Memes and Jokes That Hilariously Hit Close to Home

[@hopehadley8844]

Loved the wife's prank on her husband taking her to a party of his acquaintances: "You have a WIFE?" Wish I had thought of that!

[@ellengrace4609]

Definitely doing this if I ever get a man! 😂

[@MollyHJohns]

Depends on his and his friends' sense of humour though.

[@jayeclements6452]

My husband was invited to a reception by his publisher - he's an editor of sorts - and I went with him. He didn't introduce me to the first few people who greeted him so I discreetly slipped off my engagement and wedding rings as I collected a drink. When I returned to him he was talking to someone, waving his left hand around as he made a point. I grabbed his hand so his wedding ring was on display and shrieked "Oh my god, you're MARRIED!!!???!!!" Now when we go anywhere the first words out of his mouth are "Let me introduce you to my darling wife, Jaye". You gotta train 'em, ladies. You gotta train them.

[@mchapman1928]

I went to pick up my husband’s paycheck while he was in the hospital from a car accident. The guy in his payroll department wouldn’t give me his check. He said I know his wife……and it’s NOT you. He went on to say his wife is a tall redhead, I’m a petite brunette. Well after much annoyance I proved I was his wife and got his check. I then learned, hubby would have his tall, redheaded mistress pick up his paychecks for years. We divorced that year.

[@josepherhardt164]

@@mchapman1928 Good grief. I've _read_ this Reddit story! Sorry for what happened. Wow.

[@gamepapa1211]

"Cobra chicken" is now the official name for goose.

[@josepherhardt164]

Especially Canadian geese. Especially those without passports.

[@johannaholmgren8088]

Cobra chicken = Canada Goose.

[@shizukagozen777]

That was so funny. 😂😂😂

[@pattyrrell4624]

@@josepherhardt164They're known as Canada Geese, not Canadian geese.

[@aleciageorge9506]

Im using this from now on

[@tullytubbies314]

Once when I was little a drug dog sniffed my bag and alerted to it. Spotlight was on me and my parents. Once the officers checked my bag they found Tiny Teddy’s. The dog’s favourite food was Tiny Teddy’s. After that he was put in the naughty corner 😂😂

[@kristend344]

A DARE officer shared the story of friends who borrowed a suitcase. It was flagged by the sniffer dog going through security - the owner's cat used it as a bed.

[@ecamp6360]

What the H are "Tiny Teddies"?

[@tullytubbies314]

@ They’re an Australian snack. They’re basically chocolate cookies in the shape of a cute cartoony bear 🐻

[@donnamason938]

When my youngest was in 3rd grade, they were discussing in class what their parents did for a living. My daughter informed her class that I'm a drug dealer. Yes, I got a call from the school. I explained that I work in a pharmacy. I guess if you want to get technical, I was a drug dealer, just licensed by the state lol.

[@SevenTheMisgiven]

Kids of drugdealers actually don't say it. :)

[@virginiebrucel3707]

Everyone should know (or at the very least parents and teachers) ALWAYS DOUBLE CHECK SOMETHING A KID TELLS YOU! 🤣🤣🤣 It will never hurt and could even -sometimes- SAVE SOMEONE'S REPUTATION if not their life! 🤗

[@Jacqueline_Thijsen]

Technically correct is the best kind of correct.

[@stevesilberman7484]

My ex was a mobility and orientation teacher for blind adults. She explored routes the clients had to traverse, figured the best cues to keep them safe and then taught them the routes. When asked her profession, she said "Street-walker"

[@johannaholmgren8088]

My daughter's Kindergarten teacher told us at the parent-teacher meeting that she wouldn't believe anything our child told her about us or her home life, as long as we returned the favor, and didn't believe anything our daughter told us about what happened in Kindergarten.....lol.

[@sooskevington6144]

A true story about me that sounds like a lie: It's 1979, I'm driving my double decker bus in Cambridge, England & 2 Australian tourists in the street took my photo as they'd not seen a, female bus driver before. How do I know this? They told me when I met them in Thailand a fortnight later.

