my head is no longer full of bees 🐝🐝🐝

[@darshishere]

Rosianna, thank you for this honest and poetic video. As someone living in India, the daily anxiety is suffocating. It is especially devastating for marginalized communities(particularly caste, religion, gender and disability based) that deal with systemic oppression alongside broken down health infrastructure and govt mismanagement. As I learn about so many of my loved ones suffering , it is almost surreal watching US and UK social media content about pandemic re-entry or vaccinations. Your video, on the other hand, made me feel better and had me thinking. As always, I deeply appreciate you and your content. I am rooting for you

[@hexfloo]

I can totally understand the “having a body in public” thing, it really takes getting used to. Where I live masks aren’t mandatory outside anymore but I still wear mine sometimes just because feeling too “seen” kinda stresses me out.

[@TheNicolexoxo]

"it is so difficult to be on my own side. It is so much work." YES!! When you were talking about someone disagreeing with you and then you making a case for them in your head, ugh I related so hard.

[@ShauniVD]

God, that line about adapting to having a public body again really resonated with me. I have felt that I have become more body-confident during lockdown. I have worked out and walked a lot this past 14 months, and I did it all for me and my mental and physical health. I don't have anybody to remark on it, and that felt great. Here in Belgium the lockdown is also almost easing, but my anxiety keeps me mostly inside. The US and the UK being 'faster' helps me anticipate these feelings and create a way to deal with them.

[@JMarulanda123]

befriending yourself is so hard, something i haven't quite figured out yet. especially when being mean to yourself has not only taught you how to survive but also achieve. i don't know when pleasing other became my default before pleasing myself. its a bit unbelievable that i've been watching your videos for over a decade. wishing you all best

[@moiradarling97]

A head full bees is such a good way of describing it. It’s a day to day thing for me and recently I’ve been dealing with it again. It can be so overwhelming but today I feel fine and I’m so grateful.

[@TheLadyRochester]

The point you made about the feeling that the grown-ups haven't done their job... I feel that. It's been a source of low-grade rage for about the past year for me. Even when I want to be a responsible person and leader, few of the "grown-ups" around me have had my back because the consequences of the pandemic don't matter to them as much as their comfort or security. So if no one else is on my side, at least I am.

[@daminecraftguy]

A lot of the feelings you conveyed were really relatable and moving to me, thank you for sharing! This made a difference in my day :)

[@rosianna]

I'm very glad to hear it. Thanks for watching!

[@marleenbakardjieva]

This is so relatable - I'm struggling so much at the moment working long shifts in retail. After two or three hours I just mentally feel like I can't anymore, then have to go on for hours and hours more and repeat the next day. The only thing that comforts me at night is eating lots of food and rewatching Grey's Anatomy (but then I go on to despising how I physically feel because of that). Meh.

[@annavanelst8788]

It was so interesting when you talked about people pleasing and it being so ingrained, but also not a terrible thing. A friend once said (as a compliment actually!) that I was quite 'agreeable', as in agreeing easily and thus not difficult. And even though they meant well, I felt sort of angry at myself and the world for making me 'agreeable'. To me it felt like I was made to be agreeable (I definitely wasn't as a kid lol) and that I'm therefore 'betraying' myself (and perhaps women in general) in some way by yielding to the expectation that I must be easy and nice. So it was nice to hear you say that it can also foster empathy and compromise, and it's not just a form of making yourself small. It's definitely hard to find the right balance.. Anyways thank you for phrasing it so well! I always love hearing your insights

[@rosianna]

Yes! It's difficult to notice things about yourself and then stick by yourself. I struggle with that. I love to abandon and criticise myself! So I'm trying to also notice that things I wish weren't the case also often have an edge that I like. It's taken time but it's getting a little easier to do. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and I'm really glad it resonated :)

[@oliviabates1867]

Rosianna, thank you for this video! The pandemic was the first time in my life that I realized I am never ever on my own side. I am still struggling, but at least now I can recognize it. That has to be a step! It’s so meaningful to hear you speak openly about this 💖

