Midweek with Dr. C- How Should You Respond To A Narcissist’s Lack Of Reason?

📣 Dr. Carter's new course, Anger Games, is live! 📣
Learn more about the course and register at: courses.surviv...
Listen to Dr. C’s NEW PODCAST at anchor.fm/dr-l...
Sign up for Dr. Carter's course launching on May 28th: Anger Games
courses.surviv...
Get 30% off when you order during our presale!
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
If you are interested in online therapy, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. As the need is there, please seek the help you deserve: betterhelp.com...
We receive commissions on referrals to BetterHelp. We only recommend services that we trust.
Join the Team Healthy community HERE: survivingnarci...
Check out videos, articles, quizzes, and more at our website: survivingnarci...
You can follow Surviving Narcissism on:
Twitter: @SNarcissism101
Instagram: @survivingnarcissism101
Facebook: @survivingnarcissism101
Dr. Carter has two other courses that you may find to be useful:
Free to Be: Reclaim & rediscover your uniqueness survivingnarci...
This Is Me: Setting boundaries with the controllers in your life survivingnarci...
Dr. Carter's personal website: drlescarter.com/
Dr. Carter's other KZbin channel: / drlescarter
Bookstore: survivingnarci...

[@michellehill718]

The ultimate superpower: I trust myself.✅

[@Lolcoca]

True ! The KEY !

[@ronaldmcdonald3965]

I learned a new phrase today: "psychological assault". I think this runs in my family, and I think my cousin's learned it from their parents. The pattern across multiple cousins: 1. Harsh overbearing open a. Loud, angry tone of voice b. Subject matter is an ambush; no hi or hello, they just launch into it in a one way manner. 2. It is almost laughable how they don't know what they are talking about a) They never took the time to even understand the most basics of what they are talking about b) It is quite stunning 3. Acting as if they are coming from a place of superiority 4. I disarm one of them by asking a factual question, and one backed down. 5. But I think I just need to stay away from them

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep learning!!

[@fieviolet6889]

Boundries help. My narcissistic family member doesn't psychologically assault me anymore.

[@ronaldmcdonald3965]

@@fieviolet6889 That is good advice. I have two perspectives. One is aligned with your boundaries suggestion. The second is that is is so exhausting engaging, and the aggressive tone of voice hard to deal with; but I was able to do so. One older cousin came up to me yelling at me where her Dad war medals were. As if I would know since her dad gave my dad the war medal probably 30- 40 years prior. Did the same thing at another family meeting, and I said I can replace them, which I did (I went through the Dept. of Defense and my Congressman.) But when I said I could replace them she just continued to yell at me saying that it can't be done. My strategy was not argue. Just solve the problem. So I gave her a replacement set, in a nice presentation frame. So she shut up. But the context was that my other cousins have a conceptually similar behavior. So I am breaking contact, and unfriended her on my Facebook page. The behavior is so ridiculous that it doesn't seem to be a good use of time to put myself in a abusive environment.

[@fieviolet6889]

@@ronaldmcdonald3965 If you're treated sufficiently unfairly i think it's okay to go no contact. You presented a replacement, and that's a considerate thing to do. I, and any normal empathic person, would've left it at that and be content. A part of your story I don't understand. Did the medals break somehow?

[@kdevinturner8778]

Sounds eerily similar to my non dearest departed mum. Narcs at their end are the worst.

[@koma4050]

Remember you have the right to walk away from abuse. You have the right to legal protection. You have the right to be happy and free from all forms of abuse.

[@Charmainecharmainecharmaine]

Yes. Absolutely.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It's both a right and a responsibility!

[@peggyerickson2549]

When I was verbally abused, was told I couldn't get legal/police help. Sure could've!

[@badomaji]

I'd have to lose my home (with little to no options out there to have a roof over my head) to escape the abuse of my small community's HOA and the paid abusers they support in their quest to 'get rich' by destroying others. Greed is good?

[@dewuknowHIM]

I just walked away from that EXACT thing ....a church I went to for 10 years.... Manipulation went on for that long...I just was hoping for better....but finally when the manipulation from the man who leads this cult....called me a lier to my face ...THAT DID IT !!!...It's been 7 months since I left...still trying to work through these 2 Women (behind the scenes) controlling the whole shebang..... 🤮🤢💔🤦

[@kdevinturner8778]

I mentioned due diligence once at her death bed and she blurted out "I hate that word" and told me I was too philosophical. Don't know where I would be without you Dr. C and Gus. Thanks much.

