“I’m 42 & single in NYC, and my biological clock is ticking” (Audience caller) | The Real Stuff

[@agonyofthenearmiss]

I think this has been my favorite episode so far. It helped me get through a rush hour commute in what felt like no time! I really appreciate learning about a “normal” guest’s life since it is so much more relatable to my everyday struggles. I can relate to the guest as I was single for a long time while it seemed that everyone around me was getting married. I began dating my now husband when I had ZERO attraction to him. There wasn’t a spark, there wasn’t chemistry, he is shorter than me (I am tall). But guess what, over time as we got to know each other and we were more and more open with each other, he became the man of my dreams. There wasn’t the spark when we first met, but now there is a spark every morning when I wake up next to him. I can’t imagine my life without him. I admire Elia’s confidence and how open she was on this episode. I might be wrong but I feel like I detected a lack of vulnerability. I felt that there were a lot of defensive reasons for not dating certain types of men…old, short, “ick.” Is it easier to push these men away than it is to deal with the potential rejection? Is it easier to blame a lack of initial attraction than to succumb to the possibility that the man of her dreams might not be exactly who she has envisioned in the past?

[@feedyoursister]

I’m trying my best to Work on being more open. It’s not easy. Thank you for listening.

[@hillaryw7272]

Oh Lucie, thank you for hosting a great episode! You’re a wonderful, honest moderator. I would just request Elia reflect about where she falls on 2 axis - - one would be desire to marry/have companionship soon vs comfort being single for a long time - the other would be her quick judgements of men (she said herself!) vs more open to compromise and taking time to find attraction and common ground.

[@feedyoursister]

I would love nothing more than a companion vs being single trust me!! I think I made that clear on the episode! But if I didn’t I sure am Now! But in the meantime I’m living a happy single life and doing what I can to place myself in places where I’m happy and fell myself confident and funny and me. So that people can see the real me not the me with a front. And hopefully attract the man of my dreams or someone who knows him! Thanks for the feedback!

[@birdie6916]

I enjoyed this episode, Lucie. I can relate to Elia's experience in many ways. I was the quintessential career woman living in NYC in my 20s and 30s; dating was another job entirely! Many friends and family members were getting engaged and married and having babies. I felt the pressure to get out there and find someone without really knowing what I truly wanted in a partner. I think you really have to know who you are first in order to find your right partner. I dated many wrong men for me. It wasn't until I got diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer at the age of 36 and somehow survived it that I finally realized what I wanted in a partner instead of trying to please my parents, sibling, friends, or keep up with them. You have to get really clear on what qualities you truly want. And who would ever believe that after a long battle with stage 3 breast cancer that I would meet a wonderful man? With a double mastectomy and a change of life in every single way, I certainly didn't think it could happen! Well, I relaxed about it, and it happened. We're engaged and getting married next year. I'm 45 and he's 48. Life happens when it happens. There are no timelines. Of course biological clock is a different "timeline," and I can relate to that as well, especially with friends and family having babies and I cannot due to the cancer. Hard to accept but such is life. Once you realize that we're each on a different path, you can kinda relax a bit. The best unsolicited advice I can give to Elia is to know who you are and stop comparing and focusing on what you don't have. I'm not sure if people really think that they might be upsetting someone by sharing their engagement, wedding, baby news online. Of course, most people don't think that way and why should they in this self-obsessed society? I understand that pain, Elia. The pain is in the comparison. You are your own unique self. What's meant for you will not pass you by! Your partner is out there looking for you too. And kudos to you for being so honest and vulnerable on camera! That's freaking hard! I wish I could do that! 💞💞💞

[@feedyoursister]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so glad you found your man!! And are happy!! I know my man is out there! I have found myself now and am living my life to the fullest!! No more comparisons and all of that!! Your words are so true!! Thank you for listening!! 💗🙏🏼

[@birdie6916]

@@feedyoursister You're welcome!💖

[@raarod1]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! It was very relatable in a lot of ways. One particular part resonated with me- where you shared that you don't want to be lonely as you age and have to be that older woman who goes to the theater by herself. I remember previously feeling this way in my 20s when I really desperately wanted to have a husband who I could go on vacations with and I envisioned this picture-perfect life with my kids playing in the backyard. Similar to what you shared about being out in the Hamptons with your future family. Now in my 30s, my thinking has completely shifted to one where I'm perfectly comfortable and happy being single even if I do not ever find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I'm sure there are older people out there who feel lonely but I have also met older women who are perfectly happy living their lives without partners (either because they have passed away or they never met someone) and take themselves on dates. When I see people like that, I don't feel like it's sad or pitiful. I think there is a certain beauty in loving your own company and not feeling that your life is incomplete without a partner. That being said, I hope you find happiness, regardless of what the future brings!

