My Boyfriend's Mask Slips As He's Been Gaslighting Me Our Entire Relationship r/Relationship

[@lucere3674]

I legit think the movie gaslight should be played in schools. Not only is it a decent movie by itself, the issue it tackles is important, misunderstood and most worryingly not even known about.

[@louellacharlton4425]

yes how about"the burning bed" too!

[@sisselohlin]

AGREE.

[@SP-sq7ps]

Seriously good idea. I think a more updated version from the original

[@ravenfox926]

I've seen it and I agree.

[@KyrieChii]

I feel that we do our young people a disservice by not teaching them about the different kinds of abusive behavior, how to identify them, & where to get help. Everyone understands that physical abuse is bad, but it's far easier to deny or make excuses for emotional, psychological, & financial abuses. (Look at this OP, she'd never even heard of the term or realized it was a thing). It's also important to teach that mistreatment can come from anyone (family, friends, acquaintances, romantic partners, coworkers, etc). This is all especially important for young people reaching 'dating' age, as it's the first time a lot of them are exposed to abusive behavior.

[@AndyyWithAY]

"Being brave and confronting him" would not have been a wise move. It could have easily become violent and he could have hurt or killed her.

[@lancerevell5979]

IF she did this, it would be smart to have a large tough male friend/family member escorting her. I have done this for friends a couple times. Keeps both sides "honest".

[@Coira2]

I was legit terrified for OP.

[@KyrieChii]

Yeah, there was absolutely nothing positive to gain from a confrontation. OP handled it the safest way possible.

[@ladyv5655]

Exactly. Why would she need to confront him? Better to get away from him safely and make a clean break rather than "bravely ". This guy sounds dangerous and scary.

[@trashcan2748]

Being brave and confronting people is for people who are reasonable and aren’t an abusive ass. With abusive clowns like that, the brave thing to do is to get away from them in the safest way possible.

[@michamocha]

What makes this almost scarier is the fact that if Op had never made her original post, he would've succeeded. He even had her fooled thinking he wasn't "smart enough" to pull that level of gaslighting.

[@srividyamanasvinisomayajul7906]

Exactly , she is so lucky she posted on reddit

[@hodgeelmwood8677]

I suspect he's actually seen the movie Gaslight before, that's where he got the idea from in the first place and that's why he was quiet and nervous throughout the shared viewing.

[@dionysus_adores]

You can be dumb as rocks and still be able to manipulate people just by being charismatic and love bombing everyone.

[@potatodar]

This happened 8 years ago according to Reddit. I’m worried and hoping she’s still alive and thriving.

[@mangoshateu361]

He legit set up a backstory for her to be killed. Her job wouldn’t expect her for a couple of days, her family would think she committed S. Really disturbing, op really needs to watch their back. They need tell this story to everyone even her job, let people know where your going and when you expect to be back.

[@clairewolf6013]

I just had to grin at how she played him back. Gaslighting him about his own hiding of the book. Making him watch gaslight. Genius!

[@dracawyn]

I know "gaslighting" gets thrown around a lot these days, but this is the very literal, extreme definition of it. So, you've got a jealous boyfriend who is trying to make you feel like you're going crazy. RUN. Edit: wrote my comment before getting to the comments part of the story. Now OP is describing how he was love-bombing her at the beginning of the relationship. Like, holy crap. Most people who have a narcissistic personality disorder aren't quite so cut and dry with obvious symptoms and behaviors. This guy is textbook.

[@locusxe1411]

I mean most of the times when it gets thrown around it usually is

[@micearenice8963]

I have a hard time because my sister does this and people roll their eyes and say yeah you don't know what it means. She was in the room. Revealed something heinous that resulted in my parent's divorce. No she didn't do it. No she wasn't there. No it didn't happen that way, it was for other reasons. I'm no longer in contact with her but also she punched her hand through a window so she is not okay.

[@duckeh1952]

When you have crush/in love you tend to ignore 9 bad if there is 1 good. And love bombing seems cute and flattering. That's what is its purpose

[@WhitneyDahlin]

What was his motive?

[@user-wr3vt8uq4s]

OP said he wasn't "academic" but you can learn to be a manipulator without any schooling at all. What a creep.

[@ThePinkBinks]

I knew a guy who was like this. He looked like a model and pulled this crap on several of my friends he dated. He eventually murdered my best friend in a truly hideous way. Always ALWAYS get away from guys like that. Please. You will be saving your life.

[@Someone-or8tp]

holy SHIT!! I hope you're alright, I'm so sorry for your loss. People like this really need to be locked the fuck up. I wish police would take stalking and what not like this more seriously. I'm so sorry about your friend. They deserved so much better. Thank you for spreading the message, and stay strong.

[@Frostfern94]

Oh shi- Did not expect that last bit. Are you okay?

