Living with Autism: My Secret

[@montikarla]

I feel like most people don't have their lives together, but try to convince themselves that they do. I also feel like I have masked so hard for so long that I don't even know who I am anymore. I just want to curl up and read all day, but I must go to work. Another day of pretending to be "normal."

[@InLoveWithVintage]

I don’t have to go to work, but I am realizing that I might have masked so damn hard in my life which would kind of explain the internal tug or war I’ve always felt

[@tallulah320]

This is so true. I get told to smile sometimes. It's exhausting to match everyone. I wish my life was better. More like what everyone thinks it is. I'm glad there are people here that understand what it feels it.

[@montikarla]

@tallulah320 I want to scream when people tell me to smile. It's like do you want me to smile or to function?

[@Scotsman-On-The-Spectrum]

Hey Claire, I can relate so much with what you say. I only found out at 37 in August 2023 that I was Autistic. I don’t have it all together. In actual fact, I have very little together at the moment. I was under the impression that getting my diagnosis would help me navigate better but it’s literally increased the gas lighting of me. I’m seen as the problem a lot. Nobody that I know neurotypically has taken a moment to say to me that I’m needing cut some slack. Nobody ever asks me if I’m okay or not? My wife is neurotypical and I really want her to understand Autism and how it impacts me on a daily basis but I feel that she thinks because I’ve navigated through life struggling with myself and highly masking, I don’t need that cuddle or rub on the back to say that despite struggling, I will be alright. I cannot lower my mask because the backlash I’d face seems worse than how keeping my mask on is making me feel. It’s like an animal being kept in captivity and not ever being released into the wild to thrive. I know I’m relatively new to your channel but I’d very much like to be friends and part of this judgement free community you have here. Just know, you aren’t alone as many of us feel the same. Take care and god bless…Derek ❤

[@wendyfollett8099]

You will be alright Derek but it's a hard road we travel. I just figured myself out last year and I'm 65 and waiting for official diagnosis. I have absolutely no idea how I got this far but probably just because I'm so very stubborn! At least those of us who visit with Claire know that we are not alone. I don't think she understands the importance of what she is doing here but it's a valued corner of KZbin. To you and to Claire I say "stick around "!

[@CatsandHatsCrochet]

That is so hard Derek. You are seen here and we can relate to your struggles ❤ I am late diagnosed also, at 35 (now 36). -Elyse

[@Scotsman-On-The-Spectrum]

@@CatsandHatsCrochet Hey Elyse, Thank you so much for your kind supportive words. It’s so hard feeling like the majority of the world doesn’t care about my disability. It’s literally being ignored or played down. I’ve never felt so lonely since my diagnosis. It’s like I have something to say but no voice to say it as most won’t listen to me 😔. I really appreciate being made to feel like I’m not being dramatic or ramming it down people’s throats about me being Autistic. If it was a choice, I’d choose not to be as I have generalised anxiety disorder too that my GP won’t medicate. I feel sick at times with how anxious I feel. I spend the majority of my life within Autistic Burnout and it’s caused me a few breakdowns throughout my life. It has caused me to try and take my own life on 3 separate occasions. The first being when I was a child and the last time I tried was back in 2019. I work full time because I cannot afford not to as life is just too expensive not to work. It comes at a cost to my health when I’m burnt out by the end of a day with exhaustion due to masking. I know if I lowered my mask, I’d lose everything I have; my wife, my job, the roof over my head. This is why I have to find it in me to try to keep going. One day at a time and see each day I can get by in life as a win. Sorry for the long response but it’s needed for me to get this off my chest to people who understand. Thank you, Derek ❤️

[@T.T.M.60]

I feel your struggles as well. I’m 65, diagnosed at 60. I’m still trying to figure out things. It’s a process and sometimes a hard one. I love this channel and how I do feel seen here. You are seen!

[@badraster7909]

I feel for and with you so much, Derek. Thank you for commenting, even though it made me cry a little bit to read. I am really lucky to have my fellow diagnosed little sister to talk openly to, but other than that nobody *really* knows. Part of that is just lack of education and not knowing what to ask, and part of it is me staying buttoned up about my autism bc I still don’t know how to talk about it. I got diagnosed about 3 years ago. I obviously don’t have any answers, but keep visiting spaces like these. Hopefully it’ll help both of us get our thoughts collected about our experiences, possible useful accommodations, and how to communicate about them. I’m slowly opening up more to my boyfriend, I’m thinking of taking some quizzes like the CAT-Q with him and sharing a few videos. You should check out the channel “I’m Autistic Now What?” because she’s married too and she and her husband talk about their journey of learning and accepting. It gives me hope at least. I’m wishing you and all of us some peace and grace with ourselves. We’re not alone and I think we’ll be ok. We’re lucky to live in a time of blossoming, actually well-done research and community-building in the autistic world, I don’t think everything is hopeless. Sending lots of love to you.

[@passaggioalivello]

The best part about having no one in your life is that communication is minimal. So less stress.

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

Yes, although that can also mask things for longer and the social communication is just one aspect of the condition. But yes, it does make it a lot less stressful.

[@michaelxz85]

Stress and anxiety drain my energy levels every day.

[@B13._]

Me too for sure when I clamor onto gratitude or a pleasing moment it does help. But so hard to maintain.

