My Crackhead Uber Driver - Tom Segura: Completely Normal

[@oefspcedwards]

Tom Segura is legitimately one of the funniest comedians I've ever heard.

[@koledixon4701]

Pshhh u have prob only heard 7 maybe 11 comedians

[@dommiller9920]

He's in my top five forsure

[@TheJcr14]

@@koledixon4701 big comedy guy

[@csb772]

@crazybiscuithead Joe seems nervous and clumsy with his lines. A normally great joke turns into a ok joke when Rogan spits it.

[@jacobm7026]

@crazybiscuithead Joe rogan is legit one of the worst

[@jermyhopkisn9654]

"I can't drive unless I'm fucked up" is a hell of a quote.

[@Magic_Muffin]

Don't cuss it's a sin Turn to God before it's to late Jesus loves you and so do I✝️❤

[@charlieross-BRM]

If you're ever around cottage country you've probably run in to the old longer guys with the weird cabins with all the strange stuff hanging off walls. They were the ones that swore they operated their boats better when they were hammered. When I was 8 years old, I had to take their word for it.

[@josmo1363]

Pretty sure Bill Murray said something similar when he was driving a Taxi at the start of Stripes

[@andrewthomson870]

I used to know a guy who was a pretty useless driver if he hadn't smoked weed. Not your average level of stoner though. 😁

[@CN86443]

@@Magic_Muffin I love god but calm down man it makes us look bad there’s a time n place n that’s very far from a comment section under a comedians clip

[@Randomballstonight]

This guy has been dancing his whole life

[@mysteria5705]

He knows.

[@christiangjesing251]

i love that when he says rocks first time about 1.16 someone in the audience say oooooooouuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh.

[@dvo1245]

Best crack depiction I've seen in a movie was in Wolf of Wall Street when Belfort smokes crack for the 1st time... U take ur 1st hit & u just smile uncontrollably & get this crazy body high that is euphoric...

[@roymulinix]

Succinct, hilarious. That's amongst the best 2 mins of comedy i've ever seen. Chappelle made a helluva career off of crack jokes. Can't miss!

[@terryenglish7132]

I like my drivers alert, lol.

[@yobabybubba]

I thank God I got away from the grips of crack cocaine since February 17th 1988.

[@matthewb9241]

“Yeah I can’t drive unless I’m fucked up” LMFAO

[@dakotaavila2439]

You can't call someone a crackhead just because they like to get crispy once in a while

[@ripevanwinkle494]

If you do crack you a crackhead bruh

[@Bruh-ok1rq]

@@ripevanwinkle494 pretty sure he was joking bro

[@tombrady4217]

Why do serious, Mr. Biggums?

[@dotxyn]

When the Uber driver said OooooooooooooOWoooOOO with the peephole i felt that deeply

[@tylerleitner6754]

I fucking love you Tom Segura. Not sexually but on the hush hush, wink wink.

[@PlayNiceFolks]

I love it all too. God, I hate being Bert sober

[@mostafaazizi1329]

Tom Segura is the best

[@BlazerBennett]

Something my buddy alex would say yea i can't drive unless im fucked up 😂😂😂😂

[@joseluismariscalreyes148]

Got Remington riffle

[@Yourboibrad]

Why u got so many coments here this one is reccent

[@christianvance1614]

Ive smoked crack and the guy is right. Its a crazy ass high. And yeah you just smoke alot and get high as fuck and make sure the cops aint chasing you. 😂😂😂

[@jaredhayes977]

Thick Tom lol

[@FluffyRaT]

Tom without a beard scares me

[@bojangles2644]

1:26 G.O.A.T.

[@loukieprinsloo3530]

Honestly I've done dooby, extacy & coke. Done rocks once, didn't like it. Extacy on the other hand is fucking awesome. Everything feels wonderful. Every sound is kick ass. Every touch feels amazing.

[@ITSergioFelix]

Real person comment coming through (move the hell away BOTS!)

[@dii3218]

yeahhh imma just stick with sluggin black iced coffee but do You bro 😎

[@Lauravideos-t2m]

This is why drug addicts r not executed. They r legit hilarious

[@kyles280]

Nice!

