LIMERENCE: Should you go no contact with your LO?

[@yonitznkc]

I had (have) a disconnected mother AND a now deceased alcoholic father. I learned of my limerence just about a month ago. Having a word for it, and expert advice for it, are great help now. 🙏

[@evitapkcoaching]

Having a word for our experience opens up so many doors into understanding it. Glad you are here.

[@rockrecordreport7136]

Limerence is result of serious wounding in your childhood or upbringing (rejection / abandonment) - and so sounds like a nearly impossible thing to overcome. But I like how you said that sometimes stone cold turkey is not going to be the way. I just had a nice evening out with my LO (first time in a couple of years) so that I could tell myself it could be done. And I did not call or text the next day to say it was nice to get out and do something again, I simply decided it was better to not call and confirm anything, and treat it like nothing special at all. Just take it for what it in reality was, just regular friends going out and nothing more. And expect nothing more going forward. Maybe we will go out again in 6 months and maybe never again. I'm going to stay busy with other things that make me happy and try not to think about the LO at all even if we just had a good night out. I'm not going to ever get them to be romantic or sexual with me unless they decide to. Not my main concern.

[@jendabekCZ]

The true limerence is when you can't really focus on almost anything, you don't sleep well etc. What you are experiencing seems more like a strong crush or some light version of limerence to me. But I am happy for you to be fine :)

[@HelloImadamn]

⁠@@jendabekCZI think you misunderstood OP: they went out after 2 years and DIDN'T have those deep, obsessive thoughts. They beat limerence.

[@elodiegradlife6904]

3:18 deep connection not met 6:18 whatever the person does or does not to serve our fantasy 6:49 like an addiction, from really happy to really sad, roller coaster 10:15 in the choice of no contact, catch yourself to not project this to new person 11:20 they became the vehicle 12:29 no contact while at the same time work on yourself 13:17 controlling the time when you are allowing yourself thinking of them 15:21 reality and getting to know them in real life can be a cure

[@GerardGordon-bu9gf]

I usually go no contact and work on my issues that led me to limerence. I don't see it as helpful being in contact and it prolongs the feelings for them.

[@sychiang88]

Yes pretend to be friends is hurting.

[@flower_7890]

That's true, every time I obsessed about someone ( not really knowing them) once I got to know them and they showed me interest I was no longer obsessed. "NOT KNOWING " them was exciting, not the reality 😢

[@HelloImadamn]

This. I'm the same way. The limerence is when I'm not with them or I'm in a relationship with them.

[@markgandrau5618]

Your videos on limerence are the best description of how I'm feeling, thank you for sharing your wisdom.

[@NB-lx6gz]

I went no contact about a year ago. There was no other way. Blocked him everywhere.

[@symfonik-pl]

True 😢

[@Kareena1988]

Omg..I did that today. Finally.

[@symfonik-pl]

@@Kareena1988 It’s working. Be strong and not give up!

[@tnt01]

You are strong.👍

[@ramonaflorentina8308]

i thought I just have a special way of falling in love, this video came for my soul...

[@evitapkcoaching]

In a way, it is a special way of falling love.. a controlled special way.

[@sychiang88]

Thank you! In addition to No contact, you also mentioned “reality” is the antidote, it really is. Especially when my LO is my co worker, sometimes the competition at work is just too keen for me to have Limerence, the competition will bring me back to reality.

[@kaitlinmiaka3818]

My Limerence started when my handyman asked me to an event (where all his friends were gonna be there.) I thought he was just being friendly but What was weird was he kinda persisted at the time even though I declined a few times. That said, he kinda made it clear that he wasn’t trying to hit on me. It was mixed signals for sure. I was so confused. I didn’t end up going to the event but After a few days I started thinking about him. It feels like coming down on something.

[@constantinos1516]

I had a disconnected mother in my childhood, which led to those feelings of insecurity and limerence (good to finally have a word for it). For me, it's a bit more tricky as my LO is my housemate. As there's no option to move out for a while, I prefer the option to be realistic, put them off the pedestal, and get to know them better and see their real personality, character, traits, etc. Thanks for the thorough explanation and the tips.

