Being In A Relationship When One of You Is Autistic (and ADHD)

[@thatrunningirl]

He seems a wonderful, kind and patient man. How lovely and fortunate for you! I was in a relationship for 10 years with an equally wonderful, patient man. But sadly my aspergers broke us up - at the time I was not diagnosed, I was only diagnosed a year after we broke up. I still think he doesn't know, but he has a new life now with someone else and I wish him happiness. I have never felt the same kind of unconditional love that he gave me since, even though I have been in different relationships. I think it takes a very special person to understand and constantly be patient and kind to people with aspergers in a relationship. I miss it.

[@PurpleElla]

I guess I understand what you're saying but I also feel like he's fortunate to be in a relationship with me, we are both lucky 😊

[@katec9893]

Sorry to hear that, I hope you find a good partner again. I wish I had a good partner too. I'm single and usually find dating apps overwhelming and depressing. I never know when or how to mention the things I am struggling with as I don't want to put people off but also don't want to present myself dishonestly.

[@poot-poot]

You should think about telling him about your diagnosis, if only so that he has closure too for the relationships hardships and doesn't blame himself. Who knows, maybe it might spark things again between you.

[@innovationsanonymous8841]

Dating apps are god awful and very special people are few and far between

[@maggiesamson337]

@@PurpleElla if you say so. Poor guy.

[@ellie_5276]

Mr Purple did a great job in this video - he seems very gentle and thoughtful! Also very well done to you Purple Ella for keeping the conversation moving in an interesting way.

[@whitneymason406]

Since getting my autism diagnosis last year has helped improve communication between me and my husband. Thanks Mr. Purple for sharing your experiences! Much appreciated! 💜

[@Clcs2024]

This is a really sweet & informative video! It’s beautiful to see a healthy relationship online 🥰

[@marymyers4751]

Metaphors are good, and I get them and many autistic people get them too.It's okay. The English language is inherently filled with figurative language so you really can't avoid it and therefore is very logical which translates well to my logical brain.

[@otterwench]

Thank you Mr. Purple. My husband and I have both been diagnosed with autism late in life (61 for him, 58 for me) but this vid had many tips that also apply to us. We will have been married 22 years on August 15th.

[@travellingthroughmaya5930]

Me & my boyfriend loved this video, please can we have a part 2?!

[@PurpleElla]

I'll ask Mr P but he's not so keen on making videos so 🤞

[@nobodysperfect06]

I assume your boyfriend was the one who pursued you

[@givmarcham7915]

You both are amazing together, Ella you just look at him and I see he's your rock, and he really love you and he will always be your friend 💯☮️

[@hnktbt]

love this, thank you!! AuDHD can be an asset and a difficulty in relationships and it's so nice to see how others experience it and tackle what comes up as well as appreciate the good parts. :)

[@alicekerby4569]

Loved all the accidental metaphors! You are both so brilliant in the way you articulate things :)

[@Sky-Child]

So grateful to Mr Purple for stepping out of his comfort zone and making this video. Such an important topic. Thank you both.

[@Sky-Child]

The point about arguments turning into meltdowns is really interesting. Myself and my partner used to both be "hot heads" but since behaving like the autistic people that we are and trying to have a calm, predictable, planned, quiet life, we actually have much fewer arguments. When we do it tends to be sort of meltdowns AT each other because of unexpected changes/sensory overwhelm. I didn't even realise this until you said. Wow.

[@knight4041]

That's a really sweet video! Thank you Mr. Purple for sharing, you sound like a great guy and husband!

[@givmarcham7915]

Respect to Mr purple

[@sandralantau7395]

Thank you, Mr Purple, for overcoming your hesitation and sitting down and opening up in this video!

[@AlexLouiseWest]

Thank you for this video. It is helpful for many reasons. What will stay with me most is your compassion for one another.

[@coreycox2345]

I love that he accepted your diagnosis as a relief. My ex took mine a different way.

[@chriscaughey1103]

I was holding my breathe through your conversation! It was too much like my ex and I only you 2 handled it SO MUCH better than we ever did. (He was severely L.D. and I am ADHD and Aspergers.)

[@DayonaCraZy]

Thank you so much for this video!!! We recently learned my partner was ADHD and it was like….. AHAH!!!!! So many things started to make sense! Then he finally told me he was also Autistic but was afraid to tell me. We have figured out ways to communicate so much better. This video helps so much for me too!!!

