Midweek with Dr. C- Why Can’t The Narcissist See What I See?

[@MonicaMazza-c2f]

Narcissists will set you on fire and complain that you're flammable

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Ouch!

[@sthomas4634]

Once I completely detached I wondered what in the world I ever saw in him, and now I know - I saw what I wanted to see.

[@lindamcwilliams9056]

You sound like me.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I can relate to that!

[@Victoria-c4n]

Ain’t that the truth!

[@fitnesssoup7553]

They're deceptive too. They end up being something different than what is presented

[@Ultramowing]

@@fitnesssoup7553 often their anger leaks out - i started watching for this in all my relationships now. im fine not being around any angry persons. seems an easy way to filter out unhealthy personality styles.

[@Mac-p9u]

I kept a Journal the last 9 years with My Narcissist, and today that is Great Therapy for me. I look back and see just how confused I was, trying to figure out why he was the way he is. After finding You Dr. C and several others here, it is so clear now. I really loved someone that only existed in my mind and heart. I am free now and working every day to heal.

[@sturobertson6791]

Same! Good for you👍

[@Gigiyoungerme]

❤ so beautiful

[@andreacook6000]

I ended up having to write everything down because I wasn’t allowed to voice my feelings and thoughts on so many things because he would let me know it wasn’t going to be good if I did. I felt like I was going to lose my mind if I couldn’t express myself, so I would write down what was happening. When I look back I was trying to figure out what was going on and being denied.

[@sturobertson6791]

​@@andreacook6000 Not being allowed to voice your feelings must have felt heartbreaking. People here on TH will understand. Thanks for sharing. Stay strong

[@karenwoodall2991]

@@Mac-p9u I just figured out I have been in love with a figment of my imagination. It's so confusing and painful, but I know I will not forget the important lessons I am learning from this experience.

[@rwdchannel2901]

The love bombing phase in the narcissistic abuse cycle could be called 'The bait phase.'

[@rebeccacory7945]

I told my snarc he was like a kid who peed the bed & then threw a temper tantrum & blamed the sheets for being wet 🤣👍 Didn’t really go over too well 🤣🙌 but I’m still glad I mentioned it.

[@BaraSchmidt]

They only see what they want to see which is nearly nil outside of themselves. Those "narc- blinders" they wear are reaaaaaalllly high powered! Stay Healthy!

[@sturobertson6791]

Agreed! Sometimes innocent things ive done, with no bad intent whatsoever have been seen and portrayed as unforgiveable crimes

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Yes Blinkers! It's like the selective hearing...tunnel vision !!!

[@JKB-ji6xl]

I think it's blinders plus other factors. There's the paranoia, & it makes sense: If I were a professional thief, I would probably have a hard time not suspecting others, not because of their behaviors, but my own! There's the unacknowledged rage & shame the original pain of which, back in childhood, they chose to respond to by becoming the perpetrator versus the victim; their black & white thinking cements this. The narcissist attacks others as a way to regulate those unwanted feelings. They can either continue pushing them down, or let them explode out of them to land on someone else.

[@elainesmith5313]

Yes, they do know what they are doing is WRONG. My deceased narcissist husbsnd before he died., confess to our oldest son, that he was so Sorry for mistreating me all those years, 45 yrs to he exact. But like Dr C., I believe they are just pitiful to watch in their Web of Deciet over the years. These people from my experience die a horiffic death, their Sin does catch up eventually. As a Health Care worker for 20 yrs, his death was like no other I ever experienced on the job. So Glad I am not them! I'll be me, free, kind, empathic and caring.Thsnks Dr. C. We Live You and Guss!! Happy Hump Day!!!❤

[@sturobertson6791]

I really like what you said about "I'll be me, free, kind, empathic and caring..." Nice one! That's one for a TH T shirt

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Elaine!

[@snowbear1877]

At least he apologized. My father was putting me down even on his death bed, even though I travelled 12,000 km to see him. I was later told by extended family that I shouldn't have come.

[@mday3821]

My narcissistic mother died a horrible death as well. It was something I had never experienced before.

[@Dgirl2]

@@snowbear1877 I hope you can find peace in knowing that you travelled to your father and did your best. You had no control over his actions. Sad- yes. Your fault-NO! Don’t listen to those who said you shouldn’t have gone. ❤ Peace to you my fellow survivor.

[@Hatbox948]

I wish my nex could see himself the way I saw him. He had such a sense of entitlement and expected so much, yet had very little to give. He rarely came through when you really needed it.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

They see themselves through rose tinted glasses!

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

I really like "what is the goal of this conversation?" Definitely something else I'm adding to my "tool box." Thank-you.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@JackieFerrell-f6o I agree. We have to remind ourselves what the original conversation was about. They add so many twists and turns to confuse us. It's hard to stay focused!

[@kimberlysmith7625]

Something to consider, for sure. But, it further engages them and, usually to no end. I prefer "this conversation is over"

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@sergeantfury785]

I am sigma so I never see a point in conversation unless there is a productive quality to it.

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

@@sergeantfury785 Makes perfect sense.

[@sturobertson6791]

So many positive comments here about Team Healthy Agreed. TH and Dr C share stories, skills, tools and positivity that help us all

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Stu.

