untrue. we tend to glorify what we dont know and think are primitive based things (no ownership in language pre colonization) and that's unfair to the people who live in different places and speaking for them and to those who have a direct allegiance and need for harming others (which many people do in all societies)

[@AROCODED]

As an aro person I love it so much when anyone discusses relationship anarchy and amatonormativity, they're concepts that simply are not discussed enough. It already feels like the aspec community is sidelined compared to other queer identities and I wish people would stop viewing us like that, ESPECIALLY us arospecs.

[@CostumedFiend_Audio]

This is definitely an interesting conversation to have. I've always been single and I do value my alone time, but I also occasionally wish to be partnered. The trouble is (due to lack of experience) figuring out what works for me. I don't think I have the energy/fortitude to be poly, but I'd never want someone to feel so bound to me that they'd eventually feel stuck. Honestly, most conversations around dating get kind of annoying especially when you add being Bi/Neurodivergent to the mix. To me reality TV only further promotes the idea that other people are sources of entertainment, which is not great for healthy relationships of any kind.

[@sarahnelson8836]

I don’t believe that if y’all work together in partnership and you pick someone with mostly compatible needs anyone ever feels stuck. Being neurodivergent definitely makes dating more interesting, but (much like being queer) it can also open up important conversations about needs etc that others wouldn’t have (but would benefit from) simply because they haven’t thought of it. How to ADHD has a great video on relationship accommodations that I highly recommend!

[@samsprague3158]

I think you would be surprised how many people out there want similar things to you in a relationship. Not that it’s easy to find those people. But I hope that when you come across someone who you think is worthy of a relationship with, that you can put your cards on the table and let them surprise you!

[@CostumedFiend_Audio]

@@sarahnelson8836 Agreed on those things opening up conversations. I definitely like how being Bi has helped change/open up my perspective and How to ADHD is definitely a helpful channel.

[@smallestcomfort]

Same to all of this! I also have always been single and Im bi. Being alone is like my default state but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship. I definitely struggle with figuring out what I want, bc ppl tell me to "just explore" or "try stuff out" but I dont have the energy and also it feels weird to like explore myself through other ppl, like I'm using them. I dont think I could maintain several relationships but I also dont know if I'd like to have a partner. I worry I would hold them back or something, like I'm just getting to know myself in that area and maybe the other person already knows what they want. I'm kind of a late bloomer so when I was a teen I never expected to be in a relationship. I've only started to ask myself these things quite recently, so naturally I'm still very confused lol

[@wanderinggstars]

I really liked the way you talked about "we can only love the way we know how". I have been through a lot of trauma and it is interesting how "love languages" or the way that you want to receive or give love, show us a lot about how weve been neglected in the past. Someone who really needs words of affirmation may be someone who never got verbal feed back growing up and they had to guess and assume how their loved ones felt about them.

[@russianbot8576]

the words of affirmation thing can be cultural too, and completely flipped on its head, it is very interesting~ i realised this from similar methods, because for me, in my household (russian/romani, grandparents imigrated so it is not far removed), words just don't mean much, it's actions, especially for masculinity. but it's not lack of communication, because it means (in my experiences and ofc i cannot speak for all rus or roma relationships) that the actions of communication take on grandiose significance. on the one hand, it means i am capable of seeing the 'promises not to, does it anyway over and over' red flag of abuse extremely fast and bounce out. on the other, it has made it really hard to feel like saying thank you and sorry in moments that matter _means_ anything coming from me--after all, we say these words for trivial things too, and so it feels like it's trivialising. and it has been a huge process, trying to learn that that just is not how people see it, even if i 'make a scene' (which is the standard, you make a spectacle of the thanks or apology, it is never subtle! no guessing ahaha), the dominant anglo-euro culture doesn't just naturally see the spectacle as the words 'sorry' or 'thanks'. it just doesn't work as well as the words expected. and i have to also realise that it takes the dominant culture a lot longer to change their behaviour after a long apology too.

[@MsMizz1]

I also recognized recently that love languages can be directly connected to lack in childhood.

[@iiiiiiiiiiii90000000]

I lived apart from my husband for some time and although I ultimately realized my desire to be near him more often overpowered the need for personal space, I really did enjoy all the alone time as I am an extreme introvert, and I definitely miss it sometimes. We plan on building a homestead in the near future, and one of our wants is to build two separate small cabins where we can "escape" and do our own thing separately, but we'll be on the same plot of land so I won't feel as far away from him as I did when we lived apart. I'll be able to pop in and visit him whenever I feel I need to, and vice versa, yet we will both have that quiet focus time to work on projects separately. It's perfect for us.

[@InvisibleRen]

22:04 Rather than being related to poly, I see this as a thought for those parents (moms in particular) who will choose and prioritize their partners over their children. They very much are stuck in that mentality of their love being a limited resource and it’s really harmful to the kids (who then become adults with issues).

