Love Is Blind S3 #37 - (Zanab Interview #4) - Therapist Reacts

[@ayannascott523]

The most frustrating part about her is the lack of accountability and self awareness. She should’ve learned that in therapy. Cole in his interview was remorseful and said he didn’t remember that moment but she did because it was important to her. He acknowledged his wrongs validated her feelings and explains his position. That’s what she needs to do too. But in her mind she was perfect.

[@everythingshareable]

Extremely full of herself! Absolutely nothing she did is wrong. And didn’t she and her friends bully Cole during the reunion and now she says “she doesn’t do bullying”, the hypocrisy ..

[@lamarehe]

She’s always defensive. It feels like she’s always reaching to prove her action due to all the backlash. But her lack of acknowledging her wrongs is where she gets more hate 😂.

[@ckwanita907]

I'm hoping that they're not at that stage yet in therapy. Like maybe she is now learning to love herself so she can eventually face her demons without feeling even more insecure.

[@eh1126]

Exactly! Especially the way she talks about her haters with such hostility and that “better than thou” attitude. Even Amber heard was able to fake sympathy when she referred to the “randos” supporting Johnny lol Zanab has zero accountability and it shows.

[@jclyntoledo]

I wish ppl would just say responsibility instead of accountability. I have no idea when the word accountability got to somehow replace responsibility and it makes it a bit confusing when ppl mention it. You can't force ppl to accept their actions and any consequences from it, that's on them and that would be them taking responsibility for it. Like unless you're in the legal system and someone committed a crime you can't force someone to take responsibility for anything so using the word accountable just feels weird.

[@aliye1392]

I like a quote that says " half of the truth is the biggest lie" she says that she said things that happened and ignoring the fact she removed the context all over which makes it honestly a well planned lie instead of just bad misunderstanding

[@stacy6946]

I don’t wish any hate on any of these people. I just think it is fascinating that she is annoyed with internet bullies, but she has been (and continues to) incite bullies towards Cole. Her allegations are extremely serious: he’s a racist, fatphobic, psychotic abuser that was controlling her eating. If not for Netflix, his life could have been destroyed with that assassination of character, and she refuses to take accountability. And he talks about the emotional toll he had from how much she beat him down. We call it passive aggressive, but it’s just hostile with a soft voice. She’s gorgeous so I think she will get away with hurting a lot of people with her unwillingness to self reflect on how she treats others. Maybe only romantic partners-not sure how she manages her other relationships as she seemed like a great friend on air.

[@feelingscheck405]

This!!!

[@poponachtschnecke]

I really have a problem with her false generosity. Multiple times in the reunion, and this interview, she brings up things that Cole did as being bad or hurtful or problematic, and then says that they didn't offend her. Like...what? How do you use that tone, and reference these things as if they are terrible crimes of character, and then say that it didn't bother you? I just don't get it, and it makes me feel like she's lying to get social credit for being strong in difficult situations.

[@AlwaysAnna77]

Yes, exactly. It feels strange and doesn't match up. I think she's maybe just trying to do what she thinks makes her look best to the people watching

[@LizNeptune]

Gracious Zanab!

[@jolieluc]

Yes! She throws MAJOR shade then backs up from it. For example, she said two or three times "my people, my people" in quotation marks. Then when the interviewer says "why, did that offend you" she says "oh no". SO WHICH ONE IS IT?! It either offended you so own it or it didn't offend you so don't bring it up or you think he's ignorant SO JUST SAY THAT! It's quite childish and a very poor way of communicating. Always so hostile and defensive.

[@poponachtschnecke]

@@jolieluc yeah, I just hear a nasty two-facedness in that. Essentially, 'oh my god, look what I have to put up with! But I'm so sweet and understanding, I don't mind'

[@emilyrider4003]

I wonder if this stems from when she lost her parents. Always feeling like she had to act like she was ok. Pushing down her pain and just 'its fine. Im fine. Whatever' I know Im guilty of doing this. Whether its because I dont want to talk about it or because I think people dont actually care about the true answer just waving things off as 'im fine'

[@cemirla6039]

Saying that Cole was lying is a big stretch. He was absolutely right in saying that never happened because it didnt. Zanabs whole story was basically about how he was not only controlling her eating but intentionally trying to make her eat less! Her story was literally that she had not properly eaten all day making it seem as if Cole knew that so that he seems even more harmful. He offered her a proper breakfast and she declined, important info she conveniently left out. She said she hadnt properly eaten that day and he was in shock questioning WHY she didnt eat properly, again important information she left out! He was trying to find out why she wasnt eating and she tells him that she probably should not tell him why. AGAIN important information she left out. You cant pick and chose which part of the story you tell and then insist that everything you said happened or that the person telling people that thats not true is lying. If i said "Ariel is a story about a human marrying a prince" and someone said "yeah thats not what happened" is that person lying? NO they are not because i missed the part where i mention she was a mermaid TURNED into a human, which again is important info because it changes the plot completely.

[@ginabonina6427]

And she told everyone she knew the story thru her distorted lens.

[@maarleyjedermann3174]

He didn't even said "that didn't happen", he said "I never cared about what you eat".

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

@@maarleyjedermann3174 Thank you, I don't care enough to look back and watch but I don't remember him saying "I never said that" I think he kept saying "are you serious?" I mean if we're talking about repeating things verbatim then that should also be there

[@4ledki]

I think Dr. kirk has so many hypotheses and interpretations that he gets lost in them, which is why I am not a fan of his behavioral analysis. It is so obvious that Zanab is insecure, but he never highlights it. Instead, he says, "It's possible that Cole could have body shamed behind the scene or it's possible what she said its true...who knows." He focuses too much on what might have happened behind the scenes, which has no data. That's annoying.

