Healing the Heart of a People Pleaser

[@justapseudonym7]

I'm going to rewatch these videos until my heart believes what my head understands

[@DavidStalljann-w9x]

so true :)

[@smokingcrab2290]

Same. Been watching every day. God is good

[@victoriawerner3403]

I had the same thought!

[@justapseudonym7]

I'm back lol. I've started therapy as well and I'm slowly seeing change in my life. The biggest thing for me was learning to acknowledge my feelings because I was used to ignoring them and attuning to everyone else's feelings instead. Using an emotion wheel alongside RAIN (recognize, allow, investigate, and nurture your emotions) helps me. I've also learned to have more grace for myself because I wanted a quick fix. The lack of grace and impatience also prevented me from taking conversations slow and giving myself time to respond rather than react with an automatic "yes". I practice with my therapist and husband first because they're a safe space. I'm also considering joining a codependency group.

[@justapseudonym7]

It was sad realizing most of my childhood relationships were based off toxic guilt rather than love, especially with my mom. I asked God 2-3 years ago to teach me what love is and how to love myself and others. I never knew it would bring me here. I grew up Muslim in a Nigerian household and brought over a lot of my trauma and beliefs when I became Christian. I'm having to work through what I once thought was true to what God actually says is true. Even sharing this feels awkward and brings up guilt because I was taught not to share what was done in the home, to "keep it in the family"

[@tonypino5415]

The power of the Holy Spirit and using some of your methods has started a pattern of healing that I've been praying for years for. Thank you brother from another mother, and Praise Jesus!

[@coffeytnmilk7]

Part of the problem is people pleasers don’t attract healthy friendships, so there tends not to be safe people who (vessels as you call them) to encourage you in coming out of dysfunction. At least this has been my experience. My friends tend to drive me further into people pleasing. I’ve prayed for many years for these safe people but thus far I haven’t found them. In the meantime, I’m trying to trust God and endure/heal with His help.

[@Dave_The_Beatmaker]

Feel you 100% I had this one friend whom I would consider my best friend. He did not suck me dry and I could be myself and not lose, but gain life energy. Too bad we live several thousand miles apart. In the end it is as you said "I’m trying to trust God and endure/heal with His help". Just feels good to know there are safe ppl on this earth.

[@justapseudonym7]

When you start saying no, these people will leave and the people who respect your "no" will stay.

[@smokingcrab2290]

As a people pleaser myself, what I hate most is that I exhaust myself molding to others. I never feel truly free. I have a problem with not being able to be myself in front of my inlaws. It's so wierd. I don't understand why. They're good people but they have a way of life that I have a strong intuition they will judge me for if I don't mold to their way of life. And my wife is super attached to them. And I know she projects their expectations onto me too, because she still lives in the herself. It's performance based. It's all about their interests. They're very generous people but I feel like it's very very difficult for me to actually connect with them and have a relationship with them. I feel very out of place. And constantly feeling like I have to suppress who I am and not let it flow naturally is a really crappy feeling.

[@LG-br3fe]

Exactly my predicament. Praying for healthy friendships that will encourage my healing. It seems all I can see is toxic people around me. I am trusting God more in this process though and I know I am where he wants me to be.

[@CarrotCake7]

Same here. I made the wrong friends simply for the sake of "friendship" and it perpetuates the people pleasing and rejection mindset inside me. But you are right, we should trust God for His help.

[@christophermeadon5473]

It cost me my marriage. Lying to spare feelings, not being good with communication, not wanting to engage in conflict. I dont drink, never cheated, never abusive Reflecting back and asking for forgiveness from God. I pray that in time she will return. We have two kids. But for now I have/want to focus on seeking the face of God.

[@SecretPlace91]

Praying for you, brother!

[@smokingcrab2290]

Sounds to me like you weren't entirely at fault here. But in marriage you can't be a pleaser to your wife. I did that for several months and it ended in nothing but bitterness and resentment. Don't ever stop being the real you because of a woman. There's ways to navigate women, but don't ever suppress the truth just because of their feelings.

