Lady Bird, Fences, and Why You Don't Need to Forgive Your Parents

In this video I explore the themes that Lady Bird and Fences present, the main one being complicated relationships between children and their parents, and try to answer the question of why parent and child relationships become strained, and how parents can do better, and in Troy's words - right - by their children.
*Intro*
Why don’t you like me? Scene comparison 0:00
Call to action/please like and comment! 3:27
*Fences*
Fences Breakdown and Themes 4:27
The Passing Down of Trauma/Breaking the cycle of abuse 9:31
*Lady Bird*
Lady Bird Breakdown and Themes 13:31
Dealing with immature parents 16:45
*Conversation about Themes and Parenting*
The Consequences of Intergenerational Trauma 19:36
“Do this right now” and shows of parental power 21:22
Age Bias and Guilt 24:10
What does good parenting look like? And Freaky Friday 28:43
Gratitude and Privacy 29:11
Stop trying to read your kid’s diary 30:45
Losing yourself in your child/FIND A HOBBY 31:33
You don’t need to forgive your parents! 33:46
Divest from labels 34:52
The Fear of Turning Into Your Parents 36:56
Final thoughts/Outro 38:50
Next video will be on Friday March 12th about Asian Oscar Bait or movies with Asian casts and settings used to win white people Oscar gold.
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[@poposterous236]

"Mom I want love and respect" "We have love and respect at home" Love and respect at home:

[@CheyenneLin]

😂😂

[@justnabi3514]

Bahaha

[@eggboye5346]

LMAOOO this cracks me up

[@notwerkinginthishouse8634]

@@eggboye5346 the most damaging thing is that they think you should earn it, like its my fault that they should take care of me when that is what they should do, child isn't supposed to be a must , its supposed to be about love...they chose to have children , i didn't ask to be born

[@ElloLoJo]

This is probably the best use of this meme I’ve seen. Bow down

[@icedcashewmilklatte]

parents = i feed you, i clothe you, i house you kids = yeah that’s like the whole point...

[@cnstqnce2841]

i didnt choose to be born.

[@PhoenixRising87]

What do you want, a medal? You're supposed to do those things for your kids! Buncha low-expectations-having...

[@dreamyanon5151]

@@PhoenixRising87 and then they say something like I could've neglected you and left you on the streets.

[@abracadaverous]

It always amazes me how many parents expect mountains of gratitude and undying loyalty for having done the absolute bare minimum required of them. Congratulations, you phoned it in!

[@FreyaEinde]

I used to say " it's not my fault your pull out method was weak." I'd have to run afterwards but it was worth it.

[@angelabaptist2943]

It's always "forgive your parents" but never "apologize to your children"

[@quirkyblackenby]

Right? How can I forgive them if they’ve never apologized?

[@lilinectar4045]

@@unluckyomens370 leave them if you're old enough.

[@unluckyomens370]

@@lilinectar4045 i dont make enough money im working on stuff with my mom for now but i think im just gonna keep my dad at arms length

[@lemsip207]

I didn't like the end message of reconciling with an abusive parent even though her mother did move forward. There are bound to be clashes between Marion and Ladybird in the future and Marion using a simple request as an excuse to berate Ladybird. In assertiveness classes we learn to ask requests without bringing in insults. I also hated that Ladybird reverted to using her birth name, Christine, once she was at university. She called herself Ladybird for a reason while at school so why shouldn't she keep it.

[@miseendriste6337]

Watch everything everywhere all at once!!!

[@puck2470]

When people say "Life's too short not to forgive your family", I say "life is too short to put up with that harmful bullshit"

[@bendingbananas6540]

"LiFe iS tOO shOrt tO nOt fOrgiVe yOur FamIly" gosh..

[@newtoatheism5968]

Good on you

[@brianmagee6595]

I say both

[@darkvioletskull]

And we can forgive and still distance ourselves. “Family” or not.

[@DieAlteistwiederda]

If someone is toxic cut them out especially if they are your family.

[@revelation4311]

it sucks when everyone guilt trips you into “forgiving” your parents for acting like this because they’re “still your parents.”

[@Pomoscorzo]

Of course. Nobody wants to put up with your parents either, they want you to carry the burden. Also, it feels so good to make someone feel guilty about something they have not experienced themselves.

[@2dcrazy80]

I also heard of the "be grateful your dad was around" when really I hated being at home with him and was thankful to have school as an escape from home.

[@revelation4311]

@@2dcrazy80 same. i would wish more than anything that he wasn’t there :/

[@kalina5076]

The worst thing is if you are the one conflicted about forgiving your own parents . Even if my family had a rough start as immigrants we have been doing good enough to come by and even afford some luxuries like vacation trips to other countries and some technology. But even with that there still is the years filled with physical abuse (thankfully it almost completely disappeared when my brother was born and i became a teenager) and lots of mental abuse: yelling, insults, gaslighting, manipulation. But seeing your own parents working themselves off to not plunge into poverty and keep the family financially stable and the year long classic guilt tripping of being called ungrateful for not wanting be their caretakers and help them out in the future really messes with your mind. Which is why I am so conflicted with forgiving my mother who went through so many things, but does that excuse her to treat her children born to be caretakers badly?

[@Pomoscorzo]

@@kalina5076 Parents need their children as much as children need their parents. It's that many parents hate to admit it.

[@anotherone8941]

"the purpose of a kid is not to fill their parent's emotional gaps" THIS

[@TheLily97232]

My grandmother did so with her children I feel like. And my mom kind of tries to do so too but not openly

[@SomethingNewAMBW]

AMEN!

[@banquetoftheleviathan1404]

My ex a literally had a kid because the doctors told her that she should not try to have kids due to her muscular dystrophy so she literally went out of her fucking way to have a kid that was going to be born unhealthy just approve that she could have a kid that is so fucked up and yet I understand it completely

[@ampoo1451]

Yeez i know a friend who has a child who does this. It is very sad to watch. She's planning to have more kids. I asked her why do u want to have more kids? Bc u don't have a job or enough money to support your baby. She answered " i don't know I just want to have many kids " -_-

[@sydneyradig2589]

what emotionally abusive parents say to their kids: you don't respect me so why should I respect you. what they actually mean: you don't treat me like an all-powerful authority so I won't treat you like a person.

[@AngstyRat]

This honestly applies to teachers aswell, I know the topic discussed here is parents but honestly I feel like a lot of teachers act like this too

[@hi-oh5up]

Exactly

[@theanonartist7985]

the excuse of “oh teenagers so dramatic and hates their parents” is a very harmful stereotype that is way too common teenagers is when kids stop being a toy that their parents can dress up and take their accomplishments as their own and when they stop blindly thinking they’re good and a lot of the time realizing that they are abusive

[@taehyungoppa7208]

YESSSSSS!! PREACH

[@bendingbananas6540]

Yes honestly, now that im a teen, im starting to wonder how many of these "moody disrespectful teen" trope are either because the teen is a natural born brat or if their actually hurting deep down because their relationship with their parents just dont click :( or rather the parents arent clicking at all -_-

[@lina.7954]

@@bendingbananas6540 I send you hugs. It gets better I swear ♥

[@henryahoy]

I've heard people say "if your teenager doesn't hate you you're not doing your job right", that is a terrible, terrible approach to a relationship with anyone and is very convenient to parents who fail to keep a loving, trusting relationship with their children

[@keithalmoite5935]

Honestly. As a kid I never really knew my parents because they went to a different, so they don’t know me as well too. I just recently realised this. They treated me like I’m a child, like my dad got mad at me because I didn’t act happy, that I have other emotions other then happiness, my mum degrades my choices, and how I dress and present myself and every adult around me, not just my parents mind you, questioned my choices and the career path I wanted to take.

[@saskiakraft]

If you don‘t like your child you shouldn‘t be surprised if they dont like you back

[@crow2695]

exaxtly. same goes for respect imo

[@AJ-cq5pw]

That part!

[@crow2695]

@@JordanSmith-zz6vj they're parents, no? thats what they're SUPPOSED to do.

[@elenav.5470]

@@JordanSmith-zz6vj i get what you’re saying, my parents have told me i’m not owed anything many times... but dude, they chose to have you, right? maybe they didn’t have to take care of you in the sense that they were forced or were legally obligated, but they had a responsibility and a duty to you as parents, and even more than just basic needs a duty to love. this duty isn’t always fulfilled, in fact most of the time it isn’t, but it’s a truth; they chose to put you into this world, you didn’t.

[@user-pi8pi3wj7h]

@@JordanSmith-zz6vj Parents owe their children love and respect. They brought them into this world. Love and respect are the bare minimum

[@make_it_aesthetic]

This is why I appreciated Matilda so much. It showed that if a child isn't happy with their family, they have the right to seek happiness. You don't have to cage yourself to toxic individuals, even if they're blood related or gave birth to you.

[@bookwormboy3104]

Oh my word! "Matilda" is wonderful! The entire story is really about abuse. Mental and physical. But it's told in such a whimsical way so kids could understand and relate to it without it giving them PTSD flashbacks. It's a masterpiece everyone should read. It gives readers who were abused hope and relatability. And it gives readers who grew up in stable households a glimpse into the lives of others so that they might show compassion to their less than fortunate fellow men. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

[@xenathornburg2416]

I love Matilda, but my toxic ass adoptive family doesn't.

[@justanotherweirdo11]

Matilda is amazing.

[@anima6035]

@@xenathornburg2416 hold onto that, it speaks volumes x

[@kittyykatie]

Matilda is my coming of age film!

[@python3416]

If your worst fear is turning out like your parent then they are abusive

[@myasmith1820]

I needed to see this.........

[@serenitybowers6422]

Oh

[@Jacklyn-zb6fl]

Damn

[@santostracey93]

It’s even worse if you’re named after your POS parent, fearing that your actions are just a repeat of their actions. Or any success that you got for yourself that they didn’t earn themselves carries onto them because you both share the same name.

[@gloriaogara]

oh

[@motorcitymangababe]

"I love you but i dont like you" is probably one of the most damaging things my parents ever said to me. It basically reduces an important emotional bond into an obligation. And guess what? No one is obligated to be in my life so if you dont like me theres the door. Took my parents 3 years to learn that.

[@newtoatheism5968]

I got that all the time from my mother and her abusive boyfriend

[@dialecticsjunkie7653]

I agree with you here, but I do like the version of the line that's given from the father in Fleabag: "I love you, but I'm not sure that I like you all the time." I think that's kind of acknowledging that it's normal to sometimes feel really negative emotions about people that you love, without diminishing that love.

[@drumnbasskim]

👏

[@cinferbear2408]

That’s literally what my cousin says to her 3 kids all the time- Not only that but she says that whenever her 6 year old daughter is misbehaving it’s “ugly” and she doesn’t want to be “ugly”

[@JJ-jh5tn]

omg 😲 me to

[@samantharuiz3518]

I don’t know why people think that just because you clothe, feed, and shelter your child that you’re a perfect parent. That’s the bare minimum. That’s just keeping your kids alive

[@zainabmejja9936]

@Cenestpasmapersonnalité Damn. You're right.

