Having OCD // EP 30 - Pretty Lonesome

In this episode, Madeline opens up about her experience with OCD and how it has affected her life. Bursting myths and sharing personal stories, she shines a light on the realities beyond repetitive behaviors. Dive into her journey through intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and moments of panic, as she navigates relationships and self-acceptance. Discover the power of understanding and embracing OCD, and how it shapes identity. She details some mortifying experiences growing up without fully realizing what was actually going on in her brain. Gain insights into managing OCD by discerning between anxious and intrusive thoughts.

[@laurencartervids]

I have ocd and I completely relate to this episode and how the intrusive thoughts and circular arguments with your unsettling thoughts take up 80% of our thinking during the day.

[@Amy-yc6rt]

What have you found helps you?

[@miriamlevenson9430]

finding out OCD exists is one of the most relieving experiences in the entire range of human experiences.

[@ck7_ee]

Practically jumped out of my seat when I saw this title because as someone with contamination ocd I always found certain tiktoks you’d post so relatable. Thank you for posting abt this it means a lot to so many people ❤

[@StephenBelcher-sr3zk]

Rand Stick With Big Clive like glue on this one : Maddy ,

[@kellikaroli2111]

omg sameee

[@edwinabrodie]

so happy you finally did an episode about ocd!! it’s such an isolating illness but i felt a little less alone when i found out you had it. i got diagnosed early last year and i totally agree about it bringing the most shame compared to other illnesses. i have a feeling it’s because it’s not only misunderstood by most people, but also because it’s very hard to romanticise compared to just general anxiety or depression. having the evil, deranged and mean intrusive thoughts is sooo real and so debilitating but it def gets a little easier when u realise they’re ego dystonic and u don’t even agree with them and reminding yourself that it’s literally a disease in ur brain makes it a little bit less agonising. it takes up SO much of my brain space too and i’m constantly wondering who i’d be and what my life would look like without ocd. i’ve only had it for a couple of years so i tend to mourn past me and what i was like before i started having symptoms, but my whole identity has definitely been encompassed by ocd recently. i also totally understand the rage/unfairness feeling because what do u mean people get to live their lives without ocd taking up 90% of their thoughts??? genuinely can’t imagine how free i’d feel not obsessing over unpleasantries every second of the day. the phrase “this thought doesn’t generate from my heart or my intentions” is genuinely so helpful as well as the advice to reroute ur thoughts. also completely get the feeling of being so fine criticising yourself (because unfortunately it’s just become normal) vs feeling like the thoughts you have about others makes you a bad person or means something about you (surprise! it doesn’t). i’m constantly feeling like i have to be extremely responsible and accountable about anything and i also dwell on everything to an insane degree. feeling like you HAVE to be perfect and morally good or you’re not worthy of being alive is def a symptom of ocd that i also struggle with so you’re not alone in feeling that way at all. not ever being able to come to a conclusion is also something i deal with. i used to be a HUGE people pleaser but i genuinely think i got ocd because of the fact that i let my boundaries be crossed/erased altogether, so i completely agree with the not letting other people treat u badly thing. i do that well enough on my own. get out of my house!!! this definitely has reached the right ears and those ears are very grateful that you talked about your experience with ocd in such depth. while i don’t deal with the contamination theme of ocd, everything else you said in this episode i found incredibly relatable so i hope you know you’re not alone and us ocd girlies have got ur back

[@shannondonnelly5746]

My love I feel the exact same way 💕 I have such a hard time with morality and would always “test” people by confessing every bad thing I did or thought and constantly switch between different OCD themes every day and it’s agonizing. I also have BPD which I found out recently which made things make even more sense. Even though I feel so good that I finally know why I’ve been struggling so much it feels super invalidating whenever anyone brings up what they struggle with to relate to me because I constantly feel like you just have absolutely no idea how deep this feels for me :( and I’m so high functioning no one can understand what it’s like because I hide it well. I’ve been doing art recently and it’s been the most helpful especially drawing how my mind feels when I’m having an episode it releases something! Hope you’re doing well on your journey 💕 we’re not secretly evil!!! We got this!!

