Long-distance Relationships (LDRs) of Narcissist, Borderline

In long-distance relationships, the narcissist interacts with one internalized object (image on a screen, voice in a chat) to create another internal object (the snapshot, or introject). This completely distorts the entire dynamics of the shared fantasy.
Long-distance relationships (LDR) conducted mostly online are very triggering for mentally ill people.
Example of NPD-BPD applicable to all types of LDRs involving narcissists and borderlines.
NPD becomes borderline and borderline becomes narcissistic.
Poor communication skills (instrumentalized alloplastic monologues, never a constructive, results-oriented dialog).
External locus of control by internal objects in NPD (estrangement) and external regulation in BPD.
Impossible to maintain object constancy and introject constancy.
Snapshotting (introjection) and idealization disrupted.
Shared fantasy intermittent and gives rise to paranoid ideation (no trust) and nonproductive devaluation (splitting, approach-avoidance repetition compulsion, but no separation-individuation).
Hoovering and self-hoovering
No reclaim or reconciliation sex owing to distance, fear of outsourcing (infidelity).
This leads to perceived abandonment and rejection (persecutory object and triggering of bad object), possessiveness (romantic jealousy is fear of loss), frustration-aggression, acting out in psychopathic self-state.
Finally, LDRs lead not to classic devaluation-discard but to a sadistic and vengeful wish to destroy the frustrating object. This resembles the external solution in mortification.
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[@user-qb8qm4mp5n]

Narcissists are not serious about LDR working. They are more concerned with making their partner jealous. They're cold, calculated, and cruel. The worst mistake I ever made in my life was to get involved with one. I was the one who walked away, as I figured out the extensive "travel" for work was bogus and an excuse. 30 years later he's still chasing me and trying to spy on me. I have had to publicly humiliate him to get him to stop. Narcissists don't understand the word, "no." I truly believe if I had stayed I would be dead long ago.

[@Morigan20003]

Exactly

[@Morigan20003]

They will just gives you breadcrumbs of attention in LDR

[@MariePerez-e2l]

Professor Vakin you have absolutely explained this in such a way that I have searched all over the internet for and every single key point or example is absolutely correct. From the BPD point of view and the NPD point of view it is so unbelievably accurate. What was most impressive was your ability to know exactly what kind of arguments would take place in such a relationship and even how at some point it would become sadistic. Very impressed and very thankful to you for your work. If anyone really looks to learn or know about narcissist or BPD or any other disorders , this is the professor to follow and learn from. I highly recommend his books as well.

[@samvaknin]

Vaknin. Thank you.

[@MariePerez-e2l]

*Vaknin I apologize for the error in my comment.

[@tlxxx1596]

I’m a BPD in a long distance relationship. Thank you, I’ve been dying to learn about this topic. Right on time Sam, right on time.

[@jjj4n4]

me too! I "ran" over here as soon as I got notification for this video.

[@tlxxx1596]

@@jjj4n4 could you relate to what he discussed? I definitely could! 🥴 lol

[@jeanettebarker9519]

This is helpful to understand. My narcissist partner and I were together for 1.5 yrs and then he moved for work. He became incredibly restless. He always needed to be around people. And, within just a few weeks he became very abusive and angry towards me. He kept saying “I need more emotional support” and “you’ve changed.” It was quite bizarre to witness. I had to walk away and block him. It was incredibly painful. This helps me to better understand his behavior.

[@la8076]

Always surprising how accurately you can explain these complex dynamics

[@siddharthjodh]

Glossary of 10-dollar words: 1) Epistolary (adj.): written or expressed in the form of (mail, postal) letters. 2) Ameliorate (v.): to make something better 3) Mitigate (v): to make something less harmful or serious 4) Nefarious (aadj.): criminal, immoral. 5) Exacerbate (v): to make something worse

[@vy5922]

I can't wait to see one million subscribers here.☺ Thank you for another great video and facts prof. Vaknin.

[@samvaknin]

This is an academic channel, not self-help, dumbed down victimhood nonsense. If I hit 1 million subscribers, I must be doing something wrong.