[@updownstate]

Was the second meeting prearranged or is this spooky?

[@sooskevington6144]

@@updownstate it was pure coincidence or as you said 'spooky'

[@ellengrace4609]

What’s most shocking about this is people still use the word fortnight. 😂 For anyone else who doesn’t know, it’s 2 weeks. I looked it up.

[@sooskevington6144]

@@ellengrace4609 I do hope you were joking - what shocked me is that you apparently had to look up a very common, extensively used word, well, in UK it is anyway. On the other hand se'nnight (seven night) to mean a week is totally disused - the only place I've encountered it is in the novel Pride & Pejudice.

[@ellengrace4609]

@@sooskevington6144 There’s no need to be insulting. I wasn’t joking. I’m 60 and I’ve never heard that word used in real life.

[@judalea17]

about the guy who won the two prizes on the scratchies - a news crew went with him after the first one to reenact it, and someone pushed in front of him at the counter; he demonstrated the way he'd scratched the ticket, and realised he'd won a second time, on camera (from memory, this was very early on when scratchies became available). I remember seeing it on the news at the time (Victoria, Australia)

[@tallyhorizzla3330]

This is the first time l've ever heard about anyone winning the big prize from a scratchie,let alone twice by the same person. I guess winning $250,000 on a scratchie isn't as newsworthy as winning $20 million on the lotto.

[@judalea17]

@@tallyhorizzla3330 this was possibly 30 years ago, in Australia, and at the time it was a big win; plus, our lottery prizes are nowhere near as big as US draws, though this week we do have a $70million draw on Tuesday (if I'm lucky, I usually win under $10, and that's occasional)

[@Unknown-ov2kz]

m.kzbin.info/www/bejne/bIOYfqSumLCXjJo&pp=ygUbbWFuIHdpbnMgbG90dGVyeSBvbiBsaXZlIHR2

[@C.Sharpe]

Can you imagine being the idiot who pushed in front of this guy lol

[@2esc2esc]

Yeah I remember that.

[@parkinsonga3092]

Whilst out walking the river bank gave way and I broke my leg. A couple of years later I was cycling with my girlfriend along a river bank and it gave way and I broke my leg. A few years later I was cycling to work on a cycle path by a river... you know what happened next. I don't cycle any more or go anywhere near river banks or cliffs.

[@PDXpackrat]

You should definitely go buy a lottery ticket

[@indrannjeganathan3268]

You should insure yourself before you enter a bathroom!

[@apocalypsedrakaina]

Lol it took u three tries to figure that out?

[@NerderDame]

I love cobra chicken for describing a goose

[@updownstate]

This is in my vocabulary now. This is why we need immigration.

[@MollyHJohns]

Cobra chicken? But they somewhat looks closer to ducks though?

[@NerderDame]

@@MollyHJohns the way they act makes them a cobra and chicken because it’s probably the first bird he could think of in English.

[@MollyHJohns]

@@NerderDame oh yeah makes sense.

[@MicaOShea-oe7ir]

The Mexican co-worker actually knew MORE English. In this case Canadian English. Cobra chicken is what we call Canada geese. It's been the official name for a long time.

[@beckinfidelis3916]

3:10 the woman with the black service dog? I had to pause and do a quick search. She wasn't kicked off the bus, a lady shouted at her to get the dog off because "all guide dogs are yellow labradors!" She try to explain how wrong that was, but gave up. She also said she's never has had an easy trip on the bus, she's been screamed at, cursed, spat upon. She suffered a head injury at 15 and has episodic blindness, fainting or passing out. One time she fainted and a man cursed her as a drunk youth! 😢😢😢😢 Dang! People are mean! You can google the story easily using the words from the headline in the meme! It was actually quite interesting. 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

[@TheFansOfFiction]

Thanks for the context!