[@juliaheck655]

@@4ledki i’m not either I just watched his whole video and I disagree with so many other stuff he said… Don’t let TikTok get a hold of this KZbin video they would cancel the fuck out of him

[@Stormy575]

If Zanab spoke about this the way Dr. Kirk thought she should, probably 90% of the hate would go away. The biggest problem here is that she shows no empathy or self-awareness. Every time she speaks she doubles down and defends her behavior yet again. If she could just admit that everyone isn't totally wrong about her and that she didn't handle things perfectly, I would have more sympathy and respect for her. But every time I hear her talk about it it's maddening the way she takes zero responsibility! And agreed, if she did talk like that, with some humility, it would bode much better for her future in relationships.

[@SA-vq5fz]

Generic Question: how do you provide therapy to someone that relays a situation very well from their own perspective without acknowledgement of another perspective? How do you know as the Health provider if they are providing the correct information to provide treatment?

[@hollyblair5778]

She just did it again..... She makes a point to sarcastically point out, that he said my "people", and then is like "oh no I have no issue with it!" ......Why did you bring it up with air quotes then? She's exhausting.

[@poponachtschnecke]

It feels like actual gaslighting.

[@TracyW1965]

@@poponachtschnecke gaslighting in real time. She's quite masterful.

[@jclyntoledo]

Oh yeah I didn't catch that, I thought she meant she wasn't offended with the interviewer. Now I see you're right he was asking about what cole said with the "your ppl" thing so now I'm kinda confused as to why she mentioned it too 🤔😆😆.

[@raimeepigsley5140]

I don’t think he even said “your people.” I can’t go rewatch it because I have to pay for Netflix first. But what I remember he said, “when we visit your family” and she said “well there all over the place” and acted disgusted by the suggestion. Then she said “they are all over the place in England so I’m not sure that would actually work” And he said “we’ll just an idea” obviously not verbatim what they said but that’s the gist of what was said. I really really don’t remember him ever saying “your people.”

[@snbe1508]

🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

[@yungheather8381]

Whoever the editor is I appreciate you putting in throwback photos of Dr. Kirk as a kid or his grandparents. It adds a nice personal and endearing touch to the video.

[@jolieluc]

i think it's his wife!

[@soyandoat4106]

never stop yammering Dr. H, i learn so much about your related experience, your thought process!

[@chloebooher]

DrHonda, I really appreciate you calling for your viewers to tamp down or not participate in online comments. The conversations I've seen online surrounding Love Is Blind contestants have been very disturbing. I think a lot of people forget that these are real people that will read these comments and have feelings. You are setting a great example and reminding us that these situations are nuanced and these contestants are humans. I hope everyone who watches Love Is Blind also watches your channel.

[@jamietigges2154]

Zanab won't respond to hate with hate, but she will respond to hate with passive aggressive comments trying to direct hate to Cole. >.>

[@everythingshareable]

Exactly! The people that enable her, doctor Kirk being one of them, will say that your comment here is a hate comment. She is always going to be the “graceful victim” no matter what.

[@poponachtschnecke]

💀

[@saltandpepperandmint]

bingo!

[@smartmarketing173]

Graceful?😂She’s giving openly hostile. But, do go on, Zenab lol

[@ashleyw.6702]

@@everythingshareable Zanab says she's been through a lot of therapy. And, surprise surprise... she speaks in a way that this therapist seems to love!! 😂Doctor Kirk has really given her the benefit of the doubt... but hasn't done the same for Cole. Very odd. 🤔 Zanab's words were cruel and unkind (and continue to be). She says she doesn't "do bullying"... while having bullied Cole. It's all very odd. She may not be bipolar. But, it does seem she definitely has mental health problem(s).

[@AnimalsDressedasHumans]

Cole never denied the cuties scene happened. Not on camera anyway. He denied the bachelor party accusation, and denied caring about what she ate. So, now she is lying.

[@DodoToutDoux]

THIS. She distorts everything which makes her lie. It’s awful.

[@nicoler5511]

I don’t think anyone is lying but it definitely seems she is distorting

[@AnimalsDressedasHumans]

@@nicoler5511 fair enough. I’m getting Trump vibes. “It was a perfect call” = “I described the cuties scene verbatim.”

[@nicoler5511]

@@AnimalsDressedasHumans hahahahah ok yeah

[@Asdfghjkl-ee3zw]

@@nicoler5511 I agree that most of the time she is distorting and not lying, but in this specific instance she is misremembering / lying about what happened because she is saying something that factually did not happen: Cole did not saying during the reunion that the cuties scene did not happen. He said that he never body shamed her which is a separate issue. Therefore, her saying that he did during this interview is a lie.

[@maarleyjedermann3174]

Another friendly correction: Zanab DID lie when she said she didn't have a chance to eat that day and that's why she only had a banana and peanut butter. Cole had offered her the Poke Bowl on that day, so she absolutely did have a chance to eat, but she CHOSE not to.

[@LaurenJacksonlocs29]

I really respect his perspective on the fact that people deep down are wired to be around others. And this is coming from a tried and true introvert. Working on loving oneself is important, but once you’re around others, you’re back to square one if you don’t practice being around others who, hopefully, care and accept you. Because its hard to trust others when your family or early life may have scarred your sense of self or how others may perceive you. It’s okay to need others, and it’s okay that it may take time to build esteem around others ❤

[@phillipinek1856]

I have a theory on the confusion of how Zay might be perceiving/talking about Cole. I feel like it might be possible that Zanab subconsciously feels there might be some distance between her truth and what actually happened but just can’t seem to put it together. For example she keeps saying Cole is a good guy, but at the same time she’ll state all these bad things he did to her. It doesn’t then make sense to say he’s a good guy. But maybe she can tell that he didn’t always mean to hurt her, maybe she knows that the picture she is creating of him isn’t really accurate. But because she so strongly feels hurt by him and she’s not aware of her distortion it can only mean then that he really did do things to hurt her. But somehow these 2 realities don’t really mesh well. She feels like he hurt her but at the same time she knows he’s a good person. It makes zero sense because she might not be able to put it together herself and the distortion is the missing key in the puzzle to understanding this confusing situation.