[@anyagrace3585]

mate i think the worst part is the murder of the innocent woman. @@tennesseedogpack

[@meh.3208]

​@@tennesseedogpackdon't call victims dumb broads'. Women are basically told that they aren't over their ex if they warn others. So they most likely didn't disclose their relationship struggles.

[@sylviajones6745]

OMG, I am truly sorry for your friend, you and her family and friends. Must've been hell to go through. My deepest condolences 🙏😔❤

[@RokoFireFox]

Texting him the break up message was the BRAVEST thing op could have done. That man is not well and needs help. Op could have been seriously hurt if she broke up with him in person or try to manipulate her into not breaking up with him.

[@Ax-xo4ux]

Yes! Being safe is not the same as being a coward. Who knows what that man would’ve done if she’d broken up in person

[@owl7072]

"There's no second chance no matter how much you wish for one" OP wasn't the one blowing up someone's phone out of desperation to keep the relationship after she left 🤨 in fact, she actively ignored you 🤨

[@gregjayonnaise8314]

A lot of abusers are like that. They can go on forever about how they don’t need other people and how you’ll come crawling back, but then call you again in a few months in the hopes that you haven’t rejected them completely. And that’s if they haven’t just moved onto the next victim like a parasite. They really need you more than you need them.

[@b.f.2461]

That’s a classic move. “You didn’t reject me! I’m rejecting you!”

[@ravenfox926]

Sounded like he got off from her aggravation and confusion. And no way would I confront him alone, because he sounds unstable.

[@shells500tutubo]

When he texted how she would get no second chances, she should have texted back, "ok". Actually, she should not have responded to any of his attempts at communication.

[@ravenfox926]

@@shells500tutubo Agreed, but it would've been so tempting to reply PROMISE? GOOD!

[@randomhuman5374]

I'm really worried for this girl. Her ex threatened to hurt her, he told her friends and family that she's suffering mental health issues, then left a fire symbol on her door. I really hope that I'm wrong, but it sounds to me that he plans to kill her. OP, if you're reading this, get as far away from this person as you possibly can. Move states, cut off your mutual friends, do everything you can to make sure that he cannot track you down. There are too many stories of ex-partners killing their former significant others, and they all start with little signs like this. Do everything that you can to keep yourself safe. I cannot stress enough how dangerous this person is.

[@kemonono]

I feel bad for OP, but also that roommate because Jesus they didn't know anything happened and then suddenly locks are changed massive F

[@jaymel4691]

Yeah, roommate should probably move too, in case the guy snaps and goes after her. If I was the roommate I wouldn't want to stay there.

[@shells500tutubo]

@@jaymel4691 It says the parents own the apartment, so maybe it's a condo. The parents need to rent it out to some police officers or security people, lol.

[@eowyn8340]

Yeah, at first I was thinking why is the roommate ticked off? Then, it was “duh me, of course she’s ticked. That psycho knows her home without her consent.” 🤦‍♀️

[@philwill0123]

Story 1 is an object lesson, that when you are dealing with a crazy ex, tell people, if nothing else for security reasons, including work. Seize the narrative and tell friends/family/ work what's going on, so they can protect you. Especially the mutual friends. If they don't want to believe, fine, but if they don't, cut them out your communication loop.

[@WhitneyDahlin]

Yep there is a psychological phenomena where people believe the first side story they hear regardless of facts.

[@RosesCookiesAndMilk]

The ex was “love bombing” Definition: “Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection.” Him love bombing is how he managed to get OP into a relationship.

[@taralothoni2693]

Classic narcissist move….red flag the size of Texas

[@tequilajoestar]

The SECOND she said he showered her in gifts, all the red flags went off in my head. It reminds me of a situation with a close friend of mine. But when you're wearing rose colored glasses makes red flags look normal.

[@neliaferreira9983]

For me is when she said they met TWO MONTHS ago. TWO. MONTHS. And he moved in already?? "He's a nice guy." Girl, you don't know him at all, two months...

[@shydog7276]

The "what book?" move was legendary lol. But her breaking up over a text wasn't cowardly, it was very VERY smart. The unhinged level of stalking post breakup proved her waiting till he was completely moved out and doing it via text was 100% on point and the safest way to escape. Dude would probably have attacked her if she did it in person.

[@jadedflames2809]

It hurts to see OP being naive and didn't even think gas lighting was a thing. The scary part is that in 3rd POV, everything us visible and if you're actually in that situation, everything is blurry and easily missed. That's so terrifying

[@nixiethepixie]

I had a friend who told me, after my own experience, that the red flags aren't noticiable because you're wearing rose tinted glasses.

