MONTESSORI AT HOME: The Problem with Praise (+ What to Say Instead!)

[@philippapay4352]

This is so important because Americans praise when no praise is due, so children come to expect something for nothing, so to speak. A European once said that Americans do not rear their children, they incite them. LOL. My parents would say "thank you" when we did something they asked of us that we were supposed to do, but they would not tell us how startlingly wonderful we were unless we did something startlingly wonderful. They were trying to train us to do the right thing, whether seen or praised or rewarded or not. I never understood why when a baby is clapping the attending parent cannot just clap back and say, "We're clapping." There is no need to tell them they are good or talented in some unusual way to be clapping. But, it is good for them to learn the word and for it to be reciprocated or acknowledged in some way. It is coercion through praise. It teaches them quick gratification, too, instead of what the deeper rewards can be of doing the right thing or doing what was asked or doing something new. It is better to notice and have the child notice that they tried really hard, which is a value. And what if the child is not so smart? How fair is it in a tough world to be saying that to them, when untrue? They need love learning and learn how to learn. We don't want them crushed by adult life because the rest of the world doesn't see what we do in them. The examples were helpful.

[@HapaFamily]

I really appreciated your insightful commentary on this topic, and I think others will benefit from reading what you have to say! Thank you! 🥰

[@11892rosa]

@@HapaFamily What do you recommend with young babies that don't understand "i see you tried really hard", you know like they don't know what you are saying yet. For example, what can I say to my 1yr old when for the most part she hates brushing her teeth and the few times she is willing i feel like i have to praise her so she can keep it up. What do i say or do to encourage her to keep doing it? Or simple stuff like when she finishes the food on her plate, or basically anything at this young age?

[@bonniejames9496]

Thank you Ashley for another insightful video and thank you Philippa for your contributions! Growing up in Switzerland and Australia, I can compare my experiences in both school systems. In Switzerland, I was rarely praised but I was encouraged (well except by one teacher - most of us have a story like that I think). I felt that our "rewards", so to speak, were the end products of our work which we would then take home at the end of the term to show our parents (e.g. a woodwork project, German folder, math folder, handwork i.e. sewing and knitting - all of which were always beautifully presented and organised). In Australia, there seemed to be a lot more rewards. I got attendance certificates for attending school along with a whole string of other certificates and when I graduated from high school I got a "Special Achievement" TROPHY. Until this day I don't even know what is specially meant by "special achievement". I did get quite a high mark but not the highest either ... Did I get it because they knew I had moved a lot and been schooled in different school systems and languages but still managed to get a very high mark? I still don't know. My best friend at the time just laughed :-P. I do not understand this at all. For me attending school is a gift in itself and the rewards are intrinsic. These are just based on my personal experiences of the different "systems" so to speak - and it is not to shame any "teachers" because I had amazing teachers in both systems and not so good teachers in both systems also. For me it is more about the systems that are quite different in which teachers have to work in and I understand that.

[@1000orchids]

@@11892rosa Here is what I did with my daughter: first of all, I'd let her choose the toothbrush herself, before buying it in a department store (the toothbrush appropriate for her age, of course). In the evening, we'd celebrate the act of toothbrushing: "Let's brush our teeth with this great new toothbrush! (Name) will have nice, clean, and strong teeth!" If her favourite cartoon character is painted on a toothbrush handle, you could promise her to read a bedtime story featuring that character. Reading books about the importance of toothbrushing was something my daughter liked a lot. We've had a book featuring a lion who had dirty teeth because he could not hold a toothbrush with his paws. But then, a little mouse came to the rescue! Now a lion has shiny, clean teeth! I hope this helps :) Btw, my daughter is 5 yo now, and enjoys toothbrushing.

[@MTKearney11]

Philippa Pay I can see most of what you said as having insight, however the negative comment about Americans followed by the LOL was not appreciated.

[@brookeally1346]

I’ve been trying to say things like “ I see how hard you worked with that” and already I can see my son reacting by trying harder. I’m amazed already.

[@Unfilteredalyssa1227]

I started crying after watching 15 mins of this because thats the feeling i want my child to have. I grew up with a lot of praise and i have a hard time with reassuring myself now

[@alikat8221]

What confuses me here is the conflation of “praise” with “constant, relentless, undeserved praise”. Children who never receive parental approval can spend their entire lives trying to earn a word of praise from their primary caregivers. Although I agree parents can err too far on the side of praise for its own sake, too little affirmation can have an equally adverse effect. ... ok, having watched the latter 1/2 of the video, I’ve realised why I have such a strong dislike of people who comment before watching the entire video 🤦🏻‍♀️ AMAZING content 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@ItsRealyReall]

Same 😄

[@sfree322]

My same exact reaction! Happy I finished the video and kept an open mind

[@ednasmom]

It can seem really off putting at first to not praise children when they're looking for it.. So I can definitely see where your distaste came from to begin with... I have been a nanny in the past and I am currently a nursery school teacher. While being a nanny it was almost EXPECTED that I praise someone else's child even when it didn't feel warranted. At our nursery school, we practice a similar language to the one Ashley is using in her examples. I cannot tell you the world of a difference in makes. I find that it's easy to passively say "good job" or "so nice" in an enthusiastic but disingenuous way. When we actually take the time to look at the structure or piece of art and encourage children to be proud of what they did for themselves, their confidence and independence soars. And isn't that what we want for all children? Of course its great to praise them when you GENUINELY feel PROUD.

