LOVE EXPERT Explains Why Is So Hard To FIND A PARTNER.. | Lori Gottlieb & Lewis Howes

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Lori Gottlieb is a renowned psychotherapist who writes the weekly “Dear Therapist” column in the Atlantic. And now, she’s out with a New York Times Best-Selling Book called Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, which weaves Lori’s experience doling out advice with her decision to seek counseling herself. This book is also being adapted as television series, so stay tuned for that!
In addition to her clinical practice, she writes The Atlantic’s weekly “Dear Therapist” advice column and contributes regularly to The New York Times and many other publications. Her recent TED Talk is one of the top 10 most-watched of the year.
As a member of the Advisory Council for Bring Change to Mind and advisor to the Aspen Institute, she is a sought-after expert in media such as The Today Show, Good Morning America, The CBS This Morning, CNN, and NPR’s “Fresh Air.” She is also the co-host of the new iHeart Radio podcast, “Dear Therapists,” produced by Katie Couric.
I’ve wanted to have Lori on this podcast for a long time now, and we had an amazing, wide-ranging discussion on how her decades of wisdom can translate to a better life. You’re not gonna want to miss this one!
Join me on Episode 1,013 to learn how to overcome shame, process negative pain, and maximize your mental health with Lori Gottlieb!
You can follow me at:
Website: lewishowes.com/
Facebook: / lewishowes
Twitter: / lewishowes
Instagram: / lewishowes
Tiktok: / lewis
Linkedin: / lewishowes

[@lyles253]

If you truly forgive a person it is amazing for your self but it doesn't mean you have to keep them in your life.

[@lewishowes]

so true

[@tiffanycrystalclear]

Bottom line is when you married is until the 3rd due you apart 😂 worst in the new millennium era .. good luck ppl getting married 👰

[@latenitetubing]

Forgiveness has nothing to do with trusting that person again.

[@justanothernick3984]

@@lewishowes One fundamental thing for your personal wellbeing is kindness. Kindness to others means kindness to our future self. The worst kind of life is when we can't forgive ourselves for past actions. So the worst punishment comes from our own conscience. You can own your reaction on how others treat you. If you can be a better person regardless of what has happened to you that sense of strenght is immeasurable. And to show and feel gratefulness in the present. I really liked this conversation. And I have listened to some others you have done too. Have a few more lined up and looking forward to them. Thanks for a great show!

[@deebond4745]

@ Kenneth..That is correct. I agree

[@kristine7304]

My husband and I have been together for 16 years and we often ask each other why we think our relationship has lasted while many of those around us have not. I still don't think there's one answer, there are probably several reasons, but one thing is that we talk openly about our challenges and we support each other in our weak moments. No one is strong all the time and if you claim to be, you're not being truthful to yourself. He has shown vulnerability many times over the years and not once have I shut him down and told him he needed to be stronger. Because of that he knows he can be open again if he felt the need. We're all human and need support from those we love.

[@JoseDiaz-rd9fh]

You obviously respect your man which IMHO is probably the biggest reason. Additionally over time you learn each other's strengths and weaknesses. You can either use this knowledge for good or evil and again you both chose to be supportive. Lastly you both guarded your hearts and minds from toxic ideology that would undermine your relationship.

[@Canadian_Eh_I]

You are both very lucky

[@marthisa5800]

What a wonderful interview, Lewis...She is gold, and so are you. Congratulations, i really enjoyed it!

[@annettesammut1611]

She is spot on I cannot see her name but she’s perfect I need her email please

[@buddhaneosiddhananda8499]

Focus on the message, not the messenger...🥳🥳

[@emshe7224]

Sometimes when I listen to A School of Greatness episode, I feel like I'm having a therapy session. This was great, thanks Lori and Lewis! :)

[@jenniferv.g.3090]

Unfortunately, when you are in relationships with people who have a disorder, putting yourself in their shoes is what we do on regular basis because we´ve been taught to be empathic and that´s exactly what keeps us stuck in these relationships. People should be taught empathy but also boundaries. Most people dont even know the real definition of baundaries, where they start and end. In the affair example, there are people who just do it because that gives them power and validation and don't care about the partner at all. Or in even worse cases, they do it to inflict pain . Its important to learn to differentiate.