[@yuan1630]

How have you been? Praying for you

[@Yanyan-qq8pg]

@@smokingcrab2290 I've done the same with my husband but we're trying to figure it out... :/

[@fionag8869]

O M G SH....THIS HAS BEEN AN EYEOPENER, THE LORD LED ME HERE AND EVERYTHING U SAID IS ME, the Lord showed me just the other day that im a ppl pleaser and im 62 yrs old, this was so good i got sooo much out of it THANK U!!

[@bettinabizer]

“Deal with your history” “process it” Thank you Mark! That was key to me. Not easy to discern processing from ruminating though😃 Thank you for your teachings! God bless you❣️

[@thokochikuni9689]

Avoiding bad feelings isn't Love. That sank in. 😢

[@AdventuresofEmilyandLily]

I can't serve you if I'm pleasing you...super powerful. Serving is way more genuine and lovely in the eyes of our Lord

[@Andrewjapaneserees]

I'm 32 and have been a people pleaser for as long as I've had breath. This is the 🔑. I can't recognize if it's Spiritual gifts of giving or my ppl pleasing habit.

[@Dave_The_Beatmaker]

I just turned 31 and I feel you 100% same over here.

[@moniquepierce5620]

Thank you Holy Spirit for humbling me. I have to acknowledge myself and not judge anyone else! I'm not longer a victim and take responsibility for relational dysfunction I operated in for years. The roots started in my childhood. I was born to be a servanvt but overtime became a people pleaser to avoid being condemned, abused, punished, or rejected. I am an example of the first 5 things discussed. Now that I'm born again I want to be delivered from those 5 things and the identity of a People Pleaser. I am called to love and serve.. but when I start out that way..I end up people pleasing and not sure how to stop. I struggle to express my boundaries and uphold them. The guilt is overwhelming and I feel Lorded over. Holy Please with God's redeeming love, redeem me and Ramon and LaRaysha and Renette from these shackles in Jesus name Amen 🙏🏾

[@semhalberhe]

Amen 🙏

[@kristinjenson1409]

That's so awesome. You're not alone. I'm working on this myself. Remember it is a journey of healing and will take time.

[@moniquepierce5620]

@@kristinjenson1409 I needed the reminder..A journey. I had been so anxious recently concerning wanting to change. I'm studying Romans and praying to overcome condemnation! After watching another video about condemnation and studying on our Fathers character, I'm resting in His love and Grace! I'm going to be better than Ok! His love really is redeeming in so many ways! I feel more secure, peaceful, joyous, trusting and satisfied in Jesus alone! Blessings to you ❤️ I hope this year is filled with More Faith, Grounded hope, and redeeming love!! 🤗🌈💕

[@daniellim8964]

God can humble you to "wake up", and stop being nice to stay where you should not be, and make people hate you and live with a delusional story which "respects" them.

[@matsheposeletswane7495]

Please pray for me. I have come a long way but still have a long way to go. I need prayers.😭

[@catherinecarelli6056]

When I finally set boundaries I was cut off from others.

[@Ninishiningleaf]

Congratulations! You shed the toxicity there, making space for wonderful people who respect you.

[@daniellim8964]

Staying where you should not be, to be nice is disrespecting your own peace.

[@Introverted100]

Once I was cutoff from others I was finally able to set boundaries.

[@newchangenewlife]

My goodness this is reading me like a book. I had to step up and open my mouth to say no and establish boundaries in a relationship that was fueled by fear, anxiety, looking for acceptance and then with the other party using my service to their gain and my detriment. And the part where you said when you stop serving in church unfortunately these relationships dissolve because it was works based and not love based. I thought I was the only one that felt I had just work relationships with those in church.

[@beans06]

After listening to this i realized how much of a people pleaser i am. I had no idea until i reflected listening to your words how much i need to practice self love. It's a sobering fact and now i know I need to learn my self worth. Thank you. I appreciate you opening my eyes. I am grateful for a new day with a brand new shift.