[@blackbird365]

What a beautifully open-hearted, sweet, interesting, helpful video, full of honest interchanges, with both of you listening & responding. How wonderful & lovely! You are both so fortunate to have each other. 💞

[@pb11118]

You guys rock! Mr Purple's a legend! I hope I find a chill partner with that vibe one day

[@kittylynx8911]

Omg! Mr. Purple! Great video as always love you so much Purple Ella 💜

[@JuniusJones]

Sending this to my wife 😅 I find it interesting how she manages with me.

[@chickenpie9698]

Great video and I massively agree with the idea of learning about each other as a first step. I think this applies to any couple in a sense but there defintely has to be a focus on any neurodivergent traits. I find it interesting that I relate to both Mr and Mrs Purple with their experiences. I'm autistic and my partner has ADHD so I think we've both had a bit of learning to do. I think problem solving is a good way to look at it as you can try different things and find out what works for you as a couple. Communication is key too - really helps if you both feel you can be open and honest with each other (especially about any autism/ADHD etc stuff). I think a useful thing is to start to identify when actions or behaviour are actually a result of any neurodivergent traits - there's a massive different between my parter ignoring me deliberately and just being hyper focused on something to the point that she can't listen to me for example.

[@AlexLouiseWest]

Thank you. This is useful.

[@tazza19100]

Thank you so much to the both of you for this. As someone with adhd and asd I've found relationships difficult at times. This video is awesome, thank you

[@rachellooby8286]

Mr purple sounds lovely and very gentle and kind! Great job at putting yourself out there mr purple! X

[@NotAyFox]

Excellent video. That was very sweet. I love seeing you two together and talking about things from different perspectives.

[@walpolekidscomics879]

As my partner is ADHD I totally get mr purples perspective. My partner has made my life way more interesting when it comes to travel and stuff. And she is an amazing mum. Though I believe I am autistic so I unfortunately get very stressed out by the unpredictability haha. So it has been a journey but I wouldn't change it ❤

[@ireallylovecilantro]

Mr. Purple is so analytical and eloquent! 👏 He did an excellent job and it’s cool to hear an NT’s perspective.

[@MariMIW312]

Those things can make your relationship complicated, but adding kids to the mix’s makes it more complicated, challenging

[@2madpourtoi]

Thank you Ella and Mr Purple! That was a really great video, I am definitely going to show this to my partner. I am 31 and still trying to get my ADHD diagnosis - my therapist and I have been sure for a few years now that is what is going on for me and I think I also have some autistic traits + as you said in the video, lots of trauma from not being diagnosed younger or having relevant support. Your videos are really helpful, I have been watching them for a while now. Thank you so so much. Maddie 💗

[@HeathAlexander]

This is SO inspiring. 25+ year marriage here, DX'd in the last 5. My DX provided a LOT of strategies with dealing the ongoing communication issues.

[@louiseanne830]

That was so cute. Huge thank you to Mr Purple for coming on! He was great, very informative and lovely to see your relationship and how you make it work so well :)

[@GroockG]

Thank you for this, it gives me hope and useful ideas for all my relationships, you both are amazing.

[@PeachPlastic]

Yes, I think acknowledging skills and talents is very important. It builds the other person's confidence and allows them to contribute to and participate in the relationship in their own way, instead of being compared to their partner's way of doing things and how efficient they are at doing it that way.

[@jennyhardesty2278]

I'm on the Spectrum and 9 years older than my neurotypical husband. We were just talking today about how he knows when I get home from work to just let me sit in the living room and watch my recorded shows and decompress. He doesn't bother me for a good couple hours because I work with people, and tho I do enjoy helping people I am soo wiped out when I get home it is ridiculous. I may enjoy helping people, but I am definitely the end of the "spectrum" that would be comfortable not being around people practically ever. When I do my job I "mask" to the point that no one can tell (except people in Psychology field) I'm doing it. When I met my husband I was on a lot of meds and I've recently gotten off most of them (the past year to year and a half) and my husband has had to learn how to deal with me and it was a marathon, not a sprint. Oh and there was a learning curve. 🙂. My husband has epilepsy...who better to have as your partner in life than someone who can research to no end and isn't scared of medical stuff cus she's been thru a lot of it...not to mention the whole low emotion thing so I don't freak out during his seizures. How my brain works also figured out his triggers (which no one had...woohoo my autism was a strength). I know this is long, my apologies. I just recently found your videos and thought you're cool. Have a great day!

