Mourning Process Post Autism Diagnosis

So many people fight tooth and nail over finally being able to get that formal diagnosis in order to learn more about ourselves, validate our experiences & identity, and to finally seek the help we need. We see a diagnosis as a huge break-through moment. A weight lifted off our shoulders. That light at the end of the tunnel. We see it as liberation--in many ways it is. It can be extremely helpful and validating...sometimes even a luxury, to receive a diagnosis. But this shouldn't take away from the fact that there is a very real mourning process a lot of people go through as well after being diagnosed with Autism.
Don't be afraid or ashamed of those feelings of anger, resentment, and grief of your past Self that may come up. Honor those feelings and sit with it. Integrate those lessons with great care. Then pick yourself back up and live your life!
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[@thethoughtspot222]

I just wanted to clarify that when I mention “I am not flawed” throughout the video, I’m specifically referring to my Autistic traits that I had previously thought were just humanistic flaws that needed to be fixed. I of course, realize that in generaI I am a human and have flaws that I will always be working on throughout my life.🧡

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

@@pateckaaron7013 best treatment...keep looking. donna says keep looking.....

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

you have said it well... good on ya... I guess your too young to feel suicidal. Life is not about fairness..its about what you come to experience.

[@user-kg4tl8or5z]

Oh my, I cried through this video. This has been my experience with females as well. My conclusion is they are jealous, for some reason this made me feel better, and that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. Boys and men have always liked me, which doesn’t help with that.

[@NeraMT84]

@@gothboschincarnate3931 What is too young to feel suicidal? That sounds silly to me considering my first suicidal thoughts started when I was 12, and I know someone who I'm pretty sure had earlier ones than that

[@jenniebeez]

I have similar experiences being autistic and being diagnosed at age 31. I had to go through (and still am) mourning my past self. I want to hug her and tell her everything is okay and it wasn't her fault. In my day to day life now I try and honour her by living as authentically as I can. 💗🌱 It's a long and hard journey but one worth going on.

[@thethoughtspot222]

Amazing!! So happy to hear this

[@raven4090]

I'm going to try that. Thanks for the idea. I sometimes talk to my child self and tell her things I wish people had said to me when I needed comfort or love.

[@thijsjong]

What I wanted was the ability to fit in with groups without changing myself to fit in better. Even more I want the ability to connect on a more intimate level with my s.o. There always seems to be a distance a last veil we cannot pierce. Something that keeps us apart. Is it autism related or is it the human condition. Would it be easier to feel it out or work it out if I was neurotypical. I think there is no way of knowing as there is no cloning machine where I can clone myself + a neurotypical version if myself and release them in the wild and watch how they are doing and compare 🙃

[@timbob1145]

@thijsjong I'm not diagnosed autistic or anything else, but have done a lot of introspection due to various difficult times in life, social interactions, misunderstanding people, poor relationship with a parent, 'romantic' relationships, what I assume is a form of depression from being drained etc... Probably about time I went to therapy, but have never had time and have made excuses not to... That time is looking near. Sorry, was trying to justify having an opinion on your comment, sharing that I'm not just throwing a generic unfounded comment at you. I think the only possible way to break barriers is to have calm, straight forward and thoughtful communication. To really try to express your feelings, particularly when they are difficult to understand or express yourself. I'm sure you have already done much of this, having a healthy relationship already, but you can only continue. If you fear being judged or a negative response then you must continue to work through that too. You also have to continue to place your trust in your significant other and be open to receiving their responses. If their reply is questionable to you, you will have to try to continue the discussion, in order to reach that better mutual understanding. But also, no one can be 100% perfect, whatever perfect is. Neither you or your partner. Having said all that, there is no pressure to force yourself to continue this process unless you know it is coming from within and isn't an external expectation. Of course anyone wanting deep connection with a loved one must be willing to concede some of themselves, not necessarily permanently and not to the point that it feels inauthentic, but I find it deeply satisfying to do things for the people I love, especially when I can see they are struggling, definitely wasn't always the case. However, maybe it is just that you feel there is more you can do because you care so much. Maybe that is just misplaced guilt that you are not doing the best you can, if that is the case then the mere fact that you are asking these kinds of questions shows you care a great deal and, in my opinion, sounds like you got this all under control. I hope this is of some use to you and I didn't ramble too much. If you have any opinions on my opinions 😂 please let me know and if I spoke in a patronising way at all then please please please tell me... I'm still learning. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

ive mourned my self for 5 years. Think I'm done. I have karra and Donna. I think I'm done with humanity.

[@scottonu]

I’m self diagnosed ASD and I’m definitely in a mourning process. It’s been a battle in my life to just exist. I’m grateful that I have a partner to push me to look into this because I would’ve went through the rest of my life thinking I was “damaged.” I’ve realized the way we think is amazing. Masking makes me feel like I’m in a never ending movie lol. ASD is absolutely beautiful and brilliant. A friend of mine told me I’m a gift and so is everyone in this comment section! #wordup

[@scottonu]

@@pulsar3483 thank you!

[@misce_]

[@pastsubstance2930]

Bullying in the workplace is a real thing. I felt so undervalued at my previous job that I had to quit. It’s still traumatic to me but it was the final nail and I remember my coworkers gathering together to discuss important changes to which I couldn’t be a part of despite showing up and trying to be a part of these changes. That day when I saw them talking and saying goodbye to me at the end of my shift. I just cried throughout my entire walk home. I felt so belittled knowing the hours and hard work I spent trying to move up in my career only to be told I couldn’t because of my social awkwardness- it broke me. The irony is that I have a communications degree because I knew I was bad at it! Anyways, I got a official diagnosis after this event and I was so upset at how the workforce treats autistic people. I’m relieved but I definitely resonate with the anger.

[@pokelover02]

I’m so sorry you went through that. I went through a similar experience, but it was with my previous boss. He was extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative. It negatively affected my whole team. I was retaliate against once I asked HR for accommodations, and that’s when I knew I had to leave. I was diagnosed shortly after that. The whole experience really made me lose faith in humanity because I was working at a place that kept saying it supported diversity and inclusion. Turns out even a place that preaches about DEI can be ableist 😓

[@strictnonconformist7369]

@@pokelover02 the most toxic place I've worked at as an adult (this was in 2012) claimed out their wazoo they embraced diversity but it darkly amused me that they were such a cult of personality and a pack of animals that only embraced the form of diversity they were: I didn't reveal my diagnosis to any of them, it couldn't have gone well, I believe. I ended up getting fired. That was a huge relief! It was contract-to-hire. The (mis-)manager commented that I was very intense and... quirky. She was a bully. Should I ever find her in my sphere of influence for employment, considering the constructive dismissal she created for me and the whole environment she created, I'd make sure she got fired, out of self-defense, and (perhaps, admittedly well-deserved) revenge. Some people should never be put in charge of others.

[@keylanoslokj1806]

Nornies are all about their hierarchies, fake pleasantries and emotions. They don't care about actual work.. .

[@cherrypop4675]

Thank you for making this video. My friends would ask me why I wanted to be autistic when I started discussing my diagnostic process with them. It seemed like no one understood and even a few years later I’m still not sure if they do. Plus even with the formal diagnosis it’s been hard to accept myself. I think this kind of thing needs to be discussed more especially among women.

