Me Whining About Getting Misgendered (social dysphoria)

[@Watashiwanekogasuki]

thank god this video exists. I work in customer service and everything you said, how you feel, what you deal with everyday is exactly what I go through. I'm also in that androgynous stage where I could either be a twelve year old boy or an 18 year old lesbian and i guess the latter seems more likely than the former so that's naturally what people go with to be safe. on the rare occasion, I do get bubbly older folks who will say "thanks, bud!" or male coworkers who'll go "hey man," and that really boosts my confidence but as soon as one insignificant customer says "give your toy to the lady to scan," all of that positivity goes right down the drain and I won't stop thinking about how I can make myself appear more masculine to the following customers until I pass again. I've stopped wearing my glasses which really fucked up my work but for some reason I passed more without them. I mess with my hair, my shirt, I take bathroom breaks I don't need just to make sure I still look masculine enough. once I'm misgendered, I think that everyone who does use the right pronouns are just trying too hard and they really see me as a lesbian. it's a struggle. it sucks a lot.

[@Erika-kw7ur]

That is awful. I am grateful you shared your experience, but saddened that you have to go through this. I imagine the dysphoria you get from that is extremely painful. God bless you and I hope you have a great day today, dude. :)

[@Watashiwanekogasuki]

UPDATE!!! IM NOW DETRANS JUST LIKE DAISY!!

[@Patsyhoolahan]

I watched your last video and was confused where you started and where are you going, so I came here and I was still confused but I think i got it. I hope you land in the right place, but you are lovely here, and in 2020 or 2021. You're a great person!

[@giorgiogurgle123]

Definitely not pointless. This is fascinating to me. I've never understood why getting misgendered is such a big deal for trans ppl. Your visible anguish processing it kinda sheds some light on it. I'm cis but when I was 12 even I got misgendered once. A new friend's mother first thought that I was his girlfriend or something. That was weird as fuck. Wasn't annoyed tho. Just definitely didn't want to think about it much.

[@none4530]

I'm surprised you get misgendered so often, because you look very cis passing to me, but as a bit younger than your actual age. I get called ma'am ALL THE TIME! Only a few people don't, and sometimes I can't tell if they're saying "man" or "ma'am", so I just imagine the person is saying man.

[@Kovukingsrod]

I can relate to this so much. I am sorry you keep experiencing getting misgendered. Also, I've been subscribed to your channel for a couple of weeks and I really like your content, you deserve a much bigger audience. Ps. I don't know if it makes you feel better, and it probably doesn't, I just thought I'd mention that you definitely pass to me.

[@nathanr5737]

When a youtuber comments on a KZbin video

[@supererikman5331]

i'm skinny with a babyface , have a high pitch voice and get misgendered as a woman on the phone and I'm a cisgendered male, so i kinda know how you feel

[@foreverwantingpie]

You know what is the most TRIGGER of all for me... when my parents say like "you're becoming a Beautiful Young Lady/Woman" im like thanks time to kms. Im like 3 weeks on T and I'm passing at work though so 👌 i feel like the worst of it is over god bless

[@joeyburton1988]

You can do this. This is the most trying time for trans people because you guys are blazing a path for future generations! The struggles you are experiencing will subside over time. You have to stay strong. Be patient; if anyone can do it, it's you Ollie. If you can find a way to show ignorant people how to respect you, they will find a way to apply that to all trans people!

[@TheBokkelul]

I know feelings do weird things with you, (you as in generally not you specifically) like when you get emotional over being misgendered and when at 6:13 you're acting insulted to the guy, you *know* it's kinda silly and you *know* the guy isn't doing it to hurt you, he genuinely doesn't know what's going on, probably thinking to himself "uhm what did I do wrong?" but what I'm trying to say is; it's good to see a trans-person that can objectively look at the facts and.. I can't bring this into words very well.. ur just like smart and based. good shit!

[@fineartlifestyling]

You are entitled to your feelings regardless of what it sounds like. You are so respectful in your analysis over this and I really hope that you can use these rant videos to give you some release. I am sure you no longer get misgendered, your transition into your true self is super successful. Perhaps if this happense again, just correct them and say, "no not ma'am, sir. Thank you."