[@DeathnoteBB]

Yeah some people seriously don’t really the ableism disabled people face. It sucks

[@the_squirrel_lady]

How incredibly ignorant if the passenger "all guide dogs are yellow labs". What utter ignorant tosh. It might surprise that person to realise that thousands aren't even labs at all!! Would probably make her brain explode....

[@lordvalentine471]

The person that found out they didn't graduate from high school should sue their school to cover the cost of their tuition

[@updownstate]

Someone in my class didn't graduate bc he had failed a gym class by cutting more than twice. Summer school gym, oh boy!

[@audreythomas4307]

Isn't there a statute of limitations so that after a certain amount of time, it's too late to say anything?

[@jirowmom]

I was several months post bilateral mastectomies and weeks into my daily radiation treatments for breast cancer when I received a form letter from the hospital to let me know my mammogram (done prior to my cancer diagnosis) was normal. WTF?????? They had sent someone else’s results by mistake.😳

[@rosc2022]

I had a sorority sister who received that same notice from her HS (she graduated early, and apparently was short a gym class). She had just completed her MA in Psych and told the HS they could pound sand.

[@Questfinder1]

I was tracked down 8 years after i graduated from college in one town to award me my two associates they initially denied me because they said I was missing 1/2 credit class. I already gone and gotten three more degrees and I honestly was confused why i was getting them now. Their still in original packaging in my closet.

[@gamepapa1211]

"Skip to the karate." Bro found a friend for life.

[@EPalsson]

The one about the person who hadn't graduated from high school -- that's literally a recurring dream I have, that I go back to my home town at 50+ and return to high school FOR AT LEAST A YEAR to get the credits that I need in order to graduate and legitimize my college degree. And it is not a happy dream, I can tell you....

[@mkvv5687]

What? It'd be great...sitting in the school parking lot in your Trans-Am, blasting tunes from your 8-track...

[@frozenmemoriesmelt]

This is a nightmare that I have too, I’ll keep telling people am not a student or that I’m missing credits and need to take the classes again. It sucks, and I bet anything I’m going to have this dream tonight now.

[@thomaschristopher8593]

mine is that I have not prepared for a college course test and am sweating it out. Then I wake up and realize I've been out of college for more than 40 years.

[@peacefulpossum2438]

Mine is that I realize I haven’t been going to one of the classes I’m scheduled for and it’s too late to drop it.

[@rosc2022]

If you have a college degree, how really important is your HS diploma at that point. Nightmare? I'd laugh in their face. No more nightmares, please, about a situation in which you have all the power. After all, you're not the one who messed up. 😁

[@rrmackay]

I am an engineer and fully agree that sometimes our explanations sound dumb.

[@druidriley3163]

I've dated several engineers and I agree.

[@MollyHJohns]

Saw the meme of the difference between a physicist and an engineer on how they solve the nail-on-wood puzzle without the nails touching the wood board. The engineer simply solved it by nailing one nail on the wood board but tied the rest of the other nails on the head of the single standing nail (meanwhile the physicist balanced all the nails on one standing nail). The engineer one looks dumb but it works nonetheless.

[@lazyhomebody1356]

well...if you use the wrong side of your brain TOO much the wordy side can go bad

[@jod6984]

Cobra chicken is a very accurate description. My car was parked against the wall. I had to get in the car, drive to a forbidden spot, to get away from aggressive geese.I offered my car keys to the blank official that chastised me, would he park my car for me. Ah, no, we'll overlook this.

[@MsAubrey]

As a former prototype mechanic, a former process quality auditor, and presently in engineering IT, truth. 😂

[@MsAubrey]

The engineer one = facts. As a former prototype mechanic, a former process quality auditor, and presently in engineering IT, truth. 😂

[@JustMe-ey2dj]

If they didn't rename the dog Rosa Barks I'm leaving for a better country.

[@grondhero]

🤣

[@namimindyaw1201]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@Whammytap]

Canada geese are now going to be called "cobra chickens" forever.

[@karenjones1]

I liked the engineer one. My son is an engineer, so I can relate. He either makes the simplest thing sound complicated, or he makes the complicated thing sound even more complicated...we no longer bother listening to him!