[@OneDerscoreOneder]

Nice

[@anthonymadril1210]

Slice

[@joseluismariscalreyes148]

Bought sword tomahawk mideval brown crosses on sword

[@Kal-El_was_taken]

Nice?!

[@joseluismariscalreyes148]

Then shoot if he don't listen with bb because bully has a gun

[@Yourboibrad]

Wtf are u talking about?

[@ekmickley]

Cannot make this material up...

[@khalilac17]

Yea you can

[@albertvargas7422]

Lice

[@brynjones3530]

I wish Cumtown would stop taking me to this video. I have an unreasonable hatred for Tom Segura now

[@kamabokogonpachiro6099]

Joey Diaz was the Uber driver

[@sneakersecure4233]

The detailed needle anecdotally look because bookcase intralysosomally ruin versus a verdant flat. gaping, deafening calf

[@samuelrichards9213]

Not nice

[@SailHatinSoap]

"Tom: what's it like? Uber driver: OooooooOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH" Yes that's accurate

[@dubkatmtl]

hahaha

[@dixie0625]

Crackhead battle cry😂

[@tombrady4217]

Truer words have never been spoken

[@st3fu2993]

Nice!

[@mistydayremainsofthejudgment]

I really like the way this guy tells stories

[@randygarcia3858]

Mostly

[@hogcranker123]

hah he should be a comedian

[@oj9226]

Mildly autistic

[@jimmyluffnin1297]

Watch YMH PODCAST Aka Your mums house podcast It's tom segura and his wife with the best comedians in the business

[@primarymeme9929]

@@jimmyluffnin1297 your right they should do a podcast- i would glass that

[@abnerrivera4908]

At 1:17, A person in the audience literally went "whooooo!" The same way Tom described the driver at 1:33 🤣🤣

[@GatsuGuts]

Hahahaha . He said it best

[@IntensePeppers]

Probably saw this story on the podcast before he made it into a bit

[@CrImSoN1708]

2:35 I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.

[@jja1483]

CrImSoN1708 only every once in a while huh😂

[@RanchItUp42069]

Mitch Hedberg

[@poleag]

I lied and told him I only smoked crack when I was younger. Then again, anything you describe using the past tense was when you were younger.

[@MrBiggysmalls87]

poleag the joke is “this is a picture of me when I was younger....Every picture of you is when you were younger...

[@hashslingingslasher666]

RIP Mitch

[@Automaticstop1]

Either Tom is always lying or he has the coolest life!

[@VulpesChama]

The funny thing about life is, that the funny stuff is happening all the time all around. We just blend it into the background usually. But it happens all around and some people just never learned to put stuff in the background and at the same time seem like people others can talk to without hesitation. This said, most of it is still likely to be just a story or things very exagerated. But doesn't matter actually, because this stuff could have very well happened.

[@decentdude1086]

@@VulpesChama I’ve started to learn this. Life is like a Coen Brothers movie.

[@velorn8927]

Shit like this always happens to me

[@Rick_Sanchez_C137_]

When you stray outside the path laid out for you, adventure happens…. You just have to know which side of the path to stray to, and how far…. Don’t stray beyond your physical, mental, and emotional capabilities….

[@colinmarr1089]

@@Rick_Sanchez_C137_ calm down Aristotle

[@SCWood]

I love how his facial expression doesn't even change when he goes "OOOOOOOOO"

[@philtanics1082]

Ya know that was the most accurate description for smoking rocks Ive ever heard.

[@alexarango]

His nonchalant demeanor and calm delivery makes it so much funnier!

[@Diesel257]

"Oooooohooooo!" is the perfect description of crack.

[@decentdude1086]

I kinda get the freaking out for fun part. I’ve had good experiences scaring myself when I first started smoking weed or when I do acid or mushrooms and started getting paranoid. It’s a weird love/hate relationship.

[@williambrown171]

Hahaha I can relate

[@decentdude1086]

@LostintheWoods now that sounds terrifying. Wouldn’t try spice.

