Learning to Trust Again After Trust Was Lost

What does moving forward in your marriage look like after trust has been lost? In this episode, we're addressing this very question from one of our listeners. Join us as we unpack this question and give you tangible tools to move forward.
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[@stephaniemckown7489]

Holy cow! This hits close to home! I'm this woman but my husband refuses to get help. He will listen to these podcasts and will read a book with me but he won't get one on one counseling. It's called safeguarding yourself! No matter how much it's been worked through you still have to safeguard yourself. Man i feel for this lady. I don't blame her one bit for not wanting him to work side by side with a younger girl!!! I would grieve everytime he went to work.

[@MsBrandyDanielle]

I’ve got to say I’m a little surprised by this response. We listen to your episodes every week and by God’s grace have grown greatly in our marriage that has also been hit with betrayal. I fully understand the wife’s point of view, as well as your response of not letting fear take control. At the same time, the husband’s work place (as well as his unfaithful heart posture) has caused sin to take root. Seeing a cute female vs working/sleeping/living for a couple nights a week with said female are completely different scenarios. As well as being in an environment where sins like porn are heavily condoned can be causing the husband unnecessary temptation that he could remove himself from. Having the status as a hero, cool job surprised me as being the priority here. We’re called to flee from sin and cut off our hand if it’s causing us to sin. In this case- the husband’s job has been the source of the temptations he wasn’t able to overcome. He’s proven that he can lie to his wife for years on end with 10 years of porn use while he’s away at night. It’s only been a year since she caught him. Is it unreasonable to think he needs to take more responsibility and remove himself from that job, if even temporarily until he matures and proves himself faithful? It sounds like they’re on the right path with counseling and spiritual guidance.

[@TheFredericks]

The primary issues in view here are the fact that A) he has taken steps to remedy the problems in the past, and per her own words, he's a better man than he's ever been. At what point will she trust him if not after dealing with the issues and passing time? And, B) the mistaken idea that changing his vocation will alleviate the concerns she's having since both temptations persist in every vocation (the mention of his job being desirable are secondary and even tertiary to this main issue). If he's in a firehouse that is abnormally inclined toward temptation (hyper-normalization of porn/infidelity, overtly flirtatious female coworkers), then that would be a different conversation. We did not get that sense from her message. It is not a given that a man (or anyone) who has sinned and repented in their past will repeat the same sin. It doesn't mean he will never be tempted, but to act as if he will inevitably repeat a past sin could indicate either a lack of fully dealing with it relationally or a lack of belief that sanctification has taken place. I believe we addressed both of those implicit beliefs. (-Ryan)

[@stephaniemckown7489]

@TheFredericks the mere fact that the wife is having some severe concerns with him working g side by side with another female tells me that the previous issue hasn't been resolved with them. He may be a better man than before but that doesn't indicate to me that it's fully resolved. Even if she says it is. The fact that she's bothered says otherwise.

[@TheFredericks]

@@stephaniemckown7489 Agreed that it needs to be fully resolved (100%) and they need to talk/work until it is. It may mean her trusting where trust is due, and it may mean him making career adjustments as needed. They need to work that out in unity.

[@MsBrandyDanielle]

I’m not a keyboard warrior here. My husband I and appreciate, respect, and support your ministry very much and have for a couple years now. Your biblical insight has helped us grow and stay grounded in truth. I was just a bit surprised by the somewhat apathetic response to the betrayed wife on this one. She says she feels dismissed and unheard by her husband which indicates there’s a lack of sanctification happening on his end. Seems like she just wants to put a boundary in place to safeguard what is sacred, the marriage. He could remain in the same vocation and remove himself from overnight’s with another woman and temptation so that there’s time to rebuild trust and show his wife their marriage is priority. She says he won’t consider it or even talk through it with her even though he knows she’s hurt. There’s risk on both ends to trust again and to rebuild what he’s broken. I pray the wife found some encouragement to help them forward from your answer.