[@edwinabrodie]

it's so tough :(( i’m so sorry you know how i feel because i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. i can’t imagine how difficult your life must feel with bpd as well so i really feel for you. i’m the same in terms of high functioning which i feel like is both a blessing and a curse. on one hand, you’re still able to go out into the world and seem okay but you’re constantly fighting a battle in your brain that feels like it’s making the world around you so small, and nobody sees that. it’s so hard to ask for help with ocd too, especially with more taboo themes, which means a majority of us go without help or even a diagnosis for the longest time. i like art and have been thinking of doing something creative to keep my mind occupied so i’ll definitely have a look into that! i hope you’re doing well too and exactly! we’re not evil at all, our brains are just against us most of the time but we can do this!

[@denarendall]

I feel this way about my ED. Like I physically cannot comprehend the fact that people are out here thinking about things other than what their body looks like, what they ate yesterday, what they ate on this day last year, what they’ll eat next, whether certain foods are still safe, etc. It takes up probably 85% of my thinking power, no exaggeration. It’s in everything I do, and has been since I was a child. I cannot see my world without it! Same thoughts say in and say out, no resolutions or revelations. No desire to change it either, because it feels safe. I have never been in a relationship or anything close, and don’t think I ever will be. I really struggle with maintaining friendships. I simply do not have the mental capacity. So many opportunities I’ve missed out on or won’t even consider because if I were to take them I wouldn’t be in control of my food and exercise habits.

[@mishcats]

literally same 🫠 to think abt how my brain will never be the same bcs of my ed :(((

[@user-np8yf8fj2w]

oh man, it might sound harsh but that isn’t normal at all, you deserve to be free of that

[@denarendall]

@@user-np8yf8fj2w oh I 10000% know it’s not normal! But that’s my point. When you have disordered behaviours, you can often see that they aren’t rational or healthy, but it doesn’t make it any easier to change them!

[@theelliad]

honestly this video and the comment section has made me tear up! it’s so easy to feel alone and insane with OCD and I have never felt so understood as I do reading experiences with so much in common with my own! My brain is a terrifying place to be and that’s so hard for people to understand- OCD isn’t pretty, it isn’t organisation and perfection, it’s chaos and destruction, it’s intrusive thoughts that would make people feel sick if they could hear them, it’s causing harm to yourself because your brain thinks it’s the only way to keep the people you love safe. Videos like this are so important to help others understand that, but also for me to remember I’m not doing this on my own and there are people who understand 😭❤️

[@illloveualways1]

I literally started tearing up because of how relatable this video was 🥺

[@eviewevie1717]

So good to see more people talking about the reality of OCD. Been watching your videos for awhile and always understood/ related to some of the thingys you said I just assumed you already knew you had ocd cus it was so obvious to me

[@nicollerodriguezz]

I appreciate you talking abt ocd so much, I never knew I had ocd until it was brought up to me by friends/family. I have anxiety so I thought it wasn’t ocd just anxiety as well. Lately, I’ve been thinking of my ocd as my intrusive thoughts that I rather sleep through than listen to my own self in my head talking about it. I also did leave therapy so it’s much worse now. Thank you for speaking on this !!!

[@owensspace]

Your best friend loves you and won’t mind your OCD. Hopefully they watch this video because there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You have such an amazing personality!

[@chwlsn]

Pretty Lonesome is my fav time of the weekkkkk. Ty Madeline for being so vulnerable ❤❤

[@1231amandamarie]

Thank you for always opening up and being so authentic and vulnerable. I hurt for how much you suffered to get to where you are, and how much more you have to battle on a day to day basis because of your roster. But I am also so thankful that you are all of those parts. It’s what makes you so unique and beautiful. You are exactly who you are meant to be, and exactly where you are meant to be, and I’m so thankful for you.

[@basiakowalska6712]

i literally never clicked on a video faster. i also have been struggling with contamination ocd for years now and it's crazy how similar your story is to mine, like i've also had to skip school, i lost all my friends and have wasted so much time on compulsions and ruminating, and i'm constantly wondering what it'd be like to live without ocd and how far ahead i'd be in life both professionally and socially if i didn't have it. i'm so so thankful you shared your experience cuz i feel so lonely and misunderstood all the time and it really means a lot to me to know im not the only one going through this hell

[@Alex-id2mg]

Always comforted by your openness on this, thank you

[@sophiec7156]

i’m really proud of you Madeline ♥️ the little girl you talk about really shines through in you still now

[@pedrogaspar10]

For folks curious about the breathing technique mentioned at 48:37, in Yoga it's called Nadi Shodhan Pranayama or alternate nostril breathing. It's great for calming down!