[@koroglurustem1722]

Thank you Lewis for this great interview. Lori is my latest find and she has started helping me out already with her podcasts, interviews and her book. She is a true sweetheart, really. Her compassion, her mind, her humanity, her wisdom and her sweet language make her who she is. When she defined Wholeness as Greatness, she conquered the last bit in my heart. So full of wisdom. Thank you both of you again

[@latenitetubing]

"My whole life is about healing trauma" "Before diagnosing someone with depression make sure they aren't surrounded by assholes" ...we have more agency than we think.. "Childhood lense...compassionate truthbombs..faulty narratives" Wow. Thank you! This is so clear and hooked me right away. So empowering. Makes me feel less alone, isolated and ashamed by the intense pain. Struggling with feeling at a crossroad of guilt and fear, obligation, about feeling that lockdown with chaotic family members in 2nd wave is going to be toxic for me. Excellent. How can we serve others? Let them tell you.."tell me more"...amazingly simple refresher about these key social skills. Would love to hear a survival guide for navigating longstanding patterns of family dysfunction that is more nuanced than just going no contact. I care and want to know my family is safe throughout the pandemic but they have tried to use guilt to manipulate me to visit them and join the bubble. Feeling so uncertain about choosing who to bubble with in potential 2nd wave, trying to heal from the FOG of childhood emotional abuse. Scared about choosing people other than my family and then potentially not being able to see them if they become ill. How can I maintain my freedom, dignity, and show my family I care when they don't think I'm doing enough, but it is never enough for them due to their personalities and lack of boundaries. They say "no pressure" but don't mean it. It feels so bad. I feel so helpless.

[@MC-dz8be]

I only see two outcomes in this scenario. Take responsibility for your life and make the choice which makes most sense to you in the long run.

[@VigGleeson]

"Before diagnosing someone with depression make sure they aren't surrounded by assholes"

[@jamesdelozier652]

Is this you, Joe? This is marie.

[@ellenorchid01]

There is much wisdom here, a lot to learn that can be very helpful. Thank you, Lori and Lewis!

[@elfacun550]

What a beautiful conversation! You don't have idea how much this helps to people. Thanks!

[@mirelladlima5278]

Thanks Lewis for interviewing Lori. She really opened up so beautifully to such important personal issues and gave very valuable insights to me to overcome my own inner issues. 🙏

[@tawni8660]

I can absolutely relate to all of this. Y'all are the answer to my prayers. I am no longer a victim, nor will I be again... I'm a survivor, and through the turmoil I have learned that I have the power to change my myself... To be a better version of my self...so I can be a beacon of light to help others to find their way through the darkness. Thank you to God for all of you. Bless you all.

[@d.m.junior6194]

Just finished her book last night!!! I couldn't put it down!! IT'S A MUST READ!!!

[@lewishowes]

so good!

[@Tarolyn17]

Yes!! Loved it!!

[@VigGleeson]

Absolutely loved Lori Gottlieb's book too - couldn't put it down either.

[@koroglurustem1722]

Indeed. I have started reading from my phone last night and I read straight 30 mins even though it was 2.30 am and I was so sleepy already.

[@FlowingPrana]

Thank you for sharing! Putting it on my must read book list now. 💗

[@I.M.Javalos]

Mircale Question: "If you could have the kind of life that you want to have, what would that look like? And what is keeping you from having it? What is in the way right now? That you can do."

[@infolater91]

O

[@richardniven]

Answer: Having a wife that looks great in a bikini, cooks like Nigella and appreciates all the good things we both bring to the relationship rather than focusing on what I'm not currently bringing to the relationship - why can't I have this now? Does this even exist?

[@viktoria843]

Husband and kids-instead I have lonlines:-(

[@keithlawless930]

Thank you so much for doing this interview 🙏 really quite eye opening on a number of topics : grief v guilt, forgiveness and apology. I immediately downloaded her book on audible. Thank you Lori for sharing your thoughts, wisdom, and insights. Success = being whole. You give me great hope and encouragement that if I work on myself I can improve my relationships.

[@basiaramona68]

Thank you Lewis for all those conversations they are soooo helpful, I love especially those about relationships.