[@ElouiseDavies]

You do crack me up “ no don’t start spinning”what you’re saying is so real, the whole “what if I’m a social path” thinking patterns. I appreciate you keeping it real. Praise God for honest teachings. Thank you Mark and bless you.

[@michelletschupp]

So so true! I can identify with everything you said. I am a people pleaser!

[@colorfulthinker]

This was a really great message (even tho i was goofing around in the chat...sorry😁) I wanted to leave a comment so the algorithm will pay more attention to your channel. You're always giving great messages with so much love. Thank you🥰🧸

[@margaretgrosskreuz8687]

Yep colorful thinker. Had to set up my new phone. Did get goofy with you. But no harm done huh I don't think we had TOO MUCH fun today. Hahaha. Jesus is Lord and sees our hearts He likes Joy 👑

[@colorfulthinker]

@@margaretgrosskreuz8687 yup! I had lots of fun! Heehee! The Lord knew I needed a good laugh. Hallelujah!🤍We’ll be more together next time… or will we?😏 *insert X Files music* love you and hope you have a great night.

[@margaretgrosskreuz8687]

@@colorfulthinker ty love you too stay joyful (if you wish!!) It was a gift to me. And I'm very grateful to finally have my new phone activated. .never did jump back on the live chat. Y'all had a lot of fun beyond the shadow of a doubt!!!

[@colorfulthinker]

@@margaretgrosskreuz8687 I’m still looking for shadow, have you seen him or her… it?👀

[@veronicafravola7145]

Yes I agree I do want to please God and i am working on not caring what people think but I actually still do. Thank you for this video

[@margaretgrosskreuz8687]

Oh wow you hit on a good point Doing things out of fear of abandonment. So wise Praise God for you Mark 🎶

[@audreypistor4610]

Everything you said was more than any therapist ever explained to me I felt everything you said that was exactly me. I am so glad I came across your site. I have to work on a lot. Thank you. God Bless you and by the way, you are very funny.

[@Dave_The_Beatmaker]

yes, he is so funny, cracks me up all the time xD

[@estelleclements5515]

Get in the flow and if people don't love you back -its okay. Really want to stop people pleasing, thank you so much for this Mark. Love the squirm when not receiving a gift well😊.

[@audienceofone1043]

These truths are HARD!!! Thank you so much for this. It’s time to heal!

[@sparklefarkle6950]

“Relearn what love is and what love is NOT!” That’s a tall order!! Thank you for making me examine my life honestly and tuning out the voices I have let drive me for so long!

[@mistyflores3176]

Bro, you are on a ROLL! Love these videos and definitely a blessing for us all. 🙌🏼 ☝🏼💙

[@MelissaDeJesus777]

❤

[@Psalmchild]

Wow- you are so anointed with wisdom from Holy Spirit brother. Praise God! Thank you and God bless you and your familu

[@braulindisla-elburrodelaba5361]

Thanks for this video, unfortunately am a people pleaser and i want to change

[@iyanttahowellmd]

What a great segment! The gift giving/receiving example was hilarious! Thank you for making years of what I always thought was strange about the church make PRACTICAL sense. You are a true gift to the body!🌟

[@annecampbell2891]

Brilliant.

[@johnnieboy66]

Your videos truly are wonderful Mark 💪

[@marktdejesus]

@johnnieboy66 I am so glad! Appreciate that

[@daughteroflight8624]

😮This is such a great eye opening moment for me. Seriously whenever anyone showed me love I get away from them, and was always pleasing those who doesn't care or guilt-trip me. 😢 Thank you so so much for uploading this video. 🌸

[@cassondraingles9407]

I do have a question. What do you do if you have been brought up to do things to please a parent? My mom would guilt me if she came I didn't get the dishes or laundry done. It would start with an attitude and the silent treatment. I knew not to do that again. My mom would only acknowledge you if she was happy with you. If not, you got the silent treatment. I'm 39 years old and she still does it. I have had to just remove her from my life and tell her no. That's where my people pleasing started. So if mom was happy and I did things for her, it kept her happy. If I kept that up with her then I thought I had to do that with everyone and everything I did. I've lived my whole live this way.