[@xylypotatohead3947]

This hits so close to home God I

[@shanleenkinnjaskey2419]

This actually really happened to me with my dad and not my mom. After my parents got divorced, for my mom, her number one priority was always the kids, and she's recently learned how to shift equal priority over to her partner now that me and my brother are leaving home, but my dad has never been that big on prioritizing the kids. To him, romance and sex was always everything, and it always seemed like he was incapable of setting that aside and learning how to properly divide up his attention.

[@andyt7295]

I really hope they're paid actors, because imagine telling your kids "oh, dad didn't really wanted to commit so I put him through public humiliation until he finally proposed". Seriously, many people begin with thinking they *have* to be in a relationship to be fulfilled human beings and waste time and energy looking for The One (or just anyone, really) while maybe it'd be so much better to try and learn to be "complete" individuals on our own, people who are able to both welcome partners who enter our lives and say them goodbye when the time comes...

[@mistergirlfriend]

not me rewatching this with a pen and paper taking notes LMAO. as an autistic person i struggle a lot when people ask about my "values" because i don't really know what they're saying. but the way you speak about it and explain them just made it click for me! i was laughing with you and learning from you the whole time i watched this, and am very grateful you took the time to put this video together for us. you really changed my perspective a lot with this one.

[@MrGewtman]

Thank you so much! My partner recently came out as Ace and it has been a struggle to navigate each other's needs and communicate our feelings towards each other. We recently decided to consciously put an end date on our romantic relationship then take some time apart and see where we are both at before continuing as friends. Coming to that decision has been very empowering for both of us and has allowed us to start really enjoying the limited time we have left together as partners.

[@BloodyBellyComb]

I never comment but your entire video just validated so much of how I've felt for a long time about love. Words cannot express my gratitude for you giving me the concept of Relationship Anarchy. I think that's how I've viewed relationships for a while, but rarely in my life, have I had people understand what I was talking about, so I've often felt alienated and alone in my thinking. Thanks to you, I now have a much better way of explaining my thoughts about love to those around me. Like you, I used to desperately want a soulmate. But I think what changed my entire perspective was an episode of the show "The Good Place", where a character said something like--"If soulmates are real, they are not found. They're made." The idea is that you find someone that you vibe or click with and you make the purposeful choice to choose them, to love them. Not because they complete you, but because you love them for who they are and you want them in your life. I think that follows what you were saying about choosing a love based on your own values, not because society tells you what you ought to value. To me, that's what love has become; a choice that I believe upholds my values and what makes me personally feel fulfilled. All this to say that I love this video and I will continue to think about it for a long time

[@KhadijaMbowe]

💕💕💕

[@pattyrut]

the way you describe your experience with love.... "I'm here, you're here," "open to giving, open to receiving," etc.... i didn't even know i needed someone to put these feelings into words, but now i'm unexpectedly feeling kinda validated and less isolated. so thank you😭

[@nicetryfeds737]

genuinely THANK you for this discussion, I think that the concept of relationship anarchy is something that everyone should at least be aware of and grapple with no matter what conclusion they eventually come to for what works in their own personal lives. Living life and cultivating relationships (romantic or otherwise) intentionally and with purpose is complicated, but we’re social creatures and the work is definitely worth it!

[@disneybunny45]

I'm of the opinion that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of potential "the ones" for every person. It all comes down to chance whether they will meet. And "the one" today could stop being "the one" tomorrow because love takes work. There will never be a day when you can stop working on your relationship and that's kinda romantic. You're actively choosing that person and making space in your life for them.

[@TanyaShanker]

One of my favorite movies is the 2010s classic (500) days of Summer. It deconstructs the concept of the "one" and how collectively obsessed with love we are as a society. The main character Tom, represents most of us who have grown up with the media dictated notion of romance and destiny but ultimately realises that it's up to him to figure out his own life and that no one can "complete" him. The pressure he puts on Summer seems justified in the beginning but we later realise that this pressure was the reason his partner, Summer left. I think it's a brilliant critique of modern day romance so I always love recommending it to people!

[@shardivine7]

Am so gonna watch thanks..summer days watching great movies just watched forever mine its pretty intense how being super in love can get someone killed.

[@nowhereman6019]

I've been watching a Stamford university lecture series about human behavioral biology by Professor Robert Sapolsky, and he says the evidence for "pair bonding" couples (two individuals who stick together for a while instead of just mating and leaving) shows that most relationships only last a few years, about the same amount of time as it takes for both to raise a child. The romantic love that you get early in in a relationship inevitably ends up withering away and is either replaced by a more comfort/safety kind of affection for the other, or the relationship ends. What Sapolsky calls this is "Serial Monogamy", where you have one partner for a while but then another later. This whole thing has gotten me very depressed (at least until the Adderall wears off). Society makes us believe that romantic love is everything, and that love lasts for a lifetime, but that almost never happens, and in fact goes against our biology. And I've been brought up with this expectation that I can find someone who I can deeply and passionately love, someone who will be a yin to my yang. But the fear of a relationship ending and the inevitable pain that comes with it has always terrified me. And the idea that we aren't even supposed to be together forever, that all love dies, makes it all seem so pointless and hopeless. "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." -C.S. Lewis

