How to Set Boundaries and Stop People Pleasing

Part 2 of Tim's Boundaries and Complex Trauma series.
How does Complex Trauma affect boundaries?
Thanks for reaching out! Read below to discover ways you can help, or go to our website: www.timfletcher.ca!
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LEARN
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TEACH
🎓 COMPASS Facilitator & Coach Training is offered to LIFT Online Learning graduates who would like to facilitate our programs or further their education as Complex Trauma coaches. Our coaches and facilitators help those living with addictions, process their trauma and assist them in developing techniques that lead to better decision-making and healthier lives. Learn more here: www.timfletcher.ca/teach
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ENGAGE
🎓 Workshops are being made available where you, a group or organization can attend to learn about Complex Trauma. Workshops are specific to Complex Trauma and vocation themes, and offer detailed information about how Complex Trauma creates dysfunction and offers tools for healing.
www.timfletcher.ca/engage
🎓 SEMINARS & WEBINARS Contact us to book a webinar or an in-person seminar with Tim Fletcher. Email: [e-mail]. Topics include: Trauma-Informed Care, Anger, Shame and Codependency.
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LICENSE
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[@gisellewisdomdavey5554]

This guy just explained my entire existence.

[@michaelgarrow3239]

God bless you.

[@heladds]

I'm not sure how there's only 2k who watched this. This is some of the best lectures I've seen for complex trauma. Very good. Thank you for sharing. How can one begin to try to address this? I noticed this at 40 ... Plz help

[@TimFletcher]

Check out RE/ACT LIFT on www.timfletcher.ca

[@heladds]

@@TimFletcher thank you

[@rinanorden4878]

Please share the wide and far. Being a Christian for over 40 years but this man’s lectures/sermons are busy changing my life and giving me answers for my own path of healing of complex trauma. Thank you soo much🙏

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

I know, right?!!!!!

[@maxmusterman5134]

The very foundations of American and Canadian culture are based on predation. For there to be widespread acceptance and understanding of the transformative psychological ideas presented by Mr. Fletcher, society itself would have to crumble.

[@evapedersen6410]

Watching from Norway and I’m so grateful that I found this channel. I’m 50+ years of age and have finally found a solemn, wise and well-informed explanation to my inner shame and pain. I have been searching for answers and have found it through these lectures. I’m watching and learning, crying and healing. Thank you so much mr. Fletcher🙏

[@wishfulbeauty]

I’m also with you on this door 🚪 I kept knocking and kept knocking and finding so many doors that I could never get in . This door 🚪 finally was the answer and with Jesus Christ opening it freely and to receive freely .

[@LeslieHeartsIL]

I was the designated Scapegoat in my family. It went on for decades into my late adult life. I had to go No Contact with the entire lot of them because my Malignant Narcisist/Borderline mother, who was extremely violent when I was a child, trained the siblings to start attacking me in adulthood. She also poisoned family members and close friends against me. They NEVER change, they get worse with age.

[@gregorysomers5224]

I'm sorry to hear of your pain, but reminded that the perfect Scapegoat brings redemption to the afflicted and brokenhearted.

[@forgiven5919]

Your story is very similar to mine. I am the only daughter of a narcissist mother who I think has borderline or hypomania bipolar. She would never go to a therapist of course. She literally hated me even as an infant and I believe she would have killed me, but she needed to trap my dad into supporting her. She was cruel all my life, using my brothers to help her make fun of me. She also told relatives lies to make them think I am a horrible person. She is 78 now and no repentence in sight. You made correct choice going no contact. I hope I can someday.

[@diamondonpurpose9145]

I hope you are healing and doing well now that you've separated from them. If God is all you have left, it's because God is all you need🙏🏾. Stay safe and God bless you

[@muma6559]

you mean even the flying monkeys never change and just get worse with age ?? I thought I had to save them from the narc, but is that a useless endeavour ??

[@michaelgarrow3239]

@@muma6559- You will only piss them off.

[@Tuesdaywhitt1]

This is a treasure full of info about boundaries, ❤

[@katye3397]

This is very powerful and painful at the same time.