[@feedyoursister]

Well said!! I am happy alone! I do love my life currently but I have a lot to give and want that companionship. Only time will tell!! But I have faith!! Thanks for commenting and listening!!

[@Prachi07534]

❤❤❤

[@sydneyspeaks9925]

So awesome Lucie! Would love to also hear more perspectives to continue the respectful conversations like child free people or fertility journeys. Love it!

[@lilly8803]

I can see why your guest is single, and Lucy’s questions were spot on in digging further into it. You are too picky and too old to be looking for “the man of your dreams”. You say you want someone affectionate, loving, in addition to being tall and able to provide you with health insurance. Men will not be lovey dovey on a first date - they may agree to be intimate with you, but affection and love takes time to grow. My now husband wasn’t my type at all, didn’t check any box of what I thought I wanted, but our relationship has transformed and he’s the best man for me and we have such a strong, beautiful relationship. It’s taken years of flourishing, and it continues to change as life changes. Take a chance on someone, and let yourself open up.

[@SemesterAtSeaHopeful]

Affectionate, loving, and financially stable is not asking too much

[@nancye66]

This was great Lucie. I love how open and honest Elia was. Truly refreshing. There is definitely someone out there for you Elia. Please don’t give up. Keep an open mind. I had a 3 date rule… give it 3 dates to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Everyone is a bit nervous on that first date… 😊

[@feedyoursister]

Thank you! I definitely try to give more than a date or two- but what people don’t realize is that it’s also the guy who has to want to go on a date with me as well. Plus some of the stories I told were not first date stories they were after me giving shots to these guys that I knew were good catches after several dates. Not everything is so cut and dry with dating and so easy. I appreciate your kind thoughtful words! 💗

[@ha_a_haa]

Thank you for this very vulnerable episode. From listening to Elia, I feel a little discouraged because of the numbers of layers of societal expectations that are thrown on women and hetero relationships: relationship are mandatory, and looks (height) come into play, and it has to be easy (immediate attraction), but you can't be wishing for it too much, and you have to have children, but also a business, and god forbid you ask for help!! I shared the tears because of how exhausting it all is! And on top of that, there is a true desire for connection, and a fear that we might be left behind, which seems to just come with being a human being! I do wonder about the comunity around Elia. Every time she mentions some of her friends getting married it seems as if she has a sense of loss, and somehow that being in a relationship or marriage would be the only way for her to regain those friendships... Couldn't the house in the Hamptons with kids and barbecue be filled with friends and godchildren? That doesn't mean that there is anything bad in desiring the marriage as well, but I wonder why it has become the KEY to that dream Maybe there were more explanations that were cut from the episode, but I do feel like there might be something off about the way we as a society overvalue marriage and undervalue any other non-romantic relationships, and this episode and guest has really hightlighted that for me. Thank you again for being willing to share!

[@feedyoursister]

I think you might have misunderstood me a little. I definitely am happy having my ⓾ year plan be with my friends and their families hanging out all together but I also hope that I have a partner and kids to add to the mix as well. It’s not to say that I won’t be happy if that’s not the case. At this point I just want to have a good happy life.

[@ha_a_haa]

@@feedyoursister I definitely got confused in the point I was trying to make. I was mainly commenting on how strong the pressure of being in a relationship is, and wondering whether that influence was so strong as to sometimes estrange single people from their coupled friends, leading to more loneliness and more pressure to be in relationships. Apologies if that wasn't clear, and thank you for providing so many thinking points 💙💙

[@marissa9522]

Loved this episode! Appreciated the honesty and transparency ❤

[@feedyoursister]

Thanks so much for your support!!

[@chelseawilkinson307]

There is a book I heard about on a podcast a few years ago, it was called "Getting to I Do" by Pat Allen. Thw book says you will go from meeting to the ring in a year. And then all the reviews were the same, so I was like why not. It took me a couple tries to figure it out but when I tell you, 1 year and 2 months I did get the ring!! But mostly it was about communication and learning HOW to go through the process of dating intentionally. Changed my life. I highly, highly recommend!!

[@ellie__swan]

So so great, Lucie! I’m in my twenties but this still felt so relevant and relatable! Would love to see some more content like this :)

[@feedyoursister]

Take your time!! Don’t settle!! And have fun living your best life!!