[@humanBonsai]

Claire my impression is that you come across as most “at home” on KZbin when you are reflecting on life, whether that be porch coffee or reflecting on your Autistic experiences, and when you are telling us about your special interest. I know nothing about yarn and it’s a million miles from my interests, but I have never watched so many yarn videos in my life cos I love how you share your enjoyment and enthusiasm in your passion. Some of your deep reflections on your Autism have been such profound explorations of our Autistic experience that they stand out amongst all the other KZbinrs. For those videos who cares how infrequent they are, they are golden. Sorry for long post, you know, Autism…

[@solgirl9]

I have always struggled with communication since childhood. misunderstood galore! A work in progress for life. We are all always learning and growing. 💖

[@amberjeanne9308]

I was once told about focusing on spiritual excellence instead of material excellence. What I mean by spiritual excellence is a focus on selflessness, forgiveness, compassion, humility, gratitude, honesty, love, detachment, responsibility, etc... material excellence is kind of the focus I feel society puts on us which focuses on consuming, buying, financial wealth. I find that when I can remember my life goal is spiritual excellence I feel much more like I have my life together. You do have your life together and being in a period of learning is a constant throughout life. I do feel like I get stuck and these are the things that bring me comfort. Hope you have a wonderful day and thank you for all you do, I love watching every week

[@redhawkredhawk77com]

Claire... 26 is not old!! 😘 As always, the raw honesty and vulnerability is refreshing. I'm going through the same "will I ever have it all together" internal drama and have come to the same conclusion... Where's my darn magic fairy??

[@pardalote]

When you find that magic fairy, please send it my way 🧚‍♂️

[@confidentlocal8600]

Claire is very brave to put it all out on the Internet like she does. No way would this introvert do that.

[@confidentlocal8600]

7:45 Can relate. It's hard to be present when one constantly ruminates on the past or future.

[@joeminella5315]

Your honesty is magnificent and beautiful and immensely helpful for me. Thank You. I was recently diagnosed after 82 years of confusion and "malfunction". I sort of "dropped out" around age 40 to escape the problems with communication and relationships ( not understanding in the least the source of these problems) but still have had to deal with my messed up self. I self-diagnosed BPD and CPTSD and then got an "official" autism assessment. It's good to "know" although I'll always doubt myself and what I think. I'm amazed at people with autism who can express themselves for 20 or 30 minutes, or longer, but listening to them is encouraging and helps me to understand myself. I like your simple approach to making a video. Just you and your coffee cup and honesty. I feel like I could talk with you for hours! Thanks again for your help.

[@WoodshedTheory]

thank you for sharing with us joe

[@robbiegibson4112]

Completely makes sense and yes I have felt like this. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. I appreciate you being here and sharing but, yes definitely take care of what you are going through and you first. I want you to be as happy as possible.

[@anniewho4655]

Enjoying the bird sounds in the background! Spring is around the corner. I have NEVER felt like I have it all together. Trying to make peace with the best I can do being good enough. Now that I have the ASD Rx I can give myself more grace and not always compare myself negatively to others.

[@T.T.M.60]

A healthy attitude.

[@FilmGeekLover]

I also really enjoyed the bird sounds today!!

[@pardalote]

​@@FilmGeekLoverme too!🐦

[@The1wsx10]

real. i don't know how to communicate. made me reflect on how badly i've been doing recently

[@feralpapertiger]

Yes! Mug Club is in our hearts. There are thousands of us! Mug Club is Legion!

[@WoodshedTheory]

mug club is in our hearts!

[@lizzieb7373]

Boy this one hits, Claire.I feel like, and this is my own personal conclusion.. that this is the struggle for life. Sometimes I am really super spot on with many things you listed.. and it’s also like whack a mole game if you remember that.. Like there’s only so many things I can be really consistently on top of. Then some stress or change can change all of that.. Anyone else?

[@lindsayjsolomon]

Congrats on the 150 mug club milestone! 🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@WoodshedTheory]

so exciting!

[@messyjessyjade]

Hey Claire, thanks for being so honest and authentic, thats why I really love your channel 💖 totally relate to everything you shared. My week has been ok, Im still down the autism research rabbit hole finding that I identify so stongly with everything I watch and read, I have my assessment booked in for April and for some reason Im so scared 'they' are not going to belive me and just think I'm grasping at straws. I dont know where that would leave me, because I'm 37, and cannot seem to get my life together, and not for lack of trying!! Anyways hope you find your way through it 🌻

[@Catlily5]

I was terrified that they wouldn't believe me as well. I barely made it to the appointment! Wishing you luck! 🤞

[@messyjessyjade]

@@Catlily5 thank you appreciate that!!

[@LilyRiver-FoxandLittlePrince]

Thank you for sharing Claire and to put it in words... wich is not so easy... I'm discovering I have autism at 41 years old and your channel helps me so thank you for that and take care of you... 🌈🙏

[@Pete_1972]

Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable. It helps a lot to hear that not everyone has it all together. I certainly don’t. And you have the added pressure to create content 😞 You mentioned live streams. I join everyone I can because I’m lonely and I just want to be amongst people that may be going through similar struggles that I am.

