My Journey on the Spectrum

[@chaostiverdant6196]

I am an anylyser, and a fixer, so telling me you neither want nor require speculation on your brain was ABSOLUTELY necessary! Thank you for handling it so matter of factly.

[@rebeccaburnell9319]

It was (I'm going to re-use a word I applied to her in my own comment under this video) a breathtaking example of boundary-setting and assertiveness!

[@chaostiverdant6196]

@@rebeccaburnell9319 I KNOW, RIGHT? I LOVE IT!

[@rebeccaburnell9319]

@@chaostiverdant6196 two thumbs all the way up!

[@deja3963]

Yup. It was very helpful and appreciated for my brain

[@Eclecticleme]

I'm a fixer too. So I relate. I Just had to dig around in my KZbin comment history to make sure I had not tried to fix / analyse Charlie. It's very hard when you relate personally to what is being said as well as being a fixer add being an overthinker and hoping I hadn't been rude. I think I found them all and haven't been rude/ intrusive (phew). But just in case I have and missed it - sorry.

[@dymphygoossens]

I have AuDHD and I recognize your story. Sometimes the autism masks the ADHD, sometimes it's the other way round. Such a fun combo. /s

[@MissingRaptor]

I've lost track of the number of times I've said "Thank the Gods for the autism." because I've recognized an ADHD trait in myself that is heavily counterbalanced by it😅

[@DinaRamse]

Me too! 😅

[@jessmakingit]

I'm ADHD and find that there seems to be some crossover traits between ADHD and Autism. I've sometimes wondered if I'm both, or not.

[@__reneemaof2]

This! All of this. Especially seeing that inattentive adhd is a key diagnostic for asd....so yea.

[@thekeytotheend]

Yea, I feel this heavily. Got diagnosed with ADHD during university but I felt like something about me was still “off” and so years later I talked to my therapist and we did a screener, which placed me as most likely on the spectrum. Tried to get a full diagnosis but the wait time is 8 years through public health, they actually stopped accepting patients because of how long the wait would be.

[@pmew1609]

I was drawn to your channel because I saw so much of myself in you. That lead me down a year long road to getting diagnosed AuDHD at 43 years old. Thank you for the spark I needed to explore my own brain and figure out why I always felt so alien around people.

[@annamaxflair]

Congrats on getting diagnosed. It's a wonderful thing to gain information and help yourself function to whatever heights you wish to get to. Use your gift, be you regardless of what others may think.

[@allisonwerner567]

Girl, you don't need to state anything. The people who know just know. I am a late diagnosed female with adult ADHD. I am also an artist. Girls/women are all but ignored in the medical field in relation to autism and ADHD as they are most often thought of as a male problem & we present differently than males. I can very much relate to your personality traits & find them entertaining as they often mirror mine. The main difference for me being that I am a major people person, but when that battery is low, I have to shut down to recharge again. I can't tell you how many times you have made me bust out laughing not because you were being intentionally funny but because you did something so in line with how my brain works that it brought me a burst of pure joy seeing it in a like-minded creator. There is nothing better than seeing a person so much like yourself out there in the world doing awesome things. Thank you for being you.

[@ruthkirkparick3535]

I'm the only female in my immediate family. Boy do I relate.

[@laurenouellette6592]

I was going to comment in the same vein, but you already said it better 😄 There are so many of us! It’s nice to be in good company here.

[@Sassy-Grace]

I just commented about being diagnosed a few weeks ago at 26 and everything you said here is so perfect.

[@lauraoneal5146]

GIRL!!!♥️ I’m a 56 year old retired pediatric nurse. I sooooo could step into your shoes right this second and they would fit perfectly. I was going to make a comment but you took the words out of my thumbs before mine had a chance to dance on my phone screen. I saw sooo many kids come into the office who were diagnosed ADD or ADHD and the majority of them were boys. The girls were few and far between. There was a website that our physicians used to print out a “test” for the kids to take or take with the help of the parent. Wellll me being me and feeling something wasn’t right my entire life I took it. I was flabbergasted at my score. Did I talk to my PCP? NOPE! Did I continue to live my life the way I had trained my brain to cope and get through the day with work, raising kids of my own and being married. To this day I haven’t been officially diagnosed by a medical professional (other than myself). My hubby and I have been married 40 years and between him and our now adult children we just go on with mom being an airhead at times, OCD on how things have to be folded in a drawer or being hyper aware of dates and time and letting the house fall down around me and not caring all at the same time. I take it day by day and when I see Charlie post a new video I feel like I am going to go watch myself talk for a bit and I laugh as you do when you go “d@mn that is soooo me!” We all have ways of coping. Some are medicated and others have just developed skills. I feel I see and understand, like Charlie appears to. This is her saying it and not me diagnosing her. It’s so nice to see that there are other females out there that say the things I feel but can’t find the words for and they do and say them!! Thank all of you who have voiced your trials and coping skills. Now I DO NOT FEEL ALONE!!!♥️♥️ Charlie I love you and thank you for just being you exactly how you are. You don’t have to change for anyone unless it’s a choice that you change for you!!♥️♥️♥️

[@historiansrevolt4333]

Ahh, gotta love being women in our 20s and 30s finally realizing all the ways we're neurospicy! Glad you are feeling the support.

