Love Bombing and Grooming: In Crosshairs of Narcissists, Sadists, Psychopaths

[@FreedomandRights4US]

I'm utterly convinced there's no man alive who knows more about narcissism than Sam Vaknin.

[@محمدالنور-ق2ض]

Is he a narcissist?

[@rachellesmith1600]

​@@محمدالنور-ق2ض Yes! He admitted it hence why he is an expert.

[@محمدالنور-ق2ض]

@@jasminpilipovic4570 😂🤣

[@rms15374]

No wonder… in one of his videos, in a speech in Budapest he acknowledged the destructions he left behind in his life. So I think in a way… I am listening to his deepest confessions from the prison of his disorder just as a killer would do in order to gain insight of their minds.

[@Brilliant42]

I couldn't agree more

[@Whitters40]

My ex-husband is a clinically diagnosed borderline personality with narcissism. To the extreme. To the point that by the divorce after 13 years of hell, he FINALLY admitted being one even though we BOTH knew he was diagnosed and he also admitted everything he did with and to me was a plan for his play book. I was the lawn that allowed him to manipulate EVERYTHING ELSE in his life to where he had total freedom. He ONLY finally admitted it because it was his last chance other than now with the kids to REALLY get in my head and assure that I knew for him, I will always be the enemy and deserving of his ugliness. I've listened to ALOT of these videos by people and read many books over the years. This is the BEST MOST SPOT ON INFORMATION FOR NARCISSIST ABUSE I've come across. They WILL turn you into them as fast as most and then they will burn you at the stake with their evil abilities. The more you try to learn and then turn around and try to win with the narcissist the WORSE IT GETS AND THE MORE YOU LOSE YOUR OWN MIND. Satan roams the earth devouring souls UNCEASINGLY. A narcissist is sadly a perfect vessel to infiltrate and consume a good soul. Protect your sanity and heart and soul and DISAPPEAR from their purview. Never be emotionally accessible. Ever. Ever. You can never figure a real narcissist out. Not until you're far traumatized. Bc alot of people THINK they have been abused by a NARCISSIST but in reality once you actually come to accept that you have allowed yourself to be fully played like a cheap easy game and are now mentally. Physically and many other ways unwell and in need of real help, do you realize that the narcissist had you in their grip long before you ever realized. Because, it was from day ONE and will never end. This is the most I've EVER spoke on this scary, drama filled and painful part of my life. Please, take it to heart. You don't want to be forever changed and have to heal yourself knowing you really may not be able to in a way that is full and total.

[@ubeinhip]

Thank you for sharing your story. I feel for you. I’ve gone through nightmares with narcissistic too. Now, three years single, I start meeting people and after I also read so many books and therapy every guy I meet I can’t trust them, like I can’t build a relationship now cuz as soon as they start doing some Love and Care I instantly think they do it to love bomb and manipulate. How to have a relationship now …

[@marycontrarian]

Thank you both so much for sharing your experiences. I resonated so much with both of you. Hope your both in better places emotionally now and wish you all the happiness that you both deserve. ❤

[@harryfurlong8494]

If your empathic or highly intuitive you definitely get that feeling of extreme unease around certain individuals but can never quite explain or put your finger on why

[@AA-lq5pu]

The last time I met with this person I found it strange how my body started reacting very , heart palpitations, mentally I felt calm and it was as if my body was a separate entity screaming at me, get away. My body was just not allowing me to be around that person anymore.

[@AA-lq5pu]

@@luckylisp455 You are right, thank you lucky! I listened and began to heal. I got really really I'll 2years back and was debilitated, taken me two years to heal so I had no choice if I wanted to heal to stay away. My illness is what made me finally close the door.

[@AA-lq5pu]

@@sammiemk2364 Thank you for sharing, interesting how you thought it was the in love feeling. That really makes me think now. What about brides who suddenly get these intense wedding gitters. Maybe that is also the body screaming.

[@AA-lq5pu]

@@sammiemk2364 hey, sunny. Glad you left during the love bombing phase. And thank you for sharing. Very strong of you to leave during the love bombing phase. Very nice of his wife to warn you.

[@AA-lq5pu]

mk wow, I don't want a distance more than five meters, i have to be with you all the time. Red flags. Thank you for sharing sunny. Glad that you are now healed.

[@ChiGodeSiAccontenta]

Such a good wise body!!!

[@theoneandonlymoni6204]

Yes! In my experience with a narcissist...I feel that they are replicating their childhood trauma on their "mother"(new partner) in order to get their revenge. This is why they take time in the discard phase...they want it to happen the way they plan it. In order to change their past discard as child...this time they will have their " mother" clambering for their approval and forgiveness. When I took the narcs ability to discard me away he lost his mind! Saying "this is not how I wanted it!! You are not supposed to take your relationship status down first!" He then carried out a grand goodbye to me on fb...i knew Then this dude was crazy.

[@razasyeda6054]

this is correct ! mine planned his revenge for a good 5 months and discarded me in the most brutal way. he didn't even leave my family out of it.

[@warmbloodydew]

Damn, I broke up with him first because he didnt like my dog and begged me to continue the relationship and damnnn when he discarded me,I begged for him to return later. I should know better!

[@itsall_coming_down]

I endured 5 years of verbal abuse. He wasn’t like that in the beginning. Didn’t see it until it was too late. I am now a shell in therapy. Stripped of everything I once was. He talks about narcissistic injury. I can say after he cheated on me this first time I was in disbelief. He kept lying, that we had this great relationship. I received a message from a guy on social media. He asked if I had ever been out of state and thanks for the add. My ex went Into my phone and took it as me cheating..?? Talking to another guy I guess. And destroyed my phone. Shattered it to pieces. When things wouldn’t go his way or he felt threatened he would destroy and throw things. He would always tell me I don’t get jealous. Of course he wouldn’t! He would just get even.

[@theoneandonlymoni6204]

@@itsall_coming_down this is where your real inner work begins. He will be back so you need to start your healing process. Try to understand why you allowed it for so long and close that gap. They love to see shattered past supply because it reinforces their importance. It is time to block him out, work towards a goal that makes you happy, and never let anyone control you or your emotions again. His karma is the daily struggle of pretending to be "normal", maintaining lies, and childish behavior...fighting the illness within himself. You...unlike him... will grow from this...