[@Michelle_Gian]

Another great episode! I have two loved ones in a similar position. I wish I knew what to do or say to them on the subject. I don’t even know how to respond when they express their desire to “have what I have” (husband/children) beyond assuring them that they will some day (which I do whole heartedly believe they will!)

[@feedyoursister]

Thank you!! I think just really looking out for them and thinking outside the box of who could be a good match for them when meeting literally anyone!! Always asking people if they know anyone for them is helpful! I feel like I’m doing this all alone and no one looks out for me.

[@Michelle_Gian]

@@feedyoursister will do! I’m now on the lookout for you too!

[@jaimeann618]

I really feel for Elia. I went 12 years dating in NYC, living an involuntary single life and it was awful. I was not the classic "picky" type of person. I did have some unbendable elements that I needed from the other person - I needed to be physically attracted to him, we needed to have good conversations, share some common values, and be monogamous if we got involved. The monogamy part was very hard to find - most of the single men I encountered wanted situationships and wanted to play the field. Amazingly, I met my husband very randomly - we were engaged within three months of meeting and have now been married for about 14 years. I didn't change myself, or go to a psychoanalyst to work through my issues to fit myself into a more ideal woman that will be more attractive (or compliant) to a wider range of men. I really believe that my luck changed. What I understand now is that there are more single women than single men in NYC and much of Elia's issues stem from basic numbers -- more men means they have the upper hand and can play the field. While I think whatever work she has done with a therapist could benefit her own personal growth, I find it frustrating that females are made to feel they are the problem when many of the single guys in NYC just want to have a bunch of hookup buddies. Yes, there are many good men in NYC, but most are already in relationships which means they aren't available. I hope Elia will read Sara Eckle's great book "It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single." It is one of the best books out there for someone who has struggled with chronic single hood. Best of luck to Elia -- I hope her life partner is just around the corner.

[@feedyoursister]

Thanks so much Jaime! I appreciate what you wrote and you are correct! They either don’t want more kids, aren’t Jewish (which is something that’s important to me), or they aren’t serious about meeting up or wanting a committed relationship! And many of the stories I told were not first dates. My guy is out there just gotta find him! 🥰

[@feedyoursister]

And I will add that book to my list. I purchased another recommended book already form another commenter!

[@estrugs]

Lucie! You are a fantastic interviewer! I’ve followed Elia for years and she is so great. Sending you both love ❤

[@feedyoursister]

Awww thanks Elise!!! You are so sweet!!! 🥹

[@elfirasser]

Once again a great episode. Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate the honesty of this lady. Something from my side: I guess your guest is trying too hard. I believe when going out without any expectations will provide more chance than to go out with the intention to find the future partner. I only can give the recommendation „take it easy and enjoy your life“ then something magical will happen 😊 I wish her all the best and a happy life ❤

[@feedyoursister]

That’s exactly what I’m trying to do moving forward!! Living my best life!! Thank you for listening!! 💗

[@luciebfink]

Elia love how you're replying to people! You're the best.@@feedyoursister

[@elfirasser]

@@feedyoursister 💖

[@bcxier]

I’m 24 but I somehow relate to Elia sooo much😂😂in some aspects

[@b25temp]

What a great episode! Landed so well with me. Kudos to Lucie for asking the tough but important questions!

[@feedyoursister]

Lucie is such a good interviewer! I agree!! Thanks for listening!!! 😘

[@helachikhaoui1859]

Maybe I am on the conservative side here. But I just feel like it's important to have a kid and raise them in a family friendly environment. At least that's the goal but then again life happens and parents go their separate ways. But I find it a bit weird to intentionally decide to raise a kid when there's no family and parents are only friends. I am skeptical about what core values we're passing down to the kid etc ... Not sure in what ways it could mess (or not) society/the kid up. Maybe adopting an older child (I think usually is overlooked) but at the same time you can have the benefit of having a little best friend for life, giving them a better life and you still have your business as you're not stuck in baby mode for 3 years and compromising your career.

[@feedyoursister]

Great points. Still the financial burden for any way of having a child is too much for me right now as a single woman which is also partially why I said my life would be ruined. Remember the podcast was also edited down a lot. Lucie and I spoke for over an hour and a half!! So parts of the conversation were missing too!

[@elizabethcook8021]

I agree with Lucie that it’s not always love at first sight. I met my husband on Bumble and while I was attracted to him, I wasn’t sure if we meshed well until after 4-5 dates. I was in love after 3 months. It was about 5 months in that I thought we might get married one day, which happened 2 years later. Wishing you well!

