Mid-range narcissists

[@BabylonSistaah]

“Enough good days to confuse you, enough bad days to break your heart” the instant you said this I cried. I’ve been battling confusion and heartbreak for 6 years. This was the mirror I needed. Thank you Dr. Ramani. I am going to do what I now know I’ve needed to do. Break myself free.

[@Whatevertheheck]

Good for you!! Best of luck to you ❤️❤️❤️

[@neydefa]

6 years to the dot tomorrow in my relationship! She has described him exactly. And yes that frase also resonates with me. I need to take action! 😩

[@KamikazeKaren13]

This totally describes my ex- husband. I stayed for 37 years and it was so hard, because he would have just enough good days to convince me that it "wasn't that bad". Really it WAS that bad! It just confused me and our children so much. He broke our spirits 😪

[@gabbd.2795]

@@KamikazeKaren13 how are your kids doing now after being with a narcissist person since little...? Try to tell them they don't have ti please anyone cus the people who loves them don't invalidate their way of thinking and feel .

[@mqua4610]

I’ve been burned twice now with this and the second time happened just this week. The “you’re the best, I love you.” Then a day later “you need to…” (always the expert of nothing telling me how I can improve). This is followed by gaslighting, ghosting etc…

[@leavingnarcville3565]

With a mid-range narcissist, it takes longer to recognize exactly what is going on because just when you are hitting your limit, they seem to recognize that and shift their behavior temporarily. And just when you think maybe they "get it"...nope. Faux-empathy is a perfect description.

[@ddeuce1847]

Exactly. Is that because they actually have self-reflection and empathy and are "mid-range," or are they just really good hiding their inner self, projecting an image of goodness and normalcy, and manipulating us into sticking around? Is that "mid-range," or the successful and effective tactics of a "high range" narc?

[@tashasmith2245]

You got that right!

[@ddeuce1847]

@Kelly Yeager Exactly. It took me over 23 years before it even occurred to me to use the word narcissist on my covert ex-wife. Parental alienation after the divorce led me to that word, only now I see the scope of the alienation. That goes back 20 years and her evil plan is till playing out. I saw little pieces of it as it slowly played out, slowly expanding the problem. Now I see the full scope of it and where it's headed. Same was as the narcissism itself. I saw pieces of it from the very beginning, and I never could put my finger on it. I was confused and never could understand. It wasn't until the end that I was able to put all the pieces together and see the full picture. My kids still don't see it.

[@selfloveforever2360]

@@ddeuce1847 took me over 30 odd years 😢 to put the puzzle together. Never heard of the word narcissist until I split from my X then it all came together what this person truly was. My kids don’t seem to see it or whether they do and they are covering up for him just like what I did in the years I was with him. Wishing you peace and happiness 🙏

[@ddeuce1847]

@@selfloveforever2360 I saw that play out in person at work. watching other people react. We were dealing with another company with a hard core narc CEO. His tactics had all of our senior management, all seasoned and really experts at social skills, going nuts, getting into heated shouting matches! They knew something was wrong with this guy, but didn't have a clue what it was. I knew better at that time than to throw around the narcissist word. They didn't know what it meant. They weren't prepared to deal with it. I started labelling his behaviors and tactics. Their eyes would light up in epiphany when they had a label for it. Once they understood the words, I showed them how the words define narcissism. Then they got it. Interesting that you had the same experience in your marriage that I did.

[@kuunami]

"But your mom seems so nice." Said to me by every friend I've ever tried to share my frustration with.

[@RippleDrop.]

Mine too. "She seems so great!“

[@ScentualBeauty]

🙄 "but you only have one mother" ugh, those are the worst!

[@diannalamantia1702]

I got “are you sure you’re not paranoid?” Seriously. Because mom is interesting and delightful in public. When she misses a step, it makes heads turn toward me, so she is still the pillar of grace and fortitude.

[@lucymars4319]

The key word here is ‘seems’. Whenever someone shares the inside story with me I always believe them.

[@petronellaeiksson1699]

Yes. They did. It makes it so hard

[@blackpekoe4163]

My mother. I’ve never felt comfortable or close with her. She neglected me emotionally as a child and chose everyone else over my needs, and now tries to reel me back in as an adult. I can no longer make excuses for her to myself. She was a bad mother.

[@cailin5309]

It really concerns me that lack of physical violence tricks people so well. Because I will tell you, even as someone who had a highly physically abusive ex, there’s nothing more painful than someone attacking your SANITY on a regular basis. Don’t let that fool you into thinking “this is just normal ups & downs” it’s NOT! Not any more normal than someone attacking your physical body!

[@hazelnatividad8026]

Thank you for this

[@nickijames5122]

So true sadly. People are always comparing themselves like it’s some game. Mental or narc abuse just goes under the radar and if we the victims, stay strong and resilient then we are disbelieved even more, can’t win 😔 I usually say to anyone who might listen, that if they saw visible bruises or black eyes then they’d surely sit up and take notice and support that person but the scars from mental abuse aren’t visible, but that’s worse. This is why we defend ourselves, on the que vie, feel negative, irritable, anxious....all the things that narc abuse causes, these are our scars 😢

[@steph3098]

Thank you

[@kaylaschroeder1]

Yes. I agree. Thank you for saying this.

[@mememefinally]

I wish emotional abuse would leave visible marks, it would be SO much easier to make people understand!

[@NarcSurvivor]

Mid-range narcissists are more self aware than lower range narcissists. They are often driven by money and power.

[@80islandia]

And yet, in being so focused on the chess game it takes to achieve material wealth and success, in some cases it doesn’t quite register when people start to see through them.

[@lindasharpe7039]

Facts!

[@Peanuts76]

Yes....

[@Trollika_Devi]

They have enough self awareness to know not to take it too far and blow the lid on it but not enough to realise they are full of sh1t

[@purvamandlik4696]

@@Trollika_Devi oh yes! Just snap in, insult, snap out, patch up. They need to see just that hint of heartbreak on their victims' face. They know, if they take it too far, they will lose good long-term supply.

[@Hannah-ph9yu]

“Enough good days to confuse you, and enough bad days to break your heart” - grew up with a whole family system like this, only this year have I learned enough to realise I’m NOT the problem (I’m 33). Here’s to healing for us all ❤️

[@Thaspicy1]

YAASSSS! I myself realized it ! It WASN’T ME it was HIM! I would break my brain/ head… What is it?! Is it me?! What am I doing wrong & why am I not good enough. I did everything right for the wrong person for 6 years & we had a daughter also. She was one of the main reasons I stayed & I also had nowhere to go 😞he had all the power. He destroyed me to my core & I was always mad , depressed & lonely. I would isolate myself to avoid it & that wasn’t good either.

[@claratreeborn8647]

This quote resonates soooooo much !!! :(

[@ED-ie3et]

This is my story. They purposefully ignore it but when I was calling out their inaction they silence me.

[@remissao13]

❤ ❤🌻🌻

[@DrMoorehen]

Im twice that age now....and boy was that also a great realisation for me!

[@FarzanItis]

The best thing dr Ramini said about being in a relationship with a narccasist is that "Its like looking in a mirror but nothing is looking back"

[@bereal6590]

So true... that's how I feel when I look at n.parents unless their in rage or anger mode then they reflect venom!

[@joseenoel8093]

It's like living with the old 📺 TV character "Herman Munster", when Herman looks too long in the mirror it quickly cracks!

[@joseenoel8093]

@@bereal6590 wow they do it so well too, yrs of practising, aiming for what's important (kidding in life) Just gotta put up with wanna be narc hubby this family festive long weekend (🇨🇦) I'll take it!

[@lindasharpe7039]

Yes, an a hole.

[@lindasharpe7039]

@@joseenoel8093 Good one. 😂😂

[@yogapilatesandstretchingwi285]

I was with a mid range narc. His only perceived “empathy” was when he got upset when someone else was suffering (eg disease, loss, etc). On further questioning I realized he wasn’t experiencing empathy for the other person, but when he was thinking “this could happen to ME!” Others thoughts it was empathy. I knew what it really was. My favorite story was when a friend of ours came over who was battling breast cancer. He was perfectly nice to her, but after she left he was mad. I thought he was mad because you could see how much she was suffering, however he said he was mad because she didn’t wear her wig and it made him uncomfortable. He actually said “can you imagine not going out in public and not wearing your wig? That shows lack of concern for how other people feel....it made me so uncomfortable!” What he said left me speechless and upset. When I brought it up to him the next day, he denied ever saying that. But I know what he said and how he acted. Unbelievable!

[@teresamaafu1541]

🤢🤢🤢he is a sick man for sure!!!

[@kathleensueoka3599]

Sounds familiar.