[@AdelWolf]

And 40s! I got my dual dx of AuDHD when I was 42.

[@jaybee4118]

It doesn’t seem to be as much fun when you’re realising it in your late 40s and early 50s! Maybe it’s the stress of couple of extra decades of masking… but, I’m glad I’m there finally.

[@FourDyce]

Add 40's to that list! I feel like I'm way behind.

[@FlamorineFashions-yy7ji]

How about only discovering it when you're in your 60s, after being told your whole life that you are crazy and lazy.

[@AdelWolf]

@FlamorineFashions-yy7ji Omg "lazy" is the word I've learned to hate the most! I'm glad you finally got your answers.

[@thatguywhoknits2988]

As someone with late-diagnosed AuDHD (with autism that keeps the ADHD in check, funnily enough), I really relate to your neurodivergence discovery journey. And, frankly, you know yourself and what you struggle with best. There are lots of reasons why people do (or don't) get diagnosed, from financial inaccessibility to simply not caring about the label. Personally, I only went through with it so that I didn't have to fight employers for workplace accommodations. Thank you for your authenticity and transparency, and for showing people that setting strong boundaries is okay (and necessary!).

[@rebeccaburnell9319]

As a new-ishly self-identified autistic woman at age 51, one of my considerations that may end up pushing me to get a formal diagnosis is the thought that someday, it's likely enough that I'll need to go into care as an elderly person (clear of mind or otherwise), and what happens if I don't have a diagnosis through that process? I'm unfortunately fairly sure that even diagnosed autistic people aren't properly accommodated, in terms of their sensory issues etc... but I figure I'm even *less* likely to be given any accommodations if the diagnosis isn't even there. And then potentially medicated with sedatives, too, if my resulting behaviour is "difficult" to manage. idk. I know it's just a hypothetical, but it seems like a reasonable thing for me to consider (I'm on Disability, so there are no workplace accommodations to worry about; senior healthcare seems to be one of the most pressing that's relevant to my situation)

[@justjoannak]

​@@rebeccaburnell9319 It's a mixed bag for accommodation from what I've heard but I would highly recommend getting the diagnosis if you can for legal reasons

[@benandashley15]

I’ve been “dreaming” EXACTLY like this my entire life. 30 years later I still do it and have never heard someone describe the same experience. Why does that make me emotional? Who knows but thank you

[@FourDyce]

Same! Been doing this since I was a very young child. I'm delighted to hear that there are others like us who storytell in our own heads.

[@dees3179]

I’m 46. I do this exact same thing. I believe I’m autistic and adhd, still on two very long waiting lists for diagnosis though. I think they are assuming I’ll die of old age first.

[@ari.arietty]

Me too! And i never talked to anyone about it until recently (months ago, actually). It's so libetaring to hear and read other people talking about it, it giver a huge sense of relief for me.

[@CornOwl]

Yes exactly, when i was younger this storytelling dreaming was my only way to lull myself to sleep, and if ever i “resolved” all of my ongoing storylines (or just got bored of them) i would find myself in a period of intense boredom, that reads to me now as something resembling depression, because it would affect my ability to find anything fun to do, because i was missing that background noise of fun stories to fill up all of my empty time.

[@HeatherEK]

I too have done the same “writing a book in my head” to fall asleep for many many years. I am 67 and have also never heard of anyone else that does this, so nice to find out I am not alone!