[@marthamurphy3913]

Hi, Clare! This is a great video! I identify with much of what you said. I am 76 years old (just had a birthday). I was diagnosed in Dec 2023. It's interesting for me when autistic people contrast themselves with "neurotypicals." I lived 75 years as a "neurotypical" and I don't think anyone besides me ever thought that I wasn't! And even I just started to get an inkling when I watched some KZbin videos made by late-diagnosed autistic people. I've thought of myself as a pretty good communicator, but I don't know what others thought. I remember my boss once said to an assembled group, "First I'll talk, then Martha will translate." Because people used to ask me when they hadn't understood something he said. However, I think communicating what I need from other people never even entered my mind! I still don't have it all together, and I find that learning I'm autistic has had some strange effects on me. One important thing is that I'm learning to forgive myself for the job interviews I messed up. I never got to have the career I wanted and prepared for, and I didn't understand why. Now I realize why the interviews were so hard for me. Imagine sitting at the head of a conference table with 6 or 8 mostly strangers watching you and asking you seemingly unrelated questions when you are anxious because you want and really need the job they are interviewing you for! Opening up and being vulnerable can be a very powerful communication strategy. It won't always work, but when it does it will be awesome! One thing I do know is that almost everybody struggles. Some of us have autism, some ADHD, some people have physical disabilities, some have CPTSD, some have mental illnesses, they grew up in foster care, and so on. People who don't struggle with some part of themselves usually end up as people without much depth. Maybe it would help to create a description of yourself (just for you) as a young woman with a big variety of aspects of yourself of which autism is just one. Don't compare yourself to other people! You are you and you are just wonderful! When my son was a little kid, he told me, "If you were perfect, nobody would like you. Look what they did to Jesus." And my daughter once referred to a group of students at her school as "the popular people that nobody likes." I predict you will have stages of your life where you have it all together for a period of time and then circumstances will change and you'll have to get it together again. Lots of executive functioning practice! Be well. Be kind to yourself. Be at peace. Find your bliss. Don't forget to have some fun every day if you can.

[@T.T.M.60]

Thank you for that. I needed to hear all of what you said. Bless you!

[@marthamurphy3913]

@@T.T.M.60You are so welcome! You made my day today!

[@NeurodivergentDan]

🙂Thanks!

[@WoodshedTheory]

wow thanks for that!

[@Jenna.g.85]

Hey Claire, thanks for being open and real with us. It’s comforting to know that other people are human and flawed and that’s ok. Have a good week 💜

[@wiandewaal]

Oh I no longer at all pretend to keep my state of being a secret. I encourage you to do the same. "Got it together" is another form of judging behavior. I don't even judge my emotions anymore. I honor how honest I can be. That doesn't mean I can abandon my boundaries for myself. In other words, to not acknowledge my intentions. What are my intentions? I always ask. Is it to calm myself? Soothe myself. Recharge myself. To show more love to myself. The more I'm capable of that to myself, I naturally will relate like that to others too whether they recognize it or not. 🤗🩷

[@johnbillings5260]

I'm newly diagnosed, but even before I had a suspicion something was up I felt like I would have to make peace eventually with not being able to be more than I am. I have so many things that I have the items to create with, but I don't have the energy after "normal" day to day life. Be kind to yourself, Claire. You are doing a lot more than even many NTs!

[@alejandro-314]

I've always felt the same. Somehow I felt that everything was harder for me than for my peers. Didn't understand how other people were able to do and achieve so many things. I was diagnosed last year, after having major burnout after changing job. The diagnosis helped me to made peace with myself, and understood that I can't have goals based on NT expectations. Before that, I felt like I was a waste of IQ, "smart but lazy", "smart but without ambition", "wasted potential" have been the most common feedback I got.

[@happyyet5387]

maaaan honestly it has been amazing to see your channel grow - fellow late diagnosis autist here (diagnosed @ 30), and your videos have helped me a lot. Long story short, spent close to 2 years learning about and placing my own experiences in the Autism spectrum, and yeah, hearing someone else experience the same things I do on a regular basis, both good and bad has been more of a help than you can ever know :) P.S. On the whole feeling like you are struggling side of things, maaaan I feel you there. I have found a decent number of Autistic adults in my surroundings over the last year or so though, and one thing they have helped me realise is that that is sooooo bloody common with autistic minds.

[@WoodshedTheory]

thanks for coming along on the journey

[@Earth_sign2722]

My whole life I have wanted to figure out who I am, I didn’t really know. I’m 36 but I feel like with a diagnosis I found myself but it comes with a grieving process for me. You’re doing great, I don’t think anyone has it together these days😅

[@NeurodiverJENNt]

I get nervous when my spouse even watches me editing my videos!

[@WoodshedTheory]

RIGHT?!?

[@miguelitos]

I get pushing yourself totally get it. Where I dont need pushing is my special interests - I look forward to these and base my time around them.

[@T.T.M.60]

Being Autistic is one of those things, for me at least that isn’t consistent in the way I feel. I have really good days but bad ones as well. I can’t seem to find a balance and it’s frustrating. I just try to do the best I can every day. It helps that I have a supportive husband, who loves me just the way I am. He’s very understanding. and my kids( one is Autistic) are so wonderful about adjusting things, if need be.( we get together once a week).

[@KittyInTheGarden]

I get the feeling of being stuck. That's where I've been for a long while. I can tell you that ignoring issues and hoping they'll go away by themselves is not the answer, but I don't know what is.

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

aye....

[@niniemecanik]

Oh yeah I get it. I had my diagnosis last July and I still struggle to accept that I have to recharge after the simplest tasks like a shower for example. I tend to just hate myself for needing breaks. But really, I am learning that small breaks after tasks that take a lot from me are way better (in my case) than pushing through life and being stuck for a week every month or so. I am still trying to get the hang of it 😂

[@Never_sleepnn]

Feel like this more often than not.

[@crystalokeefe197]

Yay, Porch Coffee. !!!

[@ZSchrink]

That is such a toughie since pretty much all of society expects adults to have it together *even though* they also know that most people don't have everything together. It's such a weird thing. But, I don't have a ton for that part. What I wanted to highlight is that you have been able to accomplish running a YT channel solo. Certainly that's stressful, certainly you have feelings about it. But how amazing is it that you have been able to experiment with YT lives and edited videos, and unedited videos as a single human *AND* make an awesome community. That's legitimately pretty awesome to me.

