My Husband SECRETLY Invited His Female "Friend" Over Whilst I Was Away On Business r/Relationships

[@rosebell5080]

I can't get over how the husband was all like "I can't believe you would accuse m3 of cheating!" When he literally invited someone 10 years his junior to sleep in his bed and completely lied about it. What was she supposed to think? Why else would you feel the need to lie?

[@godking]

The husband comes of as a total sociopath who knows what to say and what emotions to feign to justify his actions and decisions. It is heartbreaking to see OP still defending him.

[@ZoeAlleyne]

@Gabby Lee I am so careful even if I interact with someone younger than me online. I was bonding with a girl on Tumblr over a shared interest, nothing weird at all just regular chatting, and when I found out she was 16 I didn't drop her like she was hot, but I did make sure that I did not seek her out and that I made sure any interactions with her didn't invite much further conversation and I also told her I was very busy and could not respond often. Not because she wasn't a bright and interesting young lady, but because I do not want to encourage her to have older online friends who might not be interested in boundaries. And I was only about 25 at the time. As a woman now in her 30's going back to college I am often surrounded by 18 year olds who are very lovely and enthusiastic and will always so kindly invite me to go out with them and I politely decline. We are on different wavelengths, we SHOULD be because we have had totally different experiences and now is their time to have theirs. Hopefully theirs don't involve entertaining a 28 year old lover who whines about his relationship and offers to "teach you" how to smoke weed. Like, OK Bojack.

[@emilys8971]

Yup - and a girl just barely an adult- op should divorce this POS

[@JustinAdamson270]

Is their physical evidence

[@JustinAdamson270]

@@ZoeAlleyne so age makes you better than everyone around you got it you should warn people to stay away from you

[@AndyyWithAY]

This is trauma bonding at its finest. This sham of a marriage is completely toxic. They need a divorce ASAP. The husband is so dishonest and OP just eats it up. He doesn't want to talk to this girl every day, but he invites her on a trip and lies to his wife about it.

[@Garden366]

You are entirely correct about the trauma bonding as husband has obvious narc tendencies and OP, having been in a previous traumatic relationship is primed to repeat her past with another abuser. Hopefully she’ll grow stronger with counseling will not make the same mistake the 3rd time.

[@itsjustme7487]

OP Needs to stop supporting him both emotionally and financially. My ex hubby was much like this jerk. Cut the cord and file for a legal separation if your not sure about a divorce as of yet.

[@damien678]

I can't even really blame OP, I'm absolutely ride-or-die with my bf too. We've trauma bonded but also we have a lot in common, and a part of my loyalty to him is helping him be the best person he can be because I know that's his greatest goal for himself. He's incredibly thoughtful, and tries to be conscious of a lot of political stuff, and he's so soft and caring, and I want to be his life partner even if we just end up being best mates with nothin romantic between us. I guess I just lucked out, though, because we're also polyamorous, and would be honest about these things to each other. But I know I'd stay even if he got bad, because I'd feel a duty (that I took up completely on my own) to stick by him and see him through it, and help him get better and be better.

[@Kai-uj5go]

@@damien678 Info request: What are y'alls ages and how long have you guys been dating so far?

[@tbf390]

It was exactly like my past relationship with a narcissist. Just glad I got out earlier and did a ton of work to avoid this situation again.

[@nikkiwhray1598]

In the end, OP was correct. Her husband is far too immature for marriage. His idea of compromise is to tell his wife whatever she wants to hear, actually do whatever he wants, then lie to avoid getting caught / suffering consequences. Most people grow out of this behavior after highschool.

[@itsjustme7487]

My ex hubby was like this into his 50s .

[@KCCAT5]

My late ex-boyfriend made a comment one day to his friend and he said "you just tell them what they want to hear", meaning us women, and I turned around to him and said "no I don't want you to tell me what I want to hear I want you to tell me what I want to know"

[@LilFeralGangrel]

@@itsjustme7487 some people just never grow up.

[@ronhall5395]

Exactly right. He has no boundaries. No boundaries, no relationship. He lied so she would not get mad at him? No bro. If you don't want your wife to get mad, you tell her the truth and you do not do inappropriate stuff with 18 yr old females. Is smoking pot with a young girl that obviously has a crush on him worth losing his wife's trust? Apparently it was. Yes she needed to divorce him. He does not respect her. He wants a wife like the 18 yr old who will do whatever he ask never question him and never call him out on his lies.

[@invisible123-l9d]

This is American. In American culture, men cheating is practically compulsory. As is men gaslighting, abusing, and manipulating, women. I don't think you, or anyone on here, can name even ONE American man who can PROVE, with hard evidence, that they have never cheated on, never gaslighted, never abused, a woman, and truly accept that women are their EQUAL, and truly respect women. Also, truly pull their weight with housework and childcare, are affectionate when they are NOT horny, who focus on her, not themselves, sexually, who LISTEN to women, and TAKE WOMEN SERIOUSLY. In short, a MAN who truly puts in the effort. Cue the abuse, name calling, patronising, and boring sneers of 'misandrist' or 'Karen' or 'you have issues' or 'you need therapy' (Why are Americans so utterly obsessed with 'therapy'?), or the nauseating sneer 'who hurt you'. None of you have the balls to reply TRULY RESPECTFULLY to a WOMAN and a NON-AMERICAN.

[@AndyyWithAY]

Your nearly 30 yr old husband has an 18 yr old friend, already a major red flag. Then he wants her to SLEEP OVER. There's no way this could be innocent. None at all.

[@HobieInTheBox]

Sus on top of a sus pile

[@ginathecookie]

If I had a friend of the opposite sex and they were 18 As a mid 20s person I wouldn't invite them over Even if I'm female, it's just not ok

[@Acidfunkish]

It can look sus, yet still not actually be sus. You can't know. WE - especially - can't know.