[@TimeSurfer206]

I'm the Oddball, I'm an Engineer who started off as a teacher.

[@zodarian6705]

My father-in-law always told me you know what an engineer does? He puts the ears on the engine.😂

[@CharleyWales1999]

Some people just have a special talent for making things sound more important than they are 😂 everyone knows one!

[@KxNOxUTA]

the "cobra-chicken" really got me!! XD

[@michaelbujaki2462]

We have started calling them that now.

[@erinmalone2669]

“Cobra chicken” is a much better name for a goose. They are mean as hell!

[@mrsmacca126]

😱 on I did that at our new family dentist- 20 yrs ago. They’re STILL calling me “ Royal Highness” and I’ve been on hikes with one of them!!! I’d completely forgotten, till last year when they needed us to redo records, after the pandemic!!!😂😂😂

[@sarahwong5592]

Handler giving the dog a treat for alerting the wrong thing just positively reinforced the dog alerting every time he smells pizza. Nooooo.

[@TheBibleWithTina]

The dog knew what he was doing 😂

[@aschmidtbrille]

Maybe they want to confiscate the pizza as well?

[@druidriley3163]

Obviously bound for the adoption agency, not cut out for a professional job.

[@richardbeckenbaugh1805]

Wait, alerting for pizza was WRONG?! I’ve been trying train my dog to do that for almost a year. I always miss the delivery guy.

[@PyrrhoVonHyperborea]

​@@druidriley3163the handler should be a little old for adoption, don't you think?

[@Polikaize]

"not a homophobe, just a hater" tbh, whole mood

[@beverlyfulbright5408]

My son had a little bit of a speech problem and he told his teacher that his babysitter had died but she heard his baby sister died and so she called me and left messages so I had to call her back and explain.

[@himssendol6512]

When i was in 1st grade i told my teacher my mom sold drugs. She’s a pharmacist. 🤷‍♂️

[@ruthresetar5940]

The Spanish non-binary thing is priceless!

[@lizzymccormic3328]

As in every language where you have male and female difference in words.

[@kcanded]

What is a late marriage and why should women freak out about it? I got married at 38 and we just celebrated our 27th anniversary. Also I laughed so hard at the smart bears and the Chosen One. Thanks for collecting these!

[@alexisoshea1692]

Marrying late is fine if you don’t want kids or already have them… fertility actually begins declining in the mid twenties, and pregnancy after 35 is medically considered “geriatric pregnancy” because of the increased risks of complications, birth defects, and miscarriage. Plus if you have your kids later in life, recovery takes longer and you have less energy to keep up with them, and you don’t become an empty nester til later as well. Just things for young women to consider as they’re planning their lives.

[@chandarussell]

I got married for the first time at 48. Just never met anyone I wanted to marry until my mid forties.

[@jod6984]

I am 71. Never married because in my generation having children was expected. I was physically and mentally abused as a child, did not think I would be a good parent. Also have a bicornate uterus, found after I got a full time job after college,so a proper examination from a female physician. Explained all the pain, blood and clots the male incompetent family physician never even asked about. Sex: I learned at the library. Three chapters: male, female, reproduction. I was tempted to steal the book. Years later: first edition of Our Bodies Ourselves came out.

[@kcanded]

@@alexisoshea1692 I had my daughter a few months before I turned 40 and my son two days after I turned 43. You better believe I am so grateful to have our kids!

[@kcanded]

@@alexisoshea1692 It is also very true that I had less energy to keep up with them, but they're in their 20s now, so we all survived.

[@babbetteduboise4284]

"I don't like the cobra chicken" very humorous, I was attacked by a goose next to a pond, Yeh, that SOB really can dig its beak in to your ankle.

[@updownstate]

I've been told that you haven't run until you've been chased by a goose.

[@babbetteduboise4284]

@@updownstate I will say that the people watching me run from that goose laughed it up like the devil.