[@caobita]

Yes, that's how they are. Also are they very good at showing their "empathy" telling you how bad they feel for a person who is in a similar bad situation to the one YOU are in (but actually less bad than yours), just trying to make you feel miserable because they never have empathy for you. And of course they never said things they said or you were just too dumb to understand what they meant to say

[@genesismartinez6664]

It’s the way my jaw dropped.

[@MeeLii2024]

The amount of denial they employ is unreal. Even when presented with concrete evidence they will lie!

[@housewife_ninja]

This reminds me of my father. He was so nice to acquaintances at the store and later on I asked him why he didn't treat me and my sister like that and he told us, "it's because I love you enough to not lie to you." Very confusing thing to hear as a teen.

[@cc1k435]

That is the perfect way to describe my own mother's "love". Believe it or not, I can genuinely laugh at it now, probably because I haven't seen her in decades. The idea of having to actually hang out with her is a bit nauseating to this day, though. 😅

[@katejones2172]

Wow

[@mikawayu1413]

OMGOODNESS.....sounds like my X. Always the "chess game esq" comments the mind F the crap outta you. Praise God u were and still are discerning enough to question such behavior.

[@msakeeba]

This IS MY HUSBAND. So glad we’re divorcing. He’s so cruel, just in private. 9 years of him releasing tension and anger on me, just at home. Outside people think he’s so kind and generous, but won’t share money, affection, attention, or give any kindness to me. Years of lying, gaslighting , manipulation and cheating. This really is the truth - it really resonates. So glad I’ve seen this video.

[@wildhorses6817]

Yes, I can relate. Divorce is a good step in healing. Be Kind to yourself.

[@agnesstrzykowska4300]

Divorced years ago and here I am learning what the f*** happened to my life and trying to rebuild myself after the damage he left. But for me it was 35 years. You girl run, save yourself. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you ❤️

[@simonelavelle443]

And 19 year for me. Took years to build courage to divorce -and it wasn’t pretty when I did. Textbook. Am almost out.

[@betsy3075]

Yes, enough “normalcy” to keep you in it. Enough for you to question if it’s you and for you to keep trying harder. Meanwhile you become so frazzled and they are so calm and wonderful to everyone else. Truly a living hell to go through. Hang on, be strong. the divorce is no picnic .

[@lisapurnell2064]

I believe you, and I'm with you 100%.. So good to know there are people who understand.. who have been through it and know. I'm so glad for the videos too.

[@kristinmeyer489]

Trying to explain narcissistic abuse to someone who has never experienced it is like hitting your own head up against a brick wall. You learn, if you're not a masochist. This pain is yours, and yours alone, AND IT IS HELL ON EARTH. That is why being abused this particular way is torture and so very alienating.

[@joybarla7963]

HELL ON EARTH ..right on I agree with u

[@katherines4572]

Amen!

[@paigeproctor1692]

Definitely HELL ON EARTH and unimaginable pain.

[@wildhorses6817]

Yes, HELL ON EARTH. Absolutely, and no one knows it nor sees it. It is Torture.

[@misskay5459]

💯%...Facts! The absolute devastation!

[@NellyBlyAlibi]

Trying to teach people about narcissism always backfires. They either get it or they don’t. I wish I’d known this earlier. It’s been a long, grueling, lonely road. But the greatest tool is finally knowing it for myself and not taking it on.

[@Trollika_Devi]

Exactly. You get gaslighted by well meaning people too ,who very quickly decide you are being hypersensitive, paranoid or entitled. The likelihood of somebody understanding narcissism well without having been abused by a narcissist is quite low .

[@Ellie_Kat]

It's rare to find someone else who sees the mid range narcissist but Oh Boy! does it feel so validating when you do. It can stop you from self gaslighting.

[@NellyBlyAlibi]

@@Trollika_Devi The well meaning ones who interpreted in exactly the ways you describe, were initially the most painful. Once I understood that only experience with this could help one understand, I stopped gaslighting myself and the whole world changed.

[@Trollika_Devi]

@@NellyBlyAlibi Yes it's shocking and painful at first. We expected them to at least try and empathise even if they didn't fully get it. Really bad when you get instant dismissal from them. Worse when they change the subject as if you brought up the topic of alien abduction . Took me a while to get used to the fact that this is going to be lonely and tht it's pointless to try and talk about it with people at the risk of ruining my otherwise nice equation with them.

[@ashleydannielle6715]

I’ve had multiple people in my life also agree that my narcissist is a narcissist.

[@Tim30120]

Bingo nailed it. Took me 22 years to find this out. I never knew narcissism was a real thing until coming across your videos. This really explains a lot. After this long the hurt is deep. At this moment, I don’t know if I’ll ever going to another relationship. Thank you so much for your videos.

[@eringobragh7]

This describes my last relationship exactly! I left 11 months ago and went full No Contact. These mid range narcissists could have you end up in a psychiatric hospital! Processing the trauma has been challenging to say the least. The experience will help me spot one and get out sooner. Thank you Dr. Ramani 🙏🏼❤️

[@shelley7975]

The way I see it, I don't care if anyone else understands narcissism at this point. I get it, and I want to get as far away from it as I can. Being the understanding empath has caused me a lot of grief through the years. I'm done trying to explain myself or anyone else's bad behavior to others. Thanks Dr. Ramani, you have really helped open my eyes to the reality of narcissism and the damage it can do. Have a blessed day!!!

[@crystalmorrison1539]

Same here, DONE DONE DONE!!!!

[@jacksinthehat_4776]

I FEEL THE SAME WAY

[@tammylake6183]

Hi Shelley,I so get where your coming from,that's all I felt I ever done in the relationship with mine, this person was next level. Be strong in your journey to a better life going forward.

[@anaphylaxis2548]

Right there with you! Life is too short to spend it dealing with toxic people.

[@antoinette8519]

I'm right there with you. I am done with all things narcissistic. When I became aware of all the narcissists in my life I realized why I spent so much of my life exhausted and unfulfilled. Now I am focusing on getting rid of all narcissists in my life and on healing from their abuse.

[@ScentualBeauty]

Trying to out a mid range or covert narc is an exercise in futility. Most people understand the verbal and/or physical abuse that comes with overt narcissism, but the majority don’t “get” emotional abuse and covert narcissism. It’s something you cannot understand unless you have experienced it first hand.

[@vishnuprasad-bg1wr]

You are absolutely right

[@Envlo]

Yes. People may excuse it as “thats just how they are” and dont get it as abuse

[@PiscesinVa]

Exactly. Silence was my ex husband's weapon of choice

[@santoparfano1910]

Most people don't understand its pure torture to be exposed to gaslighting, projecting, manipulation on a regular basis. You can't prove this to anyone and self doubt is an issue bc these predators give enough empathy to confuse you, and then throw you off kilter by the above abusive tactics.

[@crystalmorrison1539]

@@santoparfano1910 not worth the perplexed looks you get. Adds to the self doubt.

[@1978lovelight]

Also something I have noticed about the mid range. They always need new things , new cars, new pets, new boats, kayaks, yard equipment. Not because the items need upgrade but because they get board of everything in their life including people.

[@ivyhernandez2526]

True

[@lindasharpe7039]

@@levilabs1781 Wow

[@chriswinter8255]

It's bored, not board. Also, should read "Not because the items need TO BE upgraded...."

[@kristins4494]

SO true!

[@shelley7975]

@@chriswinter8255 This is not about grammar. Find another place to correct others use of English. Wow!

[@sherryzhang2454]

The mask on and mask off is definitely spot on. My step mum turns her charm on in public and can do no wrong. In private she is cold and cruel. That has been very confusing.

[@lashik8754]

After a long labor and C section at the end, I was a new mom drained off of all the energy and emotions, devoid of 2 nights sleep, and my high range narcissistic mother in law comes in and says, “Oh, my poor son, he must be so tired. You should go and get some sleep. “ Ignoring and invalidating my whole existence and my mid range narcissistic husband says nothing, just sits there enjoying the attention. I still get tears when I think about it 8 years later.

[@sampal5352]

It’s so awful to realize you love your people more than they can love you. I’m so sorry. Hope your children bring you joy.

[@missjannd]

Oh God you just described my ex and his now dead narc mother!

[@villasoka884]

Watching a C section, and the stress does exhaust you! Have you not experienced that? Crazy woman!

[@suras8984]

Omg that sounds horrific.