[@MidnightCore7]

Honestly how rich is hubby??

[@rubymeaddle]

@@Acidfunkish I have never known an adult pushing 30 who was smoking weed with teenagers that wasn't an actual POS.

[@victoriapyles7752]

I’m sorry, my husband has ADHD, depression, and all those things.. and he doesn’t act like that lmao that’s narcissism.

[@fytrndm]

My cousin has all that and all he does is sit and plays video games, never cheated on anyone in his life. He also watches the same TV show for the nth time. No judgement on the TV show coz I do that too 🤣

[@plantemor]

100%

[@ravenfox926]

Yep. I know several Narcs and they all act like him a LOT. Now OP is starting to wake up to reality.

[@plantemor]

@@ravenfox926 I knew one who tried to get diagnosed with ADHD. I think it was so that he could have an excuse to not show up on time and not finish things. He would get bored very easily and always expected others to do things for him. We went to a program where there were several people who had diagnosed adhd and they got "special treatment" which I think he wanted a part of. So after that he started pretending to have it. Like, when you were talking with him, he would suddenly space out and then go: sorry, can you repeat? He would do that constantly, especially during the time when he was trying to get diagnosed. He was so easy to see that it was an act. He was just a lazy asshole. Nothing else to it. Also the most entitled and manipulative asshole I had met in recent times. Tried to flirt with me despite knowing I am in a long term relationship and he himself was seeing one of my friends at the time. Got the feeling he was the type to try and score anyone just to see if he could. If he could score someone like me, someone in a relationship, then that would confirm to him how awesome he was. Too bad I have a history with people like him, can spot their shenanigans a mile away and am very, very, very loyal to my partner... and also I found this guy repulsive. He was the type of guy who was a little too well groomed, if you know what I mean. Urgh. So glad he's out of my life.

[@ravenfox926]

@@plantemor Yep, I know what you mean. Never trusted the TOO WELL KEPT ones. They've always reminded me of.....serial killers.

[@Tyler171819]

Love it when potential cheaters pull the “ I didn’t tell you cuz you’d be mad” card. Hun… that means your doing something you have no business doing 🙄

[@nikkiwhray1598]

Because NOT DOING the things that make their partner mad isn't ever an option... If a person is unable to put their partner's feelings above their own desires, they are too selfish for marriage.

[@TheRedowl101]

"I didn't tell you cuz you'd be mad" is what I tell my bf when he catches me drinking too much soda... NOT sneaking around with a person 10 years my junior

[@squirrel670]

@@nikkiwhray1598 its not that, its to make their partner seem crazy for something completely reasonable to everyone else. Its manipulation. And they know they wouldn't accept it if their partner did the same but the partner doesn't think to question along those lines. If they do, there's another excuse waiting. They've been cheated on before, its not you they don't trust, blah blah... turning themselves into the victim and making you question your sanity.

[@Musical_Pigeon]

My boyfriend has not told me things to avoid making me mad but it's normally stuff like using my deodorant (I use men's deodorant, that's why he'll sometimes use mine) and he knows I don't like it because his armpit hair makes the stick look weird and he sometimes leaves his armpit hair on it. Or he won't tell me if he spilled a snack I was looking forward to because he doesn't want me to be upset, he just buys a new box/bag. The only time he did it and it really was something I'd be mad about was the time he did my laundry with his and put one of my wireless bras in the dryer. The heat melted whatever glue held that bra together and it fell apart (It was supposed to be seamless), he hid it under a pile of clothes and hoped I wouldn't notice. He learned a valuable lesson that day: I hang dry my bras for a reason.

[@squirrel670]

@@Musical_Pigeon sounds like normal relationship stuff to me, especially learning lessons like that.

[@bgcorporation]

He glasslit the fuck out of that woman. "I'm leaving, I'm taking the car. I'll leave you with all of the money." Then still stayed after she BEGGED him to stay. Smh.

[@keplersdream901]

No, she gaslit HERSELF. He was a loser to begin with, yet she continued to lie to herself. Why? Because he was her "project."

[@ginathecookie]

@@keplersdream901 ... Nope. He did. Idc how self destructive she was, don't victim blame with the manipulative behaviours She did her part, he did the rest.

[@mariem8705]

@@keplersdream901 she can’t fix his sickness and I don’t believe him when he says “it’s not like that”.

[@keplersdream901]

@Gina the Cookie Wrong. If she's self-destructive, and didn't get therapy for her behaviors, then yes, she's responsible. You can whine about 'victim blaming' when you're endorsing misogyny. Women aren't weak for being women.

[@keplersdream901]

@@mariem8705 Exactly. Unfortunately, we are enabling women like OP not to be assertive, choosy, or able to divorce. They keep acting like 12-year-olds, and it's very sad and maddening to watch. At every point, she constantly makes excuses. Eventually, the women needs to be told to "woman up" and face reality.

[@BruinPhD2009]

I’m sorry, but OP REALLY needs to redefine herself as a “pretty chill person.” So far, what that means is that she is willing to take every single red flag presented and wrap herself in them like it’s a high fashion garment. Whether her husband is a piece of shit or not, at what point do you stop allowing someone to make you feel like shit? Seriously. How many of us in this comment section would accept such obviously awful behavior from someone that claims to love us? OP, I truly hope you follow through with throwing this creep away and please PLEASE take steps to make sure you don’t repeat this dynamic in any other relationships. There are people in the world who will treat you better. Go towards them!

[@krazycats564]

Chill and doormat are so easily equated. It's disappointing

[@jp8649]

"I'll be a doormat so long as you still think I'm cool"

[@BruinPhD2009]

@@jp8649, @krazycats this is why bullies and “cool kids” are able to surround themselves with a bunch of shameless suck-ups. They’re the people who want to be seen as ‘cool’ and will do anything for it. They don’t seem to realize that they’re just as abused as their targets.