[@bereal6590]

My mother is fond of "nobody talks like that", "you think too much". The only reason I've had to think so much is because she doesn't think at all!

[@kdevinturner8778]

@@bereal6590 Aren't they sweet? The answer is absolutely not.

[@bereal6590]

@@kdevinturner8778 oh my mother can be as sweet as pie until she isn't. I think I hate that the most.

[@kdevinturner8778]

@@bereal6590 You good man. No big deal. Roll Tide.

[@bereal6590]

@@kdevinturner8778 ✌️

[@wendychavez5348]

I had one male friend--not a narcissist--who chose to emulate the example that I tried to set for him, and is now a successful artist in a prominent city. He lived in Hawaii for maybe 15 years after getting his Bachelor of Arts Fine Arts (BAFA), and now is repairing his relationship with his father and living in a beautiful home at the end of a cul de sac. When I met AG, sometime before this friend moved to Hawaii, I tried to provide an example for him, and to understand that he has a history too, and reasons for his actions that make sense to him, therefore I allowed myself to tolerate a lot of crap that simply violated my boundaries. I'm choosing my words carefully, trying to take responsibility for my role in this bad part of my life, though I now realize that he simply took advantage of my best intentions, and twisted them to his own selfish ends. By observing what I did right and wrong, I can choose to protect myself better in the future. I hope each of us on Team Healthy is able to figure out an appropriate way to protect ourselves, and I appreciate the support I feel from each of you!

[@cherylnathanodette]

Narcs do not rule, and I hope they never do. What a rotten world that would be. Let's stay healthy team. Cheers Dr. C

[@suelindsey2295]

I’ve been keeping a journal in case he tries to file for separation and blame me for a bad marriage and also it’s a stress release from the emotional abuse

[@dewuknowHIM]

I walked away from a church who manipulated me for 10 years...trying to work through it.....😢🤮🤢💔🤦

[@phyllisdevonish859]

I know the Feeling.. church people vs Christians or Friends

[@marysuzannajayne1340]

My answer to the narc husband is a question. So what do you have to offer? If the answer is anything but, truth, honor and forgiveness? I’m not buying it

[@kristahackleylmt2064]

Anyone can act out with those negative behaviors Dr. C mentioned.. no matter what their beliefs about life are. Principles, beliefs, morals, and values are so very important! Be sure you are in alignment with your companion.. before you get in to deep! I put God first and respect others beliefs.. and with 49 years of experience here on earth... I can say.. you are asking for a lot of trouble and problems connecting yourself intimately with someone with completely different principles about life than you. You can't change anyone but yourself. Be the example you want to see in the world and watch how life transforms.

[@t_nels]

We studied and learned together, it seemed we were in line. Now I am questioning where we learned what we learned and left wondering how it morphed so much.

[@Greenwings701]

Catching up on my Dr. C listening here on the weekend. So glad to be able to listen in! Thanks for being here! I do wonder how people who are religious square the message of their religion with healthy mind practices. It can readily serve to feed the narc a steady source of effective supply.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad this Q and A time resonated!

[@b8akaratn]

16:56 😮 y'know, Narcspouse was into graphic design in high school, and later went into small press publishing. He was good at both because imagery and spin was what he used for crafting all his personae. // 23:15 Narcspouse grew depressed whenever he started feeling irrelevant in his circle; when they get mopey, or they start pining over someone else getting attention, one of 2 things may happen: A) enjoy the quiet as they lick their wounded ego or go bounding outward in pursuit of other supply, or B) you have to bandage their wounds by fluffing & inflating their ego back (to them abusing you again, which may feel more normal--but still is bad for you)

[@smustipher]

I do not respond - I spent my childhood captive to the narc parents deameaning, foolish, and LIFE THREATHING behaivours/life choices- inclusive of being in car wrecks due to them driving while under the influence, being left unattended in public places waiting to be picked up after school, orr sent unattended as a minor (under age 12) on 4 + hour bus rides because they couldn't be bothered to pick me up after months long "visits" to grandma's house, and other things I will not mention here. In my mid 40's and just seeing how BAD it was to treat a child this way. He used Bible talk about "forgiveness" all the time, which was just way of saying: "God says that I am ok". after some attempts to communicate with them, it is apparant that they DO NOT CARE. The have to "win". Well, I am throwing in the towel and saving myself.

[@t_nels]

Exactly, a man must have some duties to at least preserve his family. Reckless behavior can't be submitted to.