[@jclyntoledo]

Yes! I agree with this.

[@assumptai264]

You explained it perfectly!

[@mishylove]

I think your description nails it. Zanab has some serious healing and therapy to do to heal that distortion. That is coming from someone who dealt with distortion for a number of years. It was horribly debilitating and took a toll on my life and relationships. It's so much worse than being "sensitive" it is taking simple things and someone may see or do and feeling deep shame and being attacked when that wasn't even the intention or the tone.

[@danim6246]

Side Note.. the "My People" thing is something both myself and my partner use to describe our friends and family etc. Seems pretty benign 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@ShibaSeshi]

Same same!

[@hecate9190]

Edit: I realise this comment section is filled with Cole lovers and Zanab cyber bullies. Was wrong to try to speak on here. Too draining. Peace ✌🏽

[@cemirla6039]

It is soo common "when do i get to meet your people", "what are your people like" it is used so often and has always meant a persons family! Really gotta walk on egg shells with this one.

[@cemirla6039]

@@hecate9190 🙄

[@jasminmunoz6495]

Def never heard someone referring to my family/friends as “your people”- just not my experience But would have appreciated it if she is gonna interrupt the interview with a implying the remark to be racist, Then go ahead and explain more instead of just dropping it and moving on. Just felt off- would’ve appreciated her take as a woman of color

[@fionagordon5875]

I think we disagree on what was said “verbatim”. He didn’t body shame her, he was concerned she had only eaten such a small amount and even mentioned he’d offered her a poke bowl. Yes he reminded her to keep an appetite, but that was for a huge dinner later. She may have shared verbatim her comments, but not his.

[@donato286]

Actually, she did share verbatim his and her comments from the beginning of the cuties scene. The problem is she got triggered by that very first Cole's question and she was done with everything Cole said after. That's probably why she only cites the first 2-3 exchanged sentences. He wasn't intent on body shaming her, but she took it that way, and I personally can't judge her for it. His choice of words has been very questionable in that it introduces ambiguous subtext that leaves room for interpretation. My question to him would be: - how come he thought it was relevant to bring up a portion of _two small oranges_ being consumed _around lunchtime_ in the context of _saving appetite for dinner_ ? This question still stands to this day unanswered. Zanab's "mistake" is that she answered this question by surmising that Cole's reasons were to control her eating and by extension body shame her.

[@jclyntoledo]

@@donato286 100% she does not ask direct questions. On the show it was almost always a hidden msg or question so when Cole answered it directly he would end up hurting her. But I will say with the rate me q he did try to say that he just wanted to be with her bc now he has an emotional bond with her its not just physical. He said him and Colleen would have nothing to talk about since there was no actual bond. So even when he tried to reassure her he only wanted to be with her she didn't listen to it.

[@lucamazzi2754]

@@donato286 so 4:46 has become after lunch now and really all inexcusable when someone lies and distorts and assaults

[@donato286]

@Luca Mazzi I'm not sure I follow. What do you mean 4:46 has become after lunch now? Also, I'm not sure you can say she was lying or assaulting. Distorting yes, but lying and assaulting, not really. Ultimately, they _both_ need to work on things and that's a fact. Anyone who thinks only one side is at fault here is distorting themselves.

[@lucamazzi2754]

@@donato286 the whole cuties scene, in the recovery the time appeared directly on the oven and said 4:46. on this too she lied, distorts, lies and manipulates

[@tsp9535]

Dr Kirk looks like the type of person who knows the difference between a tortoise, a terrapin and a turtle. This pleases me.

[@cantacarallada]

I decided to google-translate your comment and I find it satisfying to think that Kirk knows, even when google translate doesn't 😅.

[@darter81]

You should email this to him because I bet he’d read it on the Sunday comments episode.

[@DodoToutDoux]

She may have not lied when she describe the story, but her intentions clearly was to shame Cole. It’s funny how someone like her thinks it’s not ok to twist words and shame people, yet she is a professional at it! She always on Cole’s case, nagging him for everything… That girl takes absolutely no accountability. Also, she is always self-sabotaging herself. For example, she kept asking Cole if he was attracted to another cast member, and was frustrated with the answer. Her confidence issues are deeply rooted, and her therapy has not helped so far from what I see in this interview. Cole definitely dodged a bullet.

[@michelegindt7926]

The irony of Zanab and her rant on internet bullies....like girl what do you call what you've been doing to Cole for the past month?! Or what you did to him on the alter and at the reunion?! The total lack of self awareness just baffles me.

[@bobococo89]

Exactly

[@imtinayang]

aww just noticed the little tree behind you dr. kirk! I love it!

[@KaitAC]

Zenab may have more data than we do, but it's irresponsibly sourced and interpreted data. I'm glad she's in therapy, I just hope it's helping more than it comes across in this interview.

[@mbar7989]

my husband gave me great insight when we were first dating… he said he couldn’t read my mind. if i dont tell him exactly how i felt he wouldnt know. i think she expected him to KNOW her feelings and he just didnt get it.

[@k8chillx]

I figured that out 3 years in with my ex and concluded men are dumb and just say what you want to say lol

[@mignondejager7286]

She also seems to have a very romantasized view of how things should be, like how she said how Cole should have acted after their first day together. She wanted Cole to be a specific way and was just really disappointed with reality unfortunately. But also not providing any proper communication. On top of being really image focused. Like she was worried about how to look for this interview.

[@mbar7989]

@@k8chillx hahah true .. in my case my hubby was incredibly smart and loving but just wasnt raised in a family that was known for their feelings lol. and myself being very empathic always thinking abt others feelings just assumed that he would just understand. lets just say it realy helped our relationship being honest abt how i feel instead of being passive aggressive or saying “im fine” when clearly i wasnt.

