making friends when you have autism

Let's talk about friendships. I talk about some of the different problems autistic people face when making friends, including social battery, body language, the different stages and more!
Please like, subscribe if you haven't already and leave a comment below! :)
Subscribers: 506

[@AmandaSbarros]

I always screw up friendships for not knowing the stages we are in. Now, i just stay in the most shallow stage to protect myself. I don't want to share anything about me anymore.

[@darceylauren]

I try to go off vibes with people about whether I share things or not, but I’m an honest person so I will just share a lot straight away and if they don’t want to associate then it’s their loss! I’m still struggling with the whole knowing if they want to be my friend or not tho 😅

[@ashleymcfadden3151]

I have one friend to

[@wigglyfruit4708]

So others do this too!

[@smartsmartie7142]

I did that too but broke down completely a year ago. I am a guy but I mask extremely well, just finding out I have a lot of autistic traits.

[@Jacoby_T08]

Highly relatable

[@taghiabiri3489]

I had always just one friend at the time. They were my best friend, I never forgot them. At the same time I was never their best friend I guess.

[@merbst]

Just like me

[@rodrigoferreiramagalhaes3828]

I completely relate to this

[@mariezguitar5029]

I think it’s easier to make friends when you surround yourself with others who share your special interests. One expression that I find helpful is that sometimes people are friends for a reason, a season, a lifetime. So you might have some people who are friends with you because you’re all going through a situation and so you bond for that reason. These people may or may not evolve into a deeper friendship. Then there are others who share something for a long time. A good example is moms in the neighbourhood who have children the same age. If there are other common interests, those friendships may evolve. But if there isn’t other commonalities, then when your children graduate and move away, the mom groups often dissolve. This is friendship for a season. Either of the first two groups or even random people who don’t seem to have anything in common can become a lifetime friend. These ones are rare. These are the people you can call at 3:00 am and they will answer the phone. Those friends are one or two in a lifetime. Neurotypical people tend to call everyone friends but those people are more likely acquaintances, reasons and seasons people. Neuro-diverse people are only really interested in the lifetime type, the kind who don’t even feel like people, the kind you can sit in silence with. So I keep the phrase reasons, seasons and lifetime in my head. That way, I’m less often offended by the shallowness of a conversation. Some people go to deep conversations quickly, those are more likely to be the lifetime people.

[@kleinereverie8763]

As a woman just recently diagnosed with autism, I totally relate. You video is an honest, truthful experience. Thanks for sharing.

[@EForrest88]

Male, 35, only figured out I’m autistic 12 months ago - it has answered so much about my life and how I am that it’s frankly upsetting how much of my life I now know I have struggled through. Discovering the vibrant support community online has been so great, just hearing others with the same issues is vindication in itself

[@CuteCatsofIstanbul]

Great video! Human friendships are sooo tough. It starts with making friends, I have this deep feeling I can't really word - I'm either ok around a person or I'm very anxious. And sadly it is rare when I am ok around a person. I've never understood why it is that way; why I'm ok-ish with one person, then I'm totally anxiety-ridden with another. Then meeting again, the exhaustion of human interaction, life changes etc. Thankfully the cats in Istanbul keep me company, they are my best friends. Life is very difficult in this country, yet my feline and canine friends keep me going, keep me happy.

[@Morpheus-pt3wq]

In my case, this subconscious anxiety around people turned into a narcissism detector.

[@wigglyfruit4708]

Oooh boy this is so relatable especially when you mentioned the whole not understanding the friendship stages. Been there. Also one other thing I think my autism does is makes the reality of situations super apparent and takes me out of finding them fun. Like I can immediately tell that a theme park is mostly cash grabs and a bunch of glitz and glamour for cheap trinkets and overpriced food. Or that parties are full of people getting horribly drunk and risky situations and way too much noise. Or eating out is just sometimes out of budget or hard to find food everyone wants to eat. Like this really kills the amount of things I want to do with people and makes it hard to find things to do so I can keep my friends around. 😅 I’m a homebody through and through.