[@helenhoward5346]

Sorry didn't mean to ramble and make this about myself... I just couldn't restrain myself. I can relate to feeling isolated and lonely, even berated, right after having my three babies, all were intense deliveries. Traumatic vaginal with my first, my husband took off with his friends for hours afterwards while I was alone in a hospital room with our son just crying, that's a common theme, I was usually crying, my second was 32 weeks premature after a C-section and that was a whole damn thing, and he suggested staying married for the kids and that he didn't love me anymore when I was 37 weeks pregnant with our third, it was so devastating and it was even worse when she too was scuttled off to the NICU and that just brought back all those helpless feelings and feeling really alone. It was probably a blessing in disguise that my last two were in the NICU, I was so deliriously sleep deprived from new mom hormones and rumination that it was better for me that I had some solitude. Then our youngest was in the NICU for a week and I stayed with her, he cared for our older kids but occasionally came by and was so smitten with our daughter and was more warm towards me. It's been almost exactly 2 years since then. I still feel a pit of pain about it. I understand my family couldn't visit bc of covid policies with #3 but I've never gotten flowers or anything like that after having a baby, maybe a little more attention after my first obviously. But it was incredibly hard especially after having my preemie, that was the lowest period of my life, CPS got involved twice, my husband was causing drama in the NICU it was just a mess. I had tremendous difficulty bonding with my baby, she cried constantly after we brought her home, she only slept for 45 minutes at a time usually then proceeded to scream for 30-60 minutes. I've always been the sole caregiver. He's NEVER pulled an overnighter or any block of time to let me rest. The infant care is my job. He claims he's worried he'll hurt them accidentally and I'm like get over yourself....

[@practive123]

Mid range is the most dangerous because of the tactics used to keep you around

[@kre8unity]

💯

[@lisareid7043]

I think they have empathy when it suits their agenda, goals, or emotional need to feel good about their self at that moment. But still they can turn their back on you no matter how much you ask for help as well.

[@ED-ie3et]

My sister to a T.

[@paigeproctor1692]

Yep. They can be so cold and turn their back on you when it's you that desperately needs help but have the nerve to come back later and expect you to help them again. They have absolutely no guilt or shame which is so hard to comprehend. 😢

[@danielparker355]

Exactly. They switch it on/off depending on what suits them.

[@sandyavalos3305]

This!!!! Say it louder for the people in the back!!

[@korab.23]

YES! THIS is the thing I've been needing to hear and looking for! I couldn't figure out his empathy! Ohmygosh thank you for posting this. So much relief and clarity from this comment! Eg: he made fun of me for getting my first covid vaccine (in front of our oldest child even). We came thru covid just fine, he had it worse. We just had the flu and he turned on the concern and charm and I couldn't figure it out other than maybe hoovering but this is what it really is. He doesn't get supply from me any more so this was the reason.

[@lisajohnson4744]

“Just enough good days to keep you confused, and just enough bad days to break your heart.” Nailed it.

[@katejones2172]

Yep

[@valerie5325]

Fake empathy and fake compassion. Cognitive emotions

[@robinwasicek7767]

My mother is a covert mid-range narcissist and this hit spot on! -super controlling of schedules -always blows up on holidays (even if everyone was doing exactly what she wanted) -victimized herself in nearly every situation that didn’t play fully into her favor -gaslight, invalidated, and raged at any criticism (punched a hole in the wall after she blew up when I didn’t ask how she was first thing in a morning convo and I refused to apologize for something I did ask a few sentences in) YET -was involved in me and my siblings life and still comforted during hard times (if it happened to be something she agreed with and a good day) -passes off as a very kind person generous person who helps others in public -gives gifts regularly -nearly never will show her dark side in public

[@9HeatherJ]

same here

[@blissfulbaboon]

Yes ..big on gift giving

[@salmcdeck]

It used to amaze me when he could go from raging, yelling, screaming etc; to calm and collected on a phone call.

[@msme7674]

I saw this once! Raged at me to instigate a fight, then immediately called a friend and put on the "act" - jovially talking, laughing and "mirroring" the guy! I shook my head in disbelief. Now I know what the heck "it" is.

[@breakthrough1019]

Devil at home .. and an Angel outside .. I looked like I was ungrateful & unappreciative .. while I was the victim he looked like the victim ..

[@user-vn9sh6hv8r]

Yes!! Thank you for saying that. I don't like who i am when i am around her (my mother) - i get defensive, prickly, contemptuous, on edge, sceptical (of her "nice" public persona) - and yes, "ungrateful & unappreciative" too. It's like you swallow all the poison they give to you and become someone poisonous - and that's then how others see you... while they see them as the long suffering martyr to this "ungrateful" child. It's just another reason to avoid them - but then when you do, you become "distant", "uncaring" and "unfeeling" for not showing up and for "abandoning" them. You absolutely cannot win. It's so confusing, like Dr R says, because you start questioning whether it is *you* who is toxic, but it's only from drinking *their* poison... Time for a detox..!

[@breakthrough1019]

@@user-vn9sh6hv8r I completely hear you on that .. keep a distance .. it is the only way !

[@TheOwnerOfRealMadrid]

I am a human who's always defensive in all situations and I bring up to people my self-importance when I am critize because I really like who I am If somebody would told to me: ,,You did good but you could do much better.'' so then I will respond with this: ,,I can't imagine you if you would be there in my place which I have been in, I think it would be much horrible.'' because I like myself very much :)

[@merryweather6090]

I tried to tell someone about my ex narcissist. I was told I was suffering menopausal symptoms. Argh.

[@appalachianwitchxx4704]

Also I think its important to recognize that sometimes these people use self-deprecation as a form of attention seeking which is the ultimate red herring. It makes it so hard to pinpoint them because they seem humble in some ways yet so attention seeking in others. Their speech isn't as detectable as being arrogant, it's through their actions they reveal themselves.

[@danadoostan2235]

Oh my God, I’ve never felt more heard in my life. I kept doubting the fact that my ex was a narcissist, because I felt like no one would ever believe me. I have never been been soooo confused and self doubting in my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[@Nightsisters_Clan]

Welcome to the rabbit hole.

[@nacarreira777]

Ditto....she just described my husband.

[@authenticallyalam]

My best friend who I dearly loved and admired for 4 years is one! I’m done with her

[@bonniesauter888]

The problem. With this mid range narc. from having been caught in the webs of family members, entrapment's since I was child, it's not easy to face "Lies" as such when a lifetime of feeling shame, wrong bad stupid, flawed. The good news it's not me is at war with my past perceived identity. Other people have pointed out how my emotions are manipulated by family members. In the middle of a card game where we were having fun, she says that I. Was Very manipulative. I foolishly said What? About the cards and when I would hang around her when she was dating, 50 years or so ago. She's shared how parents hurt her. I didn't know, but it seemed like thoughtless and cruel treatment. But somehow my neglect, rejection and CONSTANT CORRECTION, Paled to hers.....I had the TBI at 9. Their words would crowd out my thoughts, which I relayed wrongly, so I was told. My thoughts are raped and ridiculed. I couldn't get them out of head. They became a part of me, like sand flowing through my veins like blood. But instead of giving life, slowly scratching it away. I do have hope. I am beginning to believe it's not just me. Having the good times make me feel petty to criticize. I'm often reminded on how much she's done for me. (TBI?) I don't recall many, this leaves me feeling like an integrate. (She has a degree in counseling) Her thoughts, only you can choose to feel a certain way. I believe God has blessed me in finding you on KZbin. I need to continue to remind myself of the manipulative barbs thrown at me so I can shield them from getting under my skin. Awareness is so powerful. Dr. Ramani thank you for your cathartic teachings and sharing. I even saw a video you presented where dear one you persevered even though your health seemed (a cold). I can be off here, but don't let our want for new tools to deal with "them", almost become

[@windysmith7367]

Good comments

[@kryssysmith1486]

The people who brought me up we're not mild narcissist at all (they were extreme narcissist). However, I remember people in public telling them how "Look, your kids are so polite and they know their manners." It drive me up the freaking wall because nobody knew what the hell happened behind closed doors. I am so grateful I am no longer a part of their lives.

[@realhealing7802]

In public my narcissistic parents put on the best parent show but at home the abuse relentless. Real hypocrites!!!

[@kryssysmith1486]

@@realhealing7802 Preaching to the choir. The hypocrisy is something I find baffling. I don't know that's one aspect I can't get my head around. Do as I say not as I do. Along with everything else they do on a daily basis. 🙄🙄🙄🙄

[@klfannbbb]

I had the same experience. I used to get really stressed out if my cousins were being "bad" because I thought they would be punished the same way I would have been. I thought that's just what dads do, scream at and beat you.

[@ED-ie3et]

This.

[@kryssysmith1486]

@@klfannbbb For me, I knew the difference by the time I was five. Luckily, I had a friend (at the time) and he was raised in a healthy family home so I got to see the difference between what theHELL (I was literally going through) versus a happy healthy family. It just drove me up the wall because no matter what I said to anybody, no one ever believe me (even CPS didn't believe me) they were that charismatic and Charming out in public. Everyone believed them instead of me. As I said I am currently narcissistic free and I am so happy I am.