[@missserenity1090]

That’s literally legally required

[@Someone-or8tp]

I had to do enact a couple play scenes in my Drama GCSE and me and my group chose this play called Gwen and Gwen. The main character, Gwen, went to a Home in order to stabilise herself after her husband cheated on her, bled her dry of all her money and left her with the kids, whom she (presumably) took her anger out on in an abusive way. The play itself followed Gwen and an idealised version of herself, Gwen 2, who chastised her for being unable to recover immediately upon leaving the Mental Home and when she starts moving into an apartment, her mother (who was also highly abusive to Gwen) comes in to help and honestly, the relationship between them was so powerful to me. Gwen 2, as the idealised version of Gwen, is fully able to speak out against her mother. She talks shit about her and gives the audience background about how her mother told Gwen not to marry her ex-husband and then when she turned to her mother, her mother basically shamed her for not following her instructions, claiming that she was probably a bad wife and deserved to be hit by him. Her mother even says during the scene that men cheat on their wives all the time and that she needs to pick herself up. Some of Gwen 2's lines are the best in the whole play and I feel like the really capture the essence of the idea that you're not a good person if you just keep your kids alive: - "Yeah, yeah, the house was always clean and there was always food on the table. No wonder fell apart as soon as he left, no wonder she can't take care of her own kids, she doesn't know how to do anything except... eat mash potatoes." - "So you gave her enough food so she wouldn't starve to death! So what? What about her?!" - "Any child that chronically craves attention will act out!" - "... Of course, let alone what YOU want, Mother. Whenever she doesn't want something, she says your father doesn't want it... [he] never had, nor did have any opinions in his life."

[@candylove49]

Not only that, but it’s usually required by LAW. Thank you for being a law abiding citizen.

[@janedoe4491]

Exactly, (in the traditional sense) two individuals consciously chose to have a child and therefore chose to provide for said child. The child didn’t choose to be born and had no say in the matter, so it’s such a bullshit excuse for treating your kid like crap

[@kayh9477]

A Goofy Movie is a good example of a father self-reflecting and compromising with his son’s interests in mind, as well as a son gaining an understanding

[@kevinwillems8720]

Goofy is just an all-time great dad.

[@BloodInTheStrawberries]

Goofy is literally the best father (doesn't mean he is perfect though, but that's what makes it more realistic), he goes to such extreme lengths to try and connect and understand Max and his interests, but also comes to value his son's space and want for personal growth. He just wants Max to be happy in the end, and learns even more about him and himself as a father.

[@kyahahaha]

so true

[@mackenziekarsonovich1073]

Both of the goofy movies are super underrated! They were a huge part of my childhood

[@noellecannon1411]

I agree. The goofy movie is a great coming of age tale. Both father and son are growing. Being a parent is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She's made me better and patient, it's also interesting seeing her personality develop.

[@Hekateras]

"She has a big heart, your mom." We need to talk about abusive parents who are lovely, supportive people... to everyone *except* their child. I know multiple people my mom has played a parental role with (despite not being their actual parent) who've talked only about how jealous they are that she's my mom. Of course, THEY don't experience the enmeshed and controlling behaviour...

[@The-Black-Serpent-Syndicate]

Bruh I thought I was the only one. My dad has done so much for the community and others but refuse to give me a penny or even a leg up in any of his many businesses. My old man has never gave me more then 2 or 3 bucks and even that was on very rare actions yet when my drug addicts of a cousins asks for 300 for a phone when it's obvious she is going to spend it on drugs bro sent it n a heart beat. I was supper hurt that day. I don't know why he dose this. Regardless of if your good or bad he'll hook you up with a job or what ever but not me and big bro tho we have to fend for ourselves and get belittled when we fall short. I can say with full confidence my old man never liked me or big bro.

[@elizabethgatchell4546]

I would complain to my nieces (their older then me) about my parents and they would get mad at me cuz “there good parents” like cool, they’re good parents to *you*

[@Chiggianya]

Yep….it always pained me and still continues to pain me to see my mom treating her students kinder and more loving than she ever did to me.

[@mackielunkey2205]

I always thought that Marion was defined by her fear from her past. She always stresses about Lady Bird and that she will never be doomed, because that's the way SHE coped. There was this scene where Lady Bird looks through Marion's unfinished letters because she was afraid of the potential backlash, compared to Lady Bird who always wanted to take risks despite the criticism she would get. That doesn't make her an abusive mother, but it makes her a flawed one.

[@fangirlchumchum]

Yea... it's sad bcs in fences the book it seemed Troy managed to say "I love you" to everyone but Cory :/

[@miabecerra2611]

One of my parents favorite things to say when we would fight was "I can't wait until you get older and have your own kids, you'll see how hard it is" jokes on them because I'm smart enough to realize i shouldn't have kids

[@astoldbynickgerr]

Periodt!!!

[@TaylorPie94]

My dad says that so many times but he keeps forgetting that he literally wasn't around often and that he's the reason why all of his children are broken. His first two have children and a damaged home life and his last two (including me) don't have children... we don't want any for sure.

[@mothturtle7897]

Yep. Breaking the cycle of abuse by quite literally breaking the cycle.

[@kertchu]

Lemme guess... they now keep pestering you for grandkids

[@itsmejejune128]

Same. Everyone says how nice I am but I have a very angry side because of my dad. I'm working on my own shit but there's no way I'm going to subject a child to that while I figure my shit out.

[@biiinbiiin1934]

In my culture it's VERY common for older adults to tell young couples, "why don't you have a child? who will take care of you when you grow old?" and it really bothers me since no one should have a child in order for them to be their helper or caretaker. Unfortunately a lot of people in my country do this ://

[@abracadaverous]

My mom frequently reminded me that I only existed to take care of her when she got old. And now I don't talk to her. I hope she has a plan B...

[@sweetpeabee4983]

It is an awful expectation for a kid, to take care of you when you've grown old. To make that the purpose of having a kid is really perverse. At the same time, aging is often _super_ undignified and humiliating. You may reach a point where you are no longer able to do basic shit like eat or use the bathroom by yourself. And who's going to help you when that happens? Where I live, nursing homes have been like slaughter pens for old people this past year alone, but they are still full of horrible elder neglect even under "normal circumstances." Like, I'm talking people unable to leave their beds, having to lie in their own crap for hours while nurses do fuck all. I'm still young, so I get it, but...ahhhh idk how to feel about this sort of thing, tbh. Shit's complicated. 😩

[@alexisienna]

@@sweetpeabee4983 i mean, if a parent respects and cares for their child and nurtures their relationship, they probably won't have to ask to be taken care of. instead of assuming the child would be there however they are treated, a respectful family should naturally instill a sense of caring for eachother later in life or so i guess. so really parents healthy parenting is better for them in the long run

[@AM-cv9fi]

That hit close to home as I was told that very same thing yesterday, not even from my family but my boyfriend's. We both agree we never want children.

[@bluebear4961]

sameeeeeeeeeeeeeeee dude just sameeeeee

[@mmps18]

Oof this really hit hard. Our culture has a weird forgiveness fetish so this was a nice reminder

[@CheyenneLin]

Thank you Maya!!

[@himalayansalt32]

I have experienced abuse due to developing depression because of the death of my mother. I really hope my abusers have died horribly, that`s the only condition on which I may forgive them

[@chinweokorie3239]

I agree. I feel so validated by watching this.

[@notwerkinginthishouse8634]

@@himalayansalt32 sending virtual hugs

[@ZwarteKonijn]

On the forgiveness part, I hate how the focus it's always about forgiven the other. How about preaching to forgive yourself? To realize that the guilt your parents made you feel was on them, that you're not guilty? To realize that what you went through, and your feelings about it, are valid, and it can be okay to resent your parents? I really dislike how people are almost forced to forgive, their parents, their bullies, like people need to decide that on their own. It always comes across as a parent that wants forgiveness from their kid, or the kid they bullied. Because it's them that needs to change, and you can't just demand someone's forgiveness and actually get it.

[@peach6937]

Honestly that scene where Lady Bird asks her mom "Do you like me?" hits ridiculously hard. Some parents really just look at their children as responsibilities and not as humans and it stops them from having a good relationship. Parents really fuck you up.

[@handsomesquidward5160]

There's a scene in Pearl (2022) where Pearl asks her mother as to why she hates her, your comment really reminded me of that

[@victoriabells8671]

The problem is a lot of people, especially mothers, are sold a dream of parenthood but don’t realize what a challenge being a parent actually is until after they become one. By then it’s too late to go back so they end up resenting their children for the mistake that they themselves made.

[@rinaantler4790]

I couldn't agree more, the bond between a mother and a child is so venerated that often the hard work and effort that is needed to provide and raise a decent human being is very much underplayed. I also think that a core reason why people that don't know or don't care about how to be caregivers but end up with a child is very poor sex education: if people where properly taught from a young age to not fool around without protections I think a lot of abuse could be prevented. I mean, I know a lot of families with exhausted parents that feel like they haven't accomplished nothing because they had their kids right after getting married without getting enough time to build a stable Carrer and income so they remained stuck with shitty jobs just to pay the rent.

[@DiscoTimelordASD]

Ah yes "The Joys Of Motherhood". No one talks about the parts that aren't joyful and if you dare to talk or act like you're not joyful for being a mother then you are considered a selfish and horrible human being for daring to have thoughts and feelings of your own that don't match a stereotype.

[@eheheh3263]

@@rinaantler4790 but people do have sex education from school and we’ve had the internet and library for a while so if anyone wants to learn or learn more about sex we have those 2 options…. The problem I see or at least in my community is mothers not communicating with their daughters about important life subjects such as motherhood or being a wife etc…

[@Hekateras]

@@eheheh3263 Sex ed in many places is still quite terrible. And also, bear in mind that when people who are adults now talk about their abusive parents, the parents themselves would in fact have grown up before internet use was commonplace.

[@eheheh3263]

@@Hekateras I understand that depending what country you’re in you will have more resources or none, again, it depends, but I’m talking about the United States in particular where there’s free access to public libraries and access to free internet… in other words, the resources and info are there, but it’s up to people to take advantage of them and seek them out because they’re not going to go to your house and knock on your door and say “here I am” and yes the internet didn’t exist when our parents were adults, but I’m not talking about the past, I’m talking about the present and the generations that did grow up with internet… the teens right now

[@nerdler]

A great video. Being a brown person, culturally we are not allowed to call out our parents toxic behaviors and action

[@CheyenneLin]

Thank you so much Usama!

[@PhoenixRising87]

I've done that and gotten backlash for it...so I've not done it since and just focused the last year and a half on trying to move out (I've had success at last!).

[@CheyenneLin]

@@PhoenixRising87 🙏👏👏👏👏💖yes!! I’m happy for you. That’s a huge step!

[@Astroacid]

Ong

[@nyajuokforsure5157]

they somehow manage to make you feel 100 times worse for saying it like it is even though they asked you for honestly. the worst part is you have to watch as your respect for them fades even though you’d prefer it didn’t.

[@GostosasGarotas]

parents, please get a hobby

[@tiahnarodriguez3809]

Or a pet

[@lulusmith780]

Parents (derogatory)

[@mellonnuggets838]

Literally, like my mum blames and shames me for wanting my own path because she 'sacrificed' a lot for me. She just took responsibility for her actions of bringing me into this world. That's not on me. Sorry.

[@Catlily5]

Even if your kids are not all right, you still need your own hobbies.

[@Sevenseasick]

I think part of the problem with this is when you have small children (and a lack of affordable childcare) you end up with no free time and having to give up a lot of your hobbies to minding your children. Then when the children become teenagers and need less attention and care, some parents feel a loss of identity because they gave up everything else. Good parents rediscover hobbies or start new ones. Toxic parents exert control to regain this sense of identity as a parent.

[@babyfaceweeb8937]

The fact my mom and grandma both agreed with Denzel's character while I agreed with the son. 👁👄👁

[@shridharbiju7370]

@@emilyli7728 As an individual you have the right to live your life to the fullest way that you want to live it. A parent demanding that their childern live their lives they way that the parents want isn't selfish, it's abusive.

[@babyfaceweeb8937]

@@emilyli7728 is it crack, is that what it is? You smoke crack?

[@queenbaudelaire3021]

my dad is the real life version of his character and he sees nothing wrong with it

[@shaniasmith9999]

Are you black cause this is so common.