[@WoodshedTheory]

thanks

[@ScottSimpson]

It's so nice to hear the words that bounce around in my own head, said out loud by a whole other person. I dig your vibe and I wish you peace as you continue to sort it out and find your way.

[@WoodshedTheory]

you aren't alone!

[@T.T.M.60]

Grace to you, definitely! Hope you have a good week, take care of you!

[@AndreAlforque]

🥹 I see you! ...and it feels like you see me by being so relatable! I'm coming up on 1 year of a late diagnosis, and it feels like I'm slipping backwards more than I'm stumbling forward. All despite objectively being present more often and having fewer meltdowns. 15:20 This really hit me! 😢 Thank you!

[@KitrinaKanaris]

Setting boundaries is great progress, even if it didn’t immediately turn into what you wanted it to! I still don’t even know how to be an adult most of the time - it’s mind boggling. I had a productive weekend though, so all we can do is take those little wins where we can!

[@annaynely]

At 56 just got diagnosed. I would prefer having small personal successes with a small community around me than giant external success. These days I dive into my special interest -social justice- The spider's web: Britain's second empire & others similar. We just keep recreating an unfair, unjust world full of large segments of the population all over the world living in poverty. Meantime we don't care much about tax erosion, treasure havens for elites & leader's don't have all taxes in order to create representative policies in their countries for ordinary citizens. We can't control so many of the factors that go into external success cuz they are too many but we can ask for better distribution of wealth, opportunities, education, health etc in order to have a better world.

[@avgirlaustintx]

Well honestly since realizing I'm autistic, I don't care as much that my life is not together and I feel a lot better about my failures. Like things that would normally bother me, don't. Like being in debt and just not being as successful as I thought I could be. I'm realizing that I'm happy as long as I'm not forcing myself to do things I don't want to do, which means being a recluse sort of, but now I don't have to feel bad about that, I can just do it and not care what people think. So just remember you're autistic and that success to you could be anything really, and you can get there any which way you like, it doesn't have to be the neurotypical way. I feel like the main reason why I hated myself for not having it all together was because I thought I was normal, but now I know I'm not, so now it's ok to not have it all together. And also in a way, not having that self-hatred, is helping me get my life back together because I held myself to such high expectations in the past, it was just causing major burn out and more chaos in my life. I've exited the rat race and I feel so much better.

[@MeauxMoeMeaux]

Thank you for this video. I can relate so much to all of this. Your honesty made me feel better this morning. Let’s all hang in there and try to be nice to ourselves 😊

[@faithcooper8935]

I am with you.

[@dacav3dwellers]

I'm with you totally. Diagnosed at age 30 just about two years ago. Then I got evicted from the program I was in for getting diagnosed autism. Here I am in my own place and I'm facing the possibility of eviction again due to disabling conditions. Mind you I was homeless on the streets from the time I got emancipated from foster care until I was about 30 years old. I'm dealing with the seizures and other comorbidities that are preventing me from doing much of anything for long. It's a struggle. I think one of the hardest things is that when I finally do get case management set up or whatever the case may be that I'm looking for and then the person rendering the service turns to somebody that's diagnosing me with these disabilities and these diagnoses from the MD5 and then they claim. Oh I don't believe he has a disability like he claims. And therefore, there is my secret. 99.9% of the time I'm being told that I do not look autistic that I do not look like it hinders me that I do not look like it causes an issue or that I have any disabling conditions, but people do not seem to realize. I only come out of my house once every couple of weeks when I'm capable of doing so and then because I appeared to be fine because I waited until I'm fine or something. People think I'm always fine, but they don't get to see the fact that I spin hours on in unconscious on the floor from a seizure or that I hit my head and start drowning in the bathtub. They don't see the fact that I only get 248 a month but I'm supposed to fork over $150 to support my cat and fork over all this money for electric and then fork over all this more money for me to have a phone bill with internet just so that I can have access to resources and stuff and try and help myself and that's not including the fact that I have to pay out of pocket for all my medical expenses such as dental, vision and even my medication. So I am right there with you.

[@margilvi5890]

You and your community help me to understand. I thought I communicated well, but until now I have not taken my mental rigidity into account. or when a friend or my sister tells me their problems, I don't take the time to think that they are not asking me for help to solve it but rather I just share it and start giving solutions. Like orion said in his short that is my way to show love but... you know. I must to do a lot of research and work to do it better. I dont have my life toghether. I dont ask for help. Never.

[@stephenie44]

Maybe lives are a random treat or something. No pressure, I like whatever kind of content feels right for you to make

[@karenramos9143]

I suffer so much with communication issues. I love these porch coffee videos because you explain so many of the feelings I have that are impossible for me to share with others.

[@WoodshedTheory]

thanks karen that means a lot

[@Autisticheather]

Same. I really long for consistency. I heard somewhere to Just let yourself BE autistic. This he but still i need to figure out what that means. Stop beating myself up for getting stuck and doing nothing. That's a tough one

[@natyork]

i totally feel you on the transition stuckness. like what do i do with my time now that i've freed it up for myself? perhaps for the next week, you're priority to-do list item should just be to allow yourself the transition time. like maybe even block it off in your calendar if that's a helpful tool. one thing i find is that when i give myself the permission to do nothing, the priorities seem to have a way of bubbling up to the surface in a way that they refuse to when i sit down to make a list or approach it intellectually. also, i need to follow this advice more myself. take care ✨

[@withheldformyprotection5518]

I’m on vacation this week. Did a road trip to Grand Canyon NP, but dropped my plans after that and came home early. Too many human contacts while traveling and I was exhausted. My experience is that not having it all together means that one is still learning and growing. If this feeling goes away, then one has stopped evolving. I choose growth over stagnation.