[@sturobertson6791]

​@SurvivingNarcissism please keep well yourself, Dr C. You give and give, and you need positive input to have positive output! Thanks for all you do

[@trudismith9712]

​@sturobertson6791 I second that with my heart, my new knowledge that changed my inside, but, possibly the same weird person to the outside world. Not easy for me to write quick comments. Trudi

[@sturobertson6791]

​@@trudismith9712 Hi trudi. If you feel changed for the better inside, that's all that matters. What others see is up to them. I think as we (and you) learn and grow, we find more healthy people and relationships in our lives All the best

[@LiveforHim73]

Liked the question of family dynamics with narcissism. Mom, Dad , sisters. Same story of my family. Grew up knowing Dad was self absorbed and extremely controlling. He picked a lady that was passive. Easily manipulated and controlled. They bickered all the time. Mom would try to stand her ground. It got worse as they grew older. I Couldn’t stand it. After listening to Dr. C, I now understand what took place and how it affected all 4 of us kids. 3 girls and 1 brother. We were a big mixed bag of our parents. My very younger sis & I left home young. I was very fortunate to marry an unselfish loving peaceful driven man. I walked into a different world with his family. It was good to know other’s families could be healthy. Gave me hope. Dad died 9 years ago. I’ve been taking care of our Mom for over the past 2 yrs. It’s been an eye opener to understanding my Mom. A little self consumed but understanding her dependency to others to keep her safe, fed and warm was Jolted when she got sick. She couldn’t stay in her home as it was. No care facility worked at The time. After 2 yrs in our home she’s happy. Facing our own issues and challenges has been hard but sure feels better to overcome them and be better humans to each other! Learning how to communicate and handle situations with the major narcissist has been difficult to say the least. After a grief time for the loss of what I thought could be with the relationship was not ever going to happen. It felt like the divorce or death of something personal , a sibling, you growing up with someone doesn’t mean they are capable of loving back at you! That ideal family doesn’t always happen. I no longer feel like it can be fixed. You can’t fix what doesn’t want it, so fix things for yourself. Let go! I’ve come to peace with it!

[@sturobertson6791]

I really appreciate your story. We can all learn from the wisdom you've learned over a lo g and hard road. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story in such a heartfelt way. Reading posts such as yours really helps, and motivates me to keep on growing and learning🙏

[@cherylnathanodette]

Let's all be good folks, no nonsense here on team healthy thanks Dr. C

[@TurtleHillTx]

Dr C. My mother is almost 95. Consequently, life has been CRAZY! Yestersay, I came across a video about dementia and the dynamics of their stuff is stolen. If this is the case, she has had dementia in her twenties! I am so confused! All this time Narcissism has fit her to a tee.

[@majestic.feminine]

Thanks again, Dr. C. Good session, once again! 😍

[@Odetta-c3y]

Thank you Dr C for all your videos even though the number one narcissistic person that was in my life passed on in June of this year I still need to tap into your videos. They are so informative and keep my awareness up. When you broke down the narcissist being stupid and mean I so identify with that. The narcissistic ex-boyfriend abandon us he left his son with me. 4 months later he text me through someone else's phone and said I want to see you I miss you so when I told him no way he had the audacity to say oh well I'll go out in the world and continue to be the nice person that I am. Mean and stupid is what he was. May he be rest in peacefully

[@wendychavez5348]

5 years ago, I "convinced" my narcissist ex bf to leave me somehow--probably by thriving while he or I was in jail, or when I was court-ordered to not initiate contact. Then I figured out that he IS a narcissist, then I found Dr C, and his content helps me every single day! The fact is, even if they are out if your life, they've made themselves a part of your universe, and it takes work to recover from that. You have my support and are in my prayers.

[@juliecrapsey8426]

It has been my experience that when I called him a Narcissist of course he denied it. Now he projects his behavior onto me. He really is immature to believe just because he said it makes it my reality.

[@Dgirl2]

My life is so much better since I got away from those who totally disrespected me. It was very hard at first but so worth it!

[@lisataylor7516]

Omgoodness yesterday I was screamed at all the way home with husband. Then he went to bedroom to isolate for hours. I have been married so long I laugh inside.

[@nanettehebert2359]

@@lisataylor7516 never ride in the car with him and you can tell him why

[@WilGoudswaard]

Thank you Dr Carter learn so much(again) greetings from Wil in the Netherlands 👍👍🌺

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Wil. Your homeland is on my bucket list!!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Today's comradery was brilliant. Team Healthy are so compassionate 💖💐✨️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're a big part of it, Amanda!!!!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks 😊 ❤️

[@caroleminke6116]

So sorry l missed it 💚 but I was @ beach 🏝️ therapy today 🐬🧜‍♀️🦋

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@caroleminke6116 That sounds lovely. Proper self care 🤗

[@Aseeyah-vt9kl]

When you say let's be honest and straight forward. They say " You won't do it". Projecting their own deficiencies.

[@darinsmith2458]

Often times I can't see it when I am in it.. Others will say why are you in that job or why are you with that person? I had a conversation with my mom yesterday and she was telling me about my siblings and nieces and nephews and and cousins and ski group and step-father and others that I knew. I felt so disconnected from it all and that is how I felt my whole life. The root of my issues is neglect. 1. Conversation.. A question I should ask myself is.. How have my conversations with this person been in the past? 2. Your Narcissist.. I am experiencing that people in general who are breaking the rules act like "mind your own business" when I call them out.. 3. Yo-yo.. Hot and cold. It does sound like bi-polar behavior.. 4. Abuse people.. My experience is that they get a sadistic hit when the abuse someone.. 5. Mother.. My mom was the loud obnoxious rager and my dad was quiet and peaceful even though they were both alcoholics.. My mom came from a large catholic family that was loud and my dad came from a small family that was quiet.. My mom and her family pushed my dad out.. I am deeply effected by my dad not standing up for himself and us kids.. The only time my dad said that he loved me was during his brother's funeral when I told him that I loved him.. My dad died a year later and I knew that he loved me but not having that role model that actually stood up for me and supported me really has a devastating effect.. 6. Narcissistic mom.. Being disconnected from my mom has made me feel disconnected from everyone.. When my dad died I truly felt all alone.. 7. Stupid and Devious.. Somehow it seams like it works for them.. That "You can't fix stupid" sure works form me;) 8. Boundaries.. To me what it means is that we are separate.. It is 100% about me keeping myself separate from them.. 9. Sincere and never mistreat.. Nope.. 10. Jabs behind our back.. To me this is Gossip.. I like how we are able to talk about how to deal with people when they gossip.. To me this is the real world and I need to know how to deal with the real world.. Do people gossip about everyone? Is our discussion gossip? How does gossip effect me? If someone is gossiping about me what do I do about it? I think these are great questions..