[@FallacyBites]

​​@@nixiethepixieDamn, that is GOOD line. I am stealing that. ❤

[@nixiethepixie]

@@FallacyBites Feel free to. I found it actually really helped me - I hated me for missing them, and it just... helped me forgive myself.

[@FallacyBites]

@@nixiethepixie ::Jedi-Hugs:: if you want them

[@MsUnamusedNerd]

How OP got with her boyfriend is a serious red flag. She recently gotten out of relationship and wasnt interested in dating but along comes a guy who loves bombs her and she’s quick to get into a relationship with them. Now he’s gaslighting her to set up an abusive relationship. If you recently meet someone who shows interesting you and the first course of action is just to repeatedly love bomb you, that is a bad sign. Overtime they’re going to wean off given you that affection as they start becoming the abuser which seems to be what’s happening in the story with boyfriend gaslighting OP. If this keeps going boyfriends love is going to start becoming a reward OP has to earn by doing what he wants With how OP is defending boyfriend saying “wow this all seems like a very advanced psychological stuff but he’s not really the academic type he’s a really nice guy“ It really doesn’t take that much thinking power to be a gas lighter. Really glad OP started seeing boyfriend for who he really was, I mean him constantly being controlling and jealous? That is not a good relationship. Really glad she broke up with him, but I hate that she feels like she was a coward by doing it by text message. I’m pretty sure if she did a face to face she would’ve gotten really hurt or even killed. Considering how her ex acted in the final update, yeah that was a possibility he would’ve gotten physically violent with her if she broke up with him to his face.

[@pippo17173]

The line *I fell in love with you at first sight but you were dancing with some idiot* Should of been up front a *Do not date this person* black list.

[@PukingPanda]

The start of their relationship mirrors my abusive ex so much. And I was so naive and honestly depressed, that I ignored all the red flags until it was either I left or I killed myself due to his controlling nature. Thank goodness I had the strength to leave.

[@jaymevosburgh3660]

Gaslighting is usually the beginning ov abusive behavior. So I'm glad Op was able to clearly see that it was wrong and get away.

[@kerridwynntheacegoblin6465]

My absolute last relationship was with a narcissistic gaslighter; I was older and way more seasoned than OP so I was able to sniff out his BS and kick him to the curb.

[@MarkNarrations]

Glad you was able to deal with it Kerridwyn!

[@gypsygem9395]

I was older too, but naive and didn't know about gaslighting or lovebombing then

[@secretskull21]

I knew he was a sociopath when he was gaslighting her about such trivial shit, but he went from weirdo to stalker REAL fucking quickly.

[@83gemm]

This is a scary one. Notice how naive little OP keeps saying, “But what’s the motive?” He’s dangerous, honey, his motives are evil. RUN. Never ever EVER date someone who tries to convince you to do something you don’t want, especially to date in the first place. That is a deal breaking door shutter right there.

[@gypsygem9395]

Exactly. I learned this the hard way.

[@83gemm]

@@gypsygem9395 Oh, I think we all did

[@elizabethescalante7866]

Right?! The minute she mentioned that he convinced her to basically rush into a relationship with him, that's what got my alarm bells going off! Dating 101: Rushing into a relationship immediately is the first red flag and a HUGE dating no no!

[@SwirlyPinwheel]

"But he's so nice." Honey, that's love bombing, not being nice. Saying and buying nice things does not equate to being a nice person.

[@HobieInTheBox]

@@SwirlyPinwheel I'm surprised we didn't see anyone else mentioning this. As soon as I heard about the gift showering, I thought love bombing

[@disneydork100]

I like how she was basically gaslighting her gaslighter, but girl, the motive isn’t worth it!!!

[@cjandauntieyaya1446]

This is a form of gaslighting. It is a control tactic and very alarming. OP's BF is trying to make OP feel unsure of their own memories and grasp on reality. This will only get worse. The BF has NO respect for OP and OP needs to get him out ASAP.

[@Someone-or8tp]

good thing she got a restraining order!!

[@WhitneyDahlin]

‼️I think I figured out his plan! The fact he called her family friends and work acting like she's mentally sick makes me believe that was his plan all along. Only he wanted to convince her she was mentally ill so she would seek treatment and probably tell everyone what was going on herself. And then it would keep anyone from believing OP or helping her leave him WHEN he eventually turned physically abusive. Maybe he was hoping she would willingly quit her job to focus on her mental health or maybe he was trying to make her depend solely on him. So he could be her hero who takes care of her. Maybe if she truly believed she was ill and the medical treatment wasn't helping (it wouldn't help because he would continue to gaslight her) she would willingly sign over power of attorney to him. Really scary. I wonder if he was stalking her wayyy before they ever started dating. The pressure to date, pressure to say I love you and meet parents right away, taking drastic measures to keep her with him permanently.