[@novascotia8192]

I will start with saying that the topic, structure and analysis of your video was great. Although there is sincerity in my following comment, it is only said with an intention to interject a little humour. If you wear that sweater in public, you very well might attract the friendship of every autistic person. Mu autistic brain is so curious of it.

[@darceylauren]

I never realised 🤣 maybe that’s why it attracted me to buy it haha!

[@Krista-388]

I so appreciate you didnt edit out the part where im pretty sure you forgot what you were saying and had a few different facial expresssions and im so glad i noticed because it was really validating as I do this and usually im embarrassed. Also yes to wanting to punch people.

[@gabriellakittygamer]

I'm so glad your making videos again! Thank you for this video, you are so amazing and inspiring 💗

[@darceylauren]

Aww thank you!

[@janetlabilles2144]

Thank you Lauren for sharing your personal experience, about building relationship, authenticity, emotional regulation and various ways to communicate your intent to connect with people around you. I am a pediatric intervention provider, your platform is an opportunity for me to support neurodivergent clients as they navigate social relationship, including differences in social gestures or body language but not setting aside their individuality. You are such as unique and transparent person.I would like to hear and learn from you.

[@darceylauren]

Thank you so much! Lauren is my middle name 🤣 but thanks for the kind words :) I’m glad my videos help people in different ways!

[@tacobig]

i love this so much, you are so well educated on the differences between autism in women and men, something which is unfortunately really UNDERresearched (is that a word?). I am also autistic and this video helped me in so many ways, please keep doing what you are doing, the world needs more autistic women/queer people speaking out about their experience.

[@isabellammusic]

I can relate so much to this! I'm struggling to make friends and always have. During childhood I felt so left out in school and I didn't know how to connect to people. I wasn't interested in talking about the same things and I've realized I was dissociating because I had issues with eye contact and to talk to strangers. It's very hard for me to feel safe. It feels like everyone's judging me. I think that's the black and white thinking. I felt rejected because I was so different.

[@isabellammusic]

I also want to say I've been observing body language, facial expressions and social cues since I was very little and I wanted to change everything about myself to be accepted. I realized I'm Audhd at the age of 37 so I didn't understand this for a very long time. I got a burnout and identity crisis and that's when everything changed.

[@marywilson1709]

Thank you for this video! I can relate to a lot of this - especially wanting just one friend who doesn't have any other friends. I didn't realise other people had this issue!

[@maryhazlett]

This is my first video of yours. I'm stunned at how accurately you've described my experiences. You had me at the beginning when you talked about the stages of friendship, knowing what they are, but not understanding where you are in the stages. Like you, I meet someone, geek connected and then share/dump on them all of my deepest feelings. I'm 66, a retired F. And, i struggle with understanding how someone could need others in their life because of COURSE I should be their end all and be all! (sarcasm). Then I feel rejected. That's something I completely obsess about. The last little thing causes me to feel rejected. Thank you so much for this video.

[@TheUnoriginalOtaku]

Yeah, I remember when I tried seeking diagnosis, I was told “I don’t think you have autism because you want friends.” That was so frustrating.

[@VivekaAlaya]

oh god.. i'm 39 and what you said along 11 to 12min, about wether be total friend or get away because don't know if they like you resonates so well with me! tks for sharing

[@milkteamarwa]

about the social draining part, does it feel similar to you when you're engaging with people, the same people especially, online or are your limits for that different? it just hit me recently that social media IS socialising so it will have an effect on me too. i've taken a break from it and it has helped! but i can't figure out of it drains me as much as regular socialising. so i was wondering if other people have felt the same and found their limits with it

[@darceylauren]

Ooh that’s interesting! I haven’t thought about that before but I think there’s an element of draining from messaging people on social media for me maybe? I’m very bad at responding to people which I think could be due to feeling drained subconsciously but it definitely isn’t like in person, cos that also involves masking which you don’t really have to do on text

[@NFSMAN50]

Very informative video. Im also autistic, but a guy, these are all true. Decided to subscribe to your channel!! Thanks for sharing!