[@updownstate]

The devil sent them.@@babbetteduboise4284

[@mikeanderson1722]

Today I learned the term Cobra Chicken and plan to use it at least 3 times today.

[@druidriley3163]

It's on the same page as "Danger Noodles" [snakes].

[@ginamartinez1654]

The woman thrown off the bus has one hell of a case for a law suit. That's so illegal

[@Metqa]

DAng Right! How is someone going to be racist against a dog!!!??

[@_Carmen_28]

Yeah, bet she didn't see that coming

[@MetalheadAndNerd]

... and completely unbelievable.

[@TheFansOfFiction]

As another commentor pointed out. She was _not_ thrown off the bus. Another _passenger_ was rude to her, and basically said her dog must be a fake service dog because it isn't a yellow lab. Essentially, some lady tried to advocate for disabled people by combating the rise of fake service dogs, but, like most people who do that, was actually just a super obnoxious jerk, because they have no way of telling if someone is actually disabled, and it's none of their business anyway, unless the dog is actively causing destruction.

[@TheKosstImogen]

​@@MetalheadAndNerdI used to work at a taxi dispatch office and the lies drivers would come up with to refuse a blind passenger were constant (and illegal). Trust me, it's totally believable.

[@andrewjames2932]

Went to a party with people I didn't know at all but my wife had worked with. After introducing myself to a man at the bar we struck up a conversation and after awhile he said, "I feel like I know you, your face is somehow very familiar." Just at the moment my wife rejoined us and without skipping a beat she said, " He gets that alot, do you watch alot of gay porn?".

[@nechtojA]

Omg 😂 that's hilarious

[@msshellm8154]

🏆 just ... 🤭😂😂😂

[@christrujilllo6059]

😂

[@johncameron4194]

Cobra chicken 🤣😂🤣

[@meminustherandomgooglenumbers]

Cobra chicken is a nickname for goose.

[@josepherhardt164]

2:22 I'm stealing that. The "cobra chicken." Def. stealing that. 4:49 This is a serious discussion. I see nothing funny here ... 5:45 This reminds me of a story that supposedly happened in Newport News or Hampton, Va., ca. 1972: A woman rushed to the hospital to give birth, but didn't make it to the maternity section and wound up giving birth in a stairwell. Medical staff attended, of course, and took care of her. The woman was crying because she was so embarrassed. A nurse said, "Oh, please don't feel bad! Why, two years ago a woman delivered right out on the front lawn!" And the woman cried even more and said, "I know! That was me, too!" Supposedly true story. I have NOT been able to verify this on the web.

[@Jacqueline_Thijsen]

I refuse to even try to verify that story, because I want to believe. 😂

[@alfnoakes392]

Some Absolute Gems. Keep up the good work.

[@Jessica-kt3ne]

14 min of memes is not enough. That was great

[@rayodell8213]

I walked into a restaurant and ordered a meal in perfect German, trouble was it was a French restaurant 😮😅😂🤣

[@vivianblack2951]

That Asian guy who was at McDonald's and ordered in perfect English and nobody cared has never met my old auntie Melba.

[@jinisteffani8035]

The thing is if anyone said wow you speak English really well...OMG.....he would be screaming YOU RAAAAAACIST...pick one thing to bitch about you complaining freaks....

[@janpower1104]

Blind dog... I cried because years ago we had a blind Papillon who was walking in circles and all the other humans laughed at her.

[@m0t0b33]

oh they're all great and made me chuckle, but I'm still getting random bursts of laughter from the one with "meat chandelier fell out of the ballroom"🤣🤣🤣

[@susie9893]

The breast exam 1 wrecked me 😂😂😂

[@johncameron4194]

Superman uncle

[@krystalreverb]

6:40 of course. It’s called being autistic and terrified of medical professionals. I actually have to take my partner with me to medical appointments because he’s able to articulate to the doctor what the problem is when I can’t, because I sound like an idiot child trying to explain it, and he just goes “ok, honey, you’re confusing the doctor” and just explains it so much better than me. When IQ was still widely used as a marker for intelligence, I scored 156. But I am so terrible at articulating myself in words that I come off like a moron in most interactions.

