People Pleasing: An Addiction in Disguise | Janice Burt | TEDxActonAcademyGuatemala

[@jennifermckernan1000]

Love without boundaries is torture

[@evie-c]

when you are raised in chaos, the high you get from offering peace or help to those we love is really something else - but it does truly come at a cost if there are no boundaries.

[@waltersiegismund]

exactly, well put...

[@patrice8657]

The high we get. You nailed it!

[@pamcampbell3920]

one of the worst things about people pleasing is the way that behavior can cause you to start expecting everyone else to act the same way, at least that's been my experience

[@JaniceBurt]

Absolutely. Anyone with boundaries and a solid sense of self can be off-putting when you're a people pleaser.

[@mohammadforoutan9334]

Definitely that's why i believe people pleasing in that stage becomes sort of an act of narcissism

[@vikram.vibing]

This is so true.

[@pamcampbell3920]

@@mohammadforoutan9334 true, good call

[@tedandkellybundyslovechild]

@@mohammadforoutan9334please elaborate!?

[@samanthakatzalay]

We are socialized from an early age to please people so that we fit in. Be nice, don't pinch that little boy, wait your turn... it starts as toddlers and then we self police it as children

[@mariannemortimer7724]

It took me until I was about 25 to learn that not everyone has to like you, and you're not going to like everyone either! I think we can apply a similar thing to people pleasing.

[@anonisanonymous]

still learning that lol

[@jonathancooper4914]

Took me thirty years to unlearn people pleasing. Hardest thing I’ve ever done by a country mile. But the best.

[@JaniceBurt]

@@jonathancooper4914 Absolutely the best! Congrats on breaking free. 🙌

[@jonathancooper4914]

@@JaniceBurt thanks. Every step of the way was blood, sweat and tears, but it was worth it. It was ultimately something only I could do.

[@JaniceBurt]

@@jonathancooper4914 👏💪❤️

[@robyncrosby666]

IT IS SO ADDICTING! Especially when you have an anxious or ambivalent attachment style - we are human and we just want to feel like we are needed and appreciated.

[@JaniceBurt]

True! I've found the more I like/love and am proud of myself, the less likely I am to please others for the sake of validation or feeling loved.

[@Techbaddiee]

As a people pleaser , I don’t care to help anyone. I just do it so I don’t get myself into trouble like getting thrown out, arrested, fired , etc. staying quiet has kept me out of trouble. But I do not care about those people I “ please” at the moment. Working on my situation so I can be who I truly am… unapologetically 🎉

[@bogu3290]

When you stop people pleasing, you soon are going to gain resources, which enable you to really help people.

[@justadude117X]

overcoming the fears inside, no matter how valid or how they were formed is the most diificult step for me. im always terrified of others reactions, verbal or physical, real or imagined.

[@buddhaneosiddhananda8499]

"Service is love in action..." We should all try to be helpful...🌹🌹

[@swathi5773]

Awareness + healing wound + self love = desired outcome/freedom

[@kashaiq]

I think it's tough to get it right because a lot of the time the way we express love is a direct reflection of what we were deprived of as children. So you might not recognize the damage you're doing to yourself in order to please others

[@mariannereed1555]

Your personal testimony brought me to tears. I have been in bondage to this addiction for 59 years. It is a hard painful way to live. ❤Thank you for this encouragement

[@JaniceBurt]

@@mariannereed1555 Thank you for sharing your heart. It is painful and there is hope for change no matter the length of the addiction. I'm rooting for you!! 💪

[@elainarogers]

I'm convinced that if we put all people pleasers on an island, it would be a really nice place to live.

[@santacruzskirts]

It’s surprisingly horrible in my experience. People pleasers are generous but sooner or later get resentful. They are not cheerful givers; they are exhausted.

[@JaniceBurt]

@@santacruzskirts Soooo true!

[@finafy3317]

"Self love starts the moment when you trust to yourself". I should run a dozen of marathon before I 'll reach this confidence

[@JaniceBurt]

I don't believe it has to be a marathon. Following through on even small commitments helps us cultivate trust in ourselves. I'm all about baby steps! ☺

[@theeclecticcollector101]

Nah, it'll have started without you realising but you don't give yourself credit. You have written a comment on the world's third largest website, potentially to be seen by 2 billion people. That in itself means you have enough self- confidence to believe your comment is worth making, which it is. Just be aware of little successes and the big successes will come.