[@sarahnelson8836]

Reframe love as a choice and this all goes away. Love is about choosing to be with someone (attraction and preference does of course play a role here) but say you’ve dated someone for about two years (the amount of time it takes for the initial physical hormonal attraction to fade -though it’s definitely erroneous to say it entirely disappears, and interestingly there is evidence to suggest that there can be multiple “honeymoon” phases over the course of a long term relationship) but after two years (on average 1.75 years) that’s when the initial hormone blindness wears off and you really know the person and can see their flaws. Then you can decide to love them, because only then can you truly know them. Then if you keep good communication and deciding to love each other through all the phases and hormones of the relationship, then really you are in love the whole time. And the feeling of love might fluctuate in strength or quality, but the choice to love can be constant if you want it to be.

[@linagonia5653]

The end of something doesn't make something worthless. Love is just as mortal as us and helps us grow, whether we are into romantic relationships or not. We will all make a mark on the world, so does love in all its facets.

[@serazvi5387]

I'm with you. Doesn't help that I'm one of those people who wants what they want or nothing at all. So I'm just not even touching romance anymore. I've never understood why for so many people losing a partner is like breaking a bone when for me it's more like losing a limb, if that makes sense.

[@nowhereman6019]

@@serazvi5387 that is a great analogy.

[@ahuman5772]

I feel like that is also against the concept of "relationship anarchy" which was mentioned in the video - just replacing one type of relationship structure with another. I don't think this "evidence" really says much - it actually doesn't make much sense - it doesn't take "a couple of years" to raise a child, it takes at least two decades. Also, historically, multi-generational households are very common, nuclear families with two parents and a child or two are actually a new invention. I agree that romantic relationships shouldn't be placed to be the only goal in life for everyone, and serial monogamy might work for some, but personally, my relationship with my girlfriend has been only getting better and we have been dating for about 4 years now. We still have not had a child either, so "biology" would say we still have 20+ years to be together so we can raise our child! I think the issue is that people mix up infatuation and lust with love. I don't miss the beginning stages of our relationship where I felt nervous and less comfortable. Our relationship is still exciting because we do fun things together. We also find joy in hobbies and such instead of seeking entertainment only from each other. I also used to stress about "all relationships ending" but I just needed to find another person who wants to be deeply attached. Some people are more suited to serial monogamy, some are more closely bonded together. I think about it like this - am I bored of my brother or my parents just because I have known them basically all my life? No! So there is no reason I would get bored of my partner. You are right that things get less intense and more comfortable, I was worried about that too, but it is not love to feel nervous holding hands or get butterflies at hugging. Love doesn't die, you just don't get nervous about stuff like this anymore.

[@beatingthebinary]

I’m loving all of the positive energy for separate bedrooms here! My nesting partner and I have always had separate rooms when we’ve lived together, and it’s helpful on multiple fronts - we’re polyamorous, we have super different sleep schedules, and she works from home so her room is also partially her office. I like that it means we get to actively welcome each other into our specific personal spaces - yes, please, come in - rather than just automatically being in each other’s space all the time at home. I’ve been with her for over ten and a half years now, so I’d say it’s working pretty well.

[@raph8986]

Wow I love that, welcoming them in rather than just being together all the time. Makes it feel intentional

[@themtouchinmykokoro2869]

I think we’re forgetting that the insecurity in all of this. The reason why we don’t want to view past relationships as meaningful because it would have to be the admission of being wrong and finding that certain part of your that you don’t/didn’t like and trying to work on it. Prolonging the inevitable end is doing so. I found out how deep inauthenticity goes and how deep it can damage a relationship. The insecurity and ownership are both sides of the same coin. Commitment won’t secure a relationship but the insecurity tells you that nothing meaningful doesn’t have longevity. Trying to “make things work” is a better alternative to being alone and what that represents for the individual, when it comes to insecurity. Insecurity feeds on constant validation and acceptance, therefore needs a person or partner there at all times.

[@Tthomasia1]

I think dating is a big source of validation for many of us. So if you’re rejected, your relationship ends or you don’t hit certain bench marks it may feel like a personal failure. I’m currently working through how to feel safe, valued and fulfilled by a romantic connection without being overbearing or possessive.

[@karencanan2701]

I literally love this video. The part that sums it up for me is when you say "I don't think I'm that special." It's humbling, to realize that when we think we're giving someone else a gift of thinking they are the only special person on the planet, and by doing that we are implying that we are the only special person on the planet.

[@DieezahArts]

To me, love is about caring so much about someone other than yourself that you truly want for them whatever is going to make them happy and fulfilled, even is that "whatever" has to be found outside of your involvement and presence in their life. If you care more about them being in your life than you care about their happiness, that's not really love. That's possession. Trusting the other enough to believe they also love you enough to come back to you if your happiness is more complete with them in your life is a powerful way to show true love...