[@marymastandrea2640]

💯

[@penelopepitstop1707]

Want to watch an overwhelmingly enlightening lecture on narcissism? Then watch this one. Twice.

[@onetwo234]

Roxana Nasturas masterclasses are worse

[@yvonne2965]

@@roxananasturas for sure, great video

[@Healingherbsandlivity]

Agreed

[@violettevixen9483]

“ILove you I adore you. I worship you. I will never hurt you. “ - omg! exact words spoken by my narc!

[@andrewferguson3535]

The reveal is slow. If you stay after the first abuse. The die is cast. The mask is slowly removed and let the head games begin. Your life is now on a slow downwards spiral and all your references are slowly and systemically eroded. Up becomes down. Left becomes right. You’re now living in a world of smoke and mirrors. You no longer feel the same but can’t put your finger on it. Your confidence leaves you, your inner voice is sending you warning signals in the form of anxiety. Your narcissistic partner is draining your very soul. If you stick around you will lose everything! Your health, career, friends, family, sanity, home and possibly your life. If you escape you will be damaged for the rest of your life and find it impossible to form another healthy relationship.

[@andrewferguson3535]

L A no you can never be the same after narcissistic abuse. However you can definitely come through the other side a much better person. The narcissist is a fast track university course on what people to avoid at all costs. They also teach us the importance of empathy, compassion and love and the key roles these play in our lives. There is personal growth opportunities if you take them.

[@debralbungermd8804]

No this isn’t always true! I emotionally divorced my husband two years before I left him. I lost everything in my divorce, but not my self worth or sanity. I didn’t k now about narcissist back then; I just decided he was crazy and that I hated him and built a life iof my own. Before I kicked him out. I heard he still misses me 16 years later.

[@saadhassan8568]

Pp00

[@alismithrethinkingtrauma]

Super informative. Great learning as a therapist thank you

[@itsall_coming_down]

💯 Your words ring so true....

[@marcirobins5144]

His book was the first book that I read about Narcissism. It is the gold standard. Read it, learn it. Save yourself.

[@shineureyes5242]

What is the name of the books

[@dodo-e4x]

@@shineureyes5242 malignant self love

[@aaya77]

For me is the hardest thing is to accept, these monsters do exist, even myself living with one for so many years, still can't comprehend such negativity, rage, and inhumane actions of his. I always believed there is goodness in everyone, so scary to let go of this belief. Somehow I have to drill this into my head. Thank you, Sam, you are helping me a lot, now I can put finger on it, name it because it was so crazy-making experience. Psychopathic sadistic narcissist,- realizing this truth is so scary no wonder I denied.

[@prismbrandingrealestatebra6301]

Yes, I also thought that everyone is deep down a good person. This probably is us projecting ourselves into them. It is painful to see how much time was wasted on impossible relationships.

[@prismbrandingrealestatebra6301]

Don't feel guilty going no contact with a narcissist. Narcissists need to be alone. They must learn to be with themselves.

[@BecomingaQueen]

Truly love your videos 😍 I was lovebombed, listened to your videos. Blocked him - unblocked him becuse of guilt and doubts 😨. And then I realised he is a narcissist for sure. Thank you for the videos 😍🌺💐💐🌺

[@michellburton442]

So spot on. I had the hoover tonight. I am so happy that I know what too look for. I have no desire to be a mind screwed again. I told him I was seeing someone else...not interested in being around him anymore.

[@juliaodgers7550]

"Eventually turns you into a Narcissist...like a vampire" !!! So true!!!!

[@OlympianVenus]

I love your videos and this video really described my ex. He blocked me everywhere on phone and social media because I wouldn’t help him buy a house and a car or wouldn’t fly to care for him during covid or wouldn’t move with him to rent an apartment with him. He would block me whenever he got upset. He wanted me to not talk to my family because they wouldn’t accept him instead of earning their respect. He wanted to control what I ate, what I wore, who I spoke with even what I spent money on. Then he would love bomb me and again the cycle of no contact if I misbehaved. He made minimum wage and wasn’t very handsome. He said “I know you will never leave me or deny me se…..x” but he would go no contact whenever I didn’t what he wanted.

[@mostthegames3723]

This is an absolutely, fantastically accurate video about what happens when you are within the grasp of the narcissist. You cant escape because of what Sam describes; that you become conditioned to love bombing, thus you are addicted.

[@GunCatPowMeow]

minute 20!!!! Thank you for pointing this out! I've been brought down by a sadistic narcissist. I was successful, happy and independent - 8 months ago, before I met him. Now I'm trying to merely survive day by day...

[@tessamonet6709]

Yes, min 20 for me as well.. and min 53

[@michellek2946]

Me too.

[@msanchezchiefs]

Yup your belly tells you when I first felt it I only knew him 1 month when he asked for a hug my iner being said run fast and don't look back i don't know why i didn't listen to that feeling

[@brandyanon8789]

Mine lurked a few years.. He was behind me in MY corner store one day.. Not long after he went to my job asking of me. When he spoke to me. I turned around and thought to myself. This man is going to kill me someday. I knew he was dangerous and something was off.. But I wanted to believe the lie..

[@maryc4463]

@@brandyanon8789 that's the problem isn't it, we WANT to believe the lie! I've felt numerous times that I had to have believed his "false self" on purpose like, to punish myself for some reason...I just can't ever come up with the reason that I would want to punish myself? But why else would I believe him? So confusing!?

[@TheRonaldbaxter]

Yes listen to your gut. It is true that your gut tells you something is wrong. The love bombing is like an active bypass!

[@brandyanon8789]

@@maryc4463 I couldnt have said it better. "Punish myself" I've felt this way with all things all my life. Like as a child... If tell on myself when I done wrong. I felt I needed to be punished for my wrong and it was the only way to make it right. But for this relationship.. Like you.. I still dint understand why I felt that way either. It's worked out for my good. He abandoned me pregnant, left me homeless... The strength I've gained from this is a strength I've needed all my life. I've healed. I don't "need" people as I once did.