[@mbar7989]

@@mignondejager7286 lets just say it. they were a terrible match! this show really highlights the complexity of love and the human condition. Mixed in with getting famous/infamous. if love was just as easy as two people wanting it .. wouldnt everyone be married?🤷🏻‍♀️ i wish them both the best in their futures lol

[@tulip5210]

@@k8chillx LOL

[@saral2442]

Dr Kirk - I always find your modeling of alternative ways to respond to questions or situations to be so extremely helpful! Thank you!!

[@solveig964]

Just wanted to say your wife is GORGEOUS! And the way you speak about her she sounds absolutely delightful!

[@samirasingh3193]

Through every train wreck of a relationship I had before my current and only long term partner , I’d ask my friends is it me? Did I mess this up and they would always say no omg ur amazing this guy is a horrible person he isn’t even on ur level blah blah until after years of train wrecks one day I just got mad and said every guy can’t be horrible if I keep picking abusive cheaters that’s gotta be on me somehow nobody has this bad of luck , and then I found ur channel and I’m like 98% sure I have preoccupied or disorganized attachment , and for sure parentified and most likely an over functioner😂 so yeah not to excuse abuse but I was choosing abusers , not on purpose but it was me

[@poponachtschnecke]

❤️ omg, same!

[@ohisee9173]

That's so awesome that you were able to realize that. A difficult thing to come to terms with is that while abuse is not your fault, you have some power to minimize the risk of it happening. We often don't want to say this out loud because it sounds like victim-blaming, and people who try often word it poorly so the message doesn't get heard.

[@jclyntoledo]

@@ohisee9173 Yeah sometimes your picker is off and you are just recreating scenarios from your childhood and you need to break that by seeing that's not healthy nor what you deserve. What comfortable is what's familiar so whats healthy probably feels uncomfortable or weird to you and that's just proof you have some rewiring/reprograming to do there. 😕 Been there but yes ppl kinda really suck at empathy and giving feedback on this.

[@feelingscheck405]

I realized this too and it changed my life 🙏🏼❤️

[@rw7567]

Just to be clear, many on-camera instances was her setting up the situation like asking him to rate her. Or when she says he called her fat, she actually asked him if she was fattening up. If she consistently kept doing that, it could have gotten so irritating that Cole would just offhand say yeah you’re fattening up, just to get her to stfu. My sister is a hypochondriac. When we lived together in college it was miserable. Every 10 minutes she would comment on my health or hers. It was exhausting to the point I would just agree with- “yup you have cancer.” Then I’d just walk away. Did I believe she had cancer? Absolutely not. I just was tired of trying to change her mind.

[@jclyntoledo]

😳😳 well I hope your sister is okay now, like that level of paranoia isn't healthy. That being said I agree with the whole Zanab maybe probing Cole for answers when he doesn't want to give an answer bc he knows it's silly and will be pointless.

[@meizumi]

Exactly, I honestly recognize and understand a lot of Zay's behaviour as stuff I used to do but have learned to control with therapy (including the constant pestering of my partner to validate me), so it's strange to me that she has not worked on that with her therapist. Perhaps she has other issues she needs to prioritize which is fine, but at least recognize that it's a problem...

[@rw7567]

@@jclyntoledo thanks for asking! Yes she has a tharapist and has reduced a lot of major stressors in her life. She’s doing great. :-) Also she’s married now, so she can bother her hubs with that stuff! 🤣

[@Jane-gx7mz]

This was such a great interview to react to! I learned so much from this commentary, Kirk! Really great & so so helpful to me, especially stuff about distortion, hurt, cataloguing & low self esteem. Great conversation:))))

[@thatgirlheather123]

There is a new interview with Cole on The Bey’s TV, and he spills the 🫖! Dr. Honda may get some of his answers about the behind the scenes details about the wedding day and whether they know what they’re going to I say at the alter. It also gives a lot of context about many of the fights on the show, and why she was so mad the first morning in Malibu.

[@violett874]

Commenting to second this!

[@CarminaAmza]

Commenting to support this! He was even more relaxed and giving more context and details in this interview!

[@tulip5210]

is this the hour and 45 minute on I heard of? Make sure to tell dr honda this on his community post!

[@kaybmagic12]

Yup he should watch it. But I don’t think he will. It seems he has concluded Cole is a jerk face 🙃

[@LAFA_babe]

there is another one on a men's health podcast, which i think shows more of who he is and his potential rather than all the drama. he even mentioned that he went to see a pastor with her and they were counselled and all that was recorded.

[@ohisee9173]

He didn't say it never happened! I'm so frustrated for him on this fact.

[@CharleyCharlez]

Have to say, I love the personal photos you include! 😍

[@Halbmond]

Regarding the comments: I remember her “coffee with the ex” story which many people, me included, thought was an overstepping of boundaries. She didn’t turn off comments altogether - but deleted every single comment that wasn’t something like “you slay girl”. Even polite disagreement was deleted. It’s fine if you don’t want to engage with hate but social media is a two-way street and it feels like she herself is trolling the audience and stirring the pot with posts like this or the inflammatory faux apology.

[@Sough]

Exactly, that's curating a public image, not avoiding threats or staying away from social media

[@bobococo89]

Facts facts and facts!!!

[@c.m.j.454]

My memory may be skewed, but I believe she turned off all comments shortly after her “sorry, not sorry” post to the world. Rightfully, people were upset that she was pointing the finger outwards rather than taking any accountability. And I support turning off comments to any content provider. She certainly has every right to do so. But the context matters also, while trying to understand a complete scenario. I think to an equal degree of frustration that “influencers” feel about “haters” and “trolls,” is the degree of frustration us plebeians feel to see people like Zanab gain influence by just general mediocrity. That she can monetize all of this, is beyond maddening. And just want to say, thank you for this channel, Dr. K. I don’t agree that in 20 years the dumpster fire of the internet will sort itself out, but I do value your contributions and hope you make good money off of this channel. People who bring value to the conversation should be compensated, imo.