[@charlierewilding]

Found this super interesting and very relatable, thanks for sharing :)

[@justinhambidge8811]

Thanks for sharing, good video. I’m married with two children but still struggle with creating, maintaining friendships, and communication.

[@angiemac4662]

Hi, this video was really helpful for me. I'm considering just self diagnosing, and I had no idea friendships were such a big part of autism. I literally have no friends. I'm okay with it now, I'm 28, but it's always been confusing and your video was me to a T growing up 😭 I feel so seen

[@closeben]

Thanks for this video. Videos like this that I strongly relate to are helping me figure out that I should probably seek an assessment for myself, although it seems comlpicated and expensive where I live.

[@seanr521]

Thanks for doing this video i can relate to a good few things u said. I hope ur doing well :)

[@EamonWill]

This hurt to watch! This helped me to understand my struggles with socializing even when on the surface I seem to be really good at it.

[@lialialia9647]

You make so much sense to me

[@sensitiveyogatherapy]

Resonate a lot with this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts 🙏

[@tdesq.2463]

Excellent presentation! Thank You!

[@FluffyBuffy27]

I love the self awareness! Though I don't particularly enjoy the fact that autistic individuals are forced into this self awareness. I am autistic and have realized that I had to grow up faster than my peers in order to appropriately integrate into society.

[@darceylauren]

Crazy that you say this cos I’m having this issue at the moment, coming to terms with the whole ‘masking’ and fitting in with society! It’s making me feel lost 🫠

[@taghiabiri3489]

Very good video, thanks! I am 54 now and still it is the same for me.

[@sehbawakil2378]

Very true

[@StereodreieckRC]

Bodylanguage is easy, if you bought the right book and leaned the right things.

[@scipioafricanus5871]

08:01 Darcey Lauren: I'm sorry, I didn't know we had an Open Friendship???

[@johnfist6220]

I-I want to be your friend!

[@andrewgarcia6951]

❤

[@michaelvandenheuvel317]

more then special friend ? 🤣🤭🤫😉😘

[@FaeTae2014]

I’d rather have no friends at all than have an autistic friend, period.

[@valeriaswanne]

Mmmm pass. I'm good.

[@ghfudrs93uuu]

Fern Brady was so right. Hearing upperclass coddled women talk autism feels so hollow. After being abandoned by my mother as a child(as so many autistic boys are), having to physically fend off for myself again and again, spending half of my adult life on the brink of homelessness, having the rug pulled from under again and again, having almost all I have stolen by a woman who said she loved me listening to Patricia complain about how she's oppressed because she can't openly be obsessed with horses drives me crazy.

[@darceylauren]

So women who haven’t been homeless don’t deserve to talk about their autistic experience? Sorry you went through what you did but it has got nothing to do with autism or the point of my channel. There are women out there who have no idea they are autistic and that is detrimental in itself. It’s not a competition of who has it worse and I’ve never once claimed I have it worse than anyone else. Either way you have no idea about my life whatsoever or what I’ve gone through that I haven’t talked about on here. Just because I haven’t been through what you’ve been through doesn’t mean my own personal struggles aren’t valid. I’m simply telling my experiences so other women can relate and maybe realise why they feel different to everyone else. If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all keyboard bully :)

[@ghfudrs93uuu]

@@darceylauren "Sorry you went through what you did but it has got nothing to do with autism" Even tho Patricia had millions dumped into her education she can't interpret a simple text. "It’s not a competition of who has it worse and I’ve never once claimed I have it worse than anyone else" That's not at all how you gringas operate, and I have watched your channel, you're not different.

[@johnridout6540]

Perhaps this is not the channel for you.