[@bluecollar825]

Agreed, I can relate, sadly. Its like a very twisted way to amuse yourself I suppose. My go to if it ever got too heavy was always, relax now, you wouldn't be feeling this way had you not just ingested a bunch of mind altering substances. It pretty much always worked too, thank God. Had a friend in high school who got carried away on LSD and it didn't go too well for him. Full on freak out. Was goin to our parents houses and freaking them out. Almost lit his Mothers attic on fire. A bunch of shit, he ended up getting committed briefly. One thing he did tho that I have to say was awesome is this, he put a bunch of different colored and sizes of candles on an end table. He would light them all and just let the wax ooze its way all over the table, mixing the colors and so on. It was like a real legit piece of art.

[@lang8097]

True, just make sure ur with someone who’s not into it as a balance

[@kaj7135]

@@decentdude1086 Don’t. Spice is stupid as shit. I smoked it once and I legit thought an earthquake was happening. That bullshit made me paranoid and dizzy af.

[@H2Raby]

"Dunnet that sound Awesome??" lmfaoooo, that shit was hysterical from beginning to end XD

[@silver6380]

Nobody: Pitbull in every single one of his songs: 1:32

[@claudegrinnell9602]

Funny thing is I was a Uber driver and a passenger put me on to this comedian lol

[@zetareticuli5054]

Sounds like me minus the crack, coke, and pretty much everything. Professionalism is out the window and we be homie

[@Jhulinare]

When I went to take the drivers test for my license, at 18. I had forgotten about planning the day with my mother. So the night before I partied, with whatever was on hand. Mota, booze, shroom, cid came over too. Went all the way to 4:20am, ritual like. Then had only 2 hours of sleep before bein woken up to go drive for an instructor. I aced the test.

[@vooveks]

…And then you came down and realised you’d forgotten to go to your driving test.

[@samcronan3163]

That is so weird because when I went to take my drivers test the 2nd time (I failed the first time) I had just tripped the night before and barely slept. But I aced the driving test and I was also 18! Weird we had the same experience

[@bboat42069]

This guys crack is like my weed, shit makes me freak out anymore. I wish I could smoke more regularly without freaking out like that lol

[@toneg3127]

I smoke with all my Uber passengers especially on long rides

[@dustinmiller7278]

...... if this wasn't posted 2 years ago I'd swear he was talking about me ....... until he started talking about other shit than weed

[@brianlake1032]

It’s actually kinda funny with the ooohhhhhhhooooo! Statement. I randomly tried that shit and I remember vividly saying out loud, ooohhhhh…. Yea I can see how this can be a problem for some people 🤣

[@chanelicabrown5222]

yea i can’t drive unless i’m fucked up 💀💀

[@Roger-tv7sf]

lol what a good story

[@Aaron-vn3ej]

Offering someone a blunt is peak hospitality.

[@georgehgordy1690]

About 20 years ago a friend of mine Rod befriended a crackhead and the crackhead got kicked out of his house ( his own house, not my friends ) So my friend brings him over to my place to stay with me for a couple of hours ( I didn't know he was a crackhead when he got here ) So my friend can go get crackheads living situation taken care of.. So I talk to the guy for about 30 minutes downstairs and find out his name is W, that's his whole name.. W.. After 30 minutes he asks to use the bathroom and i tell him where it is and then say I'm going upstairs to check on something just holler if you need me ( I didn't want to hang out downstairs while someone is dropping a deuce in the shitter & the guy seemed a little off center so that was my opportunity to make a break for upstairs ) 2 hours + 30 minutes no Rod and W hasn't made a peep so i stay upstairs 3 + 30 no Rod.. 4+ 30 no Rod but i get a knock on my bedroom door & it's W sweating like a waterfall is running over his forehead wanting to know if my house is under surveillance? And i said God no! Why would it be under surveillance? And W says because of drugs.. And i tell him i don't do drugs.. And he says " No! Because of my drugs " I said you have drugs? and he pulls out a bag of crack and a pipe & asks me if i want to hit it.. I said maybe in a few minutes but for right now I'm good, but thinking ROD WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU! So now i have to go downstairs because i don't want W hanging out in my bedroom with me.. So we go back downstairs and every 30 seconds W is looking out the peephole, peeping through every window blind in the house & asking me if i heard a fucking train... The closest railroad tracks to my house is well over 5 miles away so i say No! I don't hear a fucking train and please sit down for a few minutes because you are making me a goddamn nervous wreck.. Then i hear a knock at the door W yells they're here and runs into the kitchen and at this point he has me so paranoid I'm thinking it's the cops and I'm in trouble.. So i look out the peephole and it's Rod saying man why is your door locked? I yank open the door and say because your crackhead friend W got paranoid after he started hitting the pipe and locked it.. Rod please GET HIM THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE

[@user-njyzcip]

Don't do drugs kids

[@georgehgordy1690]

@@user-njyzcip I agree 100%

[@billanddougsuck]

Tom Segura is the kind of guy I'd love to talk shit with at a party or in a beer garden somewhere. HILARIOUS!

[@nicklausbryant7785]

Nobody ever means that for crack....just so you know

[@Jeepdad561]

That shit hurt that was so fucking funny

[@pcb8059]

I was a taxi driver, unclogged my weed pipe with a ball point pen refill...the same one I gave a customer to sign his credit card after I couldn't find a pen, but found a pen refill at the bottom of my bag..that I forgot i used to clean my pipe....he got tar all over his hands, he was so drunk none of the other passengers were listening to him slur his speech.." what da fuuk..I got weeeed tar all ovurrr my haaands mann"... LOL!!

[@jademoon7938]

When I was a kid, like barely 20, I knew this guy. Him and his wife had split because they had a kid and he was still running drugs and stuff. Guy was in his 30s, never touched crack, idk if it was who he was hanging out with or depression but he started smoking crack. I didn't see or hear of him for some time. There was this club owner who had a place downtown that was just always overflowing with drugs and people. I went there one day, middle of the day, and I sat on the couch. Movement caught my eye under the kitchen table and I turned to see the dude, on his hands and knees, using a lighter to scan the floor. He'd stop, pick up a crumb, and then carefully place it in a line with the other crumbs he'd already picked up. There was a row of like 20 tiny crumbs. I was like what in the fkk are you doing dude?!? He stood up, took his lighter, lit it, and waved it over the crumbs. He carefully pushed all the crumbs that charred away, scooped the tiny crumbs that melted into a crack pipe, and sat down in the chair to smoke them. I swear to god that would've been such an effective anti drug ad lmao. Like holy shit dude you're crawling on the floor for crack crumbs this is some crazy shit you need help. I've done a shit ton of drugs but I've never touched crack because everyone I've seen who smokes it acts like that and that sounds like a goddamn nightmare. I do drugs for fun and that shit does not look like fun in any capacity lmao.

[@jmccormick1490]

Back when I used to have a party house, people would smoke a bunch of dope in my garage. We'd get high for 2 days, then when I was coming down like 2 days later, I would look for rocks on the garage floor. I almost totally forgot about that shit until I read your comment. What a shitty way to live. That was like 20 years ago. Then i got addicted to opiates later in life but have been off of everything since 2015. Getting high is great. It's everything else that goes along with it that sucks.

[@DDMN.]

Every indian auto rickshaw driver is high af 24/7

[@notyourtypicalgamer9886]

If only i could erase my memories about this guy to re watch it again and again and again it would be great.

[@Nutmegp]

wow he smokes weed so cool round of applause ha ha so cool weed is so cool lol omg xD

[@SunlightGwyn]

Doing drugs when you are old is the best time to do it. You already lived your life, better to go out old with a bang.

[@catmandont100]

I call BS...............My " Crackhead Uber Driver " NEVER calls me Tom.

[@petermost4421]

Yea crack makes you stare out windows

[@romankotas448]

Why does the crack head driver sound like Chris Rock?

[@CatWith-AHat]

This is one of my favorites bits of all time

[@xavierpaquin]

Can't stand YMH but Tom's stand-up is the shit

[@user-lk2db1ue1o]

In Detroit Michigan you would get a Uber driver like that maybe lol

[@GoodGuyGaurav]

SUP KANE!

