Mayor Explains Why He Changed City Named After Slave-Owning Founder To Salami Town

[@zachary6650]

This is what happens when a politician has to make decisions on an empty stomach.

[@A4_Ron]

Wait until you hear the British Prime Minister slip up "hostages" with "sausages".

[@Nersius]

​@@A4_RonBoth have really been through the grinder, easy mistake to make.

[@Michael2t]

​@A4_Ron Meeting the terrorists' demands and paying 5 mio. to have the sausages released was the only way, and you know it!

[@bradc7056]

1:25 lmao

[@dinuffin]

This is what happens when a politician makes decisions.*

[@progenitor_amborella]

Thank you for your bravery, Mayor Cold Cuts.

[@Gregemio]

He is an inspiration to us all.

[@RealCousinOkri]

Thank you for your serving

[@williambrucesanders6878]

😮😮

[@petergeh9584]

The chief of police there is called Lord Bacon Grease. Beware! He and his underlings are tyrants!

[@theodorebear6714]

@RealCousinOkri I will serve u salami my brother in deli meats ❤️

[@pavarottiaardvark3431]

A well regulated deli being necessary for the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear hams shall not be infringed.

[@zyansheep]

GET DOWN I'VE GOT A HAM

[@brandon9172]

@zyansheep I'VE GOT A HAM TOO, APPLEWOOD SMOKED HAM. YOU BEST GET DOWN INSTEAD

[@VV-nw3lz]

@@zyansheep PLEASE NO!!! DON'T DO IT!!! I'M A VEGAN!!!

[@devonmarr9872]

I ask you who is the deli? I say it is the people.

[@PBurns-ng3gw]

Steamed hams!

[@ENCHANTMEN_]

ngl if I saw a town called "salami town" I'd 100% make a visit

[@BRICKOMEDIA]

Same fr

[@CurioSlop]

We have Bacon and Coffee county in Georgia. We can use this man 😅

[@overlord165]

Ok, redditor

[@bhatkat]

Just upgraded it to Sa La Mee city, where they have no man holes. (Now known as person holes.)

[@kirklandday]

They would be expected to make good salami

[@GSBarlev]

This town isn't quite as progressive as they would have you believe-I suggested Goudadelphia, but the mayor is clearly *lactose intolerant.*

[@Aanthanur]

you must be a cattle owner

[@ExtraOni]

Total opp

[@MrBigBazinga]

Big meat keeping the common people down 😔

[@bofuuu]

😭

[@thenutella8846]

Unbelievable, lactose intolerance in this day and age?

[@3v1lp1ngv1n]

i know this is satire, but i would vote for that man

[@Hahahahaaahaahaa]

I'm on streeteasy looking for sales in salami Town rn

[@overlord165]

Ok, redditor

[@kodachromic]

@@overlord165 Ok, redditor

[@vittripps]

​@@overlord165Ok, redditor

[@ValToadstool]

Anti racism and pro salami, what more do you need

[@user-em6ie2be7x]

Salami Town where Footlong Subs are a Right not a Privilege. 🥪

[@Gregemio]

In other news > Subway executives were horrified to find out people have been eating footlong subs as 1 serving when they were intended to be shared.

[@strategicbacon7349]

@@Gregemio I remember that episode! Which one was it? Must be like 12 years at this point.

[@pinkrose076]

Mmmm mmm mmmm😂

[@shiddy.]

a requirement

[@broadwaybaby348]

As a citizen of the Big Apple 🍎, it's an injustice that unhealthy processed foods are being elevated over the proven merits of raw fruits and vegetables. Am I right, Onion? 🌰

[@mrwensveen]

I'd live in onionville! (Cipollapolis?)

[@AnimalMother60]

Hear hear!

[@stm7810]

yeah, a vegan town name like peachtown would be way better.

[@yesno9592]

stm7810 Clamton would get my vote.

[@stm7810]

@@yesno9592 oh yes, the whole no central nervous system thing. I agree in theory, don't have clams or other similar things in practice because they're expensive and I'd rather play it safe when it comes to neurology as a non neurologist.

[@ComicSansMcGee]

Fact: if it isn't made within 10 miles of the center of Salami town, it can't be called Salami. It's just called sparkling pepperoni.