[@amberm5626]

I've only just discovered your channel, and I'd like to express many thanks for sharing about this topic. I'm on a healing journey, and your channel is by far the best that I've found on this. I look forward to watching and learning more.

[@pasionvegetariana]

Por desgracia en mi idioma no hay vídeos de este tipo, pero con las bases de inglés que tengo te entiendo bastante bien. Llevo más de 6 meses sin mirar su perfil, pero no es suficiente. Nada que logro sacarlo de mi mente. En mi caso no recibí amor por parte de mi papá, solo maltrato físico y verbal. Espero tus vídeos me sigan ayudando a superar esta condición tan dolorosa.

[@evitapkcoaching]

Sabes que - me has dado una idea. Quizas voy hacer algunos videos en español hablando de limerence. I have to practice y ver si es possible con la terminologia pero, lo intentare 💜

[@oceanside9508]

I have a pretty big problem though. Because my LO is my female coworker. I have a very cordial, casual type of acquaintance with her. I wouldn’t exactly say we’re friends, but we are friendly towards each other. We joke around, talk about life, share some common interests, talk about work etc. I can relate 100% to everything you describe in the video. You really hit the nail on the head. She has a boyfriend and has no idea that I’m secretly obsessed with her. Thing is, even if she didn’t have a boyfriend, I’d have a difficult time making a move because I know she doesn’t feel the same way for me. I’m sure I never even cross her mind, and when I do, maybe I am just a “decent, slightly awkward guy” to her, whom she doesn’t actively dislike but isn’t fond of either. To get real with myself, It’s clear to see she doesn’t care about me, she’s obviously not interested. I know this. However, I still can’t let go and stop looking for these “signs” you mention. Point is, I can’t go no contact with her. And I can’t quit the job. Can I just maintain the veneer of a “friendly coworker” and that maybe my feelings for her will fade with time?

[@HelloImadamn]

This is difficult. But as they say, "when certainty arrives, limerence dies." If we decide to not have them as an LO, the bond fades because it's actually just a neural pathway that is excited in our brain (one of thoughts of worthlessness, needing rescue, depression, etc.) I'm wondering if you could give an update on what happened in the last few months and how it's going now. I hope you're better.

[@katenoble5810]

Ive just recently learned of this subject of limerence & i think this is a Brilliant study & acknowledgment. Finally there is a break through in this field of the mind & heart ; its very real & such a relief knowing the root of the damage has finally been discovered. Im curious as to what percentage of the population is entangled in this web of chaotic pain. Just guessing i would say 1 out of 3 people are suffering with this illusion of limerence. Its a maze in the rabbit holes of our lives & sadly most have no clue what { limerence ,} is, so many thanks !!!... to all the hard work of researchers & counselors delving into this topic. ♥️💯🎯

[@Separo1]

@Evita: Thank you for your gentleness and the way to explain limerence and how to reduce the addiction

[@jendabekCZ]

No contact itself isn't enough, at least from my experience. It actually got even worse over time.

[@suryakalyan1183]

Yeah processing those emotions and identifying the root causes of your limerence is needed… you can’t just look away… the brain has these thought patterns which are formed again and again and are not so easy to erase…

[@arnowillekes7979]

I fell into dark limerence in january but due to childhood trauma i am quickly discovering i have my own ‘quiet’ cluster b problems…i of course broke up with a hissy fit, with immediate regret coming on as to maybe hurting someone with similar traumas 😢

[@mariaalejandra2011]

Que maravillosos videos, muy agradecida por su sabiduría y la manera tan terapéutica de explicar esta terrible adicción, soy alcohólica con cinco años de sobriedad y en mi quinto año he tocado fondo con la Limerencia, aquí estoy con mucho dolor trabajando en mi interior y llorando el duelo de mi infancia dolorosa... Que Dios me siga dando fortaleza de superar todo escape de mi realidad 🙏

[@claradenijs7284]

Thank you so much for this! I just found out there is an actual term for what I'm doing. Unsafe childhood, and found out only 6 months ago, at age 56, I have ADHD. Does limerence occur more often with people with ADHD? Now I know what I'm getting myself into, I can soothe myself, or at least be rational about being irrational. :) I really loved the way you explained this. So clear, calm and reassuring. It still has to sink in a little bit, but I always feel so empowered if I understand ME. Thank you.🙏🏼

[@2brunhilda]

I have adhd too and have wondered about that

[@ernarc23]

I have now listened to 3 of your videos and am truly impressed with your wisdom, maturity and the way in which you see and think. Thank you for coming ijnto my energy field.

