What Every Therapy Client Should Know 08 - Start Positive Behaviors

In this video, I discuss the second step of emotional behavior change -- creating positive behavior patterns.
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*** A full transcript can be found at www.marblejar.net. ***
Hi, everyone. This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar Channel and this is the eighth video in a series where I share information that I think EVERY therapy client should know. In this video, I discuss the second step of emotional behavior change -- creating positive behavior patterns.
So, now we’ve talked about developmental behavior change, the key ingredient (emotional safety), and the first step, which is to break negative habits. Now, we’ll talk about the second step or how to create new positive behavior patterns. And again, this is developmental or emotional change, so we’ll be talking to your mammal brain. So, how do you get a scared puppy to try new things?
- Small steps - first of all, you need to take small steps. I remember when I was teaching my dog to ring the bell to indicate he wanted to go outside, I first rewarded him when he got NEAR the bell. So, not even touching it yet. If you start this process by wanting the puppy to ring the bell automatically, you are doing it wrong. Figure out the smallest step you can possibly take and master that first before moving onto the next step. Just the process of figuring out what a small step is can be challenging, so this is another area where help from a therapist could be valuable.
- Practice - Practice makes perfect. Do it again and again and again and again. And don’t just think about it, actually do it -- applying the WD-40 of emotional safety and regulation as you go. Think about how many times we have to get our dogs to sit before they can do it automatically on command. This applies to lots of other things including holding your tongue when you want to fix or be critical, getting rid of small things if you want to decrease clutter, or responding in a non-reactive way when someone makes you angry. Experience it over and over and over again until it starts to feel rote.
- Rewards - When you do something right -- reward yourself. Even if it’s just an atta boy. This is clearly used in dog training with tiny treats or positive clicks. We used to use M&Ms for my son when he was potty training. We all respond well to positive praise and positive strokes, so don’t be stingy. Give yourself a lot of credit for doing hard things, even when your critical voice tells you it should be easy.
- Accountability - I don’t know if you’ve ever had multiple dogs, but they teach each other the rules. The older dogs teach the younger dogs how things are done -- sometimes requiring almost no involvement from the humans. That pack mentality is useful for human behavior change also. There is a reason that Weight Watchers or Alcoholics Anonymous are among the more effective weight loss and alcohol abstinence programs -- a group of people holds members accountable for their actions. Make sure you find a group or partner who subscribes to “good coach” rules (refer back to Video 6 in this series). You certainly don’t need your mammal brain freaking out and not feeling safe or else none of this will work long-term.
- Motivation - This is more cognitive and less mammal brain, but if you ever start to lose sight of why you are trying to change -- go back to thinking about how you want to be. What do you want your life to look like? How do you want to be different? If your anxiety has made your life very small with few contacts, how do you want your life to be different? Can you imagine it? Envision that fuller, richer, more supportive life. If you can do this it can help to motivate you when your energy inevitably starts to flag. It is useful to keep these values, desires, and dreams present so that you have a tangible destination for when the going gets tough.
And that's it. To create new behavior patterns, take small steps, practice repeatedly, reward yourself, find a friend or group for accountability, and remind yourself of the future you want. And all the while, be a good compassionate coach to yourself.
Let me know what you think. Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching.

[@Pipsterz]

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