[@moosehead4497]

The worst kind of gaslighting is when the gaslighter gaslights you that you are the one gaslighting

[@aurea.]

I'm so happy the Internet rallied to show a confused stranger what a scary situation they were in. Shame on the ex, I really hope he doesn't get the chance to hurt others.

[@SorenPenrose]

"What book?" I laughed out loud. I'd pay to watch his reaction to that question.

[@candescentmoon2181]

Him showering her with gifts and romantic gestures initially is called love bombing and is another tactic of a malicious narcissist and abuser.

[@caniliveinalibraryandliveo4251]

So . . . He love bombed her, pressured her, is super jealous and now he's gaslighting her. RUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@SpookiCooki]

I've experienced a form of gaslighting. My former "bestie" always made me think I had bad social skills. She made me think I interpreted things wrong or completely misunderstood peoples reactions. That made me dependent on her keeping me on the right track because I was so hopeless on my own. It took me many years to realise that she was the one who had issues. So be aware that it's not only romantic relationships but also friendships where you can experience gaslighting.

[@micahpatchen1538]

Wooohooo!! the part where OP turned the tables and did the 'what book" "that book" thing..hahaha too great! we should mess with them as hard as they mess with us (they being anyone/thing that messes with us)

[@mimimo6010]

And the to sit him down and make him watch "Gaslight". I yelled "YESSS!" when she got to that part

[@jaymel4691]

I have to admit, I loved OP using a bit of his own tactics against him! I'm just glad it didn't set off his rage- it was really risky and could've ended badly. I'm sure it was satisfying for OP- but I wouldn't recommend doing that!

[@ScooterBond1970]

I was all like *chef kiss*

[@magiv4205]

@@mimimo6010 That was an absolute power move. Though I did get pretty nervous, this could have easily ended badly.

[@alyssabates967]

Another thing they talked about but didn’t realize is called love bombing, a manipulation tactic where they overwhelm you with love, gifts, affection. This is to get what they want (OP to go out with him) and also can later be weaponized (not doing what I want? Withhold love. I make a mistake? I shower you with love until you feel stupid for not forgiving me because after all, aren’t I just so nice and good to you?)

[@MsUnamusedNerd]

Did mark read a story similar to the first one where Op would do things like make the bed and after she left her boyfriend come in there and just tear the bed up? When Oprah confronted her boyfriend about undoing everything she does after she cleans he played stupid and act like he has no clue what’s going on?

[@MarkNarrations]

I do remember a fairly similar one before, I can't remember the exact one though

[@philwill0123]

Yeah, think she set up a camera and that's how she found out.

[@kerribottriell-baxter7345]

I can just picture "Oprah" walking in... and he certainly wouldn't be going on a trip to Australia 😂😂😂

[@l.g.2888]

Yikes on bikes. This dude lovebombed her, likely ignoring her boundaries to do so if she was saying she wasn't ready for a new relationship. He then guilted her every time she didn't meet him with the same level of "love" and even guilted her about not falling in love with him at first sight. He balked at every single boundary she tried to set and tried to isolate her from friends and family. This dude was a textbook abuser, practically following a playbook. I'm so glad OP got the hell out and didn't confront him in person. Especially after how he acted later. She kept herself safe and that's far more important than any silly notions of "bravery."

[@actuallynotsteve]

My first girlfriend in high school (who ended up being institutionalized when we were juniors) did the same thing as the BF in this post...she would move furniture and pictures on the wall around by 3-4" on a regular basis, and when I asked if it was in a different spot she'd tell me I was insane and make fun of me. I knew I was right the whole time and didn't understand what the point of what she was doing was at the time. It's so surreal when you experience abuse like this, because it just doesn't make any sense. When I broke with her towards the end of our sophomore year (after countless nights of her saying she'd kill herself if I didn't do whatever, endless stalking, etc) she straight up told me that I wasn't allowed to do that, and couldn't. It was fucking unreal. I largely believe in humanity and think there's more good than evil, but know first hand that truly evil and impossibly terrible people exist that blend in to our every society. Trust your gut feeling people, it exists for a reason.

[@nikkiq5124]

Love the tactic of gaslighting the gaslighter with that book incident.

[@TheMormonSorceress]

The Gaslighting movie was a brilliant move.

[@ravenfox926]

Typical: first comes the post breakup love bombing and when that didn't work, threats, emotional bullying, messing with OP'S life, then stalking. I'd never go out alone or unarmed until I left

[@Mewse1203]

Ahh yes, the very best example of gaslighting I've heard on Reddit. This guy is a real piece of work. I remember hearing this story but not any updates so I'll be glad for that. The fact that "they" had jealousy issues before moving in together was a big red flag. And yeah I put they in quotes because you KNOW it wasn't "we" but "he. Edit after comments: so he love bombed OP when she was emotionally fragile...sweet. Gets better and better. Edit before update: now I remember I did hear an update. She tested him to make sure right? And he failed then got upset...Am I right? About ti find out once these ads pass...lol Edit after update: yikes with that list. I definitely remember this update and I remember her reverse gaslighting him now. Such a great move. Also the movie which I forgot about was a great move. Edit after last update: psycho comes out even more. She should have called the cops when she saw him outside standing there. I'm glad she was able to get a restraining order.