[@HarrySJD]

Just wanted to thank you for these series of videos. These don't change your life overnight but show you a path forward that can help bit by bit by bit.

[@robertobata4338]

You provided for me some new angles to explore so thank you. I have had some success in reducing the grip that limerence has had on me by reducing the amount of fantasy surrounding the LO. By taking a hard look at what thoughts are actually feel more "real" than extraneous "window dressing", I've removed a lot of the fog that makes it difficult to see a way out. It took me to a place that made me feel I had more agency.

[@allisona9490]

I am actually friends with my LO. I played a sport with him for two seasons. We grew up in the same neighborhood and would run into each other throughout the years. We also have lots of family connections and mutual friends. I got to know him better And liked him more. And I told him and he didn't answer my text. I keep wondering what I did wrong and have been having a hard time shaking it even after that.

[@rockrecordreport7136]

He was not able to burst your bubble. He was being kind rather the forthright. I'm sorry the response was not positive.

[@katemustermann2765]

Try to remember parts of your relationship where he neglected you or where he did not respect you before and you thought about him "what is this stupid behaviour of him?🤨" if you remember that, reply that in your head to keep the negative Image about him. This way you feel like you don't need him because he does not deserve you.

[@evitapkcoaching]

You've done nothing wrong. Part of owning up to our feelings is, being ready to handle any response that may indicate rejection. Silence is usually one of those responses.

[@KsyuSmith]

I found myself in a similar-ish situation: I fell for my good friend who I’d always admired. He never reciprocated and is now happily living with his new girlfriend, both happy and planning on getting married. Last month I told him about my feelings and said I needed to break the friendship off as it was too painful. He understood, promised me to be there for me whenever I decided to resume the friendship and well…. I went no contact ever since. Been three weeks now :) really hoping to let go off of the feeling and move on to a better more fulfilling life. Good luck to you ❤ sending you a hug

[@tnt01]

Don't you think silence is cruel if someone opens up to you? Why not send a simple text or email saying they are not romantically interested? Where is the courtesy and respect?

[@mosw23]

Spot on all this Evita. I went the gradual withdrawal. Over 5 years after spending 3 years in dualiu. 😉😉 Doing much better and starting to do stuff for me.. only thing is I still imagine being admired occasionally and hope to see/ meet them just to see what they were really like and what they wanted . I have found like you said that I have transferred by limerence onto different people while going through it. A difficult path but feeling better. Thanks for your video really spot on !!!

[@countvespasian1659]

Fantastic video, it all makes a lot of sense, I have limmerent out of fear of abandonment. I have told the person my feelings , they are live a long way away and if course I have 'chosen' soneone who is therefore unavailable...I realise what I done! I have had relationships before...I think this isn't the first time I've been had Limmerance though! All knowledge is power!!

[@evitapkcoaching]

Indeed it is. Glad you are here & glad you are learning.

[@fredslayton]

I realized around 13 I can only love those I don't "love". I either obsess over them or I care "just enough" to want to be with them and treat them well. But I still don't understand what love is at 45 yrs old. It stinks.

[@theantt21]

I definitely suffer from this or shall I say suffered now that I am becoming awakened to it. It’s crazy what the mind can do when you are deprived of happiness and affection. It’s like when your feeling negative and you tell yourself to think positive but all you’ve done is created a fantasy instead of confronted the negative emotion.

[@ElizabethLennox-q7q]

@Evita thank you so much for your gentle way of explaining Limerence my LO is a priest! How I got to this place is very complex but I am trying to look at him and interact with him as a normal person.