[@angelapereira1972]

Spot on Professor 😂

[@lindanicola]

57:49 thank you ever so much Prof. Vaknin. Listening to you puts all I went through with a long distance relationship in perspective. Your words are golden. ❤

[@zulftreerain8991]

The way you paraphrase your sentences to make it more clear for us gives me feling like you care for us and that creates some bond and respect, thank you for being like that, it definitely helps much to grasp the essence. What a bright mind you have and when you joke you are charming, but you know it all, right? 😇

[@Raphael0654]

14:52 Excellent description of a most mind-bendingly convoluted mindset. 😂

[@dylanfrasier4054]

This was very helpfull.I am in a fake ldr and i dont know if im mentally ill but it triggers me.Thanks Sam another gem of wisdom.

[@13v1]

Afternoon Professor Vaknin, an influencer named Owen Cook recommended you at a seminar, today the first day I’m looking you up and my goodness the timing is immaculate, thank you for posting my situation the day the situation comes up and I find you

[@jessec.6101]

Congrats for hitting 300k, Vaknin.

[@saeculumobscurum292]

Absolutely staggering & succinct summary of my LDR with a Covert Narcissist. Brilliant! I learned to record conversations and make screen shots of texts!! Never needed since No Contact is adhered to. Listening to this video, it's as if there had been a third set of ears in on conversations and it was made around it!! The sadistic description hit me between the eyes! Thank you, Professor Vaknin!

[@kyliesmith9782]

Me too

[@OtsoSevilla]

Whoop whoop this a very genius topic finally.. I already wrote my comment before I ever begin to watch my favorite Prof on Earth .. ❤❤❤

[@nicoletacherechesu1576]

I have waiting so long for this video

[@nicoletacherechesu1576]

Because I was in long distance relationship with un narcisist(I supose)…..and we finished worst after 3 years of shared fantasy 😅and my discard was with a silence treatment for 6 months ago………… So easy to him to punished and discarded me …….

[@lorrainemorsch760]

Very informative, Thank You Dr. Vaknin!!

[@HighEnd-S]

I have a huge 8 Years experience with this, when the time was for me to fly back to meet my Histrionic girlfriend, she was excited and then later on she was upset and distant ....it was like flip a coin....

[@justmechristin7]

I would love to know about narcs and normal* ppl in ldr 😊❤ Always love your videos!!! Thank you for educating!! ❤

[@startrooper77]

Are some normal people in LDR? Professor Vaknin

[@kyliesmith9782]

That was my situation Its just as sadistic and verbally abusive, however I had no idea what I was dealing with until I began researching and went down the rabbit hole. Over video chat, I observed him switch states in front of my eyes, which led me to think he had DID for some time. After 3yrs and the most soul destroying shit I had ever been through, the cycling, the accusations, the abuse. I ended it. Only to reconnect. I then needed to see it for myself and booked a flight to the US from Australia. He was happy I was coming one minute and then suspicious and accusatory the next. 2 days before I was due to leave, I received news from his stepdad that he was found dead from drug overdose. It was ruled accidental. I never received closure and I felt nothing but guilt and pain, that I was somehow responsible. Listen to the Professor. Do not enter into this dynamic. Save yourself the eternal grief

[@mark-931]

I still don’t know if I was dealing with NPD or BPD. In the beginning she was incredible when we were together. but when we were apart.. my gosh…. I’ve been through hell. Literally. In the end her rage was massive, and she also became exploitative, scheming … a true nightmare

[@melissa-kml]

Sorry to hear that. I am still processing the fact that women have this behavior also

[@angelapereira1972]

Thank you Professor!!! Absolutely amazing lecture 👏👏👏

[@tomorrowsyoutube7138]

Professor Vaknin. This is the best information I’ve ever heard in regards to narcissism What do you do once the narcissist demonizes the bpd in a LDR if you want to resolve the demonization and continue with the LDR

[@gafer8808]

Nice video thank you

[@OtsoSevilla]

I wish I knew then what I know now.. I went full blown self sabotage.. Things Ive never done before.. I’ve never Isolated myself for more than a week til this thing happened to me, that If I told my oldself that her future self would Isolate herself for a year my old self would definitely say HELL NO! 😂 I’m sorry but you did! And here we are today after a year and a half ago Prof Sam Vaknin is the only best thing thats ever happend to me

[@kyliesmith9782]

Me too

[@Morigan20003]

Me as well we are together in this

[@maddymcaden6841]

Hi Sam, thank you for this lecture. Considering LDR’s, why would a covert narcissist want to spend 4 hours of zoom talking every day, but go into a silent treatment the moment the plane lands. It seems pointless to me. Is this the part where he likes the image of me, but not the actual person?