[@flamelily2086]

Showering someone with gifts is love bombing especially in the context of OP's story. He sounds like a narcissist, this is how they operate. The update is spine chilling that guy is very creepy. It always surprises me how hard it is to get police to take stalking seriously. They seem to think they have to wait for you to be murdered before they take it seriously!

[@HaleyJo1992]

Gaslighting is devastating. I experienced it most of my life and I'm so happy more people know what it is now.

[@HackiePuffs]

I swear pathological liars are becoming higher and higher on my hate list with these stories. Also because some of my friends had to deal with one but I don’t really wanna get into it for their sake just know they’re fairly okay.

[@Someone-or8tp]

As someone who has been friends with pathological liars. Yep. They're awful to deal with. I don't want to believe that they're awful people, though. Edit: I guess "friends" (emphasis on quotation marks) would be a better way to put it. Considering I thought we were friends and then they expressed they never really thought of us that way. It was heart breaking at the time, admittedly. But I'm over it now, since it's been years since then...

[@mflax4331]

It gets even messier if you add a good portion of being a narcissist into it. Best solution for me: Ignore them for the rest of time and try to live good for yourself.

[@AndyyWithAY]

This sounds petty, but this is a huge deal. He's trying to convince OP that she's crazy. This not to be taken lightly. This is not a joke or "prank"

[@MarkNarrations]

Too true Andy!

[@WatsonAndDaughter]

It's actual, legitimate gaslighting. People usually don't do that without some wack motives.

[@Swnsasy]

My education is in Forensic Psychology and Applied Behavior.. What has been found about people like this is yes, they can be dangerous.. It's often referred to as WHITE NIGHT SYNDROME... He will do all sorts of things, make the person feel crazy and then he pretends he's the only one to take care of her because everyone else thinks she's crazy... It's a game of isolation... There are 3 phases and this is the 1st...

[@sitnspin1819]

@@Swnsasy It's a form of triangulation.

[@Swnsasy]

@@sitnspin1819 Hmmm.. That would have to include another person though but I definitely understand why you said that..

[@cpaul9269]

Whoa. This is straight up psychopathic behavior. Just keep the police in the loop when anything happens, and keep your wits about you. Glad you are safe.

[@Khiarika1]

These days a lot of people misuse the term 'gaslight', but this was the real deal. 😲

[@puli_dreadhead]

The roommate’s response annoyed me. That’s not how you respond when someone tells you that they dodge an abusive relationship and gained a stalker. Her well-being is more important that being upset about locks being changed.

[@shawnesmith5364]

I think I kinda get why the roommate responded like that. Was it right probably not. But I would be pissed to if I went away for less the 4-6 weeks and my roommate moved her boyfriend in that she only knew for two months without my knowledge. Then he start doing all shady shit, showing up to the apartment, Taking shit( so how would the roommate know if any of her stuff got stolen, doing all kinds crazy shit. Op changed the lock without her knowing. Like the roommate did not know that any of this was going on until she came back, which is a lot. Cause image if she would have came home early to find that some creep is stalking the apartment, you can’t get in to safety of your own home, your roommate left and is with her brother. She never warned or kept you posted about what was going on, so you got to scramble to get somewhere safe and sound.

[@jaymel4691]

Yeah but I can see both sides. OP should not have moved somebody in to their home without the roommate's knowledge and approval, no matter what the situation was. I would be pissed if I came back from an overseas trip to find that my roommate had let a stranger move in, who turned out to be so dangerous that the locks needed to be changed. I wouldn't feel safe there anymore either.

[@puli_dreadhead]

@@shawnesmith5364 Roommate has the hindsight of knowing the whole story, she wasn’t the one being deceived when everything was happening. It also sounds like the roommate’s parents own the residence if they can give the approval of changing the locks.

[@Iennaish]

This is so scary... I admire her for being so sure from start to finish that she did not misplace her stuff because I sure would have had some doubts in the beginning.

[@lianabaddley8217]

There was another update to the gaslighting story. I can't remember the whole update but she saw him in a news story. He either killed his next girlfriend or hurt her REALLY really bad.

[@AnaReginaNica]

I once had a guy pulling the same "note with a flame" crap on me. I just answered with another note, featuring a pair of scissors. Magically stopped harrasing me.