[@BewareTheLilyOfTheValley]

"Sparkling pepperoni" is a terrifying name and I would never want to find out what that tastes like 😂

[@christopherHvincent]

A vegetarian here in full support of Mayor Coldcuts. Wish we had someone like him here in Robert E. Lee Town, VA

[@origami_dream]

You mean Prosciuttoville?

[@pipebomb2960]

Mayor Beef Pastrami changed the name to Prosciuttoville a few weeks ago

[@stm7810]

vegan and same support, plant based salami is great, much better than slavery.

[@ExtraOni]

​@stm7810 vegan also. Close call but I'm firmly Salami>slavery

[@stm7810]

@@ExtraOni It's great to exist in a time where veganism is trivially easy, seriously, we have alternatives for everything short of human. Heck, that'd be fun to see carnist reactions to, plant based cannibalism alternatives.

[@madmaverick]

As a racist vegetarian, Mayor Armstrong does NOT represent me or my values. In the next election, I will be voting for up-and-coming politician George Bayly, a direct descendant of the town's namesake who will give our community a far better astionym: Bay Leaf, Maryland.

[@jameswhite3415]

Bay leaf is a way better name reguardless of values

[@jameswhite3415]

@@HAWKTUAHFAN69 Marriage proposal accepted

[@madmaverick]

@@HAWKTUAHFAN69 I would accept and take you on an enchanting picnic date under the stars in Salami Town Park, where it would be so dark you wouldn't be able to tell that I have a smaller, second head that whispers government secrets into my ear.

[@user-bw4jm1bv1i]

Sorry, I'm just pointing out a grammatical error: you've only put caps lock on for the word "NOT" and not your whole comment. I can't tell your tone or that you're a privileged baby boomer. No hate or politicking here, just trying to help ❤❤❤

[@Demiglitch]

That's Mayor Cold-Cuts to you, bub.

[@Robyn_007]

Salami Town sounds like a One Piece arc name.

[@smittyjjensin558]

One Piece

[@morzathoth919]

And it would have like three awesome fights and make you cry twice.

[@bhatkat]

How about Sa La Mee City? Much nicer ring to it.

[@Brasswatchman]

Probably right before or after Whole Cake Island, I imagine.

[@PepeTheJonkler]

One Piece mentioned!!1! 🗣️ RAAAAAAAAAAAH, _WTF IS AN ENDING?!?!_

[@diseasedwombat5611]

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of sandwiches

[@lucasurquiza554]

That’s a great title for a book.

[@Douchey_Elkmen]

​@@lucasurquiza554 Ugh, fiiiine, I'll get the draft on AO3 ready...

[@ShortFuseMan]

​@@Douchey_Elkmen Keep us posted mate. 👍

[@Lumegrin]

i think the funniest part is that "Mortadella Cold Cuts" does actually sound kind of cool when you don't know what mortadella is

[@fstorino]

Yeah, Mayor Mortie is a really cool guy

[@Lumegrin]

@@fstorino nah nah nah he goes by Mayor Morte

[@Jasper-sculpter010]

What's wrong with mortadella? Didn't the ban get lifted on it?

[@Lumegrin]

@@Jasper-sculpter010 its just meat the name of a type of meat isnt that cool but if you like ignore the meaning of the names it actually sounds cool

[@Jasper-sculpter010]

@@Lumegrin Oh, I thought you meant that there was something wrong with mortadella as a meat.

[@arc4382]

Marylander here. I don't like slave owners but I'm also not fond of Salami... This is difficult to process.

[@hypocritease]

Oh come on. Salami is already over processed enough.

[@poptartdom]

Don't be a hater. Salami is delicious.

[@bobrandom5545]

Time to make a pro's and con's list, I guess

[@carfo]

shhh they'll send you to the gabagulags.....

[@Aanthanur]

which one would you eat first before starving?

[@sadpee7710]

perfect casting and performance for this character btw

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

The Onion has been on a tear recently. The new owners seem to really get the assignment.

[@theinternetofficer6594]

Character?

[@soldiaz7261]

wdym that’s mayor armstrong

[@spacemegalodon5049]

@soldiaz7261 what are you talking about? That’s clearly mayor cold cut.