[@lauren8627]

Actually I find the constant NEED for praise arises from either excessive praise OR when the parent turns to yelling and physical abuse very quickly. So the child becomes a people pleaser as a way to survive the CONSTANT egg-shell-walking. It is sad and depressing how often abusive parenting and excessive praise goes hand and hand in the same parents. Words to do not fix actions. Especially abuse. So this needs to be taken into consideration when stopping excessive praise. This involves a whole new approach of parenting. There was a study done on puppies which showed that when puppies were treated non abusively and had a lot of positive reinforcement they were not clingy to their owners. When they were abused they were also not clingy. However when the puppy received BOTH forms of treatment the simple problem of the fact they never knew if they were going to be treated well or abused meant that they were overly clingy towards people. It makes me feel a bit sick. (I can't find the study but I think it was quoted in. 'Your Parenting Mojo' episode).

[@alikat8221]

Lauren I’ll try to find the study - that sounds awful, and sort of makes sense... attachment is a complex phenomenon, isn’t it?!

[@KittiesandMilk]

Yes this is very real! This has repercussions in adulthood! In high school I did very well because my parents praise was nearby and immeadiate, later when I went to college and I was on my own, I had a very hard time motivating myself to do well at school.

[@HapaFamily]

Thanks for adding this insight to the conversation! So important! 🥰

[@HapaFamily]

Thanks for adding this insight to the conversation! So important! 🥰

[@xdloodee]

I see the positive effects of this in my own upbringing. My parents never really offered any praise when I was growing up. When family friends would praise me, my mom would play it down. I think part of it is cultural and praising one's own children isn't common in Chinese culture. My parents were supportive though, never missed any events I wanted them to attend. They also tried to always allow me to explore my interests even if it was hard on them financially. Without them praising me, I was able to find my own reasons to pursue my interests. It has helped me be motivated and know myself better.

[@nellieb00]

I beg to differ though. Likewise, my parents being Chinese did not offer praise and I grew up feeling insecure. If they praised and reassured me more, I’m sure I would have outdone myself. Also, I don’t think praise would have directed my interests elsewhere. I praise my daughter to encourage her but she does what she likes . I don’t think that praise affects interest. She is invested in what she enjoys.

[@zegct1]

I think I'll try to do this with my girlfriend's little half-brother - he's about 7, and the next youngest kid is already 13. Since he doesn't really have anyone to play with regularly, he spends most of his time glued to his tablet watching youtube...and when he does do something, it's met with a passive "good job", and that's all. Today's his grandma's birthday, so I asked him if he'd like to help me bake her a cake - he's excited about it! I'm going to try my hardest to implement some of these tips during and after the process!

[@RexySmith]

wow this video is so relevant for me today. It seems like I just can't help to say "awesome" or whatever when I notice my daughter(3 year old) doing something properly that I haven't seen her do before. Just today she was playing with a little "trumpet" toy and she was blowing exactly on beat with a song so I was genuinely happy/impressed so I said " wow your exactly on beat! " but then She totally stopped and it's not the first time she stops what she is doing after I say something.She almost look embarrassed then stops. I need to work on holding back, I think it's also because I come from a more negative background, so I have a tendency to want for her to know that "she can accomplish anything" and that I love her and I am proud of her no matter what. Very interesting topic and makes me self-reflect a lot

[@AB-uv7ne]

whenever it's backed up by research, i'm all ears.. thank you!

[@kymhouse8158]

So many behaviours in our society that are used in education & child rearing, are done in tradition not necessarily backed by science or proof.

[@danih5631]

Saaaame. Sick of evidence contradicting educational practices.

[@SMajid--SMajid]

This makes absolute sense. Thanks a lot for your help. You have no idea how much difference you are making to thousands of children around the globe!! Happa parenting!!

[@peronne17]

This is so hard for me. I am a perfect example of why too much praise is detrimental. I received a lot of praise growing up from family, teachers, etc, to the point where I went out of my way to get praise and felt like a failure if there was no praise. So I get why this is important and I want to break the cycle with my daughter. But even at 3 months old, I am constantly saying "Good job!" and "What a good girl" for every natural thing. I am having a hard time not doing it! It just comes right out! I love her and I'm so happy for everything she does and I struggle not turning that into praise.

[@ggomez0925]

I found your channel last week after searching for baby led weaning videos and instantly fell in love with your content, especially after finding you follow Montessori. I have a 13 year old son and a 10 week old son and though I did not do Montessori with my eldest, I intend to with my baby and hopefully am able to be a better parent to them both. Your channel has inspired me to do that and I can’t thank you enough !! Have a great day, Hapa family !!!