[@grantstewart5236]

I found that people in the midst of people pleasing, believe they are entitled to your approval. If they don't get what they need from you, they become quite angry.

[@doritad3637]

As a people pleaser I can say you are right, when we don’t get the approval we get very offended

[@jimkaye8160]

What a great presentation. I am in my early 70's and just recently realized what I have been doing. "He is so nice" described me perfectly. I was bullied a LOT, had low self esteem, always agreed........... until one day there was this awakening. You have helped me on my journey more than you know! THANK YOU !!

[@JaniceBurt]

🙏🙏🙏

[@eastkunst]

Hello, I’m in my early 30’s and have experienced the same as you. I was eager to be seen as “She is so nice”. But I have decided not to try to be a good person to everyone anymore. -From South Korea

[@elaineclouston]

Oh yeah, can 100% relate to this. When I was younger my way of making friends was just giving them stuff and when I was a teenager I used to go to the mall with my 'friends' and steal things for them. Thankfully I grew out of this but as I got older I realized it was very much tied in to wanting people to like me and trying to please them.

[@AmyElizabethBehnke]

Christ is a great example to follow for being authentic and assertive 🎉

[@happyamandaryan]

What a liberating moment for me when I realized that it's ok if someone doesn't like me or if I don't like them.

[@JaniceBurt]

@@happyamandaryan 🙌👏🤸

[@anafernandez8505]

I am a people´s pleaser since I was born. The reason why I am a people´s pleaser is that my family trained me to please them. They taught me to be the person they wanted me to be.

[@JaniceBurt]

It definitely can start with how we are raised. I hope you have achieved some freedom from the disease to please.

[@anafernandez8505]

@@JaniceBurt I have just started to achieve some freedom and it is really hard to change my tendency at my age (48)

[@JaniceBurt]

@@anafernandez8505 It is hard, but I love that we can do hard things and evolve into the women we're meant to be...no matter what age! Keep fighting and then surrendering into that space of freedom and peace. 🙏👏

[@wfqsfg]

Its a long story but I discovered I was a people pleaser in my 60s. Once I discovered this through my own research I noticed so much of my daily energy and thoughts were geared towards getting approval or getting admired or impressing someone (bragging). I noticed it was an addiction. I kept planning in my mind my next encounter with someone to get either a friendly acknowledgement or some sort of approval. When I got it, it was like a drug. I got my fix. On to the next fix. Thinking about this I realized I never really fully developed me. I was what ever I needed to be at the moment. My discovering it is an addiction is only recent which I why I am looking at videos like this. Another thing. My career was a disaster. Struggled my whole career. Had a hard time making and keeping friends.

[@JaniceBurt]

@@wfqsfg Thank you for sharing your experience. It was definitely an addiction for me as well. There is hope for recovery!

[@dustinprichards]

As an inveterate people pleaser, this was a very useful talk for me!

[@the-real-fedora_the_explorer]

yeah, me too. I didn't even think it was a problem until now

[@I-Am-june-day]

I appreciated this talk because I seek outside validation of my "worth" instead of believing in myself.

[@diggerreese]

it's definitely an addiction!

[@JaniceBurt]

For some, like me, it definitely can be! 😮‍💨

[@100zerubabel]

Yessss! We all Can, with the very first Step!

[@tjjones-xj7kq]

Thanks I was just watching this when family called and offered some snacks they bought that I'm not a huge fan of. Usually I'd say sure I'll "try" it only got it to rott in the fridge or take up space in the freezer. Here I was able to politely say no and feel great! I hate "fake" people and as a people pleaser I'm being fake!!!!

[@sofiatclara]

What an eye opening talk Janice. Had no idea pleasing people could turn into an addiction.

[@kenyaamina257]

thank-you, thank-you, thank-you...I share this video with people often

[@JaniceBurt]

Thank YOU! 🙏

[@waltersiegismund]

These TEDs done during COVID don't feel the same, but the content in this one is really good.

[@phillipnorris3rd]

you beat me here, saw it posted too!

[@waltersiegismund]

@@phillipnorris3rd haha I did!