[@eloquent233]

ew there disgusting

[@amie6105]

When Lady Bird's mom completely shut down to her in the movie, that was what broke me. Because that's what my mom always did to me whenever anything went "wrong"

[@Peregrina]

My mother could be loud and confrontative and then suddenly she went silent without explaining anything. I remember feeling terrified and thinking she hated me. I was walking on eggshells and did everything to try to please her. She was always "right" and had strong opinions about everything. She used gaslightning methods, claiming she had never said certain things. She slapped me once and to this Day I cannot figure out why and I've been feeling so much shame. I always felt like I was never enough. She refused to let me go through tests for ADHD as a kid and claimed I was a normal kid who was just slow like my dad. I eid get extra help with math but beyond that I was fighting a lot with studying and trying to keep up. She didn't believe me when I told her I got an ADHD diagnose. The silent treatment is a horrible tactic. It leaves out any sort of discussion or problem solving. It just creates guilt and anxiety. To this day I can get panicked when people stops responding and I start to believe people hate me.

[@decristal48]

Just now I realize that it's extremely inmature

[@RagDollCookie]

Dear parents: I am not your therapist.

[@kittyykatie]

this^

[@TheLily97232]

Woops

[@griffinmiller9012]

SAY IT LOUDER 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[@kayenjee]

👀

[@_alanawalker]

I felt this

[@meulinhunter7209]

“If your kid feels uncomfortable around you, it’s your fault.” I wish some parents would understand this instead of making children feel bad for feeling uncomfortable. It leaves children more open to abusers. I have the same situation with my mother. Everything has to be done whenever she says and if it’s a second later, here comes the emotional abuse and manipulative punishments. Then when I tell her I’m uncomfortable being alone with her or around her she acts as if she doesn’t understand why or as if I’m purposely doing it to antagonize her. She’s one of the reasons why it took me so long to finally instill boundaries with people and has caused me to undergo horrible situations that I could’ve handled way better if my boundaries were respected and I wasn’t treated like I was a bad person for having them. She still believes I’m going to understand her better once I get older or become a parent of my own but I already understand her and I don’t want her in any part of my life until she changes. She will definitely not be in any of my future children’s life either.

[@Shreyaa81]

I face the same problem with my dad. We never had particularly close relationship when I was a child and it eventually turned into a turbulent relationship once I became a teenager. He'd often raise his hand, yell and act violently. He had serious anger issues and even took them out on my mother. And now, he's 'trying' to reconcile things but he's so misguided in his attempts because he thinks physical affection would fix everything and I hate it. Everytime he comes close, my skin crawls and I feel the need to resist the discomfort because my mom says that I should atleast TRY to be cordial. That's definitely not happening.

[@taylornicole8139]

Literally! Like we are cool but not close and I used to get into even mpre trouble for not like casually telling her about my day or whatever when she'd already made it very clear that we are not friends and that she was critical of a lot of things I enjoyed and she felt I was unusually quiet around her just to spite her, when really I was deeply uncomfortable and afraid of 'saying the wrong thing" so it was safer to say nothing. And it gave me whiplash that we could get in an agrument and then a few hours later she would decide to forget it and try to ask me about watching a movie or something casual and I eould decline because I was still a little bitter/shaken over our fight and that would be met with an eyeroll like "you're STILL hung up on that?" And because I am financially dependent on them its like we are not allowed to have a reckoning because its seen as I pay for you to eat, to have a car, to have nice birthday parties so how bad can I be. When really im not saying that your awful just that certian things couldve been done better but they get so defensive about their parenting and dont want to talk about it

[@Pomoscorzo]

I think many parents actively want their children to feel uncomfortable. They enjoy seeing them wince, watching them cry, observing them when they're cornered. They probably were in a similar situation with their own parents and like the confirmation that their children are not stronger or happier than them.

[@tiahnarodriguez3809]

@@Pomoscorzo My dad was like that. To this day it makes me feel so uncomfortable to remember how he treated us. Unless you were a mentally and physically broken down teary eyes mess he was not satisfied. I think this is how he asserted his dominance to make himself look and feel bigger. It’s so sad how parents can care more about themselves than the harm they do to their children.

[@nataliedawnshade9958]

This🥺

[@diod2392]

the amount of times i have been shamed by my friends for not "trying to be nice and understanding" when talking about how homophobic parents are is soul crushing.

[@jennifermccord8008]

Ugh, relatable. My mom stopped talking to me entirely for several weeks after I came out and a straight friend told me I should "give her time to process it before freaking out over it." I don't talk to that friend anymore lmao. Like f off with that, please.

[@ramla7137]

i relate. queer ppl are expected to 'rescue' their parents from their homophobia, regardless of how abusive the parent is.

[@sky-eh4wy]

it you think is sad hearing something like that from your friends, imagine listening that i should “try to understand my parents, but at the same time come out to them” from my sort of “girlfriend” (and i say sort of because she doesn’t actually want to be my girlfriend cause i didn’t come out, only to them i must say. Even though she knows how much i’ve being hurt by them in the past)

[@ng2861]

I'm pretty sure my mom wouldn't stop even if she reads these comments

[@user-nd8tb4dd8g]

@@ramla7137 It sounded weird to me at first but I realize it's very true, I never had to "come out" to my parents because they "just knew it". But now that I think about it, I think it was a bit disrespectful from them to confront me with the whole "Are You Gay?" conversation instead of giving me the time to reflect and process my own sexuality to come out to the world as what I was. I didn't notice at the time, but they basically used my now out sexuality to distract me from real problems, if I had problems at school or at home, they would always say things like "must be because you are gay" and say things like "we accepted your sexuality so you shouldn't behave like that" as if the only reason to the problems in my life was my sexuality, when it actually was never an issue for me in the first place. I honestly don't know if that's a less indirect form of homophobia or straightforward mental abuse.

[@jaceybella1267]

I'd love to see a film where the child finds peace and resolution in getting away from the parent. No apologies needed, just finally finding passion in life

[@bellascoles191]

Matilda

[@katherineblack4772]

Drop Dead Fred is a late bloomer version of this. In the end, Phoebe cates tells Marsha Mason "to get some friends", after her mother asks her "what about me/you're leaving me alone.".

[@crisptomato9495]

The Willoughbys

[@WinterMan.]

This boys life. Leonardo DiCaprio & Robert Dinero 1993 movie 7.6 on imdb with 56k votes, should be more votes imo. Great movie about a teenage boy and his mother suffering the violent and emotional abuse of their farther. The movie has some very harsh scenes between the farther and mother. It has a happy ending to some degree. Idk if u will get a notification on a 2 year old comment but still.

[@msbrittany44VA]

Omg have you seen Pose?! Highly, highly recommend! Several of the characters in the series are shown walking away from their families of origin and trying to find ways to survive and create chosen family. It gets into what this is like in ways a lot of TV and film skips over. I swear it’s one of my all-time favorite shows because the characters are people who are able to look at their community where it’s easy for people to fall through the cracks in NYC and recognize those who have been harmed or thrown away by their family of origin and having nothing but trauma, a desire for love and connection, and their various career and personal dreams. They reach out and form families of their own - “Houses”. The houses work through stuff and there’s ebbs and flows, and often fights, at the end of the day they know they’ve got each other and will never do what their families of origin did to them - stop loving and showing up. I think it’s one of the truest forms of love I’ve ever seen on screen. There’s a few story arcs where certain characters go back to their family or town from childhood and it shows us them confronting who they were forced to be and how far they’ve come in building a life for themselves without their parents. It shows us what it can look like to work through the trauma and feelings stemming from being thoroughly told you’re an abomination and will never measure up, or otherwise being severely abused and neglected. For me Pose is a testament to creating chosen family and investing your time and energy in community, instead of pouring yourself into pleasing people who aren’t accepting or loving you the way you are. I think Lady Bird and Fences have similar themes. Pose delves into the complexity and uncertainty AND the joy and artistry of moving on. 💅

[@abolishpolice5232]

The Fences stuff is making me think of that episode of Bojack Horseman where he eulogizes his abusive mom. That line of “she’s dead and everything is worse now,” not because he misses her, really, but because now whatever chance there was of things improving between them, however slim, is gone. I think about it a lot because it is now almost 3 years since I’ve spoken to my mom, and I genuinely don’t know if I ever will before she dies. And I’m mostly fine with that, because she sucks. But it sure would be cool if she decided not to suck anymore, though she never will.

[@emilycurran1707]

Wow, it's so weird to see a comment like this because it's almost exactly what I'm going through with my mother. It's been four years for me and I don't see it changing anytime soon and that bojack horseman episode really does capture those feelings nicely. It's nice to know that there are other people out there going through the same thing because I feel like there's still such a stigma about being estranged from your parents. I hate explaining to people about the situation because I always feel there's this level of judgement, wondering how you could be so heartless as to cut contact with the person who raised you, like it reflects on you being bad person. But like it's really hard to understand from the outside. Sometimes its better for both parties to just cut ties and go their separate ways. It can be super isolating sometimes, but it's nice to know I'm not alone in this. So thanks for reminding me of that :)

[@criticalthinkingconcubus]

My stepdad was the same. Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. I studied hard and got A's and B's, did lots of volunteer work, never partied, never drank or smoked, and was a virgin (never dated). That didn't stop him from constantly calling me a fat ugly bitch who will die alone. Jokes on him, because he died alone. He had a stroke because he was too much of a stubborn dumbass to listen to the doctor and take his diabetes medicine and stop drinking.

[@grmgt]

Are you reading my life story? Haha jk. But like i know how it sucks, but we gotta protect ourselves, even from our parents sometimes.

[@Catlily5]

I haven't spoken to my dad since 1998. He will probably never change. I guess there is always some small hope, but it is not worth feeding it. I will survive.

[@chelmrtz]

Free Churro made me feel EVERYTHING

[@sleepykittyMMD]

Parents: "respect is earnt not given" Kids: "ok so where's' my respect" Also parents: " How dare you! I'm the parent you don't get respect, and you will give me respect while you live under my roof!" kids: grow up and leave home Parents: surprised Pikachu face

[@crimson1504]

Lol... I went as far to leave the country heh.

[@aconitum_7889]

yet they bothered to have us

[@sleepykittyMMD]

@@aconitum_7889 and yet maybe they shouldn’t have :/

[@aconitum_7889]

@@sleepykittyMMD definitely

[@pandaprince7677]

@@crimson1504 I'm proud of you prioritizing your happiness and life.

[@jessicaisibor6157]

I watched Lady Bird with my Mother after watching it dozens of times. It was a comfort movie for me. While we watched it, she kept saying Lady Bird’s mom was great and ridiculing me for identifying with LB’s story. I felt so uncomfortable after and I haven’t watched it since. Edit: Hi everyone! I just want you to know that me and my mother are on good terms. We both go to therapy now and have learned to talk to each other in a non-toxic way. To be completely honest, I think our relationship has gotten better. I hope everyone who has related to me in the past can find a way to either connect or move on!!

[@mackereltabbie]

Watch the movie, stay away from mother

[@dre5540]

My mom and I watched it separately, I told her I really liked it but that at times it was a very sad movie. She finished it and she told me she didn’t understand “what there was to be sad about.” I took that as “I totally agree with Marion and how she treats LB and don’t see how that’s a bad thing”

[@ARedMagicMarker]

I always tell people...you can ALWAYS tell the character of someone while watching a movie with them. Most pos people I know always side with the pos villain characters, downplay their awfulness, and call the victims whiny or weak, that they deserve their treatment, that there is much worse treatment, and the abuser is put in a noble and strong light. Some of these people even hold you hostage until you agree with them. If the pos character gets their cummupins, watch the person watching with you demand to you in disgust to "turn it off", or watch them stomp out the room, or watch them talk to you for three hours after the movie about how pos character is "misunderstood." Or watch them roll their eyes at the pos getting what's coming to them, and say "okay, we get it", as if they are witnessing "virtue signaling" and others being self righteous for standing up to the villain. Most of these people HATE it when people fictional, or irl find a way to escape their abusers. They love to say you cannot run from your problems. Not only do they point out that they and people like them are indeed problems, they don't want people to run from t hem, because it dwindles their supply. Also after the movie, they might even linger on it for days. If they are parents, and you're a kid, expect them to threaten to throw the movie away. Watch them ask loaded questions on why everyone thinks logic, unconditional love, loyalty, respect, and common sense (in their heads what the pos character is portraying) is bad and "evil." Oh, bonus points on them nodding in agreement to themselves how victim of the story is a "whiny eternal victim", and they need a few hits or slaps to straighten them out, or they need to grow up. Seriously, I tell this to everyone... IF you want to get what someone is about, and you're not sure what their personality is like early on.... pop in a movie and watch their reactions to the dynamics of the story, and the types of characters. Watch multiple movies with them. If their reactions are more or less the same, you got your answer. You'll get your answer every single time, and it was a tool I caught onto and utilized since I was eight years old. You don't gotta tell the person though, just make your own judgements from that observation.