[@LAFA_babe]

@@c.m.j.454 it is actually on tiktok. i think she turned the instagram comments section off

[@sunnypie2]

Great points as usual. I personally watch KZbin for the comments. I enjoy reading other peoples point of views on what someone uploads on KZbin including the uploader 📺 🎙 🎥

[@ohisee9173]

Yay, thank you for the content! I'm assuming it's easier with non-Netflix videos

[@Halbmond]

Gosh I hate her distortions so much! I rewatched the cuties scene just now. Cole said “your family” three times! He also said “your people” once in between but in a way that was clearly synonymous. He’s lucky he didn’t say “your folks”, she would have ripped his head off

[@oksanaml9279]

Dr Honda, THANK YOU for your yammer-rant about haters on the internet. I am totally sickened by the vitriol and malice directed toward Zanab on social media. Those people have black and white, hero/villain thinking, and a pack mentality. When I try to tactfully intervene as a voice of reason and balance, I get bullied as well. I keep reading that Zanab is "definitely" a gaslighting narcissist, and I agree with her, that these same people don't have a clue what NPD is. Thank you also for the insight into why people behave this way online - I'd love to hear more of your speculative analysis on why this is happening.

[@donato286]

I think it was Dr. Honda who stated in one of his recent videos that some research has shown the proportion of the presence of narcissistic and antisocial (sociopathic) individuals on the Internet is much greater than in real life, and if I remember correctly, I think he said up to 30%. They are the people who don't come to have a decent discussion and exchange arguments, but just to shut you down with a vile personal attack, because they only care to come out on top, not about the way to get there.

[@hecate9190]

@@donato286Yes and when you try to leave the attack and create a boundary they gang up together and start to try to close in on you. Just for having empathy for her. I know Dr Honda says his commenters aren’t liked that, but this seems to be a biased view as they are exactly the way Zanab described.

[@DanielleMarieW]

It must be so awful to see huge screeds of horrible, vile comments written about oneself. My heart does go out to her and all the cast members. She is so spot on about people needing healing for themselves, what drives them to make cruel remarks? I can guess- they do not see people online or on tv as being fully human, and I think that compounds with her being a woman and a person of colour. I think she is still in a defensive stance otherwise she might apologize, but I sense apology is difficult when there has been so much attack. Even my little brushes with being mobbed on Reddit are tiny in comparison to what she has faced, or Dr Honda, and the latest left me feeling ill for days.

[@saltandpepperandmint]

what drove her to be cruel and still continues to be cruel and petty

[@donato286]

@Avana According to her, Cole drove her there. According to her, he was cruel to her, so she's been cruel to him, now people are cruel to her for being cruel to him, and she is being cruel to people for being cruel to her for being cruel to him. In short, many people don't realize that they are now doing pretty much the same thing she did at the wedding to Cole and what he was doing to her before the wedding.

[@saltandpepperandmint]

@@donato286 she thought she will get away with it because atm this society is sick and just because she is a woman she will get a free pass - I don’t think so

[@andedom]

@@donato286 well said

[@bobococo89]

@@donato286 she drove herself there because she had problems to begin with

[@icat7288]

man the lack of awareness is so irritating. I deal with severe cognitive distortions, similar to her, but at least there’s some kind of self awareness when I do it😭 and apology. I feel like it’s almost offensive how she is allowed to get away with her “reality” when those of us work so hard to combat them and ground ourselves in fact not feeling.

[@darter81]

I totally understand what you mean by it not seeming fair that she’s allowed to walk around like her reality *is* reality! That’s something I find annoying about many people, though, not just her, to be honest…

[@LAFA_babe]

it is why i think there is a a good amount of bad faith is her actions. not a mental issue. just a bad person

[@icarenotreally]

i totally agree as someone with bpd, like I work so hard every day so I'm not perceived like the monster/crazy person society wants me to be, but here is an apparently mentally healthy according to her person that gets to lie about and nearly ruin a person life.

[@icat7288]

@@icarenotreally I also wonder what exactly she works on in therapy. Ik in my experience, I fill out the ABC worksheet and go over it weekly with my therapist to see what situations may be triggering me and how I can change my distorted perspective. It’s been very helpful w increasing self awareness of that fact that i distort reality. Maybe her therapist doesn’t know and they don’t discuss this? Just a little confused about that.

[@Abby-fw3hd]

Omg !! You and your wife are so cute and you were adorable as a child!!! We appreciate these pics :)

[@marlynsantos9677]

Bullying and cruelty are never ok... under any circumstance. But it's hard to have too much sympathy when she says I don't respond hate with hate or I don't do bullying when that's exactly what she did with Cole. I think a lot of people were triggered by her just completely dismissing her behavior, but those cruel comments went over the line.

[@amigadecachorros]

It hadn’t occurred to me that it would give me 30 seconds of joy to bully someone online, but now that you mention it maybe I should try it. Thanks Dr H!!!😂😂😂😂

[@scottikegami]

DR HONDA! Please hear me, your channel has been an absolute grace in my life and that of my family. We need and cherish the SELF AWARENESS nuggets you give us, we have benefitted greatly but some thing has changed.. this channel is too important to us that before drifting away, I must comment.. I suffered through these reality shows not for the entertainment of the show but for the context to better understand your clinical analysis of the PRESENTED data points as a psychologist. In my humble opinion it feels you are drifting away from the clinical clinician more and more. I'll use this video as the example, from minute two on, it seems to me, you commented more on Public Commentary and the nature of negative comments then getting to the heart of self awareness. A specific example could be at min 37, Zanab tells us what she understands to have gained from a YEAR of work in therapy.. Her answer is interesting and seemingly enlightening to a viewer, I'd love to hear what you as a trained clinician thinks that answer points to given the hours of data points we have on this jumping off point. Instead we hear your agreement and frustration with negative comments and how you relate with your page, which is important but were stepping away from the heart of self awareness as it relates to the actual character data points presented.. She doesn't like negative comments, I get it, I realize negative comments can be a damaging force, I posted a single comment on your last video trying to basically say the same as here, the only comment, so far, was a useless jab expressing more about the person making the jab given their interpretation, but to make a case... that's besides the point. Although a different example was used in my comment, in your previous video, the "issue" is the same. I need you to explain what a trained therapists would say and the thinking process behind that given the relatable characters displayed on the TV show and the data points displayed on the screen and only on the screen.. tangential contracts and public commentary negative or positive are just that... tangential, very important to talk about but please, not at the expense of the professional analysis of the "presented data"... which is why me and my family watch and what we need from you. Thank you soo much and I/we love you.