[@theuncommonviewer]

Hey from a South London 28 year old! I really feel that about finding it hard to be a friend to yourself. I always feel a bit sad about how being a people pleaser is not always seen as something beautiful or amazing because I just love to do it and find it so rewarding. I recognise though, as you say, that you have to be a friend to yourself, have your own back, and advocate for your own place in the world. Good luck with it. I'm so glad you're feeling grounded. It really is a triumph. Also- I love that green on you. It's the green of August (peridot birthstone) and the green of Leo. A colour I associate with my mother who is a Leo/August birthday and has eyes the same colour. Verdant love to you and all the passing commenters.

[@valkyrie_cain86]

This idea of having to be more on your own team is so relatable to me. I tend to accommodate other over myself, and am often compromising for their benefit. I am getting better at advocating for myself, but its a work in progress. So many good discussion points in this vid.

[@sabeeradar5511]

The newly tiring feeling of people surrounding you is so frustrating and relatable. I need others for my internal dialogue to be confronted with friends and work on a healthier funner external one. Finishing 6 years of medical school and feeling full of bees going back into London as it opens as the world keeps burning....

[@rosianna]

It's such a strange thing because yes, it's new. And we're not used to it. But I suppose inasmuch as we adapted to lockdown, we'll adapt again? No idea though. Sending you all the best with the end of medical school and also with the bees.

[@StarsSuspended1]

The grown ups aren't doing their job - yes yes yes! That was really helpful, I think a lot of my frustrations come from grown ups (which often in my head is an institution as well as politicians and managers) not doing their job. And it's helpful to think about how that links to family/school stuff growing up. There's something about fury, despair and exhaustion at what feels like a betrayal. That's going to stick in my head, I think!

[@lorenabpv]

sidenote: someone else mentioned it, but i just wanted to say that this is what i've always felt like. i have ocd and adhd, plus i'm more on the introverted type. no shade to extroverts, i'm sure it's an extra layer of suckiness right now, but that's how we feel the whole time. it's tiring and frustrating and awful when we can't keep healthy friendships because people just expect us to adapt to their idea of a good time or end up excluded. if anyone else feels that way after lockdowns, please take a moment to acknowledge how you're treating the introverted/anxious/neurodivergent people around you. maybe they're having this kind of overwhelm everyday but suffer silently not to be seen as a killjoy

[@katiez1442]

Dang, really relate to your discussion of people pleasing. Like you said - when the accommodations being made are bi-directional it can help sustain & grow a relationship; but when those accommodations are only coming from one person it necessitates an engineered smallness & the other person kind of takes over. But it’s hard (at least for me) to tell when you’re in a one-sided relationship or not. Thanks for the good video!

[@veggiesnchill8134]

It's so important to honor the coping strategies that have helped you survive this long.

[@jumpincows]

Oof your comments about learning to be on your own side resonate with me so much. One of my big challenges this year through therapy has been trying to figure out what my wants and preferences are separate from the wants and preferences of those around me. In some ways lock down has made this easier (their are fewer people to consider) but in some ways it's also been harder to feel present and aware in general, much less of aware of my needs. In other news, your cycling has been a true inspiration. I went on a 40km ride around my city the other day and was thinking of you while going up a particularly long hill. I hope loads of more good cycling days are in your future.

[@MagicTimeTravel]

I love the lighting and backdrop here so much omg! I've been on a medical school placement in a different city for the last six-ish weeks so it's going to be so wild to go back to a semi-open London in a couple of days. and I have an exam on may 20th so I'm going to be a hermit until then and then come out into such a different world. I'm trying to brace myself but idk how, it's rlly helpful to see you talk about it

[@rosianna]

Thanks! It was just the morning light and it was very beautiful. Good luck with your exam and going back to transitional London! Remember you can always take it at your own pace :)

[@catherinesvideos156]

a LOT of this resonated with me. The question of whether I'm on my own side is going to stick with me for a while.