[@JustinAdamson270]

She's obviously lying lol

[@ohsock.5501]

Seriously like, OP that's not "being chill" that's letting other people stomp all over you

[@ZarineBashire]

That husband is seriously manipulative. He was clearly trying to manipulate the situation by threatening to leave to try and get her to bed and apologize to him when he was in the wrong 100%

[@MsTemptation]

The fact that she says she cares for him but doesn’t deserve him is just sad. It’s obvious that he has been screwing around on his wife with an 18 year crush.

[@ynmonroe]

Yeah. I was struck by that part as well. Kind of just made me uninterested in the rest. She spent just as much effort trying to make him sound like a good guy as she did explaining the problems she has had with him. How is that not illuminating enough for her to realize this is not a healthy relationship?

[@squirrel670]

@@ynmonroe if you know someone fresh out of or just about to leave an emotionally abusive relationship, this is exactly how they sound. This is what reality looks like.v

[@ynmonroe]

@@squirrel670 Not saying I don't get it to an extent. But it bummed me out.

[@EweOlive]

I think that "don't deserve" can have two meanings - don't deserve to suffer/experience negative thing *and/or* don't deserve to experience positive thing. I took OP to mean they cared about him but deserved better than to suffer his presence any longer.

[@squirrel670]

@@ynmonroe i know someone in an abusive relationship and their mind was just like that. Its truly heartbreaking and there's no denying its depressing. Their mind gets messed up and they might be like that for years, especially without help.

[@britnicox3929]

I can’t believe this lasted long enough to have it be a pattern - she’d text my husband twice maybe especially at 2am with him not telling me anything about her, and we’d be talking therapy or divorce. He’s shady as hell and IMO no 28 year old man should be hanging out with someone who’s BARELY an adult unless they’re family.

[@debl3063]

And husband said the 18 yo was too immature to talk out his problems to. Sure. Because she's 18. What did he expect to learn from an 18 year old about marriage? Yet he did talk to her about OP. And often. Which to me suggests he was putting out there his wife isn't a good partner to show he was open for attention from 18 yo. And he said things to make her opinion of OP negative. So 18yo won't feel conflicted about being with a married man. She obviously was getting that kind of vibe if her text to him about not wanting to put herself in a tempting situation is for real.

[@animemagic]

It sounds like they were in couples counseling or at least I assumed from what she said around 10:40. Still, I agree. The fact that he kept hiding information about other women from her is a huge red flag, and I'd have already been out the door by the time this happened. Not to mention that the friend was only 18. Like yikes

[@WhitneyDahlin]

❤️I highly recommend she read, and anyone else who has been in or is in a toxic relationship to read In the House in the Dark of the Woods by Laird Hunt. It's basically a Puritan Alice in Wonderland. It's a fairy tale about abusive relationships and how we leave those relationships and how we heal afterwards. It's a fairy tale but it's a metaphor for an abusive relationship. One of the best books I ever read. It is definitely very surreal, very Alice in Wonderland like and you're not really going to understand what's going on for the first part of the book but the second you do, it all clicks into place. I definitely understand surrealism and allegories and metaphors and Alice in Wonderland isn't everyone's cup of tea but if it is I highly recommend you check it out. It's a very short book it was only a 5-hour audiobook so I got through it in about two and a half. Highly recommend. I also recommend not reading reviews or getting spoilers or anything and just going in completely blind. Because this is one of the books that either gets a perfect five stars or a one star. People either love this book or they absolutely hate it and give up before understanding what's going on.

[@damien678]

Eh, there can be reasons, like being in a local LGBT community together, but that can end up being family-esque as a bond

[@ZoeAlleyne]

@@debl3063 this exactly this. I've been the dumb 18 year old and older men are talking to me about their terrible wives and I listen like a dumb idiot because I was EIGHTEEN and it turns out they were often the biggest cause of their marital issues. Shocker, right? The guy telling an 18 year old "I've never been able to open up to someone like this before" is mostly to blame for his own relationship issues? They were often checked out, expecting their wives to do the majority of housework, child care and then still be a dynamo in the bedroom. I feel disgusting when I think about these older men that should have known better and if a man wants to talk trash to me about his partner I shut it down unless we are ACTUAL friends and it is more of an advice situation.

[@Germania72]

It was very exhausting to hear this story. So he has a history of disrespecting boundaries when it came to female friends. He always withheld information about them, meaning that he never mentioned whether they were going to be with him alone or not or even if they even existed until she caught him. He used to have an inappropriate friendship with a co-worker (I think he cheated on her, but Op's in denial), and now this 18-year-old. What is a 28-year-old man doing with an 18-year-old? That's a teenager and he was going behind her back to bring her home and sleep in the same bed. It seems like they bond through trauma and mental illness and she thinks this guy is just a "grown boy". All I heard is that he's selfish and doesn't respect their marriage...and if you add that she used to be in an abusive relationship before her marriage, her behavior makes sense. She needs to heal herself and aim to have a healthy relationship, not this.

[@squirrel670]

Abusers like to look innocent and that they don't know any better when they know damn well. This is a clear result of emotional manipulation and abuse. They are champions of framing the narrative and warping reality to the victim.