[@darceylauren]

@@ghfudrs93uuu you make no sense. Get off my channel and do something with your life instead of winging to strangers

[@rosameijering5161]

​@@ghfudrs93uuuwhat is wrong with you. Just be honest if you have a jard time being empathetic and say that instead of being angry at other people suffering

[@analyticsystem4094]

I’ve always been passive with making friends. I never engaged in asking someone to be my friend, I just kinda waited for people to come ask me to be their friend. I’ve never been great at socializing so I just left friendship up to others so I didn’t accidentally screw it up. I’ve always been ‘the introvert adopted by a friend group of extroverts’ type of friend and I’m okay with that

[@celinameus4508]

THERE ARE LEVELS?!?! this would explain why I'm 30yo and completely alone..

[@Memymo-c8r]

Same. Levels of friendships is blowing my mind.

[@spence3415]

struggling soo hard with building new friendships in college right now. the only friends I have are my girlfriend and my best friend, and they're both autistic. i'm trying my best to reach out to these two guys that I have classes with but it's difficult. I'm very nervous about going too fast and scaring them off because it's happened a lot in the past.

[@syberphish]

"When you just met somebody you wouldn't tell them all your darkest secrets and true confessions and expect to be having sleep overs right away". ....Oops. Yeah once I decide I accept someone I let my walls down to them fully and it freaks people out.

[@surajkumar246_]

Thank you for making this video! It was very relatable particularly below points: 06:48 unless the other friends are already friends with you. 08:08 infact if anyone outside your friend group were to observe they might misunderstand friendship for a relationship which makes things worse. 13:12 this is exactly how I figure out if other person wants to keep the friendship going.

[@cal8416]

this is how I knew I found my best friend. we met online and two weeks later we were neckdeep in the trenches of our past trauma. he's autistic and I'm audhd.

[@VelvetKatOfficial]

Not knowing the stages of friendships is literally what broke me last year & it's the main reason I started therapy. There were 3 people that I invited to my birthday last year & none of them showed up. The next day, I went into deep depression. It was the darkest depression I'd ever been in. I lost my identity, lost interest in everything I loved, & needed medication for 6 months to get back to feeling like myself again. That was the 3rd year that I had invited people & no one came. It hurt. Recently, my therapist brought up that I could be autistic & is helping me get an assessment. I relate with every point you brought up. Past friends were my sisters friends or exes friends or classmates, but I always got attached quickly because they were nice & apparently as much as I thought I was giving, I wasn't giving/social enough. It really is overwhelming, tiring, & getting more difficult to mask in my 30s

[@First._.Last.]

I found this to be well-organized, clearly articulated and informative - I appreciate your insight.

[@maygardens-ey5pn]

Friends are over-rated and too often a trust liability that's not worth the risk. I'd say just find a good therapist if you need to talk about deeper things, otherwise keep it surface/casual and objective or activity-based. This is just my own opinion on the matter.

[@ergar90]

That could have been me talking. That was the most relatable video for me on KZbin.

[@helloneighbor9026]

I'm crying, I'm 21 and I have no friends

[@warrior100girl]

So true😢 .. I think I blew a lot people bc I just don’t understand these friendship levels

[@Ashley_Obscuro]

I'm a Trans woman and I relate to all of this. I remember years ago I was 'making friends' with a group of people and one of them mentioned to me that it was weird that people I met 5 minutes ago I treat like a lifelong friend. I made friends with fellow weirdos all the time. It was hard to make friends with anyone I felt was too normal. I don't even know what it is specifically but it just always felt like a barrier between me and most people where at best I could mimic behaviors at them to have a good relationship with them but I just never developed that switch from not really caring about someone to best friend.

[@slimesplash_wiz]

I've also always had only one close friend at a time, which I guess is bad because I was relying on them too much, if they couldn't be there I'd be completely alone, same for when our friendship ended. I guess it also places too much pressure on the other person, to be "the ultimate friend", I want to try keeping multiple connections in the future but it's so hard to find even one

[@Elsewhen404]

Are you ASD yourself? You could always try me, Autism is a weight I carry.