[@jordancivic96]

BIKES!

[@drone2778]

I see a Segura clip I click.

[@83gemm]

I’m not saying EVERY driver I’ve had in a taxi or ride-share has been f*cked up, but the ratio seems WAY higher than the average group of people. They’ve always been super cool though. Couple of years ago I had to schedule a five am taxi to catch a train half an hour away (because I’m American). Well, we got a surprise snowstorm overnight, but I HAD to catch this train. The taxi driver was cool and still came to get me. It was dark with bad roads, so I was already nervous. He said, “Do you care if I smoke?” I immediately said, “Smoke what?” He laughed and said cigarettes and I said that was fine. I was just starting to relax when he started to tell me about everything he used to smoke and went on a tale about all the drugs he did. Now he offered all that up willingly, but we were about twenty minutes and a dozen scary sliding moments in before it came up that I’ve got gay friends and he breathed a sigh and said, “I thought you seemed safe, but I didn’t want to mention my husband is worried and I need to call him when we get there.” I was like, dude. You just told me a story about doing heroin but you were scared to tell me you have a husband? That’s so sad. We made it and I caught my train. I also tipped him fifty bucks and he called his husband crying cause now they could get a Christmas gift for his MIL they really wanted. I hope he and his husband are doing well and that his recovery is continuing.

[@n00n1n]

The funniest part of your sketch was you showing a recorded message that someone else sent you on facebook. Whoever that guy that sent you that message is, is pretty funny.

[@michealsmith28]

I can't breathe I can't breathe who are you this is hilarious why am I late to the party this is hilarious I can't breathe 🤤😎✌️✨🤍✨🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆

[@bluecollar825]

I gotta be honest, Ive met some interesting uber drivers in my very limited experiences with that service. Ive met the food n snack provider, the weed smoker, the Idc what y'all do back there guy, to dont say a word to me, and please don't use foul language. I kinda miss it.🤣

[@estebanvillarreal9730]

I cannot believe people find this guy funny. Not even a smirk. Poorly modified jokes from other comedians.

[@TheFloridaBikeVlogger]

shoutout to anyone who's ever had that cracked out driver..they out there forsure.

[@Ra7111]

Yeah when it comes to drugs smoking crack is the biggest rush you will ever get

[@tommyjoseluisjasonmarissar6785]

I DONT SMOKE WED NOMORE420 AND CYGARRETTES I QUIT BOTH COLD TURKEY? ON MY MAMA AND GREATMAMA DONT SMOKE NOMORE?

[@JillWe-co4zj]

When he made that siren sound my sleeping cat levitated and started looking wildly around like HE was on crack

[@honeypotusername]

Pretty sure that "crack in the apartment" part was stolen from another comedian, but I guess they all do it to each other.

[@martinbaird1406]

Fu

[@Carlospjr]

I love coke I love heroin I love smoking rocks 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@pearz420]

"I mean yeah."

[@jaxturner7288]

Lol look at all these “nice” bots, looks like he bought the twenty pack for 5.99.

[@justinrutlidge7367]

Nice

[@tnt7913]

And that's yet another reason for me to NEVER EVER use Huber!

[@ryanellington8636]

Everything in moderation.. except crack

[@stefanalexandruzica2160]

And then the fucking uber add plays fucks sake man

[@hamacaboy]

Tom segura is the best living comedian

[@tommyjoseluisjasonmarissar6785]

AXCTIVATES MY ANGER DEPRESSION I WANT TO BE HAPPY?

[@yassinmotii1547]

No I think they do mean that for crack, way easier to chip than heroin.

[@myguitardidyermom212]

Should've just got **BIKES**

[@KeepingItKeith]

My Uber passengers wanted to smoke a joint once. They were my last trip of the night. I was gonna go home and smoke a blunt anyways so fuck it.

[@kdcustoms1272]

Haha

[@joseluismariscalreyes148]

Get him scared tall Mexican in Palmdale chicken

[@Yourboibrad]

Wtf