[@janicewilcox8590]

Yeah. And she kept saying "he left out information" like he wasn't some big fat lying liar face with lies coming out of his lying butthole at an alarming rate of fire. Like he's the poster boy for pants on fire but she's dodging the "he lied a lot" label like a nerd at dodgeball with the class bully. I couldn't even feel bad for after the second "withholds information" I was done. He's a liar. Also inappropriate behavior with other women is cheating. And being willfully gullible has me pissed at OP not her lying cheating husband. "Oh yeah honey I slept in a bed with my ex but that's all, we totally just slept". What you said. This whole thing was painful to hear because of how purposely stupid and and willfully doormat like OP was. By halfway through I no longer cared if she made it out of the marriage. Talking about how wonderful a man he is like some kind of racehorse with blinders thinking he's all alone in the world even though he can hear everything going on around him....

[@beewest5704]

I don't think there was ever any boundaries in this relationship.

[@nathanhinman9069]

She is so forgiving of his behaviour, I'm genuinely concerned for how she copes going forward.

[@agoblincandraw]

Can we talk about the HUGE age gap?? He is 28! She is 18!! When he was 18, she was 8, that is creepy on MULTIPLE levels!

[@topazcoyote5482]

Finally! Finally a comment that points this out. I thought that I was going crazy.

[@agoblincandraw]

@@topazcoyote5482 Honestly!! The fact that the OP was so okay with it was absolutely INSANE! Like??? Your almost 30 husband is GROOMING a child!!

[@j.graham8068]

Hubby in this story wins the oscillating fan award.

[@MarkNarrations]

The best award anyone can receive!

[@Mitzthatonekid]

What does that mean- I must know

[@shad03void99]

@@Mitzthatonekid I believe it is in reference to a earlier video. Of which I am ashamed to admit I forgot which specific one

[@Mitzthatonekid]

@@shad03void99 I got memory issues so I probably forgot

[@shad03void99]

@@Mitzthatonekid We both did. I don't know the video, but I do know the reference a tad bit. Not enough to explain, though.

[@catT5236]

"I don't want to have hate in my heart." It's okay to be angry & resent, or even hate, someone who treats you badly. In fact I think it's kinda healthy to feel that way for a while. OP says she just wants to learn her lessons from this & move forward, but this is the second time she's been in an abusive relationship. Having those feelings are entwined with you having enough self-respect to say you didn't deserve that treatment.

[@LilChuunosuke]

*Story 1:* This man isn't just a cheater. He's a groomer. Shes *18.* Best case scenario, she's almost 19 and they've been friends for less than a year. I get a vague impression theyve known each other since she was at least 17 if she's a reoccuring topic of discussion and close enough to be smoking buddies. I'd be skeptical to date a 30 year old now as a 24 year old with the age/maturity gap. At age 18, I wouldn't have seen how much power and wisdom that 30 year old would have over me...

[@justaperson4656]

Man I'm skeptical to date anyone 24, and I'm 18, let alone someone who's nearly 30

[@LilChuunosuke]

@@justaperson4656 my gf is 21 and even that feels weird to me sometimes bc she's in college & i went straight to work. So we have different levels of exposure to the post-education world. I could not imagine dating someone younger than her.

[@Cocollyt]

She seems so smart and reasonable. She deserves someone who loves her wholeheartedly and unselfishly. I hope he’s learned a lesson.

[@kevinclark495]

Shes a pushover and doormat

[@locusxe1411]

Idk about her being smart personally. She got too caught up in emotion. She chose to stay with him like an idiot. Glad in the end she finally realized she was being fooled

[@amalielk]

@@locusxe1411 Right? He played martyr when he told her he would move while she was away, knowing it would make her beg him to stay. I was with a guy like this when I was in my early 20's. Dumped him within a year. The accusations, the excuses, the martyring- so much BS came out of his mouth I felt like I was living in filth. She's learned now, though. Hopefully she'll recognize the signs in the future.

[@LilySaintSin]

@@locusxe1411 She still loves him and love makes people do crazy things.

[@Midnight0Mistress]

@@LilySaintSin Honestly, the fact she has been lied and gaslighted for so long, her reaction pissed me even though I knew why.

[@Bleg94]

1. Story: it sounds like the husband never has been faithful oO sleeping in the same bed as someone he hooked up with in the past, being really suspicious with other women etc ... he definitely is a serial cheater "loyal to the core" ... lol nope definitely NOT, I think OP still is blind because of love the thing is, he isn't sneaking around, he is cheating pretty obvious for everyone to see I am confused, didn't OP say she connected her iPad to his messages?

[@Germania72]

It sounded to me that she's in denial: sharing the bed with a former fling, having an inappropriate relationship with a co-worker (she mentioned that in the middle), and the 18-year-old girl now. She should've run for the hills a long time ago. He's been gaslighting her, he even poses as a victim of hers. What the heck?!

[@Bleg94]

@@Germania72 also possible that she is in denial, but either way she will not be happy with him

[@aibytes4857]

@20:34 she mentions the iPad again

[@Bleg94]

@@aibytes4857 yeah, I know, wrote that before it came and didn't bother to edit it again ^^

[@andrewi.crocker8675]

The line about "waking up to being accused of cheating pissed me off" He absolutely DID cheat, even if he hadn't slept with the 18 year old, (doubtful), he totally was carrying on an emotional affair

[@justaperson4656]

Forgetting the 18 yr old entirely, he more than definitely slept with that coworker

[@valbear2996]

Been here. My ex had a 16-17 year old friend and he would lie to me when he was hanging out with her or any other female “friends”. Turns out he was having sex with her and most of his female friends, some who were even exes. He would make me feel bad for freaking out when he wouldn’t tell me shit. He told me he cheated on me because of my anxiety which he amplified by lying to me, never telling me the truth, and me being suspicious he was cheating on me. Obviously I broke up with him as soon as I found actual proof that he was cheating on me with the minor and the other girls. Because that was disgusting that he would have sex with a minor and so many other women. I learned later on from someone else after we broke up that he got scammed. He was going to cross state lines to meet with a 14 year old, and half way there he got a call saying that he had to pay the person money or they were going to call the police to arrest him for soliciting a minor. So my ex was definitely scum. This man reminds me of him. My ex was 20-21 when I knew him so I know 16-17 years old isn’t too much of a stretch, but still she was a minor and has tried to meet a supposedly 14 year old is absolutely disgusting.