[@brainboosterrva2320]

You described my ex EXACTLY. He knew he was an ass but had no self control to stop himself. He was a devil at home but an angel in public. He was constantly playing the victim, lamenting how everyone else got more luck than him. Three decades I and the children endured him. No more.

[@kaseycollins5602]

Yes, he retaliated by telling my friends and family I was on drugs smh. My best friend however, had went through this with her ex husband and she gave me the strength to leave for good. I'm 2 weeks out and I'm still standing strong. Thank God for her and thank God for your videos.

[@cide3197]

(1) Stay the main course/goal. (2) Keep to your principles. (3) Seek kindred spirits. 👍 Best wishes to you.

[@m.maclellan7147]

Awesome ! Pat your self on the back. That is FANTASTIC !

[@diannalamantia1702]

One best friend is like a super power. 💕

[@FaithfulandTrue777]

Thank God you got out, the smear campaign is meant to bait you into a reaction so they can point the finger... Cut your losses and run. Jesus loves you 💖👍

[@TheRaqessarr]

I have always felt I am in a narcissistic relationship however most descriptions of narcissists are so extreme. This one hit the nail on the head and it really encourages me to get out!!! Thank you.

[@barbaracantlin5886]

You are explaining my husband. Cries at times especially when he has been drinking. He calls the police on me then sits back when I'm already enraged and he looks like a prince while I look like a raving lunatic

[@taml5145]

Enough good days to confuse you. Enough bad days to break your heart. You hit the nail on the head once again, Dr Ramani.

[@sylviakelly2976]

That is so true Dr. Ramani. I had enough bad days w/ him to break my heart. Faux empathy and controlling for sure. He was happy, smiling, charismatic while out. Behind closed doors- mental and verbal meanness. Conveniently he had no recall ever of saying ' mean things'....yet also he'd say I was too sensitive- I would be taking things to personally. No more roller coaster rides- thank God we didn't get married! No contact- going into month two. I will be ok. I was in love w/ a man who really doesn't exist. I have to keep watching these videos- so I can avoid any future situations w/ narcissists. I don't want to ever feel like a rung out sponge again ....

[@lelecuca]

I’ve heard a few times just not to listen when he was angry, to just ignore and not take personally. But the psychologic emotional destruction is inevitable. You hear the same thing so many times you start to believe it.

[@abowling5759]

It definitely is psychologically damaging....to be their verbal punching bag.

[@Albatrosspro1]

On the admiration part... my dad's favorite and predictable routine is that my mom spends 2-3 hours preparing a gourmet dinner with multiple dishes. And then he makes his own salad, which takes 5-10 minutes. He sits down at the table, digs into the salad he has made, and loudly and proudly exclaims how delicious it is. I know it would seem absurd to think he could actually be jealous of my mom (?!) for being the one to produce such an excellent meal. But in reality he has such a need to compete and be admired that yes he feels threatened by his own wife who is actually working hard primarily for him....

[@amyheumann674]

Wow! My husband does this. I never even realized that this was part of NPD.

[@angieoconnell6392]

I've learned that the empathy only extends to individuals who they can identify with and see themselves in. It is a victim stance. Makes them think about themselves.

[@Shawna.Michelle]

This comment has really helped me see the truth of my current relationship. Well, it just ended, but I am pregnant with our twins now. This is so true! I've been confused by his empathy the whole time, yet it always felt odd to me the people he would choose to have empathy with. It was always those he saw himself in and he was simply feeling sorry for himself to the point he would cry about very minimal things he witnessed them go through. He had an easy childhood, I hear quite spoiled/entitled, though. I had such a difficult time understanding why it felt so weird and off when he would express empathy. When situations called for serious empathy (myself getting sexually violated at the grocery store, etc.) he was stone-faced and completely void. I just couldn't understand and now I do. Thank you for your comment! It's crazy sometimes the little things that we experience in these types of relationships and we can spend years learning about narcissism, but it still only clicks when we hear someone else's experience.

[@angieoconnell6392]

@@Shawna.Michelle it was confusing for me for a long time too but it became so evident over time that he had so much animosity towards anyone who had more than he did...the dichotomous thinking about deserving and undeserving. Basically, the only deserving people in his mind who weren't idiots are those who evidently struggled as he did. Ironically, they in his mind came across as 'hard working', humble, poor, had a woman who took everything from them...did not flash their wealth...however, the same person actually works, whereas he shows up for 6 weeks of the year to work and the guys he thinks are just like him work very hard (and probably have lost most of their wealth to drug habits). In the same breath another day, he will admonish the same guy for being a slave worker and earning $300k a year when if they just watched their money like he did, they wouldn't need to be "owned". He forgets other people have mortgages and families and he has a property he built with assistance of his family on family land and has never had a mortgage. It is enraging to see how he turns everyone into someone to be judged against himself and his greatness.

[@sierrapfiester2321]

My grandma introduced the idea of my mom being a narcissist and I thank God everyday for it. Now, before she did that, we had talked for hours about the messed up things my parents did so she knew I was on the same page. I'm just so glad she pointed me to this channel.

[@JohnnyCatFitz]

Wow, what a beautiful, brilliant woman. How lucky to have an ally that really really knows your narc.

[@sierrapfiester2321]

@@JohnnyCatFitz I couldn't agree more. I'm so blessed to have someone so close to the situation keep me sane!

[@Ina-wn7jd]

Wow, what an amazing grandma

[@madeittothepromisedland...7670]

I have been in the “trenches” with narcissists my whole life (60 yrs). Only understood it once I discovered Dr Ramani a few yrs ago. Thanks for your books and videos! Once I got it, I tried to educate family members-not sure they got it. Hard to resist the urge to educate and change people, but I have stopped. Protecting my precious mental health is my priority!

[@maeveoconnell5643]

I just think family members cannot handle the truth of narcissism /or don't want to know, if it's me that attempted to explain it. I don't do that anymore with anyone. As long as I know about it myself now, is a absolute gift, freedom & peace. Forever Grateful Dr Ramini. 💐

[@fleetskipper1810]

Yes, it is hard to resist explaining it to somebody who doesn’t understand. But you’re right. Only makes them look at you askance. I have stumbled across a couple of people who “get” narcissists because of their own run-ins with them, but I only discovered those people by accident because they don’t advertise their knowledge. And now I know why.

[@lauramejia4470]

This is S O accurate... and that is exactly what I used to tell him: "I dont understand how and why you choose to be so rude to me, the person you call the love of your life". The rollercoaster, the manipulation, the way people used to greet him with a big smile and always say what a great dad he was, how he would shift blame... I thank God I had a great support system... Needless to say I ended up in therapy... I am so much better now

[@yesyes3392]

you can't label someone as anything. He probably just didn't love you ever. We are all just a bundle of emotions. You expected him to just provide you with shit. That is the problem we are all people

[@lauramejia4470]

@@yesyes3392 feel free to believe whatever feels best for you 😊

[@yesyes3392]

​@@lauramejia4470 delusional. lmao. I don't believe in anything. i am just a person. You talk about other people like they are important. They aren't. We are all just people. No labels. Labels destroy, they are toxic. You probably just expected to much shit from him. Some women treat men like bragging items and it's disgusting. bragging items to people who don't care. the only people who matter is you and him. he is just a soul that happned to be in a boy body. Oh and the invisible man in the sky. How shallow are you to think that god cares about you? If god was real he wouldn't care about you. or me. we mean nothing in this universe.

[@LightAndShaddow5]

+Laura Mejia Hope your journey to becoming better continues moving forward in a healthy way.

[@yesyes3392]

@@LightAndShaddow5 People cannot become better. We are not objects.

[@kimberly2853]

I would love to hear more on the mid range narc, especially relating to long term illness and disability. So many assume that narcs move into discard mode, but in my case and others of which I’ve become aware, the narc puts themself in the position of a primary caregiver, as it is a position of power and control, where they are praised for their sacrifice.

[@BaiMengLing]

I am disabled and indeed my bf is our family provider, it fits the picture very well unfortunately

[@jmecarr6797]

Me too, as a caregiver for my mom who struggles with long term illness for the better part of my life. She has the exact notion of "I hate to ask, but" or "I'm sorry I'm such a bother, but" and demands anyway. Then I'm guilty for not doing it with a smile or as quickly as she wanted. It's exhausting. So exhausting.