[@palomawoma]

I'm in my late 30's and only just diagnosed with autism and adhd. You two are so like my husband and I, it makes me smile (we've been together for 20 years). I'm showing him this video tonight. Thank you Ella, as always your videos are beautifully honest and a special thank you to your husband. My husband has zero online presence and would find this so difficult to do and I know your husband must have a lot of love for you and his family to do this 🖤

[@MichaelWVagg]

Thanks, Mr P, your love and commitment really shone through here.

[@DanS8204]

Ella and Mr. Purple, this is quite wonderful, and I thank you both so much for sharing it!

[@mkwatchesvideos]

Thank you so much for yours and Mr. Purple’s vulnerability in sharing a bit about your relationship. The work you are doing is so important. 🤍

[@thatrunningirl]

This is so beautiful to watch. Thank you for sharing X

[@cerezacereza8478]

Mr Purple, it’s an honour Thankyou for sharing with us

[@brookeerica9200]

So much gratitude for you both for sharing and posting!

[@coquelicotdefrance2726]

Wow.... I'm so amazed to see that autistic people are not made to live alone. I'm happy to watch your video with your husband... You both did a great job together ! I admire you. I bet it wasn't easy to do.... You are both really patient and clever.... I'm autistic too, I always stop relationship with a man because it's too overwhelming for me... I don't know how to deal with what I feel.... They never take my words seriously.... And I'm tired of it very quickly. Now I'm in a middle of situation.... I tried once again but once again I just found that I can't deal with love and relationship. It's way too difficult for me. A too big challenge.

[@MyASDJourney]

Another great video. PE - You may have already done this, but I would like to know how you define a melt-down... It is part of learning who we are as autistic people to understand the autistic influences in our lives. As a late diagnosed adult, so many of us have developed very unhealthy and dysfunctional coping strategies. You've defined many of yours and it helps me to understand what you've found and how... Thank you for all you do! Best to you...

[@lindyralph8792]

hahaha, Mr Purple showing his age with the typewriter analogy, but It was perfect; I remember that feeling when I learned typing at school. Watching this video led to a great conversation with my partner just now. The only difference is I think my partner is neurodivergent as well and I'm gently encouraging him to explore it too. Thanks again for helping me to feel seen. Also, regarding the metaphors, I'm a writer and have been studying writing for the past couple of years. I write non-fiction and we are taught that the use of metaphor in writing is so important but it's something I struggle with. I appreciate a creative metaphor but find it hard to come up with my own; my writing is very literal and sometimes I feel it's too earnest. I've had a few articles published and people always appreciate the way that I present my thoughts and articulate them in a very straightforward way.

[@givmarcham7915]

I always prefer to txt to communicate bcoz the language I don't have to use my voice when the words get stuck and I end up mute

[@Sky-Child]

Oh yes for this. I'm either far too many words or unable to get anything out

[@wiegraf9009]

Yes! It's very hard to speak sometimes when I am non verbal or nearly so. Every word is a struggle to get out!

[@givmarcham7915]

@@wiegraf9009 nice to hear that people are sharing my struggle

[@ari3lz3pp]

I love this. It reminds me of my husband and I quite a bit. (I too have ASD and he has ADHD). I used to refuse to put effort in to push him to go partake in experiences with me (out in the world) but it finally got to me. I was surprised that once I did just realize I had to be the one to plan it out he actually really enjoyed most of these events and places we went. :)

[@toni5543]

These are the kinds of videos I need. Thank you both so much! more of this!

[@LightsandVessels]

Thank you both for putting yourselves out there. very useful for me

[@ellasanderson2597]

I love this . It's so good to know that someone else experiences some of the things that I do with my boyfriend ❤

[@cephyc2395]

Thank you Mr. Purple for sharing your perspective!

[@fideovilm8448]

What a lovely person your husband is. Thanks for sharing this...it was really interesting (and satisfied my nosiness!) x

[@shannonsmith924]

This was a long video but I watched every second of it. I’m trying to get my boyfriend to understand me enough to be able to problem solve my issues and such. He wants to marry me and we compliment eachother well because he’s more practical thinking and I’m more of a dreamer and unrealistic thinker with my ADHD. I get so focused on things like reasearch of this kind of thing, I want to share my research with him. However, I’m not concise. My thoughts on it are hard to sort through on my own. Communication is way to hard being neurodivergent. Eventually even soon I’ll be getting married and I know I’d probably be overwhelmed from all the new but I guess I’m bracing myself for the happiest and most different biggest change in my life. Thankyou for sharing your life. I can gain a lot of wisdom and tips and learning from it.