[@madberry]

No you’re definitely old lol(it’s okay folks just a bit of banter). What bugs me about autism is my life works with routines and rules. But sometimes a routine breaks down and now the whole set of routines is stuck till I fix it. I also sometimes forget about my own sensory needs. I bought some beard oil I tried using it but I’m sensitive to smell and that stuff stinks. Doesn’t help that it’s right under your nose either. I’ll finish the bottle anyway but I’m going to hate every minute of it. I’ve already had to take goals and change them. You can’t make a goal if you don’t feel right. Living with autism is fluid you constantly have to adjust and pivot. I went to a concert this weekend with my cousin and his girlfriend. Kataklysm was playing in Haarlem. I have videos but I haven’t had the energy yet to edit and release them. I’ll do that later this week. That’s really the only thing I’ve done this week. It’s hard because before my diagnosis I would push myself to go on and do what I had planned anyway. But I also know the consequences of doing that. I don’t really want to go back to that. Finding a balance is what I need to do. Have a good week Claire and friends.

[@T1MB05L1C3]

Got mental health first aid re-certification this last weekend and huge pokemon go event, definitely stayed busy.

[@richwatson28]

13:20 How would you define ‘success’ Claire? I believe, and I know I’m sticking my head above the trench here, that in truth every NT person thinks the same as us neurodiversers when we value what success is. Perhaps the main difference is that a NT can blag (old London term for procrastinate) their way to projecting their success better than we can? Does having a big car, a nice house or an infinite number of friends make EVERYBODY happy? But hey, don’t shoot as I’m still working all this out having only been diagnosed last year at 48. The most important thing is that you have your special interests, your general health and a spouse who loves you and must want to be with you, and trust me that’s a very cool thing to have. I don’t have all those things. From where I stand, you’re successful. ❤

[@ghill8587]

It’s good to be reflective, but don’t let it lead to morbid introspection. I think you do a good job of being transparent about your struggles. One of my struggles (and strengths??) is that I can mask really well, and that can be detrimental because other people only see the mask and assume that I’m ok all of the time. From reading the comments on various videos, it sounds like it’s a common plight of later diagnosed individuals.

[@seaglasscolor]

Hi Claire, I am not autistic but I have a condition that saps my energy and it is something rare that people don’t understand. I enjoy your channel because I like your attitude and honesty. I would not want to do any “lives” either if I had a youtube channel. I also wouldn’t have the energy to reply to very many comments. It would be draining! So don’t feel that you “should” do that….Let go of that and just have fun with your channel. I think I might get a Porch Coffee mug; they are cute. Have a good week!

[@lisa_wistfulone7957]

Hi Claire! I’m baby-diagnosed too, only 3 1/2 years. It’s crazy what a roller coaster ride it is. Earlier in, there were lots of times I thought I “had it together” and all figured out. But sometimes it was masking, and sometimes it was just a layer in the process that happened to be a really good place for awhile- but then I figure out the next layer and it gets hard again. I suspect few or none of us “have it all together.” The executive functioning problems, inertia, and meltdown/burnout are part of our wiring. I think there are times we have it balanced for awhile, then something in life changes and it’s all beyond our capacity and we can’t control it or fix it. Because everything this modern world *expects* of people is literally more than what our neurodivergent systems can conquer. Plenty of NTs, too, hide anxiety, depression, etc from struggling to “be capable enough.” I had started a Facebook page about autistic unmasking. Researched, beautiful blogging-style posts, encouraging stuff! Then I realized that I was only posting about the stuff I had a handle on at the moment, or had just worked through… It *looked like* I knew what I was doing!!! I hadn’t meant to present that way. Maybe it was natural from decades of masking, trying to look like I had my act together. Maybe it was from finding my identity in helping people, teaching helpful strategies. Maybe it was simply because I desperately needed to feel good about myself and any successes I had. But the bottom line was that I did NOT have my life together, even if it looked like I did. I think it’s important to keep that in mind when we see other autistic folks who present really well. All of us faced many years of feeling like failures, we all really Really want to focus on what we’re doing Well, show the world that we’re capable, etc. You’re one of the few on KZbin who healthily reveal the struggles *as they’re happening*! My therapist (of the entire 3 1/2+ years, and ongoing) is a successful psychiatrist, a mom, and is actually late diagnosed autistic herself. I thought she had the perfectly put together autistic life and great balance. It was intimidating. She only sees clients online, not in person. One day, she did a session with me from her bed. She had big shadows under her eyes. After that, I noticed the days where she obviously was extra tired, or had a stim toy in view. I realized she lived an actual autistic life too, with burnouts and meltdowns and struggles like all of us. She literally told me once that, no matter how hard we work at it, those things will always be present in our lives. We just learn to manage them better. Anyway, sorry this is so long. But I’ve been through a lot of beating myself up too, on similar stuff. So I hope that things I’ve already wrestled with a lot (and still am!!) might be a little bit helpful to you, too.🥰 (Or anyone else reading it💖✨)

[@lisa_wistfulone7957]

PS I think the hardest thing is for us to give *Ourselves* enough Grace ❤️‍🩹 No need to answer- I’m proud of you for that level of self care💝

[@knrdvmmlbkkn]

"I’m baby-diagnosed too" Diagnosed as pregnant?