[@elmsie7]

i really identified with that movie as well, and when i watched it with my mother, i had hoped she would see her inaction and problems in lady bird’s mom, but she never did and our relationship has continued to get worse and worse :/

[@DuskPShermanWallaby123]

@@ARedMagicMarker thats sad that you have to do that

[@jojon4272]

I actually did have a diary. It was a diary that had a voice password, an invisible ink light, and a pen that wrote in invisible ink. I only used the pen with invisible ink. I had the journal for about three days before I saw my dad reading it to the rest of my siblings. I got lectured on writing that my friend Janice was a better drawer (artist) than my sister. I had more things that I wanted to write but I knew that it was not private so I did not. I did not realize how much this scarred me about writing my personal feelings until I wrote this comment.

[@rdeal8912]

i’m so sorry man

[@ghostie7790]

what!!? No respect. I'm so sorry that happen.

[@sleepylionking1103]

“Hm… my child has a unique way of keeping her DIARY locked and uses invisible ink..z it’s probably for no reason! TIME TO INVADE!

[@user-ff7lv8pf8n]

I’ve had a similar issue since I was younger where I’m just not able to journal or write out my feelings without the fear in the back of my head of someone reading it, so I’ll just write from a perspective that wouldn’t get me in trouble. Looking back now as I’m older and this was just because my parents would lecture me and even almost taunt me on my personal and emotional feelings so much so that I felt embarrassed of them. I still struggle with this today

[@siginotmylastname3969]

That scene with denzel Washington is triggering tbh, such a dehumanising way to talk about your child!

[@helensanchez6442]

right!!!!

[@StreetHierarchy]

Black folks tell you straight up.

[@melon9127]

My brain physically ripped in two trying to wrap around what the heck he was saying to his child. It may be true for him but damn, not liking your own child? I need to lie down.

[@StreetHierarchy]

@@melon9127 I think they're trying to draw a distinction between "liking" and "loving" someone, but I suppose I could be mistaken.

[@safiya845]

@@StreetHierarchy He never says he loves him, he says he owes him, it’s an obligation, even comparing taking care of him to working which is not something you do because you love, but because you have to. As the child in that situation it’s easy to then see yourself as nothing but a burden for your parents.

[@LP-xg9bl]

I’ve never understood why parents would say “you should be grateful I take care of you”. I understand that it can be annoying when a child is ungrateful, but they’re almost saying that if the child does anything wrong the parent could simply stop caring for them. It’s toxic.

[@danegonzales5651]

I never understood this in a sense that you never even asked or begged to be born for you to owe them of anything. They decided to give birth to you, it's their job to take care of you and you don't owe them anything.

[@odeswarms]

that’s literally their responsibility, they want credit for not being neglectful lmao such a low bar

[@spaceface320]

I think that second reading would be the implication, if the parent saying it believed doing the basic is all or has made it clear that they only high expectations of their children, causing a sense of uncertainty. But I think many parents say this as an appeal that they would only do these things for people they loved, and not every person outside of a close family (chosen or born-into) would do this, even if it was a responsibility. This is to say, some parents physically neglect their children, and in that sense, just feeding, clothing, bathing is the minimum basic responsibility as a parents. And attentive parents not only do these things, but protect against emotional neglect, and provide the emotional and mental safety and direction for their children. I think the first concern for parents is the basic well being. But some parents spin it into the only thing they should do

[@DereBear]

For real, you’re not parent of the year because CPS didn’t knock down your door

[@newtoatheism5968]

My grandma always uses the guilt trip phrase of wait till your my age thing

[@Mextazectaces]

I feel Frank from “F is For Family” has the best (comedically hypocritical) response to this mindset: “OH! Someone get this man a Nobel Prize for feeding and clothing his child!”

[@alim.9801]

F is for Family is a good show, this comment was nice bc I never see this show brought up like ever. It's underrated imo

[@skvaderarts7009]

I'm literally the girl from Lady Bird, except I'm African American and I can't afford or get into college because I flunked out of school due to the bs she put me through. it's exhausting. I genuinely can't stand my life most days.

[@wedemboys420]

Stay strong! I had to drop out of uni and I got a job and it's hard, it's really really hard but there are always different routes in life! Remember how early on into your life you are, there's so much more to see and so many more years to live and that's what keeps me working through this uphill battle. One day we will be financially and emotionally comfortable adults who can look back on this traumatising period of our lives as but a small fraction of the decades and decades we have :)

[@jenm1]

You can still go to school if you want to. Please don’t give up yet.

[@patty1247]

I know this late but I went to junior college for two years because my grades were terrible in HS and then transferred to a regular college. You might want to look into that! I hope you are doing well.

[@alim.9801]

I hope you're hanging in there and taking care of yourself 💜💜 life sucks a lot and the world is scary and finding your path is like insanely difficult sometimes. But I know it'll get better for you even if it's not good today

[@lolawrenn8926]

a dog feed bathes and cares for their children. why do parents act like THAT is award worthy. Love and respect costs more than any dinner plate

[@camerondeloach795]

Exactly- like that is your job and your responsibility, whole human beings need more than that!

[@halloweenallyearround4889]

Exactly

[@12halo3]

Because they could easily leave them and not take care of them? Not saying thats a good excuse but its a reason.

[@tanukiZoot]

@@12halo3 not leaving doesnt learn you an award. My dad stayed and beat me every day and when I was little I prayed to god he would leave us

[@12halo3]

@@tanukiZoot oh my god ok i understand now

[@hsg57]

Theres this scene in the movie "jumping the broom" and it's where the mother of the groom sabotages the bride's wedding and also destroyed her family. The groom, who was constantly putting up with his mother's attitude the whole movie, snapped. But in the midst of him snapping, his uncle interjects and says "that's still your mother". And that, that is why I hate the idea that parents triumph basic human decency. Especially in a black house hold.

[@BellesView]

Exactly!

[@mourningst5r]

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

[@TheLeah2344]

My family says that all the time when some of my family have really hurt me. It’s sad how common this is in black households.

[@brandonhann1508]

@@TheLeah2344 true in black households piety to one's elders tends to trump being treated decently. Roses rebuking of Corey is sadly similar to alot of real life attitudes towards abuse victims

[@intensestare5027]

@@brandonhann1508 Facts, my grandmother is incredibly narcissistic and abusive and yet my mother continues to support her on the basis that that is her mother. My grandma has three sons and one daughter and yet only one son will acknowledge the abuse.

[@andreacarolina221]

for anyone that needs this: i have not had contact with my "father" for almost 18 years now, and with my mother and sister for 7 years. you can live without them. I still deal with my own issues but the calmness, the PEACE that came after it is invaluable. you are not missing out if you don't have them in your life, they are losing you. Be strong and always put yourself first.

[@csgaiao33]

This will be me in a few years

[@Warriorofthesoul]

Bless you

[@evoloxe]

Stopped talking to my parents for 4 months now. I'm shocked at how much lighter I feel. I hope more people do the same.

[@Ladybugseason]

❤

[@rickjeffjeff]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Wow... How bad was your family? Were they drug dealers or prisoners?

[@Angela-wy6bo]

Dr. Alice Miller’s book The Body Never Lies says this almost exactly. She’s a child psychologist who writes about how adults who suffered neglect or abuse as children can actually hurt themselves by denying their own experiences/emotions and forcing themselves to forgive their parents. It was rlly helpful for my own journey if anyone else is struggling/wants to learn more abt this topic.

[@luvasaur]

Love this book! I think it’s becoming normal to have couples counselling before marriage or even during, with parenting having something like that would be great to normalise on day.

[@alim.9801]

Thank you for the recommendation, that book sounds really good!! I'll have to check it out

[@FunFilmFare]

Glad ATLA broke that "forgive your bad parents" cycle!

[@anoushkashenoy692]

It was also interesting to see how Azula not being able to cut out Ozai out of her life and continued to be manipulated & used by him eventually leads to her downfall later as she becomes as abuser of her own. An important lesson on why childhood role models are important and how being the child her parent wanted actually turned her into a horrible person.

[@blue1584]

The scene where Zuko confronts Ozai during the eclipse is so empowering and validating. As someone with an abusive father myself, to this day that scene really resonates with me

[@manueloalzulfiquarali3688]

Religion tries that mess with us too, that FORGIVE YOUR PARENTS Crap

[@Oceanlinx]

@@manueloalzulfiquarali3688 indeed! I knew I had to cut my father off because he's narcissistic, but my family was trying to force me into forgiving him on the basis of religion, because mental and emotional health is a joke to them. I'm glad I followed my gut and cut that man out of my life.

[@oanaenache991]

The amount of gaslight you get when you come out about your abusive parents (especially if it's the mother) is unbelievable. Right after watching this video I got a comment somewhere else about how I'm "overreacting" and cutting off my mother would make me a bad person. Dear people out there trying to save their own lives and mental health, your life matters and it's not your fault that those people want to make you responsible for things that were not your decision

[@elbuki4547]

I completely understand you, my dad gaslight my mom and then my mom comes and tries to gaslight me.

[@selingoksu5868]

yesss!! I told my teacher about how my parents are possibly emotionally abusive, she just told me how I have to think of "both sides" of things or how my parents are just protecting me and other children have it way worse,, like excuse me??? Is my situation still not valid??

[@oanaenache991]

@@selingoksu5868 i hear you, the "other people" argument is blatant gaslighting and i heard it wayy too much. People at some point admited that my feelings are valid, but they continued to claim that my mother's feelings are still more important

[@mourningst5r]

As an sexual abuse survivor, it's already hard to trust so having to deal with emotionally and verbally abusive and negligent parents makes you feel so alone. Especially when you try to tell your siblings and they just gaslight you and make you feel horrible for not loving your parents. Now I have a weird forgiveness/guilt thing with people who abuse and take advantage of me. Ultimately I feel to blame, and feel like I can't hate them because their all I have?? Life is fucking difficult man.

[@oanaenache991]

@@mourningst5r ohh, I'm so sorry for what you've experienced....yes it's very hard. My brother didn't gaslight me, but I was just left as a minor and lived with my abusers my entire life. Now I'm trying to escape, be independent and limit their access in my life, but somehow the need for emotional attachment makes me feel like I need them and it's just an empty hole in my hearth, but I would rather make space for someonw new than let them do this to me ahain. I really hope you find a way to heal, you're never alone and you should reach out for similar people if you feel like it would help

[@xxautopsyofjxx7466]

Religion is a whole other monster when it comes to parenting, I already get enough insecurity about me being different from my community and the added label of 'rebellious' when I get home is so hurtful. I often try to force myself into a mold, but I'm so unhappy with being anything else but myself. I just want to be accepted as I am after all these years of struggling to find myself in a religious household where anything can be demonic or unholy, when it's just natural.

