My Fiance's Mother Is Verbally Attacking Me Behind His Back r/Relationships

[@dougmartin2007]

For Story One - the mom felt okay sending those texts, because she thought she was right to do so. She is probably surprised at everyone's reactions.

[@Objective-Observer]

Yes, to a point. She is a narcissist and everything they do is 100% 'the right thing.' 2. However, they do know when they are doing something wrong or horrid, but they don't care, because they are more important than everyone else. They are above the Rules and even Laws. Of course what she did is wrong, but that doesn't apply to her, because she is special. 3. They also won't believe that their Victims will stand up for themselves. That rips the rug out from under them for about 30 seconds, then they double down with the abuse, until they get what they want. 4. Their Golden Child/Victim would NEVER side against them, because the Narcissist would never allow them to stand against them. Again, double down on the punishment, carefully balanced with just enough devotion to keep the Golden Child off balance; wanting the Love so much, but only getting it occassionally. THAT is why the Fiance did not shut his mother down forcefully at first; and he lived in denial that she actually stopped, because that is so much easier and peaceful, than trying to constantly, incessantly FORCE HER TO BEHAVE. Oh, he would have to do this every single day.

[@madhatter3994]

She definitely thought her son would side with her or op would still not say anything. It made mil very bold.

[@immapotato1]

it's more likely she knew OP wouldn't show him

[@dwilcox7706]

But also because she had gotten away with her verbal abuse for so long and OP was just a doormat for so long. So she thought she'd just continue to lay there and take it.

[@ElleD308]

Nope... she sent all that because after seeing that after months of torture, OP told no one, did no one, and basically bowed down and shivered alone, so she never once thought OP would have the spine to do something or show someone the texts. Moral of the story.... get a spine, don't let people step on you, and learn to communicate with the people you love.

[@willGObye]

"They dislike Paul because he can be controlling, insecure, and manipulative". I mean...those are perfectly valid reasons for not liking someone!

[@sugakookie7985]

OP sees the red flags but just ignores them madness

[@user-me7iw6ft8z]

Whenever a woman calls you that, it usually doesn't mean that you are "controlling, insecure, and manipulative" just that she can't come up with other insults

[@Ashbrash1998]

I don't think she was arguing in Paul's defense lol

[@bunnyslippers191]

Story 2: OP's description of the classic "Nice Guy™" is *perfect!*

[@Domino365]

When I was listening to that part, I yelled, "Spill that tea, girl!"

[@ThePutativeFrosty]

I mean I have had an physically abusive ex in the past and I am a man. My gf (who is fucking amzing best woman I ever met) knows that even play fighting puts me off and can make me angry. She knows if she ever hit me I might hit back. I have never hit a woman in my life nor have I been in a fight but I have no interest in people hitting me, I give them two warnings and have never had to reach the second warning. So when I was listening to that it honestly really pissed me off. I do whatever i can for my gf but i do not tolerate physical or emotional abuse at all

[@maury3733]

Yes! 😅😅

[@Nathan_Bookwurm]

Story 2: They were attacking the wrong person. They should've asked Paul to help making lunch instead. The only thing that blows my mind is how people could meet their in laws for the first time at their engagement parties. Did you really not find any time in the first years of dating to meet his family a single time?

[@MorganVsTheInternet]

YEP! Or the SIL should've asked him to come inside if she was going to act like a harpy!

[@RockyGems]

My mom didn't meet my dad's parents until nearly a year after the wedding! Fortunately it all worked out well.

[@carolw24]

Sounds like they don't live near each other, which is probably best. This family reminds me of my ex in-laws. They were Asian and wanted my husband to have an Asian wife, so made my life miserable.

[@srkh8966]

My parents met my husband after we were engaged. They fell in love with him immediately-which is annoying because they always take his side

[@WobblesandBean]

I can't understand why this guy hasn't gone NC with his family for treating OP like garbage, or insists that she come along to these gatherings despite knowing they hate her.

[@natcourt8719]

That comment about how OP is AH because the parents 'paid for everything'. Sheesh! Don't pass judgement on things you're making up lol

[@slick8086]

Second story: they didn't want her in the kitchen to talk, they wanted her away from Paul (because his wife is insecure) and where they could "keep an eye on her." Clearly they were being assholes to her and you can't call her an asshole for avoiding them.

[@jaycehoward2771]

They all sound terrible to be honest. She talks to the guys that is manipulative and controlling and basically abusive and those are her words but the wife is just insecure for no reason. The OP is just as bad as the rest and the wife might be the most innocent cause she sounds like she is in a terrible situation with an abusive partner but let's all overlook that lol

[@ArcaneNim]

​@Jayce Howard If Paul was that bad but she's willing to talk to him, imagine how much worse the others are.

[@missesLMA]

In my culture women hang out together (in the kitchen or elsewhere) as a means to bond and chit chat. OP is actively trying not to hang out with her MIL and SIL when they were trying to bridge a gap. OP is the AH for not trying to form any sort of relationship with the in laws and she really seems like she looks down on them.

[@slick8086]

@@missesLMA Why are you applying your culture to this situation? OP already said that those women don't like her, so they were NOT "trying to bridge a gap" You are ignoring the fact that she already did try to form a relationship and they treated her badly. Avoiding people who treat you badly is not being an asshole.

[@missesLMA]

@@slick8086 I’m just pointing out that western customs and cultures aren’t the only ones out there. I fail to see where she pointed out her attempts at having a civil relationship with her in laws.