[@marie-christineslesser3094]

The best session I have heard about Limerence. Thank you so much for your very structured way of presenting this huge problem. Discovering your chanel today and looking forward to listening to you again on your next themes.

[@ralukafit5064]

Thank you. You explained it so well and I find it extremely helpful for my healing ❤

[@James-fm4jx]

Here's another song for our obsession What A Fool Believes. Doobie Brothers

[@poojayadav-ps9kj]

Can't thank you enough , going through exactly the same situation

[@esha1209]

you are godsent

[@vhm2002]

I agree ❤

[@evitapkcoaching]

💜💜💜

[@loydchristmas23]

This was very eye opening. My avoidant ex who i was experiencing limerance with was either very in love with me or was experiencing limerance as well. We were so in love then suddenly she ended it. Devastated.

[@agceh]

I know my LO for 1.5 year now. We meeted up in person a lot. Texted a lot, she rejected me a couple of times but remained friends. A week ago we went on vacation together for 5 days. Sleeping together but that wasnt the big issue. She started dating somebody quite serious. And she was texting with him a lot, and when we were on vacation that other guy booked a vacation to the maldives with her and she rubbed it in my eyes. I couldnt even enjoy this vacation.. im at a point that there is so much more damage and pain that i even dont care about the relationship anymore. After the vacation i said that im having some private problems and told her to dont text me and leave me alone... so im in nearly 1 week NC. Is this a wright thing to do? Or should i do it different? Ofcourse im ruminating everything and also a lot of grieve so this is a hard ride atm. But if i keep contact up it will only take longer... im in pain and nobody knows. Its a lonely ride

[@jacklondon295]

My god. I’m becoming limerent with Evita.😂😂😂The woman of my dreams.

[@evitapkcoaching]

Oh my. I’m here doing all this work & saying all these things & you do the exact opposite! 😂

[@dianehurst-wright7749]

Went no contact for 2.5 months after I was in situation ship with LO. It was harsh but I needed to detach from him. I worked on myself and healed lots. I started getting limerent again due to no contact so I made contact again but minimal. I had to be strong when he started acting romantic and I put a stop to it. We have maintained being acquaintances and that seems to work best for us. I get the reality check that I need without getting swept away.

[@ISABEL-HM]

It's not that easy because sometimes the other person denies , blameshift and gaslith you saying that yes, there is connection. Specially in family

[@sandrine6994]

Thank you Evita for this very interesting video. I’m obsessing over a person for now 6 years ( yes !)and really thought I was crazy. That’s great help to put a name on it. I was a neglected child and really feel this addiction with high when we get in contact and low or depressed when I try to quit. I have a question though. I’ve been in reality with this person from the bigining. We had intimate relations every now and then. He kept rejecting me and in 6 years I ´ve been at 99 % the only one to initiate contact. Is that limerence or just stupidity ? When I fo for no contact ,l really feel depressed and keep chasing him on social médias. Is that however the best thing to do ?

[@LMM93]

It doesn’t help when the LO gives you physical items. I can’t even bring myself to look at said items in fear of triggering myself neither can I throw them out because I hold such a high value for them. 😢

[@francesvitug7646]

Thanks for this. I really need this now

[@abes2758]

What happens if he’s in the social eye and you want to not see him or find anything out but it’s unavoidable and it’s so painful

[@tehilamalka3221]

How can I disconnect from my lo and assure myself that I am not moving to a new lo and concentrate on my life? Is this even possible?

[@mahiaggarwal6286]

I've had a limerent object from the age of 13 to 19 , he rejected me and I somehow moved on too . In 2022, I've gotten limerent with another person in 2022. Now, there's this marriage thing going on with my first LO. IDK if I should go with it or not. Our families want us to marry. I'm afraid if I get limerent again with this person because i completely moved on with him. Also, my heart is aching to leave this second LO with whom I'm currently involved with.

[@evitapkcoaching]

Complicated. Hoping through what you are learning you get some more clarity as to what's the best option for you.

[@zolongOne]

Marry him, limerence isn't real love, and you can't get limerence with the same person after it ends.