[@sarahobah]

I am so glad she got out early, the number one regret when getting out of these relationships (me included) is "I wish I had gotten out sooner" or "I wish I didn't waste so much time in a relationship like that"

[@srsh12345]

Holy Crap. That turned very scary.

[@BigFishSmolPond]

Thank you for reading stories like this. It’s something I wish was available in my younger years as it shows what gaslighting looks like to those who may not even know they’re being gaslit. I’m glad OP got out and felt brave enough to share with the world.

[@MarkNarrations]

Too true, I've learnt a lot from reading these stories. From this one today, I've learnt the term "love bombing" which I feel embarrassed not to have known already but glad people have taught me.

[@gypsygem9395]

Yes I wish I'd know of this kind of thing 18 years ago when me and my husband split up. I got into a very bad relationship shortly after, and that person definitely love bombed and gaslit me. I was naïve. That relationship lasted (on and off) way too long. Despite the problems in my marriage they were never as bad as that relationship was. I am so glad I was eventually able to get out

[@Girl-Supersonicboy]

What better way to start the day (just woke up) then watching a Mark video. He has quickly become a favorite KZbinr. Thank you Mark for being such a wholesome waffle

[@MarkNarrations]

Aww bluejay, what a honour. Thank you so much :)

[@DarkbutNotsinister]

He has great energy that comes through. It’s also a really great community. I’m relatively new, too.

[@lonelyronin2428]

Just woke up an hour ago?! Dang! Long work day? I work nights 4 - 5 to whatever time I finish usually, 1 to 2 in the morning. I will crash until noon or a few hours before my next shift the next day. Might also be an iron deficiency. Whatever it is, hope you're well rested!

[@mysterylovescompany2657]

Could be in a different time zone to you, LonelyRonin.

[@jaymel4691]

It's good OP didn't confront him directly, that could've been very dangerous. Honestly watching the Gaslight movie with him was pretty risky too. But good on OP for getting him out just in time. I wish I could say I was surprised by his stalking and harassing behavior afterward but I'm not, sadly. It's good that OP will be going out of the country for a while.

[@CyeOutsider]

The boyfriend not only gaslit her, he employed a tactic know as "love bombing". It's where you get flooded with "love" at the start of the relationship - flowers, gifts, dinners, premature "I love yous" and other romantic gestures. It can look and feel like a classic "whirlwind romance" but in reality it's a way of maniplaying you into a relationship almost against your better judgement. This guy did exactly that. She didn't even want a relationship but he manipulated his way into her life and next thing she knew he's living with her.

[@lily-zg6io]

this story is literally the plot of the film 'gaslight', which gave this manipulation tactic its name

[@Bayou-kun]

Maybe I've watched too many thriller movies, but this is what I have in mind when the ex started calling OP's friends, mom, and office about his 'concern' of her mental health. He planned to kidnap or kill OP and then blamed her 'mental illness' if she was missing or found dead. That was a scary...

[@jennit.i.murphy118]

I think she was right about not confronted him with the Nanny cam evidence and just bided her time until he was gone, and then officially breaking up with him via text. He sounds like a narcissist and confronting him could've been dangerous for her. Congratulations to her for handling the situation so intelligently, and being able to get out of an abusive relationship before it became worse.

[@SheenaReine]

Terrifying because I’ve been there. Except he convinced my friends I was the bad guy leading him on etc. Pushed me out of my main friend group. Convinced girls to get me into a car with them and then proceeded to try and kill me with them as collateral damage. It’s hard because they really do make you question your sanity. The stalking for years after was terrifying too. A year after I moved away he began working at a gas station in my old neighbourhood. Nowhere near where he lives. I hope I never see him again. Most recently a girl passed away he said she told him to “wait for her” but her obituary mentioned a fiancé that wasn’t him. So he’s not changed. I occasionally check his socials to make sure he hasn’t figured out where I live. 😬

[@lavonnewr]

Sweetest part was watchng the movie with him... not at all cowardly to avoid confronting him. Change locks!!!

[@shannonbullock2202]

She played her hand brilliantly once she knew the game. If he stayed longer and she kept it up he would've lost his shit 😂😂😂 The complete lack of control over something he controlled so tightly might've caused a psychotic break.

[@birdgurl6075]

I was going to say that the story played out like the movie/play "Gaslight." Sitting him down to watch it was a POWER. PLAY. Good on her. Stay far away from that dude. Creepy.

[@kellyalves756]

That was pretty badass. 😁

[@ruthbeamish8849]

The people on this site have given OP fantastic advice Really glad that she saw the light!!!