[@ginathecookie]

Sorry to ask but did you ever report him for the minor thing? Bc its messed up and predatory In fact he's a pedo

[@valbear2996]

@@ginathecookie he passed away. I only found out about the 14 year old thing months after he passed. And the 16-17 year old even though she was a minor she can be considered an adult for the age of consent. Eta: he passed away about 6 months after we broke up

[@Callimo]

@@valbear2996 Yeah, the age of consent in a lot of places is *suspiciously* low (like some weirdo put it into law instead of someone who actually had actual knowledge of human psychology and development). I'm glad your ex can't hurt anyone any more.

[@knitwit9447]

15:07 Right here, he turns the entire situation back onto OP with no hesitation. It hurts to think that she was so wrapped up in the relationship that she didn't blink at the manipulation.

[@rubymeaddle]

DARVO

[@knitwit9447]

@@rubymeaddle exactly!

[@ronhall5395]

His whole text about moving out while she was gone was all done to ruin her business trip. He had no intentions of leaving. He wanted her to beg him to stay. Another power move on his part. No woman needs a bf like this in there life. Husband, heck no. Just get rid of him. He does not respect you. He brings a woman home from work, you c ome home to find them together and you go make them snacks? Are you crazy! I bet they left work early an got caught, but managed to look innocent by the time you got in the door.

[@Russman67]

"A quiet weekend in" ... his 18 year old friend. Everything about this is sketchy. It's hard for someone to extract themselves from a crappy relationship, especially with the time invested. I'm glad she was able to find the exit.

[@Mewse1203]

If toxic relationships were easy to leave...no one would be in one.

[@FreedomWriter54]

People need to understand that withholding info from their partner, especially when it comes to a person that's causing turbulence to the relationship, is already cheating.

[@hodgeelmwood8677]

The thing that worries me the most about OP is her statement that "she knows she doesn't deserve him." He lies to her, plans to meet up with an 18 year old girl to go smoke weed, and gaslights her about the possibility of cheating and that he feels hurt that she suspects it! Her "I don't deserve him" came from a place of past abuse that got into her head and convinced her that she's the problem. No, she doesn't deserve this guy - she deserves way better!

[@My9thMyJoy]

This OP frustrates me every time. I hate when the victim makes me hate them more than the actual ah.

[@isiaadiel3468]

You know it's bad when even the Bible thumping anti-divorce mom is helping you make a plan to jump ship. I feel so bad for her. I hope they have top tier individual therapy because her blaming herself and being so gentle to someone who is comfortable manipulating her is so heartbreaking.

[@elliothirst3000]

This poor girl is so messed up. She keeps saying he's not a bad person when it's quite obvious he's an abuser and a groomer.

[@heathermiller5765]

Mark: “I basically begged him to stay” Me: 😳 I nearly choked on my toast when I heard that

[@tinak2576]

“Are you in love with her?” “That’s not what I’m looking for.” WOW. That says everything. I can’t believe how dependent this POS has made the OP feel to him.

[@safespacebear]

Trying to be friends or showing respect only works in certain situations. People like this dude, you need to view them as a demon to protect yourself from their machinations. There aren't easy breakups from toxic people

[@dawnstone4424]

Omfg. This guy gaslit OP so hard. He was”so happy over our conversation last night only to wake up and be accused of cheating “ Pos jerk was planning on cheating and he damn well knows he was. Not to mention who the eff invites a teenager on a trip and doesn’t tell his SO?? She talks about bubble baths and other stuff in texts… she knows, and he knows EXACTLY what all that would lead to. I imagine he’s cheated on OP plenty and just acted like she was the one with issues. This one is pissing me off and i haven’t even finished listening!! ETA great update!!

[@Pancakeslugs]

First story OP is infuriating in how eager they are to martyr themselves in a terrible relationship and give their abuser everything and then some.

[@jeanproctor3663]

I feel so sad for OP but I'm glad she was able to say what she needed to to her husband. She's a much bigger and braver person than a lot of people and so very mature. All power and love to her - it's the very least she should have.

[@ThePlayer4our]

I hate how the op just sticks up for this guy. A 28 year old man who has a history of anger issues and is going behind her back to be alone with an 18 year old, what a fucking catch

[@neshuneshuification2609]

This girl is a keeper, too good for her own good, 10 times stronger than what she thinks, loving in pain, self reflective, and kind even to the rough, wish her the best.

[@emasters8619]

She's waiting for him to wake up. I would have stood in the middle of our bedroom and screamed at the top of my lungs. Everything about him is unacceptable.

[@helenlewis2510]

Before reading the update, is anyone going to point out this dude is texting someone barely legal, and probably knew her before she was? Edit after hearing the whole story: this “man” broke op’s confidence so much he had her believing in the end he wasn’t as bad as he really is

[@magagail]

Okay here’s my thing. He didn’t want her to be mad at him. So he knew that his actions would upset her. Instead of not doing something that he knew his wife wouldn’t approve of, he hid it from her. He didn’t open up a conversation about spending time with a friend or even neutralising the situation by bringing a third person on the trip so it didn’t look as bad, he just lied to her. That conversation they had the night before was “such a high point” in their relationship because he was lying to her. Actively, intentionally, and arguably with malice. And then the dude has the audacity to say that being accused of cheating was a low point? Lying to your wife’s face so you can continue to flirt with a teenager is a low point. This is infuriating and its not even my relationship.