[@janjones2635]

Love this video. I need a Mr Purple of my own!

[@AlinaBallerina31]

Aside from the topic i have to say this video is the cutest and you guys are just amazing together. ❤️

[@alexac5001]

Great video! Very useful. Thanks tp you and mr Purple!

[@rover790]

Thank you both for doing this video and sharing it. I am certain it will help lots of couples.

[@Realalma]

I’m autistic and since my diagnosis my marriage has deteriorated completely. I thought it would be a breakthrough but it became a complete breakdown of our relationship 😢.

[@susanbuxton4545]

Hi Ella and Mr Purple, Ella this is the best video that you have done. I so needed this information and tips, in my relationship. Ella, I want to say that I had been firstly diagnosed with depression with mood swings, the mood swings was the autistic meltdowns and I was never depressed which my GP had diagnosed me with and after many, many years I was then diagnosed with bipolar and that diagnosis I had for many many years, then when I was 51 I got the diagnosis of autism, I am now 53 and now I have just been diagnosed also with ADHD, alexithymia and dyslexia. When I was diagnosed with depression with mood swings, I was prescribed anti depressants and after many years of being on anti depressants I was informed that I should be on anti psychotic medication, which I went on , after many years of being on anti psychotic medication I got the diagnosis of bipolar so was told to stay on the anti psychotic medication. I was on the anti psychotic medication right up to my diagnosis of autism, then I was told by the psychologist who diagnosed me with autism said that I no longer need the anti psychotic medication and that I should stop taking the medication. Which I did stop taking the medication and now I am a new person. With my ADHD, I'm not taking any medication as I am going to control myself with natural alternative supplements. I have been married for 31 years and of that 31 years we have been separated nearly 4 years, we still have a very good relationship. We have 2 grown up daughters and a grand daughter. Because I was misdiagnosed and wrongly medicated and also misunderstood our family life has been extremely challenging and toxic. My daughters and I don't have any sort of relationship now and I'm not able to see my granddaughter. My daughters don't believe that I am autistic, they just believe that I am evil because of the way that I am. I'm pleased that your family and your relationship with Mr Purple is in a much healthier condition than my family life and my relationship with my ex partner. At least you got the diagnosis early in life, and now you are able to deal with the challenges that comes your way. I wish that I had have been diagnosed correctly many, many years ago, my life could have been different. I also want to congratulate you both on the many years of marriage and many, many years to come.

[@blackbird365]

Oh dear, what a very sad story - (many important aspects of it are v similar to mine. My ex-husband & I are still friends, though living apart for many years now. My adult child rarely communicates with me at all, & then only a 1-line text v rarely. I too miss my grandchild. ) Being misunderstood, misinterpreted, mis-diagnosed, abandoned or ignored are the worst things in life. I do hope you're feeling better about yourself now and enjoy a happier future. Very best wishes to you, Susan. x

[@PlanetZhooZhoo]

What a lovely, supportive husband!

[@raffaelexu6452]

I would love to see a video on how to recover from hyoerfocus, as when I hyoerfocus I feel destroyed afterwards, with mental images of the thing I was focusing on. Similarly, if I go to the cinema I am then overloaded for a day with images and colours from the movie.

[@PurpleElla]

Yes I really relate to this, when I close my eyes after a stimulating day I get like a slideshow going really fast of images from the day and it's v.overwhelming.

[@wiegraf9009]

This was experience with Dune 2021. I was totally overcome with the sensory simulation a day later!

[@valdkynd]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, Purple Ella and Mr Purple! :) I can relate to a lot of the situations, although I believe my partner and me are both neurodivergent (him suspected ADHD and an extrovert, me suspected autism and an introvert)

[@117000000]

👍 Thanks both of you, Very clear direct talking throghout the 2 parts, no beating arround the bush he he... So it was'nt just un-understandable blah-blah. Best wishes, thank you from Denmark

[@ann-marielofberg1159]

Hi, me and my husband just celebrated our 20th Anniversary, I got my diagnoses 4 years ago, and they are the same as Yours. I will tell my husband about this video, we do a lot of it already, but maybe he would be helped or just feel he's not alone. Mr Purple and my husband seem to be very similar in their outcome so I feel this are helpful for us too, maybe!

[@johedges5946]

you two are just gorgeous together! (heart emoji)

[@nicholasclaus9695]

hello mr purple nice to meet you, you are an extremely lucky guy for having a loving wife much respect to you and the purple fam as a whole

[@itsmeheathermarie]

Awesome video! I must ask, where did you get your shirt? It's so amazing!