[@feedyoursister]

That’s good to hear!! Refreshing but as you said there was attraction!! There’s def gotta be something for me whether it’s attraction, personality, the way he makes me feel, or depth…hoping I meet him soon!

[@azymboo]

Elia, I think you seem approachable and friendly! In the beginning you alluded to the fact that maybe you have a strong front that’s intimidating. I don’t think you should put yourself in a box like that. I’m a very direct person and for so long I struggled in dating and I thought I had a broken personality partly because I was so direct. I ended up marrying a (now retired) police officer in a large metropolitan area. Right away he told me he loved how direct I was and it was refreshing that I just said what I thought. I never thought about it before I met him, but as a cop you have to be a direct communicator. Anyways, I think the right person appreciates the quirks, you know? One other thought that helped me. I got to a point in dating where I just defined my core values and wrote them out. Then when I met guys online (or in person), I was upfront about my values. It was such an easy filter. When I met my husband online I spelled out my values and what I wanted. His values aligned. The communication was direct and great. I wasn’t initially attracted to him on the first date but our values synced and the communication just worked. I gave it a chance and attraction built. I don’t know if that’s helpful but when people say “be friends” I always thought that was so abstract. I think that’s actually what I did - I just went about it more methodically. Anyways!! You seem so great ❤ best of luck to you!!

[@feedyoursister]

Yes! love this advice. And since I took that course (soul level love) with that therapist I talked about on the episode I have learned what I want, my values, my deal breakers, what compatibilities I want in a partner etc. I am very up front about me wanting a long term relationship and marriage with at least ⓵ child down the road. Thank you for listening and sharing your story with me! 🩷

[@makayla4292]

my partner of 6 years and I met around 7 or so years ago and at first I wasn’t attracted to him and then we became good friends and eventually it all changed!!

[@feedyoursister]

Love that!! I wish I had some male relationships that were good friendships besides my friends’ husbands!

[@lindsaylindsay4884]

Completely unrelated to this guest but it would be really interesting to see a guest with more conservative views

[@luciebfink]

Yes!!

[@miaramona6257]

thats meee!!!

[@K-wx6ki]

girl has not been married but wants to be like a divorced parent?! hmmmm. i fell into this trap of looking for someone who "meets a checklist", we all do. if you say youre looking for someone for insurance guys wont feel good about that. imagine if a guy said he's looking for a girl to just cook for him at home.... i do commend her though for sharing her story!! Just some food for thought :)

[@feedyoursister]

That was more of a joke! The insurance! Lol

[@catrin1991]

Fab podcast, Is it worth trying a different location with more of a community feel? X

[@feedyoursister]

I’ve definitely thought about it. Moving. But to be honest my friends and family are here. So ideally I’d like to stay. That’s not to say if I did meet someone on an app who lived elsewhere or met on a trip that I wouldn’t be open to moving for love.

[@catrin1991]

@@feedyoursister makes complete sense, having a support network of close friends nearby is so important too. I met my partner through friends of friends also. I really appreciated this podcast, it is such an important topic to cover and not spoken about enough x

[@heloisebrunet330]

I've only seen 12minutes, but the way Elia talks (speed, pauses...) makes me think of ADHD!

[@feedyoursister]

Well, I probably do have a little undiagnosed adhd and was definitely a little nervous too! Cut me some slack! And thank you for listening!! 💗

[@heloisebrunet330]

Of course :) I didn't mean to say it harshly, it just struck me and I wondered if it could affect your link to people and the way you envision you life. I finally got to see the entire video, and I love how you came open about your pursuit of love. This is unbelievable to live so lonely in such a big town, but maybe the biggest the city, the loneliest we feel. I loved your idea of having a baby with a friend, it really goes with "it takes a village to raise a child", I think it would change so many people's life and perspective!!! I wondered why you said you would have to make new friends once they are married, it this something that happened regularly? I am in the "love at first sight" category, but I would say that anyway, it takes life long emotional investments to maintain the relationship. I wish you so much love, I wish you so much joy!!@@feedyoursister

[@margotexplainsitall]

The excessive use of the “like” was so distracting 😮

[@feedyoursister]

Sorry I did my best!

[@luciebfink]

Let’s try to be kind to our guests! Especially on this show, I’m bringing on “real” people - not all of my guests are celebrities/influencers who are used to being on the mic all the time! 💓💓

[@justladybugjackie]

​@@feedyoursisterYou did Phenomenal ❤

[@feedyoursister]

Thank you so much Jackie!! 🩷🤗@@justladybugjackie