[@kevinclark495]

I have ADHD and depression and don't act like that op is just making excuses, grow a back bone, tell him what a prick he is and move on ffs

[@christyclarissemercier6359]

Why do people tolerate partners who throw and break things?

[@jazzyg7202]

Story one: op needs to go to counseling and end the marriage. I probably would have been petty before I ended the marriage and screenshot the messages between the girl to his parents and the friends that stated he is so loyal

[@tbf390]

It’s terrifying how similar trauma bonded relationships all are. I’m so glad I ended mine within a year. All of this happened verbatim, minus staying stuck in this nearly as long. She’s even still in denial that he’s a soulless person. She still wants to protect her core wounds by fantasizing that he’s a good person that’s just not for her. This hurts. :(

[@littlestrawberryfaery]

Story 1: hubby is predatory.. 30 and " friends " with a 18 year old, wanting her to sleep over, texting her all the time... ALL THE GASLIGHTING! IT'S ALL JUST GASLIGHTING! RUN HONEY RUUUUUUUUN! HE STILL HAD HER OVER! HE F×CKED HER! HONEY RUN!!!!!

[@Damaaskrose]

Hello Mark. You remarked that you are aware that getting out of a toxic relationship is not easy, but many people say it is.. you just walk away. HA! You're right. I spent 13 years in a toxic relationship trying to make it work. Walking on eggshells, and trying to protect my daughter. I was lucky, I had good support around me and I finally let go when I had a light bulb moment that he didn't care. The only important person in his life was him. I walked away with my little girl - the most important person in my life.

[@ginathecookie]

Unfortunately the light bulbs moment doesn't always happen for people They're too stuck in the situation and the abuser or toxic person has too much control

[@piratsnygg]

The people who say it's easy are so naive. If it were easy not one single person would be stuck in a toxic relationship.

[@beatrice135]

It doesn’t happen overnight. I lost my strength bit by bit over 16 years. He got the house and I got the kid. Priorities.

[@videofan1010]

This man is extraordinarily manipulative. I wish she hadn't confronted him before getting on her work related flight.

[@stewartann816]

Oy I'm glad in the end OP realized the difference between being chill and being a fucking doormat

[@lalalachris]

OP: describes an SOB Also OP: “he’s not an SOB!”

[@Amelia073]

Late to the party but so pissed off by this idiot woman. She’s a doormat. She blames this kid, who was probably groomed by him, for “trying to make him fall in love with her.” She’s sickening.

[@deppresedonion6320]

He was never leaving or going back east he lied just to get the reaction he got .

[@coreymartin6486]

"You should have trusted me"....he said to her right after confronting his lies and shady behavior. This guy is a grade A gaslighter and piece of work.

[@deifieddata4462]

Op will never get her dignity back after begging that dirtbag to stay. That's the shit you remember when you're trying to go to sleep at 3am your entire life.

[@deifieddata4462]

By the end you won't even feel bad for her anymore lol

[@dm9078]

Twenty eight and he has a teen girl as a friend. 🚩all around right there. How to proceed OP? To the nearest divorce lawyer. Edit: “I’m very easy going. I’m the one that brings them snacks” Holy crap. 🤦🏽

[@Mykie222]

Y'all didn't see how he tried to one up her by leaving first and acting like a victim but his plan failed because he couldn't find someone to take the dogs? Bruh, MASTER 👏🏾 MANIPULATOR! 👏🏾

[@philwill0123]

"i dont like talking to her most days, shes so immature" Yeah, but you tell her your relationship problems..... Bullshit.

[@gregjayonnaise8314]

“He’s not the type to cheat” No guy ever seems like the “type” because there is no “type”. Cheaters disguise themselves. You can never know for sure, and unless a person is a total idiot who can’t cover his tracks and has a blatant history of cheating, there is no actual “type”.

[@gazman2626]

"don't throw him under the bus" and "he's not a piece of shit" Yes he is and he threw himself under the bus. I agree not to cause hell in the divorce. He's awful.

[@rosemarie1817]

This sounds nearly exactly like what I'm going through with my grandpa, the gas lighting, manipulation, aggression, annoyance, avoidance, everything, I'm thinking about finally breaking the cycle by running away my next birthday, it's going to take a long long time for me to actually put my plan into motion, stories like this remind me how this can actually be done, how people manage to get out of these situations. People like this, they inspire me.

[@damien678]

"nothing more physical than throwing things and punching walls" look, I have ADHD & PTSD too, which effects emotional regulation and impulse control a lot, but that's not ok. I was bad like that before, but I actively wanted to change and not show anger like that towards my partner, so I actively tried to figure out ways to vent my anger more healthily. Disengaging is a very critical skill for my own anger management, personally, and realising when you're getting into an emotional state were you could explode is also important. I also think, while it's not easy to fully figure out right away, it was easy for me to make the decision to not be like that. I loathe the idea of justifying violence towards loved ones and continuing to knowingly hurt them. I haven't lashed out that badly again for bloody ages now, because I love my partner more than I hated something he said, or did, and my gods would want me to act upon my love rather than my hate. I still have a mad strong fight response, but I utilise it by protecting him and anyone else I see in trouble. I've also never been the type to attack first, which makes me all the more confident I can do the right thing in a fight, because I'm not as uncontrollable and feral as I can come across (because, tbh, acting crazy has made people back down). I hear fighting outside, or whwt could be, and I stop myself from going out there to see what's up a lot because sometimes it's just tradies being rowdy blocks. But sometimes it's very obvious something is mad wrong, like hearing a dude screaming 'whore', and I'm out that fucken door In short... he wouldn't lash out like that to OP if he really didn't want to. And would use his trauma fight response in better ways.

[@diblik]

That guy is pathetic, and she is too, but a 30 year old dumping all his emotional burden on a 18 year old! Yikes

[@quartzskull8772]

Metal illness and being gaslit in an abusive relationship doesn't make you pathetic

[@Price8903]

Once again he’s a victim and blaming her for why he lied to her.