[@caleb95777]

Yes, i need this video more than anything or anyone in my life for my own well-being, I feel a weight being lifted off of me thats been carried for to long as i turn 30 this year.

[@KatI422-r3m]

Wow Min Mark.. this message is so needed. REAL therapy/ counseling. Thank you brother.

[@daleenduplessis8074]

This is good...i am buzy with this for 2 year now...and its not easy but God is faithfull...thank U for Your help in this erea...i need this everyday...thank U

[@regenaupsher5300]

I appreciate your teaching. It is such a blessing.

[@LamunuStella-s2u]

You have just opened my eyes in an amazing way about my self. Have been a people pleaser all my life. I need healing. Precious Holy Spirit hold my hands through this journey 🙏

[@mikem4883]

Every video I listen to helps this old man. Mark. THANK YOU. Melissa, THANK YOU for sharing Mark. Mike M

[@justapseudonym7]

30:28 You're right about the avoiding bad feelings. I would do this and it got to the point that I no longer felt "good feelings" either and I was just numb to all my emotions

[@mariabrown8725]

I feel like you were talking to me . 🙌🏽✨I thought It would change my circumstances BOY WAS I WRONG 😑 ITS BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING FOR LOVE 💕 IN THE WRONG WAY. THE BATTLE IS NOT YOURS BUT GOD🙌🏽 AMEN HALLELUJAH

[@randallmanns5211]

Thank you for posting this. I thank God for leading me to your page and for your work. This wisdom has helped me greatly.

[@rayyjayy274]

Thank you God for Mark and his family bless them lord in the name of Jesus!!! Amen 🙏 🙏

[@anneboyle2240]

Just recently found you and thank you Lord for the blessing you are! This is just fabulous and explained clearly with so much ease and a feeling of phew, it's okay, it's gonna work out! So much acceptance and kindness. I'm a chronic people pleaser all my life, saved nearly six years, still going on and it's a robber of joy and when you said people pleasing creates noise, i was like, yes!!! Yes!!!! It just causes noise, drama and takes me away from what I'm supposed to be doing for and with the Lord Jesus ❤️ i don't know how many times I said to myself yesterday about a people pleasing situation - this is not love. People pleasing is not love. It's bondage and you're not helping the other person AT ALL. Thank you Mark. I'll be listening to all your videos now and will be having a look at your website and resources. I want to be free to be myself (discovering that) and free to love ❤ God bless you my dear brother. I laughed so much by the way - "i need to decrease.....😂😂😂😂😂😂 Brilliant.

[@daniellim8964]

Staying where you should not be, to be nice is toxic guilt, and should be ended.

[@pam8242]

Such WISDOM ❤

[@melissaphillis7247]

Thank you Mark, it all makes sense and I hope to remember it....

[@doralaka9820]

Thank you, brother Mark 🙏

[@TheUnknownLegend1234]

I needed this today. Thanks, Mark!

[@rootedinyah]

Hi Mark absolutely love this video thank you for everything you provided I wasn’t sure if you were aware at the very end of your videos when you make your closing remarks the music is louder than your voice so we can’t really hear what you’re closing with not sure that it’s such a big issues just wanted to tell you in case you didn’t know thank you for all you do

[@marktdejesus]

Thanks for letting me know. Some others have mentioned it to. I am working on getting that worked out.