[@cantacarallada]

I understand that you have a preference about the content he posts and I think it's ok to say it. But... this is his channel, he posts 2 videos or more daily (which is a lot of content), and you are one of the thousands of people who watch his videos, meaning, he's not a professional you are hiring to do a specific job for you. Therefore, you can wish his content were different, specially if you think it changed for the worse, but you can't request it just because your family needs it, he doesn't have to do content specifically catered to you. So basically, if you don't find it useful anymore, look around on youtube, there are so many channels I'm sure you'll find what you need, but you can't depend on a specific youtuber to make sure your family is stable. This is my opinion, of course.

[@scottikegami]

@@cantacarallada thank you for your opinion, I absolutely see where your coming from and can agree with a lot of it.. Its quite all right and admirable to defend Dr. Honda, I can assure you I'm not making a demand or attacking.. simply giving a long time viewer opinion and request.. which I feel Dr. Honda would say is quite all right regardless if my family needs it or not. I hope Dr Honda has a better take on my comment and perhaps we can leave space for Dr. Honda to make his own opinion as I agree, this is his page.

[@scottikegami]

I'll use the above response by cantacarallada as an additional example of what I'm trying to say.. the on screen facts would be the comment/statement itself, starting with a sentence saying they understand it's my preference and "ok to say it" then in the very next sentence contradicts their first sentence by saying I can't say it and gives reasons. Now given the statement, I know you can't know, but what would be the thinking process and possible distortions a person may hold in order to make a contradictory demand like this.. given the statement and the statement only.. a tangent would be; perhaps there's a contract out there stating this person must defend Dr. Honda at all cost. Perhaps there is but we don't know that.. of course bring up the tangent as a possibility but return to the critical analysis of the statement given as is... I'm not looking for a answer to this specific person.. but the people portrayed on these shows.

[@cantacarallada]

@@scottikegami I'm not guilty of distorting and contradicting myself (in my mind). I am guilty, though, of not explaining myself clearly. You can express your opinion: "I don't like it when Kirk goes on tangents, I want him to stick to clinical-related topics, but that's my opinion". You can express your wishes: "I wish kirk wouldn't go on tangents, I'm not a fan of them, but that's my wish, he can do whatever he wants". I don't think it's ok to tell him what to do: "kirk, now you're going on tangents a lot and I don't find them useful, my family needs you to talk only about clinical-related topics". He's not your therapist, you can express your opinion and your wishes politely all you want, but how is it ok to tell him what to do, as if you're paying him for a personalised service, adding the preasure that your family needs that to stay healthy? As if he owes you. And I'm not a Kirk defensor, I just felt the need to reply to your comment because I found it somehow entitled and I dislike that. Of course, maybe that wasn't your intention, I apologise if it wasn't.

[@scottikegami]

​@@cantacarallada I obviously don't know you nor have any clue to your distortions if any.. I hope you don't take my example as a critique of you.. It's only a jumping off point to help make clear to Dr. Honda my issue.. and yes I am aware you don't think I have the right... but that too is tangential.. ie besides the point. I still appreciate your interaction.. hopefully all the hub bub will bring this to the attention of our beloved professional.

[@vajolinda]

I wish Kirk interviewed the cast. I would looove that

[@wonderbabetv5014]

Yes!!! More videos 🥳🥳🥳

[@laine80]

As far as the comments go, I will never understand why people feel the need to tell someone on the internet the awful things they think about the person. These are real people with real feelings, and no matter how much I disagree, I can’t imagine attacking someone like that.

[@onedirectionlover317]

The same can be said for Zanab’s online behavior towards Cole.

[@bobococo89]

@@onedirectionlover317 very much said. No one deserves death threats but she deserved the comments of people calling her out.

[@laine80]

@@onedirectionlover317 very true

[@ceroxx1]

Dr Kirk is giving a very objective opinion, addressing hate comments culture online, saying that internet is full of sadists… I check the comments and there are still hate comments towards her. I get it, the majority is “team Cole”. I decided to see this from a different scope: Zanab is a full-figure woman of color with a tumultuous family past. There’s a lot to her background that we don’t know. Why is she still defensive? She’s reacting to what she’s seeing online. If the “internet was on my side” like what’s happening to Cole, I’d be way cooler, but if I’m being flooded with hate of course I’d be more bitter. We as humans need to do better, honestly. Literally Dr Honda is talking about bullying and this comment section is shameful.

[@secret_badass]

Regarding the comments, I saw that Zaneb turned the comments off on some, but not all, of her TikTok videos. But, a lot of the videos where they were turned off were ones where she was saying negative things about other people. On the videos where she was posting about things like clothes, make up, etc. the comments were overwhelmingly positive.

[@MegaGreencarebear]

I admire your optimism about the future of the internet.

[@evamichael542]

Your videos are very educational. Thank you for posting them.

[@nyoshavalaei-khiabani4962]

So happy you’re reacting to these interviews!

[@mabel9357]

I have this horrible feeling that some people upon hearing that negative comments really affect others, will just feel empowered and run like the wind with it :/

[@hecate9190]

Yes true. It makes the haters feel heard.

[@sufiheart]

Not every quality in another person is simply green flag or red flag. Red flag implies some kind of fault in another person. Might be helpful for her to see it more from the view of compatibility... that would take the idea of "bad" or "red flag" or "harmful" out of her feelings, when it's not truly harmful. Life is just way more chill when we can do that.