[@kristahackleylmt2064]

The Godless .. atheist people in my life have been the most abusive. In fact, criminal behavior. 😢 Everyone in time will figure out the truth. I'm here to lift people up and inspire.. I'm living the dreams I've had in my heart and mind since being a young child. That's all I can do, lean into the fear and let my maker take charge. I hope everyone takes 1 step closer to their dreams today! 🌞

[@LucyFre]

You'll never take them to the table to talk , trying solve problem. There is always impulsivity, or stonewalling instead.

[@fred.k9875]

Dr.C if you remember when I first started listening to you, I questioned that is it possible that narcissism started from garden of Eden independent of Eric Fromm I guess since then I have been on the right path not to brag about it.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It's called learning! You are such an inspiration. BTW, I see the Eden story (as does Fromm) as a seminal allegory about the human condition. It highlights our five primary emotional struggles...pride, fear, loneliness, inferiority, and anger.

[@cleaningtim]

Dr. Carter...is there a way to contribute to your website to help keep your videos coming to all of us? I value you and your input and videos. They have helped me tremendously to see the situation I have been dealing with. I want to help pay/contribute to you for your time. I know posting these videos does not come free, and I want you to continue to stay around for all of us suffering from narcissism. Also, thank you for addressing the religious aspect of narcissism. I believe in God, but I don't believe he put anyone here in this world to be walked all over by another. Over the years I allowed myself to be walked all over because of religion. I have taken a different point of view of that lately. I treat others as I want to be treated until they give me reason not to. There comes a point where we have to stand up and claim our right to exist with dignity and respect! Thank you so much for you and your videos!

[@MeanEileen916]

Thanks!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you.

[@overit16]

My mother favorite one is : The Bible says you should honor your mother and father" that is the only commandment she believe in.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's the cherry picking I mentioned.

[@Charmainecharmainecharmaine]

Yep. They abuse their own family and children and use that scripture for control. The Bible also says never to provoke a child to wrath. It also says lots of other things. We honor abusive parents by not enabling their mistreatment. They will never get it. It is what it is.

[@aaronkwolfe]

Eph 6:4 tells fathers to not exasperate their children.

[@t_nels]

They destroy their faith

[@ricalina4371]

… and who reads the bible first? This commandment says in the first place that parent should behave honorably / worth honoring.

[@marysuzannajayne1340]

It’s never gonna happen. Not really.

[@MBDaltx]

??? --I have a narcissistic, controlling, parent. (I'm WELL into adulthood!!). Sometimes I feel so incredibly sad for my narcissist, and then will not stop a rant (usually about others that I love) that makes me uncomfortable. Later, I feel bad that I sat through it and gave silent affirmation to these repeated tirades. **And yes, I know this person does this about me to the ones she's ranting to me about! HA!! What do we do with the compassion or sadness for them? And do you think it's this--or just fear!--that keeps me from stopping these rants? (I honestly don't know of anything else to talk with this person about!! lol!)

[@fred.k9875]

🙏

[@lyne4570]

Hey Dr C! Is it ever ok to tell a narc that he is a narc? Does it depend on how far on the spectrum he/she is??

[@kandyturner5753]

Submission to your husband comes from a womans position of love & respect not from a me man you woman small mind frame **Hi Dr C ..im new to your videos..most helpful**

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks! Glad to be on the path with you.

[@darinsmith2458]

1. Religion... I have so many instances from different people that tried to manipulate me with religion.. I even took a Bible Study with my pastor and a few people.. Just because my King James Bible said something different than whatever their bible's said does not mean that I am wrong..

[@darinsmith2458]

2. Psychological Assault.. It sounds like head games but I am under attack.. I have to at least admit to myself that is what is happening..

[@darinsmith2458]

3. Why do I keep going back?.. This is a question that I keep asking myself.. These videos help me recognize the traits which are the red flags.. The sooner I can recognize them then I can do something different.. That is part of it then the other part is Why do I avoid non-narcissistic people? Those questions go hand in hand for me..

[@darinsmith2458]

4. I was only joking.. I get that a lot and that is a HUGE red flag.. I don't say ignore or stuff or numb feelings.. I feel the feelings.. They are intended to hurt..

[@darinsmith2458]

5. Siblings.. I had to compete with my siblings for food.. I don't see that changing.. Everything was based on competition..