[@shylathiel]

I experienced that from people also. My diagnosis was late at 37 years old. Now I am 40, at this point I am happy to know, it has helped me understand myself even more. I also knew before anyone else that it was autism. I searched for answers of why am I like this, and around 35 I realized it may be this.

[@misce_]

Omg so true. The sentence "but why would you want to be autistic ?" has been said to me SO MANY times. Like mates, it's not a choice, duh. I don't especially "want" or "not want", but rather trying to understand myself !! This is really so frustrating.

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

you said it! that's very correct. men are just abandoned....

[@elizebeths.8880]

​@@gothboschincarnate3931 Why? Men are the ones who get help more than women because of how the standards were initially built.

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

@@elizebeths.8880 no..they dont. We are ignored entirely. I am tired of being neglected!

[@fernweatherfriend]

something i’ve had to mourn after coming to terms with being autistic is the fact that being semi-verbal isn’t something i need to overcome. for my entire childhood, it was seen as something i would grow out of, that i just had to try hard enough to work through, when that’s honestly impossible at times. now that i’ve accepted this as part of who i am, i’ve realized that it makes me a very avid listener and observer of the world. because my mutism is caused by overwhelming sensory situations, i’m always on the lookout for things that may make me overwhelmed, which makes me very aware of my environments and the people around me in a way that i think is important. i notice the little things, from rocks on the ground to the subtle frown of one of my friends when they’re having a bad day and trying to hide it. my autism enhances my life and i think that’s beautiful.

[@TheStitchWitchPodcast]

agree with you fully, words cant express how clearly and eloquently you verbalized my thoughts. im mourning the loss of support I should have had, the person I would have become given proper education. nothing was wrong w me and I had no reason to keep forcing myself to be a certain way when it was clear from the get that I was wired differently. I am angry and mourning the fact that society did not see my obvious signs, that no one bothered to ask questions, and that medical professionals have been dismissive. I am angry at how much time I "wasted" in pushing myself using the wrong methods, and thinking about how all my drive for self improvement could have just ACTUALLY improved my self had I had good resources that were autism friendly. its still hard to accept but I am at least self loving and confident enough to know this finally is a light at the end of the tunnel and my questions have finally been answered. succinctly, albeit late.

[@kajsa6358]

I love myself, I really do. And I cry for my younger self when I remember how depressed I was and how lonely I felt. For anyone reading this, who might be going through a hard time. Just know that it can get so much easier to breath, I know everyone says it and it sounds like a lie. But it isn't, I went from that feeling to where I am now, and you can too. ❤

[@jessem317]

I was just diagnosed with autism at 50. When I look back, I see how “fricked” up it was growing up in the 80s. Also I see why my communication never came across clearly & why I was passed over for promotions. I have a lot of deep anger that I’m seeking therapy & support for.

[@friedeyeball]

This really hit deep. I've also spent my entire life blaming myself. My family didn't understand me, I struggled to make friends, and then when I did make "real" friendships (that I thought were real) they'd fall apart over time because they'd get angry I didn't message enough, or didn't go to their parties, or struggled with "spontaneously coming over," that the way I wanted to address conflicts (directly, with meaningful change) was grating, and the fact that they promised me things that they didn't follow up on and I kept asking what was going on, presented to them as me being hostile in some way, like I was holding a grudge. I'm still early in the process of realizing it was autism that was the barrier, because I tried so hard and was so confused. I'm still blaming myself a little bit, but I'm trying to change my perspective and to say, "it's not that I didn't do things that hurt them, but also they were not kind or tolerant people, and they avoided difficult conversations and instead pointed the finger at me and said "why can't you be the way I want you to be? you're not worth it if you can't." Thank you for sharing your feelings because I really truly relate. I'm sorry you had to be ostracized for being who you are.But I do think being different is what made me so kind and accepting towards others, and I'm very grateful that I'm that way instead of the way these other people were.

[@patriciaarmfadelicatelife]

Gosh, I could relate with everything you said. Not long time ago - before the diagnosis - I made a "friend" that I was really happy and excited about it. Some time after she said "it's nothing personal, but I need more positivity in my life, and when you can't go out or answer my texts immediately, it brings negativity to my day". And it hurts so much 'cause during my life I heard so much from other girls an women things like "you're sweet/cool/kind, but". Yeah, but there's something that's not my fault and I'm just learning now. It's so overwhelming.

[@raven4090]

I self diagnosed before getting formally diagnosed, but I believe if someone has done the research and has self diagnosed, they are valid and should be treated with respect and love. I'm in a burnout and extremely depressed about all the things I missed out on because of being autistic and not being able to fit in no matter what. Like not passing interviews for good jobs that would have been right for me because of their stupid biases and such, that I didn't even know about. I also was taught from an early age that I wasn't worth anything and to just accept abuse. I tried to fix myself too. My mom told me once, "You deserve to be bullied because you're different." Even though I tried so hard NOT to be different. Now, at 59 years old I'm suddenly finding myself feeling angry at those mean people. I think the only way I'm going to get over feeling angry at them, is to be for a while. I know one day I'll be done feeling angry at them and move on. And when I do, I will never accept abuse or bullying again. I'll also continue to defend other people I see being abused. I hate injustice!

[@wendywalker7495]

I have tried to get a job at big box hardware stores, because I would be perfect in the garden department, with years of experience. However, they have you take a stupid psychological test that I fail everytime. You cannot ask me something like, "If you see a co worker doing drugs, would you report him/her?" Like how do you answer that? We're they off work at the time? Are they your immediate supervisor? What is the policy on drug use and is it a safe environment to go to HR? I put, yes I would report it, and answered truthfully on all the questions, but I didn't pass. Made me so mad. Second time, I fudged a little on the answers to see if it would change and I still didn't pass. Another home center job I applied for as a teen, I was told I would have to be a party girl, like what does that mean? The girls there were all slutty. I am 59 now and so disillusioned with all of life.

[@raven4090]

@@wendywalker7495 That's heartbreaking. I applied for some jobs I would have been perfect for too, didn't get them but they never told me why. Probably similar reasons. I hate those stupid tests. My son doesn't do well on them either. It's like they're made just to weed out good people. Their loss.

[@gabidiverso]

​@@pateckaaron7013you are spam, I see you on other places.

[@avengedprophet1559]

Feel that a lot. Especially the part about accepting abuse because of a negative self image, though for me this problem was created after a traumatic moment in school where almost everyone started to backstab me when I tried to stand up for myself once. That‘s a terrible feeling, but unfortunately it‘s very powerful and leads to lots of inner pain while it looks fine on the outside because you’re unlikely to stand up for yourself again.

[@raven4090]

@@avengedprophet1559 I'm sorry you had to go through that.

[@TheCagedCorvid]

What you said about people not liking you and taking against you but nobody, not even them, being able to explain or understand why, is my entire social experience. I'm 43 and was diagnosed 2 years ago, but I had given up on people long before that...

[@umbasamufasa9676]

this video is 2 years old but I am 35 and just received my clinical diagnosis today and I just wanted to let you know that your channel and content have helped guide me on my own personal journey and appreciate the work you do... Now that I have been formally diagnosed with ASD, ADHD and Major Depressive Disorder I am excited to begin my own journey towards healing myself. Thank you for being such a positive person in the neurodivergetnt space and being so open for others that may be feeling they could be on the spectrum.