[@BewareIMightBite]

“I am not a person of opinions because I feel the counter arguments too strongly.” Mary Shelley I've really resonated with that quote when I heard it, and your talk of being your own devil's advocate made me think of it... thank you for speaking so honestly about those personal experiences !

[@susharajha]

I resonated with so many things that you said here today but the thing I'm left with most strongly is how visceral your emotions feel in the video, Rosiana. I started crying a few different points while watching and I feel you made the space for it by being so genuine about your own feelings. Thank you so much for sharing ♥️

[@LostInLibraries]

As someone whose entire social circle has dealt with anxiety or depression throughout most of their lives, that point about the pandemic sort of forcing us to be on our own side is so true. I've really enjoyed seeing my friends start to hate themselves a little less, and I've felt it too. It hasn't been perfect, we're all human and still have bad days after all, but by and large, we've had to start being allies to ourselves.

[@zoeunleashed]

You always say something I need to hear. Thank you. Your words were so relatable. I’m glad the bees have been removed.

[@RebDay]

So many great thoughts Rosianna! Lovely to hear your voice and the inside of your brain x

[@BananaIsSmiles]

Wow, I totally totally relate to the thing about constantly taking people's sides. I've thought a lot about that and I've truly never heard anyone articulate it and you just did. I am absolutely a people pleaser and too accomodating really just related to so much of your feelings!! It feels good to hear someone else go through similar stuff so thank you!!

[@annamort]

Watching this it felt like you were externalising so much of what I’ve been thinking about over the last year...which is surreal. It feels nice to be edging out of lockdown with a stronger desire to stand up for myself and to not always choose to accommodate others. Often it’s just small things, like picking the time I’d prefer to meet a friend but I feel a little less small each time. As always, grateful to hear you speak about your life and have enjoyed tracking with you for the past decade 💕

[@RyansBookshelf]

Here in Canada we're at our worst point in the pandemic yet, and there's a special kind of exhaustion that comes with seeing friends in other parts of the world start to creep back towards normal. I've been trying to take extra care towards myself, especially over the last month or so. Thanks so much for putting words to so many things that I've been feeling lately

[@12happy11]

I worked in person as an essential worker in the construction field all of 2020. Really busy, over 1300 hours of overtime. After a winter of working from home, I'm back in person on site this week. The fatigue is worse this time. I didn't really think about it as social fatigue from only a few months at home.

[@kristinschoellkopf6268]

I can relate so much. Thank you so much for doing this video.

[@IngeborgEngh]

I am so happy that you have found cycling! I highly recommend cycling in Scotland

[@philippasomerset2588]

A lovely video with lots to think on. Am looking forward to the midlands cycling video - away at uni somewhere objectively 'prettier' but very much missing the nature of home in the midlands

[@alicja9446]

Thanks for sharing! I think I'm gonna go for a walk now, too! Maybe I'll meet some bees (won't let them into my head though!) 🐝

[@bettyreads222]

appreciate hearing your thoughts. i realized recently that i was pleasing others to my own detriment, so people pleasing and fearing conflict definitely was a reality and i think i'm definitely more on my own side like you said. i keep reminding myself that i am capable and i got this. oh gosh children's bible is quite a story. hope you're taking care.

[@IAMSCOTTYMEOW]

thank for this, have watched you for a few years and always enjoyed discussing being a very accomodating person. i feel that, too, and now that i've spent a year with a more restricted life, i see how i push myself to be more demanding in what i want. and say it. sadly, the other dynamic is as the uk comes out of lockdown, my body image has being more fragile, and i feel in competition with everyone, whereas lockdown made me feel safe insofar as the person i have been seeing was not seeing other people. confusing emotions. very grateful to be in scotland, not yet vaccinated but i hope to be.

[@luluruth6134]

Good to hear you've gotten rid of the bees! It's always a pleasure to listen to your insights delivered with your calming voice :) Sending you lots of love!

[@rosianna]

Ah thank you! Now I'm just watching lots of Texas Beeworks videos. Again.