[@JaniceBurt]

I appreciate that, Walter! I did feel like I cheated a bit recording it versus doing it in person. Plus, it's different without the audience interaction.

[@yogalife365]

I tried to check many lectures on people pleasing and this is the one that's full of many takeaways.

[@Scorpion-b1e]

Im sorry, but as a person who has been addicted to many things, people pleasing is NOT an addiction. At least for me. It's more of a subconscious behavior or reaction. I was criticized a lot by my father as a child, and it made me think I was never good enough, so i tried to be perfect to seek approval by people pleasing (which never worked). My mom was and still is a people pleaser, and I was raised by her, so it rubbed off on me as well. I never got dopamine from people pleasing. I never got any pleasurable feelings from people pleasing. I actually hated doing it as well as the outcome.

[@marekzagdanski]

Sometimes I struggle with knowing whether I'm people-pleasing or just trying to be agreeable.

[@JaniceBurt]

Do you please others from a place of fear or love? Is it to get validation so you can feel good enough or are there no strings attached? These are some good questions to consider. There is nothing wrong with being agreeable, but it may be people pleasing if you are doing it to the detriment of yourself/your wellbeing/your values.

[@realdealholyfield3699]

Thank God I found out this regarding myself when I was 25. Now that I’ve been grinding towards breaking out of these addictions/habits, I’ve been much happier without really much of anything changing outside of me.

[@JaniceBurt]

@@realdealholyfield3699 Bravo!! 👏

[@momione11]

This does not only apply to love relationships. This started for me at the age of 7. With a father with mental illness. Mood swings. Taught me to walk on eggshells. My mother then chose a narc when I was 9 years old. In that relationship, my mother became a total doormat. Also co-dependent as she always was. So I learned to be all ready and never have a voice or say stop. Been a total doormat. But August 2021. I totally fell apart. Like I had no strength left. Be like a caught fish sipping air. Totally obeyed in the relationship I had. Did everything he wanted. But my body started screaming from the inside. Got sicker and sicker. Also got physical pain in my body. The body became as if inflamed. My words didn't come out. They were as if stuck inside the body. But this was also a turning point. Totally burned myself out. Also see that not all relationships I've become like this. But drawn to it. So this has been my addiction to totally give myself up. Became an abandoholic too. There was nothing left of me. Started to build myself up slowly. But been a painful journey. Taking one day at a time. Getting to know myself again. Seeing my own worth that never existed.

[@dahliaegil]

Yes it is absolutely surreptitious the way we don't realize how much we mess ourselves up trying to please others.

[@rahataleem6544]

Although fresh, this is becoming a predominant conversation about what it means to truly serve ourselves before others and how it's beneficial for EVERY ONE.

[@JaniceBurt]

@@rahataleem6544 YES! ❤️

[@bleugh9451]

I've been guilty of saying yes to doing something for my boss that wasn't work related because I wanted her to like me and it did very little to improve our rapport. Definitely something I regret

[@basilfaulty7643]

Have often wondered if the conditioning from most organized belief systems instilled a fear of serving one's self first and foremost. Excellent talk Ms. Burt. More food for thought on the topic.

[@HopefulTribe]

AMEN! Thanks for this beautiful and timely presentation, Janice!

[@MarthaFragoso-m2h]

❤Thank you so much 🌼it helps me a lot ♥️I am a people pleasing but I want to change my life 🙏🌷

[@teclio7379]

I think this is one of those 'everything in moderation' kind of things. It's wonderful to be able to help someone or do something lovely just for the sake of making someone feel special or loved, but yes, when that comes at a personal cost it can become a bit of a detriment.

[@JaniceBurt]

I think it has everything to do with our intention. I think being kind and serving others is awesome too, just not when we do it to earn approval, to get something in return, or when it goes against our values. Thanks for the comment! 😊

[@irinab9585]

Preach !

[@robialamsyah8788]

Hii, I find someone for making conversation about cross culture. If you can help me, just reply this comment. Ok... Actually this is my exercise from my lecture.

[@jeffsongomez440]

Well said..

[@ryleightucker]

I've always heard that the first step in fixing any issue is awareness. I think it'd be hard to deny my people pleasing ways these days!

[@derekgraves8758]

I kept nodding my head when she described what we do to please the people around us. Guilty to all those things.