[@LanaS-jj9qh]

The bullying starts in the home its taught to children through media as well. Its really such a reflection of them & how bitter & twisted some people can be inside.

[@Hi_Im_Akward]

I pretty recently got diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. I also have CPTSD. I have been doing a lot of processing and thinking and mourning. This video really hit on some key things I've been going over in my head and its so similar to what I've gone through and experienced and still sometimes experience or see others who are probably autistic go through. It also hits on a lot of things I've been mourning about my PTSD. There have been a lot of things that were completely out of my control, where, even if I did have a diagnosis would probably still have happened... and I'm really angry about it. I'm really angry with the people who treated me this way and I have this giant mess of mental illness and trauma processing I have to through and unlearning things.. but none of these crappy things were my fault. I still believe in compassion and empathy and treating people with kindness. I don't want bitterness to get to me, I don't want to continue the abuse cycle. I want to put out into the world what I didn't receive. Thank you for your video, this exactly something I needed to watch and hear. I think its easy to start feeling alone when grieving or when in a negative headspace. I'm happy you shared this to help myself and others feel less alone and validate that experience and that mourning process.

[@clicheguevara5282]

I wasn’t diagnosed until I was about in my late 30s - and by then I’d developed some pretty severe C-PTSD from a lifetime of masking and isolation. At first, I was self diagnosed and _proud of it_ because I’d been completely misdiagnosed and even abused by psychiatry my whole life. “Expert opinions” don’t mean much to me at this point. ..and if anyone is capable of accurate self diagnosis, it’s a highly intelligent, obsessive autistic person. 🤣 I spent years researching autism and discussing it with my therapist before I decided that I truly fit the profile. I took it *very* seriously. ..but I was very careful about telling people because I didn’t want to be accused of “faking it”. It’s Tik Tok trendy to be autistic and/or suffer from PTSD nowadays. Social media influencers have even been busted faking autism for likes and clout.

[@sarahkowalski2300]

Oh my gosh, the girl click things. I'm a 27 yo woman recently with an ASD diagnosis, and the SAME thing made me leave my last job. I just wanted to do the job, but no one would help me. It's also been a theme in my life and I didn't realize it until now. Thank you for this video!

[@TilisuAOL]

I was diagnosed when I was 45 years old. It’s been seven years, and I can’t take care of myself, and I live in fear every day. As a female, I know how to “mask” but due to a traumatic experience, I’ve regressed. I have an official diagnosis “on paper” but I have no family or friends to protect me from being exploited and manipulated and abused, physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally. I’m so tired, and although I live in the states, in NY, I get no protection or support. I don’t know how to navigate this world, and it takes everything in me to not give up on life.

[@SpicyPretzel]

I am crying with you Irene... I just found out this week and I have wanted a diagnosis and wished I had one earlier to protect myself from bullying...

[@gabidiverso]

​@pateckaaron7013spam!!!

[@TheSarahmns]

I think we both have/had similar mourning themes, but one thing that has really stuck with me is some things some friends, family and professors said to me about not trying hard enough, about having so much potential and not working hard enough to reach it and it makes me so sad that these moments made me feel such immense guilt through out my life when I had no ideia I had audhd. your videos have helped me sooooo so much. they've been my auditory stim in the last few days and it's so comforting here. your voice is so comforting!!

[@professionalangel]

same !

[@NiinaSKlove]

I was bullied too. For nine years. Physically and psychologically/emotionally. The teachers even bullied me (not physically, but psychologically and emotionally.) I had to (still am) build myself up again, using all of my late teens to early adulthood to do so. It has cost me so much on so many levels. - That said, I do feel stronger today, having been to hell and actually come out on the other side. I made it through all of that hardship. I’ve been through shit outside if the bullying in school too, and it sucked so much. 😭 Today I feel blessed having beautiful friends and a deeper understanding of myself and not to mention myself with an autism diagnosis! It made all the difference, getting my diagnosis. 😊 I love being on the spectrum (most of the time 😅) and I love the fact that there’s an online community out there, with other autistic people that we can connect with. 🌼🌼🌼🌼🙌🏼

[@gusjohnston9599]

thank u sm for making this video! i’ve been self diagnosed for about a year and just got my formal diagnosis. i feel like a lot of my mourning has passed now or it’s at least gotten lighter. i did most of it before the formal diagnosis and it honestly made my bpd + cptsd really bad. i was so sad that i wasn’t like my allistic friends. i wished i could be like them and wished i still had the energy to try to mask and fit in. but the burnout was so strong it forced me to come to terms with it. i went thru the phase of rereading my past chapters and it was so incredibly painful to realise all of the bullying, abuse and countless SA was because i’m different. i’ve always been so ashamed of my sensitivity, emotional dysregulation & naivety. but lately i’ve started to feel love for those differences. it makes me so emotionally intelligent. so understanding of those around me. and i cherish that part of me. realising ur autistic / getting diagnosed etc is so bittersweet. but it’s allowed me to find love for myself i never thought i would find. it’s brought me peace. i’m so grateful that i discovered this about myself. i think another thing that isn’t spoken about is the loss of friends once u realise ur autistic / get diagnosed. i have lost several friends in the process and it’s so sad but i guess it’s all about finding the ppl who cherish and understand u for the real u. unmasking is hard and scary and comes with loss and change but i’m so grateful that i’m more me than i have ever been. if anyone reads this, thank u for reading. sending so much love n healing to anyone who sees this

[@karlaschauer5409]

I am 25 and have just started to accept that I am probably autistic and adhd and I experience a lot of these moments of looking back and reframing memories. As a child, I always felt like I was able to relate and empathize with everyone and nobody was able to relate to me or understand me. I felt so alone with my struggles and I wish I could go back and hug me and tell me that I am not alone in this.

[@stevenapoli508]

I stumbled on your videos at the perfect time. I am 43 years old and have never felt connected to people and always felt the need to overly explain who i am hoping someone would just get me. Well no one really has. I have 1 amazing special friend who has been by my side for the past 30 plus years. No one will ever know me as well as she does. She has literally watched my struggle and has always been and done the best she could to help thru my depression and almost uncontrollable urge to isolate. With her as a reference we had this pretty deep talk and long story short she told me that she would help me figure this out. Just us. Im thankful everyday for her. However so many people seemed so invested and seem to say all the words but just ghost or dissolve away. I had this recently happen with someone i really liked. Losing another person after ivesting so much has left me absolutely crushed to my soul too many times. I just assumed i was overly emotional. I also realized no one seemed to love or care the way i do. Hearing you talk about the Meyers briggs test and the advocate was like you were explaining me. I am not sure what it means for me. I have powered thru and wore a mask my whole life. But having some kind of explaination to why patterns seem to repeat and relationships have always been so hard. This all makes sense to my core. Def is scary but nothing has ever resonated w me like this. Thank you so much for putting this info out.

[@bethanythatsme]

Thank you for sharing. I relate to this so very much

[@Thefairyvixen]

I also relate to this so much. Not formally diagnosed but just recently started therapy. Hoping to get answers soon.

