The Mummy (2017) | Movie Review | Movie Bitches Ep 153

We review the godawful piece of garbage that is "The Mummy (2017)" It's tough to call this a movie, as it's really more a 2-hour mess of constantly attempting to stroke Tom Cruise's ego.
-MovieBitches (Avaryl & Andrew)
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"There's a lot of bitch in every woman, a lot in every man"
-Joan Crawford
"When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she's a bitch"
-Bette Davis

[@tepuntopunto]

"I mean dont go around killing babies. But in the context of the story, just kill that baby" Avaryl is the best

[@MinaF99]

My dream is that one day someone will accidentally use one of your edited movie posters for promotional purposes for the actual movie

[@ZoraTheberge]

Andrew: I'm not seeing any of the Dark Universe movies! Avaryl: what if Michael Fassbender was wolfman and he was like "oops I'm naked in the woods again" Andrew: *reconsiders previous statement*

[@thatmancuniangirl]

So fun story! I managed to get myself a job in London for a week, where I knew I would be working with two other people, but had no clue who they would be. So I'm chatting to them and mention that my hobby in life is watching RuPauls Drag Race and attending drag shows, and turns out this girl I'm working with also watches RPDR. So obviously I'm like "you know if you like drag race, you should really watch this youtube channel called movie bitches-" TURNS OUT SHE'S SUBSCRIBED. Bonding ensued. So out of 20,000 subscribers I managed to find one on the other side of the country from where I usually live. Move Bitches- bringing people together. P.s. Bola if you see this, hey girl hey, glad I met you :)

[@Official_Rik]

LOVE this! (Also love that I misread it as "boning ensued")

[@XxAmethystGirlxX]

Can confirm this is true! Hahaha Glad I met you too

[@Randomqtman]

Rik me too lmfaooo

[@musicman7416]

The Monster Mash people. LMFAO I've never laughed so hard in my life. Avaryl really is 90 years old. #coolyourjets

[@fairydustlight3489]

Love your reviews. Avaryl, have you ever thought of becoming a movie critic reviewer for a newspaper/magazine? Your historical knowledge of movies and TV shows both popular and obscure is astounding. I'm 64 and I'm consistently blown away by your knowledge of media that was from my childhood and even earlier. You have so much to say and you say it with so much wit and intelligence that anyone would love to read your reviews. Love the two of you. Keep up the good work!

[@Horridhendy]

Yay...I love it when you don't like the movie. So...I love almost all your reviews :)

[@eliassalazar423]

I don't know why I adore your reviews, but I just love watching you two having a Kiki and rant about movies.

[@Consumer98201]

#AndrewAbandonsTheMovie made me Latrice laugh

[@ArtxIsxEverywhere]

I haven't even seen the movie, because I try to stay away from terrible movies, and it looks like Once Upon a Time did Jeckyll and Hide better than this movie did.

[@MlleRedVelvet]

there's a lot of things OOT did better than the movies, like belle's dress for example :D

[@hugosavstrom4548]

I totally agree the whole movie was just an ego boost for Tom Cruise. The blonde lady is way too hot for him.. I was CRINGING through the entire movie... It's sad

[@sunny9178]

I love how long it took Andrew to laugh at the Monster Mash thing 😂

[@sunny9178]

Also, you guys should review the short film The Strange Thing About The Johnsons 😂

[@JAMBONBALONEY]

With Avaryl's love over The Mummy (1999), I was ready for a Mummy Dearest moment!

[@archive9796]

NO MORE BANDAGES EVER

[@Huschel1988]

Don't curse me fellas!

[@Paddrique]

Finally you guys get to experience my pain. Also the moment Russel Crowe said that he's Dr. Jekyll I thought "Alright this is just his name, they can't be doing this, this is not what they're doing"

[@lee7510]

I watched this yesterday and my first thoughts were "Andrew and Avaryl would absolutely hate this - I wonder if they reviewed it yet...." OH HAPPY DAYS 😍

[@taintedcreations1995]

the bit about Fassy naked in the woods was so fucking funny

[@silversweet9211]

i thought the same thing when I saw rhe Book of Amun Ra. I was like "WTF is Tom Cruise now the descendant of Brendan Fraser's character?"