[@darinsmith2458]

6. Borderline Personality.. I have watched some videos on that.. My thing is that I need to find out what unhealthy behaviors are and then I need to learn how to protect myself from that.. This is a little bit different but when it comes to Gossip, I can see how me not gossiping about others could be good but my focus really needs to be on when others Gossip about me.. I think it goes back to that other question about psychological assault..

[@snowbear1877]

When I've made fun of the narcissist to give them a bit of their own medicine (big mistake), they've gone absolutely ballistic!

[@ronaldmcdonald3965]

Not surprising. That is why I go no-contact.

[@AftreGaol]

I've run into a few who handled my goofiness like Ive handled some of their goofiness. I unfortunately burned a few bridges along the way by treating some folks the way they treated me.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I call it the Ranty Tanty 🙄

[@cherylnathanodette]

Ooh that sounds painful

[@Adycakes70]

I’ve done this too! Healed so much now it makes me laugh! I post about Narcissism and he gets into a right hissy fit! 😂

[@KathieMihindukulasuriya]

My mother was bullied by one of her brothers. I remember my father taking the phone from her when she was standing still in shock listening to him rage and telling him, "No one talks to my wife that way", then hanging up on him. When I was little, my mother used to say to me, "You are your father's daughter, inside and out." Although she usually said that when I was frustrating her, I have always been a person who cannot stand idly by when I see someone mistreated - even if intervening brings unwanted consequences. I am glad I learned that from my father. I know it does no good to call abusive people out, but it certainly helps to stand up for the abused, even just by excusing yourself when they are trashing someone or "joking" about them in a cruel way and letting those they attack know you see them, not the image of them their abuser is trying to portray.

[@theosilva7188]

Seeing boundaries and definitely walking away from them dangerous people They can attach. They are stoking you, etc. Be saved there's a life at the end of the tunnel. 😊

[@heidistanton4583]

Dr.C hearing your voice of reason is is like a light house in a dark storm. Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased!

[@snowbear1877]

I've certainly experienced psychological assault. I know what it feels like and can sympathize with anyone who has been through it.

[@BaraSchmidt]

When everything within you is screaming: "This isnt right! Its NOT OK!" "This is isane!!" BELIEVE YOURSELF! Just like when THEY show and tell you who THEY ARE, on repeat, BELIEVE THEM!! What advice would you offer a coworker, friend, family member who asked "How do I respond?" That's Right! Keep mum, (maybe "grey" or "yellow" if you still have it in ya!). And keep it moving! We have a place saved for ya on TH! We've left the light on! Dr C and TH!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Well said 👏🏽

[@badomaji]

@@rwdchannel2901They are all over the place these days - like it's become a fad to be an abuser!

[@ourcollectiveinsanity]

Thank you so much for working diligently to make this world a better place Dr. Les.

[@DEAN_23]

Easy Answer: By not reasoning with them! 🏃👋

[@kdevinturner8778]

Playing their games you can never win are games you should not ever want to play again. Ugly.

[@Tajjygirl]

Thanks for those introductory remarks to us regulars. You make a difference! You have and continue to help guide me, as a recovering people pleaser, through this thing called Life. Thank you for sharing with us. Lots of love, M

[@ro7547]

How about, “Husbands, love your wives as you love yourself”?

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's another one!

[@aaronkwolfe]

… and “love your wife as Christ loved the church.” I.e. dying on behalf of. This isn’t shallow stuff.

[@t_nels]

@ro7547 Maybe that is the problem, they must not love themselves.

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@t_nels I still had to pass the groomed “pursuer” test before marriage.

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@t_nels I thought that’s what you meant by your last phrase in previous comment.

[@constancebarrett1398]

Dr C your are spot on!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks.

[@freedomforusa1658]

I feel bad for the people struggling under a dictatory for decades and generations only to find the way to be free is to flee or death. 😢

[@twovirginiacats3753]

There is a 3rd way. For example, when they demand you quit your job, just agree with them. Then don't do it. If they fly into a rage if they know you are going to an aerobics class or church, then tell them you are going to the grocery store instead.

[@Charmainecharmainecharmaine]

Me too 😢

[@t_nels]

Or asking yourself if they really feel so desperate (or is it a game) and really believe you are their extension to do with as they please.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Nice shirt Doc 👍

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks., Amanda. It's new!