[@thecollectordude9956]

Thank you so much. I'm 41 and growing up in the 80s no one knew about autism. Unfortunately my family having no idea about my autism often would put me down, and tell me all the time how I was weird and to just stop being weird so I could fit in better. As a result I had to cut off all ties with my father and older sibling because they were just too toxic for my mental health. After finding out about my condition I was also filled with with outrage because I then knew no matter how hard I tried I could never be the person they expected me to be. We have to be careful not to become bitter people because of being bullied or shunned. There are actually good people in this world and we have to keep that in mind.

[@bethanythatsme]

Agreed. Greetings and well wishes from an AuDHD gal in Oregon 🌲🌊🦉🍄

[@sonoftorin]

I am so glad I watched this video. I almost scrolled by. I am new to my autism journey. I only truly began to suspect I was autistic less than a year ago, and only began researching it in earnest just over the last couple of weeks. I was bullied as a child, too, and this is probably the first time I have ever heard anyone else express a sentiment I have always held: I have never been able to fathom how someone could be mean to someone just for the sake of being mean. Like you said, when someone is different, I am attracted to that and want to get to know them. Thank you.

[@johnbillings5260]

I know exactly what you mean about people giving you crap over trying to find answers to help yourself. They want you to be more productive, but they think it will magically happen.

[@wendywalker7495]

Wait, the question, "Why would anyone want this diagnosis?" does not fit for me. I think having the diagnosis would validate all the stuff I have dealt with since the day I was born. If I did not get the diagnosis, then I would be left with nothing, no reason for why I have literally struggled my whole life with awkwardness, rejected relationships, inability to cope with too many stressors, sensitivity to sounds, smells and situations and so on. So yes, I would like this diagnosis to give me the understanding and resources I have craved all my life. It would really help me emotionally right now, because I feel like giving up and curling into a ball right now.

[@tacsman]

I always wondered why I was disliked everywhere I went. Like no matter which job I had, school I attended, no one could be bothered to say "hello" back to me. I'm 38 years old and I mourn the connections I couldn't have, the friends I never made, the time that didn't have to be spent alone.

[@thijsjong]

I think if you have asd and you are normal passing or close to it. Telling people you have autism does not help. Some people will start looking for flaws or start blaming something going wrong on your autism when that is not the cause. Sometimes it may be someone you know longer and they say I would not have guessed. If you are neurotypical passing does not mean you do not have autism. Your masking can be effective and exhausting at the same time. You can function normally. But at home crash and burn. Or have periods of exhaustion and depression.

[@7Nebulae7]

I doubt that I will seek ASD diagnosis any time soon, maybe not ever. But I do think that an official diagnosis of any condition, ilness etc gives you a sense of validation that you can't get without an diagnosis. For my physiological illnesses official diagnoses have given the sense of certainty in myself as well as the sense of not being a hypocondriac in my own or in others' eyes. A diagnosis, even though they can sometimes be incorrect, gives the person a kind of closure in the sense that there is an explanation as to why things are the way they are. It helps the person to accept things and move on. Uncertainty always leaves a person hanging in the between so to speak.

[@MartianGirl347]

I recall you mentioning that autistic females are often misdiagnosed with BPD. I would definitely appreciate a video explaining why it happens. I have done a tiny bit of research on it myself, but a video would definitely be helpful! I have not been officially diagnosed with autism, and I'm not really sure I ever will (due to time and money constraints)... but if I do decide to pursue a diagnosis, I want my case to be rock-solid so I can avoid misdiagnosis. I have received an ADHD diagnosis, and once I got that taken care of, things started to.... become much clearer, and I started to notice a lot of autistic traits in myself. I worry that I won't be taken seriously, as many women (like yourself) often are not. I really enjoy and relate to your videos! You are appreciated! :)

[@polymloth]

I’m not sad about being different but about everyone else being different. Because for most of my life I was driven by the goal of sharing all the beauty I see in the world with everyone else. But no one ever seemed to relate to me. And now I know that they just… can’t, no matter how much I try, because they don’t experience colours and sounds and the complexity of human self-expression the way I do. And that makes me sad. But I’m happy to be able to experience this world the way I do. Even though it is equally lonely and tiring as it is beautiful.

[@ericwelvaert4780]

When I finally got my diagnosis, I realized that some things would always be difficult to impossible for me, no matter how much I tried. I rarely blame other people. They have their own personal problems I do not know about, and, in the case of my school bullies, they were still children themselves. In any case, I can't change anything about them. The only one I thought I could change was myself. My diagnosis made it clear that, for a large part, this is impossible. That was my reason for mourning. Internalizing everything that happened to me really made me dislike myself, and I still have trouble excepting myself as I am.

[@Spacecadet499]

Idk how to get out of me being angry that i had so many missed opportunities and feel lonely af like i dont exist , i noticed I’ve gotten more help and results being angry when i was taken advantage of and this is fueling it even more that I’m getting the things i need by showing anger otherwise I’m not taken seriously . It’s a slippery slope though I can either be taken seriously or ppl will think I’m unhinged . I feel like i exist as a stepping stool or a single step on a ladder for neurotypicals or greedy ppl to climb higher and i watch them climb higher not looking back.

[@Nozferatu46]

I'm lucky. My insurance was fine with me getting assessed (even though I'm in my late 40s), and I managed to get through the entire process in about 3 months after I got the ball rolling with my regular psychiatrist. I just got officially diagnosed on the Autism spectrum a week ago, and have gone through so many mixed emotions on it. Validation, mourning, anger... such a wild ride.

[@gbail9566]

It's so hard to wrap. Being validated by knowledge leads to grief even if baseline is depressed. Counter intuitive

[@chimeracleshappen]

😭💖 I feel all of this more completely than I know how to communicate. I have been playing your videos over & over, even while I sleep. This is the 1st time, in my entire 40 years, I have ever felt absolutely understood. I keep crying, releasing pressure like steam coming out of a boiling kettle... audibly wailing everytime I hear you talk about very specific similarities. I'm a Pisces too (Feb 19th)... INFJ... etc. I was certain I was alone. Having female friends has felt impossible. When you were talking about masking/camouflaging... all of that too. Pretty much everything I've heard you talk about. It's been surreal. I even used to live in the bay. I need to find someone who can properly diagnose my ADHD and ASD. I haven't seen anybody that seemed to get me, since I moved and stopped being able to be seen at Women's Community Clinic. I'm wondering if maybe I can get MediCal to let me see somebody in the bay or LA, for assessments... there's nobody, that I can find, on the CC.

[@argee97]

You have these stages of mourning as a parent of a child that has had a diagnosis at a young age too. It’s called 5 stages of acceptance. Thank you for being so honest and being this topic to the forefront :-)

[@m-ilyewren]

An extended campaign of bullying that I remained open to because they were important to my now-husband led to the first extended burnout of my life after 22 months, and that burnout led me to an autism identification at 41. I've been dealing with dysautonomia issues since my early teens, but this experience bloomed that into full chronic illness. 4.5 years in, I am ever increasing grateful to have a frame that fits, and people such as yourself validating so many aspects of my core experiences. I have a half-sibling who has always found all my autistic traits repulsive. I don't have words yet for that emotion mix of grief/anger and relief from confusion and hopeless love. Anyhow I want to tell you I've just recently discovered your channel and I really appreciate that you address many things I haven't encountered outside of my own experience, and the tiny detail that you don't have a stock audio intro. Thanks for doing your doings.