[@Iowa2006]

I'm sure it's a combination of good casting and using the actors' strengths, but the performance of the actors on The Onion's skits are always way too good for the kind of jokes they are flinging.

[@dominicjannazo7144]

Maybe in 2028 we can rename Columbus to Flavortown. Or add an asterisk to the name to clarify its named for director Chris Columbus.

[@ashleybrooke2087]

Name it after the famous Schmidt's Sausage Haus Autobahn Buffet.

[@molemanninethousand]

Columbus salami is a thing, you know.

[@Godwh1sperer]

tsss flavor with a hard R?

[@nathangamble125]

I can't believe that the director of Home Alone enslaved and murdered so many native Americans. SMH my head.

[@akoalabear239]

As an Ohioan I approve of this.

[@khansahb-o4e]

I can get behind this message. Don't reject racism just because it's morally reprehensible, oppose it because it doesn't even taste good.

[@nathangamble125]

Objection! If racism is so tasteless, why did the Nazis wear such stylish Hugo Boss suits?

[@aiyowei187]

@@nathangamble125 overcompensation.

[@RedVelvet_EdgeMuffin]

Salami lasted longer than the Confederacy. Looking forward to when Salami Town has lasted longer than the confederacy, as well. Thank you Mayor Cold Cuts. Thank you.

[@Justanotherconsumer]

The shelf life of salami is longer than the duration of the confederacy.

[@chasechilly9451]

Such a brave story, can't wait for the sequel about the Pepperoni Plaza.

[@alhypo]

Prosciutto Palisades

[@squintzrules7326]

Add this to the "Onion news I wish was real" folder

[@MPSmaruj]

Sitting right beside the "Onion news I wish remained fake" folder, I suppose?

[@eggverseoffficial7976]

​@@MPSmaruj that folder would probably contain at least half of everything the onion has ever published tbh

[@Robespierre-lI]

Seriously ... I'm totally with you on this.

[@ukkisragee9983]

Idc about the reasons, Salami Town is an amazing name. I would go there.

[@360.Tapestry]

sounds like an obscure place that turns into a tourist trap overnight because of social media and one visit from guy fieri

[@viewtiful1doubleokamihand253]

«Take a bite out of slavery».

[@TheGenericPerson]

My family was enslaved by the salami mafia, this is highly offensive!!!!!!! 😭😭😭

[@GrifGrey]

salamafia

[@SeveralGhost]

The Salami Mafia broke off from the main Salami family in the 1600s when they got wrapped up in the development of Italian fascism. The Salami we know and love emigrated to Tunisia and learned the ancient arts of cured meats before the family resettled in New England. It's important to remember how all of history is shaped by the decisions we make, and that if it weren't for the brave Salamis that said "no" to violence and economic intimidation we wouldn't have the rich heritage of likely carcinogenic meats cured in the rich air of God's favorite planet.

[@ShakingMyHead2024]

@@SeveralGhost you win the internet today!

[@MicraHakkinen]

Not to mention the infamous Salami witch trials.

[@Ozymandias83]

Gabagool in the old country

[@BigBossStatus1]

We cured racism with this one

[@Justanotherconsumer]

No need to get salty about it.

[@BigBossStatus1]

@Justanotherconsumer i wasent?

[@theflyingspaget]

​@@BigBossStatus1another pun

[@aidenhill960]

Lord Jesus bless you!

[@morganmcallister2001]

Racism will now forever be buried in the Pastrami

[@TheNimaid]

Actually one of the better political speeches I've heard recently.

[@Limashota]

I proudly donated to Mayor Cold Cut's re-election campaign, and I encourage you to as well. There is a broad coalition of neo-Confederates and vegetarians trying to stop this humble, tender, well-seasoned man.

[@daleksec01]

2:13 that delivery killed me 💀

[@Jasper-sculpter010]

Me too

[@Justanotherconsumer]

Heart attack from too much processed meat?

[@meegsoteegs]

It's giving "I think you should Leave" ft. Tim Robinson

[@frankwest5388]

I kinda wish that the name was chosen by an online poll. Because as we all know, democracy works best if anonymous strangers on the internet get ibvokved

[@jeepliving1]

Then they'd end up being called Salami McSalami Face.