[@sturobertson6791]

Seeing yourself as others see you is one of the many aspects of emotional growth. It's a lifelong learning journey

[@darinsmith2458]

@@sturobertson6791 Thank you.. I would also add that I want to see myself as other healthy people see me.. Not how unhealthy people see me..

[@sturobertson6791]

​@darinsmith2458 Absolutely!!! Your comment opens up a whole world of learning.....emotional growth helps you see the healthy others around you, and who your healthy (and otherwise) friends are. A healthy friend will gently and skillfully let you know how they see you. Cheers and thanks

[@darinsmith2458]

@@sturobertson6791 Yup.. And the other part of it is to be repelled by unhealthy people.. I get this a lot where unhealthy people want me to do everything for them but they won't do anything for me.. They will even gossip about me.. Or they will do stuff in spite of me.. I look at it as if I am enabling their bad behavior..

[@peggyerickson2549]

No one can fix Stupid!

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

The question regarding the father ruling with an iron fist and the mother not being able to be loving and nurturing. This happened to me. Even more, she abused me severely and I think it was her way of dealing with my father's severe abusiveness (including sexual assaults). I can see the shell my mother became because of my father's abuse. This is helping me. This happened in my ex-husband's father-mother "drama" as well.

[@caroleminke6116]

❤️‍🩹 me 2 but I went no contact before that became popular & now we’re survivors who are thriving ♥️

[@jodycasey6936]

I wish you peace and healing

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

@@jodycasey6936 Thank-you.

[@waywardstitch8604]

46:15 Yes, DrC, you're also a tremendously huge boost to me! Absolutely! And Thank You! 🙏🏼💞

[@tradgirl4765]

Hi Dr Carter! thank you for all your help 😊

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

My pleasure!

[@JamiAbbaVerified]

With all of the so-called experts on Narcissists online these days - it's good to hear from an actual Professional. Very glad I found your channel. You've been a huge help. Thank you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you.

[@Tahoejt]

Dr C, you should wear green more often. It’s your color!

[@jodycasey6936]

I always pay attention to the color of his shirts lol

[@Tahoejt]

@@jodycasey6936 I do like the purple 🤣

[@lindatritt833]

Thank you for all you do! ❤

[@malwads1836]

Honestly a full-blown narcissist will NEVER 👀 what healthy people 👀 & I 💭 that's probably 1 of the most difficult things about dealing with them.These people don't get better unfortunately.... They're the addict that croaks virtually every time, they will live for their extreme addiction to narcissistic supply no matter how badly it ends for them😮‍💨.At least on the plus side we have the option to move forward in a much healthier direction & ultimately learn from it though🕊️❤️‍🩹.

[@StalkedHuman]

If you're "healthy and well" in today's society, you're probably part of the problem. That's overlooked here. Let's put things in perspective, where do you stand on whistle blowers?? 🤔 We already know

[@StalkedHuman]

again, Perspective.. election fraud, NATO, world health organization, ... The ambiguous violations of social standing are being addressed by a blind narcasistic mob.. meanwhile vulgar obscenities are being engaged by people with joyous glee and positive flow 🤑💰💰💰

[@t_nels]

Great episode, as always Dr Carter! 🌹

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I agree ❤️

[@obsidyenneg4333]

Dr. C, I don’t remember how I found your channel, but you bring me so much peace. You reach me in a manner that my own therapist has not. Thank you.

[@thirdday12]

Satan was the 1st Narcissist 💥 💥 💥 Now, you'll understand in a deeper way why the narcissist has such an evil disposition

[@leoraconner6634]

Love the NO NO NO answer!!!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's why I like these live feeds.

[@leoraconner6634]

Amen!

[@amberramsey5928]

Thank you Dr. C. Very helpful

[@NancyBrown1975]

lol, I’ve never heard that before. Wherever you go, there you are. Definitely, a narcissistic trip.

[@Gigiyoungerme]

Thank you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're welcome

[@Ratgirl2]

This brought it all too light in hindsight for me. When my father-in-law put down my spouse's mom regarding something she cooked I was like WTH is this go forward decades later I asked my spouse why did you not call out your father he tells me I don't know. I stood up for her that day and said the food was fine. I'm a long term sucker looking back I want out of it. I can't unsee any of it now. 😢😢😮😮

[@judithbrown3469]

My daughter taught me the real meaning of cognitive dissonance. What i wanted her to be in my heart was the opposite of what she was.

[@stevenmorgan6164]

Thank you Dr Carter

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are very welcome, Steven.

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

Another excellent learning podcast. Thank-you, Dr. Carter.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I learn something new every time!

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

​@@amandaliverpool3374I do, too.

[@meb3153]

Thanks!

[@judyosowa5516]

I look forward to your therapy it really helps me a lot thank you so much Dr C

[@SharonPreston-g3m]

Wish I can share with others

[@amandaliverpool3374]

You shared an experience of watching Dr.C's video. That's a kind of sharing. Be kind to yourself 💐

[@SharonPreston-g3m]

Thanks

[@ginamiller8554]

Love you, Doc 💕

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so kind. Love received, with gratitude.

[@Spartacus2474]

My narc mom used to abuse my daddy as a puppet. She used him as a doorbell. I know her very well. Every opportunity she had she betrayed and cheated on him. She said hersrlf for a former friend if mine.