[@TheBecstar16]

I had exactly the same realisation. I got heavily bullied at school ane got told i was too much. I tried so hard to change and throught I deserved it and it was my fault. The momment i realised it wasnt my fault was very emotional. I believed that i deserved bad things but that wasnt true

[@Sean-ni4qy]

Just diagnosed yesterday and I've been crying on and off all day reflecting on my life. I really could've used this knowledge 20 years ago. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. I've never met you but I suddenly felt more human and understood.

[@leethorpeiswhoiam2216]

Was diagnosed level 2 on the 24th of January. Since then it's been a steady stream of, "let's get you some counseling". As if that can give me back 40 years. It's comforting in a cathartic sort of way to know that, feeling as if I was wronged isn't an isolated thought. That said, the diagnosis delivered no relief, only painful reminders. You find out there's something that should have been addressed and tended to so long ago, like a bone setting improperly. I haven't gotten to the actual grief part yet. There's only anger and hurt. I hope to be free of it someday. That said, I hope you and everyone in the comments find the support and fulfillment you deserve :)

[@ashmac87]

All of us in the comments should be friends ❤

[@jeremiahbrown1159]

I masked for 34 years - I knew I was semi-pretending to be like everyone else. My sister's dad died when I was young and I watched her hide her feelings with humour so I followed her lead. My mask became so strong I could blend in anywhere - but never had a real friend except the narrative voice I spoke to myself through. I get overwhelmed by the smallest things sometimes but in incredibly stressful situations I disassociate and can do better than any of my peers. I developed a special interest in behavioral health and was learning about autism - the discovery was clear. It described every thing I had ever experienced. I went into a frenzy of self discovery and became nonverbal until I could find my own words to describe it. In the months following I killed my mask. I likened it to how niche said God is dead and there is no one to clean up all the blood. So many traumas needed reprocessed - but this time with my words and my feelings. It's scary and I cry every time I explain it. Even though the other person probably doesn't understand at all. It's an identity crisis - like wait, who am I? I feel like I've done the wrong thing for so long that I just want someone to hold my hand and guide me through it... But also afraid of falling into the same trap of putting on a play for acceptance. I stim constantly, now... Always did... but now it's a conscious decision to help me process what I'm going through. I know things will get easier and my end result may have less friends, which is also sad. To be honest I never really had long lasting friends to begin with so that won't actually be any different. Dare I say it like a pokemon evolution where I feel so different after the experience. I remember my past life but I'm a new person now - some of my abilities are stronger than ever while some are gone forever... I wouldn't even go by the same name if it was culturally appropriate to change such things. My wife has been so accepting and a real eye opener to how lucky I really am. Stay strong everyone ❤

[@jenthejen]

coming back to this vid at a really difficult time. i feel stuck in a cycle of reevaluation and its taking up so much mental energy that i quit work so i can finish school. thank you for this

[@aroset]

38yo. Just diagnosed AuDHD. Two things I really connected with with was I'm in the anger phase and I keep thinking... 'I hate that I feel I have to tell people I have this, to gain kindness. Kindness should be a given.' Also, I've always found myself blunt and straight forward. I'm a great communicator, but it can make people very uncomfortable. Rather than seeing it as a bug, I use that trait as a feature to show people communicating can be easy and straight forward. I feel you so deeply on the reflection on all the chapters on your life. One thing I struggle with is one of my lifetime special interests has been human behaviour, and psychology. So I know why everyone does everything, and rather than angry I feel sad. I want to shake them from that "clone vibe" you spoke about. We need to show the world what colour and greatness is here. Thank you so much for your videos. Still going through them but I relate deeply. I really appreciate your vulnerability.

[@aurora_vibrations]

Awh Irene, I have also had some pretty terrible work experiences and like you, I didn't understand why I was being treated that way by other women🥺. At the end of last year, after coming to the conclusion that I am most likely autistic, I honestly went through a very dark period in my life and a level of depression I haven't dealt with in years. What helped pull me through was hearing my partner explain that he genuinely loves everything about me, quirks and all. After allowing myself to mask less and embrace stimming (I repeated words/noises and fidgeted A LOT when I was younger but was always encouraged to sit/stay still and be quiet...I didn't realize until 30+ years later though what a difference it makes with calming me down and relieving anxiety), I now feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This journey to realization, despite it being an intense emotional rollercoaster, has helped me to finally understand and accept myself 💕.

[@nubiannerd]

The initial feelings of liberation that accompanied my autism spectrum diagnosis a few months ago has now given way to mourning. I've struggled with feelings of anger and sadness on behalf of my younger self. Thank you for the reminder that I'm not alone.

[@leroythecoffeegeek4611]

Thank you for making this video. It’s a relief to hear that this experience is not uncommon as that’s what I’m in the middle of at the moment. To be clear I am yet to receive a formal diagnosis, but after my daughter was diagnosed with autism a few months ago it has become quite clear that it’s highly likely that I too am autistic. I have now done about a dozen online self assessments and they have all returned results showing that I have a high level of autistic traits. I turn 47 tomorrow and at this point in my life it is a real curveball. I’ve seen, heard and read a number of autistic adults discussing autism online saying that an adult diagnosis can be an awesome thing and while it can open the floodgates it is usually a revelation and a good thing, but I am yet to feel anything like this. I’ve felt lots of emotions and have cried quite a bit. I’ve felt physically sick, embarrassed, sad and even suicidal. I thought that I ‘recovered’ from depression about 15 years ago and have spent the last 12-15 years growing as a person and obtaining a greater level of self awareness and confidence, but this has thrown all that out the window. I live a fairly privileged life in comparison to a lot of people so I’m thankful for that, but I’m now unsure what to do with this new information. So thank you. I feel a lot of compassion for people struggling with this, especially young women after seeing my daughter’s struggles.

[@houloa554]

Sending virtual hugs! At the end of the day those people were horrible. They should be treating people with kindness and respect regardless if they knew you were on the spectrum or not. A lot (not all) of NT people are horrid. It’s extremely frustrating and sad. God! I wish a bunch of us late diagnosed ASD women can just get together and share our stories. There’s such great opportunity for community amongst us.

[@lifebyisi]

I just found your chanel a few weeks ago when i started to suspect that i am autistic. And this video really resnated and made me feel seen. I have lost basically all of my friends over night (they did things without me long before that, i just didnt know) and until today, neither they nor I have an explaination. I even asked them what i did wrong so i could do better and they didnt say anything. and i think thats one of the things that hurt the most. I am doing way better now and have one best friend who understands and supports me and that is a real treasure :)

[@clivematthews95]

I can relate, bullying f-ing sucks. I was bullied by so many different types of people. I am a very tall guy, I was heavily bullied for my height, this might sound vain but I was also bullied for my looks, so yeah I was even bullied by girls simply because they had a crush on me. I mourn the part of me that hated my height and my looks. I’m thankful that I learned to appreciate myself before I made irreparable damage. I’m really sorry, Irene. You’re a great person, and thankful that you stayed your authentic self ✨

[@angy368]

I have cried so much watching this video. I relate so much to your experiences, feelings, and thoughts about yourself. I cry for my past self, who did not deserve any of what she had to go through. Thank you so much for making this video, you make me feel less alone. I just received my ADHD diagnosis last year at the age of 26 and I am in the middle of my autism assessment now, at the age of 27. The grief is cathartic but overwhelming.