[@sw7833]

Lol terminal victim and you better not insult her abuser, cause she just can't take the truth nor can she stop being a victim!

[@Blair16]

I was just thinking the same thing.

[@tamsel814]

This story is so disturbing that it crashed my phone and forced me to restart it.

[@maryellen9503]

You are so compassionate - I'm glad that you got a good story to read, I know the cluster-youknowwhats are entertaining, but hearing you be shocked and sad makes me sad. You're a fantastic moral compass in a crappy world and I love your narration style.

[@emilys8971]

Let the family of the teenager know what has happened

[@egalitarian2207]

Lmao at whoever says “it’s easy to get out of toxic relationships”

[@Mypalpayton]

I’m so glad she saw reason and didn’t waste anymore of her time with this creep. It’s never ok for a nearly 30 yo man to invite an 18yo girl to get high and spend the night together.

[@browhattheactualfu-2659]

An update that long can never be good

[@HobieInTheBox]

Fr that was a roller coaster 😭

[@honniah]

This story is so aggravating! I know getting out of an abusive relationship is truly difficult, it's really not as easy as just walking away. But the fact that she still doesn't believe he's truly a bad person, just does bad things every now and again is kind of heartbreaking. He's an abusive, gaslighting, piece of trash. Even at the end she talks as if it's a mutual normal break up, that they both need. He doesn't deserve to be led on or unhappy, we both made mistakes blah, blah, blah. Abused people really get their heads messed up, she just can't see that NONE of this was her fault or normal.

[@TsukiKageTora]

I mean a 28 year old talking to an 18 year old about teaching them how to smoke weed on a trip alone… that is creepy. Creepy in the form of the implications and creepy in the form of the 28 year old not knowing the implications. Obliviousness to the situation, regardless of being friends or not or more, is no excuse. He needed OP for a lesson cause “she’s just a friend” isn’t an excuse in the eyes of the law and if she was just a year younger he could have been in a situation where the law puts him down as a sex offender or something despite nothing happening between them.

[@hvensward]

immediately got bad vibes when hearing that the friend is 18 and this guy is 28... that combined with the secrecy, lying, and manipulation is a red flag. i understand why she wanted to keep trying but i think divorce was the best option in the end. neither of them are in a place to continue that relationship or any. OP is a kind person for not hating or trying to "get back at" her ex. i hope she can heal from this and that her ex gets help for whatever problems he's dealing with that caused him to act that way towards her. it's definitely not a black and white situation.

[@hvensward]

adding that obviously none of this excuses him being way too close with an 18 year old and i hope he continues to not have contact with that girl or any other girls that much younger than him. never a good idea. there is no good reason to have an 18 year old sleep over at your house as a 28 year old (outside of family and other obvious reasons)

[@Gymtoshi]

When he said he was moving out, he was continuing to gaslight, I would have just responded with “k” or not at all.

[@philippamarsh8185]

The husband sounds like he’s got literally nothing to offer. She’s better off out. X

[@AndyyWithAY]

OP get some self-esteem. The few examples you told prior to this were very concerning. You are an easy going person and he lied to you and hid stuff. He's not a trustworthy person. Leave this relationship if you ever want to be happy.

[@pansprayers]

You might want to get some empathy. One of these days, you're going to need help, and when that day comes, I hope for your sake that it's met with a much higher degree of emotional intelligence than you show others. Think about it.

[@ginathecookie]

@@pansprayers I don't think it was said very maliciously She does need to build up her self esteem and protect herself I saw a worse comment that victim blamed her and said she gaslighted herself, actually. Edit: typo

[@00videovideo]

Dealing with a toxic and/or an abusive partner is more difficult than ppl realized. It’s not that simple to just leave and even now I still get moment when I want to go back to them. Having a good support system that will protect you is the best thing that anyone in a similar situation needs.

[@concrete-d5v]

Geez that was like listening to a slow motion train wreck

[@theleftysjournal8781]

Reading this made me cry. I can relate to this story. A lot. 😞. I wish op the best. A good man for a good woman. Hope she find her true love. A man that appreciates her, love her unconditionally. She deserves more. She deserves the world.

[@lostshadows768]

I'd be tempted to tell her there's a change of plans, break up with her, and block her on the phone. Doesn't solve the underlying problems, but would probably ruin his weekend. She needs to really look at why she's staying with this guy.

[@draconisdragonheart4248]

Story 1: She needs to ditch the liar and cheater. This guy is NOT marriage material. She is a chump and a doormat. If you are married you don't sleep with other women or men.

[@LetholdusKaspyr]

I'm remarkably oblivious when it comes to women, but there is no way in Hell I would be sneaking around, spending time with women "friends," when married. I would not lie about time spent with other women. I would not act as if my wife was unreasonable for objecting to me spending time with other women. If my wife was to behave like that, I would assume she was cheating, and even if she wasn't, I could never trust her, because those are all huge indicators of infidelity. Why would I expect a woman to put up with it from me?

[@Resilient_Sage88]

I'm glad she finally ended things, I was getting so irritated at him turning things around on her. "I'm having questionable contact with a girl who's barely legal but how dare you insinuate I had nefarious intentions!" Like they say; if it looks like a duck and acts like a duck and quacks like a duck..

[@pattyslater514]

Life is certainly more stranger than fiction. EVEN after everything said and everything OP has been PUT through she still puts herself out there as an advocate for others that are now once where she was. That! Is a beautiful thing!

[@FanFicnic]

I don’t think it’s appropriate for a 28 yr old man to ever have an 18 yr old girl as a friend.