[@jenelleprins5306]

My father was an engineer and my brother is an engineer. My father emphasized that although being an English major was fairly worthless (guess what I majored in), everyone should take English courses to learn how to write and speak articulately. Score one for English majors!

[@tonyhaynes9080]

6.00, in August 2000 I was going onboard a ship when the gangway collapsed. I fell thirty feet into the harbour smashing my body from the waist down and breaking it from the waist up. When asked about I tell them and the normal reply is, ‘You’re joking aren’t you?’ So I just say, ‘Well I actually had to eject from a fast jet when it all went wrong one day, but I stayed with it a bit too long and had a bad ejection’ people are more willing to believe that, rather than the actual truth.

[@TheFansOfFiction]

Because "had to eject form a fast jet" is something that can't happen to just anyone. People like to beleive that the normal world is safe from freaks accidents and other people's negligence--that bad things only happen to somebody else (preferably somebody who _choose_ to put themselves in a position where they might have to eject form a fast jet). I'm sorry that happened to you.

[@llkg9]

13:24 This is a real thing? This is actually a recurring nightmare I have! I'm back at high school trying to open my locker and telling them "But I have my DOCTORATE!" 😂

[@001variation]

2:13 *Canada goose, not "Canadian" goose

[@simonfea2]

Baby Jeff. Thank you ❤

[@lindaj5492]

6:50 Ninja degree: sounds just like the School for Assassins in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books 😂

[@giraffesinc.2193]

Oh man, I don't laugh out loud very often anymore, but some of these were so funny! Thank you!

[@wolfc8755]

The pugs cuddled up to a mannequin 🤣🤣🤣

[@SeahawksFTW2014]

The goats really had me 😂

[@Emexperiencinglife-]

The Nigerian one...😂

[@TheFiown]

Was the guide dog"s name Rosa Parks ?

[@catmomjewett]

Irrelevant point. There is no “Canadian goose”. It’s Canada goose. 💛

[@updownstate]

That drives me bugshit.

[@lazyhomebody1356]

😮😮😮😮😮

[@barberton3695]

😂 oops - we call them Canadian Geese in South Africa too. Have noted the correct term🦆

[@beachgirl9304]

I correct people all the time that the name is Canada goose. Saw some when I was on a trip in Germany. A Canadian in our group told me that Canada geese are Canada's revenge on the world.

[@DanBeech-ht7sw]

What if it was a Greylag goose with a Canadian passport?

[@JustMe-vk4fn]

@ 3:06 Sometimes I wish that *everyone* could experience blindness for just long enough to realize that the quality of the thoughts between a person's ears and the size of the spirit of kindness in their hearts are the only things that really matter in life. When people share 99.99% of their DNA with each other the color of our skin simply isn't an issue anymore. Let's *evolve,* shall we?

[@impishrebel5969]

Have you seen Idiocracy? It's an excellent documentary of current evolutional development.

[@vexile1239]

Have you seen the state of western society? If you are swm you are hated, despised and discriminated against solely because your skin is on the paler end of the spectrum and anything you achieve is solely because of some fictional privilege/bs patriarchy that doesn't exist

[@Volkbrecht]

Wait, what? You want us to evolve towards blindness?

[@JustMe-vk4fn]

Nope. *Kindness* :) Read the comment again, only slower. @@Volkbrecht

[@Volkbrecht]

@@JustMe-vk4fn Sorry, I'll stick with my creative misunderstanding. It's hard enough to find posts like yours that can be taken the wrong way, I'm not going to spoil that by being reasonable.

[@swarley4867]

@ 6:32 "Have you met engineers?" 😂😭 Its so true! ...im an engineer 💀

[@zodarian6705]

You know what an engineer does? Puts the ears on the engine😂

[@anonymouspigeon8907]

7:40 The thing that would make this even better would be if Brittany adopted and named Baby Jeff before she met Jeff the human.