[@autumn557]

I like how a commentor assumed OP had a free vacation and just didn’t want to talk to them. Where in the whole story did she imply they paid for her? But of course, assumptions abound. I think OP has tried in the past, felt shunned and gave up. Which I don’t blame her for. I won’t try either if I feel iced out. But they’re also mad that she’s interacting with someone else and still having a fine time so she’s not groveling for acceptance. I like her stance of “I just don’t give a crap”

[@averycheesypotato]

I kind of wonder if that comment came from a nice guy… OP specifically called out her BiL’s behaviour when he expects to be paid for, so they accused her of not paying her way?

[@28cotton32]

My only thing is this your sitting out at the pool talking to someone else's husband but you won't even talk to me that's my thing you not going to sit out and sunbathing with my husband but you can't have a two-minute conversation with me I wouldn't say she was out there flirting don't try to make this into a trust issue is just that you can't talk to me you don't need to talk to him

[@crazycat58]

I think the saying, "Take no shit, but do no harm." applies here. MIL had passed the point of just being a jerk a long time ago. She got what she deserved.

[@gregjayonnaise8314]

S1: OP needs to realize that avoiding communication as to not “ruin” the mom’s relationship with her son is doing the fiancé no favors, either. OP was trying to avoid conflict by leaving, but if the fiancé had eventually moved onto another woman, MIL would treat that woman the exact same way! Nothing would get resolved, and fiancé would likely cut her off eventually or continue this unhealthy dynamic. I’m glad they talked this out.

[@whims6278]

Stiry 1 NTA- heres the thing- OPs bf needs to understand that his mother will treat ANY woman he dayes like this. So he needs to be aware of that and protect his current or future partners from his mothers abuse. My bff had a bf like this and we were JUST talking about it yesterday. I just sent her the link to this video actuality 😆

[@agentzapdos4960]

Nah, he should just go back to Mommy and stop trying to date. He's not willing to cut her off forever, so...

[@0potion]

Yeah but how's he supposed to understand that if hes already unmeshed and the one person that he might actually listen to his fiance decided to To just fucking anything without ever actually speaking to him about it. My read of this situation is that everyone is the asshole here.

[@vanzy01]

💯👍🏿

[@mikef2811]

I am shocked that the mom did not marry her own son.

[@MarkNarrations]

I'm right here wishing you a FABULOUS day ahead!

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

You too m8 much love and have a lovely weekend 💜💜🤗🤗

[@vernell2601]

Have a great weekend Waffle King!

[@MarkNarrations]

@@vernell2601 I forgot it's Friday! You have a wonderful weekend too

[@dinobotsc2017]

Have a great day as well

[@FriedaMMartin]

I hope you do too

[@AndyyWithAY]

Story 2 seems like OP was the wronged party here. If a woman wants to cook and do homemaking, that's great, but that should be solely her choice. It really pisses me off when families try to force the women folk to serve everyone. NTA

[@mage1439]

Op was not eating, but I'm guessing Paul was. But it was never a thought to ask Paul to help.

[@whatevermightwork]

I’m going to disagree. The entire store strikes me as involving an international family, which obviously means different cultures and different expectations. If someone is too arrogant to show a minimal amount of respect for the family and their culture by helping a little in the kitchen then she’s in the wrong. I married a woman from another culture and often had to participate in things that I really didn’t want to do in order to respect and be respected by her family. She sometimes has to step outside her normal rules for my family. But we had enough respect for each other and our respective families to happily step into foreign cultures.

[@Kris-wo4pj]

@@whatevermightwork dude they were only there on a vacation on OP's and her husband's dime. OP doesnt have to cook esp for a meal shes not eating. If anyone tried to make me cook when they were only at a place on my time and i'm letting them eat my food for a meal im not eating as well i'd tell them to get out and no they dont get to take the food with them. I know in most cultures acting like a whipped dog to your in laws is the default and we pretend its respect when its not its submission but people need to grow a pair when they're in the right. which the husband did. also its not an international relationship youre projecting. Its class difference. They dont like having to cook even if its not for OP cuz they grew up poor in a ghetto probably and OP grew up in the burbs. Poor people are just as judgemental if not more so than rich people. they hate when other poor people get money and they hate middle class people for having more than them. the funny part is they idolize the rich cuz they have more than them. i grew up poor ya learned to tell those judging ya to stop being a judgy bitch and stay in their lane. thats when MIL and Sil needed to do say thanks for the vacation and free food have Paul's lazy ass help them cook and just enjoy themselves or else husband might pull the plug.

[@SidereusOfTheFallen]

@@whatevermightwork you are just assuming here. Nowhere does OP mention being from different cultures, and even if that was the case, the HUSBAND should have explained the expectations to her, and the family too. Plus, their reaction has NOTHING to do with culture clashes and everything to do with trying to order OP around and when she doesn't obey they'll try to turn her husband against her and accuse her of cheating. This isn't people being offended, these are assholes with no excuse.

[@lynnw7155]

@@whatevermightwork If people truly had respect for each other's cultures, they wouldn't expect others to follow THEIR cultural traditions.

[@threeducks157]

Op and fiance need to hit the breaks on the marriage... they need serious help with communication before even thinking of getting married.

[@ginathecookie]

Yeah And they need therapy. Individual, mostly. The mother put them through so much. Past Update Edit: Glad they communicated and are now in therapy

[@venusgreen2402]

Story 2: If I were her, I wouldn't be spending time with any of those people. Its not just the fact that her conversations with these people are one note but also the fact that these people seem toxic, especially Paul with the way she describes him, how are you gonna have better talks with a giant red flag like that??!!?!? There's no way this isn't the first time something like this happened considering how the husband reacted, and justifiably so. Good on him for having her back, but I think they need to distance themselves from his side of the family for a while....

[@lindaomoefe4156]

Story 1. It is annoying when a victim is blamed for destroying the relationship between mother and son when it is the mother that broke it by her lonesome self by being mean and vicious to her son's partner while pretending to be in good terms with the son's partner in front of her son.