[@Jeessicahart]

feel so seen rn 😩 would love to see a full episode on emetaphobia too💘

[@bonniebond5083]

This is THE MOST INCREDIBLE VIDEO EVER! And exactly how I feel too!!! Thank you so much for sharing I wish I could download and watch whenever I start spiralling. Thank you so much for sharing your truth❤

[@EmilyMarchand-s3s]

You articulate so many things that I feel exactly how they are its crazy i feel like im watching myself think and knowing someone else feels the same is total therapy please never stop talking about it you really help so many people

[@emily847]

Roster referring to my mental health has now become a part of my vocabulary

[@spreadluv2424]

I doubt this will help but I had severe anxiety and I missed so much of my high school missing school. And missing school added to my anxiety. I’m older now and I look back and totally wish I would’ve taken time off like you did. Just saying I understand the looking back and wishing. Luckily I did what you’re doing and making up for adventuring in your 20’s. You eventually figure it out. Stray true to your form, always.

[@lucymax2178]

Her mic and camera quality has gotten so much better

[@starlouise397]

And the car 🎉

[@M-Kathlene]

Hey madeleine, the dwelling and constantly feeling shame, and being uncomfortable with not being perfect, is part of ocd. When you get a bad thought and feel the need to dwell on it as punishment to undo it, that’s another type of compulsion- just to let you know! Most people recommend that you do something to distract yourself from dwelling but it’s very hard :(

[@nihachus9200]

convenient timing! i watched turtles all the way down last night and i’d say the movie was probably a accurate representation considering the main character experienced a lot of how you’re explaining it

[@InfinityOnRhi]

That’s because it was written by someone with ocd

[@solis653]

Love this ! ❤ more education and awareness of OCD is needed. Particularly lesser known subtype *PURE O* and it's types. Shit would save lives 🙌❤️

[@xu33e]

sending love to all my fellow phobia sufferers, people often don't get it, but its so real how bad it fuckin sucks. it gets better and you can do it❤❤

[@sofiafulvi6962]

this is the best kind of content you bring, I love these deeps talks

[@caro5620]

your anxiety/fears make me think of the book “many lives many masters” it’s about past life regression therapy (i know you mentioned a psychic talking about a traumatic past life before) but your symptoms remind me of the people who’ve really benefitted from it

[@gemcockrell]

I know someone with OCD but they won’t stop telling themselves that they’re fine even though deep down they know they have it 😢 they’re refusing to get help even though they need it. But then their thoughts and behaviour are impacting everyone around them, we want to help but they won’t let us. I wish they had your mindset of wanting to know what life is like once those thoughts aren’t taking up 80% of their capacity but they’ve just accepted that’s how their life is

[@Mayam07]

How can someone describe and explian your personality, your mental state and your life in a podcast. Maddy i feel you.❤❤❤❤❤

[@vlogs_bymia]

i love madeline so much she’s so real

[@megheary4370]

I loved this so much. I’m completely undiagnosed but our panic attacks manifest the same. When I feel stuck (aka airports and airplanes) Im almost certain to have a panic attack. And the feeling of thinking you are going to vomit but knowing you’re not is so consuming and violent. But god forbid you think about any of these things actually happening because now they absolutely will. Ugh.

[@BiancaEliza-vx5ns]

Aw, I was waiting for Madeline Monday😞😭 -I’m ok, it’s straight I love you, hope all is well sunshine !🦋

[@thegeminiprincess]

I’m giving you a big hug Madeline 🤍 I can relate to a lot of things that you’re experiencing. You aren’t alone, I know it doesn’t help when you’re in the worst moments. You are separate from the labels and what you think is an illness…at the end of the day, your ocd and anxiety makes you Madeline. You’re gonna be okay, I’m gonna be okay, we’re gonna be okay! 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

[@manuela.c21]

Madeline this is the first time I've heard someone talk about something soo relatable that unfortunately takes a lot of my time as well. I got significantly better than the last few years witch were a nightmare up until I figured out what was going on( I even had to leave my job because of OCD). I often saw that people around me couldn't fully understand what was going on with me as they never seen or experienced before. On a side note tho now I have 2 jobs and I'm able to manage my OCD really well. Now I can do most of the stuff I was afraid to do up until last years. I still have a long way to go but I'm grateful for the way I am now and how far I've come. I hope everyone who goes through this finds healing and knows that they are not alone.