[@Jose-fh5dw]

Hey Mark so today I was at work and one of my managers ask if me or my coworker could do something while the other person handles something else and she had a tone & I responded back with a tone as well like "the jack is charging" because we use that for stocking product, I felt Instant regret for I had done. I had dealt with a similar situation beforehand and I apologized for speaking in a tone that I knew I shouldn't have done. I felt really guilty and bad for I had done & I ended up apologizing, but I also felt like a heavy burden that If I don't apologize I won't "feel" God's presents & that what I did was not alright because I'm a Christian & I shouldn't be speaking like this too anyone. And I felt this burden of apologizing meanwhile I said "sorry" when I was talking explaining what the problem was with the jack. but I feel like she wasn't aware of what I was apologizing for nor do I think she even heard me. And I feel like this burden of apologizing & I feel like if I do I'm giving into condemnation & my thoughts. And I tried Praying about it and I felt forgiven, but at the same time it keeps popping back up and I still feel this burden of apologizing. I was wondering if you could tell me what kind of ministry am I listening too? Because I watched some of your videos and it seems like I am listening to the ministry of condemnation but I don't know if I should apologize because I feel so pressured to do so and its been on my mind all day and I feel like I can't get no rest from this until I apologize. And I don't want to keep hiding from God but I can't help but feel guilty. Can you please help? Thanks! God Bless!

[@rondawallis957]

This is great! Thanks!

[@simplywhittneyk]

This is so good! So glad God led me to this video. I prayed, searched and was lead to this video. Thebes to making this clear

[@korcampbell6096]

Hi Mark thank you for doing all these videos it's helping me and God bless you 🙏

[@andrewcerrone4096]

Thanks

[@richfaith379]

Thank you very much.

[@daleenduplessis8074]

Mark i still struggel with the problem where people's say they wil give or do something and then theye don't....and then i do it on my own and they accuse me that i don't want help i alway's want to do thing on my own...and i know it's not true... i ignore it but want to break the circles in my life...is it wrong relationships why do they keep on doing it to me...iwant to adress the issue in me to be heal in this erea..thanks so much

[@Laura-lu7yb]

This is something I'm working on with my celebrate recovery group

[@zoe9708]

The loneliness after stopping people pleasing is very hard to take. But at the same time there is no way back for me into my old patterns. You lose so many "friends" because you dont please anymore. I know I'm gonna win in the long run but this is hard.

[@momione11]

This started for me when i was 7 years old.

[@jeffreychavey4161]

One of the hardest things in life has been cutting off people who use you like an implement to make their lives easier .. also the ones who disrespect you. Growing pains, I guess you might say

[@Ronalee.]

amazing content ...always

[@jessicascott8780]

😮‍💨oouuf to the learning to say no. This is so helpful 👏❤

[@rachelseibert7882]

You are so spot on! Thank you, this was so helpful!

[@Dave_The_Beatmaker]

This will be a tough one for me, but I am looking forward to this episode on my healing journey.

[@leneshagoldsmith927]

Thank you.

[@iw9338]

Yep. So my pastor ridiculed my 2 nephews who went to a different church, from the pulpit 😮

[@smokingcrab2290]

That's not a real pastor. What a joke of a guy if he did that. Shame on him.

[@ginamicheletti5567]

Thank you this has been so helpful for me.

[@christinenguyen2293]

Thank you so much for this!

[@denisegebhart4753]

Wow wonderful teaching! I thank God for this 33:42

[@robbiecleighmarks3088]

It's like you've vocalized my entire life.. im 33 years old, and im still in this cycle. Probably some fruit to root i can put my finger on.. idk if i should seek counseling or what? I love Jesus, but i obiously am incapable of being a good christian and loving Him properly.. wow that hurts to type.

[@shawnboahene5231]

There are no such thing as good Christians (Mark 10:18). All fall short of the glory of God and all people sin that is we are all incapable of loving God properly that is why we need Christ. It’s His righteousness that saves us, not our own. It sounds like you are being too hard on yourself. Perhaps you should talk to a Christian counselor, I don’t know if you have scrupulosity, but it may be a factor. At the very least it could help you gain a new perspective from another brother or sister that can look at you more objectively. It seems like you really love the LORD and want to move forward in spiritual growth. Sometimes we need a deeper work, I know I do.