[@danikim235]

Wow, it really resonated with me! I've always had a rebellious streak and don't want marriage or kids, nor do I believe in "the one" and "happily ever after". Though unfortunately, I did get into the trap of sunk-cost fallacy and spent 6 years with a toxic and emotionally abusive person who constantly crossed my boundaries. It taught me that it's better to be single than in a relationship just for the sake of that relationship. I won't settle for anyone that doesn't respect me for who I am and with whom I don't feel completely safe.

[@mqwmrouge]

It's also a cultural thing. In the US from what I've heard couples are expected to marry young, after dating for a year or so. In my country if I were to marry someone (keep in mind that I'm in my twenties) after being with them for a year or two, people would think either that I'm super religious or that I'm pregnant. To us is really shocking to hear that 17, 18 or 19 year olds are married.

[@sarahnelson8836]

Depends on where you are in the US … where I am we’d see that and think like you 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@SimplySelicia]

I felt like for the longest time I was in this cycle of wanting a relationship, but not feeling up to the work. I blamed it on not liking the way dating is done with social media, not being a conventional choice, not having time, etc. Which, of course, these are factors, but they aren't as loud as the fact that I needed to sit down and be honest with myself that out of all the things I was listing in my head it was really just all leading to the fact that I wanted connection. It didn't have to be romantic. It didn't have to be familial. It didn't have to be friendly. I was missing connection to myself, and stability for myself, and without that I was not fully receiving the love and connection other people in my life had been trying to give me. It was a while after I got to the other side of it all when I finally accepted that I was out of an abusive relationship and so far from myself. I seriously thought that relationship was my last chance at "being something" and "doing something with my life" because so many other things weren't working out. So I ended up throwing so much of myself away, and turning the other way to the reality that that relationship was terrible for both of us. This concept that falls in line with a lot of media as well that like just being in a relationship can save people or make things better. Which is wild right? People trying to do better can help each other get to a better place, sure, but that wasn't what I was doing. Keeping up appearances can really wear you down. So staring from scratch is a huge deal for me. Having a space where I can sus out if I am trying to keep up an appearance OR am I being authentic to myself? __ Loving the content as always! Excited to get into that first episode of that podcast too! (Also, absolutely in love with Everything Everywhere All At Once, I was a MESS)

[@ilanag6096]

I agree with 95% of this, but I'd like to add kink to the conversation. Kink-based relationships might actually fall into the definition of relationship anarchy--people forge their relationship based on their expectations/desires. The 5% I disagree with: some people genuinely desire to be owned and require at least the aesthetic of ownership to feel fulfilled. Not in a socially acceptable way, in a "I'll wear your collar" way. It's what they need.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

ahhhhh, see I didn't even THINK about kink in this conversation so thank you for adding this 💕

[@samsprague3158]

I think the type of possession Khadija was talking about is almost always non consensual, because the desire for it and feeling of it and expectation of it come from culturally conditioned norms, rather than an explicit conversation between the people involved. If those desires and expectations ARE verbalized and agreed on that’s great. But the people on the Ultimatum and way too many people who think that way just have these unexamined interpretations of what society values, then project that on their partner, often as a moral judgement. Then they get scared to talk about it at all lest they out themself as a social deviant, or worse, their partner does. As usual, what makes possession work in kink is communication, which Khadija did highlight well outside a kink context. Still, it’s important not to accidentally throw good people under the bus with imprecise language, so I do like your clarification.

[@Lill2895]

That's a really interesting perspective. The issue with those types of relationships are more complex because there are a lot of fetishes that are just plain unhealthy or immoral (being attracted to children or getting off on playing in feces). So defining what is and isn't okay is a big blur even in the consensual kink-based ones. It's compulsive for both persons involved and they'll seek it out regardless.

[@stellaw3682]

@@Lill2895 i mean i would say it‘s unhealthy to play with human excretions, but immoral?

[@mikeymullins5305]

somebody hasn’t done their reading. first off, most kinksters, even those who do age play wouldn’t actually molest a child. And in the event that they do, i would rather someone pretend to molest a child with an adult than the real thing, wouldn’t you? second, kink is not compulsive. you describe it as almost toxic exes seeking each other out. And while some people do use kink as that kind of thing, i wouldn’t say that it’s the norm. While some kinks can be intense, there are procedures to keep people safe, just like any risky activity. There are rules to race car races, even though it’s a terribly dangerous sport, and people are generally safe. third, i don’t know much about scat play, but there are ways you can avoid contamination. gloves come to mind. don’t police consenting adults relationships.