[@elvissgrandma3215]

Deeply moved by this episode Dr C. The abuse I had was from unrelated individuals but it went deep enough to send me in the direction of seeking help for the trauma - ongoing. If Gilead is a fictional depiction of a dystopian world in Margaret Atwood's Handmaid's Tale then the ultimate depiction of a narcissist can be found in her novel The Robber Bride. Brilliantly written fiction really does reflect real life.

[@konnierad]

30:53 Wow, Dr. C. Thank you for sharing what is obviously a deep pain. You make it OK to still have a ‘raw space’ in my heart; and accept it might be there forever.

[@michelepascoe6068]

For the person who asked about the passive mother (and the bullying father): the book Mothers who Can't Love by Dr Susan Forward explains that there are 5 types of mothers who can't love, and the mother who doesn't protect her child from an abusive father is one of them. I found it helpful for working through my relationship with my mother. The five types of mothers who can't love are: - the narcissist - alcohol or substance abuser - the overprotective smothering mother who needs you for life - the physically neglectful or abusive mother - the mother who knows you're being abused by someone else and doesn't protect you. All if them are emotionally and psychologically abusive. Courage to you!

[@desertrat6373]

Sigh...... never felt so trapped in all my life

[@sturobertson6791]

I felt trapped too. 4 years ago a friend said to me "you need an exit strategy" It took me 2 years of listening and learning here to act on that. I exited that difficult relationship 2 years ago, and I'm still learning I hope you find your peace too

[@JKB-ji6xl]

You can do this!

[@Dgirl2]

I thought I was going to have a heart attack or breakdown right before I got out! It is so difficult at first and it feels so wrong but it is something we have to do to save ourselves.

[@cyndim8785]

I overheard my narc husband talking to my narc daughter. My husband said “I’m going to take your mother to the beach, she’s been wanting to do something for vacation for seven years, I hope she gets caught in a riptide”.

[@sturobertson6791]

​@cyndim8785 He's jealous of your swimming ability. Rise above it. Comments like that reveal volumes about the one who said it. Observe it objectively Without emotional reaction Be serene, healthy, and be YOU

[@cigogneauloin]

I'm quoting Dr. C. here : "... they have learned that, when they are consistently inconsistent, that's when they have the greater power". Their method of always balancing between A, B, C... up to Z without any sort of consistency is what makes us "normal" people so confused. Even if we clearly see through their game, we have that moral and logical thinking pattern that does not allow us to shift that harshly between so many and often contradictory positions seemingly so rational at the same time.

[@Victoria-c4n]

If you call them out on their contradictory/hypocritical POV, they will rage & go off on deflection, blame shifting, whataboutisms, guilt tripping, etc. and finally discard you. In case you want to get rid of one… this may help! 😉

[@cigogneauloin]

@@Victoria-c4n Thank you for your advice. Actually, I did exactly what you recommend and called out "my" narcissist two months ago because I couldn't bear any longer his contradictions, his "humble bragging" (as Dr. C. describes this particularly unbearable trait), etc. And our relationship went then from bad to worse. As he has 7 years seniority over me and as he's really clever in deceiving most of our colleagues, I can't do nothing more than continue to work as hard as I can and just wait for him to make a move and manage to get me fired; this would be his ultimate retaliation, I guess, considering that, as a covert narcissist always hiding his true self behind that "sweet little boy" deceptive facade, he's incapable of managing conflict as an adult (even if we're both in our late forties). But thanks to Dr. C., I know now that this colleague is psychologically "ill" and absolutely incapable of rational, moral and fair thinking. So, even if I may lose my job because of him, I know that I just have to remain who I am and remind myself that the bad guy in this story is not me. (I hope that my English is not too bad.)

[@Victoria-c4n]

@@cigogneauloin - Your English is excellent. Yes, you may lose your job; the DISCARD does not discriminate between personal or professional relationships. He may get you fired and then he will no longer be in your life; meanwhile you could search for another job. There is always the POSSIBILITY that others know exactly what he is like and let HIM go. Be sure to DOCUMENT everything. He will continue to “be worse” - there is no going back. FWIW: It was not my intention to call out the narcissist; I simply pointed out their hypocrisy and it went from there. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It was all the peace that came afterwards that let me retrospectively recognize what had occurred. Wishing you good future fortune!

[@Victoria-c4n]

@@cigogneauloin - Another resource that was extremely helpful is “The Little Shaman” with a plethora of podcasts. Dr. Ramini may be more helpful with work related issues.

[@ClickerTrainer1]