[@briansimpson9371]

I believe what the guy from Mexico was referring to was a Canadian Ninja Chicken....lmao

[@heatherweir8726]

@ 4:55. This is so true if your pet doesn't like your partner it would ve very awkward and stressful for everyone.

[@DeathnoteBB]

For real! That one feels out of place cause yeah no way is anyone throwing their pet out for someone!

[@r.j.powers381]

These are hysterical 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@DummyAccount-gx4wc]

Got several good laughs from this vid - ty. 😊

[@druidriley3163]

Hilarious! The hemo one is great.

[@Josh-yr7gd]

“No hemo!” 🤣

[@MollyHJohns]

I wasn't paying attention and then my finger tapped exactly at the chandelier falling out of the ballroom euphemism I can't........... GRANDPA YOU NEED TO WEAR ACTUAL PANTS. Edit: if an intelligent animal or your good pet doesn't like someone or is wary of a person you know, definitely trust the animal or pet more. They can smell malice and fear.

[@SwirlingSoul]

Cobra chicken. I'm ded! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@easyredbeard9799]

Absolutely fantastic. Cry-laughing.

[@crazysiouxz]

You mean that nightmare where I have to back to high school at 40 is TRUE??!!??😩

[@haroldwilkes598]

6:35 Sometimes I believe I owed my career to the fact I can speak accounting, computing and English.

[@johncentamore1052]

I had to pause after Jersey Mikes. Was laughing so hard I couldn't see 😂

[@jasonbell2070]

Great job. Really enjoyed it.

[@PickleAllergy]

ok, Winston with his first mid walk nap..lol

[@LillikoiSeed]

Thanks I needed this today

[@nahoooli]

This was great laughed throughout thanks

[@MWSin1]

The black guide dog on the bus... Rosa Barks?

[@sadlaw2799]

Poor Daisy dog

[@mogeroithe]

The woman at the party is a keeper.👍

[@user-uj8dh7gf4g]

Can someone please explain the Jersey Mike’s sub meme at 9:18???

[@stevencovington4715]

I need to know as well.

[@timothytwang]

Top as in on top, and sub is the abbreviation used by BDSM. This is a very accidental sex joke

[@MollyHJohns]

They themselves are now included in the club as well.

[@vickidemarco2076]

​@@timothytwangya never would have known that

[@peacefulpossum2438]

Funny how many people came here to say Canada goose.

[@cyirvine6300]

4:36 yeah, my goats are incredibly dumb too! They can't figure out how to walk backwards if they trap me in a narrow spot!

[@anna9072]

I dunno, if my goats trapped me in a corner I’d suspect some deep-laid plot.

[@cyirvine6300]

They follow you everywhere, even into a dead end. They intently at you , like, so what are we going to do now?

[@MRGior-wo6dk]

"My technician leaves me notes about things..." Your technician likely tells your patients how to pronounce your name, your technician definitely deserves a raise.

[@jamesbriggs5740]

The drug sniffing dog one is cute. Kathy B

[@peacefulpossum2438]

A friend got pulled over and the cops asked if they could look in the trunk to which he agreed. The drug dog went nuts. The cop reached in, pulled out a bag of pears, and chuckled. “He loves pears.”

[@lazyhomebody1356]

​@@peacefulpossum2438Awwwwwwwwwww😂

[@susie9893]

Well pizza must be confusing to a dog - so many different scents

[@LoreleiMission]

Generations ago, recordkeeping was by-hand and more relaxed. 1950s: Mom snuck out of her boarding school for a late-night party just before graduation, got caught, kicked out of school, didn't graduate high school, no high school diploma. Went to her previously-arranged university appointment anyway. Staff looks through her folder "oh they don't have your HS grad info in here yet, it probably just got delayed" and finished admitting her to the college. Nobody ever noticed... She went on to get 3 degrees, in spite of never graduating from high school.