[@coffeebreak6395]

First time I heard for this was at my pedagogy class and that's when I realized that it is probably what happened to me. My parents very often were saying how smart I am and that caused me to be scared of trying anything new. And now that makes so much sense. I'm really determined not to overuse praise with my own children, but I don't even have children yet and I already find it very challenging and I'm afraid that I will struggle with this a lot, because I feel an urge to praise, to reward good behavior. Your tips are very helpful and I'll try my best to use them as much as possible. Thank you!

[@natalieeuley1734]

I have definitely grown up praise-addicted. I'm 25. In school, I got SO much praise, and I did at home too. I was a people pleaser, and did everything I could to be helpful, to be good, and a little pat on the head was my favorite thing. Well, as I have become an adult, working had been extremely difficult, because no one is going to pat you on the head for doing a good job. Motivation has been the hardest part of being an adult for me, and I realize now that all of the praise I got was what was motivating me my whole life. Even now, I still seek out activities where I will get recognized and complimented on a regular basis. Anyway, I figured I would say this as a warning to parents in these comments... please don't do to your kids what my parents and school did to me. If I become a parent one day, I will most certainly follow your advice. For now, I need to learn how to be a functioning adult haha

[@ednasmom]

I am also 25 and definitely grew up in a over praising culture. Isn't kind of amazing how learning about children and child development can help you as an adult see where your current woes and issues in life stemmed from? It definitely gives me clarity!

[@annarocha3254]

@@ednasmom I grew up with very little praise and I still became a people pleaser. 😩

[@choosnau]

I've noticed this with my step son who is 4. He constantly demands attention for praise. He will go on and insist we watch then when we finally do he will do a simple jump and say "wasn't that the best jump ever?" Then when it comes to engaging with other kids and not actually being the highest jumper or fastest runner he cries and breaks down when he loses and accuses everyone else of cheating and really believes he is the fastest and they got an unfair advantage. I've been really trying to break that habit and stop over praising but it can come across as me being cold when really I think he needs to be set up for the real world.

[@julial.b.6800]

I've had to let go of this method of parenting with my eight year old stepson because he has been raised in a way where he seeks so desperately the approval of his parents. He has a warped sense of what true praise is. But I have had to let go and I have learnt that it is not my job to change how he is being raised, only to hope that one day in the future he will learn that the sense of intrinsic pride is much more powerful than empty words. So I have conversations with him along the lines of asking him about doing acts of kindness just from the goodness of his heart as well as asking him if he has really done his best effort in something that he wants praise for. I also try and share these ideas with his parents to educate them. I hope you have better luck with your stepson!

[@laurenclark1597]

I totally understand that! My 5 and 3 year old step sons are the same way. They want to hear good job for everything. They get confused when we ask them “what do you think about it?” 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@MC-ko2mx]

It's so hard, as you don't want to seem unsupportive or discouraging, but you are doing the right thing in addressing this now. Imagine if your stepson was demanding the same level of praise and attention aged 14, 24, 34 and beyond. What may seem 'cute' and 'endearing' at 4, very quickly morphs into obnoxious behaviour as they get older...

[@WithoutVlogs]

choo snau This is very interesting. My mother has always be very honest with me about everything I did or made. As an adult I think I know my level in a variety of skills very well but it can make me very self critical and perfectionist as well. It might be that my parents were never extatic about anything. Also not when I was very proud of something myself. Hopefully I can balance the praise and critics better once I have my own children.

[@Noorieification]

OK, I'm going to add something here based on my experience (I'm a mom of a 4 & 7 yr old). Children do demand a lot of time and energy -- and particularly extra attention especially when they feel they are not getting enough. They are emotionally more in-tuned to their needs than we give them credit for. This is exactly why when a 2nd child is born, the older child becomes needy, asking for more attention than usual and even more frequent tantrums. First and foremost, we have to treat children as intelligent beings who are exploring and understanding this world that is still new to them . Yes, they are pushing boundaries and testing how people react. As far as praise attention and approval goes, even as adults we are constantly asking and hoping for it -- in different ways of course. So please don't expect a child to have mastery and control over this primal need. To help children develop strong emotional maturity and confidence, holding attention and approval is farthest from the ideal. This is exactly why they will grow up and still seek it out excessively -- their needs were not met as kids. I feel they best way to go forward is to have mini conversations with them (yes that too needs time and attention). Giving in to their needs in the moment is not a bad thing at all. But talk to them afterwards, as compassionate adults and teach them right behavior in a gentle and loving way. Please don't see them as needy brats who act all big and strong at home and wither way outside -- this is exactly when your job as a compassionate and understanding parent becomes more important.

[@loopy18lau]

Love this. I’m always trying to explain to people why we don’t praise and they never get it! I grew up with the usual ‘good girl’ praise and I know now As an adult I still seek praise! Crazy isn’t it!

[@lauren8627]

I find "good girl" one of the most condescending things to say to someone. Of all the things you could be. You get "good". 🤦 It kills me. How unconstructive!! A boss of mine said it to me when I was 24. I think I'm still scarred!