[@neverlookback75]

*hugs* that really sucks. You absolutely have a right to be upset. It's jarring to have that feeling of being ripped back to other people's reality, especially when you feel that you're passing really well. Plus, then it starts up the questioning of what you may be doing wrong, how you may be carrying yourself etc that may not be being seen as 100% male. It'll get better though, especially as the T has more of an effect and you start feeling more confident because of that. Although, that being said, I do know some cis gay guys with effeminate mannerisms and voices that get misgendered. So, it doesn't speak to your manliness, but your outward presentation of masculinity and people are still too hung up on the "lumberjack with plaid" as being the ultimate representation of masculinity. For the second lady, you should've just been like, "You too, sir!" Btw, as far as having money to change your name. Most states have waivers that allow you to skip the fee if you're financially unable to afford it. The only costly part after that is publishing it in the paper and you can put it in a monthly magazine with low circulation for around $50. The rant video absolutely isn't pointless. It helps others to know that what they're experiencing isn't just them being crazy, but it's legitimized by hearing others voice the same concerns.

[@BetuliaLiberata]

Ollie. I think the Gay movement has made huge progress in the last 20-30 years. We moved from a society that did not understand about sexual orientation to one that KNOWS there are different sexual orientations other than straight. It was a long process though. I was asked many times in my life: "when are you going to have a girlfriend"? or when I was talking randomly about dating in a group some guys would ask: "what kinda girl do you like"?....I am not a 100% butch gay guy but some people do not figure out I am gay at first glance. I think you need to accept that you are living in a time where the TRANS movement is starting (really) to be exposed and the billions of people in the world are going to need time to learn how to deal with this. As you said yourself...you look still like a butch woman and even me as a gay guy I might let it slip and misgender you. I would actually be MORE afraid to call a masculine lesbian by SIR. So you see....the overwhelming majority of the population in the world is going to need A LOT of time to reprogram themselves that they might "need" to start calling someone that does not look really straight (CIS??) right of the bat by a neutral noun or ask the person what they would like to be called. You might not see this happening though in your lifetime or maybe very late until (and IF) people will accept easily this reconstruction of societal behavior and interactions. The idea of putting fear in people by suing them (there have been cases here in Canada or fining them is only going to cause more intolerance and avoidance. I think you should look maybe into finding another job other than customer service.

[@lindseygrace3490]

Ollie, you're so adorable, and I'm definitely sorry that you keep being misgendered. You don't deserve that what so ever. I wish people could be more considerate of other genders besides male and female. It honestly makes me mad to the core. Sure, I'm cisgender myself, but at least I appreciate and love all genders. I'm probably rambling so much, and I apologize for that, haha. I hope you get the point of what I'm trying to get across though!😌❤️

[@OhHelloSorry]

:( I'm sorry you have to go through that, but you have every right to bitch about it don't worry! Does your coffee shop have name tags? That could help and if they don't you could ask them to introduce them and usually if you tell them it will make your work experience more comfortable they will do it. Also with tags it doesn't have to be a legal name on it, just your name :)

[@Dmchadra]

OhHelloSorry yes my name tag says "Ollie". People still don't always get it.

[@OhHelloSorry]

:( well that's just rude! honestly though if I saw you just out and about I would assume you were a guy

[@BluepinkEmmet]

Aww bro... i feel you sm and im so sorry and its fricking difficult and i get angry too like a lot BUT it will get better please try not to think about it so much

[@eimearjane4833]

Is it just me or is being misgendered so frequently in public an American thing? I live in Ireland and it's not considered disrespectful to not use 'miss/mr/madam/ma'm/sir etc so nobody does? It must be so horrible to be constantly misgendered 😓💔

[@Watashiwanekogasuki]

Bruh I have the top comment and now I’m detrans. Crazay.

[@MsSparklesNGlitter]

I learned a long time ago, that you cant control what others do(and this is not just for trans people its for anyone who is different in any way) RuPaul once said "If your idea of happiness has to do with someone else changing what they say or what they do, you are in for a fucking hard ass road" and I entirely agree. I totally get how for some trans people being misgenderized can be annoying and even hurtful, but the majority who do it do not do it because they are transphobic or as hate, they simply do it because we live in a binary world where we classify certain things or characteristics as male or female. You are a beautiful person, lovely young man keep your head up

[@ashtonowen2571]

ugh just I..I can relate so much to this. I'm sorry man. I feel all this and I'm not even on testosterone.

[@BobSaget37]

I understand. Whenever I go out with my girlfriend, people think we're friends and call us "gals", "girls", or "ladies". Then when we hold hands, they think we're lesbians and get grossed out.