Wow, such an insight full episode. The questions, some with brief notes: 2:47 This is not so much a question as it is a comment: There's one question I've come up with to determine whether I should stay in a conversation or leave the conversation and that is "What is the goal of this conversation?" Of course, the narcissist, if they have their narc game on, will try to belittle you, invalidate you, gaslight you. etc. A healthy person will try and muster a sincere answer to this question that has a glimmer of hope and sincerity. 6:53 Q: Does your narcissist act confused or amazed that you keep noticing what they're doing? Like, they do something egregious, you point it out and they claim it didn't happen or they try to dismiss it. Dr. C: Okay so stop right there. There's more here. They're being rude or dismissive or there there's just an inappropriateness and you call it out. Then they say "That's not what I said." or "You got it all wrong." or "You're not interpreting it correctly." Q (continued): Then they do it again. And again. And again. When you point out that they keep doing it, they act exasperated that YOU are so persistently negative toward THEM and won't let it drop. Dr. C: I'm chuckling, because you can laugh or cry. The narcissist's starting point is "I need you to understand that I am special. Some of the rules that might apply to you or other people don't really apply to me." They use a lot of double standards. That's their beginning point, and when you say "Well, but there are some things that are part of your special way of life that are not working for me, or could be adjusted." They hear one thing at that point and that is rejection. "So you think you're better than me? You're trying to negate me? You're trying to tell me that I'm no good?" Because they think in terms of shame. And you might be thinking, "No I'm just thinking in terms of how we might be able to coordinate better. Please work with me." "Oh, so you think I'm that stupid, huh?" That's their paranoia. They bring a whole different set of characteristics with them as they engage with you. So they just keep doing what they're doing, because they've got blinders. If you go way back into their deep developmental years, they begin realizing "If I try to show myself to be coordinated, then I'm going to lose myself, because that means I'm setting myself up to be controlled, I'm setting myself up to not be heard." In their mind it's like "I don't trust people, so we're just going to do things my way and it doesn't dawn on them, as they continue in that vein, that "The patterns that I've developed kind of make me a difficult person." It's like "No, that can't possibly be it." So when you call them out, they've so tightly rationalized that they are right and that you are wrong, that when you say, "Let's take a look at that.", it's like the decision's already made. "I'm right, you're wrong." They've developed such a strong binary thinking that when you say "Let's look into the middle space and figure out how we can come to a compromise or coordination with each other." they don't think that way because their deep history is so distrusting and is so baked in shame that that any kind of discussion of anything that's not complimentary to them is suspect. 11:22 Q: Is it a narcissistic tactic to yo-yo back and forth between enthusiastic contact and then do a 180 degree (blaming you for their actions) and then they cut off all contact for at least six months. My understanding is that love bombing is a longer phase than an afternoon. The yo-yo treatment happened to me at least four times in four years with the same person. 16:55 Q: Dr C, are you of the opinion that narcissists understand and know what they're doing when they abuse people? You seem to word things as though you think they do, but I wasn't sure if you might be referring to their subconscious processes. Dr. C: They can see a certain behavior as wrong but when you attach 'you' to that behavior in other words it's like "No, you got the wrong person here. You are the real problem." They have such a tight capacity for rationalization. Do they know what they're doing? Kind of, sort of. Their justification/rationalization is so deeply baked in that there is a subconscious level where they just respond automatically. 21:48 Q: My father ruled the house with an iron fist when I was growing up. My sister and I dreaded being around him. My mother never said I love you or read to us or talked with us about personal issues. She was the housemaid, that's it. I know my father was a major narcissist but do you think she might have been a covert narcissist? 26:46 Q: My mom is a narcissist. How could that affect my character? I don't want to be a bad person or hurt people the way that I was hurt. It sucks to realize that I'll never have the mother-daughter relationship that my heart desires. How do I rid myself of the desire to actually matter to my mom? 31:52 Q: Passive aggressive abuse is the most damaging. It's so covert that it's difficult to prove. They're very good at making themselves out to be the good guys. They aren't. Are they super devious or just stupid? 35:42 Q: Why is it so difficult to set boundaries with the narcissist? (MY NOTE: A way to rephrase that question to "Why are narcissists so poor at respecting boundaries and what do I do, give that?") 39:56 Q: Do narcissists ever find a partner that they will be sincere with and never mistreat? Dr. C: Narcissists are not sincere. Sincere means that you have consistency on the inside. They're broken on the inside and they try to represent themselves as whole and they're not. 42:45 Q: Why do these people think that they can be pseudo-friendly to your face and talk badly about you behind your back to people they know you're friends with and think you will not find out? Are they just too impulsive to resist taking jabs at you?

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for this extensive summary, Click Train!!

[@ClickerTrainer1]

@@SurvivingNarcissism You are welcome, Dr. C. And thank you!

[@AnnePerkins-po5jo]

Always had been puzzled by their need to be mean till I started listening to Dr C and Dr Ramani. I do like the alligator analogy!

[@tinapearson8753]

I need some Dr. C .cause I'm feeling sad about the narsissist who is my mother and the damage 💔

[@Dgirl2]

It really hurts when the narc is your mother.

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

Dr. Carter, I have been in therapy for a year because I experienced the unmasking of what I suspect is a malignant narcissist. We were married for 41 years and I can look back and see the pattern of also covert narcissistic abuse. What happened recently was I was in the way of something he wanted badly and he unleashed any type of emotional abuse in order to get what he wanted - we recently purchased a motorhome, paid it off and recently relocated. He wanted tge motorhome all to himself. I never saw it coming. What I need help with is healing from how disposable I was after mamy years of marriage and trying to comprehend how easy it was to throw me away when I would never do anything like this. I keep getting told that he doesn't see the world as I do - yes, unfortunately I'm an empath. And with my therapist and my psychiatrist saying he would have done this to anyone doesn't help me at all - doesn't help the pain I am in because what he did didn't happen to anyone else. It happened to me. What advice can you give to help with the healing process?

[@Dgirl2]

Dear Survivor, I hope Dr.C chooses to answer your question. In the meantime, I hope you don’t mind if I chime in. I can relate to all your points! I was treated so disrespectfully and others got to see the charm. I felt like I was less valuable than the garbage being thrown out. I lost friends and family members because they believed the Narc’s lies. I became numb, confused, depressed, and hopeless. 😢 ❤Please listen to me my friend, almost two years later I am soooo much better. I gained knowledge through Dr. C and Dr. Ramani. I grieved. I prayed. I remembered terrible things. I set boundaries. I forgave myself for putting up with abuse for so long. I started exploring my interests. (At first just by watching podcasts). I slowly started going around people. I cautiously let a few new people into my life. I was very careful to watch for narcissistic behaviors. If I saw any, I did not allow that person in my life. I started feeling again. Then laughing. I pursued my interests. I made new friends who want the best for me. I stopped caring what the narcissist thinks. ❤PLEASE DO NOT SET YOUR OWN VALUE BY WHAT AN UNSTABLE PERSON THINKS OR SAYS ABOUT YOU. ❤️ I finally found peace.☮️ (Yes there are times that I am sad but it passes quickly now). I will always mourn but not on a daily basis. For the first time, I’m starting to like who I am. You will go through phases but you will get through this. You deserve dignity, respect, and civility. Hope this helps. ((Hugs))

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

@@Dgirl2 Thank-you. Yes, it helps. I see myself in parts of your story - being guarded, etc. And thank-you for sharing your story with me.