[@BanaDoyabad]

Random fact: Tom Curise was considered to play the lead in the 1999 Mummy. Now if he was the right age to play the lead damn near 20 years ago, who in their right mind would think he was still the man for the job in 2017?

[@Tilian-Tine]

Can't wait for y'all to rip this shit to shreds. I already knew it was terrible from the trailer. Lmao!!!!! Movie Bitches is way more entertaining ripping this flick a new one than the actual movie.

[@saint_sam]

I clicked so fast i got carpal tunnel Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, *Carpal Tunnel*

[@Seabasstard22]

samseventeen U WATCH UHNNN

[@saint_sam]

monster_ball21 BITCH EVERYBODY WATCHES UHNNN

[@asash21]

AHHHH! Fassbender naked in the wood! I WANT TO SEE THAT!!!!!! fuck the dark universe LOL

[@tombullard123]

Why is the girl who murdered her dad and father, made a deal to destroy the earth, the most likeable, and seems much more human than the "hero" tom cruise and you end up rooting for her more

[@RayzOfSunye]

She's just Jenny from the block 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@Commentator541]

That fifth element review just reminded me of how much movies suck right now. They are just a collection of great names and great effects/sets but there are NO STORIES, NO CONCEPTS? "What is this movie about" and "why did they make this and not something else"? I think that big budgets are also making studios push movies to theaters even when they suck! You can't just trash 400 million dollars, but WHY MAKE IT THAT EXPENSIVE IN THE FIRST PLACE??? Hollywood is a mess. And so many great films are coming from EU and Asia these days, I think we're about to see cinemas die all together, because you know hollywood is not gonna let foreign films be headliners. Netflix all the way!

[@LucasBishop99]

I always watch your reviews of movies that I haven't even seen because I love y'all so much omg

[@DrewGaymes]

Just gotta say, I have had a really shitty past few days and today was by far the worst of them. Thank you for uploading and giving me a reason to laugh and smile.

[@MrCappy88]

Drew Griffith Sorry you've been having a rough time, hope things look up!

[@ellasanguine7467]

*Immediately starts searching for the Jekyll and Hyde musical*

[@draum8103]

The very first sentence Ewan MacGregor said in Fargo I immediately thought 'Oh no...what is this accent...? This is definitely not a Minnesotan actor...oh wow, that's Ewan MacGregor?!' why, just why would you hire someone who can't do a Minnesotan accent to play two characters in a show like Fargo?

[@lianeboyer7970]

Can you please review Okja? It's on Netflix and has Tilda Swinton!

[@Exogenesys]

Andrew's delayed laugh at Monster Mash was flipping hilarious hahaha

[@samllyn]

i paused this review half way through after the recommendation to go and watch monster squad. definitely need a retro review of it now. it was equal parts terrible and amazing. it hit every single cliche that an 80s middle school monster hunting film with a magical amulet and a side plot about the cops trying to balance their home lives with the chaos at work that i needed.

[@cinephilia7]

You guys are a little too good at coming up with infanticide ideas on the fly...

[@KayBassie]

@ 17:29 reference to 90s music videos, the best. That was the hardest I have ever laughed, love you guys #FuckYouMovie I could tell from the trailer that this movie was going to be trash, Tom Cruise shouldn't be in it Missing Brendan Fraser

[@MrCappy88]

You know it's gonna be a good review when they're already messes in the first few seconds! Love y'all.

[@ashleyfarco7602]

I watched this movie for work and thought it was literal garbage. I actually fell asleep the first time I watched it. However, the one scene where "archaeologist" Jenny was yelling at "young, virile, and sexy" Tom Cruise to kick the mummy's ass. "Get her! Get her, Nick! Kick her ass!" and then he gets thrown across the forest. 😂

[@marcospicco7752]

i didnt even watch the movie but you guys are so funny♥ PS still waiting for rpdr s3 (sry for being annoying but i live for your reviews of rpdr)

[@bloggerblogg5878]

Tom Cruise is clearly the villain in Jerry Maguire and a terrible person who use that poor woman and her child. I asked myself ''Am I suppose to like this guy?'' And that pretended crying scene in the end, just awful, I said: ''I am done, throw this asshole out." He is a terrible person in that movie, but Tom Cruise has a charm so even when is the villain and a terrible person, everyone thinks: what an amazing man!