[@MissingRaptor]

As a 40yo woman who got diagnosed with autism about 8 years ago and ADHD this year, I find you amazingly relatable. I love your distractions, asides and tangents! I also find the way you make yourself get back on task as a motivational push to make myself find ways of finishing my projects. I'm glad you're discovering these things about yourself 💖

[@theisabellalouise]

"I believe it for you, but not for me" is the realest and most relatable thing I've ever heard. I feel like this entire video was just you crawling into my brain and sharing my own thoughts out loud

[@ninalee31]

Just commiserating here, letting others know they aren't alone. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early-thirties and speaking to the psychologist who diagnosed me, it really explained why I had difficulty with things that other people found common and easy. It also helped explain why I tended to think about things the way I did. Why i come up with 40+ scenarios for every action and end up so overwhelmed that I do nothing. Why my memory has always been bad. Why I hyper focus, then abandon projects. And also why my mum (bless her soul, she was amazing) taught me how to make lists every morning with every single thing I had to do, in order. From wake up, get dressed, toilet, breakfast, walk to bus stop.... It kept me focused and able to function. And i still have to do make those daily lists to this day. When I forget to make my daily list, I'm lost, and I literally forget to eat. The coping mechanisms she taught me before anyone even knew that my brain didn't work like other people's are still working to help me to this day. She used to tell me, there's no such thing as normal. Everyone's different. Everyone's brain works differently. Everyone learns in different ways. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. Being different *is normal*. And being told from a young age that there is nothing *wrong* with my brain, that it's not different, it just works the way I need it to work. Being told that every brain is different actually helped me feel included rather than ostracized, helped me develop good social skills and gave me the courage to seek out a professional diagnosis when i was older. She did tell me later on, she tried to get me diagnosed as a child, but the school psychologist basically told her that girl's don't have ADHD (the 80s were a wild time in mental health), and that really discouraged her from trying to get me outside help so she read everything she could about ADHD, and tried to help me by herself, hoping that I would learn coping mechanisms, and if i wanted to do so, I would get diagnosed on my own.

[@rebeccaburnell9319]

oh my gosh, I love your mother too ♥

[@jessmakingit]

What a great mother! I grew up in the 80's as well. I totally get it. As a girl, you were told you didn't have ADHD as long as you weren't literally bouncing off the walls, or had noticeable behavior problems. Nevermind the daydreaming, hyperfocusing, not focusing at all on the things that weren't interesting to you. I was seen as terribly shy, but in reality I just never felt quite the same. My social timing is horrible. In a group conversation there would be a million scenarios going on in my head and a million things I wanted to say, but wasn't sure I'd say it right, say something sort of inappropriate or controversial. Then by the time I worked out what I really wanted to say, the conversation will have moved on. So early on I'd still say what I had in mind. But quickly learned that having your timing off is seen as unacceptable or weird. So I quickly learned to just say nothing. My mom was very supportive in that She just said that I was creative and artistic and 'in my own world' when my lack of social skills would show themselves. I was just never the kid bouncing around under the table in a restaurant. But I was the kid that felt like a deer in the headlights anytime anyone addressed me because either I had too many thoughts and didn't know what to say on the subject, or I had been off in my own world, either drawing in my head, or drawing in real life, and had no idea what they had asked. Being officially diagnosed in my late 20's did make a difference, as it allowed me to become organized in a more conventional sense. It has helped me learn to navigate the world of others better, although not seamlessly. It takes a lot of work and is exhausting. So I've also learned to limit my time in those situations as well as being unashamed of my neurodivergence, which allows me to lean into my strengths, rather than focusing on areas that are a struggle. Ironically, leaning into my strengths makes the struggle areas less obvious, as well as making me more confident, which allows me to just say to people that they may find me a bit quirky and here's why. I can't change those things and after this long, I'm done trying to be someone that I'm not. Take care and thank you for sharing your story.

[@CWorgen5732]

What a brilliant, smart, wonderful mum. Tell her she's spectacular from me.

[@ninalee31]

@CWorgen5732 I told her I was lucky to have an amazing mum many times when she was alive. The good ones always go too soon.

[@Judymontel]

I'm so impressed with your mother - and I agree with her 100% - everyone's brain IS different. Wow - so great to see this in writing!

[@altaroberts5105]

All the tangents and asides is one of the things that keep me interested.

[@apcolleen]

I don't know if anybody remembers pop up video on VH1, but that was the best thing ever for my brain before the internet. I got music I like to listen to and cool facts. But there wasn't a rewind button and I didn't own a vhs player

[@183Falcon]

Absolutely. The first few times I watched this channel, I was like, What? Her brain works how mine does!!! So refreshing!

[@skywillow]

your journey discovering your own neurodivergence is almost identical to mine! especially the feelings of not wanting to become "more autistic" just because you looked up the symptoms, and relating so much to other autistic peoples' experiences but dreading the idea of a clinician saying you're not autistic, because completing a self-discovery journey just to have its conclusion denied would be devastating (at least for me, personally). in my own journey, i came to the conclusion that i was autistic after spending months going down the autism research black hole (and i still get imposter syndrome even after getting an official diagnosis), but in researching what autism in AFAB people is like, i noticed that autism didn't explain everything for me, yet i related so, so much to the experiences of people who would call out that they had adhd too (thank you to the reddit and youtube communities built around women with autism!). i also feel that i'm more "autism-forward" (and i think this is very common for audhd-ers, too; to have one or the other be more pronounced yet also have their autism and adhd kind of "cancel out" and therefore not realize they have either until later in life), but the combination makes so much more sense for me than just one or the other. thank you for talking so openly about this, charlie - your videos are great!