[@hollyyoung9892]

This video is exactly what I was looking for. As a former primary school teacher, and now manager of a large team of young adults, the negative repercussions of constant praise during childhood is so obvious to me. I literally have a team of 200 young people who feel unappreciated because they aren't praised for doing their job. I'm not a words of affirmation person but it's easy to fall into the trap of praising a child when it's all around you. Thank you for the tips and alternatives that we can start using with our daughter.

[@prokyono]

this is such an insightful video ! my main confusion with montessori has always been what to replace praise with and this makes so much sense. I was praised often as a child and told I was smart when I did well in school and it led to huge self esteem issues further along the line when I found myself struggling academically. I had such a fear of failure that I still deal with now as an adult and it's prevented me from trying things I might fail at. I hope I can avoid that cycle when I have kids in the future !

[@CarolinaSantos-xj8lm]

I totally feel that my parents and family over praised me as a child and adolescent and it didn't prepare me for real life. I thought I was "better" than I really were and it was really hard to "ground myself" and to re-learn who I was/am from my own perspective (from a realistic one). I didn't know this was a research topic but I can assure you that this is real. It might help for 1 minute or two, but it the long run it is absolutely unbenefitial and challenging.

[@Woocray]

Oh I’m right there with you! I’ve come to realise what a people pleaser I am, and I think it’s due to all the praise I was given as a child.

[@anneliesjoss]

Carolina Santos I realize also that it has made me fearful of failure.

[@amberfey1336]

I always start these videos like "I dunno..this sounds like a crazy idea and mean to kids" ... Then I listen to the explanation and I think "yup, that totally makes sense!".

[@stacey738]

I thought that too, then I read the comments and realised that my idea of 'praise' is not the same as some other peoples'. Apparently some people go overboard!

[@jessiecihura4598]

Me too!! 😂 glad I watched the video cause I totally agree now

[@melissaacosta7765]

@@jessiecihura4598 Jann. No n

[@natm1320]

Thank you so much. I have a 6yr old and a 5 month old. Stumbled on your videos for Montessori toys and play and have realized I’ve been making huge mistakes with my older boy. He is definitely praise addicted. I hope I can change this in our life.

[@Liz514]

This makes so much sense!! Now I gotta turn my praise ship around. I’ve noticed I’ve been giving a lot of praise to my 14 month old twins. Especially around meal times or when they share something with one another. Thanks!

[@relentlesslyawesomer]

I just wanted to let you know this is the video that originally got my husband and me into Montessori. I was initially slightly put off by the title so I decided to watch it with an open mind. I was astounded at how much this resonated with me. I was definitely raised as a praise junkie, while my husband was not. We started talking more about it, and we've been raising our now 14 month old with full Montessori philosophy since she was 8 months old. We can really see the benefit of following the child in every way, and I've been passionately educating anyone who will listen about it, haha. We already naturally parented in a way that semi-closely aligned with Montessori, but now we have a lot of great guidance for continuing on this path. I just wanted to say thank you, Ashley and Mike (and Kylie and Mia) for all of the incredible information you've shared with everyone and for educating the world on a Montessori life with little ones! I'm praying for you guys to stay safe during these uncertain times and thanking God that He led me to your channel.

[@slugbiter]

I'm currently a second year engineering student with no plans of having children any time soon, but this video has given me some insight on my own upbringing. I've realized that being raised with constant praise for nearly everything I completed until I left for college has left me lacking motivation at times. Seeking approval and praise from my peers and S/O leaves me feeling disappointed in myself and confused. This past year I've been reflecting on how my upbringing has made me who I am. This video may have been made to help expecting or new parents make good choices on raising their children, but it has also helped me in my journey of self discovery and betterment. Thank you for the wonderful content as always!

[@nicoleee1980]

I have a background in education and I’ve tried so hard to limit how much praise i give out to my little girl and it’s soooo difficult. More than i realized it would be. Thank you for these great points and examples.

[@ralucapopescu2362]

I wish I could hit 5 like buttons. I found myself so much in the praised child. This is how I was raised and I'm such a people pleaser! Thank you so much for this lesson! I am pregnant and trying to educate myself to do better the I was taught. Great Video!

[@MandalaBunnyhome]

You're so right about them being proud of their own accomplishments. My 10 month old always gets so excited over her achievements like pulling herself up to stand, crawling, etc and she loves showing people what she can do!

[@tanvigawde1612]

As someone who grew up in India, I was not used to praise at all but the efforts were acknowledged. Sometimes if my parents did praise, I felt embarrassed almost .. like of course I did it. duh. (Not in a bashful way) but I was proud of my own self and I knew it and didn’t feel the need to be praised. It came from internally but didn’t need it externally. Then I came to the US, I worked at a daycare and got into the culture of praising. Now, I know better and thankful that my parents who didn’t know anything about Montessori, still did a great job raising me! I’m definitely learning a lot and would apply this for my future kids! Thank you!!