[@SketchyArtist]

I can't wait for "Russel Crowe & The Monster Mash Crew"

[@IntoBlackHouse]

When I was little I would watch the mummy returns in our car using a portable VHS player (modern at the time). So often it would slide off the middle seat and fall on our poor dog. Then we'd have to reset the VHS player because it would be frozen. Anyways, I remember watching and rewinding the fabulous gold mask fight scene which my brother grew very, very tired of haha. I think drag race should have a gold Egyptian mortal combat runway challenge actually. I also remember they had a preview clip from the scorpion king at the beginning of the movie where the rock is being pursued and comes upon some noble girl bathing and then they drain the bath and slide down a tube or something. Besides the mummy we also watched Austin powers and bring it on a lot in the car.

[@FantasticBeasts2024]

Just re-watch The Mummy (1999).

[@michaelca]

Kinda disappointed that during your '90s video montage that you didn't include Janet Jackson's "Love Will Never Do Without You" video, but I understand. You only have so much time. You guy are so much fun and have great chemistry together! #Allegedly :)

[@alx5287]

Yes to watching Monster Squad! Please do a retro review on it. #WolfmansGotNards

[@landoncox875]

Ok but she was an Egyptian princess but they buried her in Iraq???

[@fakebrainclub]

I hated literally every second Russell Crowe was on screen. He's going full (late period) Brando.

[@johnn.5033]

My heart's happy because you've been posting so many reviews lately!

[@jeremyking9986]

Bwahahaha.. her name is..Ahh num num num

[@jessedalton2387]

omg PLEASE deconstruct the JEKYLL AND HYDE catastrophe with David Hasselhoff!

[@Commentator541]

I FUCKING LOVE YOU BITCHES!

[@victorbarraza4910]

hahahahahahhaha this is one of your best reviews yet hahaha. you guys should watch crappy ego projects more often XD.

[@gaia260686]

Nearly spat my tea out at 'Monster Mash' 😂

[@JohnHouserW]

#AndrewAbandonsTheMovie haha... lol... HAHAHA

[@diamondseraphin9794]

But that link to that Tom Cruise running montage 💯😏👌 Thanks for another great review cunts!

[@oedipusvv]

#monstermash #evil this review was better than the movie my day has been made

[@TheChannelJ1]

American Gangster was a great Russel Crow movie, and it made money, sooooo your joke kinda fell flat on that one #PleaseDoBetter

[@kotahmarshall7237]

Are you guys planning on reviewing the Emoji Movie? I know it's already getting shit on, but I need to hear you two rant about it for 30 minutes! Thanks cunts!

[@tishamac529]

Is this a repost? I feel like you guys did this already. I remember cause you compared it to Brendan Fraser's version which one of you like way better than 2017. Am I going coo-coo?

[@AnnaCarenina]

Kinda sad to see you that you didn't like this film. I found it extremely entertaining. But, I couldn't agree with you more about Tom Cruise - wrong on so many levels. I appreciate this effort though. I missed this kind of blockbusters that doesn't have anything to do with any kind of fandom or superhero universe. I am really exhausted by films like Wonderwoman and Captain America. I see no reason why people shouldn't watch this with a huge bucket of popcorn and a cold beer during a hot summer night. Other than that, cheers to Crowe's #method_acting as Hyde. XD

[@carveylover]

GUYS SCEINTOLOGY IS ALWAYS THE ANSWER. Sorry for the shouting but every time there is nonsense in Tom Cruise movie that cult is behind it. He was a producer on this movie so I am surprised that the bad in bed joke made it through.

[@luisc1703]

The next Dark Universe movie is a remake of "The Bride of Frankestein" and will be directed by Bill Condon sooo it maight be a delightful mess but I doubt it

[@carynmargaret3296]

I really hope your channel grows and grows. I found you guys when you had 2,000 subs, can't believe you have 20,200 subs. Sending love from Ireland

[@hscj16]

Before we start, I just have to say that I watched a whole 30 sec Jumanji propaganda because of you guys. This is the amount of respect I have for you. I did this to help you!! F@cking Jumanji!! hahahaha I hope YT pays you

[@pinkfoundglory]

If you watch HBO's documentary Going Clear, the assumptions of Tom Cruise being manic and needing to be constantly validated isn't far from the truth.