[@caroleminke6116]

With the help of this sterling channel I was able to implement most of the positive aspects pertaining to assertion & he just disappeared… best thing I ever said was I don’t trust you! No one is beating a path to your door… dead silence after that response & silence is truly golden

[@michellehill718]

Understanding narcissists invalidating the legitimacy of others. Indeed, Dr. C, Indeed! ✅

[@suzannewhitaker3507]

Narc planning to isolate his victim by going to a far island as a missionary: "The Lord told me to go there." Happily it became clear that he was out of his mind before they left town!

[@t_nels]

😧

[@t_nels]

I feel it's a game when my spouse asks me if I want to go somewhere secluded to live. I am just really started to live a less secluded life.

[@angiea8022]

I understand why people commit suicide.

[@lauracoussens6207]

Perhaps...to escape this crazy, ridiculous world? Or, forgetting the all beauty and love in the world. However, doing so can perpetuate the act in the family for generations. Natural birth...natural death. 2 COR 10:5.

[@twovirginiacats3753]

Same here! I also wonder how many people are sitting in prison (or worse) right now, because they murdered a narcissist.

[@almaburns6562]

​@@twovirginiacats3753 Some of 'em might consider it worth it.

[@Charmainecharmainecharmaine]

Me too. Best to get out and go no contact. Start praying, and eat healthy and drink lots of water . Very sorry for victims and survivors of domestic abuse

[@ReRe_642]

Not worth it why should your soul go to hell. Let God be in control sending there’s.

[@elainesmith5313]

The narcissist Non Sense is the opposite of of my Common Sense. I believe to the depts of my ❤ that showing kindness and love and compassion is a good way of life. The narcissist would always ask mr "WHY " I did these things? If it served him, he would show kindness with a hook on the end. They are to be pittyed, but not for long. I would rather live the way I do, and not allow the narcissist to set the stsndard for me. What you Reap you Will Sow. So very True ! Thank you Dt.C. and Thank you God for Dr.C. We All Love you and so appreciate you!❤❤

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

If someone tells you that you’re too sensitive - simply say “ thank you “ ( and say no more ) . In fact I say this to every attack. I’ve been told I’m judge mental & I respond “ I’m just being truthful “ ( and say no more ) . I definitely Never Defend insults !

[@zbyszeks3657]

Don't respond :)

[@Stolat79]

My response to “I was just joking” has been: “Jokes are half meant.”

[@MaybeLikeWater]

Mine are: 1. Jokes have punchlines. Or 2. Jokes are funny.

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

I have said the same thing.

[@h.almeida7601]

Dr. C, I love you and your work. Thank you so much - your message, your insights, even your tone of voice, your humor and your dog, it’s all been a very welcome and much needed oasis of health, sanity, perspective and positivity. I ended a relationship over two years ago who was a lovely person, but perhaps a bit emotionally immature on the inside which could lead to borderline demanding, micromanaging / controlling behavior, partly thru constant questions/suggestions; there was a persistent need for reassurance; she was often being insulted by my boundaries, even if it was just having both airpods in while I did dishes, she felt cut off and rejected by this; incessant talking, a couple of tantrum episodes including one major one where the age seemed regressed to that of a young child; a tendency to interrupt with her own excitement to speak, overriding whatever I was wanting to communicate; sullen moods because the relationship was not advancing the way she thought it should - it’s sad to write about for several reasons, a couple of which are despite all the above, she is warm and fun and gets excited about things - kind of like a kid who is over 50 - and secondly because I wanted her to have that relationship she sought so badly but there came a time when I asked my intuition what to do and it led me to initiate a breakup. Dr C maybe you hear a question in there. It might be about that area where its not straight up narcissism, but there is an immaturity and a few moves from the narcissistic playbook, but the person does have love and empathy, and the sadness after leaving someone like this.

[@ro7547]

Sadly, DRC to a narcissists means “Down Right Control”.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Even though I spell it out often!! Ugh.

[@ro7547]

@@SurvivingNarcissism I much prefer your version. Thank you!

[@elinope4745]

Don't make excuses or apologize for stuff I won't like if you don't want me doing likewise. Heck, I'll even use the excuses that you already have determined to be good enough to tell me.

[@Xkr00786]

The narcissists are mentally sick the one I know is a character like in a film called “needful things” he’s a magician and evil one!

[@annemariepeterhoff7261]

In my experience with my narcissistic husband I could never have a meaningful conversation about anything important. He will never change but I have! My problem was I was to patient for far to long. You are so right about them killing your spirit mental abuse on steroids.

[@desormais22]

@@t_nels- I think there may have been a verse either in proverbs or psalms (guess maybe psalms) where I heard that king david hid himself from despicable people. Need to find that verse!