[@Harry-qw5jv]

My experience is also of a narcissist who moved into the role of primary caregiver. It gives them complete control. It can be absolutely terrifying. In my experience the discards can look like threats to abandon the person needing care without any other care in place, threats to withdraw care, actually withdrawing or withholding care and a huge amount of mind games around this, eg pretending they did care they did not, then screaming rage attacks full of word salad and gaslighting if questioned or called out. This person is also very high on antisocial features but is a narcissist. I've also met a number of professional/paid caregivers who are narcissists, especially communal narcissists. Just horrible.

[@LightAndShaddow5]

+Kimberly Since they care more about the praise than the care giving, the ill person gets neglected and often gets upset at the narcissist's selfish and mean behavior, however to the world the narcissist looks like a kind and caring person who is just suffering from a bit of (understandable) carer stress since the person being cared for is causing so many problems.

[@lauragrolla5916]

And to stay in control.

[@nicholashildenbrand8632]

This is my mother. I've known for a while now, but I can assure you that when you first hear people talk about this or talk to you about the narc in your life you're going to experience a lot of confusion. They cannot love. It is all an act. You MUST learn to love yourself. I remember being a child with an emotionally absent father and a narc mother. It was exhausting and I suffered a disorganized attachment style. I was barely hanging on by a thread. I recieved just ENOUGH affection and love from other people in my life (extended family, friends, babysitters) and my mother's love bombing was just effective ENOUGH to fool me at times that I barely retained my sanity. (Not without scars). I am so lucky and grateful for those other people in my life. And also for the therapists that assisted me.

[@chinaiztoo]

THIS, right here. Spot on! It's like you were talking about my relationship.

[@WorldOfARandomVegan]

Oh yes, mine always said "I'm a nice guy." Despite all his manipulation, financial abuse, and cheating. His "empathy" was always a manipulation tool. Silence was also always his preferred control tool. I realized while with him that only those who had been involved with him intimately would have any clue he wasn't actually a nice guy. He is great at presenting the nice guy image to the world.

[@zeroeffsdoigivezerozeronon9202]

Omg mine has told me ,” I’m a good dude” too many times to count

[@poison_plays]

@@zeroeffsdoigivezerozeronon9202 My ex-gf is the same way! Loves talking about how kind, nice, honest and open-hearted she is. Acts like it in public, and to the new girl she’s love bombing of course. Meanwhile in private, she says the most cruel things about me and my family (she tweets awful things alluding to my family too and badmouths them to her friends), tells me it’s my job just to take it because she can’t help herself when she’s upset, tells me she can’t have empathy or compassion for me when I cry if she feels responsible for why I’m crying because my sadness makes her feel “attacked”. It’s so bizarre. I’m so sorry your ex is like this too.

[@Imprettyinpink]

Tell me about it .. sounds similar to me 😒

[@mezazis83]

Same here,my ex "help out" so many young single mums (generally testing chances on vulnerable women)and outlooking in public such a "good person" that its sickening.I wish I new that in my early 20s that its so important to know your partner exes,how it ended,what was his lesson out of it,possible infidelities.That other women are not your enemies,but in case if they were discarded that is also your future.

[@lindajandura9656]

I could have written this. Ditto

[@frenchfry14595]

My mother is a mid-range narc. I didn't know that until now. I was really, really confused about how inconsistently she behaved selfishly and in a controlling way. Now I understand. Thanks!

[@cstran3]

I just learned this as well. I didn't know there was a mid range.

[@kre8unity]

Same here. 🙏🙏🙏 Dr. Ramai. Very enlightening video

[@tashasmith2245]

My mom too.

[@lilvenuslyrics]

As a teenager, I also believe I’m a mid-range narcissist :(

[@irb378]

Yes! This is my soon to be ex husband. It was so confusing. Even in the healing process after leaving I think back and question my leaving because there were good days, but I knew that something was wrong and couldn’t put my finger on it until I found the term Narcissist and started doing an immense amount of research. This video is spot on for my husband. Thank you!

[@selfloveforever2360]

I knew something wasn’t quite right also. It wasn’t until we finally split I started to google and found a lot of information on narcissist and thought OMG that’s him to a T finally realised what I had been living with 😢

[@lizr.2561]

This is 100% right on. It’s been 3 yrs since I walked away. I thought I made the right decision, but sometimes I miss the good times interspersed throughout. The snarky comments, subtle put downs, eye rolling, lies, manipulation touch of sociopathy would make anyone run for the hills, but I miss the times it was good. It’s tough and probably the most difficult and heartbreaking relationship I’ll ever have.

[@Radamirs]

Because you are not self sufficient yet.

[@mikelpradet6670]

@@Radamirs nobody is 100% self sufficient though

[@snowredsnow666]

I feel you 🖤🥺

[@donnafoxdavis3215]

Yep. Enough good days to keep you in but enough bad days to affect your health and to keep you confused.

[@ardent9422]

My mother is like this, she say things such as "I always made sure as a child that you had a voice" yet I remember being told "you're too dramatic" or "you're too sensitive" or when I asked about a problem with something or someone at school "I don't know" or "why don't you pray to God about it." Totally callous and dismissive. My father has a brother who's mentally ill, he's almost 60 years old and has never had a job, when my mother wanted to shame me into line she would compare me to him: "you know, the way you're behaving right now reminds me of uncle X" or "if you don't stop acting like this you're going to end up like Uncle X." Recently my grandmother compared me to Uncle X and my mother told me about it, I told her she does the same thing she said "What?!? I never do that, I've never done that to you! Something is wrong with your memory!" I taught my mother about narcissism because her mother is a narcissist, my mother then turned around and accused me of being a narcissist in order to hurt me, when I was reluctant to comply with one of her demands. My mother sabotages my independence, makes me dependant on her, and then complains about my lack of independence.

[@carolhicks6796]

My mothers brother is like that uncle you spoke of. I was groomed for the position of the new uncle x in my family. I now understand how he turned out like that.

[@diannalamantia1702]

Break away. Do it quietly and swiftly. Share nothing until you are physically away. Watch this channel in all of your spare time. Get out and start your life. Mom will be just fine.

[@mrb4761]

I had to read your last few sentences repeatedly because I thought I wrote them even though they are obviously under your name

[@mrb4761]

@@diannalamantia1702 Not everyone can break away immediately from narcissistic family; some of us end up caregiving for them because certainly nobody else in extended family wants that burden. I wish people would be be a little more circumspect about reflexively offering that "Leave them immediately!" advice. Not everyone is in a position to do that.

[@jimmyjoebob1954]

Time to put your mental health front and center. You cannot change anyone like that. She loathes you for being dependent, and fears your independence. Either way, it is ALWAYS about her. Get out, now, Be prepared for the worst guilt trip of all time, though. Grey rock is your friend.

[@sharonobrien3196]

A year after leaving a mid range narcissist I realize how much of my emotional energy I was using to keep my head above water. You totally nailed the description. Some people get it, some people don’t but it’s really my decision alone. It is a hard journey but I often feel free and happy. I am much more discerning about relationships with friends and authenticity is my new mantra. Peace and happiness to everyone living with or recovering from this ultimate mind trap. Thank you for your validation .

[@poison_plays]

I’ve recently admitted to myself that my relationship with my ex is why I’m exhausted all the time. I need to make her move out. I just fear the inevitable threats of self-harm, which I know from past experiences she will threaten me with if I tell her she can’t live with me anymore. (The first time, I wasn’t even trying to break up with her, just save our relationship by taking space from each other for a while. She told me we should break up and kill ourselves instead. She still won’t admit that was at minimum a suicide threat.) She also has no income and is making no effort to get on any form of assistance or look for work. So she threatens to go homeless and intentionally get into situations where she’ll get hurt if she can’t stay with me. I’m working my way up to taking the step of telling her I don’t care anymore. And trying to cultivate real indifference so her threats won’t work this time, like they have before. I’m tired of be exhausted and scared all the time. I’m tired of feeling unsafe at home. I deeply admire you for getting out. I hope you’re doing well. Thank you for sharing your comment here. You’ve given me hope I can do the same.

[@nancyzehr3679]

My family supported my ex thru our divorce. They say hes a 'Great Guy'! He would never do that! Why, I ask, would I divorce a Great Guy?

[@TYGZus777]

It's unbelievable how they can snow your own family. Then you try to get out from their abuse, but loose your beloved family in the process. In my opinion, that's a huge part of the damage they inflict.

[@betsy3075]

OMG, this is exactly what I have gone through. I’m sure there’s been a smear campaign...

[@yukio_saito]

My ex-friend is so charming on the surface so no one understands why such a nice guy divorced twice. But I went no contact with him because he often disrespected my boundaries and his first spouse ran away from home.

[@jenniferdavis3483]

“ Please stop blaming yourself”… There is so much kindness, understanding, healing and freedom in that one comment alone. Wow. Thank you!!