[@Noxzha]

I was just thinking that I needed a therapy session and then this video talking about what I’m struggling with right now in this exact moment pops up. I genuinely cannot thank you enough for posting this and being so vulnerable and open. Another thing I’ve found in this struggle is that now that you have the context to those past situations, it becomes easier to see when people are actively bullying you in the moment or treating you differently because of it. It’s also become hard to not compare where I am to where my peers are in different life aspects because of it. Something I accept as a unique trait of myself that I used to hate though is my silence in social situations and my discomfort of it. I like silence and I actually hate having to speak at all. I like being around people but I prefer to listen instead of being the one speaking. It was social rules that gave me anxiety and made me conform to something that wasn’t true to me. I’ve stopped speaking out of obligation now and only speak when I want to or need to for work.

[@budgetforsuccess835]

I mourned the help I could have gotten and the understanding that would have helped me in school and it would have helped me not have low self-esteem thinking I’m just “stupid”.

[@XDominiqueXFranconX]

Wow! I haven’t watched a video yet (until now) that describes my experience so precisely. I’m 37 and was diagnosed with autism about five weeks ago. At first I was relieved, but now am undergoing an intense time of depression and mourning. I was bullied or ostracized by female groups all throughout my school years, and blamed myself for being “too nerdy” or “too weird.” My current workplace is excellent and doesn’t tolerate bullying, but my prior office was a software startup that was rife with narcissistic abuse. The main narcissist was a woman who not only made my life a living nightmare, but made sure everyone else in the office believed I was incompetent. (I wasn’t.) Even now, I’m on a sub-team of three women, and though both people I work with are nice, I feel like they’re closer with each other than with me. I often feel like a third wheel. I keep reminding myself that it’s just work and it doesn’t matter, but I recently had a friend “break up” with me and not speak to me for two months over something very minor. It triggered such a response in me (meltdowns, for one), that I finally decided to pursue this autism diagnosis after having taken several tests online. This was actually the second friend to break it off since 2020, though now this friend and I are trying to repair things, even if it doesn’t look the way it used to. (I have to protect myself moving forward.) All of this has just caused me to feel extremely vulnerable and sensitive to everything around me, including the feeling of being a “third wheel.” I’m also in deep depression over some of the ignorance and misunderstanding of the condition. Most of my family believes and supports me, as they’ve seen me struggle for years and understand the unmasked side. But people who know me less say things like, “Autism is over-diagnosed,” “We are all a little autistic,” or telling me I got autism from a vaccine. 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@TheApopolypse1]

im so sorry for all those moments you felt like you had to change and were alienated or bullied. Something i have noticed though is that while yes, wondering if you told them you were diagnosed or not with autism might make you feel better or think things could have changed, in my experience i believe these people wouldnt change how they behaved towards you. a lot of these cliques alienate people for a reason, and thats because you are not the same as them and they would rather stay in their comfort circle/identity by surrounding themselves with others similar. its sad you cant connect to them in the same way they do with each other and have to mourn but its good you are different to them and seek others who are different too. Its something ive been trying to accept too. im very much mourning the losses of friendship and opportunities i wish i could have gotten if i had known sooner and received support earlier for me to cope as an adult.

[@raven4090]

This is an update from my last comment. I don't even remember what I wrote. I appreciate your videos very much. I wouldn't be able to do what you do. I just came out of autistic burn out, and I'm going through what you're describing here. When I was diagnosed I didn't have time to mourn. I was too busy surviving. Now, after finding out last year, that I'd been in burn out for years, I am starting to come out of it and am going through the morning. I tried to tell my mom today how society treats us. She doesn't really get it. The rest of my family blatantly don't care all. I feel like I've been alone all my life. I have no confidence, and have become hermit like, but I'm going to get social again. Thank you for these!

[@suusblokhuis5005]

when i told my mom i thought i had ADHD because i identify with the a lot of the symptoms. she said it was oke to fidget or be hyper sometimes, but that i didn't have to get diagnosed or something. its been a year i'm finally diagnosed but also have a burnout from school because my symptoms where never recognized. this made me feel seen and i want to thank you for it.

[@anickglobensky-bromow9820]

I am mourning my lack of help in my younger years. I have also been bullied at work. I mourn my idea that I should be NT, that I couldn't understand all my life why I just couldn't. Just got diagnosed at 38. I have to build a new sense of self with this new ND label. It's a process. I wish I'd be able to cry

[@darcy606_artist]

my parents are super christian, and they would send me to church most wednesdays, and one time they even sent me to church camp. never in my life have i experienced such a concentration of ppl that will belittle you for being different. I am self-diagnosed, and I'm 26, and I still remember having an autistic meltdown (didn't know what it was then) at church camp and trying to isolate, only to get physically restrained and held down by church staff because I was "throwing a tantrum".

[@christinelamb1167]

I just found your channel yesterday, and I have watched 2 videos, this one and the one about selective mutism. My eyes got teary during each, because I relate SO MUCH to everything you shared about! In fact, just writing this right now, I feel the tears starting again. I'm a lot older than you, I am 59 (60 in just a few months). I have struggled ENTIRE life with not understanding how to "be" in this world. I have felt like a freak, since I was very little. My first memories are of being in kindergarten, and looking around bewilderedly at the other children in my class. Everything seemed so effortless for them, but I couldn't even figure out how to talk to anyone. There's so much more I could say about my life, but I could literally write for days, so I'll keep it short! About 10 years ago I read something about autism, and it made me wonder if this was what I have struggled with my whole life. But I always thought that autism caused a person to not be able to function or speak at all, so I kind of dismissed it. But the past few years I have started watching videos about "high functioning" autism, and after doing a ton of research, I am now 100% sure I am on the spectrum. I identify with absolutely everything I have heard, it describes EXACTLY the way my mind works, and what I struggle with. I have had so much trouble speaking my whole life, and now that I know what selective mutism is, it explains so much! I have never understood why speaking is so hard for me, and why sometimes I am literally UNABLE to speak. Anyway, I said I would make this short, but it's getting really long! I just wanted to say thank you for your channel, and you have already helped me so much, just by making me feel like I finally belong somewhere! 🥰

[@ori_du]

I know this video is old, but I'm currently mourning, that many people will hate me for being who I am, and that's so sad.

[@christinelamb1167]

Hi Irene, I just left a super long comment, but I realized that in going off on my tangent, I forgot to make a comment on something you talked about. It really resonated with me when you spoke of having difficulties with co-workers, and them disliking you. I have experienced this my whole adult life (and also in school as a child). When people first meet me, they seem to really like me. But then a short while later, it seems to always happen that they start treating me differently. I start noticing they're not as friendly, then the condescending comments start up, then they start outright ignoring me, only speaking to me if it's work-related. I always have high hopes whenever I start a new job that "this time it will be different", but it always turns out the same. I can't understand why people always end up disliking me. I guess they can sense that I'm "different", and it's a turn-off. It's very discouraging to always feel disliked wherever you go, especially when you don't know what you're doing "wrong".