[@krystalestrella9098]

I have felt this way many times. When I feel stuck I journal about it , I talk to my life coach and she helps me reframe my perspective and help me see my self more innocent and loving. I also don’t alway know what to do so I cry it out and actually feel a little better. I hold onto encouraging affirmations like “ I am exactly where I am suppose to me and what is for me will be mine “

[@briannah1915]

Dude I so relate right now I feel like I am JUST treading water with my head bobbing in and out of water. I think it's partially due to this time of year. It sucks when you need a real vacation but can't have one. Hang in there girl you're not alone.

[@RainbowUnicornPotato]

We 💜 you! If anyone thinks they actually have their life under control, they must not know much about quantum mechanics 😸 We believe in you 🌈 you can do the thing 🦄 step by step, day by day 🥔

[@MissGroves]

love your username! what a fabulous rainbow unicorn potato you are XD

[@9crutnacker985]

def been struggling the last couple of wks (over & above the usual). Don't want to get out of bed in the morning or go to bed at night. Understandable give my current medical situation but knowing that isn't helping much. Neurotypicals also struggle but they usually have an extensive support network of friends & family who do support them. Usually we only have one or two - if we're lucky. We forget / don't know. Comparisons are toxic. Capitalist language & goals are toxic (eg. being successful). You have a home, a partner & reasonable health. Win,win,win. ND communication & NT communication are very different. They don't mix well. There's even studies showing that. It's not your fault (or theirs) but take into account - are they trying as hard as you to understand & accommodate that difference? Giving too much grace ends in people pleasing - which doesn't work. How do I cope with all this stuff - wait for it to change, allow myself to give in sometimes WITHOUT shame, uphold my boundaries when I can, understand mistakes are allowed & that perfection is not an obtainable goal (nor should it be a goal at all).

[@lisabmpls]

Good Morning! I feel ya on this whole thing. And I really really appreciate that you’re willing to be vulnerable on ye olde internet. It helps me to know that I am not alone in the world…obvi not literally because there are lots of peeps on the planet 😂 Anyhoodle…thank you!!!!!

[@susansteinbeck3568]

Maybe it was the alignment of the planets last week, because I felt exactly the same. Not wanting to do anything at all, and the things that normally give me joy felt like a chore, so I just didn’t do them because I knew it wouldn’t turn out good. Example; sewing a project. If I’m not in a good mindset, the project might suffer, and then I’d have to deal with that trauma! Thank you for sharing and helping others not feel alone. ❤

[@marypike8149]

"I'm being honest and vulnerable....and I know you're not supposed to tell people... neurotypicals when they say that, that means they are not being that way, I really am. I really mean when I say...." How many ppl have I said almost ^this^ exact thing swap "neurotypicals" for "most people". 😂 Welcome to being a late-diagnosed lady! I really appreciate you and can relate to what you say. Also. congrats on the 150 mugs! Loved that you made time to celebrate, it's so important.

[@sueannevangalen5186]

Yes, I relate to not having it all together. That's all I can say right now because I am sick!!! Chest cold. Not the worst one but bad enough. Life goes from "I don't have it together" to "total chaos" when sickness pounces on you. And also when you have three kids who put no effort into keeping chaos at bay.

[@AlexisTwoLastNames]

17:15 youve described me and i always chocked this up to narcissism (i think i have some other traits as well and i’m ok w them being narcissism but i find it fascinating when i learn they might actually be something else presenting in a similar way to narcissism but with a different root cause). i just assumed people would pick up on what i like and what i need because i feel like i do it for them, but assuming that has left me uncommunicative and feeling unheard, resentful, and taken advantage of, even tho they never asked me to pay such close attention to them and i never meant to either hahaha

[@kellyschroeder7437]

Morning Claire ☕️. Trying to wake up. Not quite feeling who I am this am ……

[@michaelpieper5908]

Thank you for sharing Claire. Life is about figuring it out right? As long as we are still figuring it out, we are still living.

[@AuditingWithAutism]

You humble me with this. Claire, imho, you are one of the best of us.❤

[@Imperfect_Eric]

Hi Claire, I love that "Mug club is in our hearts"🧡☕😁. I watch youtube on my tv late in the day so no coffee for me, but I am enjoying a delicious beverage while listening to one of my new internet friends. Thanks for another honest share. Lots of thoughts about what you talked about, but the one thing I wanted to say is this. One of the things that I've recently been doing to help myself when I feel stuck or if there is a difficult moment is to to quietly say out loud to myself "Transitions can be difficult." For example, when trying to get out of bed, or after work when I just need to focus on preparing a meal and stop thinking about the workday, or when it's time to get ready for bed, I say to myself in a gentle voice " Transitions can be difficult." Saying this out loud feels like I'm giving myself the permission and grace to be understanding with myself, rather than be critical or disparaging to myself, which is the old way I would always talk to myself pre-diagnosis. It's a small thing, and I often forget to do it, but when I do say it I feel empowered and it can be the little nudge that I need.

[@WoodshedTheory]

This is such a great idea, Eric. I may give it a try.

[@lovelyrainflowerfarm]

I relate to this SOOOOOOOOO much. Thank you so much for sharing. Just yesterday I was having an existential meltdown about how I seem to operate in a vacuum and do the same things everyday but neglect very important things outside of that. And I don’t know how to break myself out of it. I’m not taking care of myself financially (barely) I get some $ from a family member. But my life is functioning by a thread, while I still watch tv and play video games… what is wrong with me?????? Anyway, I can relate 😢 and I don’t have anyone to fall back on. So it really creates a deep sense of panic. And loneliness. And disregulation.