[@Mayam07]

Never heard anything so relatable.Love you maddy❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@pamelafzo]

This was so helpful and comforting to watch, I feel less alone in this. Thank you 🩷

[@ladybug15933]

with the dizziness it might be not getting enough water or food! You need to be eating the correct amount of calories for the stimulants to work correctly. When you fuel correctly the dizziness with subsidies soooo much. Be careful💕

[@tay3831]

The things we do over and over that don't go against our morals that we do to make ourselves more comfortable are also compulsions unfortunately 😭❤️

[@elijahlawson8428]

you come through when i need you most💖

[@clubmateandbooks]

thank you for sharing that, it’s really interesting to hear you talk about personal stuff

[@Liiiliiiiaaaa]

okay, before the video i thought i was crazy (I still think I am crazy, but a little less). thanks for sharing such an important theme. it is really not that common thing to talk, because really feel shame about it

[@Jazmynesymonee]

I feel you completely!! I also suffer from emetophobia. I can’t even say it without feeling weird.

[@kas-b5v]

Babe wake up , Madeline argy just released a video 🥹💗

[@nicollerodriguezz]

I love every Monday because of you

[@crispypotato4523]

i have emet and a germ phobia too and i think the moment i realised no one else thinks the same way as me was when covid hit and people were talking about how they never had thought of germs on door handles and the need to sanitise after touching them, when it’s literally second nature to me i don’t even think about it

[@MK3_777]

“I didn’t think I had anxiety. I thought I was just 🪦ing” so real 🤣

[@kittymountfield5007]

Ok now I know why I loved her from the first video.

[@nixieloukas8856]

crying at you talking about the 'what would have been' question :(

[@selaaleman1777]

i nominate madeline as president of the neurodivergents

[@alexiswiese6908]

thank you so much for talking about how rerouting thoughts has helped you!! super inspiring for me.

[@thaliadiaz3272]

I get into panic mode when I feel like I’m the one who is going to throw up 😭 I think it’s the lack of control.

[@kalieweisbeck9181]

I have emetephobia too the ocd that comes with it is crazy 😭 i would avoid clubs, fairs am constantly scanning places incase anyone is sick💀

[@patrickrad1735]

I try to forget about the past because it just brings back skary memories of my past

[@patriciakelly1887]

never related so much thankyou for sharing i hate it when people think ocd you have to do things a certain way like stop

[@cansbanans]

this video made me feel so heard and understood wow. thank you, we got this

[@sophiaisabelle01]

We appreciate your insights. Keep working hard.

[@rosabarrios7048]

Girl i love u so much this is so helpful thank u for being honest u are my literal salvation

[@patrickrad1735]

I fully understand because when I was sick I couldn’t breathe in the dark in the past of 2021 Aug I had to go to the light 💡 so I feel better and safer

[@CC-oe1zu]

thank you for this video. ❤ i have tourette's and likely OCD and i just feel so much less alone

[@ashhhley31]

hope you’re doing well madz i love you

[@itskuph1744]

you should read obsessed by allison britz. its a memoir about her experience with ocd and it sounds extremely similar to your experience (just more extreme). not the greatest book but it did help me realize some things

[@84LA84]

Omg I’m the exact same but I didn’t realise it was OCD 😨 my brain has the same conversations everyday and obsessive thoughts too… Gosh even the not forgiving myself for hurting someone months and years later 😫

[@lexie4571]

I can totally relate and I’m so glad that I found out you have OCD too. Because you are so lovely and so beautiful and such a sweet soul- somehow it makes me feel more normal. I’m sorry though that we are both suffering with this. My timeline is the same mine got the worst around 13-14 to 16. I also wonder what I could be capable of if I wasn’t obsessing and fighting my brain so much.

[@AlexRoshanStewart]

Thank you for making this. I feel seen somehow.

[@alexiswiese6908]

15:41 “I just can’t perceive a world where I have enough time in my head to think about other things.” “That’s not fair.”