[@TheRonaldbaxter]

I’ve got out quite lightly from my experience compared to the harrowing experiences some have had. However, it has made me stronger, opened my eyes, made me more confident and also quite universally spiritual though I’m not religious. She has helped me improve as a person simply by being her traumatised horrible self.

[@Lighthouse4297]

I was involved with someone who was a sadist. Everything you laid out all 6 things. I experienced. It has been horrendous. Thank you for explaining all of this.

[@roselinejeremie2912]

You are so intelligent the way you explained everything makes so much sense. Moral of the story stay away from people because they are every where and they need a host which is us. Wow I'm bamboozled 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

[@LimitlessThinker]

This is a masterpiece. You don't miss one detail. You are truly amazing.

[@victoriahaas9364]

yes this is really genius!!

[@sinjinv2]

I've always been suspicious of people who tend to use 4,5,6+ emojis in a simple text message. Thank you for beginning to explain this phenomenom, amongst many other things. I know you probably won't read this Sam but you're questioning of these topics and explaining them to others is so important, especially in these tumultous times. Thanks again dude.

[@samvaknin]

I read every single comment.

[@melaniehowes7367]

I love how he debunks the whole empath are the only targets theory!!!

[@martynborthwick1845]

In my experience, empathy is irrelevant to whos an ideal target. The ideal target is someone gullible, for example autistics or learning disabilities. The more gullible the better.

[@yabe1496]

Yes, im an empath, but anyone can be a target.

[@debralbungermd8804]

So called “empaths” are so full of themselves. I’ve never met anyone who called themselves an empath who had any scruples whatsoever.

[@spokeraq]

@@debralbungermd8804 those were narcissists. They love to boast about being empathic.

[@TelzAll]

Ppl in general are targets lol they want everyone

[@burymeinbaldwin5896]

With every Sam Vaknin video I watch I'm left shaking my head more and more. Tough fire to walk through but the only way to learn the life lesson that these people are out there in abundance! Thank you sir!

[@QCDoggies]

If this man isn't the last word on the subject, I don't think there is a last word. What a valuable contribution to understanding this complicated topic, in an ocean of misinformation.

[@spartanladkenny7870]

I am one of those people who cheated on their narc. I feel very guilty about it but I now understand what was going on at the moment. I underwent 6 months of emotional, verbal and physical abuse and I created a trauma bond with her. I was continuously under stress and every time I tried to tell her what was going on, she tried to tell me how I'm a perpetual victim. I told her she was emotionally abusing me within the first 3 months of the relationship and she discarded it as my "Americanism". I finally cheated on her. I didn't really do anything with anyone but I just went online. She found out and hit me. She never apologized for it. I, for some reason, I took it and because of guilt tried to make it up to her. I knew she will never move past it but I now understand that she went through narcissistic mortification. I also talked to my friends about the abuse and she read some of the messages where my close friends were telling me that she's a narc and made some jokes about her. She went absolutely MENTAL when she read those messages. After listening to Sam I understand that I put her through mortification on every level. She didn't really care that I was calling her abuser. The only thing she cared about was the fact that my friends think she's a horrible person and made fun of her. She even told me that I need to take my words back and tell my friends that she only REACTED because of what I did to her. Basically she wanted me to take the blame for not fulfilling her narcissistic needs. I've never abused her in any way shape or form. But to her, me not serving her like a slave was a good enough reason to abuse me. It was a fascinating experience for me. In all my past relationships I've never seen anybody behave so indifferent to my feelings. It was almost like she didn't see me as an individual which makes sense when Sam says she internalised me and I was no longer an external object. So she thought she could whatever she wanted with me because I was part of her. The mindfuck I've been through is unexplainable and it only started making sense thanks to Sam.

[@fayemissy1]

Yes this happened to me. He gave me huge confidence and I was addicted

[@j_u_ss_y]

My ex is a sadistic narcissist. Everything you mentioned is true. Why didn't I come across you 12 years ago. Thank you.

[@vincentwilliams8685]

Sad for all involved. Thank you SV

[@horrorcops]

I recently encountered a new narcissist he would be so annoying and send too many messages. I was like ive seen this before thank god I saw through that narc mask very very quickly. then I became the narcissist right back, quite scary these people.

[@ishootbishez6974]

Terrible and awful, I’m so sorry you went through that - so lucky you got out!

[@horrorcops]

@@ishootbishez6974 thank you I have encountered narcs in the past it was only 3 weeks but once you've seen a narc you know it feels strange as sam mentioned we know deep inside.

[@Julia-fe2gp]

genius explanation, never heard anything more clear, artificial intelligence and hall of mirrors metaphors are stunning! Thank you!

[@mreifendi]

I can't Thank God enough for showing your page 🙏

[@delaney5721]

I’ve never heard anyone explain it like this but I needed to hear this I dated a narcissistic psychopath

[@inferno3080]

Oh I didn't know she was love bombing me until I looked up narcissist traits and then this came up this is opening up my eyes bigger and bigger I can't believe she was doing this I'm just in shock.. thanks!

[@bhaskar6205]

Was the lovebombing followed by devalue and then an eventual discard? Really curious to know

[@dawnlandbags]

The creation of a narcissist is sad. Equal Love to ALL CHILDREN worldwide from this day forward.

[@melaniehowes7367]

It took me 8 days of some phone talks and messages to fully realise I was being groomed by a narcissist and I consider myself to be healthy, after hearing healthy people realised straight away I’m doubting myself a little!

[@sarahhargreaves7217]

Thank you so much for your insight, you have an excellent delivery of this very useful information. You’ve changed my life by sharing your knowledge ☺️

[@gsmooth4279]

50 Shades of Gray depicted this all absolutely: the intermittent reinforcement, and especially the grooming that disarms the victim. Why so many women idolise it I do not know, since it doesn’t depict consensual and safe sadomasochism at all, but the “narcissistic psychopathic sadism” triad you talk about

[@Bernadette-gd2oh]

That explains why my soon to be ex sadistic narc husband didn't want me to read the book or watch the movie!!! It would have shown me who I was dealing with!

[@helenas7416]

Absolutely brilliant explanation. Deep gratitude to you Professor for elucidating what has hitherto been utterly incomprehensible and ununderstandable.