[@treeman6464]

It’s weird to watch these now because I used to watch them before I came out 5 years ago

[@ellaellie5340]

I know verry well how you feel bro.

[@weeearthlings]

For me this isn't just about being mis-gendered. It is about how women are often gendered, for the EXPRESS PURPOSE of dismissing, or putting them down. Guys use 'maam' or 'lady' or 'sweet heart' or someshit in disagreements as a way to claim superiority. I think it's interesting you say you don't 'identify' with being called miss... does anyone really relate to that of their own free will? Or is it all just conditioning?

[@graemebooth4007]

Thanks for putting this out there

[@aidenLjmz]

So relatable. I've feeling so isolated this semester because I'm not out and everyone misgenders me.

[@PHR1SCO]

I understand this so much. I'm siiick of it. Also with the whole, "Thanks ladies," I hate it! That's a big reason I don't much like working with females. No offense girls, haha.

[@searchingforwhatever]

Oh boy, I sooo know what you mean. I double everything you're saying.

[@desprinkhaan641]

It's really sh*t you have to go through that, I'm out like since only a few days, so I haven't lived any of this (nor do I care yet), luckly... But yeah you have all right to be angry, frustrated and all You could maybe put Oliver on your name tag (more and more women use more masculine surnames, so "Ollie" might be confusing,it could also be a short version of Olivia per exemple). And no that doesn't mean you look feminine! But you are one the line between the very very handsome/cute guy and the very masculine lesbian. Have you also already corrected people, and not in the "sorry I'm a guy", but say with a laugh. "Ma'am it's Sir actually, I know I've quite feminine features, but yeah thats genetics, I'm still a man. My name is Oliver by the way." I mean, you don't even lie! Genetics gave you this XX body, but you still are a guy! And honestly, don't freak out about it too much. By brother (guy-by-birth) is also kind of misgendered the whole time, just because he has feminine features and long hair (he's 16 now), two years ago people even didn't believe him when he corrected them! And now, honestly he is playing around with it (you should see peoples faces when they talked with him for over an hour, thinking he was a more masculine acting girl, and then we arrive and call him "Bob", and they are like "Strange name for a girl", and we is like "HE is our BROTHER!".. and then they just become soooo red and embarrassed and finally we just joke about it for another 10min all together ^^) So yeah, hope it'll go better soon...

[@eggory]

People who present themselves like the opposite of the gender they seem to be are not necessarily trans. For many cis people, presenting yourself as a masculine woman or a feminine man is really more of a fashion statement. Even without the direct influence of the trans movement, I think people have been becoming comfortable with more mild forms of gender bending from an entirely cis point of view for decades. If you are dealing with a tomboy, or some kind of skinny long haired dude, and you're trying to not offend them, misgendering them is not what you want to do, even though they are cis. Even suggesting that you're not sure about their gender, or that you think they might be trans, can be embarrassing, not even necessarily because anyone involved thinks that being trans is a "bad" thing, but just because that's not what they are. So in analyzing, as a trans man, a person's intent in misgendering you, these are some complications you should consider. It's not that obvious what the proper etiquette should be. I also want to say that pronouns do not have to mean that much, necessarily. I still use the classical "general he". What I mean is that I refer to people as "he" when I haven't heard or seen anything that even could give me a clue about his gender. Sometimes I do use "they", because I have an agreeable side to me, but I'm generally more of a contrarian, and I'm more comfortable with "he". It's not that I think everyone should assume everyone is a man by default. In my opinion, it's just natural, and reasonable, to guess by default that a person is the same gender you are. So I, as a man, would call a perfectly finely dressed cis woman "he" before I got a look at her, or heard her voice, and likely not apologize. Likewise, I am prepared to not be offended in kind when a woman so misgenders me on the basis of total ignorance, though I never encounter women employing that etiquette. It's like when you're reading about a book character whose race is not specified, and you assume he is white until some hints are dropped to the contrary, not because you think he ought to be white, but simply because you're white so that is your default. The point is that if someone misgenders you for whatever reason, it may not be that they think you are a woman, per se. Rather, they may just be admitting to a lack of information, by expressing a willingness to guess. In that way it's much the same as calling you "they", or deliberately avoiding calling you any pronoun. Albeit, they are most likely guessing on the basis of your appearance. Even then they're still not necessarily thinking that they know your gender. That, I think, only addresses part of your grievance with being misgendered, since you also would prefer that they couldn't tell you were trans, or at least that they weren't in the least bit confused, which is very understandable. But it could be partially reassuring. Also, to corroborate your own self confidence, you're passing at least ten times better in your more recent videos, and good luck with that in the future.