[@thezanarose]

It’s controlling to expect other people to change. 😬 We can only transform ourselves. People are either proactive or reactive in life. Reactive people are unhealed and insecure people. But it’s possible for people to overcome trauma but it requires work. Unhealed people are unable to move forward. So many depressed people are interested in the blame game and taking little responsibility for bettering their mental health to cope with other people and healing. I overcame suicidal depression when I learned to ACCEPT that there are awful humans in this world and I have to BE THE CHANGE I want to see in others. I also realised to rely on NO ONE to meet my needs. A lot of people don’t even know what their needs are and are expecting others to meet their needs. It’s vital we meet our own needs first before expecting anyone else to meet them.

[@zohaibahmad605]

Hey guys, you are doing something really very needed. More power to you and your cause.💖💖💖💖

[@dgovekar1]

Thanks so much for this session!! very eye-opening!! make you want to self-reflect!

[@jahnavisharma6562]

YES! Thank you for having her ❤️ love her work!

[@oiseau_libre]

Thank you, Lewis, so much! That was ...perfection! She's very knowledgeable and conveys the message so clearly. And You ask excellent questions!! Really spot on, and helful! Thank you very much again! I'll make sure to share this with all who I know needs it! (esp. men:))

[@leenbee17]

She shared a lot of nuggets of wisdom. Self-love is so important. Sometimes, though, the cheater in a marriage cheats because they have unhealed trauma. It's very painful to say to the hurt partner that they did something which made it easier for the cheater to cheat. It's good to work out how to be a better partner in the future, but it hurts to be told that you helped the cheater cheat.

[@MichaelBrann-os7zm]

So true....I'm heal and find love again

[@deebond4745]

This lady is speaking to me right now as I am dealing with my grief and doing my work which is cool. It's like she's reflecting what's happening. I 100% agree with what she says about feelings as well and the saying “how can I help you right now” agree with a lot of other stuff she's saying! Awesome! 🙏🌻 @ lewis, I love that you are open and you share and are honest and always show u wanna grow, learn be better. I love that. 🌻

[@sherry8607]

Such a good interview and cannot wait to get the book. I would love to have had a therapist such as yourself “ I like how you called yourself an editor, helping them rewrite the story”.

[@jerrym3261]

It's all learned, evidence based knowledge. Is she smarter than the people that figure out everything on their own without any science and without research on their own? Yes! Unfortunately, most people won't find her message entertaining so they'll go with the people that are usually talking. It's not hard to figure out the intelligent people. It helps a lot if you can stop listening to the bad psychology. It's like improving your food diet. As long as you're eating junk, you're not going to eat the healthy food.

[@suerospert5131]

Absolutely a great interview!

[@Tearsofasilentheart]

Such a lovely interview... You have given me such great information on where i go wrong. 😊

[@zarafshan6058]

Very insightful interview! Thank you so much for all the hard work 💐💝

[@colinmorris3587]

Such clarity and actionable very cool

[@dlight2669]

Wow this lady is so on point

[@plinda7120]

This was useful and fruitful topics

[@danielh2869]

3 truths question & answer are both amazing

[@alissamarrone4141]

I wish I had a therapist like her 😞 I really enjoyed watching this and surprisingly discovered things I need to really ask myself.

[@buddhaneosiddhananda8499]

Only the spiritual life has the answers... develop your mind...read widely... meditate...serve mankind... become truly great...

[@victoriat.87]

It’s one of my favorite ....episodes. Sometimes sharing is good but what happens when you’re not better after sharing....what are expectations of sharing ....

[@JoyAnnFlorette]

One of the best interviews I have ever heard! Thank You!!! 😊💕🌈🥰

[@lewishowes]

Thanks JoyAnn! I appreciate you for listening. 😊

[@bargainhuntmom]

This conversation was so good. I don’t agree with everything but honestly just hearing this did something in my brain and thought pattern. As the conversation started I realized I recently heard the guest speaker of DOAC. So hearing the same things again has been so good 👌🏽 I especially loved the questions you asked Lewis

[@wendyberger8892]

Excellent interview and psychotherapist.

[@hazelm.8822]

Ahhhh! I love her! Her book is amazing!

[@tamartamunanemsadze7750]

Very Interesting interview.

[@evelyncarrera6352]

Thank You🙏🏼. What an amazing talk🙏🏼🙌🏼

[@Denis92923]

A beautiful analogy with the dance.