[@hope46sf]

Thank you!! This is an incredible evaluation. I have not heard anyone else break down this type of narcissistic relationship as you have. It makes a lot of sense.

[@garagedancer122]

Your breakdown of the sadistic narcissist can help the targeted to understand whats going on. Here's a scenario: Narc brags about his cooking all the time, constantly sends me photos of delicious food he prepared I like the guy but have been aware that he is a narcissist and been keeping my emotional distance from him. He begs me to come over so I do after hard days work thinking at least I'll get a meal, and - nothing; did it about 3X. Its because he thinks that he is superior and irresistible that he can do that to people.

[@pookilovescuddles]

Ha! Were we dating the same guy? They are literally clones of each other. Totally nuts!

[@missta1820]

He was future faking. Mine used to tell me he'll take me out to lunch. Never happened. Of course I ended up dumping him. Not just over his false promises but many other abusive actions.

[@garagedancer122]

@@pookilovescuddles location?

[@lisaeustace1181]

If you’re not giving him supply and not being idealized in a shared fantasy I would think you are not going to get that meal. The best time to train the narcissist to do those things for you is when you’re being idealized. I am a borderline that’s been back and forth with a malignant for years. That’s my opinion.

[@amorrash9685]

this is really hurtful to listen to. but thank you for your work

[@danieleesposito2851]

This is the most informative and enlightening video lesson! I will be listening to all your videos Dr. Vaknin. Psychology is fascinating!

[@lizday8140]

The day he said, "I do", he didn't. I was the supply and services homemaker. Is there hope to ever find a healthy relationship? If they all "fake it 'till they make it?"

[@BrigitteGoodman]

First find yourself, forgive yourself, love yourself and then "he" might find you.

[@rarelotus9737]

Ian thanks for that uplifting and slightly humorous comment. It has definitely added some lightness to such a serious topic. People dealing with these situation need to know there is hope because often times it doesnt seem to be much light to exiting. Sometimes it feels easier to stay. It can become so normal after a while you know what to expect and it becomes harder to imagine life any different.

[@rarelotus9737]

Liz I related on that as well and it's funny how our minds start to guilt us back in to advocating there behavior..whether its accurate or not...finding an exit or not, I still cant help but feel sorry for the once damaged child ,that they must have to spend there lives to hurt and torment others when they themselves are broken. It's a sad truth to face.

[@pookilovescuddles]

@@rarelotus9737 Exactly. And we don't need to be a part of it. No-contact.

[@yourneighborsdog6099]

You describe everything so well and spot on

[@mostthegames3723]

Once you realize that the love bombing is empty, and is just a process, it loses its efficacy. As a target of it, I found that attempts at love bombing only irritated me.

[@shirleykurtz]

I enjoyed the love bombing. I was only 18 and to me it didn't feel empty! He was my first!

[@sheilacamp5089]

I hated it. I kept telling him that I was sick of hearing about me. It kept him from sharing or showing any of his emotions. Oh, I forgot, he didn’t have any, other than the continuing pursuit of everyone that he looked at.

[@shirleykurtz]

Very strange!

[@ChiGodeSiAccontenta]

Fully agree. Statement slike: I miss you... Become very irritating.

[@anovember6848]

(around 51:20) "...I obtain sadistic supply with my aggressive, ostentatious and public defiance of everything my targets or victims hold dear and sacred..." excellent upload, but the last 5 minutes of it was most riveting. Such precise description highlights this dismal and hopeless malady... the more i look into this-- the more i find it all around me.

[@dutchblackgirl6247]

Dear Sam Vaknin, Tank u for the video!

[@katarzynarukowiecka4240]

Excellent lecture and so true to reality. Thank u ☀️

[@hopecampbell9533]

Thanks Sam, it's like they make u fall in love with yourself. So true there's something missing basic things. He used to with old sex from me he was a sexual sadist. I nearly never made it I nearly committed suicide but with God s help and good friends I'm 3 years out and happy and now when I get that feeling that something off I detach. Its something about the txts they put punctuation in the wrong context I'm so grateful I got out alive xx

[@madamxnoirmore7824]

Thank you for sharing. I’m so very proud of YOU for getting out ALIVE! Knowledge is everything! The ultimate goal of these characters is to destroy & kill. If we commit Sucicide that’s ultimate supply for them, and then they can truly play the victim card on their next unsuspecting target 🎯 My Narc told me of two different Sucicide cases from his past.... Very grateful to be OUT, and to Sam for his KZbin channel! Thank You Everybody🙏

[@DarcyG-nk5nv]

Despite studying narcissism, I still see a split in opinions on one topic. Infidelity. I survived it and am now helping couples. The critical thing to look at is: "Who started it?" Because there is a huge difference between when the cheater went looking for what he found, versus the person who did not. Meaning, the person that looks for the affair removes his ring, lies about the marital status, or doesn't lie at all because he met someone as gross and narcissistic as himself. But the other type of affair is far different. It's called the "common affair" which can happen to anyone of us because we never see it coming. It's about vulnerability. And it's based on convenience ... you don't look for this person. It's going to be a coworker, a mutual friend, or someone that crosses your path for some reason. And it begins as "Just friends." But this friend ... is a covert narcissist. This person is a predator ... who will prey on your known pain/stress first, playing the friendship card. Once they get a foot in the door ... here comes intense grooming ... and love bombing. You don't see it coming. You fall into affair fog which is very real. Google it. It's the same as narcissistic fog ... or the same brain washing that happens to a child groomed by a pedophile. The child may cry, separated from her rapist. She needs to be deprogrammed. This same thing happens to the unfaithful in the common affair. He needs "no contact" to detox from the narcissist's love bombing and validation. She constantly praises him and invalidates his wife ... even in a passive aggressive manner. He's a god in her world, worshipped, his ass is licked. Narcissists beget other narcissists ... she tells him "he deserves to be happy, he's so amazing." And he believes her. Until he wakes up ... Single people talk about how they may not have even been attracted by the narc in their life, but somehow got bamboozled, love bombed, and found themselves addicted to this person. To them, this is rational thought. But when it happens to a married person, they reject the notion as if the unfaithful is a cheater ... and once a cheater, always a cheater. Why? A narcissist can love bomb a married person just as fiercely as they love bomb a single person. Makes perfect sense to me. And I've witnessed it many times over in my studies. We're programmed to think people look for affairs ... but there are studies about people cheating with unattractive people like it's shocking ... but they were vulnerable. The narcissists smelled that. The narcissist preyed on that.