[@Sassan91]

This video is so on point. My father's narcissism has damaged my mental health in various ways but his occasional empathy and doing the right thing keeps me in a guilt trap of not abandoning him. The struggle is soul crushing. These videos are a divine gift.

[@mikelpradet6670]

same here i feel so confused right now

[@hourglass819]

Same

[@runfaster8833]

Yes!!! This is EXACTLY what I’m experiencing, and now I know why I’m so confused most of the time! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[@amandamartin5681]

Same !! Good luck ! ♥️

[@wildhorses6817]

It only gets worse over time.

[@h2odoglover108]

Incredible insight into the truth of living with a Jekyll & Hyde. Thank you for sharing this.

[@juliepatchouli3944]

This is the first time I have heard my ex described so accurately. This is him. I got off the roller coaster because even though I loved him I just couldn’t do it anymore. I still love him, but I will never go back to him, beside he started dating two weeks after we split up. I protected him from people really knowing the truth of what happened behind closed doors, everyone loved him outside of the house anyway, no one would have believed me, I would have been labeled the crazy person. He’s not my problem anymore!

[@ironDsteele]

They are not less evil just because they fool people though operation of a facade.

[@ericgavidia291]

PLEASE do a series on divorcing and having to co-parent with narcs. There a millions of families suffering in family courts globally because we and the courts don't know what they are dealing with. Thank you.

[@jeffreypollan308]

This really fills in a big piece of the puzzle regarding my spouse and some family members. I could see narcissistic traits, but would ask myself whether they were really narcissists, since they weren’t devoid of empathy. In my wife’s case, I can see the rage, invalidation, and lack of empathy towards me. To others, she appears to be a kind, caring, friendly person. As a side note, she sees me watching videos like this with my headphones on, and complains that I have joined some kind of cult where the person in the video is ‘preaching’ to me.

[@wildhorses6817]

They want to maintain total control.

[@snowbird7377]

Anyone who calls this a cult is a sad and broken child grasping at straws to control what they know calls them out. Don’t waste your energy calling them out yourself. It and they are worthless.

[@marytakon]

She's scared 🤣🤣 I remember when a narc friend heard me listening to Dr. Ramani. He was sooo uncomfortable, I had to turn it off. He kept saying "rubbish, trash, nonsense". I knew it was because she got him 💯

[@infinitemoment]

Yeah, I see this kind of behavior as a spectrum. My ex could see it in his Dad, but was not willing to acknowledge those behaviors in himself. He liked Les Carter and Dr Ramani at first, when I had asked him if he recognized any of what they talk about in his relationship with his Dad. Really I was hoping he would see the covert narcissistic behaviors in himself and be able to externalize that behavior and apply himself to new ways of being with other people. I did not tell him about this, just hoped he might develop some insight given how his Dad's behavior affected him. Well, he started getting mad at me for (occasionally) continuing to watch their videos, and he started acting out more frequently, lying, trying to provoke arguments, making weird accusations and so on. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I could've put up with it, but he was talking about killing people and he was acting violent, so the situation was not safe for our child.

[@TheBjabeytalial]

Tell her " yes and I drank the Kool aid"....

[@sereene_cares3858]

I realized that I'm dealing and raised by mid-range narcissists and I was surrounded by lots of enablers too. Growing up was terribly difficult, terrifying, confusing, and excruciating. Indeed, mid range narcissists are very destructive. It made me not know that I exist.

[@thelittleetherealghost]

Oh it’s ridiculous, no one believes that my “Angel” of a mother is actually a nasty mid range narcissist. My brother and father are completely oblivious enablers and try to blame her behavior on me (which she carefully calculates). It’s like she competes with me!! I have no clue why. I know she gets her sick supply kicks from knowing just how to push my buttons and get reactions from me. She’s so sneaky with things. I can’t stand living with her anymore- doing everything I can to get out.

[@TheBaumcm]

Seems like they have an empathy budget and they’re only willing to spend it strategically, when they get something for it. Once I saw the patterns, I couldn’t unsee them, like a magic trick where you cannot ever see the illusion again.

[@yaff1851]

I literally was grateful when my family finally did something so bad that it justified no contact.

[@suras8984]

Yea I feel you. I love my narc dad but its just so much more peaceful without him.

[@melissamcdonald7214]

@@suras8984 Same here! I have a narc dad. I love him, but I dislike him and feel glad I don't live with him anymore.

[@user-is7xs1mr9y]

@@suras8984 I feel so much guilt because my narc mom has terminal breast cancer and I feel relieved I won't have to put up with her for much longer. I love her, but no one has hurt me as much as her.

[@suras8984]

@@user-is7xs1mr9y It's ok to let go of that guilt. You are justified to feel how you feel. I think it just feels wrong to feel certain ways because you can hear how other people die without their parents because the bond in so strong and so when you would feel the opposite in their passing you feel like you sound like a horrible person. But many people do not understand the anguish that comes from having a narc parent.

[@Wildevis]

Been there, done that but walked out eventually. The hardest part was stopping to blame myself, stopping to wonder what I did wrong or what is it about me that attracts these idiots. But your videos has helped a lot towards understanding myself and these toxic people and to spot the red flags very quickly and make a get-away

[@shelley7975]

Bingo! I dodge a bullet recently thanks to these kinds of videos. :)

[@larswhitt1549]

Yup, keept makeing excuses for her, excuse the bad days, the horrible situation she had to endure, her past life etc etc.. But then i saw Dr. Ramani descripe pur relationship, as she had opserved us the last years and somehow all my confused thought was blown away, and i saw it so damn clear i almost cried out of sheer shock. How could i have put my self into this situation. I am now free the last 2 months and nothing will bring me back in this kind of situation. I know who they are now, and i know, most important of all, why i am drawn to them. And that i can use for the rest of my life.

[@LiveHappy76]

Good for you all! I saw someone comment, from the famous T-shirt slogan, "Been there...dumped that!" I've gotta find a shirt with this or get one made up...lol :)

[@Hell...FireIsReal]

🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

[@karenzilverberg4699]

When someone makes themselves difficult to be around then something, one way or the other, needs to be done. Abuse is abuse, be it at home or in other places. It is unacceptable all of the time. Also, society does not need more unconcerned therapists who don't really want to be bothered because they don't like the category in the DSM5; therefore, becoming another enabler.

[@wildhorses6817]

Absolutely

[@erinlawton523]

Hi all. Why oh Why is this Beautiful Clarification not Splashed Everywhere.. so we can learn & teach it to our daughters. My first Comment here... Ever on Any sites. Thank you Dr Ramani. This has been my life for nearly 40 yrs. The past 10 months the worst. I've struggled every day in this period with confusion over whether he is N or not. How stupid & ignorant. Seeing this today helped me to understand it. He was triggered by my support of my sister (for 4.5 months) who had brain tumour (massive, and rare, and surgery, comas, Radium therapy). Being 2.5hrs drive away left him at our property feeding animals. He could have visited each week but chose not to. I came home for a few days every week. From here more Learning, Healing & Preparations. There will be more invalidation & and Discard... always is. I love my sister beyond words & I this V. Rare type of cancer will return, as we've been told by each team. I want Time with her & and noonger care about the manipulation of going to see her each fortnight. I also know know that when cancer comes back I won't see better support from him. That breaks my heart too. Everyone's stories are So real. Love to you all xo

[@lorytravels]

Thank you for discussing this midrange narcissistic person. What really nailed it for me as to what I'm dealing with in my marriage is the rage over the slightest perceived slight and the complete lack of empathy, rarely an apology, no guilt (where I felt guilty and on eggshells all the time). I've chosen to stay because it would be too disruptive to my and my child's life to do anything different. Setting boundaries, detachment, self care, and just knowledge thanks to these videos has been the source of staying sane in this situation. Peace everyone.

[@s.stevens4520]

You’re not helping your child by keeping them in this environment. They’re getting to see what an unhappy marriage looks like.

[@ricokaboom1129]

Same here. For the first 10 years I thought it was just me. He would grab my chin and say if you don't stop fighting with me I'll leave and then turn around and say I made him feel insecure about the relationship. Weird, right?

[@ricokaboom1129]

@@s.stevens4520 well then what to do? Go complete doormat?

[@Lailat854]

Five weeks ago, I would say go. Cause I was on my way out. But as I healed with therapy I reached a level where I don’t care about him. He is not important to me other that he is the father of my kids. For a while I hade rage and hate - cause I didn’t know about narcissism and that he was a midrange narcissist! When I understood last year after 30 years - boy it was hard.