[@Rainbro359]

Towny McTownface

[@GolfActual]

Hitlerville

[@zjanez2868]

the typo is just ...chefs kiss

[@lonelyshpee7873]

They'd either call it "Hitlerburg" or "Towny McTownface". There is no in-between.

[@Blah5641]

1:33 As a vegan of 12 years I can confirm I do like salami. I eat it everyday

[@sifuhotman8595]

Aw bro....I've got some bad news for you

[@IssyMomentTTV]

Which 12 years were you a vegan for?

[@pllpsy665]

@@sifuhotman8595 There is such a thing called vegan salami....

[@MalachiBurke]

​@@pllpsy665I'm looking for broccoli, but the one with beef in it

[@fireincarnation2348]

If it's a fungis made from meat, is it vegan again?

[@kartaiss]

strangely heartwarming

[@howard5992]

That's Chorizo for you !

[@Techtalk2030]

So brave

[@madhatter113]

Salami alaykom. Peace be upon you mr mayor

[@RocLobo358]

And upon you insalami

[@theodorebear6714]

Salami got pork in it. It's haram but it still good. U like salami? It's kind of like hot dog but bigger. I like hot dogs.

[@Justanotherconsumer]

@@theodorebear6714hot dogs have meat in them?

[@AlovicGrim]

As a proud Marylander, I love the change this Mayor brings to the table, and our palates.

[@DoppelTaken]

This change has one problem: everyone is going to steal the welcome signs. This already happened with real cities with weird names

[@maxpowr90]

Gay Head, Massachusetts is now Aquinnah.

[@MostlyPonies1]

Make the signs big or heavy enough and they won't be stolen

[@TheGrinningViking]

You just need to work it into the tourism and embed your signs in cement or paint then on brick walls - if the state boys want to put your name on standard aluminum road signs then it's on them to replace the signs when they get stolen.

[@ashleybrooke2087]

I think he was probably inspired by what happened in Gabagool, New Jersey

[@napofu90]

Gabagool? Over heeeere

[@dan_asd]

1:00 Weve all been there. Breaking inside houses in the american suburbs and tasting all the different things walking inside the houses. Sadly they all taste the same, bland, overly salty, taste

[@Dan-yw2ku]

It's really offensive to have this name. It's so nice to finally have the respect to change it!

[@MachineWashableKatie]

Is this a spam comment?

[@Dan-yw2ku]

@@MachineWashableKatie whatM

[@MachineWashableKatie]

@@Dan-yw2ku Your comment seemed like it was based solely on the title of the video, and as such i suspected it was a spam comment

[@Dan-yw2ku]

@@MachineWashableKatie no lol

[@andrewparsons7348]

@@MachineWashableKatie no it's a salami comment

[@okrajoe]

Put our money where out mouth is! I see what you did there!

[@juishysushi9759]

OMG WAIT THE REFERENCE LMFAOOOOO

[@IHADANEGODEATHAT14ANDNOWIMHERE]

+@@juishysushi9759 ? This is a popular saying.

[@Sirthatguy]

Salami town is right next to tomato town as far as important locations

[@Menon9767]

Lmao

[@Beck-Stein]

It’s was reported in the Onion that Salami Town had a MEAT and greet with the neighboring people of Sausage Town. It was quickly deemed the WURST meeting ever.

[@cesarmadero05]

He says SALAMI so hard I burst in laughter. I'm happy you're so proud of your city!

[@Braincain007]

As a resident of Salami Town, I am proud of my mayor making the right choice!

[@OrangeBoiiii]

W mayor ngl

[@Riya-ho5zv]

King shit

[@verti3213]

tbh its satire of generic, corporate, hamburgerican speech.

[@curumu_yt]

I mean yeah but still, it’s a step a lot of reactionaries are even resistant to

[@clivemyrie4209]

Baltimore @0:11!!!

[@barbaryn7899]

​@@Tee-h3cthink it's called Salami Town

[@BenjaminDaniels-c9q]

Yeah, exactly.

[@sassy-savvy]

I couldn't stop my tears, I mean meat sweats. 😢

[@nomore2863]

Funnily enough, Thomas Bayly was a Maryland representative for the 8th District from 1817 to 1823. He was a slave owner.