[@GreenleafOTTS]

If you can, drop some links on this topic exactly. Thanks!

[@DarcyG-nk5nv]

@@GreenleafOTTS It's so strange because I thought I replied to your comment, yet there is no reply! Anyway, I have a plethora of information but it's more direction on what to look up, than links. And it's also very much common sense. Because think about it. You see this rapper on-line with 8 kids by 6 different women, he brags about how he always has two side pieces. That would be a narcissist, right? And that would be "once a cheater, always a cheater." Because to him, the attention of women is supply. He has no remorse at all. Now I met a woman who is a devout Christian. Never imagined she would ever cheat. She has 4 children, one with special needs. On top of that, her husband's Mom, newly diagnosed with dementia moved in. Her husband is a good guy, but he was working hard to support everyone. With Covid, she was home schooling. She was exhausted. One Sunday, after church, she stayed behind to pray. The youth pastor saw her and offered a shoulder. This was a huge mistake. Just because people claim to follow God, it doesn't mean they do. These are wolves in sheep's clothing. A friendship began. She never imagined what would come ... but it did. He began to tell her how wonderful she is. How her husband no longer sees her for the treasure she is, how her husband is neglecting her, how sad it is. He made her feel beautiful, he flattered her. He validated her. He listened. But this was all deception. She fell for the lies. The affair fog was so strong that when her husband found out and confronted her, she really believed this new relationship was "love." Their therapist suggested "no contact" which is how we handle narcissists too, right? Coincidence? Nope. Within 1 month, she woke the hell up and was so remorseful. She saw the grooming. She recognized that this guy was preying on her pain. How sneaky he had been. How even when she struggled with shame and wanted to back away, he then guilted her ... for hurting him. That does not excuse what she did. She had consequences to face now. She's fortunate her husband was willing to forgive. But you don't get trust back. She destroyed it. It can be rebuilt, but it takes a long time. A very long time. Betrayal is one of the worst things that happens to a person. So would you think this woman is like the rapper, once a cheater, always a cheater? Heck no. She had no history of cheating. She had been faithful for 15 years. But life got hard, and she was blinded by easy. Anyway, you can start with Affair Recovery (headed off by Dr. Rick Reynolds). Under Blogs, there are countless free videos. They do have paid courses too. But they have enough valuable info for free. Then there is Doug & Linda, of Emotional Affair Journey. Doug wrote a book, with another husband who had been unfaithful .. and they talk about the insanity of Affair Fog. How what they were experiencing was nothing more than new ... and they were blinded by the affair partners validation, grooming, affirmation ... It was crap. They felt insane. They also talk about the 3 M's of affair: Manipulation, Momentum and Madness. You can also google 6 words: ODDS OF AN AFFAIR MAKING IT. The answer? Grim. Why? Because it's fake. Vows state for better or worse ... because worse is coming. You can't avoid worse!! What happens to an unfaithful person is that life got very real, and very hard. Along comes this person pretending to be a friend, but narcissists do not respect boundaries. To them, it is supply to love bomb any target, but especially, if it means poaching a mate from someone else. Females, especially, get off on getting the good looking guy away from his pretty wife ... when the affair partner herself, is as plain as the day is long. Dr. Shirley Glass even wrote a good book about "Not Just Friends." because truly, when the average man cheats, it's not what we see in movies. She may not be cute! Affairs have nothing to do with love, sex, or even "gasp" physical attraction! It is the MENTAL screwing, that leads to the physical. The mental leads to fog and that fog is the best friend delusion. But fog is fog ... and it won't last. Statistically, only 10% of all affairs will lead to marriage themselves. But within 5 years, over 80% of that tiny 10% will divorce. More divorce beyond that. Very slim make it long term. On the flip side, 75% of marriages survive when the man cheats and 65% survive when the woman cheats. It's all out there, easy to look up. You can also look up "Unmasking Nicol Kessinger." right here on KZbin. That's more about Crime than infidelity ... but that is, to a tee, how a narcissist behaves. They are pathological liars, playing victim, playing innocent but they are anything but. They groom guys (male narcissists groom women), and have no ability to feel empathy for the wife or the children in the home being destroyed. They all SAY the right thing, like "work on your marriage" ... but then DO the wrong thing, continuing to go after the married guy, continuing to manipulate, etc. Four people ended up murdered (3 of whom were children) and she's in the interrogation worried about losing her job, or having her phone taken away. Are you kidding me?!?! If you watch, you will see how every affair partner is, without exception ... they are focused on the married person, taking his side, they know him a short time but act like they are experts on him, more than his wife is ... they pick apart the betrayed spouse, you hear the contempt in their voices when they speak of the wife ... no remorse. And yes, many are passive aggressive. Here's one example: The man, not flirting with this female at all- simply believing he is talking to a friend says: "My wife won't talk to me. Our son is sick, and she's shutting down." The narcissistic female responds: "OMG! My ex was like that. I begged him to talk to me! It broke my heart when he wouldn't." If you think this is innocent, think again. She JUST met the guy. Doesn't know him from Adam. Never spoke to his wife. Never got the wife's side of the story. And she just validated him, while invalidating his wife. This is female narcissism 101 ... preying on vulnerability. So when your uncle cheats on your beautiful aunt with the dumpy waitress at the diner ... don't be surprised. Expect it. Also, affair partners don't go away ... like any narcissist, they pop back up every few months ... trying to "hoover" the married person back. They could be in a new relationship themselves ... they don't care. Really ... I have a lot more than that .. I'm writing a book about what happened to my family.