[@melsoft121]

Story 1: I was the grandkid in a situation similar to this…i reminded my dad’s mom of my mother, so the abusive behaviour carried over to me fairly quickly. They finally went NC when I had the audacity to be excited about accomplishing something I found challenging and trying to tell my dad in front of his mom. I dealt with “subtle” abuse for 12 years because my mom and I were trying to protect my brother and dad’s relationship with dad’s parents. It never stops at the future DIL.

[@albertgongora6944]

Dude I'm happy that the original poster and her future husband were able to communicate with each other and finally he was able to see how terrible his mother was and went no contact with her for the sake of the original poster to truly shows how much he loves and cares for her and I hope he keeps it that way because we seen time and time again that's some spouses can't withstand going that long without their mothers fathers and other family member that they're so close with and they end up turning on the original poster so I really hope you know things stay the way they are between the original poster and her future husband later on down the line but rather than that I wish them nothing but the best going forward and a great life together

[@WobblesandBean]

Punctuation is a thing, please use it, it's free after all.

[@albertgongora6944]

Look no disrespect towards you but I find it concerning that it bothers you this much to make this about me and not the story that we both just listen to and the way I spelled things bothers you then dude you need literal therapy cuz something as small as this shouldn't be bothering you

[@TheMusicalVlog]

@@albertgongora6944 it's so funny to read comments that have no punctuation, in my head they sound like they're saying everything very loudly and very fast 😂

[@wmdkitty]

Wow, no. OP is isolating her fiance, and is inventing this "badmouthing" problem to justify it.

[@albertgongora6944]

LOL not going to lie I have dyslexia due to the years of battling the cancer so I was held back from school and it didn't help that my mom was not the best parent either the only good. I had in life that did try to make my education a lot more better with my dad but sadly my good old mom wanted him in prison so that's why I'm not the best speller

[@KCohere33]

If she had done nothing and said nothing, the mother would be verbal abusing her for the entirety of their relationship and probably even their eventual children. Maybe all these people telling her she was wrong got to her, but there was nothing better for her to do than to alert her fiancé to what his toxic mother is doing to her. And yeah, I want to know what happened at the cafe too 😂

[@ShotgunsAndSalt]

I hate "YTA.... to yourself" judgements, because it's a really victim-blamey way of approaching the situation.

[@JennRighter]

Depends. I’m not sure which story you’re referring to. But if you are even on Reddit asking for advice about a MIL or future in laws, yeah, you’re the AH to yourself. It’s not your problem to deal with, it’s your partner’s family and they are solely responsible for dealing with it. You shouldn’t have to ask the internet to know that. Victim blaming should be used when it applies. People do play extreme victim in many of these Reddit stories. It gets tiresome. Grow up and stand up for yourself and understand that marriage and kids isn’t the end all beat all. Be able to be okay by yourself and don’t settle for a partner that won’t stand up for you against his or her own family. That should be a deal breaker, not a turn to Reddit for advice scenario.

[@lina9535]

I don't like them either. Or comments that judge based on other things rather than what was asked in the "I want judgement for this" thing. For example, the woman who had stayed and begged the bf for marriage for 25 years. She wanted to know if she was the AH for rolling her eyes at his proposal. Yet most replies were "YTA for not leaving". That's not what she asked. I think that if they feel they "need" to leave a "YTA to yourself", do it as the "Y T A" instead, and just give the "real" judgement

[@ShotgunsAndSalt]

@@lina9535 Yeah I agree with this 100% like YTA to yourself doesn't mean "you are in the wrong here" which is the point of the sub. Also: your guinea pig is cute

[@unholysporkable]

Story 2 - why they didn't call Paul into the kitchen would likely be the fact that either he wouldn't go I, or he WPULD go in but sit down and get in everyone's way demanding to "taste test" the food and basically just be a douche and take up space. He would very catered to either way, because he is a Nice Guy who Means Well (tm) and that is their customary way of dealing with him.

[@juliamiller2299]

Story one, I am sure their meeting went according to the Narcissist's prayer; The Narcissist's Prayer That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. Her MIL probably just justified every nasty thing to OP and made them realize that she would never change.

[@jackspring7709]

Story 1: OP - both you and your fiance could benefit from therapy. Good luck with the future.

[@shizanketsuga8696]

19:24 Quite obviously that commenter's favourite sport is jumping to conclusions.

[@eldeano9964]

That's reddit baby

[@shizanketsuga8696]

@@eldeano9964 Yep, and the AITA subreddit in particular.

[@TortoiseNotTurtle]

Yeah where did that even come from? It's like they weren't even reading the text/question and vaulted straight to "you're a freeloader who never talks to anyone" wild

[@eldeano9964]

@TortoiseNotTurtle it's called projection, what most pRedditors don't understand about life is that your experience may differ.

[@NoOne-fo1di]

I really hope OP sent a text saying "wow if I'd known I could have gotten rid of you that fast I'd have shown your son your messages from the start"

[@lorianabanana6066]

2nd story- I hate when people assume I can/should be the cook/maid/babysitter because I have girl bits. In reality I'm a pretty medicore cook. My partner and I live off of easily prepared food like frozen meals, sandwhiches, cereal, spaghetti, eggs & bacon etc. In fact I've noticed with my generation (millennial) that the men tend to be much better cooks, and I have no idea why I'm expected to be a gourmet chef. I grew up caretaking my severely autistic/profoundly handicapped brother. I worked as a caretaker for both childern and adults and taught art lessons. So I know how hard caretaking is- even just typical babysitting. I'm sick of it being dismissed as 'easy'- IT ISN'T. This is why I don't have my own kids. If I wanted to continue to change diapers I'd have my own. And I refuse to do hard work for lazy dismissive men who can't/won't look after their own spawn. I actually don't mind cleaning, and I like to pull my own weight. Plus I'm hyperactive so it's a good focus for my extra energy. I like taking care of my partner- I'm not saying I refuse to work. Quite the opposite. When my friends come over I'm the one cleaning, serving food & drinks and making sure people are comfortable. But I REFUSE to just be assigned as 'the help' because I'm female. I will absoultley pull my own weight. But if you think that I'm going to do ALL the cooking/cleaning/caretaking while the men sit on their @sses you are sadly mistaken.