[@ismaelSounds]

wow, she tried to accuse him of racism in the cuties scene as well... she is toxic. He wasn't the best but she is out of pocket and still spiteful seemingly a whole year later.

[@thebowandbullet]

A common phenomenon I find annoying is when trolls sub/donate to the streamer/KZbinr and then harass the community, sometimes even the content creator, but get *_tolerated_* because they're subs/patrons. Sometimes, not only is their poor behaviour completely ignored, but they get positively validated regularly by the content creator.

[@cantacarallada]

🤦🏻‍♀️

[@jamiex6072]

At 6 minutes when Dr Honda suggests what he would like Zenab to say. It makes total sense but it's off brand for Zenabs actual personality.

[@Sough]

I hate technicality or word game arguments. Like someone stubbing their toe saying "fuck, you have a bandaid? " and describing it as, "you said 'fuck you!'"

[@julianwiese5668]

Is the coffee cup glued onto her hand? Did she ever put the prop down? 🤔

[@klammertime6452]

omg, thank you! I haven't seen her drink from it once.

[@flyersgirl929]

To me, it seems like Zanab is a traumatized person. It shows up in different ways. Losing both parents early in life will do that. We don’t know the whole story. Yes, she’s very passive aggressive, has a distorted view, those all line up with some of thr traits of C-PTSD. There are days when you’re great and then something triggers you and you spiral 🖤

[@Amina-cw1em]

I just got random rude online messages today! I don't know if s/he was intentionally being obtuse--but they were incredibly argumentative and purposefully belittling me. They were rudely responding to a post I made over 9 months ago. People really can be so intentionally hurtful (and bored) online.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

Usually those people ARE being intentionally obtuse. That makes it more frustrating lol

[@saltandpepperandmint]

38:50 What exactly does Dr Honda mean by that?? How different would that be?? It would be the same if not worse

[@julimej8516]

Thank you, for your Work 🙏🙏

[@Trewq79]

2:45 . "You guys tend not to, but general public I have seen people have extreme takes on this" One of the biggest lessons I learned from your channel is that when two sides argue, there isn't "one right, one wrong" side. There are two perspectives with different views, and each view has it's own good and bad things to it. And I think a lot of this audience is viewing it that way too.

[@andra9601]

Zanab did not recount the cuties scene word for word. She keeps using this argument to prove that she is being honest.. but it’s not working with all of us who understand the meaning of “verbatim”. Zanab added words and left words out, therefore, she did not give a word-for-word account of what happened. Not sure why Dr. H keeps missing this point and that she’s only bringing it up to try and pass as honest and transparent.

[@jetblack6381]

It makes me sad to see her now, because I also had that same hope that Dr H had, that she would be able to reflect with some humility - both on her interpretations and her reactions. I think its wonderful that she’s worked in therapy to build her self confidence, but it doesn’t seem she’s let any vulnerability or humility in. She’s as intrenched in her positions as she was on the show, or maybe even more.

[@Carolina-hz8ku]

I know people who has suffered from an ED and those comments sound like a person that is not aware of she having that problem (probably... not diagnosing here) plus not really knowing how people with ed behave. He simply sound like a person who is doing normal comments... But as she has this vision and she is probably so focus on food, she saw it as a comment on her body and that she eats a lot. Which I don't think he was saying there.... Now, I don't know what happens behind, but if we take the cuties thing as his normal behaviour, I would say she was feeling hurt all the time and she didn't say she has problems with food (which is very normal because if you say it, 'they will stop you from being beautiful'). At the end, most problems come from a misscomunication to the other person about feelings.

[@carinamartin1677]

You and your wife are such a beautiful couple!❤

[@kaybmagic12]

Am I the only one who feels Dr Honda goes above and beyond to paint Zanib in the best light possible even through there is countless data points we are given?

[@amyjwenzel88]

To be fair, he does this with absolutely everyone because he understands the many facets of trauma and the multiple avenues this can manifest.

[@amyjwenzel88]

And in this day and age where everyone is demonized, it's a breath of fresh air. It's helps the rest of us to heal and view others with grace.

[@Asdfghjkl-ee3zw]

I don't think so. He has been very clear repeatedly about the fact that he believes she is mean, hurtful, and speaking from her distorted perspective in the same way he's done about the quality of the words coming out from Cole's mouth 99% of the time. I think many people are expecting him to say things like "she's lying" or "she's crazy" outright and anyone who watches Dr. Honda's channel knows that he is the furthest from that type of person.

[@onedirectionlover317]

Idk, I think it’s more that he was way more willing to speculate and comment on Cole being a “jerkface” above and beyond what we saw while with Zanab, even with what we saw he was often willing to give her more benefit of the doubt. Relative to (especially) Matt, Cole deserved way more grace than what he got (even though ofc he did say and do shitty things).

[@andedom]

@@amyjwenzel88 well said

[@AiriniMustapa]

Wow Dr. Kirk, you have 4 sessions of Zanab's interview and only 1 of Cole's. What are the odds? ahahhahaha. Looks like, whatever Zanab did, indeed affect us. I also believe what she said (verbatim) "Cole I forgave you when I stepped out of the alter" is just playing for the camera (to be sweet - as she said she is sweet and a catch). She's really holding this hurt which happened more than a year ago (after just 2 months of courtship). She didn't once admit that she has flaws, or perhaps mistakenly made some misjudgement (whereas Cole admits his). It takes two to tango. I hope her therapy wasn't intense because she does need to double the session. Good luck to her

[@brooke225]

One thing we can all agree on is that some people are absolutely horrid on the internet. It’s disgusting! I only post what I would say to that persons face and it is never mean because why would I want to hurt someone?