[@GreenleafOTTS]

@@DarcyG-nk5nv yes, I have spent around a couple years gathering information on the behavior of the psychopath-narc predators. Beside Sandra Brown and this guy, most are "top 5 reasons he's a narc" but not much in the way of navigating this topic exactly. I am worked (continue working) through a complicated scenario where the married male psychopath (pastors kid of course) preyed on a married woman, but with a sadist bent, trying to coerce suicide once embedded. You definately feel like you are on an island, with seemingly no one understanding the seriousness of the situation. The normal person seems unable to grasp WHY the psychopath/covert narc does what they do; it is much easier to blame both parties and move on. A simple affair, if there is such a thing, would be a walk in the park compared to the grooming, gaslighting, pathological lying, threats and stalking of the demon psychopath; particularly when it is happening under nose of people who apparently are so sold on the "charm" of the person that apparently there are no consequences? Anyway, it is a specifically peculiar but gruesome scenario that im sure thousands of other people are isolated in and trying to navigate. I would be very interested in reading your story and will follow up on the names you mentioned. I had small hopes you would see the comment 9m later, thank you for replying 🙏

[@DarcyG-nk5nv]

@@GreenleafOTTS Anytime. And this, talking to others about your experiences, is also something that sets a cheater apart from the once a cheater, always a cheater mindset ... Narcissists makes excuses for cheating.They always feel justified. But the man or woman who cheated, but didn't look for the affair ... they make excuses while in fog, but as the fog breaks, they see what they have done and become tormented. They are hit with remorse. These men & women are the ones who will likely share their shame, to help others. That's like Dr. Rick Reynolds or Dr. Wayne Baker of Affair Recovery ... or Doug ... of Emotional Affair Journey. They were so affected about what they had done, they now work to show others how fake affairs are. Like Doug (or the other unfaithful husband who cowrote the book about affair fog) said: We, married people, see attractive people every day of our lives. We see them at work, at church, at the grocery store. Yet, cheating doesn't cross our minds. So why would we ruin our lives for someone we would never have considered dating, if we were single and free to choose? ... Why? Because we started out as friends, but we became friends with a predator (narcissist). Another good video is called "Narcissist Perfect Partner." put out by Raw Motivations ... It's not about infidelity specifically, but Ben does touch upon the fact that when you admit cracks in your marriage to a narcissist, that narc is already plotting to replace your spouse. It's disgusting. Every time marriage counselors warn people about friends of the opposite gender, the foolishness never fails. People chime in as if they are so smart ... about how men & women can be just friends, how they always had friends of the opposite gender, how they love getting the point of view of the opposite gender, etc. But that's not the point! When you are single, it's not an issue. When you are married and life is great, it's not an issue. It's when you are VULNERABLE, and that's the problem. You should be your spouse's greatest defender. And you should absolutely not talk to someone of the opposite gender, about problems in your marriage. It's the best advice ever.

[@GreenleafOTTS]

@@DarcyG-nk5nv yes, exactly.

[@matthewolson3309]

You did a great job of explaining the dynamics in this video. Thanks.

[@prismbrandingrealestatebra6301]

My narcissistic mom made me feel so loved and wanted when she loved bombed me. It was like the world was my oyster and everything was possible.

[@GH05T-FIN]

Found your channel and this is really golden. Thank you so much for this!

[@dande_lion]

"This is inducing a borderline personality disorder like state." OMFG. I was really questioning at the end if I have BPD, but didn't quite fit in.

[@mostthegames3723]

Yesssss! Me too!

[@pookilovescuddles]

They make us this way. Even just 2 months no-contact I feel mostly like myself again. Still it's tough and I fight the previous feelings, but it's amazing how their manipulation can change us from independent and secure, self-possessed, to insecure, up-down, totally controlled by them.

[@TheCbrander]

Me too,I feel the same.The funny fact is that when he described his ex girlfriend to me earlier in the relationship, I thought and even told him that she might have Borderline because she behaved like that.Guess what?11 months later,I was behaving like his ex and believed that I had Borderline.😕

[@prismbrandingrealestatebra6301]

The enmeshment is the worst. You feel as though you are in other people. You end up caring more about other people than yourself. You self sacrifice yourself ad infinitum.

[@michellebarnhart3479]

Had I watched this video 8 years ago I would have been very skeptical that there were many people in the world like this and I still find it hard to imagine or believe that some of my ex's thoughts or motivations or the plans that were behind his manipulation could have been so dark and essentially evil. I don't want to believe it. But I have to weigh the fact that due to not wanting to believe these things I have actually enabled his ability to continue to abuse me, victimize me, take practically anything he so desires from me, along with my dignity, my independence and my self worth. These characteristics seems seem so extreme and I know I have been naive to the fact that there are real people out there among us that are always looking for those that they can take something from, despite how it might hurt that person... But I have WASTED a good 4 years of my life (at least) continuing to live in that state of refusing to believe, thinking I could show him unconditional love and devotion, while blocking out, ignoring, refusing to confront him on things and maintaining this "selective amnesia".. all in an effort to recapture that magic I thought we had in the beginning. But I know now it was all a facade and he turned out to be nothing of the man he originally presented himself to be. Sadly he still controls me to a large degree, controls who I can speak to, who can reach me, what info I can access and learn about online, he knows every person i message, every search I do online, every video I watch, every app I use, because hes a very well skilled hacker and refuses to stop, and despite trying for 3 years to break free, regain my privacy, secure my devices, it's been unrelenting.

[@dianaa3336]

I hope you’re safe 😔

[@lesclark878]

great to see you back , thank you for great insight as i continue this journey , im on the rise and your work is very much apreciated as i delve deeper in to my own self which in reality is ware much of my reaction or should say over reaction resides , thank you 😊

[@datguy9408]

I have these narcissistic abusive issues I realized last night, I had a part of me in a dream that said it was gonna kill me and I said “fuck you” to that part of me. It was extremely uncomfortable but I just know that was exacerbated by the alcohol I abused throughout the years. I’m close to shutting it out completely but I don’t wanna be at the top and realize that part of me is still there. I think I’m gonna start by cutting alcohol completely out of my life, it’s half a decade overdue.

[@marissaboyce9308]

You're the only person I have ever heard truly describe what I went through with the last guy I dated, who was a true psychopathic narcissist/sexual sadist. He love bombed me AND he groomed me...he then discarded me in the middle of the grooming...do you think it was because he knew I was on to him?