[@TheBookofBeasts]

I have been with my partner for 20 years, we have separate bedrooms (we shared a bedroom for awhile) and I would never be into marriage, or having a child through my own body. Plus he doesn’t date, but I date women. A relationship can look like anything, even a heterosexual one, well one of us is heterosexual. 🙂

[@heavenly2k]

Its always a red haired femme that likes occult stuff that has an unconventional relationship 😂 no shade, I'm very happy for you. 💛

[@TheBookofBeasts]

@@heavenly2k Gotta live up to the stereotype! 😂

[@LeahLela]

I really enjoyed this analysis/discussion on relationships. Myself and my friend group are always talking about how we think a lot of the general populations problem with relationships as a whole is that they don't really value them, (specifically platonic relationships). People get this thought in their head that romantic love is the "superior" or most important form of love. And as a result of this they miss out on (see: ignore) the abundance of love that is already around them, or that /could/ be around them in the form of non-romantic love. Romantic love is great and if you have that definitely enjoy it, but don't completely disregard the other forms of love around you. I think the discussions I have with my friends and the concept of relationship anarchy could mesh together really well, because at the end of the day they're very parallel in the base values/views on relationships. Anyway, thanks for this video. I might have to put this on the next time I'm with my little pod of friends and after it's over be like "Thoughts? Additions?" lol

[@frostfang1]

I think moreso people just don't have that platonic love around them and it's easier to find and invest in romantic love, one person, than it is to find the line of just enough investment and vulnerability in a platonic love and friendship, and especially easier than developing a solid friend group

[@Laura-gd4ku]

@@frostfang1 You are right! Building meaningfull deep friendships is a lot of work especially if you are not lucky enough to still be close and have a good basis with your childhood friends. When I grew older I realized that I have nothing in common with my childhood friends and over college these friendships ended, so I had to build new friendships and for the first time I really had to put myself out there and let them see who I really was and be vulnerable. Thats a lot of work and it requires some courage to open up about yourself to others in that way, but thats where a real connection starts.

[@LeahLela]

@@Laura-gd4ku @Poi Lethe Yes making friends is hard, never said it wasn't. I was speaking more on the way a lot of people view platonic relationships vs romantic ones. I mentioned the love that is or /could/ be around people, but that doesn't mean it is there for everyone. Regardless, the same importance that is placed on romantic relationships isn't placed on platonic relationships. That's all I was trying to say here. But thank you for adding to my comment because it seems I wasn't as clear as I thought I was.

[@jadibdraws]

I always felt that if I ever get married that I would also want separate rooms. I very much believe having your own space is so important. We know it's important and all other aspects of life but for some reason it doesn't translate over into romantic relationships because of tradition.

[@Vgreen101]

I just can't help but get excited for the analysis of it all. You see a show, a trend, a pop of culture if you will.. And that's it. Bih let's talk about it. Let's really get into the influence. Thank you Khadija

[@hazelm3002]

When u started singing dont even fry, a light switched in my brain and I was thinking where do I know this from. A quick search and pixel perfect pops up. Memories

[@dontmicrowavecats]

I got so excited I am commenting before I finish the video so I don't know if you mention it or not but, I just wanted to say: Amatonormativity :) The term was coined by Elizabeth Brake, "the widespread assumption is that everyone is better off in an exclusive, romantic, long-term coupled relationship, and that everyone is seeking such a relationship." Aspec communities have been talking about forever, and I am so glad to see more content on this recently. We need to have more conversations about QPRs, nonmonogamy and RA in general!

[@kckniazeva5484]

I really recommend you do some research into the concept of amatonormativity - the idea that everyone wants and needs a romantic relationship and that a monogamous long-term relationship is the end goal for everyone. It also dictates what relationships are meant to look like and what milestones people are supposed to reach when (first kiss, relationship, sex, marriage). It's highly relevant to the ideas in this video. I loved this video by the way!

[@Snowbird5779]

As someone who didn't intend to get married, but did and is now also in a poly relationship, the concept of relationship anarchy spoke to me so much. Your relationships can be anything you and your partner want them to be. And that counts for every relationship, even friendships

[@zamodia19]

Great video! I thought about watching this series, but I'm glad I skipped. I think I've always been scared of being in a relationship because I don't want my whole persona to be defined by someone. All the people around me have been in relationships where their significant others just take up 90% of their brain and it's just so unhealthy (and exhausting). I want to be me, and if I find someone who is compatible with me and is a small part of who I am, that's fine. We have a really good saying in Spanish that says "juntos pero no revueltos", which translates to "together, but not scrambled" (lol)

[@hellolove5613]

I love that idea that freedom is to be without fear. I constantly tell my daughter when she’s worried about her relationships with others “don’t be scared, be fearless, be brave.” You’ll never experience the really great stuff if you let fear drive you.