[@peggyerickson2549]

Thank u again!!

[@takz0743]

Thank you. Yes. In so many ways you are describing our poor family narcissist, who chooses to remember only all the wrongs we and the world have done him. Sometimes when my family narcissist brother would begin one of his "I'm the victim; I'm right and everyone else is wrong" speeches (they were never conversations), Dad would ask him what the intended purpose of the speech was. The family narcissist brother would then storm off to his room, slam the door, and none of us would see him again for 12 hours. He would then emerge and be okay for a few days, even a week or so if we were lucky.

[@ro7547]

Is it almost always a narcissist who uses intermittent reinforcement or could that be a trait of someone who’s simply avoidant?

[@aaronkwolfe]

Myopathy runs strongly in them.

[@caroleminke6116]

Mine had macular degeneration 🤦‍♀️

[@thehotcoffeehouse6081]

​@@caroleminke6116mine has mental degeneration...

[@sturobertson6791]

They see what they want to see. Through a lens of insecurity and fear, which is sad....but also downright cruelty, which is more deliberate

[@caroleminke6116]

my dad 2

[@SherilynMalloy]

I hate their Drama, Trauma and Chaos. ❤😊❤

[@SherilynMalloy]

Sherilyn Victoria Malloy is in Olympia Washington State USA 🇺🇸 ❤🎉Dr. Carter!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

They always need a distraction. Another drama to divert to another drama 🙄

[@snowbear1877]

I've gone back and forth with family. I cut myself off for my sanity for years, then tried to go back. My mother had cut me off because I am so bad. She eventually took me back because of intervention from a friend. I had a relationship with her till she died, about 5 years later. In that time she threatened to cut me off again. My sister has also threatened to cut me off. My nephew cut me off and only came back because I apologised, but permanently unfriended me from Facebook. I think it's because I am a truth teller. They say I am a stirrer. I say they show me disrespect. They say I know what I am doing. I say I am the scapegoat.

[@lindal9885]

Since such a small percentage of alcoholics find sobriety and since 50% of narcissists have an addiction....(question) what percentage of narcissists find sobriety? My father was an alcoholic narcissists who refused to attend AA and never found sobriety. My daughter, who is not a N is a recovering alcoholic...

[@sturobertson6791]

Good point. My nex was addicted to alcohol, weed and cocaine and refused any help because it was ME that had the problem!

[@t_nels]

Dr Ross Rosenberg discusses SLD as an addiction.

[@michelekurlan2580]

Emerald green works for ya! "What is the goal of this conversation?" Omg so simple and I am commenting on it bcuz I am defendant in a minor personal injury accident which is slated for mediation and a question i may be asked by mediator goes something like: "what question do you(me) have which may determine the outcome of this case?" My question will be " what is the goal of this meeting" I know what my answer is and hopefully the plaintiff will have similar goal. Thank you thank you Dr Carter I need to let you know that this really helps and removes a lot of stress and anticipation about this meeting thank you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Michele.

[@michelekurlan2580]

@@SurvivingNarcissism 👊

[@Aseeyah-vt9kl]

I keep missing the live. How do I not miss it?

[@sturobertson6791]

On any of Dr C's vids, tap the bell and 'notify me' Dr C's vids are usually.... Monday 4pm (UK summer time, you'd need to figure out the time for where you are Wednesday 5pm UK summer time Thursday 4pm (same) Saturday 4pm (same) Frequently, a guest speaker on Tuesday 4pm (UK) Wednesday is live, the others are pre-recorded If you subscribe to Dr C (Surviving narcissism) just tap 'subscriptions ' at the bottom of your YT page you'll see his face icon at the top . Tap that and you'll see a list of previous vids and upcoming ones over the next few days. Hope that helps

[@aaronkwolfe]

Dr. C is in USA Central time, which is GMT -6. His (pre-recorded) premieres are 10AM (local time) on Monday, Thursday, and Saturday. Same for an occasional Tuesday guest interview. His Wednesday streams are 11AM (local time), and they are live.

[@chriswalls5831]

Apples n oranges

[@skeptik-ci5xo]

I haven't watched in a while because I've been trying not to trigger my intense anger toward my abusive narc sister, but I realize that there are no external triggers; the thoughts just spontaneously pop into my head at random times for no discernible reason. I have periodically ruminate about our last "conversation," which was months ago and I wish I could erase it and her from my head so that I don't have to be tortured by it for the rest of my life. But since it will never be resolved between us, I don't know how to let it go and move on. I decided to watch today because I need a validation replenishment. I don't have a therapist, and there is no one else I can talk to about this so I need an outlet to keep me grounded. I am not sure if you have the time to answer individual questions after the livestreams, but I am really curious to know if it's common for narcs to pick one or a just a few targets for their abusive attacks, as opposed to behaving this way indiscriminately. There are a few people that my sister treats poorly, but she is especially, and shamelessly, vicious and hateful toward me.

[@peggyerickson2549]

I didn’t write journal about narcissistic experiences, but I kept paper trail. They claim never said those things. HA!!!!

[@francesbernard2445]

Dr. Carter isn't it true that being self aware, socially aware and realistic about our own limitations when it comes to our ability to remain genuine while relating to someone after learning what they are all about which is probable bad while by then already feeling cornered by them then when we take whatever steps we can after that only to stay out of their way well that is part of what is called being both humble and courageous at the same time. Being both humble and courageous at the same time is not easy to accomplish all on our own.