[@Emilysarahmerritt]

Binging all your podcasts and U upload a new one🥹🥹🫶🏻

[@freedomandease]

Emetophobia...me too which makes a whole bunch of other things very scary like being on an airplane

[@SHRIYAGHOSH-z5e]

The eye gauging part got to me . I didn't know that thinking of ways i could die is a part of OCD. I thought I'm just a very negative person.

[@Adrianeworthing]

please read a medical medium book I promise you it sounds whack but all these symptoms will make sense. mine have gotten so much better without meds - there’s certain food & supplements your brain needs.

[@briefatima8445]

You look so good these days omg

[@itwaslegendari]

im so proud of u madz

[@marianneelneser123]

This is so real ily

[@gush9348]

Yes , you did help me to understand somethings. I have some one who I love with Autism, verbal communication is very poor, now I can see what's is going on.. Thanks much!!

[@ashlynnpaige9182]

The image of your sister reaching towards your face/glasses like that is straight out of a horror movie 😳

[@hugo.V.1302]

15:58 so true I feel this way abt my Tourettes and anxiety (Tourettes mostly). I genuinely forget other people don't have small twitches 24/7. like wdym u can js sit still perfectly without at least making a grimace or blinking aggressively??

[@SassyL62]

I lost my mother to homicide and spent years spiraling going on and on thinking about allll the WHAT IFs and the hypotheticals..it was FRUSTRATING. Felt as if I was picked up and placed into another reality. utterly and uncomfortably unbearable. It felt like nails scratching on a chalkboard the more I restated my life and clung onto how things could have turned out differently…

[@adrianburciu2744]

I'm really sorry to hear you went through such a sad and tragic experience. Have you had any therapy or were you ever recommended it? Talking to someone can really help.. and if you feel it doesn't then you need to try another therapist till you find the right person for you.

[@Dulcie286]

I love this channel x

[@ashiasimone98]

The part 20:46 about knockly knees is so relatable oh my gosh

[@SassyL62]

What ifs are a big thing for those of us with ocd

[@patrickrad1735]

I fully agree

[@shaundavis7705]

Pretty lonesome! I’m here

[@RachhhS]

Thanks for sharing queen u get it

[@SassyL62]

Ive always had OCD. Growing up I would count in my head the lines on the sidewalk.. did the light switch flicker thing for a while too. After losing my mom I spiraled and Tourette’s got amped up.. now I twitch more when I’m alone and not just my head but I tense up every limb 😞 It was so hard navigating the sudden loss of my mother, the most important person in my life. I haven’t really been able to distinctly identify what an intrusive thought is really bc i’ve been like this all my life it just seems normal..

[@jordanskyfinding7767]

Thank you❤️

[@linn1212]

I have never met anyone with the EXACT SAME thought process and mental struggle as me its insaneeeee

[@vincenzamarrazzo2946]

Nice video, thank you for being honest and sharing

[@meghanathota3136]

The way I’m terrified for this girls life when she’s in the woods😅 I’m like God keep her safe

[@ADotEnby]

i feel terrifyingly seen. I didn’t realize not everyone had a thought and then immediately was like ?? why would i ever think that? that’s so horrible. I’m bad but i’m not bad?? my brain just hates me??? I need therapy stat.

[@victoriasalexa]

i don’t have ocd, but i do have a bfrb (body focused repetitive behavior) and it consists of excessive cheek biting. sometimes i wonder how i’d be if i’d never developed this:/

[@Spiderw_b]

please read watch turtles all the way down it is about a girl with a similar situation to germs

[@alexpilgrim8248]

Just subbed! Love your openness!

[@StephenBelcher-sr3zk]

“ Two Commando Closed❤

[@Dante-fe6dm]

do i automatically find it alarming that she self-diagnosed? yes. does she have ocd? absolutely, lol.

[@AyaanMahamed-de2pi]

Ocd adhd,ed,anxiety, introvert 😢

[@j6nnah]

love ya girlll

[@lloydjr91]

The String on the Sweatshirt is triggering my OCD...LMAO..pull it off 😅😅

[@gracie.laineee]

i so feel like you and emma chamberlain would get along so well also love love love you

[@rosabarrios7048]

Omg yes the marriage and kids part

[@Aima-uh4co]

The real question is did Madeline ever get her crepe? 🙃❤️