[@ruthchristos7174]

Is he from Egypt?

[@delaney5721]

I too dated a narcissistic psychopath who would admit he was a psychopath but not a narcissist he admitted to being a real life sadist and a sexual sadist. There’s a difference between a real life sadist getting off on your actual suffering and a sexual sadist which is consensual with a masochist and both are getting fulfilled and it’s a positive experience rather than a negative one

[@cherryblossomtat2]

Yes

[@destinymattocks4216]

This is incredibly eye opening. This truly is what my ex was trying to obtain. He wanted it obtained through me after two years of live bombing, 1 year of grooming and, then two years of the sexual sadist abuse. Eventually he described to me he planned on doing this same process to our 4 month old daughter. I knew then I had satiated alive long enough and choose to keep my daughters innocence alive away from him. So we left.

[@disappearingremedy7400]

Brilliant. Thank you for your work.

[@madame_ros]

Absolutely brilliant!👌

[@matthewtoddbehindthescenes367]

This is the accurate truth and really well explained.

[@caroldemartin]

You are brilliant.

[@Pi2.718]

I have been successfully “grooming” my Narc and using full range of techniques .... as a result my Narc is hardly surviving me, I am bigger Narc than he is ... it is quite fascinating to observe the dynamics between us ... he is not aware of what he is, I am fully aware of me, and play accordingly .... I enjoy the “challenge” ... for me life has no meaning and is not fun, being one sided and fully predictable ...

[@TheUfm123]

28:49 holy crap It just came up u are the man Sam !! U hit it nailed it came Into consciousness . I was the golfeen child my mom and dad where going trough their mess and I me and my sibling were left in Mexico abandon and by this time I had attach to my sister wich was 7 years older and till now I know that I walk in and she was kissing a boy and it just like u said I never was the same again till now that I’m 5 years sober and deep in therapy . Thank you

[@lindadixon4284]

I just discovered your videos! Thank you!

[@BecomingaQueen]

This is so true- something was off key. And I could not put my finger on it. He did seem like IA 😨🙈

[@nancyfeke9585]

I couldn't cheat on him because he devalued me so very much....I thought that I was ugly and undesirable. I've lost 3 years of my sexuality. I'm out on my own now for 4 mths. I am now not interested at all. How sad.

[@angelac3788]

Dang...you nailed it with the virtue signaling and turning the victim into a narcissist.

[@jillivers4444]

Excellent lecture. Well done. Thank You very much

[@alanabowker1363]

Thanks Sam for what you do.

[@dv8578]

Wow that was Amazing! It was a lot of information but a lot of things that I didn’t know! Thank you so much for Sharing this ! I have been married to my Spouse 24 years, I have left several times and returned. I have been separated this time for 7 months. I thought he was Bipolar all these years, then I recently found out about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I have learned a lot online, and I was pretty sure he was a Narcissist, but now I wonder if he is Borderline, not sure which one, he has never gone to Counseling and denies it, I believe his father is a Narcisst, and his Mother had a Mental Disorder, possibly a Narcissist. Disorder

[@radiotvteapee2335]

Prof, firstly, you are an inspiration. Secondly: first time I am hearing about this “love bombing” but it sounds a lot like…. Social Media!!! Haha. Exactly why I don’t use social media, because it takes ones attention away from critical thinking . I suggest reading and talking to humans in person.

[@colleenproctor8212]

Holy fuck. Need to watch some puppy videos now.

[@reinar915]

I couldn’t find closure thinking I have dealt with a narcissist. It was worse, deliberate, on purpose. My ex enjoyed the pain, it was funny to lie to him. There was a sick drive to completely destroy my light, creativity and sense of understanding of the world. Now I understand I dealt with a sadistic narcissist. After only a couple of months being around him, the impact on me was huge. Get out as soon as possible, sending lots of love and wisdom ❤️

[@diamondedevil]

how is it w every video i watch i learn smthn new sam is quite genius

[@Give_Me_The_Night]

This is hitting home for me.😪 Very much needed, thankyou Sam.🙏

[@CarHound]

Brilliant video

[@anovember6848]

is it only the sadistic type that destroys his own opportunities? I used to think I was dealing with a passive aggressive, but now I believe it is something more sinister...

[@samvaknin]

All personality disorders are self-defeating and some are outright self-destructive.

[@maryc4463]

Wow....I have just realised the type of person my ex was! If you read this Sam, you talk about the narcissist who is sexually sadistic, how they usually have a low sex drive...mostly because they desire the gratification of denial etc. but what if they have a high sex drive and then on top of that they prefer for their partner to be unconcious? Like they get off more if they drug her and she's out cold? I'm sure it would have to be a power thing but could it be related to a hatred of women because of what happened to him as a child. Because he also was extremely degrading and almost hateful at times.

[@bonbon-fj4nr]

What type of psychological characteristics does the narcissist look for in their target because the 'average' person would not regard 'adoration or 'worship' as an indication of "purity" at all. Those are the qualities that the narcissist needs from others to feel some semblance of false security . Neither would the higher volume of messages be an indicator of deep feelings but of someone with obsessive tendencies and the 'average' person would run for the hills...?

[@samvaknin]

You may wish to actually listen to the video. Narcissists and Personality disordered Mates, Spouses, and Partners groups.google.com/forum/#!topic/NARCISSISTIC-PERSONALITY-DISORDER/Pc38oeund0I

[@rachelcronin916]