[@yasmin985]

i dont know yalls situation obviously but i felt the need to add that maybe some of her worries are worth inspecting and communicating with those people, that might loosen the fear more effectively than just saying dont be scared

[@Lill2895]

I don't think monogamous relationships are weird. I think people make a basic concept of just one of many relationship types weird. Measuring a person's value based on whether or not they are single or monogamous is weird and screams projection and insecurity. As a hetero Black woman, I hear other straight people say, to girls and women more than anybody else, that being single means someone is uncared for, lonely, miserable, nobody wants them. In reality, a lot of people just don't want to settle like their parents or friends that are boo'd up and can't stand their partner's. I'm 27 now and have been in a relationship for several years, but it's very annoying to have people pressure you for marriage or kids since college. It's worse coming from a partner when y'all are in your early or mid 20s. I had no desire to be a 22 year old mother or wife (marriage effects finances including credit scores as well as other paperwork), and I have no desire to be a 27 year old mother or wife. I want to be a mother one day but certainly not by tomorrow or next week. This show is essentially saying either you choose me or you choose yourself. I'm gonna choose me every time until children come into the picture lol I have so many doors open because I've chosen to focus on bettering myself so future children I have and/or foster won't have to worry about bills and having food and clothes. Love my bf but he matured into truly understanding what viewing each other as the world actually means and it's super dependent and toxic. I spent my childhood taking care of other people's children and seeing my parents that had no business being married so young. Our brains don't finish with puberty and development until 25. Rushing to be married is something that should remain in the past. Set your boundaries and stick to them. There's always going to be someone who wants or has the same things you do.

[@hrhsophiathefirst4060]

I proposed separate bedrooms to my hubby mainly since we were opposite sleepers. He like is cold, no covers I like it warm and layered like a cocoon. I like to read in bed, he hates when I do that. Suffice to say we did not do it but we are still together 16 years in but I still want my own bedroom!

[@sloanethefullygrown5086]

Relationship anarchy sounds like such a powerful idea. I as a queer person have been practicing my own little anarcho-nihilist viewpoint with personal identity, as I am very much an "unlabeled" person. Though doing a similar thing with relationships felt so foreign because I felt as though I would be overstepping. But the idea of just allowing yourself and your partner or partners to unabashedly exist without having to split their focus from their greater good to our greater good is so freeing. I don't want to be controlled, so why do I expect a partner, a person, to be controlled? Also I'm gonna explain my approach with my identity because it's been super freeing to me and I like to talk about it. I went from being a cis gay man to a homosexual gender fluid person to a trans femme bi person to where I am now. I felt as though I was putting immense pressure on myself to find the right way to exist outside of heteronormativity. The proper way to break free. Then I realized, none of the words I choose for me are helping. None of the labels that I feel constricted in define me any more than a name. It doesn't matter to me (although I 100% respect others labels and such) what I am. It matters that I exist as me, because I cannot be anyone else.

[@solarmoth4628]

Auntie Khadija definitely has me thinking deeply about relationships. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship before because I always feel as though i’m not ready. I really want to know who I am outside of a relationship before I share that with someone else. It feels weird in college where most of friends have dated at least a couple of people. Also where is Khadija’s top from? I desire it immensely.

[@komiaribs8269]

Another student here who has never dated! And I'm glad about it because as you said, I've been able to grow into myself and learn who I am and who I want to be (and who I would like to maybe be with) in peace and at my own pace, even though I have felt pressure (and longing!) to find a partner(s). But I don't feel that pressure anymore, which I imagine is because this has been the way for me to find my independence and happiness with myself. Still, I would be very glad to have romance in my life and I'm actually quite a flirty personality. But, nobody in my circle has shown interest and as I'm not pressed about it, I don't use dating apps. Candle-lit dinners with platonic friends are also a valid way to feel and give love

[@sarahwatts7152]

I did something similar, never regretted it. Go you!

[@harkavianbalvis6623]

Really just in the comments to find fellow top-appreciators.

[@mekko902]

I didn't start dating until after college. Not because I didn't want to, in fact I wanted it so badly! However, I'm sooooo grateful I didn't start that period of my life until I was actually ready. I knew my body and what made me happy, I was able to keep and maintain boundaries, and I knew I could be happy when single. Dating's still had its rough parts, and I've made some dumb decisions, but I've never been afraid to be single (it's not alone when you have community), as I know I'd always rather be single than in an unhappy relationship.

[@Lunareon]

Thank you for putting all these strange and unrealistic expectations for especially romantic relationships into words. The sunk cost fallacy -thinking makes no sense, because you always learn something about _yourself_ in each relationship.

[@mothictobes]

im in an openly platonic relationship with my friend of 5 years and having dated them in the past. I feel as though this is the best choice for me. im demiromantic and not really interested in romance and marriage. it's honestly been one of the greatest experiences ever and i love how free it is. i want people to know that having intimacy and doing "romantic" things like kissing and cuddling don't have to be in a romantic setting. in fact it doesn't have to be romantic at all. hell yeah, kiss your best friend

[@MiillieMesh]

This might be a concept I'm into 😏 but I dont think I would know how not to want someone more than a friend & not be possessive lol

[@mothictobes]

@@MiillieMesh it takes time to learn it! id recommend playing around with the idea with a friend that's willing to and stuff!