[@alexandercheetham1057]

This is the most Relatable video I have ever seen

[@littlebit080780]

I'm a trans girl and I can totes relate to you from the opposite perspective.

[@agileanalyst214]

life ain't easy, but this vid is good. ty

[@j4xx01antern]

hey. I'm a pretty new to your channel. But I'm also ftm and I understand the struggle and what you mean. i had to quit my job cause it got so bad.

[@awkwardpawsome]

Why say lady when you can say laddy?

[@kayin3287]

Ugh i feel this 100% of the time.

[@queenapryllm8454]

Man I'm not even trans man but I got called alot between ages 7-9, 10 and a few months ago as man. By most old people to be fair and not that have particular masculine traits. I wear normal clothes(some from means section I have short ish hair but that's I guess I don't have most traditional interests . Even got the bus I was asked by Sir. I guess I have deeper voicemost small part of me just dies insides.so small degree I understand what your saying.

[@awkwardpawsome]

I am feeling this video.

[@ktimewarpk]

This is so relatable🖤🖤

[@rjn9654]

Literally my mind during this video: oh, yeah. Yes. Yep. Relatable. Yes. Yes. YES. YESSS!!!! Don’t say sorry, I loved this video. This is 100% me. Love you! ;3

[@flexbronson8964]

Dude please do asmr!! Your voice is so relaxing!!

[@NikhileshSurve]

No a dude anymore, also her voice is now different. But you're right she has a lovely voice here.

[@NikhileshSurve]

So, who is Jack? You mentioned him in your previous video but the video link in the description goes nowhere, seems you removed that video.

[@Shmoogly-Boogly]

How much can it possibly cost to change your name...

[@evilmoif]

I feel for you, but really, how are they supposed to know? Girls have been acting and dressing like boys for generations now. You don't look like a boy, you don't have 'boy hair' and you probably don't have masculine body language. I know what dysphoria is, I have it too. I went 45 years as male, so I know exactly what you are feeling. No one will ever see me as I feel, no matter what I do. Let it slide off you. It really doesn't matter. Just be true to yourself. You are young. If you are true to yourself then you will find yourself and others will see the real you too.

[@BluepinkEmmet]

and omg i did that id Card Thing too

[@TheBokkelul]

11:30 wow relax, it's just polite to respond when you KNOW someone is talking to you. unless you KNOW that person is doing it to annoy you, it's nothing to get upset about. You'll eventually pass 100% and you'll only hear male pronouns, it'll take time but you're still young, think about it; you'll probably pass as male 100% for more than two thirds of your whole life. and people don't think of you as some kind of half man half woman mutant monster, it's not good if you genuinely think that. people are curious, and they can be crude and at times just straight up insulting but not on purpose to make you feel bad... well there's always cunts, and cunts will be cunts, but people like that are also hated by the 99% that is just trying to live and let live.

[@TheBokkelul]

What is Ollie your real name? I mean Ollie is fine as a male name :S I know a guy from spain called Ollie xD

[@Dmchadra]

TheBokkelul no it's not my birth name

[@Shmoogly-Boogly]

Binki....

[@noncorporealentity5641]

you should start a go fund me to change your name

[@Watashiwanekogasuki]

that's a great idea

[@TheBokkelul]

3:05 well even if you ARE experienced with trans people... you can't see that on the outside. to me you still look (well in this video anyway) like a girl, even a girl trying her best to look like a guy should still be addressed as a girl, it's just polite. So yeah if I had never met you before and knew nothing about you I would also address you with miss: because it's polite. And then when you turn to me and say "excuse me it's Sir, not Miss" I would be embarrassed and say sorry (just like anyone else trying to be polite)

[@TheBokkelul]

In fact you should be more offended by someone calling you a boy when their intention is to hurt you than when someone calls you a girl because they *don't* want to offend you.

[@EdSeTcin]

"I will never be a man" say it over and over because it's the truth and you need to realize it. Yu shouldn't blame others for your problems. Take responsibility for what is reality and stop living in a fantasy world. Grow your hair because you are a very pretty woman.

[@Dmchadra]

You're right. I'm married with a kid now and living a normal life.

[@Lemonadebro]

​@@Dmchadrayou know you don't have to have long hair to be a women don't you? This person was still syariotyping your gender and that's bad.