Mine is a quite bizarre one. Christmas 2020 I gave all my delivery drivers a money or food gift certificate. My best recall is they were left at my door with their company name on an envelope for them to take ie as a thank you for my mega deliveries always. I do not recall if I gave any personally physically to a company driver. I work out of the home doing emergency dispatch. I'd been getting a lot of 3-5am calls non emergency, just questions ie billing etc, from a male. Never thought a thing about it. Fast forward July 2021. I have to sign for two wine deliveries two days in a row. Being a day sleeper, I had to get up to do so. Day 1: driver looks at me and says my last name, so I spell it and my first, which he inputs as signature. Thought very nice of him to do, then takes the 2 boxes off the porch and puts inside the garage for me, all on his own! Wow-cool (I thought!). Drivers are always hustling, no time to stop for 2 seconds. Well, he paused, said thank you for the Christmas gift (floored me, I'd been up under 5 minutes and I had no idea what he was talking about), he then locked in a stare, cocked his head nearly up underneath mine (getting in my space), I'd been looking forward, tiny glance at him, face forward again but eyes stayed left fully breaking eye contact. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his face and shoulders drop a bit, his mouth opened-jaw dropped (it was a "like what the heck" reaction to me not staring back, not commenting or communicating). Then off to his truck back to work he goes. On the way to his truck I told him wine delivery #2 was the next day, he said he'd be sure to come back later on that day and to meet him at 430pm for a signature. I overslept and did not do so, he was leaving when I got to the door, but I was too late. (It was over 100 degrees and I did leave him water) I get a couple more calls on the business lines and recently at 5am a male calls on the line of my biggest account and answering his question he says, thank you Rachel. I go only by a badge number and never give out my name! But, I said, you are welcome and hung up. Only then did I realize it had to be this guy. I'm thinking dang I missed him. DUH :( Next, I was driving on a road I rarely drive on last week and I get an uncanny feeling, from a pretty good distance is a truck (there are many of this company driving around always-what are the chances!), well staring all the way was this guy who drove by me laughing, so I did the same back. (I now know that was not correct to do!). NOW for the clencher, my only miniscule physical interaction was on day #1 of wine delivery that I recall. I'd never SEEN this person before ever. Of course forcing his face into mine, omg he's gorgeous-who knew! But after so many vids of yours, I now am getting a handle on what each encounter means, so I think. I also want to say I believe his perhaps "monitor" drove him by my house one early morning and oddly enough I happen to be out front with the dogs. I thought it odd, we rarely have unknown vehicle traffic and it appeared as though the passenger was nearly curled up in a ball, head down, almost panic attack like, not sure but something was wrong. Day 1 he also said something to me (sadly cannot recall specifics), but that made me think he was there due to the fact that googling my name brings up a recent obituary and perhaps thinking I was an easy target, plus no way he could know or guess calling through the specific company that he did in order to reach me unless he was into my LinkedIn account which had during this time been checked anonymously, in which it hadn't had traffic in eons because I do not utilize it at all, but all my job information is on there etc. Unless those calls he was gathering voice information as well. But, it almost is an ominous feeling how long he could have been seeking my information, snapshot, contact, stopped contact, drive by laugh=devalue (?), and whatever else he might be having go on. Lord help me is what I am thinking. Whoa. Let me just say, what little information may be online, to these folks is a treasure trove! Scary.

[@mazzystar9488]

Fascinating. Thank you.

[@ariascarlet9149]

I’m about to start my first year of Psychology in uni so I’m really enjoying these videos. I notice that you tend to majorly talk about how male psychopaths, sadists and narcissists act… do the symptoms of these three mental conditions vary depending on gender?

[@bhaskar6205]

Where are you going to school if I may ask?

[@faithnomorr]

Thank you Sam. You are a prophet.

[@sarahnelson2566]

Rewatching as my nightly routine to sooth myself and detach from my narc nightmare.I am still trying to understand what does falling in love with an 'idealized version of yourself 'means.All the wonderful things he said to me in the lovebombing stage.Was it what I was lacking and hoping for.Or what he saw in me and wanted to amplify?

[@Ellie-bo9uh]

You will get there,it was Sam's explanation of what happened ,my understanding that finally made me stay away.

[@meyagain7475]

The show hasn't even started yet,, & he already said a mouthful

[@freerangeboogie7293]

Sam nails it! Check, check, check the boxes

[@empathicwarriorlissy3716]

Thank You I love your videos so informative

[@alanabowker1363]

Playfulness is power.

[@augustoj.s892]

Wow. Thank you for the knowledge.

[@b-rainwash410]

This really hit home

[@vickimartens8960]

I had transactional indenture with a man I believed to be sexual sadist narcissist and psychopath. Really confused because he showed all of the attributes of each of these personalities: he sought supply flirting with EVERY woman he charmingly met (sometimes even fondling them!) right in front of me; first two and a half months manipulated me into a endorphin sexual addiction to him, then withdrew sex 4 days before he cheated (essentially discarded!). I remained in a relationship for another year-and-a-half because of the addiction and the shared fantasy (service mother/occasional sex partner) which was the physical environment of his apartment. But yet he was also the mischievous psychopath: very impulsive, reckless and risk-taking. Originally thought he was goal-oriented because a text message suggested that he needed a partner that owned and could take care of a house (as he was ending his 30-year marriage wife accused him of being narcissistic!) 4 days later we went out on our first date with me a widow, with no family, who coincidentally owned a house. (Always said that he loved me was faithful to me and wanted to marry me). I believe his marriage lasted as long as it did because it was final exactly one month after his youngest child turned 18 --- thereby removing the threat of shared custody! I cannot understand how someone as sadistic and manipulative as him could be married for 30 years??? He is blind, his father is in prison and he is incestuous with his mother. HOW ???

[@jeniecemccoy7874]

It's really bad we can't all be decent human beings to each other. So many fucked up people. I was with a narcissist and I realized I had borderline traits and we were vampires to each other

[@silaswalker2266]

Hey Sam, great video. I’m interested in differentiating between someone with malignant narcissism vs. someone with psychopathy. Is narcissism always included in psychopathy? From my understanding a psychopath doesn’t emotionally bond and doesn’t require supply as they’re domain specific, whereas a malignant narcissist needs supply like a regular narcissist. But you’ve also mentioned a grandiose narcissist is a psychopath, whereas a covert narcissist is the real form of a narcissist because it’s compensatory.

[@samvaknin]

Some narcissists are also psychopaths and some psychopaths are also narcissists.

[@candacezydiak9593]

Does the narc always have a replacement (person) lined up before they finally discard and disappear?

[@go_off_Sis]

Thank you for your work 🙏🏽👍🏽🍀

[@priya_jha]

Dear Sam, That so much sound like my dismissive avoidant partner. Not everything but most of it. What are your thoughts about Dismissive avoidant people. Are they Narcissists too? There is so much confusion around about this. Please help me!

[@meyagain7475]

You're right