[@Lailat854]

What I want to say is: It is ok to stay. I understand you - just heal while doing that! Once you are healed you will just take all the “weapons” away from him - he will not be able to hurt you no matter what he does. And please please - get economically independent if you can! Best of luck

[@TylerLarson]

If only this video had been available 2 years ago. I spent AGES confused, thinking I was making this up.. trying to piece together an understanding that this concept might exist for real. And here it is. THANK YOU for showing me that my life really happened!

[@anniegirlmurphy9321]

I tried pointing our narcissistic behavior in general to someone and their response was to point the light at me. I was holding narcs accountable in a general sense, not mentioning any names, and this person got defensive and deflected. I knew at that point it was a lost cause. I won’t stop trying to warn people but I will have to stop using the word narcissist. Unfortunately, unless someone has experienced it, narc abuse is beyond people’s ability to grasp and understand and empathize. They really just do NOT get it. The level of mind fuckery is beyond description so victims or survivors are viewed as weak or unstable.

[@ScentualBeauty]

I stopped labeling the "narc" and started using the term "emotional abuse" to describe the behavior. It provokes curiosity with some people and they are willing to learn more. If they appear inquisitive I explain the difference between verbal abuse and emotional abuse. Some still don't get it, but at least I planted a seed that they may seek out more information at a later time or help someone else.

[@bloodstripeleatherneck1941]

@@ScentualBeauty Good idea. I use the term, "abusive bully" when what I more accurately would mean to say is, "narcissist".

[@diannalamantia1702]

Mind f-ery ! Hahahahaha! 🤣

[@Langolin1998]

You nailed it! I’ve been in the same boat. You can’t explain it. You have to name specific bad behaviors, not the narcissistic term, and still….some people look at you like you’re the one with issues….making mountains out of mole hills. They don’t get that this is an every day occurrence with these people! Not sporadic events that we’re over exaggerating. These are crazy people! No more! I’ve learned, I’ve left, I’ve moved on.

[@Arya-cf7vu]

I'm in favour of calling it emotional abuse and now also use 'controlling relationships' which is easier to talk about

[@kristinisenberg4753]

You just described him perfectly...most of our friends don't see it but those very close to him do, which is very few of course. 😞

[@freewoman]

Luckily, I have one person who knows he is a narcissist. I revealed it to her and she has been my rock and my person because she understands what I am going through. If I didn't have her, I think I would go crazy.

[@kristinisenberg4753]

@@freewoman We are no longer together. I just had had enough with being verbally and emotionally abused. 50% happy, 50% miserable was no longer acceptable for me. It became impossible to reconcile how he treated me vs almost everyone else on a trip back to our home town which theoretically should have been an amazing time for us.

[@martasaurilopez2885]

@@kristinisenberg4753 this is exactly my experience! Including the hell he put me through during a trip to his hometown. Which is when I escaped. Literally escaped, after 10 days of the worst verbal abuse I could ever imagine.

[@thomashennessy3585]

Yes - severe anger and malcontent are followed as soon as 10 minutes later by serenity and discussions of future plans. This threw me through a loop for years. Now that I’m wise - she’s manageable - but the emotional roller coaster is so damn tedious. I have to completely avoid subjects that set her off in order to pacify her. And when she’s lost the plot, she soothes herself by counseling me about my behavior. We’re approaching a crossroad - if the rage stops we can take the same fork - but if not, I’m claiming privacy and tranquility. Your videos have been invaluable - understanding her patterns have reacquainted me with my sanity. I’ve watched several with our (15-21 y.o.) children. We’re now able to side-step her rage by observing her patterns and triggers.

[@livingalife6957]

"Preapare for the Rollercoasters ". Brings tears to my eyes. I have been on a Rollercoasters for almost 20 years. Filing for a divorce.

[@vikkinusser9307]

This was EXACTLY my marriage. Thank you for your wisdom. I don't know how I would've made it without you!

[@kristingloomis2533]

Yeah I'm currently in this situation. I had no idea what the heck I got myself into. We have 3 kids....this is ROUGH

[@vikkinusser9307]

@@kristingloomis2533 I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how much harder it is with kids

[@kristingloomis2533]

@@vikkinusser9307 yeah unfortunately it's hard. Because now he's playing the nice guy card. My guard is up.... this is a pattern it will last a few days...then there will be someone or something that happens and then all the hell breaks loose. So. My therapist and I have came up with a safety plan, my mom is involved as well... and we are in couples therapy....I feel I mentally checked out 😔

[@vikkinusser9307]

@@kristingloomis2533 glad to hear you've got a plan in place!

[@5EmBem]

I told my best friend about her narc partner and she doesn't see it. Her sister and me who have both been in narcissistic relationships and can see it have told her, I've forwarded some information which she resonates with but still doesn't think her partner is a narcissist. It's very sad. All we can do is be there until she sees it for herself 😢

[@Me-xoxoz]

That’s my sister for me.She can’t see my mother for what exactly she is .My sister is coping all the narc abuse from my mother .l have sent videos but she never acknowledges it.So now when she vents about my mother l just talk like we are both on board that my mother is a narc.l have told my self if she is going to stay in denial she will stop venting to me.For now l just talk to my sister like she has acknowledged what she is dealing with a narcissistic person ,so it’s up to her to change.l told her your tipping point will come.

[@ingridchristensen9523]

Great point. The blame shift and the silence treatment are classic rolls they play.

[@joparkes5472]

Was 100% married to one...yes can never educate anyone about the narcissist, it always backfires. A very lonely confusing journey.

[@justmejojo]

You described my soon to be ex husband except he was a serial cheater and discarded me multiple times

[@lillylebrooks5263]

This is it ‼️ It was my Mother. I have been trying to understand the relationship I had with her. I am now 75 years old and am still looking for friends who are like this. It feels normal to me. Great video and very helpful to me.

[@laurengarrett9005]

This makes sense and describes more closely with what I'm dealing with. I get that good day every so often. He will be generous and we just get along. I just figure he is in a good mood. But it always flips back to anger and criticism.

[@cairosilver2932]

I think sometimes they wait until you trust them and then at that very moment they flip - it's an odd process

[@neveamos7852]

This describes my relationship to my husband exactly. I spent years blaming myself - even was in therapy for MANY years thinking it was me and my therapist was clueless. I am just now figuring out what these dynamics are all about after so many years of marriage and so many years of therapy that went no where - it was actually more damaging to me than helpful. I am learning techniques that help to stop the gaslighting and nasty comments to a minimum, but they are always there. Thankfully, I now recognize these things for what they are and am working on not taking it personally. I know there are good therapists out there, so I am not trying to discourage anyone from seeking help. Just do your homework on who you pick to do the work with and if you are uncomfortable in any way, stop the therapy and go elsewhere.

[@MayBlake_Channel]

You might want to consider the podcast Betrayal Trauma Recovery. I feel like they have a lot of sympathy not just for women who choose to leave narcissistic relationships but a lot of support and advice for how to handle things if you choose to stay married. Just something I thought I'd throw out there in case it happened to help

[@abowling5759]

Same here. I know exactly what you’re talking about.

[@kakestuff4267]

Dr. Ramani can you please dig a bit deeper into how these midrange narcissists impact young children? This video, after spending years now researching and educating myself has confirmed what I already knew about my spouse. Your brief description on how they can be good parents sometimes and others bad, or neglectful is spot on, but I'd really love your perspective on how their behavior may impact young children and as they grow into teens and adulthood. Thank you

[@jillcummings8810]

The happy empathy experience is only when he’s looking for an evening of sex. Easy to spot. He listens intently, (not common) he seems concerned on any health issues or may want to help with jobs around the home and on and on…… Thank you so much for speaking on this topic! I’ve learned so much in the last 5 years but rarely hear about the mid-range narcissist. Feels so good to be validated.

[@guhlfriend]

I have a flip-side experience of this around sex as well. If we are intimate early in the day, he tends to open up and share more freely and deeply with me than usual. But then, maybe an hour or more later, now that he's gotten what he wanted, all bets are off for his behavior for the rest of the day. The slightest cause for disagreement can send him into a rage, and he will abandon any communication. It could be hours of silent treatment, or even days on end. As I write this, it has been 5 days without a word. It's been very helpful to find sanity and perspective through this channel.

[@ELLowe-os7wy]

I've been listening to Dr R for a year + and this is the video I've been waiting for. THANK YOU. The anguish of this type of partner is so lonely.

[@abowling5759]

Very lonely 😞

[@swouldifshecould]

Yes. So so lonely

[@egalante987]

🤗

[@sevit.1077]

“Happy empathy coincidences”… He was crying when he was talking about the love bond between the characters of the movie The Notebook. Too bad for both of us that he wasn’t equipped to feel such deep love. I had loved him dearly for 17 years against of all the confusion and heartbreak. Thanks to my 2-3 very close friends and Dr Ramani’s educational and humane videos, I broke free from my gaslighted self and embraced radical acceptance. I am going through a painful divorce but I no longer have euphoric recalls. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your invaluable public service. The more of us are educated the better chances we have to pass the knowledge and a helping hand on to other victims and survivors.