[@JesseWolfboy]

Now you have to review the original Boris Karloff "The Mummy!"

[@eventingirl001]

okay number 1 Michael Fassbender as the Wolfman is the greatest thing I have ever heard. 2 if you want sexy young Michael Fassbender, watch the British tv series Hex. 3 I know how they could have made this movie a hundred times better. The lead should have been female and make the mummy tragic. Let me retell my version of the mummy movie I was hoping for; version 1 get Guillmero Del Toro to direct and make a stunning Gothic film. Version 2, a small team of people are breaking into an in process excavation, they don't go towards the obvious doorway that people were working at they go for a specific mural or depiction. Break down the wall and there is the creepy mummy coffin. Someone hears the noise and investigates. She tries to stop them, not by fighting but by being smart. She of course gets caught and you find out the the archeologist and the other woman leading the team are sisters. One is basically a mercenary archeologist find art and pretty toys for the rich and the other sister is trying to preserve history and give it back to the people. In the process of fighting and getting the coffin ready to transport the Maji show up and attack everyone. There is an epic chase and only a few people make it to the plane to load the coffin on including the right hand guy of the person floating the expedition. They make it up into the air and the right hand guy is going to to kill good sister; fight ensues plane going to crash and anti hero sister does the tom cruise parachute trick to save good sister. Right hand guy survives and gets another team to pick him up and coffin to; returns it to the boss who is Russell Crowe. THEN go into the back story of the mummy. You can do the romance plot line or maybe have her sacrifice her humanity to save her kingdom. She was never going to give into Set, she was going to imprison herself but her father, baby brother whatever lower level small penised male relative basically erases her from history because really what woman BLESSED BY A GOD, should have more power than the pharaoh. Russell Crowe wants Amunet to stab him with the Prince of Persia Sands of Time Blade and he can become all powerful God over death, maybe he's dying or maybe he is just a white asshole who instead of being richer than God he can become one. The anti hero sister wakes up alive/undead for reasons and finds her sister trying to figure out what is going on so they try to visit Russell Crowe. He awakens Amunet, has her feed off of people and asks her to help him find the SoT knife. When she realizes what has happened, that she was basically erased from history and the make relative took the glory for her deeds she decides to fulfill her promise to Set. the sisters arrive and find the dead bodies and Maji soldier shows up and gets them up to speed about Amunet. Amunet goes to find the blade, sisters go after her and fight her. Amunet kills Russell Crowe when she is done with him because why, THE ANTI-HERO SISTER IS THE CHOSEN ONE. The sisters try to stop her and when Amunet threatens or does something to the good sister or related to, the anti hero sister will sacrifice herself to Amunet but Amunet realizes that Set is just controlling her that she wasn't going to become a monster and ruin what she wanted (family that loved, respected and acknowledged her worth as it should have been in the movie to begin with). She give the blade to Maji guy instead and tells them to hide it. She is the only one who can release Set and she no longer wants to. Go forward a good amount of time and the sisters are working together when someone approaches them about one of them coming back from the dead, he knows Maji and he wants the sisters to work with him and his super secret Monster Mash organization and who is the HEAD OF MONSTER MASH INC....GARY OLDMAN!!!!!

[@carveylover]

The answer to your question, Russell Crowe became a drunk and didn't have RDJR' s charm to make up for it. He was fantastic in The Nice Guys, but that's seems to have been it for recent activity.

[@Buckaroo_Baldwin]

A big part of the reason this movie didn't work was because of Tom's "friends" (you know what I'm saying) interfering with production so that Tommy boy comes across how they want him to. Which is something they do in all his movies now.

[@eventingirl001]

I rewatched this movie. I wish I hadn’t but I did. They could have fixed this by getting rid of monster mash inc or at least introducing it at the very end and making Jenny 1st on the call sheet. She should have been the lead and POV of the story. You could have even kept the two asshole but make her the chosen vessel. I also wish that Michael Fassbender played Tom Cruise’s character instead of doing Assassin’s Creed.