[@miatbenjamin]

I think people pleasing is dangerous because it's not just about doing things people ask of you without question, it's about having that kind of personality where you're agreeable... like it's easier to just do/say this and really it doesn't bother me too much anyway... but if you have that mentality it's really difficult to just stop and figure out how you _actually_ think and feel about things... as well as how easy it is to be taken advantage of!

[@dinodm769]

Could be even worse. People get used to everything being about them and you serving them. The moment you go through tough times (such as divorce, sickness, etc), they will be the first ones to ghost you as they don't understand why you are not there for them. So, that could make a really bad situation a horrible situation.

[@elisbrokli]

There's a lot of interesting stuff to consider here, that people-pleasing can be an addiction isn't something I've thought about before.

[@randomthought1556]

I don't know if it's an addiction for me but this really resonated. I'm guilty of this behaviour - especially in the workplace. Lots of agreeing to do things to help other people when I already have so much on my plate and never saying 'no' when called in on my days off.. it's not sustainable but I just don't know how to... not.

[@JaniceBurt]

Thank you for sharing! I would start with figuring out what you may be running from. Usually, we show up as people pleasers when there's an emotional wound that hasn't healed. We try to fill that void with people's validation.

[@dfiant5846]

The most heart felt video I’ve seen on KZbin ever🙏🏽🥰💯 THANK YOU!!!

[@JaniceBurt]

Thank you for your kind words! 🙏 ❤

[@olgajensen3005]

Great 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻💞

[@fannyriemath7044]

"walk thru your fear" and at the end there's beauty! Wonderfully presented!!! Gracias!

[@JaniceBurt]

Gracias a ti!! 🙏

[@ShreyafromIndia]

Heartfelt

[@cynthiawarren9379]

Thanks

[@robialamsyah8788]

Hii, I find someone for making conversation about cross culture. If you can help me, just reply this comment. Ok... Actually this is my exercise from my lecture.

[@patricialam9548]

Thank you so much for this amazing ted talk, Janice. This the one of the best KZbin.

[@JaniceBurt]

Thank you for your kind words, Patricia! xoxo

[@justinspykerman]

That was an amazing Ted Talk, it's my new favorite!

[@JaniceBurt]

What an incredibly sweet thing to say! Thank you! 🙏

[@channelcannes]

I think it's tricky but like all things you can maintain a balance where the people in your life are naturally pleased by the things you're doing anyway, so you don't have to go too far out of your way to 'please' them.

[@averagestudent4632]

I've never thought of it as an addiction before, but I guess when you look at what addiction does to people, yeah it is kinda the same

[@bridgettemsanders]

Unfortunately we're all conditioned to please others. If you want dessert eat your beans. However some people take it to the extreme.

[@tinadawla6446]

Amazing! Thanks!

[@bettygould3679]

it's important to try to nip this behavior in the bud before it takes over your life! thanks, Janice.

[@juanlorenzojr]

I wish I had dealt with it earlier. it took a long time to learn

[@lydiamathipa4596]

And when someone doesn’t like you, you try to change their mind.

[@JaniceBurt]

Totally!

[@robialamsyah8788]

Hii, I find someone for making conversation about cross culture. If you can help me, just reply this comment. Ok... Actually this is my exercise from my lecture.

[@HuGrooveScience]

Absolutely incredible!! Thank you

[@JaniceBurt]

Thank you for the positive feedback! :)

[@coopertanner3201]

While it's certainly far from ideal it's a lot better than lying to people to make them like you - something I've noticed a lot of people doing lately

[@jackiehathway]

thanks for the talk Janice! this is really helpful stuff

[@JaniceBurt]

🙏💞

[@andrehuestan]

I think everyone can identify with the feeling of "not being good enough" and not fitting in and would do anything to change that.

[@themarybasse]

yep, this is very well-put, Janice

[@JaniceBurt]

🙏🙏🙏

[@ethanblack6413]

Damn here I am feeling very called out.

[@madsdx8397]

I've always said that 'being nice' isn't a compliment. Anyone can be nice. It doesn't speak to any part of your personality or who you ACTUALLY are as a person. If you're aim is for people to think 'oh they're so nice' then you need to do some serious work on yourself.

[@smallbizthoughts]

Great stuff. I love your fearless, authentic voice. Thank you.