[@Ran2Chaos]

This reminds me of people who adopt puppies or kittens only to give them up once they grow from the cute small animal baby. They want this thing and the attention it garners but can’t handle the actual care. Also love the comment of self-reflection.

[@unluckyomens370]

I never understood this like isnt the whole appeal of adopting an animal from a young age to build a relationship with the animal?

[@unluckyomens370]

@Sarasvati whats the appeal then? Puppies and kittens arent all that much cuter than cats a dogs

[@lemsip207]

In my family, it's the same with humans. They only like pre pubescent children who don't answer back and who can be moulded. Then, once past puberty, they forget about those children until they have their own children. That's because they need to feed on the emotional energies of children as they lack them themselves and a rich inner life. But even a young child can sense these emotional vampires. Rather like the elites feeding on adrenochrome.

[@lemsip207]

​@@unluckyomens370I prefer adult cats and dogs to kittens and puppies.

[@jingjingtian]

I love this, and I love that it's important to make movies about children who don't forgive their parents. It's not the child's burden to "forgive." It's on the parent to change and to take accountability for themselves.

[@CheyenneLin]

👏👏👏

[@-criedjupiter-8464]

Yes my momma always says sorry but i never see change actually she’s getting worse

[@bluebear4961]

yes exactly i just wish we would also have movies that are slightly milder because for all of this our parents responses will be well i didnt do this that they did or i didnt do that and im just like do you want a medal for not being as bad or smth? its still bad what you did but the thing is they will never accept that, ever because beating me until i fell on the dishwasher making the plates break and get embedded in my skin was my fault because i talked back to them right? its just ughhhhhhhh

[@ShelbySteele23]

@@-criedjupiter-8464 I would give anything to hear my mom say sorry even once. So even though your mom may not have the ability to change, at least she has the ability to recognize when she is wrong and apologize. Nothing worse than having a parent do their child wrong then deny or defend it. Doesn't mean your situation doesn't also suck but just know that there are children out here who cant even get a sorry

[@poifish7442]

While the burden of forgiveness obviously shouldn't be placed on the neglected/abused child in a child-parent relationship, this decision is not up to it. It definitely is unfair that many people have to grow up dealing with the aftermath of something that was completely out of their control, it is the reality. It's unfair, but there's nothing that can possibly be done after the fact to undo all this injustice. The parents will often not change their ways, will not do enough/any introspective work or will sometimes even reject the idea that anything might've gone wrong. Unfortunately, that is the hand that some kids are dealt. It is easy to confide in putting all the responsibility where it's due, but a painful realisation is that one simply can't go on like this. Was it fair that neglect/abuse happened? No. Do you want to move on from it and create a better life for yourself? The answer to that is sadly the same as for the question: "should you forgive your parents?" tl;dr While neglect/abuse is unfair and the responsibility for it shouldn't be placed on the child, assuming the child wants to get better and own their lasting insecurities, they will put the responsibility on themselves off their own accord, as it's exactly what they want and need to do for their own sake of being able to move on.

[@nataliadams4361]

The whole "oh I'm the bad guy/villain now" dont say that to your kids that's manipulative and makes your kids feel like absolute trash please please please it's a small thing but its important just dont do it with you kids

[@hi-fq2mo]

this!

[@coffintears5821]

My dad doesn't do this but he victimizes himself alot to guilt trip me.

[@nataliadams4361]

@@coffintears5821 bruh bad parenting makes me angry but seriously bad

[@BlackCover95]

Alternatively, it minimizes your child’s actual complaints against you by intentionally exaggerating them, i.e. _reductio ad absurdum_ .

[@gato8008]

My dad has been playing that card on me for a while now. Especially in front of me and my mother. But In my mind I said nah man, you got me fucked up wanting to play that card. I know your tricks magic man.

[@reecegraham6921]

That scene when Ladybird just threw herself out of the car hits me so hard. Although personality-wise Ladybird is very different from myself, I did that once albeit at a slower paced car and was uninjured. My mom had the shock of her life esp since i was the trophy kid of the family. I was getting nagged at terribly at 7:00 A.M and I express my mounting frustrations and couldn't talk back even when i had reasons of my own for our argument. Throwing myself out of the car felt so freeing in a way. Just leaping out of the restraints around me and bold enough to make a statement that I had enough of tolerating any bs from my parents. Now time to think of a bold enough act and at the same time, wouldnt be 'rude' for my dad to come to his senses I'm in college and is now at home because of covid-19 and god my dad is being so overbearing on days when he's at home and not working. He literally barged into my room this afternoon and yelled at me for being lazy and sleeping all day when I just took a nap after an online class. He didn't even apologized when I explained and just nagged more. I know it's his roof I'm living under but where's the respect????

[@KaliyahKayoni]

I will never understand how you can STILL be fuckin mad at somebody after you find out you shouldn’t be mad at them😭😭 all you gotta do is say sorry & go about your day

[@fp4093]

When marian said "I want you to be the best version of yourself" I genuinely cried bc that's exactly what my mother told me every time when I asked her why she can't accept me for who I am. And when she gave her the silent treatment I also bawled my eyes out bc when my mom got mad at me she ignored me for at least 2 whole weeks (it was bc of my grades most of the time). And my mother also told me I wouldn't make it into college (I made it and she wasn't even happy for me lol) and overall just always talks down on my achievements and never ever told me she was proud of me or that she loves me. So yeah ladybird nailed a toxic mother-daughter relationship (and I also have a dad that knocks:'))

[@csgaiao33]

this is my dad. He didn't believe i could get into uni. Thought i wasn't that smart so what does he do? First day of school he tells me I'm autistic (wich i'm not) and thoughout the year messes me up so bad that by the end i can't even leave my room and go into a huge depression and start doubting all my abilities. Eventually i get out of his house never speak to him again and now i live with my husband and im one of the top students in my class. So fuck you dad!

[@cikazoki]

Do we have the same mother? 😅

[@weasel7491]

My mother did the same thing. The silent treatment whenever I disagreed. I used to cry, but by 16 I just...gave up

[@lemsip207]

When your mother really meant that you should change yourself completely for her not be an improved version of yourself.

[@annadau8612]

This particular quote sums this up: People can forgive toxic parents, but they should do it at the conclusion-not at the beginning-of their emotional housecleaning. People need to get angry about what happened to them. They need to grieve over the fact that they never had the parental love they yearned for. They need to stop diminishing or discounting the damage that was done to them. - Susan Forward

[@btorres3875]

Thank you for this. Ive been struggling so hard because i cant just be okay with my parents right now. They are going through it so ROUGH right now and i hate that Im not emotionally present as much as i want to be. And its because im literally grieving all of the crappy childhood stuff! I guess i just need to be patient with myself and let things run its course. Im just so afraid of whats going to happen and my mom will have another episode and i wont be there for her. The fear sets in and the boundaries go down. Its so hard.

[@PoptartParasol]

It's going to be a long road for me in that regard. In the end, the act of forgiving is never for the sake of your parents or to literally 'forgive' them. You're doing it for the sake of yourself, and to finally break the bondage of their abuse that they had an 18 years head start on.

[@user-cp1co5vl7m]

thank you for commenting this; i really needed to hear it.

[@wazzzup2579]

Another thing to note, "Forgive but not forget". I'm not saying you should hold eternal grudges for someone but you should always uphold righteousness and justice to protect yourselves and others from those who hurt you.

[@efoxkitsune9493]

I love this.

[@mmmk6793]

I think it's just mostly that these people want babies.. not children or toddlers or teenagers or adults lmao. They want babies because they're cute and their clothes are cute and babies need you and think you're swell because you burp them. But babies don't remember that stuff omce they get older so gratitude is not a factor and they don't care either. Your child didn't ask you to have them, they don't owe you anything and a lot of parents cannot reconcile their child having a personality that diverges even slightly from theirs or their world views. I don't think I even ever want to have kids because of how badly my mother traumatized me. I know a lot of people want children despite having a difficult upbringing because they want to do better or because they think they can do it right.. but I've seen that go south almost every single time and they end up doing an equal amount of damage, just different ways

[@skeevantas]

^ agree completely, I go back and forth about having kids myself too for the same reason. Its a nice thought to say I could do better and be the parent I needed as a kid but its easier said than done. And sometimes it feels almost like just an ego trip. Like I don't want to have kids just for the sake of my own redemption arc

[@christracy19]

Isn’t just coming into this world guaranteeing some level of damage and emotional trauma? I suppose the question is is it ethical for children to even be born in a world that will hurt them inevitably

[@skeevantas]

@@christracy19 I think its about weighing the amount of it vs the amount of good things they'll encounter. Honestly it's gonna be totally random and different for everyone, I don't think the answer is "don't have babies because they will experience pain in their lives" because I don't think personally that life isn't good or worth living or so on because there is suffering in it. But everyone is different and it's all about perspective. Technically ywah we are all forced into existence and that isn't "fair" but I dont think there's a simple solution or answer to that question

[@fridawarnemyr6025]

If they want babies, get a reborn baby doll. They look like babies but they won't grow up. If you want cute pictures of babies on your IG account, go for it! They're a 1:1 scale doll so they fit baby clothes in the age range they're supposed to represent so you can go off and go on a shopping spree for baby clothes. Some baby dolls can be "fed" and "poop"/"pee". I don't know how many realistic baby dolls can make baby like sounds like babbling, or crying or laughing but I'm sure they could be found somewhere.

[@pitpat2928]

@@skeevantas the desire to do better is only half the battle, a lot of ppl fall into the trap of being the parent they needed as a child, and can’t accept that the parent you needed is not gonna be the parent your child needs. i’ve lost count of how many times my mother has pushed for something i didn’t want in trying to make me happy bc She would’ve loved to get that treatment from Her mom. I am not my mom, i didnt need her to be the parent that she wished my grandma couldve been.

[@alexandrae4566]

my parent definitely needed a hobby.. AND therapy.

[@bookbunny9]

"A child's purpose is not to fill their parent's emotional gaps." That was powerful. I've never heard this said this clearly.

[@Spamhard]

I never think it helps how the reasons for children within a lot of societies tend to be quite selfish, whether it be parents wanting a child as an extra pair of hands, wanting a child for company love and loyalty (get a dog), or the old "i need someone to look after me when i get older". So many reasons people have children are selfish and don't take into account the needs of the child, or that they'll grow up to be their own person whether the parent likes it or not. My grandmother is a bit like the mother in Lady Bird, from what I've seen. She had children in the hopes of fixing a broken marriage, and then spent their entire childhood guilting the 4 siblings about how she never had money because of them. Even to this day she claims no one is looking after her despite the fact she fed, clothed and cared for them all their lives- For the record, one of the siblings is a live in carer for her, and the others visit her several times a week, but it's somehow still not enough. All her children are in their 40s and 50s, but she's still trying to control their lives, even to the point of calling my mother several times a day to talk about how no one cares about her (my grandmother) in her old age and she's going to die alone because her children are ungrateful. It's crazy shit.

[@bacht4799]

This is one of the reasons why I don’t have kids.. I really like kids but I not reasonably enough to have kids.. I got Asperger Syndrome and dealing with myself and my inner struggles and I don’t want my kids be victims to that.. I got so many stupid to awful ideas about myself because I don’t always understand what is right or wrong in some cases even if it’s fictional or reality.. I do understand normal living and such but I don’t always understand why that’s okay or not or why that’s is okay even if it’s unfair and that’s not okay even if they look the same.. I know it’s stupid but it is what it is.. but yeah I also hate people getting kids because of selfishness.. or something like that..

[@erinburwell5077]

@@bacht4799 I'm not going to have kids either be cause i know i'd turn into someone like marian. i've got a temper, i cant handle people being in my space so basically anything to do with children will irritate me to no end.