[@mztweety1374]

Dear mom's, we do the best we can raising our babies. After they are grown leave them to make their own decisions whether we like what they decide or who they decide on or not. We raised them. Now it's their turn to fly. And if they crash we will be there with a home-cooked meal and a shoulder to cry on. Don't become the same mother in-law you hated. God knows I'll try not to.

[@LilFeralGangrel]

i'm glad her fiance is getting therapy and i hope he can come to realise that his relationship with his mother is unhealthy, that he has had enmeshed boundaries with her and that the relationship was emotionally incestuous. i wish both well on their path towards healing.

[@ldydragonbrn]

This. This comment right here. Same thoughts- people like this who have emotionally incestuous relationships with their parents need all the help they can get to unbind themselves and see it as the abnormality it is

[@pippo17173]

Its so gross how mothers use their sons as some sort of replacement for a husband they lost. I know their husband are probably groaning and rolling in their graves knowing the kind of women they had married.

[@lynnw7155]

I hope it works out, but it can't be easy for him to change a lifetime of putting mom first. It sounds like she encouraged the idea that she is the most important (maybe ONLY) woman in his life. I hope he doesn't start to resent OP for coming between him and his mother.

[@wildblue0]

Last story: That struck me too. I wonder if SiL is insecure about Paul with other women, but the family dynamics make it inappropriate to call him into the kitchen.

[@JasperCatProductions]

This fiancé in a little while will want mommy back in his life. He is way to attached to mommy, he will soften as she gets older and she will be near any children you have. You will be miserable until the divorce. Don’t ruin your life with a mommy boy, there are to many men out there who don’t behave this way. Nope I’d end it completely and I certainty wouldn’t have a baby with him. He knew mommy was a bit@h he didn’t care!

[@gradystovin]

Fun fanfiction you wrote!

[@dracawyn]

I honestly had no idea how prevalent the issue of covert emotional incest was until I started listening to JNMIL and AITA stories

[@SailorMya]

Right! There are too many MILs out their that don't want their "baaaaaby" to have any woman besides them in their lives... It is super gross...

[@mage1439]

The ability to performatively toss salad around just because I have a uterus almost makes me wish I were a woman.🤣

[@vanillablossom]

Until the first period comes. 😂 Don't worry, you can learn to performatively toss salad around without the uterus, it isn't used during the salad tossing anyway. 🌱

[@Snowshowslow]

@@vanillablossom Apparently I've been tossing salad wrong 🤣

[@rogrove6325]

Perhaps you could performatively toss salad into the _shape_ of a uterus!

[@lynnw7155]

"Performatively tossing salad" while simultaneously chit chatting, trying to navigate a verbal minefield with MIL, and fending off baby talk. All in a day's work when you have a uterus and are visiting the in-laws,

[@standinthegsp6858]

I think Op’s fiancé should post all of his mom’s texts to Op on social media & flag all the flying monkeys--making it obvious that HE’S the one who’s letting things out of the bag not Op. then resume no contact.

[@AndyyWithAY]

Perhaps a hot take but when you don't have any kids or anything else that can't be sold etc I don't think there's an AH reason to break up. We may call the reason "petty", but do we really want to be with someone who ends a serious relationship for a petty reason? I wouldn't. That being said like I always say NEVER marry a mumma's boy. I think this is definitely a valid reason. NTA

[@LilFeralGangrel]

yeah like i get that the person has an unhealthy relationship with their parent but dear god i don't want a project, i want a partner

[@Mirtis66]

The reason wasn't the AH factor it was not telling him and making it seem out of the blue.

[@Bala_Niranna]

Breaking off an engagement with no explanation if the partner wasn't abusive or toxic is an asshole move imo tho. Break it off sure but hit him with a "your mother is terrible protect the next girl from her". Someone can't improve if they don't know what they did wrong Doubly so with op REFUSING to communicate how bad his mother was treating her. Like both giving MIL what she wants by leaving AND leaving fiance with a mostly untainted image of her. Almost like she was protecting her

[@SailorMya]

@@Bala_Niranna Yea, it almost felt like she was trying to leave without making too many waves from the fallout but by doing that she is just hiding the mom from any real repercussions letting her continue to be this way...

[@muhname6052]

While I agree that there is no AH reason for breaking up the fiancé deserves to know because while OP situation has changed his situation hasn't and his mother could affect other relationships he builds.

[@miminana-hd6nf]

wow, OP put the YTA commenter in their place. OP not the AH but her SIL needs to get her marriage in order and not blame other people.

[@ajb7530]

1st story, OP your fiances mom got herself kicked out of her son's life.

[@floridafrostbite8002]

Story 1: OP messed up sending that text BEFORE telling her BF. Be glad she’s gone OP.