[@Lady_Blade_WarAngel]

It’s totally not easy to get out of a toxic relationship. It’s even harder to set the boundaries and recognise the signs, the second time around, let alone the first. People who are pulled into these types of relationships, are usually suffering themselves, and that’s usually the type that the toxic partner looks for. Someone vulnerable. Anyone who says it’s easy is a liar. I grew up in a very toxic family environment. My Mum was the vulnerable type. She always seems to find the worst partners. So over the years, I saw the signs over and over. Then when I got into my first relationship, I didn’t see the signs myself. One day, after being with this guy for 3 months, him banging on about how I needed to convert to his religion, it suddenly slapped me in the face. All the signs I missed, were just there. Red flag parade. Once I got out of that relationship, I made a decision to work on myself, emotionally and mentally, before I threw myself into another relationship. Now I’m with someone where we have an open door policy. I mean we talk to each other. If something bothers me, I tell him, and it’s the same the other way round. We make decisions together, have time to ourselves or with friends as needed. We have boundaries for ourselves and for other people. I’m not saying my relationship is perfect. No one’s is. But it’s as good as it gets. I suppose my point is, it’s not easy. But I made myself learn. And that took time. Anyone who says it’s easy, simply doesn’t have a clue Mark. They haven’t gone down the same roads. So while listening to this story, I got mentally frustrated, seeing this poor OP making all the mistakes and ignoring all the signs. But it’s very easy to say that, as someone on the outside, and in the end, she seemed to make the right choice. So I suppose that’s about as much of a happy ending as we can expect from from the situation. 😉👍

[@musetorn]

He can't go sneaking around, l lying to you and going out of his way to decide you about something you may have been fine with, then blame you for being passed about it or not trusting him.

[@nessarolla]

I feel bad for op but its quite obvious that this man is a piece of shiet. He was not "loyal" to the core and op cannot keep using their mental issues and past to validate him. Sometimes giving up is the only way and that is okay. Im just glad op is finally away from him. Op needs to think about themselves and not his issues.

[@fasdfdsdfs]

Yeah, if the husbands intentions were nothing other than company he would've told his wife.

[@stephaniebattison2334]

How on earth did this story even get this far? If my husband (don't have one, but not the point) came to me & was like "oh I've made a new friend, she's 18" I'd be shutting that down then & there. Entirely inappropriate. & where did he even find this 18 year old friend? It's highly unlikely they run in the same social circles. Dodgy as f.

[@Weirdandwonderfull19]

There's a saying that has always stuck with me. Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it. Hope OP is healing and on the road to a brighter future.

[@vickilouise3307]

If I was this women and I found out that my HUSBAND a grown arse man was inviting a literal CHILD to my house to “sleep over” I’d have kicked him out, filed for divorce and have informed her parents straight away. Wtf is she doing! Use your brain, grow a spine and fuck him off. Coming to reddit for advice when all she needs to use is her common sense. All I heard throughout this whole story is she’s making excuses trying to justify his actions and “how he’s a good guy”. And “how’s she to blame as well” and “we both have mental illnesses”. You can have a mental illness and not be a LITERAL creep and cheater. Mental illness isn’t a get out of jail free card.

[@sazzaxeight3124]

How did she see the text the girl wrote as a good reflection on her husband?! Basically the girl said "look I was dreading bringing this up but when you told me to stroke your hair I thought it was creepy and weeeeell over the line" and he brushed it off like he didn't mind to save his own ass. I mean she was clearly trying to say he weirded her out and wanted to put up boundaries ffs why does that make him look good? She probably works with him and is in a lower position and it's gross that he's trying this on a barely legal girl 10 years his junior ~DX he seems manipulative and creepy asf inviting her to get stoned and stay over?! Hope both these girls RUN

[@JMac7395]

I can't stand when people like OP act like they don't know the choice they need to make. Especially when they've been dealing with the same BS for years. OP simply chooses not to make the hard decision of leaving the toxic relationship. OP continues to make excuses for his behavior & character smdh. The husband is not going to change. He's repeatedly crossed boundaries. Also it sounds the husband as been grooming these teenagers. Wouldn't be surprised if he was messing with them when they were 17 yrs old. The only thing a grown man, closer to 30, wants from a 18 yr old is sex. If the husband needs to someone to talk to he has other adult friends his age.

[@SherlockRhodes]

I’ve never been angrier at an OP who is completely NTA. She’s just so unbelievably naïve. Even with people spelling it out for her, she’s like “but he’s sooooo ammmaaaaazing” and I just want to SHOW her how awful he is. He lies to her face and she’s like “I’m mad but it’s ok” like FUCKING STOP THAT” Frustrated is a better word but UGH. She literally said she “didn’t deserve him” and that’s sad as hell. He’s a monster.

[@idiotoninternet]

She is not necessarily naive. She has been abused and gaslit. He has deliberately broken down her confidence and made her second guess herself. That’s what abusers do. A lot of them are masterful at it unfortunately.

[@Tammohawk1]

I left my husband 8 yrs. before he died due to his toxicity. It wasn't easy to do either. It took me some time to make that final decision and leave. Boy was that a wake up call for him. It was the best thing I could have done for us as the last years together were the happiest time we ever had.

[@lilmisskristy5467]

Something tells me the husband knew the barely legal teen when she was a minor. Could of possibly groomed her. Or he creepily waited for her to turn 18.

[@BritInvLvr]

Geez. When OP said, “I feel so stupid” in story one, I called out, “Go with that feeling, Sister”.

[@msredux]

Omg is she blind to red flags? There are so many it's crazy she is still with him, she needs to work on her self steem and to get higher standars for a partner. He manipulate her how he wanted and she kept defending him

[@champslim]

18 year old "friend".... yea no.

[@3rdelement10]

Definitely needs therapy to work on herself, yikes