[@saralynnech]

I so feel this. I'm 45 and I realized I was autistic about two years ago. I don't know if I want a formal diagnosis. This is the first time I've heard anything about mourning after your diagnosis. I have often found myself thinking of a moment where I missed something that someone was trying to tell me because I really just didn't get it. And I feel so bad sometimes and I want to find that person and apologize for not understanding. I feel like I missed out on a lot of relationships and experiences because I just didn't know how to connect the dots. Thanks for talking about this. ❤❤

[@SharaOrianna]

So happy I found your channel. It’s so freeing to finally figure out what was “wrong” with me. It showed heavily once I got to college. I am currently in the anger phase but it’s helps so much to finally have a deeper understanding of myself and knowing a lot wasn’t my fault.

[@anaisdebeaumont9571]

I don't know if it's reassuring or not but even if they knew I don't think it would have changed anything. People get bullied for their appearance ( their ears, their glasses, etc.) Things that ultimately the bully knows are not things that the bullied has control of. That's why bullying seems so unfair, because no matter what you don't deserve to be treated this way. I got diagnosed yesterday and I don't know how to cope with it so I relate even though I don't think I ever got bullied directly but more like avoided or been looked at weirdly even by my family without really knowing why. I thought I was going to be happy about the diagnosis but I had a strange reaction like I was being deceived. Maybe because I don't think it will change a lot. I don't think people are going to be lighter on me because I'm autistic. When they don't understand something they don't try to empathize with it. To me I already partly know myself, my diagnosis doesn't tell me things about me but about other people. So now I know that what I do and think is not normal. It's as if I was a stranger in someone's home when I thought it was mine too. Know I am the one who has to be accomodating because I'm the one who's the burden, unwanted... There's a boundary invisible that was always here between me and the others and honestly I have a hard time imagining that some people in the world could feel the same thing.

[@kathryngreaves432]

I can hear the hurt in your voice and no your totally not alone. Your ok to cry it sometimes helps to cry. And to be quite honest i cry because it does really hurt like a stab in the heart because they are picking on a weakness and i always kind of feel sad for myself, especially as a child and for the fact like you say humanity is so crappy at times. I think now as an adult many people who treated me badly would be ashamed of how they behaved when they were previously bullying. People who live with autism and disabilities like us makes us such strong people to overcome the problems. We get through the normal daily struggles that neorotypical people deal with and our own disabilities and differences. I morned my sons autism, im morning it still now when i see him struggle, i morn my own autism although waiting to be diagnosed but i am grateful that my autism has made me stronger and a sensitive empathic person. Keep well Irene. 😊

[@Kakohoguya5768]

Just got mine, literally few hours ago. And I can’t say that I’m feeling happy or validated, but there is also smth of grief there. Like there always was this uncertainty that I might not try hard enough, and in time I will mature enough and just grow it out. Even though I struggled my whole life with this things. Now it feels like I got what I wanted, but there are no going back. No place to hide. I hope I will feel better later

[@potatoO0o]

I'm lucky you can get a diagnosis for free in my country. Well through taxes ofcourse. I went to my personal doctor around a year ago and I will have my formal assessement in January. I could have been done with it already if I didn't wait the whole summer to contact my new psychologist. I just had my appointment yesterday and she said right of the bat that she thinks I'm autistic from reading my file. I have suspected it for years. Autism has been my special interest since childhood. Since Dolphin quest episode, S09 E04, on Baywatch. I was so relieved when she said she also thinks I'm autistic. I just needed to hear it from someone else who actually knows it well. Then I got home and I've been so overwhelmed ever since.

[@RayRivers43]

Not exactly mourning, but when I look back I had these expectations of how my life should turn out, how things should be for myself, I held onto it but never felt like I was really flubbing or was more okay than what my younger self would be, maybe it would've been too much for mini me to handle being diagnosed; after being diagnosis 3 years ago, I put the missing pieces together while relieved, I still held onto those old ideas of who I was supposed to be. What I was supposed to be, an adult with a job, a place of your own, maybe married . . . B4 being diagnosed I thought I was just a manchild or a failed misfit of society who needed to get with the program of being like everyone else, no quirks, no freak outs, getting good grades so you can learn what you need to know in the future, hanging out with friends out of school, dating, getting your driver's license getting a part time job while figuring out what college you could go~ blah blah blubity blah. Still don't know where I'm going with my life (or this comment), just stuck. THANK YOU FOR YOUR VIDEO.

[@purplewurmple7759]

aw...💔 you are so right this is not fair. I think about my nephew he is autistic too and he's only 7 but now he's getting older I fear people will be cruel to him maybe because of what I went through as a child. I hope he is treated better than those people did to you. I also hope you're feeling better and happier these days I myself am slowly starting to 💜

[@artiemusegaming]

Yes, Thank you for talking about this! I feel like I can't mourn unless I have an official diagnosis, I'm in the middle of an assessment now. But I think that's internalized ableism I have from years of bullying. I also have an 'invisible' physical illness, so most of my life I just was gaslighted by professionals. Thank you again for making this video. I feel a little less sad now knowing it's a normal part of the process.

[@ritarevell7195]

I just recently realized that I’m autistic, I’m 68 years old. I’m retired from nursing. During the last 10 years or so, I was frequently receiving feedback about communication from instructors or supervisors during this time. By the time I retired, I was starting to receive job evaluations that were not what I expected I would be hearing from my bosses. In my mind, I’m thinking that I hadn’t changed, where was this coming from? Understanding that I’m autistic, what I felt like was “Well that explains a lot.” Rather than grieving this, I’m more surprised and trying to be more comfortable discussing it with people. Learning to be more patient with myself like I would be if someone told me that they have autism, how I would like to be treated.

[@lindaversil1121]

I could have made this video and all your other videos. Everything you experienced resonates with me. We lived almost the exact same life. I am also a Pisces and I’m 63. All through my life I was bullied by everyone and especially groups of women. Still going on at 63. In every situation it’s the same. I feel alienated. I am self diagnosed autistic for a year now. I also script every encounter and phone conversations. I need a lot of alone time and I’ve become an expert at masking. Also had selective mutism and hated recess and never had close friends at school or anywhere. My parents said I was retarded. I couldn’t have conversations with anyone or make small talk and also have the flat affect and same facial expression for everything and people ask why I don’t smile and why am I angry. People ignore me in social situations. Keep up your great videos. Didn’t know how many autistic people there are and we are not broken We are nice to everyone and try to help but encounter mean people who don’t understand us We would never think of bullying or being mean to anyone.

[@Grace-ym6hq]

Thank you for posting this. It’s so comforting knowing you aren’t alone. ❤

[@helloguytie8375]

For me, what I mourned the most were some of my relationships with my family members and the hope of ever being fully accepted/normal. Two things I now love about myself that I didn’t before is my direct-straightforward speech and my stone cold RBF. Originally I hated both, because socially it set me back and created endless arguments with my family. But once I moved out and met people it changed. My directness, once a source of agony, was a great tool of solving various problems. My rbf, which repels most, helped me to realize how it was screening out creeps and follower-type people who I don’t have much in-common with anyways. Besides, the people I click with the most didn’t let my face keep them from approaching me. All that’s left now is figuring out the right job, as my current customer service position is not the best suited to my autistic traits.