[@Andrea.S.Alvey12]

Just finished listening to the first story. NTA is my opinion. I'm sorry she had such a difficult time opening up to her fiance, family and friends. But I am glad she got to a place where she could talk. I'm happy she's in therapy for her communication issues and couples therapy to work through other issues. I think they'd both do well to change their phone numbers. It's so easy to get new numbers to bypass blocking. I do think they should consider printing out all those messages, including the ones from the flying monkeys, create an audio file of ALL the voicemails and make an appointment with the witch and HER fiance to discuss whether or not she can at least control her mouth and behaviour - bringing up the idea of therapy for the witch and, eventually, family sessions with them all. See if there's any way to get that old bag to understand and change. I hope the couple continue with therapy for a good long time. If nothing else it may help them circumvent issues before they become problems.

[@runawayfromtoads674]

I've been feeling unwell for 2 weeks. Trying to go back to illustrating today with your vids in the bg. Thank you so much for your vids, Mark!

[@beccaf262]

I think what gets me is that when she turned up to meet him he was angry because MIL had said OP threatened to beat her up for checking in on her. Is he mentally deficient? I would be so upset that he would think I’d threaten to assault someone!! And that he would believe that his mother had checked in on OP in the first place. Everyone needs to have empathy because the “I wish I’d just not said anything and kept putting up with her abuse” because that’s clearly a broken abused persons response.

[@zerofate9669]

Story 2 Its hard I wanna go with NTA because 1 op is not obligated to cook with or for these people, in laws or not. She not their maid or personal chef. Also its not wrong for her to choose who she decide who she wants to talk with. As long as the prior convos she had between other in laws were civil and no negativity, I dont see anything wrong. ESH on everyone's part. Op could have came to gave a small helping hand with cooking, even when the in laws was asking twice, sounds like they needed the extra hands to quickly move things along for everyone, even if shes not eating. Paul, from the way op described him he doesnt seem like a joyous person to be around nor date. In Laws, they were the toxic salty jealous bunch who let their feelings play into this argument. Getting jealous and upset with another family or individual for having a better life and not in a dirty poor social standing is not justifying anything only jealousy. Everyone doesnt have the same lives, background, families, or finance. They need to get the fk over it and be happy where they are now to be able to even afford a big family trip. Plus the comment about you flirting with Paul is way out of line and borderline attack on your character, making you seem like a homewrecker and a floozy. The husband (ops) for calling out Paul like that. Even if it was true, the comment is highly uncalled for and didnt help the situation in any shape or form. He was right for saying they need to let it go, but he also needs to have a sitdown with his family and set some boundaries (so do you) so things like this doesnt happen again.

[@Bala_Niranna]

They didnt need extra hands they just wanted to get op away from Paul. How dare the harlot exist near him instead of being in the kitchen with the rest of the womenfolk. That family sounds exhausting and honestly I'm glad husband called them and Paul on their bullshit

[@tifadreamers]

They were making lunch for the family members present during the day, not an entire course of meal for a whole neighborhood so I don't think they needed helping hands. They just had this view as women to be the help and had to be in the kitchen while SIL probably just wanted OP to stay away from her husband. OP's husband probably knew all this to make such comments when defending OP. Sure, OP could've helped but she said herself she wasn't having lunch so it's not really her responsibility either to feed everyone else, especially when it's HER husband who paid for the trip already

[@Betty_Virago]

Story 2, OP said they didn’t like Paul because he can be controlling. They don’t like OP though because they couldn’t control her.

[@jmarie9997]

OP1; dump his ass. He will NEVER give his mummy up, no matter what he promises.

[@TheIronwil]

Story 1: I’d have walked away and never looked back. The fact that OP’s fiancé barely stood up for her, and the fact that the abuse continued for a long period of time, tells me all I need to know. This will NEVER stop. MIL’s like this don’t suddenly “see the light”. They are narcissists for whom only complete domination will do. In very rare circumstances the MIL will act in a civil manner, but ONLY if her son (yeah, it’s always a momma’s boy) finds his spine and sets strong boundaries. OP’s fiancé failed to do this. I agree that communication was bad on both sides, but OP sat and watched her fiancé fail time and time again. That’s enough to call it a day.

[@sagesaria]

I am so so so sick of "YTA for doing this to yourself" answers on reddit. It feels like victim-blaming. Standing up for yourself is hard and saying YTA makes it sound like you struggling to stand up for yourself is just as bad as people abusing you. It's not. NTA on story 1. Reddit needs to stop doing this.

[@WobblesandBean]

Frankly, I think OP 1 got the bad ending by staying with this guy. She's just going to have to learn the hard way, I guess.

[@anndownsouth5070]

Story one. The first message from his mom after he talked to his mom should have been shown to him.

[@katielemelin5371]

Thanks so much for saying beforehand when a story doesn't have an update. 🙂

[@amadddd0]

Story 1: shes ONLY the A hole because you weren't honest with him

[@aindrilaroy4464]

I have a cold and I’m feeling miserable. This video was a good distraction. Thank you Mark.

[@pee74332]

Feel better and rest up!

[@aindrilaroy4464]

@@pee74332 thank you!

[@SheenaReine]

petition to stop telling victims “YTA” when they’re doing something trying to protect themselves. she even said she had a traumatic life already.

[@browniewin4121]

1) It is sad OP's fiance has a smother and been manipulated by his mother. The friends have been correct that the truth needs to come out. Obviously there is more people needing to be NC with. OP has to stop holding things in and communicate clearly with her partner, and stop allowing herself to be trampled. NTA. After update: I'm so glad OP and fiance have communicated and are getting counseling. It is great JNMIL and all her flying monkeys have been cut off and being blocked. I'm wishing them all the best going forward. 2) Kudos to OP's husband, he's a keeper. OP didn't stir the drama, everyone else did. NTA.

[@LaineyBug2020]

Story 1- In my head canon, they show the texts and everything to Fiance's 'sister' and she shows her dad and FMIL gets dumped!