[@nobodysperfect06]

Thinking about Steve Spitz from love on the Spectrum gets me mad and depressed

[@vik5648]

Very interesting video. Thank you both. May I ask, Ella, where did you purchase your amazing t shirt?!

[@PurpleElla]

It's from Run and Fly

[@soniaalaska6733]

Amazing powerful couple, love this video so much

[@Oberon44]

I’m ADHD and my wife is ASD-1. It is very hard at times. I’ve never seen a video about our type of couple but there are some very particular struggles we face.

[@marleenschulz9640]

How is planning vacations going? That, in my experience, is difficult to say the least ;)

[@electron2601]

Great video! Great tips.

[@enoxia5027]

@PurpleElla I am a neurotypical person, I'm interested in a girl that has ASD, recently we were supposed to go out for dinner but she got really socially anxious leading up to the date. On the morning of the date, she came to me and apologized and explained that she was really socially anxious about it. I replied to her and said let's reschedule for the following week and that it is okay, trying to reassure her that I wasn't in any way upset. It's been about a day and I haven't heard from her, which worries me that she feels she let down and is now upset. Any advice for me?

[@lindadunn8787]

Maybe don't try running before you can walk. Brilliant! Simply practical. How about sitting before crawling?

[@youcollis]

Hi this it’s very helpful I m neurologic and my girlfriend she situating We had A baby and she melt down and brake up with me so I had to live the house And I feel so sad and don’t know how to deal

[@zk1801]

Great video thanks Ella

[@Chaitranjali]

I am eager to know the challenges you (Ella) faced being married to a neurotypical person and how you both worked it out. Both autistic and non autistic people have their own strengths and weaknesses. It would be nice to hear your side of the story @Purple Ella

[@PurpleElla]

I love this comment, thank you for acknowledging that I might have difficulties too. We are actually working on making a new video, but we want to be honest and authentic so currently working out how to do it while maintaining a level of privacy

[@Chaitranjali]

@@PurpleElla Thank you. I am looking forward to it 💜

[@allythearts5439]

What should you do if you can't afford/don't have insurance to go see a licensed psychiatrist for a autism diagnosis?

[@haroldgifford852]

Happy Mother's Day! ⚘

[@katherineseager3363]

Thanks for another great video, and thank you to Mr Purple for sharing his thoughts and experiences with us

[@MM-by8ke]

What kind of medication for ADHD do you take please? Just curious what works

[@3vanescent96]

But ur husband is lucky and very considerate

[@thankyu4themusic]

Could you recommend where to get tested privately

[@d0mlyf322]

I love my girlfriend Iv never felt like I wanted to be with someone forever before, and she’s neurodivergent. I feel like all I do is mess up and I just want us to be happy

[@stephencolligan]

Please don’t take this as being deliberately rude or intrusive,but how did you know it was love,when you fell in love with Mr Purple if you struggle to recognise your own emotions? As an NT,falling in love for me was a tangible aching feeling,and although the Aspie I was with claimed to love me too,I was unsure if it was real/the same as what I was experiencing,or perhaps something that was just voiced to ‘fit in ‘ . Thank you

[@wiegraf9009]

At least for me, the recognition of feelings comes and goes, it's not that I can never recognize them. I can also act on feelings without recognizing them or partially recognizing them. It's not like the feelings are absent, they can just be acting behind my back sometimes.

[@Lynn-nd8po]

Thank you!

[@3vanescent96]

Can we see u do a raads-r test I want to see it lol I got 190 😅

[@sallyfangsrud9624]

He sms to me to also be on the sppectrum

[@lorenab5892]

So, it's not normal to be screamed at for having a meltdown? That's what my husband does to me, then makes me tell him what's wrong then calls it bitching. I've been having a meltdown for 4 hours now because he just keeps making it worse.

[@Exsugarbabe1]

Your husband needs to learn to cope with his condition without resorting to bad behaviour.

[@krugerfuchs]

Yay hi Mr Purple

[@jayer9514]

Does he have a sister? 💜💜💜

[@PurpleElla]

😂

[@dievalie]

But why are you afraid of using metaphors? 😀

[@derekwfrazier]

Im so sad watching this

[@vik5648]

Very interesting video. Thank you both. May I ask, Ella, where did you purchase your amazing t shirt?!

[@PurpleElla]

It's from Run and Fly, and thank you.