[@elizabethschilling7178]

This is so good!! Thank you so much for this.

[@dr.hectormdfacs3464]

I agree! we all needed to hear this. Would be nice to correspond with you and look forward to hearing from you.

[@sophiakh9590]

I wish I could go back in time, kidnap myself as a baby and raise myself

[@ilana3122]

i often think this too, and then my therapist told me that's what we get to do know as adults; raise ourselves :)

[@sophiakh9590]

@@ilana3122 that's one way to see it. ❤️

[@fitnessprofessionals7053]

@@ilana3122 l

[@fitnessprofessionals7053]

@@ilana3122 ⁰

[@marythompson7874]

Most of us wish that!

[@pannasnk]

Awesome advices ❤ Thank you guys 🤗

[@mylittlesecret4391]

Thank you for this ❤❤❤ Wishing the best to Both!

[@plantlove5257]

Great listen💯

[@selfhelpchampion9664]

Thanks Lewis, perfect walking companion for this evening. Agreeing with people to avoid conflict is idiot compassion.❤️🙏selfhelpchampion

[@melissawatson9662]

Lori is so amazing! Lovely kind smart. Thanks. And Lewis is great 👍🏻

[@ro2853]

Excellent interview

[@irenejag6717]

Gosh I loved every word. As a new therapist! I value this very very much. Thank you both👏!

[@lewishowes]

You're welcome,thank you for being here 💜

[@panda59043]

Lewis is doing a good job with his interviews! I see his improvement.

[@nikkizafary6655]

This interview was amazing!

[@lewishowes]

Appreciate you! 🙏

[@awakeninganna]

Beautiful thank you for sharing ❤️❤️❤️

[@lewishowes]

You are welcome and thanks for watching!

[@omnificent15]

My appreciation💕 Forgiveness is always focussed upon what you think went wrong and you can't do that unless you still think it.

[@shulibitton2045]

What an amazing interview! I think the woman who came to Lori and couldn't be helped (she couldn't change or see her need to change) is a classic narcissist and the reason she came every week is that she needed someone to dog down on or to abuse in order for her to feel better. She wasn't really interested in therapy but rather wanting to feel right. There are so many pearls of wisdom in this interview! Thank you so much!

[@Rsaai69]

I don’t have one healthy relationship in my life. I’m focusing on the ones that matter. This was helpful for us so thank you 🙏 I

[@stevencudnoch2092]

I felt that 16:27 "Ou" moment Lewis.. and that anxious pencil tap lol "We marry our unfinished business." That hit home, I'm not sure if I have unfinished business. But I guess I'll find out and comment back in 5 years.

[@JamjamVlogs]

This was super helpful 💜

[@lewishowes]

So happy to hear we have supported you!

[@Metalbeast656]

I felt relieved after seeing that video. Man so many emotions i repress, thats not cool

[@TheSarita8]

Resonates for me and all my clients 💗 thank you for this one Lewis 💗

[@lewishowes]

Incredible! So glad to hear it. Thanks for watching. ❤️

[@deantopping156]

Your getting smarter Lewis...keep doing your homework....great interview!!

[@rebeccacampbell9627]

Live your truth

[@dr.hectormdfacs3464]

Yes. Would you be interested in further communication? nice to meet you here.

[@dawncarrasco8320]

She seems really accurate.

[@Jay-ef2ii]

It is all about one working on himself, and about being around positive people.

[@mayapunjabi4250]

Lewis, this is the most phenomenal interview I have heard. Your questions were so profound and powerful. They clearly show that you’ve done deep work down to the core. Thank you both for showing up day in and day out.

[@PEPPERANDNUTMEG]

Forgiveness is key. Forgetting is not possible as it is what it is. We are all imperfect creatures and we all make mistakes and don't say what we should when we should, we have to learn to forgive others and ourselves.

[@piapin6590]

Hi this is true to the point in the fact about being surrounded by a holes n I just got rid of a pack of toxic friends

[@itsmylife8164]

Have to grab a pen and paper and write a letter to my unfinished business (trauma) And yes, I still believe my parents owe me something.. I'm still a little girl having tantrums about past experiences or what my mind made up It would be super cool to have Doctor Joe and this amazing woman together ❤ You rock, Lewis Therapy at non cost 💜😉

[@kylieann9254]

I loved this! Just shared it with others to help them too. Soooo incredible!!!