[@like90]

I had similar experiences as what you had. People often don't accept me because they think i act weird. I don't know how I haven't become a bitter person, but I haven't. I've been mourning that I'll never be that person that fits in and that is so painful

[@SebbyPlaysMusic]

I have too many things to say about this right now. But the hardest part for me right now is realizing I've essentially always felt distant from the people I love largely because they're accidentally ableist, and they refuse to change. Actually, I have childhood trauma that could be directly attributed to my dad's autism leading him to misjudge people's character. His level of acceptance of autism correlates with "well, everyone's a little autistic." Most people understand very little about autism and don't see a reason to care (because they haven't tried looking into it. OH LOOK, AN ILLOGICAL JUSTIFICATION FOR INDIFFERENCE; What a wonderful monument to build our days around! ...Yeah, that's the grieving.). I still feel alone, but it is a lot more relieving to know I'm not causing it, and if I contribute to it, it's a calculated choice where I can rationalize utilizing boundaries in the pursuit of peace and happiness.

[@SebbyPlaysMusic]

Realizing how to re-do boundaries is probably the biggest practical help to accepting autism as a fact rather than a highly likely probability.

[@kelppp_1234]

I mourned for about 2 months after my diagnosis. It definitely hit me hard since I actually didn't suspect ASD I thought I had ADHD. Turns out I had both 😳. At the time, when I thought of autism what came to mind is a non verbal child wearing headphones or something😭. I felt so disconnected with the diagnosis cuz I didn't fully understand what autism was or atleast how it effected me. Ur videos helped me so much with realising how autism actually does effect me. I felt left in the deep end but literally hearing somone talk about their own experience was so validating

[@JoULove]

You probably get this a lot but you're such a beautiful person! Both within and without. All the more so for having dealt with such terrible people in the past.

[@philipswann9753]

The chirpy elevator music is.......fitting? Don't change it :D Just been diagnosed after nearly a year of waiting.

[@thethoughtspot222]

I kept thinking to myself while editing if I should change the music to something else but for some reason I like the music I always use. Glad to hear you were finally diagnosed!

[@cecilyerker]

The music helps with the stressful topic, helps it not get overwhelming

[@thiccletics]

Why… why is it ALWAYS girls and women who are like that? Ever since I was little it’s always been like this…. Always. Makes me sick. I’m so tired of it. I stopped trying.

[@genew2017]

It's a human problem. Men have the same issues too.

[@Miidnight_Snack]

Got my diagnosis a few days ago (33nb), even if it was so clear to me before diagnosis that I am autistic, after recieving the confirmation, it felt so surreal and so real and scary and amazing. I started to mourn about a year ago when I realized that I must be autistic. One of the things that hurt me the most as a child, was when my mom kept telling me to pull myself together, that I needed to toughen up, that I should stop being to sensitive all the time. I have realized... that this sensitive side of me, is the thing I love most about myself, the ability to feel so deeply, to be able to pick up on details others seems to overlook, it is truly a gift. And I appreciate this so much about myself. Thank you for an awesome video ❤

[@camilaalmeida3511]

I just got diagnosed, i wanted to talk to other autistic people. Do u have instagram?

[@Miidnight_Snack]

@@camilaalmeida3511 ❤️ yes I do. sandra.liv.alma 🌺

[@juliek8361]

Im so thankful to have found your channel.

[@issyrose8642]

You’re such a beautiful person, Irene. I feel so lucky to have found your channel. Your words have comforted me beyond belief. Thank you 💚

[@fitandchilledout970]

Beautiful girl, beautiful soul 💚💚💚. So we'll articulated. There is not much media been covered on aspie/ high functioning etc and it's so good to see this represented in such a spot on way. Big hugs to you through the ethers sweetheart 💓💓💓

[@vote4anh17]

Another great video to address the process.

[@rachelb4235]

When I was writing my narrative for diagnosis, I realized how often I was picked on. I always kind of brushed it off and did my own thing but it still hurt. As an adult, it seemed like people were jealous of me somehow but that didn't make sense to me either. I've gone through a lot of what you described where people just don't like you. And I agree that I would never do that to someone. I like people who are different because they're interesting! They also tend to be more genuine. I don't understand why being different is bad. Some of the people who have been mean, hurt my career, etc., I want to go up to and say, "you realize you're jealous of an autistic person, right?" Irony. lol

[@emilunax]

I'm a bit late watching this video, only came across it now... If I had known I was AuDHD back in High School, I wouldn't of harmed myself & thought such terrible things about myself, be hard on myself 😢I would of learned to treat myself with care & learn to love myself if I had known sooner. I'm still not over it all, been a few months since my diagnosis & honestly I don't think I'll ever get over it. Now it all makes sense why I hardly had any friends, my temper, my likes/dislikes etc. Would I have been a different person knowing earlier in life? YES & NO... Yes in regards to receiving the appropriate help & support I should of had. But like you said in your video, you can't change horrible people & their views. All we can try to do is educate & hopefully one day we can be treated like normal human beings. Thank you for your video, really helped validate how I'm feeling & that I'm not alone.

[@Mostalex]

Wow. Thank you so much for posting this. This is so helpful in understanding what I went through pre diagnosis.

[@janinemills6732]

Great post, I have experienced a lot of this, especially the work place bullying. I was diagnosed this year at 47. Defo feel the grieving but I also know now, it's not that I am crap at life, I can be kinder to myself. My resilience isn't great, but it's getting better. Sending love from Shropshire UK

[@TheColourAwesomer]

Thank you so much for this video. So much of what you said resonated with me. Bullying has been a constant in my life. Learning social skills and personality traits at 26 is useful, but without self-acceptance, it's just rumination/self-hate fuel. I've never considered myself a minority, so the idea that I have been targeted for my differences is something I am still trying to consciously process. CW: Parental abuse On hurt people hurt - I am self-diagnosed ASD, diagnosed ADHD, and a victim of parental abuse. It's very difficult to try and mentally separate the different roles ASD or ADHD and trauma played, but videos like these help me get a clearer picture. I fully believe that my father has undiagnosed ASD and ADHD. Sad to think about, but I know the people surrounding him didn't deserve his pain.

[@ptlovelight2971]

I'm just getting caught up on your videos Irene, and I just want to say: thank you for being you. I'm also coming to terms with my psuedo diagnosis of *high functioning ASD* (Psychiatrist term, not mine) she stopped short of giving me the diagnosis because she wouldn't treat me with medication 🙄 Anyway, I discovered your channel, and I just love your content! It has been so helpful and SO SO validating! My sister has finally put the pieces together and seems open to the idea of me having autism; I'm hoping it will improve our relationship. Having autism is a lonely experience. Which is why I'm glad I found you (and Mom on the Spectrum, and Paige Layle and others) because I finally found somewhere I can belong 😊

[@thecreatures9288]

Thank you for sharing and opening up on the internet. You are helping so many others( like myself) to feel seen! when you cried I could really feel that. thank you for being so vulnerable.

[@VousEtesExceptionnel]

Thanks for sharing !

[@Leaving_Orbit]

Thank you.

[@sunnylight5753]

I Relate to what you’re saying on what you spoke about on this situation many of us deal w/ sometimes daily prior to the pandemic. You’re Not Alone. Your TOPIC on PDA was Spot On. Thank You Irene for helping me/us💗🌱

[@BekaEllen]

Thaaaank you. I've been stuck in my grief and feeling so alone umong the people in my life. This actually explains it so well.