[@MaryByce]

Well I’m just starting to realize my daughter is indeed a narcissist. I am most certainly an Empath. Currently, I am completely empty and trying to get back to my baseline from a depression. She has no tolerance for anything that I am dealing with nor do I expect that from her. I am recently retired after 45 years of a great Nursing Career. I am divorced after 24 years with Narcissistic Father of my children. The transition to retirement has been difficult for me. I am not sleeping well. I don’t know which came first the depression or being unable to get restorative sleep. My daughter has a strong great husband and 2 children a 3 year old and 2 month old. They live 8 hours away. I now realize that is a blessing. They just moved 1 year ago so I had a relationship with the 3 year old. I miss him desperately but they have been in the area for over a month and I’ve only seen him once and briefly met my grand daughter. She corrects almost everything I do. I hold the baby wrong(I’ve raised 5 children) I say the wrong thing I do the wrong thing. It’s unending and demoralizing. I have persisted in answering with love. I now realize I’ve been enabling her by not maintaining strong boundaries. Recently after some horrendous public excoriations from her I have stepped back. They are currently traveling to their cabin in Alaska. Her Father and Stepmother are going there as well. I had not contacted her for 3 weeks and out of the blue she called and said she was sorry for the things she said and wanted to work on her issues….blah blah. After her call I was emotional and felt hope growing in my heart. I recognized the dynamic and thought I can’t do this anymore it is destroying my health and my mental health. I want to detach with love but I’d like to learn how to fly as well! What do I say to her? How do I handle my relationship with the grands?? I’m thinking I need to step back from them as well. I’ve been grieving the loss of my relationship with my grandson. I am raw with pain from grieving. I long to return to myself and care for myself and create the next chapters of my life. Thank you

[@alectrona1613]

Dr C, Is it common for narcs to be unable to speculate? Time and again, my narc ex would respond to my speculative ‘maybe’ ‘perhaps’ ‘it looks as if …’ with an absolute ‘IS it this-that-the other?’ Thank you for your insights Dr C

[@bereal6590]

Best description of BPD. My neighbour was diagnosed BPD, me ex displayed all the characteristics of BPD but with a narcissist overlay. It was impossible! regards the religion angle my father says he prays for me which makes me very uncomfortable! I'm pretty sure if there is a god, on judgement day god would say, why weren't you helping rather than asking me to do it for you! I hope he learns to apologise before he gets there! Thanks Dr c. ✌️

[@lindal9885]

Dr. Carter, my question is about the "aging Covert Narcissist." My ex is 74 and was diagnosed with Covert NPD after 49 years of marriage. He has become paranoid and his social anxiety has increased as well as his anxiety. He is blaming all of his symptoms on me for divorcing him. Quest: Do narcissists decompose as they age?

[@jeanettecastle7916]

To the lady who said her husband tells her she needs to always say please and thank you -- my husband demands the same thing. And, here's the kicker. I'm the politest person I know. I use please and thank you a lot, including with my husband. But, you know what, he never says please and thank you to me, ever. My husband is high on the ole narcissism spectrum. He is so cruel I wonder sometimes if he's even human. Maybe a demon taking human form lol. I'm kidding about that last remark. But, I do think he has almost no human traits. For myself, I will continue to say please and thank you to my husband when I think it's warranted. And, when it's not warranted I won't. I try to stay true to myself. If I'm nice to others, I'm nice to him - even though he doesn't deserve it. But, he's not going to control me. I'm a human being worthy of love and respect, just like my Heavenly Father has said in his Word. I will always listen to God before I pay any attention to my so-called husband. And, my husband can't stand that! Best wishes.

[@wendychavez5348]

I have Borderline Personality Disorder ,and that really is a complicated issue, especially as it relates to NPD. It actually took my interaction with a narcissist to get properly diagnosed, and almost 2 years of legal wrangling in Mental Health Court to clear my record, because of course I was the aggressor in our street brawl that was reported by someone after I reported myself. In this case, the legal system worked exactly the way it should have, at least as far as I needed, though there's not much they could do for him without his consent. Perhaps if he ever becomes legally incompetent, something can be done to keep him from harming the people that care about him, though it's no longer my concern.

[@MT-tx7bu]

Is it possible to speak with someone who has shown a history of contempt in relationships and uses excuses that go far beyond reasoning to explain away their behavior? I ask this because my sibling has shown really challenging behavior and I finally had to voice my boundaries. Instead of acknowledging my hurt or even taking responsibility for their silent treatment, they went into a long conversation about something that had nothing to do with anything. I'm just wondering, am I wasting my time trying to talk with them about boundaries?