[@JaniceBurt]

kp!!!!!! Thank you, my friend!

[@CeCe-fh2ix]

Did your father survive? I'm so sorry to hear of what you went through? You are strong !

[@knockitdownagain]

I wonder what's worse, harming yourself to please others or being pleased by harming others?

[@trustfactornow]

I wonder how much this is tied in to having anxiety?

[@jotsnab8463]

Maybe a lot. I find that my anxiety of not being liked/good enough and my need to keep the peace fuels my People pleasing which then leads to resentment which then fuels my anxiety

[@nessaisrael80]

Amazing message!! Needed to hear every word of this!!

[@JaniceBurt]

I'm so glad!! xoxo!

[@Creativeabandon]

People pleasing is a trauma response. I can not want to people please but when i am confronted with fear, i act on fear (flight, fight, freeze, fawn) without even thinking. I cant think. My brain response is out of my confrol. I am powerless over my responses. It has to come from god

[@TerriTie]

This is an incredible presentation 🌸 Thank you for sharing your experience 🌺🙏

[@benjamindsouza6736]

Wonderful! Thank you! 🙏🤍🙏

[@gauravvashisht2901]

It is very useful and thought provoking lecture.

[@terencehennegan1439]

Great presentation. Wise words indeed.

[@alextoutaev]

Such a slippery slope... and there are those who take advantage and just ask for more and more knowing full well you can't say no.

[@seanbrown8877]

Best video I have ever seen on this topic❤

[@urm8698]

this habit is a very VERY difficult one to shake.

[@julestrescott]

I would argue we are all conditioned to please people from the moment we are born. Most can strike a happy balance without turning it into an addiction.

[@lourodriguez2739]

Do you know you could alter people loneliness in there state of mind by smell,music, food, conversation,and taste. 💞

[@Favekillertunes]

I'm not sure how relevant the Oprah car giveaway is to the topic because each person's back story made them a worthy recipient.

[@JaniceBurt]

I was just trying to be funny with that comment. 😂

[@Therealspence]

How sad that we all want to belong to the tribe. The High School tribe, the church tribe, the work tribe. The list goes on and on .

[@momione11]

Dito.

[@dinodm769]

Rootcause for me is different. I think I never learned to identify my own needs. My parents only focused on their hobbies. Don't think they had any malicious intent but I had to do everything they wanted and not what I wanted. While sometimes it's ok to do something that someone else wants, I just never learned to even understand what my needs are. Hence, the people pleasing. Am I the only one?

[@robertahvieira]

Gosh I think we are all looking to fit in and feel included so, I'm thinking we're all people pleasers.

[@JaniceBurt]

We probably all are to a certain extent. But the more we develop a solid sense of self, heal emotional wounds, and truly love ourselves, the more we can move away from pleasing others to get those needs met.

[@laurashore8865]

I know many people who do not have any desire whatsoever to help or please anyone else.

[@almashrewsbury]

Interesting to hear that Oprah has admitted to being a people pleaser and has been working to overcome this characteristic. I'm sure she would have multiple requests for her time and money.

[@CosmicVoyage77]

👏 💯

[@malyka4215]

Personally I think people confuse being liked with being respected. I think there's such a fundamental lack of respect/politeness these days and it feels like you only get that basic level of interaction - eg. being greeted in a workplace - if someone likes you when really if basic manners and respect still existed everyone would acknowledge everyone with politeness and this feeling of 'having to be liked' would probably ease a bit

[@braulindisla-elburrodelaba5361]

I got like one million addiction

[@tamikagreen593]

I was abandoned and bullied

[@gracecastillo8942]

Good thing Jesus says I am a new creation. Always and addict is speaking a curse over yourself.

[@aliasno.4andover644]

You Look like Kristen Davis.

[@momione11]

Is there aa for people pleaser. Because I don't know. Where to get help with this?

[@valeriedijkstra]

Mmmm I think it's difficult because the thought of having to be around someone who is displeased with you is not a nice one

[@wfqsfg]

Its hard for me to believe Oprah was/is a people pleaser. She is a successful billionaire. The few times I've seen her she seem uncompromising and confident. All the rest of us validation seekers never reach even a fraction of that success. Like me.

[@hatbpto5180]

I'm going to still hold onto the "really good in bed" part