[@androidsclice]

this one really hit home

[@toristoddard3831]

Great therapist 👍👌♥️

[@MrNicong]

Interviewer extraordinaire!

[@samjasuja1493]

I like what you are saying. It has happened to me.

[@TheLizzy39]

So true been in 3 relationships and never found the love I was searching for and yes I came for a home that I was the black sheep I would so love to feel loved and even love myself would be a start , great interview very on point .

[@dr.hectormdfacs3464]

Every new day is a new chance to live our dreams and create the life we want🌻

[@ismarhajro349]

Great one Lewis. Thanks to Lori too. Best regards ;)

[@lewishowes]

👍

[@imhenotic]

The part of mans vulnerability and our troubles to open, and the desire of women to the middle position about it reminded me of the Friends chapter between Rachel and The character played by Bruce Willis, that illustrates that soooo well

[@beingintrinsic]

Amazing episode! I DO know the solution to how couples can speak safely into their innermost vulnerabilities to eradicate double standards. I teach on it. I am a woman who does feel safe when men open up. I have been facilitating this for decades but privately. Now as I am approaching going public it looks like I am starting out, it feels like a mountain to translate the content and build up the online presence. I'm working on it!

[@1athlette]

Powerful

[@englishwithsanjuktadas]

Thank you so much!

[@mariferoxas3773]

Sanjukta Das I can recommend you to a powerful healer, restorer of relationships who helped me got my lost relationship back permanently. He can also help you and put a smile on your face

[@mariferoxas3773]

Contact him on WhatApp

[@mariferoxas3773]

+1,478,241,0387

[@Kiwiwanderer]

She’s good

[@kellymills8779]

Good show! 👍

[@mariferoxas3773]

Kelly Mills I know of a powerful healer, restorer of relationships who helped me got my ex back permanently. He can also help you and put a smile on your face

[@mariferoxas3773]

Contact him on WhatApp

[@mariferoxas3773]

+1,478,241,0387

[@jamesrussell3963]

Gotta Goggle this babe!

[@Fromaddicttoentrepreneur]

I loved this interview. Once thing I noticed her saying towards the end is how often she switches careers. I have been doing the same thing ever since I began working at age 17. It's difficult to stay at one job for more than a year or two. I get bored, complacent, and feel like I always need and love change. Otherwise, I am just searching for my true calling in life. Or maybe I am just skilled in many areas; a Jack of all trades.

[@Alphacentauri819]

Look into fearful avoidant attachment style... the Personal Development School KZbin channel has some good info on it. The need for novelty can be linked to some of the core wounds, subconscious programming that happens for fearful avoidants . Good luck! -a healing fearful avoidant :)

[@Fromaddicttoentrepreneur]

Thanks so much! @B the Change I will definitely look into this.

[@barbaraschultz1442]

Yes Louis, What if the person did try to hurt them, ... if the story isn’t rewritten, it’s relived! Not all therapists are alike or helpful. There are different specialities like ones that specialize in family systems therapy.

[@PEPPERANDNUTMEG]

I can relate to the "Groundhog Day" comment.

[@jerrym3261]

So she's saying, I have research that says what I'm saying is true, it's not just what I think. It's pretty much the opposite of what many advising people are saying. She does package it well and she's quick with listening and applying the most helpful ways of seeing things but, it all has decades of research and study supporting it. "idiot compassion" is golden. Idiot compassion is when you are drawn to an article like, 10 signs your heading for divorce. The article tells you your partner is the problem.

[@kshamadatar4662]

Loved it, thank you both!

[@annetteking5681]

We marry our unfinished business. That spoke gold to me! So how do we finish the business?

[@Alphacentauri819]

There are things I’ve never told anyone, and I’m a woman. Just told my therapist a couple things...and it’s my 6th therapist. The first one I actually trust. The other ones were not safe to open up to, poor empathy. I scan out a situation for a while to determine if someone is safe. While I’ve shared some personal things, my closest friend only knows me a fraction. At a party, I look like an extrovert, but I’m really just a skilled introvert. Sure, I’ve cried in front of other people, but it’s terribly uncomfortable and I’m more worried about their discomfort soon. So, we aren’t all the same.