[@Spamhard]

@@erinburwell5077 I'm very similar. I used to like kids when I was in my late teens/early 20s, but these days I can only tolerate them in small doses. I get irritable really swiftly over the most ridiculous shit (things like that towel clip would probably be me), and tire of being around people, and while I have a pretty good handle on my irritability and understand my boundaries, having a baby/child invading that would send me over the edge. I struggle to live with others because of this. I can't even cope with my younger cousins for more than an hour or two because of the noise and constant presence. I still get people say "oh it's different when it's your own child" but a) I don't believe that for a second when my family, who I all love A LOT, still trigger my irritability, and 2) why the fuck would I want to risk finding out if that's true or not?

[@leek4b00]

Is it selfish for me to want to have kids because I want to see them grow into their own person and succeed in life? Or raise a kid because I want to make sure I don't do the same things my mom did and make them have a happy childhood? Edit: Ignore the 2nd point I didn't mean that. I obviously wouldn't have a kid to prove that I wouldn't act like my mom, that's dumb 👀

[@Spamhard]

@@leek4b00 I wouldn't have thought so no, and I don't think I've seen anyone saying it was. Are you asking genuinely, or trying to catch me out with some sort of "gotcha"? Hard to tell tone via text. Wanting a child to grow up to be their own person, and giving them the love and support to do so is the opposite of selfish imo. If you watch the video, the type of parents discussed are the ones that stifle their own childrens dreams for personal reasons, and/or use guilt to control them. And the reasons mentioned in my original comment are inherently selfish because they are about the self, and not about the child.

[@KamilaDalmate]

Finding a hobby outside of your child really hit me deeply. My mom had nothing but work and me to live for and once she lost her job due to a mental breakdown she had nothing to focus on but me and it’s so suffocating. I’m just now getting from under her at 24 and she’s still trying to cling on to parenting me like a child instead of treating me as an equal as an adult.

[@tiahnarodriguez3809]

I don’t know if it’ll help, but to break away from living under my mom’s thumb, I kept asserting myself as an adult. Any time she’d try to treat me like a kid I would just keep asserting myself . Eventually she got the message.

[@ellynfoster4440]

Are we...the same person?

[@HannaBenana]

@@tiahnarodriguez3809 Agreed! My dad still tries to control what I do in my free time even though I live an hour away. I love to camp and he's always hated it and tries to keep me from going cause he's sure I'll die or something. Told him it was my life and I'll enjoy it how I'd like. He looked like I slapped him in the face. Over going camping, haha.

[@adriannespring8598]

Ironically how extremism is created when parental emotions don't uplift their kids. The kid feels resented & unwanted regardless of the food on the table & roof over his head.

[@rebeccas2334]

Honestly this hit hard. My childhood was pretty similar to lady birds and hearing you say that wasn’t okay was oddly therapeutic.

[@laurenmay774]

Same here!!

[@peacheslikeapples]

Love this take on parenting, it's so rarely seen that kids are able to hold their parents accountable for bad behavior.

[@CheyenneLin]

Agreed! And thanks for the kind words and supportive comment 👏

[@quietvalerie1]

I'm so tired of children being expected to "rescue" their emotionally abusive parent trope. Stop it. Get some help. Thanks for the video! ❤️

[@manueloalzulfiquarali3688]

Religion tries that mess with us too, that FORGIVE YOUR PARENTS Crap....

[@klickonthat5244]

I've seen One Piece do it, and it actually did a pretty damn good job at it. Especially near the end of the arc with what the character said to their father.

[@DuskPShermanWallaby123]

@@klickonthat5244 what'd they say

[@chrissyelric7134]

@@DuskPShermanWallaby123 i'm interested too

[@watitduful]

Manuelo: I agree with your take on that and I’m a Christian! Often times, people like to take certain scriptures and use them to justify their wrong doings. For example with this parent thing, they use that as a means to say they have a divine right to treat the kids anyway they choose. They may quote scripture but they forget the entirety of it. For example, check this out… “Children, obey your parents xin everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.“ Colossians 3:20-21 Verse 21 is barely talked about and quoted when these debates come up.

[@ellicavalcante7850]

Oof, the way my mother treated me influenced my way of thinking so much that when I watched Lady Bird, I thought her mother was right by doing everything she did. Mine is the "mothers are sacred" type of person. She doesn't even see me as another individual. She asks me to be independent but always did everything for me, even the smallest things (while complaining that I don't do them) so it took me a long time until I ever wanted to live as an adult. She decorates my room without permission. She gets in an out of my room whenever she pleases, despite of me repeatedly telling her I need my privacy, I need my safe space, specially for being such an introvert. 90% of the items in my bathroom are things she bought for me to treat my acne, my hair, or whatever, and she complains that she spent money on them and I don't use any of these products. She keeps getting me clothes even though I keep telling her I don't want any. Apparently, having any opinion opposite to hers means that I've been influenced by my friends, as if I'm unable to think for myself. And, well, she doesn't respect my friends either. They're all afraid of her behavior because she is an extremely defensive person, she's always "on the right", not to mention how close-minded and judgemental she is of people. I am bisexual and have once tried to have a serious talk about her use of offensive terms (there's a racist term she uses as well), but she only pretends to listen and actually dismisses everything that I say as if she's being talked to by a toddler. She can't stay out of home for more than a whole day, or she'll think I got myself burned in the kitchen, cut, or kidnapped for opening the door to a stranger or something. When I was a teen, she'd give me rides to the shopping mall, to an event or something, and stay around because it's "economical"... even something as simple as getting in an elevator to go to class, she'd go with me because she was afraid of some random dude groping me. Does that happen? Yes but, bruh "You're lucky to have such a loving mother, I should just not care, like these terrible moms you see on TV" Damn right you shouldn't fucking care, at least for ONCE let me feel like I'm goddamn capable of something. Wow I wonder why I hate spending time around you! I wonder why I've always been angry at you without even knowing the reason why. And when we got to the therapist, and he asked "Is everything alright between you two?" she has the audacity to say YES. Nevermind that we've been fighting every single day for years, right? And we could get only a single day of therapy, because pandemic. I honestly find it funny how she admitted to feel guilty for divorcing, and thought that was the reason for me to hold a grudge. Oh for fuck's sake. I've been telling her all my reasons to her face and it's like talking to a wall. For. Fuck's. Sake. Well this was my rant, thank you very much. Can't wait to get enough money and move.

[@majorbooklover420]

Wow, that sounds miserable. I hope you get out of that place. You're a strong person, your life is your own

[@luavme7873]

Jesus Christ- you just summarised my entire relationship with my mom. She too is like an off and on button, and I just avoid being around her because I know it’ll bring conflict. I’m so sorry that you have to go through it too, just know that you’re not alone in this.

[@user-nd8tb4dd8g]

I feel You. I have a mother very similar to you, and I understand that feeling of "My mother expects me to do something on my own but doesn't even let me do things on my own in the first place" and then unironically she says I make her "work twice" because she simply can't tolerate my individuality and the fact that I have a very different way of doing things from her. Anything that doesn't look like she wants is "wrong" and she must fix it, even if there's essentially nothing indeed wrong with it.

[@warsh_tippy]

down to chalking up my issues to her divorce and not her own doing…. i literally could have written this entire thing myself wtf

[@jenm1]

Have you asked why she feels the need to protect you? Has something happened to her? Is she afraid of failing as a mother? Does she know that you have your own thoughts and free will?

[@captivecat5858]

As someone who has forgiven their father when I absolutely had no obligation to, I’m glad I did. You know why? Because he CHANGED. He saw his behavior was awful, and he actively started being a better person and treated me with respect. I’m all for forgiveness when it’s conducive to a HEALTHY relationships. Nobody should be made to feel like they need to forgive their parents just because they are your parents, regardless of their lack of willingness to change their bad behavior. If you know they won’t change, you have every right to be done with them.

[@MultiEquations]

It's sad that not everyone who wants to be a parent can be one. I'm happy that being child-free has increasingly become more accepted.

[@maybelikealittlebit]

If anything the idea of having a child needs to stop being tied to biological relation! If your goal is to raise a happy adult, biological relation SHOULD NOT MATTER. idk why that isn’t more popularized. I have always wanted to foster and adopt (especially once I learned how painful giving birth is, and how many kids are born to parents who just maybe aren’t ready) because my goal is to raise happy adults. I don’t need them to look like me for me to care about them. That needs to be more popular in our culture!!! Adopt kids, foster families and help our next generation have a better outcome. That’s the goal, our kids should do better and be smarter than we are. That’s how you know you did a good job imho.

[@Spamhard]

@@maybelikealittlebit The obsession with biology is definitely an odd one. I had a coworker who has a condition (admittedly I forget exactly what it was) where pregnancy and giving birth could potentially be fatal for her, but she always went on about wanting children. I suggested adoption and discussed how many are out there needing a family and a home, and she instantly shot the idea down saying she wants her children to be blood related to her and her husband. It's a truly odd mentality to me, I really struggle to grasp it. Is it that people want to see themselves in a child as they grow up? Seems like an odd level of narcissism in a way.

[@mahi93162]

@@Spamhard I know this couple (family friends) who haven't been able to have kids for I'd say around 10 years now. I always wondered why didn't they adopt since they want children so badly, and I even asked my parents but I don't think I ever got a proper answer. I'm guessing it's similar to what you said

[@maybelikealittlebit]

@@mahi93162 not to be assumptive but I honestly believe if you’re only able to love a child that looks similar to you or has your blood, you should NOT ever become a parent. Being a parent is a selfless mostly unthankful yet extremely important and rewarding job, and I think the world would be a much different place if people thought of parenting that way instead of it just being some “duty” we’re all meant to experience.

[@maybelikealittlebit]

@@Spamhard for sure unpronounceable (to them) levels of narcissism but it’s also a popular concept in our society. Take care of your own, others can take care of their own. The collectivism has kind of been lost and I think that’s why adoption/foster/family assistance should be discussed more regularly when we discuss parenting/kids. It should all be connected, not solely based on who has whose DNA... I know tons of people too who risk pregnancy because of a “blood line.” It’s sad to me and why I’m becoming a foster parent myself, eventually to adopt if needed but that’s neither here nor there. I hope it becomes a more popular option for couples who want kids. You don’t need fertility issues to adopt, all you need is a want to raise kids or help the next generation. It shouldn’t be based on biological relation OR inconvenience/“gods will.” Babies should be born wanted and supported if they aren’t. Not just a recklessly hd because that’s how we’ve always done it. I wish parenthood was treated with more divinity in our culture. It’s the MOST important job in the world yet we barely (pop culture at least) discuss it’s implications and outcomes based on real life experience/experiments.

[@giasas]

My parents were actively trying to keep me from moving out after using me as a punching bag for 20 years, one day I went to a friend's house and just never went back. I made a really long facebook post entailing all the shit they did to me and why I was never speaking to them again if they didn't apologize for it all, and also at the end I came out as gay. And my mom commented, completely ignoring everything except the gay part, saying "omg I love you so much you can talk to me whenever you want! 💕💕" And I have never wanted to reach through a phone and slap someone so bad lmaoo .. but anyway very good video ! Tysm, I needed to hear this 💕✨

[@CheyenneLin]

I'm happy for you Gia!! You did the right thing. And I'm really sorry about the way your mom acted. Some parents can be so two faced... sigh. anyway glad you liked the video and it's so nice seeing your little Remy badge next to your comment haha thanks for supporting the channel!

[@giasas]

@@CheyenneLin No problem ! I do love Remy Ratatouille as well lol

[@UtenaXenite]

I totally get it, as a gay adult who was a child from an abusive home. Parents like that abuse you and then gaslight you about what they've done. They can't accept what they've done. Keep moving forward and keep looking for people who accept you for who you are.