[@paintingjesus90]

i agree with this, i was 14, and i was called by a lot of my teachers a well rounded artist. my mother is not artistic, but when i showed her my painting she looked at it and just said, "thats nice" it made me feel horrible. but really; i wanted her to say, look at those colors, the hours you put in, and the detail. so its true even as a teen, your kids will desire more of a conversation not just"yay good job" and for you to walk away.

[@LLLLMMMAAO]

Tip number 4 has such a valuable point - it extends to teaching empathy and looking to how our actions influence others. It no longer needs that justification from an authority (which is what people are usually looking for) and keeps us on our toes (unconsciously) about how we approach things. I'm so happy she pointed this out, I knew of it but never put it in words but dang am I so happy she did.

[@princessmiya3442]

I’m going to switch the way I praise my infants at my place of work. Thank you for the video! 💕

[@Kasumistern]

Thank you for the tips! I find it hard sometimes, because I am proud of every little thing my child does and I never know what to say. I don't want to be over the top, but I also don't want him to think I am not super proud of him.

[@luis543pla]

Hello Ashley I'm from Mexico and I love your videos and this one make me notice how difficult is not to praise your child and the way this is so normal in our life, it's difficult to share this thought with the grandparents of our baby but it's amazing the way our kid can react to her goals.

[@djalexutz]

I am so glad I discovered your channel before even getting pregnant. I get to enjoy the content with more than enough time to learn how to apply these methods. I was never fond of children nor did I ever babysit. I never knew how to interact with anyone younger than me basically. Watching your videos is a pure delight because they absolutely make sense. They don't just teach about Montessori, but about child psychology and so much more! Thank you so much and I can't wait for your next video!

[@museumhistory1]

Wonderful! An opportunity to experience the joy and connection of sharing success, having someone be curious about the details of your work, having your effort seen, and support to observe your effects on others (as well as just being happy to get on with it or share a smile).... these aren't just building blocks for intrinsic motivation but will also form the foundation of your child's friendships/partnerships as they become an adult

[@bluepapillon9058]

This video just popped up in my recommendation at the right time.. I have never thought about this, in fact I was doing some of these mistakes and now this makes so much sense. I have noticed that my nephew who is 18th months old, looks for praise or our attention now and then and if we don't react or applaud then he gets irritated. I guess kids these days have more intelligence quotient and they seek accomplishment by our appreciations like some sort of validation. I never saw it in my other nephews or nieces when they were at this age 10yrs back. But now they are all grow up kids and slowly their attitude towards things has also changed because their parents brag or appreciate them every now and then. They don't look for feedback or take pride in doing anything good, they just put in their best form in front of parents. Even learnt to lie and try deceiving their parents at the age of 8. In fact my neighbour constantly praise her daughter and now she is so stubborn that she wants her mom in everything so that she can appreciate her!! Now i know why my parents never bragged about me although other parents wud come and say that they got such a brilliant gal etc etc. They just always smile and tell me that i need to keep working hard and be smart. I guess I turned out pretty well😄. I don't know why i am writing all this stuffs😅. Anyways thanks for sharing these wonderful content. I will now be more careful in choosing words with my nephew and will pass on this information in the family. Wish u and ur family lots of luck and love, Shilpa from India!! ☺

[@coffeelass4553]

My family used praise with me and it did not bode well for me in the long run. I will make sure with my children I will follow your approach. Thank you.

[@ayumi9711]

I just wanted to say thank you for these videos. Not only are they extremely helpful with learning about the Montessori lifestyle, I also get to improve my English. My daughter is 14 months old, I am a pretty young mother and sometimes feel overwhelmed by all that is to learn about raising and educating a child. I just wanna do the right thing and, luckily, with Montessori I have found a way to raise my daughter that completely alignes with my personal instincts. At the beginning I felt insecure when I saw all of these wonderful wooden toys and the tiny furniture and I thought I could never afford this in my small flat and that my child would miss out on these things. That might sound stupid, but I was scared that I could "ruin" her somehow if I did something wrong. I was too hard on myself. Now I am just doing my best to raise her with respect and love, encourage her to grow and learn and try to manage with diy 😄

[@SuperZardo]

Having seen your video, I am now convinced that there is no need to encourage you to make more videos like this, nor will it be necessary to celebrate the making of this wholesome contribution from 3 years ago. Indeed, I believe you are already very proud of yourself for having done so; there is no need to hear anything from me because you already "got this," and you're very likely totally content already, reveling in your own accomplishment. If, after your amazing feat, you happen to read this comment and see my smiley ---> :-)

[@thechildcareentrepreneur]

Yes! Children are people too. They respect being talked to like they have sense. They know when your sincere even at a young age. I like to smile, ask a question, or make a comment that reinforces learning and be specific. Thanks for the reinforcement.

[@tnbsp]

This is so helpful. I’m going to put all these tips on my refrigerator so my husband and I and retrain ourselves! Son is just 5months old and it is SO hard not to say the generic praises and I want to change this. Thank you for the video!