[@justfelicitous5109]

Hmm.. about turning off comments (in general not Zanab in particular) on social media, I feel like the best part of anything uploaded is the comments. Whether or not I participate, I like to see both sides as usually the content largely skews one way on a given topic. So for comments to be turned off on something controversial it feels like the opposite opinion is silenced, whether or not I agree with the topic. At the very least it feels like my viewing experience is not complete lol

[@giandina85]

i think the solution for the internet situation is to take away the anonymity. people are nasty and there is not consequences. its time people take responsibility for their action, not only in person but also for their behaviour online.

[@poponachtschnecke]

If this were a conversation I was having with Zanab, I would have to stop her to tell her she has tone.

[@jclyntoledo]

you mean an attitude?

[@poponachtschnecke]

@@jclyntoledo I think it's a little different. My interpretation of what Dr H means by tone, is a voice or phrasing you aren't necessarily conscious of, but use in a way that can be mocking or overly aggressive so that it undermines the goal of a difficult discussion.

[@jclyntoledo]

@@poponachtschnecke how is that different than saying she seems like she has an attitude? 🤔 bc everyone who speaks has a certain tone in which they are speaking in and that's not good or bad it could be anything but if you are saying it is bad or mean or something like that than you mean attitude. Unless you are saying something else?

[@poponachtschnecke]

@@jclyntoledo it's a phrase that Dr Honda uses. He's talked about it in other videos, and I wanted to use that language for the other people who remember it.

[@poponachtschnecke]

@@jclyntoledo maybe he uses "tone" because attitude has so many negative connotations, and if you stop your partner in the middle of a nasty speech to tell them they have tone, it won't sound like a condescending slap in the face like "you've got an attitude" would.

[@manumoreau444]

Love the pictures of you and Stacy and little dkh!

[@frommousietomouthy4991]

I have a good laugh whenever he says " jerk face "😅😅

[@danicarr6625]

What a cute photo of you and Stacy ❤️

[@julietperry1748]

*me, nodding along like Dr. Honda is talking directly to me...*

[@sTellasTar24]

She doesn’t take responsibility for her actions and that is off putting. She says she will not tolerate bullying but is kind of a bully. She refuses to admit she did anything wrong at all and I personally don’t think that’s healthy.

[@jeans0130]

Dr Kirk, you didn't review the part where she said she treated Cole with kindness in the wedding and reunion. :((

[@YoYoWaddupBro]

The way I see it, I think that Zenab is going to continue to defend herself and fight her fight until she doesn't feel like she's on the defense. People have NOT been on her side. As far as the entirety of the internet is concerned, Zenab is in the wrong. Zenab is bad. Zenab is toxic. It would be so hard to take accountability in that kind of flood of negativity. She probably sees the internet's response and thinks "No, they're wrong, maybe I made some mistakes but I am not nearly as evil as everyone says I am." And as a response to that, she feels like she has to keep enforcing her own POV as to what happened.

[@cuddlebug1957]

I’ve thought about finding some channels with more hateful comments and nicely contradicting them under a signature like “lovemom”. We need an internet mom army to combat the hate.

[@kimscf6998]

In twenty years we will all realize how wildly regressive this entire debacle has been.

[@AprilT72]

I could never bring myself to leave purposefully negative comments on KZbin, IG, FB etc... I'm that person who'll accidentally say something hurtful, come back and correct it or delete it.

[@ohgeez3794]

Omg baby Dr Honda pic drop, adorable, what a scamp

[@jeans0130]

It's her social media and she can do anything that she wants with it. She can turn it off then it back on and delete stuff that isn't favourable to her. That's her prerogative but stop posting stuff to attack your ex then cry that people are wanting to blast you for it. When you poke the bear, don't cry that it attacked you.

[@bobococo89]

Yessss!!!!!

[@icarenotreally]

aw this is the first time ive seen your wife, shes so pretty! and you look great together.

[@ClintSevilla]

10:18 Shania wanted to be with Shane. She just said yes to Kyle to further her process in the show and then said no to him because it would hurt her chances to be with Shane. She also didn’t even like Kyle.

[@Sough]

Sorry, she can't gaslight the world and call the world haters when they call her out for it. Same having it both ways with" My people? My people??" Interviewer "did that offend you?" Her: no.

[@awetree6765]

Yea my mom does that all the time, telling people to go to therapy. Has she been herself? No. It’s really sad

[@DonInADress]

Her “people” in the U.K. are her white family… her mum is white British. What is she saying?

[@roxylady79]

bullying should have conséquences like banned accounts ...we can express our opinion in a respectful way

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

The way that Zanab continually harps on other people calling her a 'liar' smacks of previous trauma. Either a pervasive gaslighting where she has learned the behavior of cataloguing every encounter in order to be able to say 'no I'm not a liar see!' OR her distortions have caused people close to her to call bs on some of the things she says and this was possibly done in a way that caused further harm so she has a lot of baggage around that word and even just the allusion that she's being untruthful. That's the way it looks to me. I don't hate(TV hate?) Either one of them but I'm so glad they didn't get married because it's clear they weren't a good match

[@BitterFlower]

Me when I see it's a LONG Dr Honda reaction video: 😄

[@icameisaws4829]

The issue with the cuties scene is that it is THE SCENE she wanted to be shown. If it was a series of events that lead to the conversation, why not mention those other occasions?

[@rylie483]

I love this guy

[@noelleirina5628]

Sorry, what? When did Cole body shame her at all, let alone verbatim??? Because I watched that video of you analyzing it and he NEVER said anything like that, and you even said that this is Zanab's distorting coming through SEVERAL TIMES

[@kaybmagic12]

Dr Honda is being Gas lit. Zae is a Pro.

[@roshunepp]

I am willing to bet that zanab will never say something to the effect of "no excuses that was my mistake." I'll keep watching to see.

[@SheLovesFubu]

Cole said that it never happened that he pushed food away from her. He also asked for the video to be aired so idk what she is talking about. Cole also denied the girl incident.

[@RGB1986]

He didn’t say it never happened . Dr. Kirk needs to correct this … watch it again

[@shobhananarayan8003]

She has made that her truth. No matter what actually happened she is never going to admit that she blew it out of context