[@calliew311]

Op in story one needs to stop feeling bad for her husband's and MIL's relationship. She is ending it by treating OP so badly. My husband's parents did the same thing, and the difference is, the second we got into the car atter dinner I broke down crying, so I couldn't hide it. He cut them off, they didnt ahow up to the wedding, I pushed for him to reconcile, thinking they learnt their lesson, they didn't, he cut them off again, and now, he goes to visit his dad (his mom passed), in Oklahoma, and I stay here on the west coast where my family is. My family hasn't been perfect, and I've had to cut them off a few times too. We always make up and now his dad is dying, so we are moving to Oklahoma for a few months, to help get the farm ready for him to die. His dad tries to be nice now, and at least I know I can talk to my husband and tell him the truth and he'll always be on my side, if his dad does act up.

[@tk6239]

OP in the last story...NTA. MIL was talking about their not your slave, but you aren't theirs either...you weren't eating so no need to go into the kitchen.

[@mogulmade]

Story 1: Op will be back here soon looking for advice when she has kids and the now husband wants the mother in law from hell back in their lives. Lol. Girl please. You don't have to tell someone who genuinely loves you to stand up for you.

[@Luve2020]

The women in that family sound like ‘the mean girls club’ and OP is an introvert just trying to get through it

[@colleens1107]

Story one: HEY a mamas boy sees the truth and does the right thing by cutting off his mom. It’s always nice to see someone grow a spine

[@owl7072]

"She's sent me texts and voicemails" and you didn't show anyone.... why exactly????

[@keithhouston31]

It's one thing to be overprotective & close to family, but what his mother did was over the line.

[@KateKanenator]

S1: Um. . . NTA. MIL is abusive. OP should have told fiance, but like. . . Abuse is traumatic. Trauma changes your brain. Glad to hear they're in therapy, but the redditors commenting YTA are sympathy deficient.

[@MorganVsTheInternet]

1- JFC! OP should've shown her fiance the voice and text messages!

[@jancatperson8329]

In-laws on vacation story: This reminds me a bit of my own in-laws. My own family was solidly middle class - house in the suburbs, backyard pool, good school district - not even close to rich but had a good life. Husband grew up on a farm. My parents attended college, his didn’t finish high school. His family was what rude city folks might call “country bumpkins;” mine was what his family actually did call “big shots from the city,” which was meant as the same insult as “country bumpkins.” So. First time we visited, after dinner I quietly asked future hubby whether we should offer to do the dishes. (The reason I asked instead of just doing it is because I personally DO NOT WANT HELP IN MY KITCHEN, GTFO please and thank you.) Future hubby said no, his mother didn’t want help, and I took it as the truth. Took me years along with occasionally seeing how other DIL interacted to realize that while my husband was not expected to help in the kitchen, I was. And here’s the thing - the only way I was going to help out was if hubby was right there with me doing his share of the work. So bottom line, they were probably talking behind my back about that big shot from the city who thought she was too good to do the dishes. Not that it matters anymore, we’re divorced now for reasons entirely unrelated to in-laws or dishes. Edited to clarify that when I say I don’t want help in the kitchen, I mean from guests. Members of the household need to do their share.

[@christa0chellew]

I just.... I just wouldn't be able to deepen a relationship with someone with such a mom or family. I just couldn't Love is not worth shit- My mental sanity comes first.

[@srkh8966]

I get that. OP’s fiancé did the right thing, his heart must be broken-especially as he’d never noticed that side of her before.

[@christa0chellew]

@@srkh8966 yeah, I don't blame any of them tbh. Its just... MAybe is a feeling thing... but I would never be able to "love" someone deeply enough (I'm over thirty its not a naive assertion) to accept family members like that. For me its over in the dating stage, and that's it.

[@HoodieHorizon]

man, the people in the comments of story 1 are assholes. "You're a bad person for being the victim of constant attacks and harassment, and being too scared to do anything! Have you tried NOT doing that???" Like wtf is wrong with them.

[@jennilynne1977]

I hope everyone is having a great day/afternoon/night! Peace ☮️, hugs 🤗 and love 😘!

[@MarkNarrations]

[@skylargreen7156]

❤

[@cb9825]

I wonder if the fiance finally took it seriously only because OP broke up with him and let him suffer for a couple of days before telling about the verbal abuse. If they were still together snd she told him I totally can see how he would mildly berate his mom after seeing a hateful text. and then totally dismiss the problem every time

[@pee74332]

I agree with the cold turkey approach. This abuse had been prevalent during the relationship and he knew what his mother was like. What level of mistreatment is quantifiable for OP's finance to put a stop to this behavior for good? Why does she have to repeatedly ask him to fight for her in a realistic way before he gets it? Sometimes a person who is on the fence for deeply ingrained reasons needs a dramatic action to feel the impact of their inaction. TBH, I don't know if I'd keep the relationship going either. Although, it would be a deeply felt loss, the mother's behavior would be an absolute deal breaker for me. Nobody has the time or energy for that nonsense.

[@0potion]

​@@pee74332My question is did she ever once talked to him about how much he was affecting her? Just from the way that she wrote it it seems like any time he caught his mom being mean to her he called her out on it but otherwise she did it behind his back. How the fuck is he supposed to defend her if it's all happening behind his back and she decides not to fucking tell him?

[@pee74332]

@@0potion I guess the way I feel about it is that she shouldn't have to say it makes me feel bad when your mother goes out of her way to be a flaming asshole to me everytime I interact with her. If he's seeing his mother's flagrant disrespect first hand then he needs to put a stop to it immediately and permanently without OP addressing it with him. Because at the end of the day, the offensive person belongs to him. I assume he would expect the same from OP if the tables were turned. If he's chosen to make a life with her , he should feel strongly enough about her to not tolerate that kind of behavior from anyone even if it's his mother. His half hearted approach is what broke their relationship. It's too much stress to have to continuously ask for someone to have your back.