[@amberscottcmt7400]

I'm sure I've infringed on my kids boundaries at some point, probably without realizing it... But I am so grateful that the extreme boundary violations I had as a kid caused me to respect my kids boundaries as a general rule. I've never gone exploring through their rooms or read their journals. I also never placed a drop of shame on sexuality, and explained what happened with circumcision and apologized if I got the decision wrong, letting them know I consulted the men in the family and they all unanimously said yes and offered to pay for it... I also researched vaccination so in depth and saw so much foul play and corruption, that I didn't infringe on their right to decide for themselves, as they had way stronger immunity than most other kids... I think I over shared some stuff though and it wasn't clear to me where the line was on that... And I had some sergeant mom moments, but I always considered the fragility of an external locus of control... That one day I wouldn't be there and it has to come from the inside. I'm probably unaware of some harm I've caused, but I think the worst of it was the only two people I had willing to watch my twins so I could have some moments to decompress were narcissists. They damaged one of my boys really badly and I handed them over to these people cuz I had no idea how else to manage with them on my own. My greatest regrets with my kids are the people I allowed them to be exposed to, and how ineffective I was at find them good role models... Where I go easy on myself is that I was only 22 when I was assaulted and I had no professional help or real life support to single parent twins. I was alone with two infants who were the opposite gender, so there were loads of ways I had no idea what I was doing and the way I managed, all things considering with my CPTSD, from a young age, I did really good. Most wouldn't have the constitution to pull it off the way I did under the circumstances I faced. Now I just gotta go help clean up the messes I was part of and as I heal me, help my kids see a path to healing for themselves and be there waiting to dive into every hurtful thing they need to tell me, so we can all be free and the day I have grand babies will be the start of the generation that broke free of multigenerational trauma. Healthy me. Help my kids. Healthy grandkids. That's the plan... Then show others how I did it. How many families can we help break free?

[@ShadaeMastersAstrology]

It’s beautiful that you’re willing to acknowledge what you did well and also ways you could’ve done things better. My mom will not under any circumstances acknowledge her neglect of us 4 of her children. My sister even wrote her a letter expressing her feelings and my mom ripped it up, cursed her out and through the pieces of the letter out of the car window as she drove off. My husband’s mom told him while she was living with us that if he and his sister had told her that they’re father was dangerous she would’ve divorced him way before. Like seriously blame your kid for you remaining with a man who stole food with nothing else to eat, smoked crack, utilities constantly being shut off and them having to witness his rage as well as hers. My mother in-law and mom both blame their husbands for everything. Not cool at all. I admire that you are compassionate towards your children and take ownership of your own actions while raising them. They are very fortunate to have you. 🌸 💗

[@dnk4559]

You are a warrior and the fact that you are willing to acknowledge possible mistakes will offer so much healing for your children in the years and generations to come! Way to go!!!

[@Aisha_babii]

Wow he broke this down PERFECTLY! I never understood why I was so rebellious in my childhood up until now. My parents were never on the same page and both had a different set of boundaries for me but they weren’t cohesive with them. So I knew how to work around them!

[@annporter7359]

When you spoke about the brother hitting his sister - my brother terrorized me. He became DANGEROUS ! They never stopped him.

[@awakeninganna]

This is the most helpful video I’ve ever watched you helped me to understand myself as a mom as a child as a wife and now I have tools to change thank you!!!

[@shelleepryor9549]

Were you living under my bed? Lol My exact same experience BUT I healed. Where are you in your recovery? This man saved my life. Can you believe that I am certified to do the same thing and I am going to pay this forward.🙌🏽👑💜👑 #happy healing #happy Friday

[@deborahhutchinson3835]

Mine too! This channel is life changing. I've had years of therapy which turned out to be an expensive bandaid. I also chose a career as a Paramedic which comes with its own special trauma. Can't stop listening.