[@macewindu9100]

that's not very funny

[@GSBarlev]

Why are you surprised that America's No. 1 trusted news source does its research? 😉

[@da_pikmin_coder8367]

I rewinded to see if Mortadella Cold Cuts' former name was really that of an infamous slave owner in history. So I saw his name was Franklin Armstrong and looked up who that was. It's one of the kids from Peanuts.

[@groundzero1077]

We should name all our cities after deli meats tbh

[@prielknaaphofnar.9754]

Salami isn't Kosher. I feel left out. Petition to rename it to Falafel Town.

[@MsLeenite]

Good news! Kosher beef salami is a thing. My Dad worked in kosher delis in Brooklyn NY, and we ate many delicious salami sandwiches. On rye, with mustard. And a big, juicy pickle on the side.

[@veritablySloth]

Yes! It's delicious 😋

[@paulrippcord506]

⁠@@MsLeeniteI was about to say, as a Jew, there’s a lot of kosher salamis out there. Even ignoring super strict kosher standards, lots of all beef salamis in general.

[@lawrencelewis2592]

@@MsLeenite Now I have a strange craving. Salami on rye with a little onion and brown mustard. Hold the pickle, damn thing is getting soggy.

[@MsLeenite]

@@lawrencelewis2592 😋

[@eliasstenman3710]

This is discrimination towards vegetarians!

[@bluethelucario6194]

This is so inspiring, my local mayor changed my city's name to Pepperoniville

[@no_name4796]

Having the onion news back, still feels surreal! But this is fucking great!

[@dannyarcher6370]

Babylon Bee showed them there's still a market if you don't cuck yourself.

[@ymeynot0405]

Glad to see you back!

[@realhawaii5o]

Honestly This would be an amazing publicity stunt

[@Mighty442]

Salami Town sounds delicious. I wish I lived in Salami Town!

[@BadFluffy]

You sure pissed off the bots. Probably because bots can't eat salami

[@Robespierre-lI]

Dude .. Bots are strategically programmed to flood and target certain sites where they can have an effect on political opinion and emotion. That's NOT the Onion. People need to be way smarter about this. If you don't understand how and where they're being used, you're the ideal target for being manipulated by propaganda bots. For your own good bro ...

[@DDub04]

Mayor Armstrong is the best thing that ever happened to this city. So glad to live in the great city of Salami Town 🇺🇸🇺🇸 and I will be voting Mayor Armstrong for reelection this November. God Bless You 🙌🙌

[@ewok_soup]

Straight out of Turkey’s founding fathers’s playbook

[@cypher50]

Hey, it is more honorable to name a town after a cold cut then a slave-owner.

[@realhawaii5o]

An inspiring story.

[@kiffley]

This talk is superb in its showing of how the renaming of such residential areas was away from known miscreants of the past can lead to a better system with the relabeling of the city to salami town it brings a non serious twist to re among of cities and presents itself as a place not to be worried for by the past of architects that built said metropolis’ and now can just know the city as salami town. This offers a much needed delicateness to a city where it can not be defined by the past creator of said city or his bigotry against people deemed lesser in his eyes that can often lead to toxic and harmful behavior in citizens who’s history is based on such a figure. Such as state flags that carry the same designs of the confederacy. Where those very people in said states are now partially defined by the flags they bear. From mayor mortadella’s actions he has created a much safer harbor told or the residents of salami town. Whilst it is true not everyone likes salami as mayor mortadella says no one likes slavery and salami isn’t one to cause same outrage as the human rights violations of slavery that the past name at least somewhat enforced. Whilst you can not deny that the metropolis was named after a slaver mayor mortadella unshackles salami town from the past and creates a future telling America that salami town does not have to be defined by its past. By its offerings to

[@Fauxstus]

This discriminates against vegetarians and muslims.

[@origami_dream]

Well, meat-based salami doesn't *have* to be pork. And vegan seitan salami rules, actually. I'm sure Mayor Cold Cuts is accepting of all forms of salami. He seems like a chill dude.

[@jr2904]

The Jews weren't eating pork long before Muhammad copied them

[@Nylak-Otter]

I'm vegetarian and lesbian, and I would definitely move if I was expected to pay taxes in a city called Salami Town.

[@SheeplessNW6]

@@origami_dream hail Seitan!