[@TheZandra373]

One thing I’ve realized I have 2nds thoughts less of what people think and more of what message am I conveying and does it please God

[@jenn_jean_kent_artist]

Churches seem to be the place that promotes this system of rewards based on performance.

[@smokingcrab2290]

Many do, unfortunately. Not mine though

[@itscareina]

Your videos are very helpful to me.

[@kellyk8966]

That's me!

[@miriamt7094]

How do we differentiate people pleasing vs being sensitive to hurting people feelings because a certain topic might be sensitive for them? Is it people pleasing to be nervous/careful not to hurt them?

[@Window4503]

I’m also a people pleaser, but I can say that the difference is that you’re not in charge of people’s feelings. Say whatever is true in the kindest way possible. Yes, it might be a hard topic, but will it hurt them more if you don’t bring it up at all? Then address it and frame it without attacking them. Listen to what they need, but the minute they start to blame you for how they feel or the actual CONTENT of what you’re trying to tell them or discuss, that’s on them. You might need to negotiate when’s a good time to discuss said topic or figure out what those boundaries are, but don’t let that stop you from saying what needs to be said. At the end of the day, you can’t make anyone feel anything: their emotions are a choice. You can sin against them which is wrong, but it’s not a sin to do the RIGHT THING and someone just has the WRONG REACTION to the good you did or said.

[@daniellim8964]

Also like how to be wise enough to receive learning, BUT NOT into territory of going along with a manipulation even if it is pretended as a non sugar coated "truth" or whatever.

[@daniellim8964]

​@@Window4503 you can use vulgarities which is sinful and offends them, or you can say what you believe should be said and people can mistakenly feel how they want.

[@daniellim8964]

Sometimes the most loving thing is to tell people, you are on your way to destruction, and wait for a response before telling them the bible way to heaven, or disengage and leave it to God.

[@knowtruth2773]

More often than not, it's not our job to correct people, people usually know what they are doing wrong. Being kind isn't people pleasing, it's just being kind. ❤

[@MargaretHeuer]

I always feel if my husband is mad at me then the Lord is mad at me😢 I don't know how to separate that

[@jovanajovanovska7485]

Please pray for me i am introvert impatient and with guilt. I need healing in Jesus name. 🙏🏻

[@iw9338]

Mark i think you created a new dance , the squirm! 😂

[@singhtivityy9806]

The issue is that when i set my boundaries at work they hit me up with retaliation or passive aggressive behavior. It’s why i feel stuck and do you have any tips how I can navigate through this please.

[@jenn_jean_kent_artist]

How do we heal in the church when so many reject and abandon in the church? Adding insult to injury…

[@smokingcrab2290]

It starts with you. It starts with me. One person at a time.

[@Laura-lu7yb]

This has been so hard for me,

[@fionag8869]

BTW, NEW SUB HERE 😅

[@MargaretHeuer]

WOW that's me

[@MargaretHeuer]

How do you be your self

[@animalliberationCLBB]

Hate myself for being like this and can't saying NO. And of course I hate it on others 😢

[@shawnboahene5231]

Same here. People pleasing always builds resentment as we feel forced to give into others demands when we don’t have to. It makes me feel like the people we are pleasing are oppressors and I feel agitated being around them. I need to work on this too. God wants us to be free and freely serve other making our yeses yes and nos no. People pleasing aka fawning is a fear response and not of God.

[@animalliberationCLBB]

​@@shawnboahene5231yes. Whole life lesson. But doable. Most of it is from childhood.. so I was angry with my mother😅 it's all to forgive our self and practice.. We just want to be loved. But Self-love and Self worth first then these people are mostly gone.. keep going ❤ in the end these people are just helpers for US. Much Blessings and strength from Germany 😊

[@ogorchukwulilianodili5552]

A people pleaser looking up to the grace of God.

[@MargaretHeuer]

Me driven by quilt 😢

[@airdrumchick]

❤❤❤

[@tango-bravo]

to quote e e Cummings, keep “marching against the dark”

[@TheRealJAYDOSS]

5:00

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

Tiny sins are struggling with