[@MariW32]

This is a concept that I really like.. I've just been struggling with finding someone open to that sort of arrangement. I'm still holding out some kind of hope for it. Because I do think a platonic relationship is .. the best for me considering how .. disinterested I am in the pressures that can come from operating in a 'romantic' way.

[@amentrison2794]

What kind of romantic behaviours aren't included in this relationship?/gen

[@rosedalinevaletine6931]

Cuddling, yes, but kissing? Tongue and everything? That’s a solid no.

[@tempbauer2131]

I haven’t heard that quote but I love it! Very recently my daughter (16) and I just had a conversation about violent partners. And while I definitely think one probably should get away from a violent partner, when she said “you can’t be violent to someone you love” I was like, “Well.......” She was really surprised to learn that I think one can love someone and be violent with that person. It’s not a healthy relationship but you can be in relationships that aren’t healthy without violence. Kids, don’t stay in a violent relationship! I’m not pro your partner kicking your ass

[@KrashyKharma]

The conviction with which you sang "Sacredy and the sunk cost fallacy" is inspiring

[@goblin3359]

Thank you SO much for this video. You've articulated so much of what I find frustrating about mainstream ideas of love and intimacy. The rush to the altar is such a huge social pressure, and I think that people crave the validation and sense of security that being married or 'locked' into a long-term monogamous relationship brings. I really appreciate that you mentioned your friend's parents had separate bedrooms for their whole relationship. I've been with my partner for 13 years and we've always had our own rooms. It give us our own space, so when we spend time together it's not out of a sense of obligation.

[@lumirueluv]

I really appreciated your thoughts on this! I'll have to check out the manifesto, I haven't thought about relationship anarchy since I discovered it briefly in college and it seems like a good time to rethink about it. Beautiful video

[@Colourbee]

I never wanted "the one" I came to my own conclusion very early on in my life that what I want is "Some one to be alone with together" if that makes sense... like friends with benefits but you live together and only sleep together. Like a relationship but not clingy and without kids and what not. I like my space and alone time just as much. But I also don't feel like living alone forever (I'm also sadly not aro or ace so I can't help but fall in love and all that :'D ). I have that partner now and it's the best

[@devonthedryad61]

Thank you so much for talking about this. It's really cleared my head, and I'm so happy that more people see relationships in this kind of way, because most people I speak to have a really traditional mindset. I'd like to love more freely and to give myself the space to be my own person, instead of being 'someone's'.

[@Blanket_Kid]

An extremely resonant essay in these times, especially when the ideas of polyamory, relationship anarchy, and the pervasive nature of anatonormativity is brought up. A truly enjoyable watch, and I am so happy that I didn't watch the ultimatum but got the tea from you because I think I would've cried having to go through that, lol. Thanks so much, Khadija!!!

[@fran2815]

i had a full on breakdown on my most recent birthday on my way to a small dinner with two people who love me unconditionally. i have never been loved that way before. i have always performed, always served, always suffered just to be rewarded with care. that night, I had to take a moment to rest against a nearby wall outside my friend's apartment to consider whether or not I could even sit down at that dinner, whether or not I could accept their love, whether or not I could even believe it was real. as beautiful as unconditional love is, shit makes you really examine yourself! like damn why don't i believe I am essentially worthy of love? how do i love someone if i'm not serving/suffering/performing for them? how do i assess my worth as a partner if I don't have to work for attention or care? as Alyssa Edwards put it "what the fuck is going on in here on this day?"

[@mikesouterpeace]

i really liked this discussion. as i’m getting older i’m actually looking more into fleshing out topics like love and intimacy instead of navigating these realms intuitively as i haven’t always had the best examples. i love this kind of content ♥️

[@shananananara]

OMG All About Love is one of my favorite books and it changed my life. It made me so happy to hear someone else reference it! Thanks for your videos

[@microwavebrain1035]

As an aromantic person I’ve never been more confused about what the hell romance even is and why people do this kind of self harm

[@sigilsonny7701]

I'm confused about the self harm part explain 🤔

[@InvisibleRen]

Same.

[@trashpanda9443]

I justify the self harm by telling myself that in the end it’s better to have loved and lost in love than to have never loved at all. & I’ve never come out of a heartbreak feeling like all of the positive memories, emotions, etc. were not worth it.

[@sojabursche]

Romantic relationships are: Unrealistic expectations that you are obligated to full fill by societal standards, that societal pressure is trying to force you to exceed at all times and if you don’t, they will label you a failure. There is no room for a lot of diversity in romantic relationships as society as a whole see them. So to renounce any and all claims society puts on you and your relationship is best to avoid issues. Through that you make clear that you will not let society control you and that they have no right to your relationship. I have been in a happy relationship for 9 out of 10 of those years, the first year almost ended us as we almost broke under societies pressure and the expectations they put on us. And we did end the relationship we have had up until that point in in favour of a self determined relationship where only what we want and agree on matters, and where we are open to renegotiation of the relationship parameters at any time. That way society can’t hurt us with their bullshit.