[@sychiang88]

Thank you Evita. When try to meet the LO in reality, what if we are co workers and they will always smile and sweet at work, it is hard to meet the real them. Any suggestions?

[@sunnygemini7099]

Mine passed away. I dont know how to grieve them.

[@aleksandar.calcina]

I am a bit confused. Limerence is only when you fantasize about a person that is actually not part of your life (like a fantasy boyfriend-girlfriend) or can limerence be also too much fantasy about your current partner?

[@willemfeather2655]

So good. So helpful. Thanks so much. Would love to hear your wisdom re: limerence with one's therapist.

[@yasisoufi]

What if limerence is happening over someone in a long distance relationship and meeting is impossible?

[@cobalto65]

So im trying to figure out if im limerant. I was in a stage of dating this person, im aware I don't fully know everything about her, I know she has a bunch of psychological issues, im super aware I don't like she is not very organized about her time and agenda and its not very good at comiting. Things seemed to be doing ok, but I had mental breakdown due to beign anxious a few moths ago and the first thing that happend is that she asked for space, she contacted me a few days later and told me to go to her clay workshop as she knew my therapist told me to do manual arts. And the thing that makes me mostly thinks she cares is that she refuses to charge me for it and sometime we hang out and she hugs me and tells me im great and stuff like that.

[@eplv3432]

These vides are gold! Keep up the great work!

[@emeraldxtouch]

Thank you so much for this video.

[@poojayadav-ps9kj]

This is so accurate

[@_gift_editz]

i need your advice please, I've been rejected by my LO in a polite way Tho but instead of getting over him it only grew worse and its 3yrs+ and I'm still overly obsess with him. And no contact isn't working cos i tend to think about him even when i don't want to. Plus, his very nice to me and he's like my therapist something like that and that makes it so hard to get over him.im so confused and don't know what to do

[@GreenCloud492]

I am obsessed with a man and I don't really care too much with his negative traits. I still like him. It is like my brain is ignoring those bad traits of him. This is so awful. I wish it is so easy to dislike a LO because of how rude, ugly, or stupid he/she is. In fact, even if he pushes me away, I am still forcing him to answer my messages and calls and act as if he didn't break up with me. I feel so bad right now. My heart feels so heavy but I can't stop myself. Should I focus more on thinking about how bad he is? I am confused whether what i feel for him a true love or just limerence? They say that when you're in love, you can suffer and ignore everything just to be with him/her, but what I do now is I am forcing him to stay with me. Will it become true love if I let him go?

[@danijelamalisic2243]

I excepted reality...I see his many imperfections...Im aware of that. But we are in some kind of connection...and he is avoidant...he doesnt have feelings for me or he doesnt want to talk about it. Im not sure where we stand, where we are...that makes me to think about him whole day

[@hsnwfl7766]

Look up dissmisive avoidant attachment style, or the 4 attachment styles.

[@Graham-zh4cp]

Brilliant I thought getting of coke was tough definitely no contact and stick at it

[@gstar1229]

Brilliant explanation.. Thankyou ❤

[@ISABEL-HM]

What happened when you accept realitie but the other person says that yes, there's connection, they love you, and it's your imagination and gives you breadcrumb. In family sometimes they say there is connection when it's not and they blame you to leave

[@theantt21]

Then they are blatantly leading you on and taking advantage of you to boost their ego. If you saw them for what they were you wouldn’t feel the way you feel about them in reality. You unfortunately are filling in the holes with limerence that person doesn’t deserve your time.

[@bloowave]

My LO wants me in the friendzone . I’ve had to state that I’m lucky I have lots of friends and it’s hard to keep up with them . I’m going cold Turkey but if she wants a bit more than just friends , I’m there for her . She knew from the start I was into her and not looking for a new friend .

[@dmace81]

Same I had it hit me after spending time with her at work. I told her that if im distancing myself she'll know why. She toned down the way she was but few days later shes basically the same. I lost my wife going on 2 years. This woman is pregnant i dont know if thats anything to do with it or not.

[@nafeeahnaf6296]

what to do when your LO is your best friend?