[@JJ-zv2vc]

Some narcs snap and become violent if the person is known (by your personal experience) to have bouts of violence I wouldn't recommend any confrontation. If possible find a way to leave for good no matter if it's a spouse, family or even a friend.

[@phyllisdevonish859]

I bet Bullies made up the saying “Words can never hurt” so They can continue Heaping all kinds of Vile Words on Someone Else….

[@cleaningtim]

Dr. Carter....I hate to ask you this, because I don't know, but is Gus still with you? He looks like such a sweet pet. I hope he is.

[@reginaldsaunders4319]

Left in a swamp when I was four; gone for twenty-four hours; went downhill after that.

[@DanielB-uy6ye]

My breathing almost comes to a complete stop

[@glendabowen-lf7oo]

Thank you svm for your time and knowledge❤

[@DanielB-uy6ye]

My parents put me through a torture session where i was tased repeatedly and put in a torture rack with a 45 degree angle chair and they pumped the room full that was sealed air tight with some kind of chemical

[@FranklinHanover]

Excellent session. Thank you Dr C !

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@Nanuchick2222-dc6lf]

Just as an ,,funny,, example, a narc who used to be my friend started to treat me terrible so i was thinking i may have done something to upset him so i went to him to talk to him and he said its not possible to talk to me and he continued to treat me badly and actually worst and worst and after time i went to him ,,like listen lets reason and talk about it lets at least try and even when we cant be friends again lets at least make peace,, and he said that to make peace with me would destroy his life😅

[@fieviolet6889]

My family member is so narcissistic that he refers to himself als an abbreviation of "Jesus Christ." But i can be on good terms with him by not critisizing him ever or question his grandiosity

[@DanielB-uy6ye]

Within a few years all my hair is grey and the stress and poison and whatever else they keep doing to me is going to kill me

[@yukio_saito]

I like being sensitive. 😊

[@DanielB-uy6ye]

Dont know how much longer Ive got but i cant breathe

[@loridillon1617]

Collective narcissism within my family means I'm not bad or crazy. We just have different priorities and ways of viewing life. What a relief!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

True!

[@NancyBrown1975]

Thanks very much Dr. C!

[@lauracoussens6207]

Is it lack of reason, or a skill in being able to keep track of multi-faceted reasoning...coupled with a need to be contrary...in order to seem superior.

[@KathieMihindukulasuriya]

I think it is a determination to argue with no anchor to the truth. Whatever they think/feel in the moment = truth, so they can argue x one moment and then the opposite of x 10 min later NOT because they have multi-faceted reasoning, but because they lack a stable, integrated self. They are whatever their current needs and feelings dictate. Their arrogance and sense of specialness convinces them that whatever pops into their head during an argument is correct because it comes from them. They do not recognize expertise, logic, reasoning or deeper understandings because they feel superior to all that.

[@lilyghassemzadeh]

They don't lack reasoning. They can instantly produce creative reasons for everything in a way that just blows your mind.

[@Lauralaura477]

🤗💖🙏

[@christinemilham2847]

Adam needed a "partner" because partners balance each other. (Occasionally hear the word "submit" with "tradtional", as opposed to being a feminist " and "wanting to be a man" (not as emotional).

[@yakyssim]

You can't win against a cheater. A narcissist is a cheater in every way.

[@michelepascoe6068]

Another good book for those people who think the Bible requires wives to be subservient to their husbands and call it "submission," is Ten Lies Men Believe by J Lee Grady. If you think Paul was misogynistic, this book will explain why he wasn't. Submission has to be voluntary and reciprocal, otherwise it's control.

[@t_nels]

I'm lost. I can't find what I was taught. Maybe I should be looking in the catechism to find where it is in the Bible. Once it's control, what are we to do?

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@t_nels I highly recommend Lysa Terkeurst's book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. And keep learning from Dr Carter. Learn about safe vs unsafe behaviours.