[@Jo-tv6sj]

cool comment, bad choice of words. as someone who's actually self-harmed, it feels like you're making a joke out of that painful coping mechanism, and i'd really appreciate it if you changed that. a relationship is not self-harm, maybe self-disrespect if it's an unhealthy one. - from a fellow gray on the aro and ace spectrum

[@dascha6278]

This episode made me think and understand a lot about my relationships, especially the current complicated one. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, it really helped me a lot. Keep doing your lovely videos 😘

[@omoid1749]

I think a lot of people are just afraid to ask about these things. Reality is as reality does to them, and they have no desire to make sense of it much less define it

[@madatedeus]

Really love that the videos are longer now! Definitely gives you more room to be more reflective about the topics you wanna talk about and more time to sing about "sacrity" 💀💀💀💀💀

[@mars9986]

I have always said I wanted my own bedroom in a marriage. Its just nice to be able to have your own space, not share the closet and sleep in an X shape while drooling like a bulldog. I find that most people get into dedicated relationships and meld themselves into a half-baked compromise where each party changes so much of themselves just to appease the other, ultimately leading to both parties being unsatisfied.

[@DMAnemone]

I don't think I've ever watched a video of yours that didn't make me feel better about myself. I've been grappling with my identity with regards to aromanticism vs romanticism and relationship anarchy sounds like exactly what I need to be reading about right now. Thank you so much for making this video, I may not have found relationship anarchy without you.

[@Isabelacooks]

Such a comforting viewpoint to hear vocalized. I really respect your ability to put into words these introspections on love.

[@badraster7909]

This is beautiful, Khadija! Thank you for putting this out there, goodness knows we all need it. I just wanted to note that this confusion of love and possession that happens in most of us on some level is also an inextricable part of abuse in relationships. We should all learn to recognize possession as a fallacy so we don’t commit abuse or fall prey to it as easily.

[@asterismos5451]

I don't think there's backlash against sex positivity but rather against amatonormativity. The idea that we have to want sex/romance and that they are everything important is being fought, not the idea that people can have and enjoy sex if they want without it being shameful.

[@sacrificetheginger]

This felt all really good to hear because I'm currently going through a breakup and have been reflecting a lot, and have realized that I need to do a bit more introspection and revisit my boundaries and values, plus kinda figure out who I am and what I want again. Imma probably re-watch this video in a few months tbh because it was so good and see if anything's changed with myself!! :]

[@justadolphin8932]

this video almost made me cry! the discussion about relationship anarchy and the somewhat optimistic conclusion to nihilism was so comforting to me. thank you for this video :)

[@vivianstrange]

You have no idea how much it means to hear an influential voice like yours validate and endorse relationship anarchy! I realized at an early age that relationships were all arbitrary and fluid and independent from each other; there's no "right way" to have any sort of relationship, there's as many unique interpersonal relationships as there are combinations of two or more people, that sort of thing. I'd always been made to feel weird and fringe about it from the people around me, but it brings me such joy to see more and more people introduce anarchy as a valid way of engaging in human relationships! :)

[@sunsp.t]

Yes! Relationship institutions have historically been commerce-based agreements codified through religion, but we’re at a point in history where we’re opening up the whole way relationships work, and there’s a lot of power dynamics to unlearn. I’ve been single af for years, but have radically changed my perspective during that time into something that feels healthier and much more tied to the way life actually moves & functions. In-depth analysis like these are always helpful.

[@Doctor-Infinite]

commenting to appease the algorithm gods this looks like it’s gonna be another banger

[@shark_attack333]

As a cupioromantic person, I love this video! The idea of defining my values in relationships and then communicating what those values are sounds wonderful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Khadija!!

[@selenagomez2504]

I’ve never heard of romance anarchism before this and it’s so freeing I’ve been questioning a lot lately of whether I’m aromantic, and the way it puts emphasis on figuring out what you want and defining things for yourselves actually makes romance seem appealing.

[@linaw8006]

My grandparents have always watched tv separately as long as I can remember (in the evening, but also during the day at times). My grandpa always sits in the living room and then my grandma has her own tv in another small room. People always find it weird when I tell them that, but if you think about it: if you spend every single day together, isn't it normal and healthy to also have your own space and watch tv alone? This video really made me realize that its not that weird at all, but a way for them to give eachother space

[@linaw8006]

Okay jokes on me, I found out that they apparently watch tv separately because of practical reasons: they don't like the same shows etc and my grandfather likes the volume a lot lower than my grandmother

[@banquetoftheleviathan1404]

Seeing someone else have these thoughts is very validating. Most therapists would be lost on the stuff you talk about cuz you are on the level of what id really want from a therapist. Very few have answers to how to move on after we ruin illusions for ourselves. Both this and death anxiety which you have also talked about are good examples of where that happens.

[@imtime22]

I love your capacity to extrapolate real in depth connections and communicate them from the societal surface