[@tallulah320]

I can totally understand where you are coming from! I work with children with mod/severe disabilities. Most people think I have everything together in my life. They have no idea I'm autistic. The ones they do know don't believe it. I barely have words or energy for anything in my life by the end if the day. I so look forward to coffee with all of you every Monday 💕 . Thank you for being a good friend

[@AgentXforce]

You have some amazing sounding birds where you live.

[@whitneymason406]

I helped my mom clean out her storage shed today. I then got a call from my son's school. It was really hard to hear how defeated his teacher sounds. I'm doing everything I can to get him placed in a different school. I feel kind of helpless because I can make the waitlists get shorter. Hoping the rest of the week goes better. Take care, Claire and friends! 💞

[@WoodshedTheory]

sorry things are hard with the school situation, i hope you find a good fit soon

[@louiseyoung1231]

Hugs ❤ Me too & I'm 53. Thank you for your vulnerability & grace ❤

[@WoodshedTheory]

You are so welcome

[@lindadunn8787]

Enjoying Monday porch coffee past on Friday today 🎉🎉🎉

[@redlady222]

I’m 48. Diagnosed in the past few years (changes in hormones made everything SO. MUCH. WORSE.). You can do this. You’re amazing, and you’re not alone. ❤

[@bluntforcetanya]

dude. this is so, soooo deeply relatable.

[@looplop]

I understand you don’t feel like a live stream person, but you were doing so cool, I enjoyed you, especially! At the same time I actually was thinking, wow, she’s powerful and strong while reflecting on my own losing self. But as a musician and writer, etc. I struggle with all these topics too. I basically only work for myself so I look forward to seeing wonderful beings like you just doing it, of course I know it’s not just doing it. ❤ But you did inspire me to be more active as well! Cheers from islas canarias! Everybody come to blue sky, there’s a good community.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Great to have you

[@starfoxloves]

"change the expectations" yaaaasss! Love this line of thinking, its where I'm at too! 💛✨

[@apennyforyouraspiethoughts23]

Might be your best Porch Coffee video yet. Love the honesty. I would miss the live streams if you quit those. You and Orion have a fun chemistry when you collaborate.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Thanks friend

[@jfjdjdji723]

Nope, same on the being nervous around others to make videos, sing, anything of note. Like I have to prove that I'm good first. I'll even get teary and emotionally agressive when I get embarrassed. It kinda sucks, but let's be brave!

[@WoodshedTheory]

Let's be brave! Love it!

[@jfjdjdji723]

I figured out why we don't keep friendships! (except for the ones who stick with us no matter what) It's because WE get waaaaayyyy too stressed out with what friendship even is, and WE fade out of the relationship. We make excuses on why they wouldn't ~really~ like us, we search the file catalog of offenses in our mind of why they might not like us, and then WE (I) leave the situation. When it may not have even been them. I just had a hard conversation of communication last night with my friend that I thought was upset with me. SHE WASN'T. I was one foot out the door, and she LOVES ME. Open communication is so scary, but so important before leaving a friendship. Be brave! Open your heart and your mouth! Even if you have to write it down first to script from. If they're a true friend, they'll love you even more for caring this much.

[@WoodshedTheory]

Yes I feel like every relationship i have is a heavy weight.

[@autisticrobotdragon17]

Hey Claire! I’m getting to this comment a day late , but I want you to know I feel you. Try to not get down on yourself about it ,because life is hard and unfair ,and it doesn’t slow down to allow us to process and compute. I have literally almost never had my life together. And looking back, even when I guess I did for short periods, it has never really felt like it. I’ve always felt like I’m just running as fast as I can but I’m just stuck in a rut. Pre diagnosis , I always used to feel like I was a good communicator also. But I’ve realized that I’m only really a good communicator with myself. It’s almost as if I expect people to just read my mind and understand by following my examples. I wish I knew how to just ask for things or talk to people fluently , because I feel like I speak in riddles and parables. I loathe confrontation and I have sooooo much anxiety about it, so I rarely tell anyone anything. Also , I’ve said it before but I think you’re a cool person Claire and I feel like you are also very kind. You just do what you need to do and put out whatever content is making you happy! ❤️

[@krystalestrella9098]

Thank you for being you . I can relate so much.

[@Melissa_PhoenixRisingBlog]

Hi Claire. I want you to know , despite not having your life together, you're an inspiration. (Also, know most people don't have it together even if they act like it or it seems like it.) I was self dx autistic and ADHD about 3 or 4 years ago (early to mid 30s). I'm now in my mid to late 30s and still trying to figure out where to go/what to do with life. (Your channel/content is inspirational to starting a blog (instagram blog/vlog)/YT channel). As to expectations for yourself. I'd say always set the bar high for yourself, always strive to do your best just don't set it too high and have grace for yourself/adjust the expectation(s) as needed based on your needs/where you're at. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, just take the next step... one step at a time (baby steps count).

[@JigmeDatse]

I like the goofy, and from what I can tell, a bit of real (yeah just like being "this is my experience," perspective, rather than anything like telling people what to do).

[@colleenschofield6773]

Thank you Claire. It is reassuring to have you be honest and vulnerable. You Str a great person.