[@tpulling83]

You can never see your own psych records but a court can. Think about that before you go to find a job or get a divorce. Never hire a psych

[@MariadelMarBoscana]

I just viewed the epidosode and I am glad to learn about her. Thanks.

[@cavelleardiel]

Attachment styles are significant to understand and then work through your trauma. Lewis if you could interview Thais Gibson of Personal Development School that would be awesome!

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Cavelle Ardiel,your pretty smile ☺️ can make the news 😊😊🤙

[@cavelleardiel]

@@oscarwilliamson1264 You just made my day!! Thank you.

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

@@cavelleardiel you are welcome my dearest 🌹🌷🌷🌺🌹🌹.I'm Oscar Williamson from the States ❤️.You?

[@jmgmetal]

Are you talking bout anxious attachment, avoidant dismissive, etc..? I’ve never heard of Thais Gibson but if that’s what it’s about count me in..very interesting topic.

[@cavelleardiel]

@@jmgmetal Yes, it is. She has such a wise selection of videos that are about 10 to 20 minutes each. And if you want to delve in deeper she has the courses you can take as well

[@nataliavargas3891]

Wonderful interview. This helped me understand myself. I connect more to my masculine side. You said why can’t woman handle when men break down in front of us is because we cannot handle our own big feelings and until we’re able to face our own feelings without being co-dependent thank and maybe than can we be vulnerable to our own emotions as well as our friends partner and significant other.

[@lewishowes]

👍

[@cathyandresiak1975]

Could I make an appointment with this therapist. She is smart!!

[@Carmentosca]

Thank you Lewis for your amazing content... Always resonates 🤗

[@Carmentosca]

48:20 I wrote a piece exactly about this, titled "Why I don't believe in forgiveness ". So good to hear her confirmation on what I tried to convey!

[@SoumiSenguptaBDS]

Its funny how Lewis takes notes on a Podcast he owns......LOL..good job Lewis ..good interview!

[@saycog1084]

When I was 5 there was this girl in my class that would pinch me all the time and I never forgot her or the teacher that would take her side. I’ve always thought the teacher was elitist because the girl was pretty and rich. The other day I had this sudden memory that that girl had lost her mother as a child and the father married again and had two kids. In That moment I felt compassion for her and understood the position of the teacher for protecting a kid that had lost a parent. That story created so many ramifications in my life. I’ve always associated beauty, social status with deserving more love. I’m 51 ...only now I was able to review that story with compassion...including compassion towards myself, for being so young and not knowing what was really happening to all people involved.

[@galaxylucia1898]

That’s true about having compassion for the little girl who was dealing with an incredible loss, but as you said, you were also young and did not deserve to be mistreated by the little girl. Compassion is one thing, but when we let hurt ppl hurt OTHER ppl and say, “oh but it’s so tough for them”, that still doesn’t justify the damage they do to other people. The really compassionate thing would have been to correct the girl, apologize to you, and helped the two of you become good friends (if you really wanted it). Because if you grew up on the false belief that beautiful ppl get treated better, what do you think her takeaway was later in life??

[@saycog1084]

@@galaxylucia1898 that’s a good point, but the adults in charge at the time didn’t act accordingly.neither the teacher or my parents. Every time I complained at home they’d say go ahead and do the same to her. All I have now is the memory of it, and scars I’m now able to deal with. Thanks for your compassion.

[@galaxylucia1898]

@@saycog1084 I'm glad you're able to deal with it now. I know it doesn't change things, but hey, as long as we're alive we can learn how to cope as we get older. Hope you're well.

[@samjasuja1493]

This pain has changed both of us.

[@mariaboonen8116]

#YOU ARE ONLY STUCK WHEN YOU DON'T TAKE YOUR ACTION. NAMASTE SHE IS THE BEST FEMALE DR.. . THANK YOU. .

[@seho1363]

I love psychology, great interview.

[@androidsclice]

@51 i think she describes the plight of an empath, they're (we are) no different than a narc, one makes the sacrifice, the other makes a business decision, but for the same reasons

[@cg2896]

It's interesting to here how we can all benefit from not being in a box, it's ok for men to be vulnerable because they are human like us, like women and they hurt and have insecurities just like we do.

[@VigGleeson]

Pain competition - yep!