[@4Mikes4Mindset4]

Tim and Patrick Teahan I was gifted a few months ago. I guess I wasn't ready to receive but it would have been nice years ago

[@trishellis1908]

Tim Fletcher. You are an angel. ❤Your wisdom and messages are so powerful. I am deeply grateful for these videos. Thank you so much. Deep gratitude! ❤❤❤

[@lorladupree4352]

I didn’t even know that I could have boundaries… I wasn’t allowed to have boundaries while I lived at home. My parents were ultra strict. It was their way or my brother and I were punished beyond measure. He’s an alcoholic and I am a workaholic, people pleaser. Today, I have a few boundaries which is an improvement over no boundaries

[@catastrophictabitha9351]

Great teaching - Christian sermon as well giving a practical solution to know how to set a boundary. Thank you

[@davidnorman2134]

Thanks for this series I have no boundaries don't know what they look like

[@FaithLeahsBeautychannel]

Thank you for this session....very informative 😊

[@UnrealConversations]

Thank you Tim, your love, skill and clarity is deeply welcomed in my life

[@rockstarofredondo]

I wish my husband would watch this.

[@cindybrown9898]

i absolutely hate my mother and havent seen ir spoken to her in years. peace and happiness

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

❤‍🩹

[@4Mikes4Mindset4]

❤❤❤❤

[@Tenacious249]

Well said. Great work Tim and thank you

[@HealthyPersuit-sj3fr]

20:30 mark explains perfectly why I don't get too close to people.

[@cazartist1305]

This is so helpful. Thank you so much!!!

[@TellSamyra]

Well done. I appreciate the multiple examples

[@mariaalforque6430]

God bless you 🙏 I have been slowly healed listening to all your lectures 🙏 thank you

[@CM-uo5tq]

Thankful for your video Tim

[@christinerogerson9400]

Very wise advice Tim. Trying to understand why we need healthy boundaries to maintain balance in our lives.

[@DeeDeeOrr]

Thank you for these valuable teachings. Your work needs to be seen to help combat codependency.

[@CJ-pd4tc]

Thank you so much.

[@tinydanceryoutube]

This is excellent.

[@zb-mu5ju]

Thank you 🙏❤️

[@MandyO]

32:00 great answers to how to walk it out in love, thank you.

[@kooksbar9061]

I have a twin who always attacks, argues and insults ! This was not trauma.. I went on to travel, explore, and did something different with my life... He did his thing.. I did mine ! We are both ok... Stop playing a victim.. it takes two to tango ! Try to see both sides !

[@FiberFairy22]

I LOVE this series of information and the kindness and care that goes into it! But the delivery of info feels so stressful :( I don't know what to do... Is there a transcription of your talks anywhere kind sir?!

[@amberdgilman]

Growing up as a jehovah witness really explains a lot of this 😢

[@Ultraroyal13]

Seventh Day Adventist

[@wolfrahmphosphoros5808]

I lived with jehovah's witnesses in 1 house. they were horrible people.but probably not because of their faith but because of who they were. I met the wrong people. regards.

[@lc3487]

My parents used to say „do not say no, always say yes (to them)“ 😂

[@jeankipper6954]

My narc parents said, 'If you can't think of a reason to not do whatever, I'll give you one, and proceeded to whip us with his leather belt. And so much more. And claimed to be clueless about why I cut them off.

[@4Mikes4Mindset4]

❤❤❤😢

[@user-hd6fc6hb7l]

Same at our house

[@user-ht2tc5uj7w]

When my cats are at the door, I count to ten, then close it if no movement. God I'm tough😂

[@lv5584]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@forgiven5919]

Thats good way to practice boundaries

[@God-Love-Freedom]

Thank you, thank you for merging Christianity with mental and psychological healthcare.

[@MysticMe-Pisces]

In my previous relationship, one of partner 's boundaries was that I could not ask him any personal question. He likened it to hurting him and abuse. We wete dating for 3 months,at the time and I respected it but broke up w/him month 5. By then the m as sk was non-existent

[@salparadise1220]

Re "the forbidden thing". A very big part of the problem is so few have a good explanation as to why a thing is forbidden. Platitudes and appeals to the majority are flung around and if you have an above average brain you will be needing good reasons and there are no good reasons - just a lot of stupid, intellectually cowardly and dishonest referrals to "authority" (which itself has next to nothing to commend it). One of the quickest things in the universe is a human being finding an excuse to not think.