[@mschrisfrank2420]

I find a lot of good things for my mental health on IG by following particular people who put out a series of stories or have long captions. There is so much nuance lost if you’re just going from one colorful post to another. People can get so militant that there’s one right way to be mentally healthy and that’s just not true.

[@ThisIsFiftyWithLil]

My family and I are now fully vaccinated and past the post-vaccine waiting period, however, aside from my husband’s occasionally going to his job site, we've pretty much remained home-bound. By the way, we're in Texas, so... I completely get the feeling things being a bit too much after our long stretch of isolation. I think, when we get to the point of deliberately venturing out, I'll apply the rule that we established when we had very young children which was, no longer than two hours out with our littles. I sort of knew what I could tolerate as the mom. We all need to trust our gut feelings and make a plan and still too it until life returns to normal. Be well.

[@Creasy5678]

Thank you for this, Rosianna. I have had to deal with getting out into the world and meeting people since Lockdown was lifted as well. I haven't had a job through Lockdown like you, but I have had voluntary work. Every little helps, right?

[@Tayylynnx0]

thank you for this. I'm in the US and am extremely fortunate to be fully vaccinated, but still very much feel like my head is full of bees. I'm also fortunate to have a great therapist to help pull me out of it, though. what a strange time we're in.

[@ramywiles]

Doubly unfair, from my vantage point as a vaccinated American, is that I still know people (am related to several, in fact) who just don't care about COVID anymore, if they ever did. They have the option to get vaccinated, and the appointments are wide open, but the disinformation environment is so intense here that they don't think it's safe, or they don't think it's necessary, or both. We're having conversations about freedom _from_ vaccinations while India's cases are exploding and other countries will end up waiting months if not years for vaccines. It would be crushing enough if I was only hearing this from strangers. I'm hearing it from my own mom, from in-laws, from cousins, from friends. Sorry, I know the tone here is very deliberately _not_ lingering on the unfairness of the broader situation -- and for good reason, because it's very far outside any individual person's control -- but I've been feeling it in spades these days.

[@HeyCuteEarrings]

Not really relevant, but your thumbnail made me think of this... If anyone hasn't looked up "president of Costa Rica wasp", you should. The video is brief, but it's a treat.

[@froodoftheforest]

Taking this opportunity to give a friendly reminder for everyone: That feeling you're feeling when you are suddenly socially tired, can't quite get used to multiple people talking at once, feeling overwhelmed with the questioning, out of practice talking so much, feeling exhausted and wishing you could continue but feeling you're shutting down internally and need to go... PLEASE take note!!!! This is how your introverted friends and family feel. This is how those with ADD, ADHD and Autism feel every day of their lives... They just don't get to just 'acclimate' after being locked in for a year. That's their social energy in life. REMEMBERING how you feel now and committing it to memory will help you understand those you love leaving after 1-2 hours and that being their life "limit" generally. We love you - our brains just can't acclimate the way yours do/will. Please be gentle with us. Neuro-divergence isn't going anywhere and we're tired too.

[@Ajfmaizy]

Good video, thanks for making it :)

[@megadramatic]

Where do you get your hair ribbons from? They’re lovely

[@rosianna]

Thanks! They're just ribbons that come with presents or sometimes on a gift bag. Basically scraps I've kept over the years :)

[@janicew9]

I'm vaccinated but have been in one unending lockdown for more than a year now. Give and take, I guess. It's been very difficult, and it's not over :/

[@colaty8P]

Wait where are you posting carousels? I don't see them on your main

[@rosianna]

Oh no the infographics are just all over my discovery page and on stories etc. Everything is carousels!

[@flyclaudiafly]

It makes me a bit worried when you talk about losing social stamina. I still want to spend hours and hours with people, go to parties, when it's all possible and real again. Can we build up that stamina again, or will it always be different?

[@rosianna]

I am hopeful that we will build up stamina, that we'll adapt again. It will just take time. It might not be exactly the same as it was, but maybe it will be great in different ways! I also want to spend hours and hours with people and I really think we will. But I know that fear is strong!