[@clinicalpsychology326]

Dear Dr C, I have a question. The question is: Is this narcissism? And it's about my parents (mainly my mum). The story: When I was 17 I started dating a very troubled guy, and we were on and off for a couple of years total. He ended up living with me and my parents for many months in the middle of our relationship. My mum spent a lot of time trying to help him but he was very unstable and so it was a difficult and rocky relationship (very impactful and painful and even traumatizing for me). After we broke up eventually (and by then he had his own place) he kept coming over several times a week for dinner and sometimes when he was upset, for emotional support (from my parents, which they gave him). His constant visits made me very anxious and uncomfortable every time, but my parents said that I brought him into their lives, so now I had to deal with it and get over it. They even brought him along on our family vacations, twice! The first time I tried to be kind but when he kept flirting with me even though I was clearly uncomfortable eventually I snapped and then my dad said I ruined our family holiday (it was all my fault). The second time I didn't go with them because it had been so awful for me. They also continued to invite him for Christmas and New Years for many years (because he didn't really have family, but completely disregarding my discomfort and pain). I asked them many times to visit him instead if they want to keep in touch, but to leave me out of it, but they just don't seem to understand. It's been 20 years now and they still don't get it, and haven't apologized nor validated my feelings, and still invite him (although much less, but my ex's last visit to the house while I was there was just a few weeks ago, even though they promised they wouldn't do that anymore while I was visiting). Is this narcissism? I don't see many other strongly narcissistic traits in them but this one really confuses me (how they still can't get my point of view). I have a feeling my mum is only capable of pity, but not actual empathy. (edited for clarity) PS: Yesterday I have finally kindly asked my ex to stay away from the house when I'm there, and from family events, and to my surprise he said straight away he understood completely and that he would respect my wishes. I was relieved but had hoped my parents would have reacted like that instead... but I figured if they can't do it after this long, it will never happen.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

I've never heard a story like this. What I can say is that they've totally disrespected your feelings. I hope Dr.C see's your comment. I would like to here his honest opinion!

[@clinicalpsychology326]

@@amandaliverpool3374 Thank you Amanda!

[@t_nels]

This is a very hurtful thing, they are in effect saying this ex is more important than your boundaries. 🫂❤️‍🩹

[@jodycasey6936]

Haha Don’t call me Shirley is from the movie Airplane? I’ll have to look it up. Watching this on a Sunday because I hopped on late on Wednesday. Team Healthy is really growing! Goooo Team Healthy!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yep, Airplane it is.

[@vitatover2449]

Potential narcissist massive recent crisis starting team healthy. One day at a time. For me. I just want a way out of this mess

[@pennylynch913]

I think i wanted to get on with my neighbour so bad that it blinded me to what they turned out to be. Sad bc i found out they were abused growing up so i thought, well no wonder i was so mistreated.

[@ChristianaBonelliSmith-mo1ox]

My Daughter always speaks of Boundaries but those Boundaries are falsely used. Reminder that I am not the Narcissist as their father was diagnosed the Narcissist. Example in a phone call she screams at me I told you to not talk about Trudy (the so called Trustee) over the loss of my inheritance and trust fund. Then she hangs up on me in a cpl seconds. I wasn't even talking about Trudy and never mentioned her name. She didn't hear me as usual. I was talking about the elderly lady my age I spoke with at the store I go into. If I call her back once again confused and clarifying myself I have now over stepped her boundary by calling back. She is under a lot of anxiety right now but her abuse towards me is mirroring the same abuse I got from her father the diagnosed Narcissist who's anxiety over his business was extremely abusive towards me. After a morning in the car with my daughter she dismissed me, demeaned me, showed me every bit of contempt towards me. Falsely accused me and insulted me. I have no voice, I am stupid and she overtalks me yelling at me before even knowing what I'm going to say. I jumped out of the car, I've been crying. I feel frustrated and once again my character assaulted. I walk into the store where I know an elderly lady my age who works there and says "DID YOU FIND THE PARK WHERE MY GRANDDAUGHTERS PARTY WAS AT." Very nicely and I start crying again as this was part of today's assault on me. A few days before while her father and my other daughter were here and came down from Alaska I had been locked out of my Daughters house where my phone was at and had no directions, no address, etc. It worked out but today boy did I hear about being late. Falsely accused that I was still all the way in Seaside cause I was drinking which is completely false. I live in my car and was tired and exhausted as I usually am as I've lived in this car with my dog for 2 years now. My sleep isn't the same. I ran from one side or Oregon to the next to meet up and catch up with them on last minute notice. Under my own stress as there is so many places you can park and sleep at night. So I slept in Safeway parking lot to head back in the morning. I decided to demand that I can take a shower at her house once her boyfriend and the kids were done cause I have no access to showers. In a hurry not to be late I walked out shutting and locking the door behind me and leaving my phone inside. There was no drinking involved in all that. Survival was involved. I have felt like screaming and crying myself. I went to court with her this morning over her safety. I have been very concerned about as her boyfriend has been shot by his boys baby mamas boyfriend who had now escaped from Alaska. The babies mama has shot and killed two ppl. My daughter screamed at me, abused me in the car, made false accusations and has constantly compared me to her boyfriend very unfairly. All tactics her father has done in his need to gaslight me to glorify himself. The incident has more but I feel completely treated with no respect, no dignity, and in a dynamics in which I am sure that the rest of them can float and feel superior to me. I am questioning today the true reality of the situation of so called kindness and if there wasn't some other hidden motive to it all. If I have 2 drinks as I've done with them I stay where I'm at and sleep in my car period. I don't drink and drive but this scenario was tired exhaustion and bad weather conditions that had set in as the overcast, clouds and rain had set in and didn't want to drive through the mountains at night going back. I can't help but think I was set up to fail and I was very appropriate and the bigger person.