[@MissCagoita]

This is so true, such a good video! Whereas I've been concious for a while that they get addicted to praise and will grow up expecting praise, she expects it from school. She just stares at me and expects me to say it. She directly looks at me and asks: are you proud of me? I will have to focus a lot more to avoid the normal praise and just use your tips instead. Thank you!!!

[@OMG1877]

I need to start doing this with my 20 month old. I noticed she seeks out praise even when she does simple tasks. Growing up, we were constantly praised and it truly does have its affect on me, to this day I crave praise and have an abnormal fear of failure.

[@amandat608]

❤️One of my favorite videos in your Montessori series. I love having specific phrases to practice using. BTW, I am such a sap and teared up when you gave the example of Kylie saying, "Yeah! I worked really hard on it." ☺️

[@kellyjay48]

Thank you for explaining this in a way I can understand. I've struggled to understand this concept for a while but now I get it. I've noticed the anxiety I've experienced could be due to verbal praise given as a child and made me worry I wouldn't be able to do something.

[@Yourstrulyci]

Remarkable and true! I tried explaining this to my family awhile back (I’m the only one that is interested in Montessori) and they all just thought I was mean & never took me serious..

[@dorindakrause5373]

As an educator, I have been aware of the pitfalls of praising for a while and think its a great mindset to have. I now have a baby of my own and I want to follow this methodology in raising him....but oh man is it easier said than done! Even as a 3 month old, I find myself saying "good job" for little things he does. I think we are so conditioned to responding that way. I really appreciate the tips you gave and will definitely be working to incorporate them into my "conversations" with my baby :D

[@RoronoaEmi]

Thank you for sharing this! From my own childhood, I have found that easy praise led to undeserved feelings of grandeur. But even worse, it became empty praise because the actions of one parent were often opposite to the praise given. I might hear "I love you so much" or "I'm so proud of you," but overall I didn't feel either of those things were true based on that parent's overall actions or attitude toward me. I was constantly second-guessing the validity of those praises and was very much a praise junky. My other parent didn't praise as often, but I always felt safe and loved by them because of their positive interactions and receptive attitude. So I loved your tip of just sharing in a smile or happy moment without having to say anything, or being invested in a child's accomplishments by asking about what they did or what they liked best. What's the point of being told "good job" if the parent has no intention of listening or sharing in the excitement? This really helped solidify some feelings I already had toward my own parenting journey soon to begin but that I couldn't put into words.

[@basiabehnke8869]

Love this video! So simple and clearly explained! Last year I’ve read a book of Jesper juul where I heard about this concept. And since I do believe that your attention is the most powerful thing with upbringing child, so I try my best to use presence and encourage words to my child. My MIL does the praising method and I can see how it affects my daughter and husband. She does it because this is her love language- she always says to my daughter “you’re so smart!”, “you’re genius!” or “you’re the most beautiful girl in the world!”. She did the same to her son and now he’s afraid of making mistakes or trying new things because he’s afraid he fails and it’ll show that he is not as excellent as everyone thought. It’s very important topic and I talk a lot about it with my husband, because we want to show to our daughter that trying new things is great even if we don’t master them yet or never. Your advices were just super useful! Thank you!

[@krissylee7363]

my son is three and we give him praise all the time! Everything you said makes sense. Gonna talk this over w the hubby.

[@emilyturville9636]

I’m not even a parent but I loved this video! It’s always felt inauthentic to me to tell children “wow that’s so cool! I love it!” I really prefer the alternatives you offered here today😊

[@mariachristina55]

I took an education psychology course in 3rd year of my undergrad and almost the whole course centred around this whole idea. The idea of intrinsic/extrinsic motivation and what the current research is showing which is exactly what you said! I have a 1 year old and am having SUCH a hard time not praising her!! It’s sooo hard but I know I have to try harder.

[@savannatorres]

Thank you so much for this video! I’ve had to work extremely hard on myself to move past the need for praise because of the way I was raised and learn how to have a growth mindset. I’m due with my first in August and have been practicing these techniques on my husband and mom; it’s amazing how well it works to help them be proud of themselves! It makes my heart so happy! I shared this on my Facebook because I wish for as many people as possible to learn about it!

[@jodidavis3445]

Thank you for sharing this video because praise could really have it's advantage and disadvantage.We as parents really have to be mindful of what we are saying to our children.👍

[@sole_to_soul]

Thank you so much for the specific alternate ways of responding! I found this eye-opening.

[@lilikoijuci]

I love all the phrase examples that you give. Thank you so much! I'm one of those parents working hard at breaking the cycle.