[@abowling5759]

Happy for you!😊

[@stephanietorres350]

Mines also told me his only romance movie is the notebookm.

[@caobita]

Congrats on breaking free! I wish you all the best for your future 👏🍀

[@1girl2drumsticks92]

Funny - I've heard the Notebook reference more than once, and the "I want this type of relationship with all the remember-when' moments"

[@MMVVK]

This is what I was struggling with for years… then one day he was physically violent with me while I was holding our 1yr old… that was the last straw. The fog lifted instantly in that moment and I suddenly could see my life for what it really was. I am happily divorced now. I will never expect to get closure from him so these videos have been so helpful to give me the clarification I need. Thank you for your great work Dr. Ramini.

[@steggopotamus]

Yes! All the little interactions finally make sense!

[@lacypatterson5984]

I LOVE YOU!!!! You are a SAVIOR! YOU SAVED ME AND NY 3 kids lives !!!!! I owe you my life!!🙏🏼😇😍 God bless you Ramani I love you!

[@Michibella-art]

🔥🔥🔥🔥 Wow almost all the narcissistic people I’ve seen are in this category.

[@bhsimonson]

She definitely had enough insight to know when she was being the jerk. That’s what kept me hanging on. But still there was arrogance, control issues, emotion dysregulation, sensitive to criticism, etc. I am done walking on eggshells and being in a chronic state of anxiety.

[@lynettecamarillo]

Can narcissistic behaviors rub off on someone else? I feel like being married for 8 years to a mid range narcissistic and I’ve picked up some bad habits. Almost like I had to mirror his behavior so I could cope. Now that I’m out, I feel like I’m detoxing and finding myself.

[@rustyjeep2469]

I think I've noticed the same thing after dating someone narcissistic long term....

[@Amethyst12thheaven]

Yes!! Their behavior CAN rub off on you! Be careful! I would like to point you to Dr Sam Vaknin! He has a video on this very thing! Take care of yourself…you ARE detoxing.. take at least 6 months or more for yourself to heal.

[@danakodermac4663]

Yes! Dr. Ramani did a video about this. And yes, I've noticed this too, not just with myself, but also other people. Glad you're out of it, I'm sure you'll be able to shake off those bad habits!

[@Max_G43]

You can change .. he can’t

[@80islandia]

Check out Dr. Ramani’s video “Beware of catching narcissism from a narcissist.” But don’t fear! A lot of us have discussed the same concerns and this is a normal process to go through. As long as you stay aware, over time you will move back to the core of who you really are and maybe pick up some empathic superpowers along the way :)

[@leanneb9111]

Really helpful Dr Ramani. "enough good days to confuse you" is really the trap isn't it? Thank you as always. I look forward to every single video.

[@SpazztikTwitch]

This is my father. I was able to get out, thank the gods. But my mom and disabled younger brother are still stuck there with him. And it makes me SICK and quite rageful, knowing what they're dealing with, and knowing that there's nothing i can do and that he will NEVER change. It just breaks my heart...💔

[@user-hp4xt3vm7p]

You are so so so right about people who cannot understand when we mention narcissism and manipulation. Only those who have experienced may relate to what truly happened...its exhausting not being able to seek help expcept going for counselling session. I am so so lucky that I spot him only a few months in and decided to leave.

[@pamdavidson8431]

This resonates so much with me, except, with therapy I learned all the accidental injuries I received over the years were not the accidents I believed them to be, but intentional abuse. I do wonder if this fits the mid-range narcissist

[@matilda1505]

💯 intentional ! They absolutely know what they are doing ! Gives them pleasure to see you hurt and broken.

[@wildhorses6817]

Yes, I received those injuries throughout the 30 years of marriage. Finally, he physically assaulted me and I searched and found he had been having an Affair , had placed ads and searched for women everyday online. He traveled out of the Country to meet her and she traveled here. I will never recover from the financial injuries either. These people are dangerous, unpredictable, dishonest and very calculating. They are great actors in front of police, attorneys and Courtrooms. OMG, how I wish I had divorced the first year not the 31st year.

[@wildhorses6817]

And, they will place you in situations to be harmed and then blame you and stab you in the Back instead of being the person who defends you. Get out quickly when you have doubts, they get much worse over time.

[@drat9957]

@@wildhorses6817 I left my marriage after 35 years, and i can attest to the long term damage narcs leave in their wake, and in their sense of entitlement, never give it a thought. May your new life be blessed!

[@carolnahigian9518]

what Wisdom and clarity!!

[@bradleysmith3963]

This makes so much sense, I’ve never looked at it as a low medium or high level narcissist, I’ve always tried explaining to people differences in detail and how some cheat and some don’t. Some are verbally abusive and some just use gestures and so on and so on. It truly amazes me how there is no end in what you can learn about this disorder

[@See_Life]

To me, the ''mid-range narcissist'' Doctor Ramani describes here is synonymous to ''covert narcissist'', they are exactly like this and it could take years for people to realize what's going on... because they can mimic and mirror so well, and they try to be nice once in a while, to keep you confused. Depending on their specific programming, they will show different signs of NPD, maybe ''mid-range'' could relate to the fact that they are not extreme, and seemingly - not overly abusive, but that is only the perception they give.

[@ddeuce1847]

@@See_Life So, is that "mid-range," or actually high end of the range, just being really good at hiding the obvious and manipulating you to stick around?

[@See_Life]

@@ddeuce1847 I would say 'no', because ''mid-range'' here assumes quite common case of people on the NPD spectrum who are not ultra highly intelligent and 'yes' - just because those narcs, imo seem to get away with really long relationships, until their partners wake up and break the spell (if they do). So, it's both, but I consider more critical factor to be not how high on the NPD scale they may be but rather how much they expose themselves in the process..., that I feel is much more significant for people to know about. It is why I think trying to label them strictly as mid-range or any other end of the range, is not so crucial, since those people may have mixture of all traits, resembling more on the covert side of it though, and they all are emotionally immature deep inside. For example, covert type can cry with you while watching emotional movie, or mimic/mirroring some normal emotional responses, but just like Doctor Ramani explains here - it is more of a happy coincidence of being in a good mood and showing some empathy - that can be very confusing for people. Also they may be angry but they are good at hiding it using passive-agressive behaviour or silent treatment. if you can clearly see who they are in a few weeks or 3-4 months, where they show their rage, etc. - they are not covert, even if they appear very considerate at first. Overt narcs expose who they are pretty soon and you don't get stuck with them for years (unless they are already in your family), but they can be more intense and/or agressive and cause a lot of trauma in a short period. To your question, some are better at manipuation because they are very smart and highly intelligent, those are dangerous narcs with sociopathy, or sometimes even psychopathic tendencies, they could be also black magicians and scary characters. They can keep making up new lies every time to keep drawing your energy. And also like teaming up with other people or creating 'groups'. I think these last ones are most maniuplative because they work energetically and you have to have good intuition to sense that and disconnect. Anyway, sorry for the long reply. I hope this helps.

[@_00ja55]

Well, dont you think, all of them kind do cheat? I am confused, if they dont cheat, is their behaviour acceptable? Whats ur personal view on it

[@ellenfoster9764]

I love this channel. Very helpful to hear it was not all my fault. I was actually told by 3 mental health professionals that my husband was a narcissist. I was shocked the first time, confused the second, and finally convinced the third. He blamed all our relationship problems on me, all of our kids problems on me. But guess what, now that I’m divorced, I am rapidly weaning off of my antidepressants and happier than I’ve been in decades. As my psychiatrist says, I was taking all the medication my husband needed.

[@lauratruthseekingWarrior]

This I think is my husband, because he does have empathy, but mostly for other people, not. So much for me.

[@Asiatic1]

After he beat me he would hold me and cry as he promised to never do it again. I believed him. I thought he just had anger issues and a rough childhood seeing his parents abuse drugs and eachother. I thought the tears were sincere. I still do. I’m so confused and hurt

[@dianabailey9757]

My mother could turn on the waterworks or pretend to give a rip, but it was temporary at best. What she did when no one could see and the spin my father would put on that had me confused for years! She would agree with my father to "do better" yet never was that quantified with clear, deliverable markers. Nothing ever changed. She just got better at not getting caught!

[@Antith3sis]

I'm in the exactly same position. This is the year where I put it all behind me and not look back. It's so confusing as to why I'm nervous and anxious about moving on, but I know it's for the best, and starting anew with my beautiful fiancée. Hope everyone has a great day, and an even greater life. Cheers.