[@michellebradley4175]

I think you missed it on this one unfortunately. Trust is earned. He has been sneaky in the past after she discovered (key point- not admitted just discovered by her) his breaking of trust. After she confronted him, he hid his communication. He should have gone above and beyond the other way, cutting off communication altogether if his relationship with his wife was his number one earthly relationship. Asking him to switch shifts or jobs is reasonable. Having all the time available in the job is setting up the opportunity for him to stumble in a way that he is weak. “And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell” mark 9:47

[@katiepoukey6829]

This was really good! I really appreciate the wisdom in the comment section too. One thing that i feel was missed, and we dont know her prayer life or how she is praying regarding this situation, is that she needs to pray over her husbands mind and heart daily. "Father God. Please watch over my husband today and everyday. Protect his heart. Clear his heart of temptation and help him to focus on his family and his work. Surround him with support and Godly friends at his work and throughout all of life so that our marriage is protected. Help us to grow closer together in connection and love. Help me to love and forgive my husband. Clear and renew my mind free of anxious thoughts and help me to grow in trust for him. Help me to be authentic in my love for him and to support him in his work and build us so that we can bring Glory to you and the World in our marriage. Amen"

[@katiepoukey6829]

Sometimes we just don't know how to pray or exactly what to pray for. Especially when we are in the situation and/or to close to it to think clearly. Sometimes we feel guilty for praying because we really don't have it that 'bad' and other people need more prayer than we do and we muster the strength to try and tackle it ourselves and it doesn't work or fix the problem. God wants that connection. He wants to hear your heart and work to shape things for the better. He is omnipotent and can handle all the BIG and small problems and has more than enough space for each and everyone of us. Anyway, just my two sense. It seems that everyone I work with has a hard time praying over their own hearts/problems and thought I would mention it. She should also be praying every time her anxiousness seeps in. 'God I rebuke these negative, untrusting thoughts from my husband. I see the work he has done to fix our problems and I trust you to guide us to the better most highest outcome from this situation. Renew my mind to love him, honor him, trust him and support him. Protect us God, Amen"

[@aprilsipe1608]

Porn is extremely hard to stop and her fear is very valid! And Porn usually leads to extramarital affairs

[@TheFredericks]

Yes, porn is extremely addictive, which is why we recommended setting up systems and creating a communication culture that deals with both the temptation as well as the wife's concerns. Both should be addressed, though in this episode we questioned the idea that asking him to change his vocation was the best/only way to do that.

[@rachelb2574]

Loved what you had to say on this very delicate and intimate subject. Very respectfully done. Our marriage has been tested with similar issues, and your words were greatly encouraging! Keep up the great work in pointing marriages to Christ!

[@TheFredericks]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@Jrogden87]

You guys are awesome. I 100% appreciate you’re biblically biased answers- even(or especially) when they ruffle a few feathers.. keep on keepin’ on ❤

[@amandanorton4206]

Thankk youuu

[@lisa_keepgod1st254]

i needed this thank you so much. for i to am dealing with my husband seaky another woman. and we been married 14 years with 4 kids

[@davidpritchett855]

How this can look for a man and how it looks for me. Wife only communicates problems in massive outbursts then apologizes afterwards. I didn't understand the issues because she apologized and said she shouldn't feel that way afterwards and it was stuff that I didn't see as wrong. Add in issues of mental health and depression and the fact that these outbursts lined up with hormonal swings. No biblical issues with what I was doing, there were communication issues and empathy issues. Hating me because I was providing the income and she couldn't provide an income that justified me leaving my job or us using childcare. She grew up expecting to be earning a significant portion of the family's money similar to her mother and she does not have monetarily secure skills. Now we are separated and I am doing my best to prove to her that I can be better. I can confidently say and she agreed that there is no biblical or moral basis for what she is doing. She sees me as gas lighting her because I trusted she would be honest with me about issues so I was operating on only a fraction of the information. Women do not ever expect your man to understand what you are to ashamed to tell him or think he should just know or be able to figure out.

[@asdfgqeh]

Ok so it sounds like he's done the work, has she? Has she gone to counseling to work through her trauma? No matter how much work he puts in, if she has not, it's not going to get better. Like you said some firefighters only work 2 days a week so is he working all the time for overtime to keep up with a life style she wants? Is she willing to give up a certain lifestyle in order to have her husband home more so she can watch him? Like you said how is she helping him in the covenant. I'm not attacking this woman by any means, but I think all too often it's hard for some women to see their own actions because we get so emotional and men are more logical, probably why he's not going to bring the issue back up because he thinks the situation is no longer an issue.