[@BeautifulDreamerK]

Thank you! I finally needed evidence to back up this mentality! My first job was at a child center at the college campus. They never told us to praise the kids outright but to comment on how they achieved something- “you worked so hard on building those blocks! That was amazing!” My FIL overpraises his grand daughter just because: “you’re the best! Yay! Good job! You’re so smart!” And she just sits there. It makes sense why his daughter is so entitled and wanting praise from other all the time and it totally makes sense why she’s like that. Turns on his favorite was his daughter and his sons were not. That’s why they’re not as entitled as she is. That baby will be just like her mama

[@mariadelcarmencalzadillas7526]

This video is amazing! To the viewers I also recommend the book "How to talk so little kids will listen"👍🏽

[@Elvaelvaku]

I grew up in Taiwan so praise is so NOT normal to see when I grew up. So I was having a hard time seeing children be praised by their parents by just saying they are great, or they are doing good jobs! I am not saying Praise is good but it's really making lots of children to be too used to hearing it and expecting it as you said. But after being a parent, I just realized how hard not to praise my own child because it's so easy to just praise a child instead of paying the details to say something nice to encourage my child to improve. Thank you so much for bringing it up to remind us to pay detail attention on our children's behavior

[@daisyadams7972]

I was literally just thinking about this subject and was wanting to research some more information in it. Love it! Thankyou!

[@j.rrabbit]

Thank you for taking the time to make this! It's great to see examples of how to reframe praise so the child can learn self-worth and empathy!

[@marissarashid4755]

I need to take your e-course once I graduate school! I’m not a parent, but I baby sit. Your videos have helped me out tremendously, so I can only imagine the help your e-course will provide!!!

[@maip2005]

So true!! It’s so inherent from society and our upbringing to make praises that it takes conscious effort to make these changes, and you nailed it Ashley... time and effort makes it worth it

[@stephysmilelove]

Wow thank you so much for this! I was just discussing this yesterday with my boyfriend and was looking for ressources to explain my point! Your videos are always straight to the point and so practical!

[@alyshock22]

Just a couple of days ago, our neighbour's nanny kept saying "Good Job" to my toddler. I knew it's not ok and why, we never tell it to our son, so I had to ask her to stop, even tough the situation was awkward. I did give her an explanation.

[@LouRee_]

Ím 23 and don’t even have kids but I learn so much about what kind of mom I wanna be in the future by watching your videos!☺️

[@lavenderpickles6481]

I'm due in September, and I'm trying to find the best method of parenting. This makes a lot of sense! Thank you

[@CarolinaSantos-xj8lm]

Lavender, if you really are seeking the best method, I encourage you to watch the Montessori at home series from this channel. It have been super for me and my husband to raise our little girl following Montessori principles. Ashley also created a super affordable e-course about this!

[@rklebario]

Me too! 22nd!

[@bryanhall1388]

Congratulations!

[@gorgeousk01]

I am a new mom and your video helped me alot. Thank you son much!!!! ❤

[@sfree322]

Oh boy, looks like I’m going to have to learn a whole new language here! I thought I’d been doing a good thing, but now i can see clearly that I am the stereotypical “over-praiser”! I was very resistant to this perception shift until I finished the whole video. It’s so logical and still a very loving way to communicate. I will start practicing my new language today! Thank you for teaching an old dog new tricks.

[@MsPsalm139]

:44 this is me, right now. Thank you so much for not only sharing techniques, but providing the research and philosophy behind those techniques.

[@singleu]

This is helpful Ashley.. my son going to be 3 soon. Me and my family been keep saying "good job" " good boy" for every single thing he does.. and gets so happy to hear that.. and he even says tht to us when we do something good.. When he shows us something he did he really wait and expects us to say good job!.. i dont know how he is going to react when i just stop praising him now!! But i'll use your tips and see! Your explanations makes sense on why we shouldnt be praising the kids.. by the way i have enrolled to your elearning course

[@krystalwade9960]

I love all the examples you give in all of your videos. It makes it soooo relatable and helps in my learning process! Thanks for all your hard work!

[@yvettemartinez6757]

Thank you for this video! Although I am not a parent, I did teach 8th graders for a bit and I can this working for kids of all ages. I think it’s really important to help build in children a sense of self motivation. Thank you again for this video!! ❤️

[@HapaFamily]

Yes, it’s appropriate for kids of all ages!

[@user-bw5ot9gz7v]

this is the most powerful video you've made yet wow! I loved it. I have no kids yet but I love learning. thank you for the content!

[@NanimomBabyFoods]

I never really think of the meanings behind the praise as our perception of giving praises is a form of encouragement, thanks for sharing this & it's inspiring. The moment I'm watching this my daughter came and showing her accomplishment of some mathematic exercise and look at me waiting for my praise, I smiled and say "you got the answers & keep going!"... not sure I have done it in the right way but certainly I may need some practices 😅

[@MsOrnella03]

Where were you 12 years ago when I had my first one. You got yourself a new subscriber, best youtube channel ever

[@NiS172001]

Another great video! I just read about that topic in your online course. Our son is 9 months old. Until now I did not have to deal with praise a lot. But I was already thinking about how to deal with it in the future. Love the 5 alternatives you offered. And the scientific background. I will have to get my husband on board and scientific facts convince him a lot more. Thank you! Will watch that video at least once more.