[@NiinaSKlove]

I am realizing something as I’m listening to you speak. All the self help stuff out there that I’ve been on and off religiously been studying since I was about 16 (I am now in my 40s) was never written for me, an autistic person. It was primarily written by and for neurotypical people. No wonder almost non of it worked for me. And all of those years I have beaten myself up over it. - Man, even before that I would beat myself up for it, even as a small child! No wonder I’m tired lol! And now I have to figure out myself all over again, get to know myself again: as an autistic person. The real me. Without constantly masking. Thank you so much for making these videos, it truly over and over again makes me feel less alone in my autistic-ness. So to speak. 😅❤

[@CrustyOldMare]

Currently in burnout, I feel you! Sending much love. Feel better, beautiful and keep singing!

[@MissGroves]

be proud of yourself, you still managed to do what what best for you! the inertia thing, i hear you! this week was meh for me too, so yeah, don't kick yourself for not having things together. you'll get some weeks where you're a powerhouse, and others that nothing happens, such is life. how's the garden going? you don't need to reply to that XD

[@WoodshedTheory]

replying anyway :) haven't started a garden yet this year

[@MissGroves]

hahahaha, last years went well, i've just planted some seeds a bit early @@WoodshedTheory 😁💚

[@Catlily5]

​@@WoodshedTheoryYou can garden this early?

[@annawhitneysparks3112]

I definitely don't have it all together. On the outside I am a really successful graduate student and in an internship program, a good wife, and a good friend that's just really busy with school right now. But my entire life is falling apart. My house is a DISASTER, and I can't figure out how to get ahead of it. It's honestly so gross. I can hardly stay on top of my homework, and it's not even that much homework. I think I'm barreling toward the worst burnout of my adult life, and I don't know how to stop it. I still don't know what support needs I have that will help me overcome any of this. I doubt that any of us really have it together. We're trying to make it in a world that is so full of demands. And it's a world that wasn't built for us to be successful in. Much love to you, we will get there, it might just take us a little extra time❤.

[@laura.bseyoga]

I'm exhausted today - meltdown followed by shutdown yesterday after a really bad night Saturday. Not a great night last night. I wish I could sleep when I'm this tired, but I get about 4 hours & my body/brain just won't shut up! Burnout sucks ☹

[@WoodshedTheory]

sorry to hear this take care of yourself

[@laura.bseyoga]

@@WoodshedTheory Thank you Claire, I've been trying to!! 💚

[@ruthmnusa4328]

I’m not one to comment on videos. I’m 54, so for me (my generation), commenting feels so vulnerable. However, I needed to reach out and thank you for this video as well as your channel as a whole. You’re very relatable. And especially, this week, I’ve been struggling to get things done too. And I was JUST THINKING how I feel like a loser… and then I heard you sing it at 7.29… which helped me feel so not alone in the struggle.

[@WoodshedTheory]

you aren't alone, thank you for commenting i know it's not for everyone

[@misterrcommenter]

Wel I got the diagnose more then 20 years and I still don't have it together. It started to make more sense cause I kinda dived a bit more into autism cause last year was the first time in my life I saw someone on television with autism in who I recognized some of my autistic traits and after that it started to do some more research and it started to make more sense. But then again a lot of new stuff has been learned in those 20 years.

[@depleteduraniumcowboy3516]

Here thanks to your video on Orion's channel. It is very nice that you supported him while struggling. Not diagnosed at 50+ and at this point I suspect I never will be. Looking forward to a good week in 2024.

[@WoodshedTheory]

happy to have you

[@robertwulffe9915]

I was in a couple of multimedia classes, and if you are having issues with camera shyness naming the camera helps.

[@WoodshedTheory]

good advice! i'm not shy to the camera - I'm shy to people being around while I am filming

[@robertwulffe9915]

@@WoodshedTheory I just reread my comment and I realized that I didn't get the important thing across, I'll try again. A girl I was in class with couldn't be on camera with me, the cameraman, and a gripp holding the microphone boom. Our teacher told her that personifying the camera, by giving it a name, could help. It's easier to talk to "Phill" with someone else about because Phill deserves the same treatment as anyone else. If you can treat the camera as someone it's easier to be on camera with others around, it just becomes a conversation with quiet old "Phill" sitting in the room. I hope this is more helpful than my previous comment.😊

[@louised931]

Thank you for sharing your out-breath of deep & honest self reflection. I am breathing it back in. Meet, embrace & welcome your beautiful existence into your life's journey!

[@WoodshedTheory]

thanks for your support

[@ginadelfina5887]

Personally, I prefer the “one person sitting in front of a camera” type of channel, because it feels more personalized. Channels that are big productions just seem a little too slick to me, most of the time. I never thought you seemed like you were trying to project an image of being “all put together,“ because I think you are really honest about your struggles and ups and downs, esp. at porch coffee. You don’t think you are already successful? Maybe “successful” is more of a process that is always changing. (Hopefully that does not sound too cheesy.) A counselor recently reminded me to celebrate all the progress I have already made, & not overload myself with too many goals for improvement at once. Anyway, if there is someone who always feels that they are on top of things & in control, then they are probably deluded and an insufferable egoist!

[@WoodshedTheory]

thanks for coming to porch coffee

[@MyHumanSuit]

Thank you so much for being here! Me too. Barely holding it together. 🩵

[@WoodshedTheory]

You got this!

[@forrestheise2596]

Hi Claire its definitely stressful for me too i was diagnosed back in oct and at my job i dont have a routine anymore and it definitely sucks being burned out and wishing i was normal sometimes.. also im struggling to be on KZbin its hard to keep up with my asd channels..that you for support take care Claire

[@tjzambonischwartz]

I really don't think any of us on the spectrum "have it together" because we're fundamentally at a disadvantage in the way the world demands of us things that we're incapable of. I also don't think ANY of us assumed you did either, and that's just because, well, see above. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the time to process.