[@edwardrawn8157]

His difficulty breathing and constant expression of angina really sells his love of cured meats.

[@BAGELMENSK]

I will vote for any man who will rename my city to Salami Town.

[@ItGiveAll]

This may be the most inspiring video I've ever seen in my entire life.

[@KristianKumpula]

This seems extremely discriminatory towards non-carnivores

[@mistermaestersirthomas9164]

This is what we marched for!

[@RedWolfy7]

Oh, that's near Flavor Town, right?

[@RealCousinOkri]

Flavor Town is named after Jebediah Flavor. Also slave owner.

[@helloSanders]

the actor's voice really sells this, thank you

[@HaveanOreshnik]

Salami Town mmmm Will there be salami food stands

[@Awesomes007]

Thank you Frank. Good to see you sober.

[@EpicBeard815]

Nobody tell this guy about the founder of NAMBLA, Sergio Salamitown

[@vonhatred3826]

The Onion's favorite bit is 0:39 - having someone looking down behind a blurry screen and then looking up as the camera comes into focus, metaphorically showing the audience that we're about to get a "clearer picture" of a person's insights.

[@HughMungusXD]

You know what they say, everything's bigger in salami town.

[@kelownatechkid]

Please continue to produce these videos with our subscription bucks. I love this. The Onion forever!

[@TempusWasTaken]

Salami Town is a fire name.

[@Alex-js5lg]

We need more politicians like this man - unafraid to make bold changes.

[@Noteven0]

Elect Mayor Gabagool!

[@Brick_Wall_quote_Entertainment]

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all meats were created equal.

[@Chungussy]

I am glad for this change, but as a vegan, I will spend the rest of my life protesting until this is changed to Tofu Town

[@Joeofiowa]

I love the tenacity with which he said "big pickles." That's how I feel about them too, Mr. Cold Cuts.

[@hak1111111]

Salami town sounds like a Fortnite location

[@loafy2]

I love you mayor cold cuts

[@fredygump5578]

Coldcuts for president? He's not even a boomer, which is a good enough reason for me.

[@EayuProuxm]

I love to see a man of his word.

[@Secondary_Identifier]

Local magnate, mayor, and offspring of city founder, changes name of himself and town to obfuscate historical ties to the slavery that helped to enrich his family to regional prominence, even to this day. "I get to earn some real brownie points while not actually sacrificing anything. And my family owns the only deli in town, so this'll be good for business." "Wait, do you think it's okay for me to say brownie points in this context? You can change that to "kudos", right? By changing some words retroactively, no harm done, right?"

[@RickJaeger]

Did you enjoy making a comment way less funny than the video

[@Secondary_Identifier]

@@RickJaeger Yes

[@RickJaeger]

@@Secondary_Identifier That's good. That means the number of people that enjoyed it was 1.

[@Secondary_Identifier]

@@RickJaeger Says two

[@RickJaeger]

@@Secondary_Identifier We all know that was your alt, Primary Identifier.

[@vexivero]

Very brave and inspiring. This man is a unicorn in the political world.

[@Pachitaro]

Let him cook (salami)

[@isispotatos2783]

I'll continue thinking the joke is that they changed the name of the city from a slave owner to the product of slave labor.

[@knight-mares]

Racism has never tasted so good. I eat racism for breakfast.

[@DwRockett]

One of the most based mayors this country has ever seen

[@BlueBeetle1939]

Salami is far more worthy of memorializing

[@danielyoutubechannel407]

I think that we can all agree that "Salami Town" is a great name

[@RealPeoplePerson]

Step aside, Pete Buttigieg. This is the small town mayor destined for the presidency.

[@sovietdoge.7369]

Ngl I'd go to Salami Town right now. As fast as possible. I kinda wish it existed.

[@forstokketklaphat1189]

A brave move for a US mayor to name his town after the Iranian commander-in-chief of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps.

[@LydiaMoMydia]

anyone else super glad that the old onion is back? i assumed this was from like 2016 at first, i missed it for so long

[@Lock484]

The neoconfederates in this town are gonna find this pretty unsavory, no matter how you slice it 🤔

[@DriPud]

‘You’re not you when you’re hungry’ -Twix, Mayor of Hershey 2