[@slimesplash_wiz]

@@Elsewhen404 I'm self diagnosed if it counts! if you want to chat I have a discord: slimesplash_art

[@slimesplash_wiz]

@@Elsewhen404 I'm self diagnosed if it counts! I'd like to chat, youtube doesn't let me share any links though

[@lauraholladay]

great video! I'd love to hear more thoughts on interpersonal stuff like how you feel about breaking into a current conversation. I'm often meek and that leads to people talking over me

[@ramune64]

I always assume i am NOT anyones friend unless i get explicit confirmation. I'm terrified to make that mistake again! Its much safer to be alone😂

[@darceylauren]

There will be people out there that don’t care and as long as you have one person, even if that’s a family member, it doesn’t matter! My partner is the same as me in this regard so he didn’t mind my immediate assumption that we were best friends from day 1 🤣

[@Elsewhen404]

Friendships are one difficulty of mine as well.

[@michaelvandenheuvel317]

Please

[@julielisanne]

I agree with almost everything! Except for that conversations with autistics are bad or one-worded :( I've had the best conversations with other autistics but maybe some autistics are like that

[@Elsewhen404]

I'm an Autistic myself, you could try conversing with me.

[@Henry-Higgins-1488]

no friends

[@morten2001]

Thanks for a very interesting video!👌 Please make a video about alcohol and autism too. Love to see your take on it😊

[@maggiewilder8856]

I can absolutely read people so far as if they're sheisty or unsafe, but do I have a clue if they think I'm cool or want to be my friend? Hell no, not a bit. As long as I'm outside looking in, and not a part of the interaction, I can read intentions and all that stuff so accurately. Maybe in my case part of my issue is how much thought I have to put into being in the interaction that I miss everything else.

[@angiemac4662]

Love it, thank you!!!!! I personally love move decks. Madame web is going to be wild

[@replicant_2049]

Interesting and very relatable video, thanks!

[@darceylauren]

Thank you!

[@sarahferrell5458]

Omg-im 57 and have never had anyone describe ME LIKE THIS BEFORE.

[@Christine83507]

I totally relate to this! Thanks for giving words to this challenging topic.

[@scipioafricanus5871]

On body language: When everyone around you is Daft Punk.

[@merbst]

I know exactly how you feel in every way.

[@rachelevans6711]

Thanks for this. Waiting for my ASD assessment. Any advice on what to do when friends don't return your messages?

[@justinhambidge8811]

This would be a good video. I do know that some neurotypical family/friends just don’t get back. Understanding social communication is hard. Have you opened up to them on how you may struggle with this?

[@thekajalflaneur]

Vibes!

[@julienfroidevaux1143]

Should we be in friendships ? I don't respect anybody whos not me but I respect them enough to stay away from them . God forbid a girl friend . Could it be just me ? ( Yes I am a beautiful snow flake.)

[@SimpleQuietLife]

Why does everyone in this young generation think they have autism?

[@darceylauren]

Because maybe they do? Autism wasn’t common decades ago because no one understood it back then. Also, the population is huge now so more people are going to have it. It’s a common disorder that is simply a difference in brain wiring and maybe it shouldn’t be a diagnosis anymore, since it is so common now. But that’s another discussion in itself. I’m just sharing my experience and if others relate and feel they have it too then at least they can understand themselves better and live a better more accommodating life. I’m SO happy you don’t have autism so you’ll never have to know what it’s like. Now get off my channel

[@johnridout6540]

That's simply not true. The majority of this young generation do not think they have autism. However; more people are being diagnosed and more autistics are talking about their experiences. 80 years ago autism was thought only to apply to boys with learning disabilities. Now we know that autism affects girls, women and men and that most don't have a learning disability. It is estimated that 1 to 2% of the population is autistic. The incidence of autism has not increased, diagnosis and awareness have.