[@samvaknin]

Time to watch the video, finally.

[@simonivafiadou9586]

Excellent lecture professor!

[@snezanajuricevic1000]

Sta se desava kada se ipak vidjaju povremeno I na kraju se spoje I pocnu da zive zajedno ove dve licnosti posle duzeg perioda odvojenog I povremenog vidjanja? Molim Dr Sema da objasni ovakav primer, hvala unapred

[@snezanajuricevic1000]

@@KellenAdair volela bih da znam kakva je onda dinamika takvog odnosa, da Dr Sam objasni

[@MariePerez-e2l]

He answered that question. He said a long distance break up would end in mortification UNLESS the partners had multiple in person visits that were about a week or so in length. If it’s just a couple days it would still lead to mortification.

[@pipopipo6477]

Does your tips on how to break up with a BPD also apply to long distance relationships or are there other implications that need to be considered? Is it ok to just don’t reply anymore at a certain point (at least for a while) when you feel you said everything and they’re still hovering and emotionally abusing you or will this lead that you will become their life long enemy?

[@narcflixnchill]

Professor Vaknin, You’ve explained before in previous teachings that unless you inflict mortification in a public setting that this is the only way a narcissist collapses which then dissolves the internal snapshot and he won’t Hoover or return. Does the same apply in an LDR with the varying difference that the narcissist’s mortification is “self-inflicted” per se and the devaluation being seen as if it’s in the public eye as you explained? If the narcissist never had an “original snapshot” due to the absence of the physical body and self-manufactured the internal object, would this lead him to digitally remaster any previous internal object, thus, creating a new shared fantasy? Or it doesn’t matter how the collapse ensued by way of the narcissist or the intimate partner it just dissolves everything? Thank you!

[@samvaknin]

LDR breakups amount to mortification UNLESS the parties have had multiple face to face weeks-long encounters.

[@narcflixnchill]

@@samvaknin thank you for clarifying!

[@torrellmorton]

Why is my ex-girlfriend in secondary psychopathy 3 months later?

[@OfficialKoodaBTV]

Don’t claim them bro 🧿! The ex I recently started acting started acting weird after 4 months she traveled to she and brought me gifts whole time she’s a narcissist I tried to be open with her and she still moves wicked.

[@RuAce22]

Thank you for this. He still is very controlling even tho he is miles away. Somehow, I can't get away from him or this " relationship". I block, delete, and no contact, and somehow, he wiggles himself back to me. 5 yrs yea, anxiety, Depression body dismorphic. He does work his majic but at the cost of mental torture. 😢 We play this game called Second Life, and that's how we meet online, we hug and everything with avatars. So it feels so real as real as it gets. Mr Sam is correct sometimes I feel anxiety and my heart is bursting until I start to talk to him. But now I am ok I no longer feel this after a started to watch narc videos, now idc of this LDR.We just cant be without each other. Lonelines used to each other?

[@Welljustask]

Thank you professor

[@Wisdom.2044]

Our BPD and NPD long distance relationship takes 12 years, we see each other 2 times per year, i cant understand why he doesn't do anything for us, to be together

[@martillo9437]

Professor, one question ..? What are the difficulties of a mother who has bpd and consequences for her child??

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel for "dead mother".

[@martillo9437]

thank you..@@samvaknin

[@EmperorZaph1512]

Is there an explanation for when a person actually prefers the fictional art or image that their long distance partner uses on social media to the actual person behind it? The sexual and romantic attraction is veered towards the art and pictures used on their social media profiles or the characters that they play in fantasy settings. And while they enjoy the personality of the person running the account, and enjoy the persons presence, wishes them well on their goals and motivations, the partner just has a near zero attraction to the persons actual appearance in real life and imagines the characters and art during sex

[@samvaknin]

Google fictophilia and fictosexuality.

[@homerover4990]

This is wild 😂😂😂

[@Whitethunder777]

Is there a video on a normal person meeting a grandiose narcissist online? And not borderline txxx

[@samvaknin]

Search the playlists.

[@ImogenDistaso]

So the mortification would mean no hoovering, or unlikely?

[@samvaknin]

Search this channel for mortification.