[@lovinglifebutnotonearth3909]

We need to teach younger women that being brave isn't always the smartest thing ever. Being a coward and breaking up with an abuser over text is the safest thing ever. Safety over "bravery"

[@alisonduncan3578]

Narcissist grooming his victim Created Uncertainty about your memory is abuse

[@HonorWillow]

I absolutely love OP gaslighting the gaslighter XD

[@Believesinpeace]

Have listened to this before but I hope the OP is safe and away from this narcissistic lunatic, he knew exactly what he was doing , making her feel like she was crazy to make her more dependent on him. Then telling others that she was having a mental breakdown, watching and even getting to her apartment door. She is very lucky that she changed the locks, my feeling is that he had plans to make it look like she had done it to herself especially seeing as he had warned others about her mental state.

[@abelink9229]

Story 1: the most heroic thing OP could have done is to survive and stay safe and OP achieved that.

[@SofieBjorkheim]

I absolutely LOVED her gaslighting him in the end and also seeing the movie with him. Everything that happened after that just showed she did the right thing. Good thing she didn't confront him f2f and alone.

[@maureenmaclaren372]

OP, you have had a very lucky escape, that boyfriend is a narcissist, love bombing, control and gaslighting are classic signs.

[@lily-zg6io]

exactly! everything is there: 1. OP was emotionally vulnerable because she just got out of a relationship, which he probably knew, or found out since they have friends in common 2. Love bombing and being the perfect man before the relationship even starts 3. Shows "normal" signs of controlling behaviour with the jealousy 4. Blame shifting for the jealousy with the "you were dancing with an asshole before", breaking into her social media 5. Long standing gaslighting, not just with the hiding stuff, but with the "you don't like your roommate anyways", telling someone they said something when they didn't is one of the most obvious tactics of gaslighting, along with claiming not to remember things that puts the abuser in an uncomfortable or compromising position 6. Rushing the relationship, pretty sure to create a sense of dependency, because living for 6-8 weeks with someone you've only been dating for a month is too short, especially since renovations for damp walls do not take more than 2-3 weeks if the guys are terribly slow, unless the place was extremely broken down 7. Putting up a front of a nice and "not so smart" guy, to make sure OP can't think she's being manipulated, people think manipulators are some evil genuises but most are just average people 8. Isolation attempts by controlling her whereabouts and trying to supervise who she was going out with, trying to control her studies OP did the best thing to try not to confront him, she was so smart to have the locks changed, to make sure she was protected before breaking up with him. Prioritising your safety is the best thing, even if it means never knowing why the person did this to you, which is frustrating and haunting, especially for victims of gaslighting, since even a small bit of it can fuck with you for the rest of your life, and leave you years after still wondering if maybe you weren't the problem and if it wasn't you fault

[@deniseslay9056]

OMG I’m so glad OP is safe. Forget reasoning a motive. Some people are just crazy. I have too many stories about dealing with people like this. To OP: you’re not a coward. You got yourself out of a very dangerous situation the best way you could. Good for you!!!!

[@raebauer2422]

The love bombing at the beginning of the relationship reminded me of my ex. It can be really intense.

[@glosaint-aime16]

I ❤when there is conclusion to a story!

[@valgill5036]

Sitting him down to watch ‘Gaslight’ together was a Queen move! I applaud you 👏👏👏👏

[@Lis_Kid]

OP handled the situation perfectly and I hope she lives a good life with someone who actually loves her

[@warriorcatskid003]

OP pulling a Hamlet with the movie Gaslight was very satisfying to listen to you read

[@tinygabriel9760]

Her constantly saying "he's a nice guy".. girl uve known him for 2 months..run hes manipulating her obviously.

[@moosehead4497]

You gaslighted him back ahahahhaha

[@miketannhauser5511]

Honestly, OP was very lucky to get out when and how she did; even got to capitalize on moving abroad for a semester. (cue the psychological thriller film where the scorned abusive ex follows OP abroad and stalks her back into insanity). I mean, this guy even started with a pretty obvious lovebombing phase; wanting to move quickly, showing with gifts and words of love within a month, etc. Massive kudos to OP for keeping her wits about her though and even getting a nanny cam. She made the right choice NOT to confront him directly. This is one of those stories where I would be curious how things went while OP was abroad, and even after she got back.

[@artemishallihan8973]

Actual real legit gaslighting. "He's a nice guy" then gives examples of love bombing and how he moved on her quickly while in a vulnerable state.

[@RandomGuy-j8t]

When it comes to gaslighting I'd handle as follows. Hidden cameras to record what they are doing, and to record that they are denying doing it. Confront them, leave, and tell EVERYONE they know what they were doing, so it exposes them. Show them the video clips as proof. This behavior needs to be exposed. These days it's SO easy to gather proof that someone is stalking you - cameras

[@elizabethescalante8114]

While OP calls the way she handled the break up cowardly, I call it being smart and, more importantly, SAFE!

[@wmdkitty]

I'm tapping out. I can see where this is going. It's just going to turn into a massive PTSD trigger for me.