[@KytexEdits]

Hey, Evita, you said infatuation over someone you barely know, mine just recently has been about a friend I know quite deeply, she went away on a trip, around this time it started, got really bad, I'm confused though, since I do know her well...

[@aznprsuazn2]

I can't tell if I'm in limerence or just dealing with an avoidant or both. We dated off and on for 1.5 years. Very intimate conversations, dates, intimacy, etc. Have expressed our love for each other, but he just couldn't commit. I'm having a difficult time not thinking about him and while I'm in NC, I still miss him terrible even after not seeing him for over a year (he's military) nor speaking with him for over 5 months. Is this limerence?

[@kurtallen12]

Question. So I'm limerent for a co worker, which means I cannot completely go no contact. We work at a store and have intersecting shifts often. And it feels like the solution would be to simulate no contact the best I can in the situation. But the reality being an antidote section at the end...this person has expressed desire to get together outside of work which I imagine is a terrible idea for "feeding" the limerence. But "getting to know them" you suggest can also break the spell. Thoughts on this?

[@andreaberg1735]

Do you know she is not interested?

[@tnt01]

Is she is not interested or available, stay away.

[@dineshshewale2571]

Going through limerence phase since 1.5 year

[@mirakaradjova3500]

Thank you for this video. I have a question: does this mean that limerence is a reflection of not just us being unable to connect emotionally with another person, but us not being able to let someone in and welcome them? Thank you!

[@evitapkcoaching]

Yes, amongst other things that are happening in the background. I have many videos on limerence, check out the playlist in the description box.

[@cristianbacu4010]

So... what is a family constellation?

[@rockrecordreport7136]

I guess you've never had that either. It's the immediate family and family members surrounding them.

[@cristianbacu4010]

@@rockrecordreport7136 Thanks! There are a lot of things about family and society I don't know anything about.

[@dineshshewale2571]

Need help, its killing me

[@jendabekCZ]

Visit some therapist, talk with a good friend, do long walks.

[@GreenCloud492]

I feel the same. It feels like it is killing me. I did talk to a good friend but still I am obsessed with him. I haven't tried talking with the therapists because they will just say what the therapists on youtube say. I did long walks but all I think on every step was him. Accepting the reality is easy to say but I always procrastinate it because my brain doesn't want to do it. It is so hard and makes my head and heart hurt. I wanna scape from this.

[@jamiehanley3419]

Hi. How you getting on?

[@James-fm4jx]

Is it my ego or subconscious thoughts making me obsessed

[@katenoble5810]

@James-fm4jx ... If I may , imo ego & subconscious are being manipulated by the underlying issues of childhood neglect & grief from it so they all intermingle in the limerence person.

[@ramonaflorentina8308]

people can say what they want i know him #jk

[@mrbrightside7193]

Hi I have a QUESTION!! I identify with everything about Limerence, except the fact that I know the person very very well and we had a romantic relationship. Does that mean I am more of an obsessive instead of limerant?

[@Userlollll]

That’s what I thought excatly with my crush who blocked me after talkin for 2months n I was too obsessive for him eventually got blocked after begging and pleadin, but I’m sure if I knew him little bit better my limerance would kind a fade away cause it’s lack of info. Now we are in 2 months of no contact the first month was just terrible month of grieving now it’s better but I am somwhere trapped between wanting to forget and wanting to hold on in to it.❤️‍🩹

[@Userlollll]

Can someone or the creator advice amd help me if you see this??

[@sicpuppyblahblah]

The moment we separate head and heart we invite trouble. Our thoughts are agile but our emotions take time. In this situation I usually find my thinking is aligned with the right path (unrequited love means move on) but the radical learning and recipe for change is in the emotions. It's there that I find information on how I better love and care for myself. I've recently moved on from a significant rejection and am incredibly grateful for the experience. Overcoming fear is incredibly liberating. I shared my feelings directly with her and was met with silence and breadcrumbs. It's painful and I've moved on with no contact and what's beautiful now is dating again and being with a woman who's available and excited to spend time, emotionally available and amazing intimacy. You're an amazing person and this world is wonderful so invest in someone who celebrates you ❤