[@nolsee1176]

9:02 - 9:20 Avaryl is just the best friend you could hope for when it comes to discussing movies. Also, I walked out of this movie after the first fifteen minutes and got drunk with my boyfriend. I think that was the right choice.

[@ZoraTheberge]

Avaryl, why are you lying about Jekyll and Hyde the musical? Andrew is your sister. Don't do that to her. You know it's garbage banana pants

[@adamtrosper888]

WOW. I was gonna say just watch The monster squad movie . It's better then this. But you said it before I could finish

[@האדיהאדי-ק2ב]

great review. tom cruise is horrible , cant wait to see you guys' Top Gun: Maverick review.

[@willclague7764]

I know that you're not going to see this but i just wanted to ask if you've ever watched shortfilms like Septem or let it be on KZbin I would never expect a review just thought you might enjoy them but idk love you guys btw

[@AngelColdBrew]

Thank you for this! Confirming that horrible mess I sat through #fuckthismovie

[@anthonybrown2756]

I audibly screamed when Avaryl started confrontation form Jekyll and Hyde

[@VelvetTeacake]

We're all glad they never made that Jekyll & Hyde movie with Russell Crowe...

How come you guys never did a review of A Quiet Passion? Elle? #please

[@aarontheatrics2261]

Please do Girl's Trip next

[@mrdonald406]

The mummy returns is not good I've stopped watching the mummy for a minute and the avengers five gems is good.

[@sandyx9012]

By the thumbnail I already know I'm going to enjoy this review😩

[@JamesBrown-gv1vg]

Brendan Fraser now has an academy award for "The Whale", does that count as him trying for a second.

[@jalenikezeue4114]

This version of the mummy has an identity crisis it doesn't if wants to have action Horror or comedy it's all over the place

[@moehsenpai8855]

and here I was excited for this remake. Thank you for saving me the money and time.

[@Misfit_Minded]

You guys should do a review for wish upon it was so fuckin hilarious even tho it tried to be scary. There's a lot to dissect in it. Lol

[@MeganSin]

You guys need a naked fassy shirt with the quote, oh no, I'm naked in the woods again!

[@nello6303]

Fateful Findings, bad movie review? Can that be a thing please

[@shevonwood4258]

Asking the serious questions. I'm here for it. #whowasthegeologist?

[@katd9556]

Guys you should watch the latest King Kong movie!

[@GAZMAN2002]

Russell Crowe turned into John Goodman did you see Thor 4

[@SSSS-wq4vn]

Cheers 🍾🥂🍷💋

[@laureneras9523]

"Just kill that baby" favorite quote so far!!!

[@nathanwest219]

Well done with just having fun with life!

[@SamDSo]

nooo tom cruise is HOT HOT HOT anything he does is good

[@taraholroyd3525]

Only Tom Cruise movie I like is Legend.

[@xjohnjohnjohnx]

Watch Baby Driver! Please!

[@opaulobastos]

Do Spider-Man Homecoming.

[@Lidialudivine]

I watched that Drácula movie at the cinema

[@qwhgfddsayedhvbhd6958]

I died at Oksana Baiul

[@PrincessOfMeat]

The only reason I had fun watching this film was because I was rooting for Sophia Boutella's character to kill Tom Cruise. She was the only good part to me.

[@malloryhouchinnester]

I may be dating myself, ca. past years when I was not even alive, ie: classic film era, (40's/50's), but the way you two describe the script of this movie's thirst for somehow bringing back Tom Cruise's relevance(?), yeah, let's go with 'relevance', with all the 'You're so sexy, you're so young, blah, blah, blah...' really just seems so in line with something I can imagine happening during that time in the vein of attempting to bring back someone else's also has-been career. Of course that's something that's been done in the days since about umpteen-plus times, but your description of that here, just really painted SUCH a specific picture for me. Anyway, love that this movie sucked, because for me, the try-hards make for the best reviews. Keep doing what you do! Thanks A&A!!

[@notdonatella]

You should review Agora. Rachel Weisz has some of the best "worst" lines. " I give you the blood of my cycle"....