[@danhelpsyoubuysell7064]

‼ I feel the example could have been elaborated more especially within the context of marriage ‼

[@xXxCheekyPrincessxXx]

In the past my mom punished me with silent treatment. The worst experience was that I had to redo a year again because my grades weren't good enough to enter a higher graduation. My mom didn't talk to me the whole weekend even when I tried talking to her. Now whenever there are conflicts, even with friends, I fear that they will ignore or leave me behind. I'm trying to heal that part of me

[@xXxCheekyPrincessxXx]

I once sat together with my mom and talked about the silence treatment and she explained that she got beaten as a child and she doesn't want to do the same mistake as her parents that's why she went silent to calm herself down first. But she agreed that it was wrong of her in the past and I also got to understand her side as well. But still I have to heal a lot from it

[@CindyTan-uu2id]

Sky able to see I keep reject Edwin reject 7years.they pleasing love

[@iw9338]

My husband still has not cut the apron string. very sad. only talk about the weather, nothing deep or true.

[@heladds]

Awww...sorey ur having to deal with that but good for u for being patient and understanding and allowing him his way

[@deborahmullen6312]

He's a narcissist like my husband.

[@yamicanada]

❤❤❤

[@michaelgarrow3239]

I blame mom… Nice Chevy 3100!

[@cindybrown9898]

omg. we got grounded for a month if 5 min late

[@jeanmarieobrien8254]

❤❤❤❤

[@wolfrahmphosphoros5808]

very good video but it doesn't actually explain how to stop people-pleasing. people-pleasing is fear-based, so this is said here, but One cannot just switch off fear. how does One communicate a boundary when One is too scared to do it? the video doesn't tell this. regards.

[@grownknow6857]

The steps of healing are extremely gradual, and begin with physical distance from the triggering person. If we are in an emotional flashback in which we are reliving the childhood trauma and truly do believe our fear sensations, then it's best to get to a safe place and work through the emotional flashback. You can learn about this in Pete Walker's book cptsd. In this safe space, you can let your inner child out, let her have all of her emotional reactions, and also understand it from your adult logical perspective. This gives you increasingly more understanding of your reactions to people that are trauma-based. Yes, a person and your adult life might be a narcissist, but your reaction to them is usually an emotional flashback since in reality you don't need to be so terrified of them since you're an adult and you can fend for yourself. That being said, this terror needs to be faced very very slowly. It's called titration. And like I said you have to face it by yourself first. If you do feel this terror and you are in the presence of someone that is triggering it, remove yourself quickly and start investigating the experience of this terror in your body through meditation and other practices that make you safe. You have to start with your own body for healing. Where else can you start? The trigge triggered feelings, which are actually emotional flashbacks, occur inside your own body. So to answer your question more broadly, create a distance and a space from whatever is triggering you and feels like it's violating your boundary. As time goes on, you'll be able to have less distance, but you have to practice this diligently.

[@grandiesgarden175]

❤❤😮

[@katebueno191]

We going to fight we fight don't come crying to me later after all you done !!! Oh you this and that and then crying. No no !!! I don't care how many brain washer you send my way. This is the way I am !!! MOVE !!!

[@Ultraroyal13]

How is he speaking to my past 😅

[@kooksbar9061]

Sorry people... Am I the only one who sees that the people who see potential danger in this world.. and step forward to rectify it before it becomes an accident..injury...or death.. are heroes !!! Why is everyone jumping onto the side of this guy as he tells us that people who see potential danger are damaged ??? They are heroes ! and the only ones who realise that are those who are saved ! You all live in a bubble !!! All of you ! Life is not meant to be simple, painless and effortless... and if it is... then that wasn´t life... Go sit in an easychair.. comfortable, safe from harm... and watch these ridiculous video´s saying you are correct... as your life ticks away and you slowly die without having ever lived ! What rubbish !!

[@BorisTheBeast]

The f is religion does here....

[@katebueno191]

But you are done !! Brain washing my son !! And the entire family !! Over something that didn't exist !! A video no one can see anything in. Specially after what your friends did and almost do !! With a story that doesn't match nor makes any sense at all !!!!