[@Beebz29]

If you don’t mind me asking, how did you support yourself after moving out? I’ve considered moving out for a while but I always feel like I’ll just end up on the streets

[@giasas]

@@Beebz29 My girlfriend's mom gave me a job at the warehouse she runs. I think I just got very lucky, but it is a good idea to talk to friends about wanting to move out, because it would be very hard to do without any support. And usually, you have more support than you know. I really thought I didn't have any friends before I moved out, but it turns out I did, and they wanted to help me

[@thefoxoflaurels3437]

Cory manages to go to the funeral not his obligation but for his half-sister's benefit. He's emotionally intelligent and selfless to do the emotional labor necessary to be there for children who *need* the support from adults. He can learn to be better than the examples his father set. That's powerful. Troy thinks the absolute bare minimum should be celebrated. Cory is willing to do the kind thing even when it's hard.

[@sarahwarnock2707]

When I was about 7 yrs old, I looked my mom in the eye and told her if she didn't give me space and respect, that someday I would leave and never come back. I haven't spoken to her in about 11 yrs. I sometimes feel so guilty, not about not being with her, but about how much money it must have cost her to raise me. Maybe someday she'll get a check in the mail and I'll finally be totally free from her.

[@scp--297]

Always remember, that she chose to have you. You owe her nothing because she wanted you. She had to feed you, cloth you and be there for you. The physical is only a small part of the job raising a child.

[@r0xanne_d0ll]

Easy A is also a good example of healthy parent-child relationships. Olive's parents were everyone's dream guardians. They were able to give her the privacy she needed, very helpful advice and a nurturing environment.

[@CheyenneLin]

Truth!

[@Angelica-Pickles]

Is that why I saw them as unrealistic lmaooo

[@shanayahayes6394]

Honestly I would have done anything to have Olive’s parents

[@danegonzales5651]

I was so shocked to see that movie as a teen. Becos I can only imagine how much physical and emotional pain I would've received if I did that with my parents.

[@Angelica-Pickles]

@@abbym4916 oh yeah for sure I don’t doubt they exist but in my culture, that’s only a dream lmaoooo

[@everybody_stay_calm8149]

This is the first time I've realized that being told to do something "NOW!" with no flexibility whatsoever is not part of a normal parent-child relationship

[@electricbaby7315]

I think it’s really important to normalize not forgiving parents for abuse or neglect. If you feel that forgive and it would be cathartic, that’s awesome. But on the other hand, I think you’re under no obligation to do so. The truth is, sometimes people just don’t deserve forgiveness, and it’s perfect natural and normal to feel angry and not want to forgive. Thank you for talking about this, I think you did a great job analyzing these strained relationships kids have with their abusive/neglectful parents

[@mackielunkey2205]

I think Good Will Hunting does this concept VERY well, especially. Because acknowledging the damage done TO YOU will help you prioritize your life.

[@roisin1538]

I hate when people tell me “you’re dad is so hard working and great you should respect and appreciate him more.” Sure he works hard but so does everyone else and they don’t know what he tells me, he doesn’t know what it’s like to live with him. They only know him as an equal as adults but don’t know him as a parent.

[@handsomesquidward5160]

Know the feeing very well

[@turtleanton6539]

Yuuup😊

[@thenewkhan4781]

Unfortunatelly, a lot of people in this world should have never had children in the first place, because they're themselves emotionally immature. Of course they think they are and can never see how controlling and emotionally abusive they truly are. They always think that they treat their children fairly because in their imagination they're the parent, so obviously they are always "right" and "know what's best" for their children... how could a child have his way? How could he do something differently than he was told to...? How could he not obey them in everything?

[@taehyungoppa7208]

PREACH!!!!

[@cjminor9636]

I think another big thing with parent-child relationships is how your parents' views and beliefs can affect you. My grandmother grew up in the 1950s and had a very conservative, misogynistic, and homophobic mother, and while she did grow and evolve out of having such strong support of those beliefs, the differences between me and my grandmother's views are still very extreme. My mom grew up with those beliefs, but my aunt is actually a lesbian and she got kicked out of the house for it. My mom really hated the way my grandma treated her sister, so she seriously worked to rid herself of all this internalized misogyny and homophobia that had come from simply being around those beliefs her whole life, especially since she saw how it affected her sister. And with me, she's raised me with those beliefs of love and acceptance and support of anyone, and it made it that much easier to really trust her and eventually come out to her as bisexual bc views ik she has these views of respect, kindness, and love like you said. And she's made sure to not only make them clear to me but also instill them in me (I'm so sorry this comment is so long I guess I had a lot to say. ty for reading

[@CheyenneLin]

Hi cj! I’m so happy for you and that your mom was able to educate herself and learn and grow. I think a lot of adults tend to stop doing self work at one point or another - especially when it comes to hard core beliefs that are given to them by their superiors. I hope your aunt is okay now too and I’m sorry she was kicked out. Thanks so much for commenting and sharing. Your story gives me hope for the future and I think nowadays as adult therapy is more accepted things will continue to change for the better. No need to apologize for the long comment and I hope you have a good rest of the day ✨

[@danielasarmiento3101]

Same ,my dad had a relative who was in the closet until he revealed himself and saw the guy was disowned by his family, especially by his parents , who adored him before realizing he was gay, ever since then both my parents swore that unless its something extremely illegal they would except us no matter what

[@mariasilveira5251]

It's sad that most people have this type of relationship with their parents...

[@Broomful]

it shouldn't be like that

[@jenm1]

Omg your pfp is life

[@van2165]

I read that parents only have to meet 30% of a child’s emotional needs. Chores were used against me as a show of power and to put me in my place now as an adult trying to force myself to do chores is a struggle. Same thing with food it was a reward leading to a very unhealthy relationship to it as an adult. Parents do not get praise for doing the minimum of providing for their children. That also goes for the minimum of emotional care, parents are not good parents for doing the minimum, if not below that bar.

[@dontmindme.imjustafraidofe9327]

And this is why when I have kids, I’ll use chores as an expectation, not a punishment. For example: “This is our house, this is our home, therefore we must keep it clean.” So yeah.

[@julieperez7505]

@@dontmindme.imjustafraidofe9327 please look into gentle parenting. Three are so many tik tok compilations on here with kind parents (who actually care about their kids) giving examples on how to treat kids with respect and teach them valuable lessons (chores, school, communication etc) without any harm or trauma and the children love it because they feel a mutual respect and care between their parents. It’s def the best model of parenting I have seen🌈🌈😊🥰

[@dontmindme.imjustafraidofe9327]

@@julieperez7505 I sure will! The generational curse ends with me for sure! I’m never hurting my kids, not physically or emotionally. I’ll show what it means to love someone the right way. So yes, I’ve been binge-watching those videos like crazy since 2020! You’ll see!

[@unluckyomens370]

@@dontmindme.imjustafraidofe9327 i just want you to know if you do follow your convictions as a prent i respect tf put of you reading you wanting to help your kids be emptionally healthy is honestly bringing me to tears and im not entirely sure why

[@dontmindme.imjustafraidofe9327]

@@unluckyomens370 Oh, that’s not an “if” but a “when.” I’m definitely going to parent my kids differently than my parents did to me. Thank you so much for your kind words!

[@Lifeishard237]

Yea this is triggering... my dad would always say to my siblings and I that “he hates kids” literally to our face.

[@heyitsnotmars]

thank u so much for sharing that. that memory must be so traumatic for you & it was completely unacceptable of ur dad. keep on healing! 🥺🤍

[@mb-qi1qq]

no BUT WHY DO THEY DO THAT! my mom and dad had me at 18 and my brother at 21 and i get told constantly don't have kids, your life is better without kids, you'll have more money without kids, etc. it's so weird to hear that then "i love you" and i just dont believe them bc i get framed as a burden half the time

[@victoriaandrews4547]

@@mb-qi1qq that’s exactly what I’m going through now, I know she doesn’t mean harm but how else am I supposed to feel

[@Lifeishard237]

@@mb-qi1qq Yea feeling like a burden is really exhausting. Like no matter what you do you feel like a nuisance because either way you’re burning a whole in their pockets and taking up all “their time”. I hope you heal❤️

[@mb-qi1qq]

@@Lifeishard237 thank you! i'm actually starting therapy the 30th and im very excited for this next step. you deserve to heal as well

[@dr.gorklinwormingtoniii9436]

Parents setting the bar low for themselves is really real and usually really hypocritical considering how much they compare their kids to others and then tell them they’re failures because of that comparison. My mother, for example, used the comparison between her and parents who *murder* their children to say that she is a good parent whilst considering me a failure for not having graduated from high school at age 15.

[@heyysophie9928]

who tf graduates at 15 💀

[@despinasgarden.4100]

Wow, your mom set the bar really low didn't she?

[@sabrina-br4br]

I'm so sorry wtf ???

[@florencebutterfly]

@@heyysophie9928 some kids go to school early, so hence why they graduate hs at 15. There's some ppl in my class who are 19 to graduate hs cos they went to school late.

[@lemonscenic6207]

I’m so sorry. 💔 You are not a failure! Also, it is never too late to finish school rather that’s something you want to do or not, it doesn’t determine your success! I wish you well. x

[@stella-ns1me]

One time my father said that the child should fear their parents in order to obey them if they are not respectfully. He said that "if the child isn't going to obey by the lack of respect, then fear would do the job". My mom agreed. That's when I knew for sure I couldn't forgive them or expect them to get better as humans, it's simply not going to happen, and even if they get better one day, I don't have the obligation to sit and watch it happening so close.

[@RevertedRashidah]

My mom didn’t become self-reflective until after I grew up. Just in time to constantly criticize my parenting even though she didn’t parent me at ALL 😂🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

[@moustik31]

She just cant let you win. 🙃

[@trarue1879]

Phoebe Bridgers song, "Kyoto" is about this. The line, "I wanted to see the world through your eyes until it happened, then I changed my mind" is her making peace with the fact that she's still angry at her father and that she doesn't have to understand him.

[@TheMorganVEVO]

Thank you for sharing that. Imma go find that song now.

[@bubbles4897]

Such a heartbreaking song. Especially if you know that her dad was abusive towards her and her siblings’ mom

[@ellabroom7056]

I WAS JUST LISTENING TO THIS SONG

[@McSnezzly]

because of you by kelly clarkson is also about her shitty dad. MAkes me cry hearing it

[@blueswan7655]

And sometimes parents can go from wanting to be with you and spend time with you to being cold and distant and critical so quickly that you can’t keep up :(

[@merissacooper6539]

Same

[@kittyykatie]

bruh yes

[@mom69yearsago85]

"What's the point of having kids if they won't serve you" that sentence was the one that made me realize my parents only wanted me to be there servant and therapist rather than the child they should take care of dearly and love even if the kid doesn't want to be there "put your responsibility and emotions in" bag

[@francescoiacoangeli2975]

"You don't have to forgive your parents" mindset has been an important part of my adult life, one that I try to pass down on every one I care. If you function on the fact that you don't have to, but you can, it leaves a huge free space for you to act, grow and... well, *be*

[@txin999]

It hit hard when you said that parents shouldn't think kids are stupid just because they're younger. My mom uses that reasoning so many times to put me down whenever I want to express an opinion that contradicts her beliefs. But whenever I talk to my younger cousins, I see that they have opinions that are clearly from a place of self-reflection and a keen understanding of their surroundings. Even my mom can be immature and make haphazard opinions, but she just refuses to get off her high horse and realise her errors (she goes on full defensive mode which can get really ugly). I resent her for that and mostly just zone out when she becomes toxic and irritable.

[@axeslinger94]

I was raised by this type of parent and realized that she's most likely a narcissistic parent. Please look this up if you have the spoons for it. I feel it will help you understand your dynamic more. I only realized how deeply my mom's parenting style affected me once the pandemic hit and I had to put up with her 24/7. She competes with me over the smallest things, always interrupts me, projects her own impatience onto me and tells me to "not fuss at her" when making simple points on how she's just plain wrong about things...It's fkn exhausting but yeah. There's so many intricate layers to being raised by someone so selfish and delusional like this. If you have any mental health issues, especially C-PTSD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, etc. then chances are that label might apply to you.