[@SgtSareth]

My wife and I were close friends with another couple who had recently had a baby. They only had one car, so if she needed to run errands while he was at work she'd often call and ask me (an evening shifter) for a ride. No problem. One day she was checking out at the grocery store and I was helping to bag her groceries when the cashier saw her son. "Oooooh, you two have such a cute baby!" "He's not mine," I growled. My friend's wife barely managed to call me an a*****e between her bouts of laughter at the cashier's expression...

[@llkg9]

When I worked in Pharmacy, my son told his kindergarten teacher I gave people drugs. 😳

[@HelenCamile63]

My fave was the old man’s chandelier that fell from the ballroom. 🤣

[@davidedwards8732]

The wife/daughter note would have been very useful to a friend of mine. A long retired fellow professional he had never met agreed to discuss a work problem in his own home. A middle aged lady entered and my friend considered the colleague had done very well to find such a younger, good looking and intelligent partner. To his shock she said I am his wife's mother!

[@kevinyarbrough5206]

My uncle god rest his soul got me one time as I introduced him to my then girlfriend he looked at me straight faced and said " Gosh she is so much prettier than you described her" Me red faced..

[@Katriella.]

3:09 the contact info "$10/lb pork supplier" 😂

[@ianmoseley9910]

Why can't you be both feral and married?

[@susie9893]

I think he might've got confused by "domestic partnership" 🤭

[@soaringvulture]

My wife is.

[@kokomslife1477]

Knew a guy who was potty training his puppy. If puppy peed on floor, guy would rub puppy's face in the pee, take him to the door, sternlyadmonish him, and take him outside...where puppy would proceed to play. This continued for a few days till puppy figured out...all he had to do was have a pee wherever, rub his nose in it, and run to the door...then He'd get free outside time😂😂❤

[@josepherhardt164]

8:48 Shoulda just gone with "Kwisatz Haderach." 9:21 I am totally not getting this. 9:58 Most "Twister" videos are rated R to XXX. 11:01 I'm sitting on my hands, trying not to type the obvious joke. 11:34 That's so cold I felt a draft! 13:35 Diploma rescission: I'd say, "Send that to me in writing. My attorney will want a copy."

[@NorthernSeaWitch]

The jersey Mike's subs probably got a lot of responses from people referencing the BDSM lifestyle. Top and sub, like dominant and submissive.

[@josepherhardt164]

@@NorthernSeaWitch Ah. Thanks!

[@DeathnoteBB]

6:16 Dr. Glaucomflecken!

[@mackenzieneal1660]

I'm afraid of snakes coming up the toilet now.☹

[@shizukagozen777]

The pugs one. 😭😭🤣💖

[@lindsaypreston1785]

Dude my mom’s house has a bear proof dumpster behind it because they have bear problems there and I can barely open it! (It’s not designed for people under 5 ft under 100 lbs! It isn’t stupidity, it’s size!)

[@kerim.peardon5551]

Ah, the technician's note. When I was with my late husband at the hospital, a nurse asked if I was his daughter. I said no, I'm his wife. She looked a little taken aback and, in her haste to cover up her faux pas, she said, oh, well, you look really young for your age! And I replied, that's because I am young. (I was 39 at the time. My husband was 17.5 years older.)

[@Kualinar]

1:40 That one is so nice. Dear anonymous tech, you are totally excused. 3:35 That's a little harmless lie to make peoples feel better. So, that's a good and justified lie. 9:15 That's a nice one. Probably also saved OP many times the cost of that mannequin in damage to the house.

[@Derek-qu8qi]

7:05 I did this to my mate. We were on the way to the pub and he passed a guy from his work. I introduced myself as his boyfriend. The two of them looked horrified 😂😂😂😂 and I burst out laughing and walked away.

[@benjalucian1515]

"no hemo" I'm dying 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😆😆🤣🤣

[@nighttorcher]

0:37 - THIS ONE. THIS ONE IS RELATABLE.

[@StationeryJunkieGirl]

Wait, why was the blind person ordered off the bus? My dog rides the bus with me all the time (he’s not a service dog).