[@Nstachow]

Showering with gifts and romantic gestyres is referred to as love bombing and its when people typically overwhelm the person with gestures to show affection to form attachment quickly.

[@jaycehoward2771]

I'm gonna guess and say he had her picked way before the party and was waiting for his opportunity. Dude sounds like he is in the beginning stages of becoming a serial killer...

[@nareegreel]

He love bombed her, rushed the relationship, all of a sudden they have apartment issues, and isolation, and is now actively trying to drive her crazy - textbook narcissist. OP is one of the smarter OPs since I've been on Reddit, she did everything exactly correct getting rid of him. Good on her

[@mycupoverflows7811]

I absolutely love how the girl in story 1 played with her boyfriend's mind. 😂😂 Made me lol!

[@tinaperkins2788]

I hope OP's parent changed their locks to their house also. He could have made them since he had access to their keys when be took them.

[@dw146]

Jeez! I hope she changed her passwords everywhere. Maybe even set up two-factor authentication and also blocked him and/or change security settings for who can see her profiles. I wouldn’t put it past that guy to be monitoring her by any means he had access to in order to maintain some sense of control over her life. I can just imagine her studying abroad and one day this guy shows up because he used the metadata from one of the pictures she posted that had her gps coordinates.

[@darkpone3731]

You don’t need to have a degree to screw with somebody’s head, that guy needs therapy and a padded room

[@paden1865able]

As well as a hug me jacket with lots of straps and buckles.

[@terryp2517]

I think the way she handled that was the best. He will never admit to his terrible behavior. Glad she got out of the situation and went abroad to start over for a little while He sounds like a person who has been used to people doubting their reality with him and him being in control. He's mad that he has none over her

[@Voodoomaria]

Story #1: The term "Gaslighting" so commonly used in these threads comes from the movie "Gaslight" [1940 and remade several times, I think the best version is the 1955 starring Ingrid Bergman] where-in a husband tries to convince his mentally delicate wife that she is insane in order to gain access and control of her money. The husband accomplishes this by moving objects or paintings, or hiding her jewellery, then accusing her of doing it herself, the title comes from him rigging the gas light jets in the house to increase and decrease in flow so the lights get brighter and darker, all the while pretending he doesn't notice any difference in the room lighting. This is what OP's boyfriend is doing to her. it's a method of controlling behaviour intended to break down her confidence in herself. HE is insecure, hence the jealousy, and so he is trying to make HER insecure so he can better control her behaviour. She needs to get shot of him RIGHT NOW!!! Update: I read OP's lists of red flags, HOW DID SHE NOT PUT ALL OF THIS TOGETHER!? She did the right thing by breaking up from a distance. Someone like that IS mentally unstable, and control freaks do get violent when the one they want to control outwits them and escapes. The final update was the clincher. In "Gaslight" the husband told all the wife's friends and family that she was in a very precarious mental state and may be going insane. His actions are right out of the movie play-book. Not surprised he went full-on psycho stalker.

[@elizabethescalante8114]

I'm happy OP got her semester abroad approved! I hope where she goes is safe and fun! And hopefully that pathetic bastard gets his comeuppance in gruesome fashion!!!!

[@nompilondlovu7713]

How do you get to be so trusting.

[@localg7024]

As soon as I heard that she was showered with gifts and notes, I immediately thought of love bombing. I can't remember if it was mentioned but it is used as a tactic as well and I'm glad OP got out.

[@damien678]

the flame note really sent me over the edge here, holy f***

[@leafyishereisdumbnameakath4259]

She may not have known what gaslighting was but she did the smartest thing at every turn

[@lapsedgoth]

A text break up is not only the safest method but it'll be a lot easier for you emotionally. He'd try and find more excuses, lie, lovebomb, whatever it would take to get you to change your mind. And there's the possibility that if you held firm he could have gotten violent. Glad you broke up with him via text

[@deedeeschway9566]

Texting the breakup was absolutely the best way. At the very least he would have tried to gaslight or love-bomb her more if she spoke to him at all. Avoidance is much more effective than confrontation when dealing with a gaslighter. Conversations are always a trap, don’t engage just ignore and they cannot get the upper hand. Always believe that they will outtalk you because no matter how smart either of you are, they’re the ones who know how to play the game and they pick partners who don’t even know it’s a game. OP did all the right things by maneuvering him out of the apartment before the breakup, changing the locks, not responding instead of engaging. Even not blocking him right away allowed her to get evidence of his behaviour.

[@tanyagraham7035]

I'm glad she got out before she got in too deep. Her ex sounds like a malignant narcissist. Her way of handling the break up was in no way cowardly when dealing with such individuals. Had she confronted him directly, I think he would have hurt or killed her.