[@txin999]

@@axeslinger94I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder in 2019 and it really puzzled me how I arrived to such a condition. The pandemic gave me an opportunity to observe my parents (especially my mom) 24/7 and it was truly disheartening to find out that my mom was a narcissist and my dad an enabler. Whenever I talk about having suicidal thoughts she would twist the conversation about herself and how I'm not grateful that she gave birth and took care of me. And after that I couldn't help but notice how many times she would make a scene and make herself the victim whenever there are family squabbles. I actually asked her to watch this video (in the hopes that maybe it would induce self-reflection but in hindsight, I should have known better) and she started asking whether this video was made by an American (she usually make an excuse how parenting is different for Americans) and complained how this video is lengthy. I went back to my room and just minutes later I saw that she was already watching something else. Lol.

[@merissacooper6539]

@@axeslinger94 you just literally described my mom...

[@nesser52]

Ah yes taking random things like a right to be entitled :/

[@starsINSPACE]

that thing about parents saying "as long as I'm not abusive to you...in the same exact way my parents were - then it doesn't matter or count" is so spot on

[@wolfidessdragondol]

EXACTLY!

[@patrickstonecipher6284]

another film about mother-daughter relationships that’s super good is Ingmar Bergman’s Autumn Sonata. It’s one of the few films where the child refuses to forgive their abusive parent

[@bacht4799]

Thank you.. I gonna check that out.. I made a promise to myself I gonna watch some Ingmar Bergman “ I from Scandinavia so I just think it’s a right thing to do “ or something like that..

[@bendingbananas6540]

And the covid confinement just makes this whole thing 110% worse when for a whole year its just been me, the walls and my family. Having no one to talk to but my family forces me to always bear with the "oh but we're family" or "family before anything else" or "you should forgive him because hes ur dad" It's so tiring, i just wanna run

[@ambarcastaneda4763]

Hey, I feel you. My mom just started summer break and whenever she spends most of her time at home, I kinda go insane. My sleep schedule becomes the worst it’s ever been because I try to sleep until midday to avoid her as much as I can. Last year she took her anger out on me and my sister so often and we argued a lot. It was horrible, specially because she mostly gets angry at me for things I can’t control like the effects of my ADHD. All of this without mentioning my abuser and bigot of a father, but luckily he doesn’t live with us. I’m wishing the best for you! 💖

[@bendingbananas6540]

@@ambarcastaneda4763 Thank you 😊 I'm wishing the best for you too

[@abbyabroad]

How are you doing now? I hope it’s improved.

[@ryleeburnand9776]

I just do not understand why people who clearly don’t really want kids feel the need to go and have them. Please go support your local planned parenthood 😭

[@XxRosa131293xX]

Like a women in the age of getting married and having kids (27), its all society pressure, thats all. You are expected to marry and have kids, its dosnt matter if you are good at that or not

[@folklore_of_beth]

@@XxRosa131293xX don’t try to blame everything on society. Yes, the stigma is there, but at the end of the day it’s everyone’s personal choice and many choose wrong.

[@user-el1dt8or9l]

@@folklore_of_beth what about if someone gets r-ped and can’t abort the baby or they don’t want to give them up for adoption because of the treatment inside adoption places so they just take care of them

[@animposter4971]

The truth is they don't want kids, they just like fucking without a condom enough to take the risk which is fucking retarded

[@animposter4971]

@@user-el1dt8or9l wdym what about it? That person never mentioned rape lmao

[@gabbyeeee]

damn this video got me emotional lol. i was told at a very young age by both my mom and dad that they did not have to like me. as a kid, i just couldnt handle hearing that. it was damaging. i already had a very poor self esteem, image and perspective of myself. all i wanted was to be liked by my parents because i didnt have many friends and i was taught to respect them with everything i have. the movie fences hits way too deep for multiple reasons. i saw it once and i dont plan to watch it anytime soon.

[@CheyenneLin]

I’m so sorry to hear that! It must have been really hard growing up with that kind of environment. Fences is such an emotional movie that I had to prepare myself to watch it. Same with lady bird. But in the end I’m glad I at least watched it once and hopefully one day will watch it again soon and get something new out of it with age. Thanks for sharing and commenting. I’m glad you liked the video!

[@mimistardust3915]

I feel this, my mom used to tell me she hated me.. As a child she'd call me stupid, fat, lazy, she called me a whore at the age of 9 because I played with makeup. I haven't talked to her in a year but I feel so guilty about it everyday. My boyfriend says I shouldn't because she was abusive but idk..

[@iambeezus7886]

@@mimistardust3915 I am sorry that you had to go through that as a child.. It hurts my heart when I hear kids at a young age grow up in that type of environment. No child should live in a household like that! I can understand why you feel the guilt because she made you feel that way while you were still living with her. I have a friend who is currently going through a similar situation with her family as well. Just remind you in case no one has not, you should not feel guilty for how things were with your mother, and that you are loved, sister.

[@mahi93162]

I can relate with this somewhat, I also want to make my parents proud which sometimes means not considering my own happiness or wishes. I think this is why I'm such a people pleaser

[@bonniestar7583]

my mum use to tell me I love youbut I don't like you. and frequently tell me that I am useless. then years later said I don't know where your self esteem comes from.

[@bluebear4961]

yasss say it louder A CHILD'S PURPOSE IS NOT TO FILL THEIR PARENT'S EMOTIONAL GAPS

[@sophiiiiia6363]

Ive realized, that kids fearing their parents is so normalized that I used to say “my moms going to kill me” when I would get a bad grade on a test. When in reality she would be understanding

[@MystiqMiu]

" a child's purpose is not to fill in a parent's emotional gaps " yo, I- 😭😭 Im so tired of acting on my mother's emotions and never mine.... I dont feel like my own person sometimes, Im just a doll on strings....

[@danimorgan5378]

My mom was in a horrible relationship and I had to be there for her because she didn’t want to be alone. She loves me and I see it but I feel robbed of a childhood. Being the perfect little girl for her. If I tried telling her, she’d blame herself and not in a manipulative manner. She’s just a sad person who doesn’t know what to do but the bare minimum. Pretty sure some people would tell me to tell her but she still feels like a fragile person.

[@blacgyp7538]

@@danimorgan5378 wow , I have a similar situation with my mom . But with mental illness and some manipulation added. Therapy Intense therapy is what they need

[@zheahra]

"It takes a village to raise a child." Let us not forget that each child is unique. Just because you bore a child doesn't mean you know who, what, and how to raise them. Sometimes it takes help from a counselor or therapy. Often parents are made to believe they have to go at it along. They don't.

[@KrisKrisKrissy]

I loved how real and sometimes raw Ladybird was as a film, up until the end which I hated. I saw so many people writing about how touching the ending was because she "realized how wrong she had been, and her mother just loves her" and how people really related to going off to college and then realizing what a brat they had been. Like… that's not what this movie was. It was a messy, mutually tense relationship that needed serious work. It's NOT about a brat kid needing to learn to respect her mother. UGH

[@Amymilee8]

i love it when parents do the barely minimal then expect you to "forgive them" despite all the shitty things theyve done

[@user-gx7jt9eg6l]

My dad does this things when I anger him and he says “I own you and I will until the day I die” and it just infuriates me. Dont get me started on the phrase “I put you into this world and I can take you out”. Parents really need to understand that their kids aren’t entirely theirs and are FREE THINKERS!!!!

[@freakytostadacartoon]

I hate when someone says that, is like a messed up psycho manber of thinking.

[@XxRosa131293xX]

he can take you out? like what, murder?

[@ameliaj8791]

@@XxRosa131293xX Yes, that is what the phrase implies.

[@kkdraws9052]

You should move out asap

[@saharahjohnson6108]

ugh, my mom says that too “i brought you into this world and i can take you out of it”

[@k1mdraculaa]

this really opened up my eyes to how toxic my dad actually is. great video really informative!

[@CheyenneLin]

Thank you so much Richie 💞

[@TheLily97232]

Me too... my mom too. I understand better some aspects of my personality

[@althearenn4529]

I agree. Becoming a parent made me more aware of my flaws and my own toxicity. Even tho I was a functional adult I still needed to step it up for the kid. People judge me for having a family therapist but it give my kid a place to vent and me a place to reflect.

[@verymuchadisappointment168]

Having the self-awareness to make those changes for the betterment of your kid shows you're leagues above most parents (my dad, for instance).

[@rinaantler4790]

If you realised that you don't have enough knowledge on how to teach your kid to handle emotions then it's the right thing to ask someone to help with that.

[@vixqwrt]

“i give you food, clothes, and a roof over your head!” that’s literally the bare minimum....

[@freddyfucku2]

Wow. Being reminded how expensive it was to raise and how much money I cost constantly growing up really really did a number on me.

[@pagolainaki7175]

Ooooohhhhh, this shit hit home, I am basically on the edge of being poor, and my parents loved to point out how much our very cheap school cost, how much they had to "waste" in food, how much literally everything cost. And, oh my god, I have cried so many times because I felt as a burden, I couldn't work because they didn't want me to, they literally made me feel like shit and then when I tried to help them they literally said: NO. So yeah. I love them anyways.

[@elbuki4547]

It’s so fucking dreadful

[@greatgownsbeautifulgowns]

I got the same growing up where I had to hear every 5 minutes about how much money she didn't have and how much money was spent on me etc.-- And JUST LIKE in the movie Ladybird, the day I told my mother about how my friends and I joked about us("us" being myself and my friends)being poor, she had the nerve to be all offended and say "We're not poor!", and I'm like well, shit, going off of the way you always talk about money how would I think anything else?

[@crazyformyself9773]

My moms like to tell me and my sisters how much it takes to take care of us. I started noticing it when I was around 13 years old. Now, at 16, I just ignore it. It takes up too much of my energy to get annoyed 😒

[@TheLeah2344]

Same and my mom would always say I put a roof over your head you should be grateful. That doesn’t mean it’s ok for you to take out your pain on me.

[@oliviacancino3780]

Most of the time I deny what’s going on because my parents guilt trip me with the old “my father was physically and mentally abusive” or “be happy we are not like other parents” line. And it constantly makes me feel like I can’t call out any toxic behaviors they do. But I have to be honest with myself and stop invalidating what’s going on.

[@abracadaverous]

I'm so sorry. I dealt with this too. My mom wanted me to be grateful that she didn't beat me like her parents had done to her. But as a child I would pray that she would switch to hitting me, both so I could understand what was happening, and so I would have some way of defending myself. I had no frame of reference for the manipulation, mind games, or why I was expected to raise myself *and* bring her coffee in bed on my own school days. Bottom line: Your parents did not grant their parents permission to abuse them, but that does not give them permission to abuse you. Like many abusive parents, they may think they are not abusing you because they are not beating you, but let me state clearly that that's some horseshit. It's just a way for them to avoid truly confronting their own damage. They do not have the right to work out their demons on you.

[@fictionalfinesse]

One thing my mom told me she learned too late was that sometimes it is ok to give a longer time expectation for a chore to get done instead of insisting right now. She said it wasn't worth the fights.

[@SomethingNewAMBW]

This! in so many cases, i feel "forgiveness" is used as a manipulation tactic, and it needs to stop. not everyone is worthy of forgiveness nor acceptance of their bs. sometimes the best decision is to move on with your life and to remove their toxicity from you. your peace of mind and mental and emotional health is priceless, and shouldn't be compromised. we are not walking transactions for parents to cashin on. you DO NOT OWE your parents a thing, you didn't ask to be here. your health is wealth, and forgiveness and/or acceptance isn't a prerequisite nor obligation.