[@Adalon-]

@@pee74332 true, he should just become a mind reader instead of her learning to properly communicate like a functional human being. Life is so much easier when you just know things.

[@Splatoon_Kirby]

@@pee74332 All of the bad mouthing was coming from text, and OP never addressed it with him. Is he suppose to be checking her phone? His mom was being nice to both their faces when they where together, why was OP going along with it then too? At the end of the day a relationship can only last using communication. He addressed the problem the first time, every bit of info he had from both of them showed mom changed. Its NOT his fault he didn't have all the information that OP /was/ hiding. Like the only way he'd known is if he LOOKED IN HER PHONE. And for the most part I under stand that is a big NO when its unspoken about phone sharing with partners.

[@reygonzalez8706]

I don't understand why people are angry that she left him without telling him the reason. What she did was the best solution. Had she just told him he would have stood to his mom in a lukewarm and light way as he had always done and dismissed the girl's feelings. Now he knows what is going to happen if he does not support his soon to be wife, SHE WILL LEAVE HIM. By leaving him and blindsiding him, she made him know what to expect if he does not put up and block his mom. This drastic measure on her part assured he no longer treats the matter in a dismissive and not important way. This girl is being abused by the MIL and the boyfriend seemed to care less. I still think she should leave him, because at the end he still is a mama's boy and she is going to suffer a lot with him.

[@shadowscall7758]

Uh no. By not telling him, he had no idea and the problem would just repeat with the next girl forever until someone finally told him. People don't just magically know why someone else did something. It's a thing called communication that does that and luckily she realized it before the relationship was ruined forever and he knew he had to cut his mom out.

[@pacomcjorge]

No it's the worst decision you could have possibly made. Easy for her if she didn't actually love him. But she was doing it to preserve the relationship with his mother for some fucking reason. He already knew the mom was the problem but now that the love of his life is willing to break his heart for literally no reason, maybe the mom isn't so bad after all. Mother will then supply the blanks he's missing with her own story of how awful Op is, and now Op will be the new weapon to use against any new girlfriend. "I'm not being mean, I'm just looking out for you remember when Op broke your heart?" She literally refused to tell her fiance that it was still happening so how the fuck is he supposed to handle it if he doesn't know what's going on? You're trying to condemn the man as a mama's boy when it was Op who was orchestrating the whole thing by keeping it a secret.

[@jakemarie828]

The victim-blaming is strong with this one. I agree with you, Mark, that it's an NTA. Standing up to parental figures is hard and takes practice.

[@kellypatterson8506]

1st story, the mom was having a emotionally incestuous relationship with son. Not the arsehole.

[@dodgyyoutuber9560]

I understand being expected to help with dinner, but that was blatant sexism

[@sarajoanna1618]

Those mothers in law really make you want to stay single 😂

[@Ann_Wall-Chiasson]

Hi Mark! I'm currently crocheting a new project bag for myself since my other bags are occupied 😂

[@Sirevanacc]

Man. The amount of stories about dudes having weird relationships with their mothers is outstanding

[@vanillablossom]

✨ emotional incest ✨ momma's boys 👏

[@eldeano9964]

Yep, entire libraries worth of just no mother in law stories. And it's always the 'mamma's boy's' fault, and not the woman who conditions, guilts, manipulates etc their kid(s) from the start.

[@Sirevanacc]

@@eldeano9964 Well, once you are an adult, you should be able to walk through your issued and be an independent human being 😅

[@kichikitsu]

​@@Sirevanacc and clearly you have never been in a toxic situation, so congrats on not being able to understand how people don't just magically gain knowledge of how fucked up someone else is! but stop talking on these issues if you don't have that perspective. it's so exhausting seeing ppl like y'all just acting like aging up to 18 means you become omnipotent and just Know that your parents are shitty, manipulative people who only harm you.

[@eldeano9964]

@Sirevanacc you forget that Americans exist. Also if all that childhood trauma is done sneakily, then they may not even realise that they've been manipulated at all.

[@luvondarox]

Story 1 Who are these people who so willingly harass complete strangers because some friend has an issue with them? Man, I'm honestly amazed OP put up with Mother's nonsense for so long without showing fiance or standing up herself. Sounds like OP was doomed to be judged no matter what happened.

[@wickedamoeba8719]

Story 2: My family does this nonsense. The men are free to sit around and talk while the women are confined to the kitchen. It’s suffocating and archaic.

[@JennRighter]

Won’t watch the story. If your partner’s family is disrespectful or treating you badly, you put it entirely into your partner’s hands to deal with and gauge if you will continue in the relationship based upon how your partner proceeds. End of story. No need to ask Reddit or anyone else for advice, it really is that simple. It isn’t YOUR problem unless your partner makes it your problem. And that’s not a partner I would choose. Easy and done.

[@shebakoby]

story 1: Tell me OP's fiance's mom is a completely enmeshed narcissist cluster of Bees, without using any of those words.

[@sharyebethancourt3660]

I’m glad OP in story 2 responded to that last comment cuz WTAF?!

[@ezekial7028]

Whats wrong with being that way about hitting people? I generally won't hit anyone unless they hit me first or if I feel hitting that person would protect another person from an uninitiated attack.

[@catsncrows]

S1 I bet this isn't over. That mother is going to lose her every last wit

[@KittinPyro]

Story 2- Seriously?! The first time she met his parents was at their engagement party?! Is that normal for their family because it’s sure not normal where I’m from! That alone would make parents dislike you alittle around here!