[@fairdinkumsheila]

Thank you for this clear explanation and for the alternatives of what to say instead, something more productive in the long run. I knew I shouldn't praise (old follower here!) but it wasn't clear to me the consequences of doing it and the healthier ways to recognise our children's efforts while still showing respect and recognition. I'm going to take notes to remind myself and my husband too for our almost 11 months old! I'm working on avoiding the word "no" too and I'm struggling with this but this video and explanation help with that too! I can't wait to get to the point in the fantastic e-course where you deal with this. As always, thank you for also taking the time to create the e-course 💕

[@HannaPramholt]

YEs! I've been doing this with my little one. I've noticed my sister's kids look for praise all the time. For everything! And I tried to make a point of not giving them praise all the time, like ALL THE TIME, but it didn't stick😅

[@kelp7428]

Praise focuses on the Doer (child) and encouragement focuses on the Deed (the effort) and there's a huge difference between them. Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs talked about the same topic in his book "children the challenge" and there is also research about the effect of praise on intrinsic motivation (Dr Dweck) for people who want to go a step further.

[@southlord]

This is interesting. I do not like receiving the "you are so smart"- kind praise. It makes me stop doing what I am doing and it makes me very annoyed. I never thought of why. I am also not confident and I do not like trying new things for being afraid to fail. So... I believe what you are saying is true.

[@angelahill9968]

You described that really well, which was super helpful... err... What that praise? I will have to learn more about this.

[@RosesandShelties]

Wish there was a “love” button! I was very interested in this topic after watching your Positive Discipline video and wanted to learn more! ❤️

[@jadeshenellexox]

I totally believe what you’re saying but it’s so hard to wrap my mind around lol I’m so used to giving praise but I totally see your point!

[@ericagarcia6925]

I find myself doing a combination of praise and conversation. Especially with my students, I teach Intro art to high schoolers and I focus a lot on critique and constructive criticism but I do often say things like "good job" but I follow it with more substance and explanation. I try to do the same thing with my step daughters (5 & 7). Not so much my 6 month old quite yet. I've studied a lot on Dweck when I was in school and it has stuck with me, the growth mindset type. I try really hard to give my students and my kids feedback in ways that reflect that. This was an insightful video!

[@taoranle2011]

I have been watching a lot of your videos. I have a toddler and an infant too. This is the best video so far 💕

[@judykamunyu233]

I accidentally bumped into this video today. Thank you so much for sharing. Watching all the way from Kenya.

[@aidah7847]

thanks to you... dear Ashley... u r a great mom(praise !!🙄) this was exactly the thing i was in search for few days.... i have been doing this ☹️to my now six yr old ..... hope its not too late to mend them out.... v r learning a lot from you❤️

[@HapaFamily]

Never too late! 🥰

[@dark0lica]

LOVED IT! I have been training myself to no give so much praise, but its though work! This gave me more tools to keep at it!

[@annakarinanavasoriano1879]

This makes so much sense! I was raised the opposite way and found it more confusing than helpful. It’s true though that requires more emotional engagement, as these work if they are sincere, so it forces you to be present. I love the tips, thanks!

[@kavithasajeev8421]

Im glad that I have subscribed to your vlog.. Each time you upload a new video I am learning a new information, a new method to raise my child.. Thank you so much for all your effort❤

[@jessihogan1679]

On this same topic, I’d love to hear your take on children apologizing and how best to handle it. I encourage/insist that my 2.5 year old to apologize to her baby sister (and anyone else) when she pushes her or accidentally throws something that hits her etc. Generally, she’ll apologize and I say good job, although I don’t feel that is the best response from me. Also, sometimes she gets emotional when she needs to apologize, I never make her feel shameful about it, I try to always make it a comfortable experience. I’d love your take on this topic! Thanks!

[@jennylhenry78]

You could just say thank you to her (instead of good job). We ask ours to say 3 things: I'm sorry. I was wrong for X. Will you forgive me? 🙂

[@sarahpfeuffer1396]

Thank you for explaining the negative effects of praising a child.

[@jessaleeb198]

I'm so glad you did this video! I need to really work on this. Thanks Ashley!

[@margauxborgonos7797]

Yeah im a mom who always praise. Thank u for this!! I will apply to ito my 1 yr old son 😍

[@jessicachen3966]

Love this. It's a real struggle to get family to excited this even if they agree with the approach. I'm hoping the examples you give will help them get consistent about nonpraise.

[@briannawright6460]

I’m so happy you have made an ecourse!! I’ve been watching and reading all sorts of stuff and your course will help a ton to simplify and know where and how to start. Thank you!!

[@Pyro_Chick]

I have noticed this! The amount of times my kiddo has stopped doing something she was praised for is ridiculous 😂. I'll be more watchful, but I'm fairly certain I've switched to this subconsciously 😂

[@llyg4848]

I think it’s important for kids to feel validated and know that they are loved and this is done so by praise an affection, because at the end of the high self esteem is what will help them conquer confidence in gaining new skills in life.

[@claudiajade624]

Have to say, was abit sceptical at first, but I do really like the way that instead of just plain, non engaged (or over the top, disingenuous) praise, is more engaging, and still facilitates the child feeling proud, but in a different way. Defs something to try and incorporate ✔️