[@Lore788]

I believe that the answer is, NO they are insincere. They can’t be due to their self serving behavior patterns.🤫

[@bereal6590]

The question about the mother. I wonder if she has other behaviours. My mother was similar to the mother with doing all the household duties but on top she had her own toxic ways as well. She was the one who went after my father, she was the one who was the most passive aggressive towards me (though he did raging and passive aggressive), she guilt ed like crazy, had me fawning, is intensely judgemental and cold as ice when she wants to be. Plus many more things, but basically she was the back seat driver. She gaslight, invalidates like crazy. I wonder if there is more to their story, it took me ages to work out. She is a vulnerable covert, my father a covert malignant with times of being more overt. Both mentally and emotionally abusive, my father at times physically abusive. If it's all they asked then maybe she is just checked out but for me it was much more. ✌

[@vitatover2449]

How do you achieve self love and security if you don't have naturally?

[@CPoh333]

I understand that many narcs withhold sex/affection as a means of control. In your practice, have you ever run across narc spouses who expect sex/affection regardless of their behaviour (e.g. creating chaos, gaslighting, criticism, etc)?

[@lisataylor7516]

Yes no cuddles! Why would I wanna cuddle with you when you “treat” me the way you do he says.

[@Cod12Osc]

The only possible way they could be sincere, POSSIBLY, is if the person they are in a relationship with or married to, if that particular person is okay with a surface level relationship or marriage or is just ok with going along to get along, but where is the sincerity in that....

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

No!

[@kenzo9644]

I chosted my entire family. they did'nt see it comming & it works. [cone of silence as chief, 99 & Max would say]

[@rosieE121]

It would make sense that the subservient mother was very intimidated by the dominant father. He may have pressured her into acting neutral towards her children.

[@dalialovesdoggies4361]

15:48 15:48 15:48 The narcs KNOW EXACTLEY whattheyare doing..and that they ARE doing it. Whatever donottt know is whyyythey are doing it, and the process that brings them to doing it. Hence, it is allllll about yiu ha ha ha😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@michellehill718]

👏🏽

[@Cod12Osc]

In the end, they will DISCARD you....

[@Rachel-mz8ko]

Could the shame that a narcissist contends with result from the black and white certainty with which they hold their views? If that rock solid certainty gets momentarily cracked, they experience shame because of how their certainty ties into their personality structure...? I don't know, really, anything about personality structure. I just can't see how past shame messages or events could have that much impact on any present failing.

[@ro7547]

So, is subservience the same as codependency?

[@sturobertson6791]

That's a great question. I am definitely not qualified to say, but my gut experience says that codependency is a deep rooted condition due to being brought up in non healthy ways, eg parents being not emotionally grown / narcasistic / toxic in various ways, leading to the child believing they have to "do something" to be loved, respected, valued, seen etc. Subservience (IMHO) can be trained into someone by a toxic other or partner over a long term. They train you to be their puppy. Just a short answer to an important question. Maybe you could research it through other YT vids. All the best

[@ro7547]

@@sturobertson6791 that’s a great answer. I never thought of it that way. Thank you so much!

[@sturobertson6791]

​@ro7547 Hi ro....I'm probably doing this important topic, and your question a dis service by a short answer. Lisa A Romano, another YT practitioner has a lot to say on this. What I've understood from her vids is you BECOME subservient/ compliant/ a people pleaser / unable to say no, etc....BECAUSE you are suffering from codependency without knowing it. I was very codependent, and therefore vulnerable to narc abuse. I'm learning fast!!! If you haven't already done so, may I suggest you look up Lisa A Romano and search for her vids on codependecy. Between her and Dr C, they have definitely helped me. Take care ro, and all the best

[@vibratehigher2441]

❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@TrevorHamberger]

9:20 ..other clip around 4:00

[@peggyerickson2549]

NO!!!! Never find life partner.......

[@keyaolson991]

"We"??,never a "we" with a narc !!!

[@elizabethambielli610]

Consistently inconsistent or 'insincerity' / 'psychology of business management.' (keep the workers always unsure and business management, as learned in today's educational system, retains the upper hand when standards of what is objective good have been dropped. (no rules society, do one's own thing, needs TO CONTROL who they consider 'subordinates' ONLY, (utilitarian... to fill the immediate need, when no longer needed... just downsize.) This utilitarian mindset comes from a society that 'tosses' anything that is not to their benefit: Marriage aka commitment 'til death does one part? Naaah, if not working out, separate or divorce. Forget the kids 'that came along' (they'll get over it). In fact, why commit to anything; just live together for what one gives the other, if it gets 'tiring' just say goodbye BUT be 'cool' about it. (stay friendly). This is simply a body person, AS THEMSELVES, not 'body and soul' ... soul being a 'forever thing' because soul is God who lives within soul.) It can be subtle or blunt. NO 'MUTUAL GOD' and understanding of 'the eternal life above.' Slam a door, or just ROAR at, or block an email, block from one's 'social media page.' As stated by Dr. Carter in another video...it is all about 'dehumanization' of 'other' so as to increase one's own self-esteem. Stated as 'we'll just agree to disagree' ... you do your thing, as long as it doesn't effect my thing. The louder ROAR wins. (No, not quite. To those of faith, life is eternal and we must pray everyone is working for same objective... the Common Go(o)d aka Mutual Spirits under THE God.

[@nathansmith6365]

I hadn't a girlfriend in many years...she always bring up her x husband...x boyfriend from 30 years ago...I'd say...I don't like gossip...please stop talking about these people they are not here to defend themselves...se would get upset...and walk away...then finally tell me to leave....it's over now between us....becausei stood up for myself.and called the gossip what it is......

[@nathansmith6365]

Getting ousted...for standing up for myself...how weird...the best is yet to come

[@FBolton-m3w]

Forget that narc. Look at the outcome. False teachings. N america a native American. Look a certain way. Stereo type. But not like them.

[@jodycasey6936]

Thanks!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you.