[@mrjohnthedestroyer]

If SIL is uncomfortable with her husband talking to others at the pool then that is between them. All this old world European stuff is stupid. That ALL woman need to help with the food & how are they being treated like the help if OP wasn't even going to eat????? She went into town.

[@carmen4479]

I get why OP is standoffish. Some people just are not interesting. Being a servant because you have a uterus is the most irritating thing about my family. If you want to be chained to the kitchen, go to it. Some people have other things going on in their heads, and other conversations to have. The only thing you can make with people you have zero in common with is small talk. Eventually you run out of steam.

[@romonaelrod7870]

Hello all of you cheeky Waffle loving so and so's. Hiya Mark and Poppy. I hope that all of you have a great day and weekend. Much love ❤

[@broken_queer_but_fighting8589]

You too m8 much love💜💜🤗🤗

[@MarkNarrations]

Hey there Romona! Hope all is well matey!

[@romonaelrod7870]

@@MarkNarrations I am good. Thanks for asking. Give Poppy some extra pets for me. She is such a cute doggo.

[@romonaelrod7870]

@@broken_queer_but_fighting8589 hey Broken,have a lovely day. Mate.

[@sparklemotion8377]

The last story: I am a feminist and don't bother with traditional women, but I will sit down with a misogynist to get away from the women.

[@lina9535]

Story 1: Honestly OP should have been honest why she was breaking things off. He deserved to know that his mother is a pos.

[@KE-hr4sb]

S1: “His family are calling me the AH for destroying his relationship with his mother.” Easy answer: You didn’t, his mother did that all on her own. She was warned, and thought doing it behind his back was a good idea? And was dumb enough to leave you receipts? Actions, meet consequences. She FAFO. NTA. S2: NTA. The entire in-law family have made it clear to both you and Paul that they dislike the two of you? Then they don’t get to insist that you have to spend time inside with them, or ban you from seeking the company of the only other “outsider” there. That said, your husband should have put a stop to the way his family treats you a long time ago, and should not be subjecting you to “vacations” with them that sound more like pulling toenails than relaxing time away.

[@dandotvid]

The FIRST time the in-laws met OP was at the engagement party? Yikes.

[@ouranos9290]

Story 2 : i'm not from US, but in each family gathering/vacation, it's very very common to "ask for help" as a pretext to talk discretly. ( Usualy "women-talk" in the kitchen, men don't talk much, but if they have to, it's around BBQ or in the garage ) So refusing twice when someone call you is a little bit rude. OP should have join them, just to see what they want, and come back after. Again, not the same background, but it's a pretty common thing if anyone want to talk more privatley without having to tell everyone u need to talk :) ) ( not my langage either, i'm sorry for my mistakes )

[@emdelicatelyme]

Remember my friends, You are a Diamond and you cannot be broken. Much love and many hugs ♡♡

[@panashemudzudzu9860]

Story 1 what’s with ESH and YTA ??????

[@ArcaneNim]

People believe that abuse victims should do everything perfectly, or they are just as bad or worse than their abusers.

[@Splatoon_Kirby]

I'm on ESH because OP went about handling MIL horribly. He addressed the issue the first time and BOTH of them played nice around him, how can he know something is wrong if /neither one of them/ are acting like they have issues with each other? All OP had to do was show him the text the first time MIL sent one, show that the two of them are a TEAM. He stood up the first time strongly enough that MIL began /masking/ and started to use a method to torment OP where he couldn't see. How OP did this was shitty, it got it done but she put herself through way too much pain when it could of been so much easier. And you know what? If he didn't cut off Mom at least for a /while/ when shown that text? She could of just left then and it would of been his one chance to really prove he is willing to stand by OP. SHe wouldn't of had to deal with MIL as long as she did or the heartache. And He'd either learn the lesson the hard way, or be an idiot.

[@lina9535]

Story 2: Part of me thinks SIL knows Paul has a thing for OP and that's why the MIL claimed there was "flirting"

[@MissDeniseR]

1st story, she had no choice, he had to see the consequences of not supporting her against his mum, this could have gone for years

[@MrGavintron]

Story 2 - what is it with that last comment? Hell of a reach to call OP TA.

[@mamm7223]

Hoping for an update on story #1.

[@OceanSongBird6355]

S1: before update- first of all in my opinion NTA and second man how badly did this monster mother in law treat op that she felt she couldn’t trust or communicate to her partner honestly I don’t blame her for breaking things off and not saying anything she went into trauma fight or flight mode and she chose flight I really hope this was a wake up call for the fiancée to see how much he needs to do better for op and their future After update - wow just wow I’m glad they talked it out but dang that monster mother in law gets worse than she already did here’s hoping therapy helps the two of them and the fiancée sticks to his guns and protects op

[@bioshockbrat9171]

Starting work this morning with some awesome vibes ❤

[@SilverstreamPJ28]

Story 1: These two are nowhere near ready to get married and start a family

[@lucaleone4331]

Its so hard to feel bad for the first OP. You just say nothing to your fiancee and let yourself be treated like that? Thats ridiculous. I guess coming from the queer community you learn your family isnt everything and that you need to have a stronger back bone.

[@Stuart267]

*The Fiance seems to have some lncesteous thing going on, there is another story on here, where a brother who was hated by the rest of the family was getting away with all kinds of things, stealing from his sister, turns out he was stealing to feed his addiction to alcohol because their mother was grooming him. Had a happy ending though because the sister forgave the brother & even moved him in with her as the mother had done a number on him.*

[@balefuls5425]

1st story: wonder why everyone in ops life has been traumatic to her except her fiancé? Seems like she has the worst luck with people

[@jenniferslack-smith5129]

I wouldn’t cook if I’m not going to eat. But my mom would have said I should have joined the cooks just to be polite.