[@phyllisdevonish859]

Also says Husbands Love your Wives as Christ loves the Church ( a lot)

[@michelepascoe6068]

@@phyllisdevonish859 absolutely... enough to lay down your life to protect her from harm ❤

[@yukio_saito]

Something like the final question happened to me at work. He micromanaged trivial things and it's so frustrating. I didn't even realize he was a covert narcissist. It's so insidious. 😧

[@anonymouscm7270]

Recently, I came across couple of incidents where the superficial superiority superceded was predominant enough to put me back into my fawn response but still I was able to collect myself to speak up the logically authentic reason/s without being defensive, many thanks for all of your support, including that of Team Healthy and of course Gus🙏🌷🕊💝🤗

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

I'm fairly new and your podcasts have helped me tremendously.

[@Pamelitachickita]

Thank you for this! A co worker psychologically assaulted me a few weeks ago. I am self reflective and so invested time to consider where this very destructive and insulting attack was coming from. I have found out it is pure conjecture, constructed by her. My union rep explained to her that she cannot attack coworkers with rumours based on gossip, and listening to your wisdom and insights, I can see it is propaganda. It has troubled me considerably, so to realize her attack is coming from her significant insecurity, so very obvious to me and a growing number of others, I begin to let go of her devastating hurtful behaviour. Thank you Dr. C.🙏🧡

[@kdevinturner8778]

Once off their reservation logic does not apply. Dehumanization begins and they love to do that.

[@DiscipleofHim]

It is I....the man with narcissters in the family. They cannot reason.

[@phyllisdevonish859]

I m late (again) Regarding Church People who act as if Divorce is The Worst Thing… it’s an interesting irony when a Good Councilor encourages Spiritual Life ….But… Church People don’t like Mental Health workers

[@t_nels]

I find that statement curious. I haven't found that.

[@Gardenwitch1954]

Thank you Dr. C!💜

[@Coral_Forever]

Thank you Dr. C this was really helpful!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@Canyon2023]

Malignant narcissists have no reasoning and I learned it’s a total waste of time to deal with them or give them the benefit of the doubt. The best solution is to get them out of your life because they are nothing but trouble.

[@Canyon2023]

Dr. C speaks the truth!!! I thank him immensely for all his wisdom and for freeing me from narcissistic abuse!! 💗💗💗

[@susansacco7583]

Thank you💕

[@jesstallfeather]

Recently, my sister laid her husband to rest after a lengthy battle from complications of a covid infection (he already had underlying significant health issues beforehand). He has two daughters from his first marriage. Over the course of the last ten months one of the daughters has shown what an incredulous despicable covert narc she can be to my sister. It was all about getting power over her father's care once he became totally indigent (he could no longer care for himself or make decisions for his welfare on his own) and she was going to do throw whoever under the bus to get her way. Thankfully my sister got legal POA over his health care decisions before he really went downhill, but that didn't stop the daughter from challenging that. Then this B went scorched Earth and made elder care neglect charges against my sister and had her criminally investigated by APS and the Sheriff's office. Of course, the investigator found nothing wrong, and the case was dropped. And this woman acted so righteous to have done that to someone who was innocent. For the funeral this daughter made sure the services were held at HER church with HER preacher and not the church where her father and my sister attended for years (he was at least buried at his church cemetery). My sister was so overwhelmed by the constant attacking of this daughter she could only do so much, even though my other sisters (who lived closer to her) were ready to take the daughter and her crap to task. I had to warn my one sister "now don't go do something that puts you in jail" lol. And now there's probate, where this B is the executor of the will and the life insurance distribution. (of which my sister will only get a small portion of a small policy because all the grandkids are included too). There are other ridiculous things that went on from his daughter's side of the family that affected my sister as well. The evil that these types of people will go to must never, never be underestimated in their lust for power. Thank God we are here learning from Dr. C so we can see the truth of narc behaviors and call it out when we can.

[@shellymillett1649]

Dr C why would a father lie about being the father of his 29 year old son who looksexactlylikehim.. We are divorced but his paternity was never in question until now.

[@t_nels]

I'm sorry for you and especially your son.

[@usernane3652]

04:30 George W. Bush junior : "God is with us!"

[@bettysorge9]

Question: Have you ever had a Narcissist voluntarily come into your office and request counseling? I am thinking about giving my husband the ultimatum of seeking care, but not “marriage counseling”. He clearly has serious issues stemming from an abusive childhood. Is this worth a try??? Tks so much, Betty

[@MsInoccence]

My older brothers behavior in the blink of an eye. Bullseye. Theres no conversations he goes directly to yelling and throwing tantrum, defensive and calling names. And he runs away . He is so emotionally manipultive and immature. It took me a long time to learn what this was called. We are now adults and he still acts like he did when he was a teenager difference now is i know what hes doing andbi dont react to his abuse. .