[@SavvyArtz]

You verbalized a lot of my thoughts so perfectly! I don't relate as much on the ADHD front, but I've thought almost the exact same things about questioning an autism diagnosis, but being scared to pursue diagnosis and also not wanting to influence my brain and start "acting" autistic because I've consumed content about it?

[@Kitanne]

This entire video DEEPLY resonated with me especially the part about wondering if you are autistic and then realizing that perhaps there is another aspect with the ADHD. It just didn't look like the ADHD in the people around me. I was organized and detail oriented where my siblings were distracted and forgetful. I could concentrate for hours! (if the topic was interesting of course) I also had the same fears as you if I get formally diagnosed, what if they tell me I'm wrong? Do I even knowing myself then? What have all these years of rumination and fears been for? For me, turns out I was not wrong at all and was diagnosed as AuDHD this year in my late thirties. It was incredibly scary and nerve-wracking to go through testing but it's also been very healing to work with my also AuDHD therapist. A lot of it is just me talking out my thoughts with someone to guide me or question my "rules". I hope your journey continues to be fruitful!

[@MatChrysan]

Thank you for setting such clear boundaries about what kind of comments you want and don't want. My ADHD means I'm on constant analysis mode and I know that feeling of answered questions so well that I just want to answer them. I really apologize if my comments have crossed that line into armchair diagnosis in the past. I relate to you a lot thanks for sharing all your experiences! It offers some validation for the still unanswered questions in my head.

[@aka_zandiie]

as someone who is 36 with the combo platter of adhd and autism I love to see that its being talked about so much more now and that everyone can share their stories and relate to strangers they have never met. also I loved the straight forward "I'm not asking for help" cause I immediately want to help but the firm but kind no thank you is very helpful for me to be like "ok you got it!"

[@disco_doris]

I got diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago, at the age of 55. I relate so heavily to the dawning realisation that I might have neurodivergance, worrying that a diagnosis would be me just projecting what I'd learned, and going round in circles for quite a while. It did help that both my husband and my best friend independently affirmed me as soon as I started to voice my thoughts. It WAS a huge relief to get the professional diagnosis, but it took me three years to run up to facing that. I'm here to support which ever route you take with it.

[@lindseywhite3371]

Charlie, I'm 44, and I've been asking myself similar questions to you for several years now. Thank you for telling me that it's ok to do so, and that it's also ok to not want the faff and hoop jumping that one has to go through in order to pursue a formal diagnosis. You have no idea how much chats like these mean yo me.

[@wolkehauch7445]

I grew up with two neurodivergent brothers (ADD and ADHD+dyslexia) and compared to them and other close friends with different diagnoses I seem more neurotypical. I've suspected for a long time that I might be on the spectrum but was high functional enough not to need the diagnosis. But the worse my ME/CFS has gotten the less I can compensate for problems due to what is probably AuDHD. It's taken two years and the two different psychologists that I've met with so far definitely thinks I might be Audhd and should continue to be assessed. It's a waiting game at this point. Your video on layers really hit home, I shared it with a few friends because it is the best description of how my mind and senses work that I have ever experienced. I watched it and went "yup, thats me. No wonder I'm so mentally exhausted all the time." We all really need to talk more about what we experience and feel, both on the inside and outside, because when I've talked to or watched videos by neurodivergent people I can get aha-moments about stuff that I believed was absolutely normal and something everybody experienced.

[@apcolleen]

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 36 but as perimenopause started messing with my brain the autistic symptoms started coming out more loudly and it has completely obliterated my executive functioning and ability to sync through projects and concepts so I haven't even been able to work on any of my hobbies in months because I can literally feel the brain calories being consumed for nothing.

[@daalelli]

"No wonder I'm so mentally exhausted all the time." Also, - perimenopause messing with my brain and obliterated my executive function - These two things hit so hard I stalled mentally. Makes me curious if any of the rx that go with any of these dx would help me.

[@apcolleen]

@@daalelli They FINALLY did MRI studies on menopausal brains and they DO phsyically shrink. Estrogen is a fat storage hormone, and your brain is mostly... yes fat. Hormone replacement therapsy has come a long way if you are fortunate enough to be able to do it. It can take a while to dial in the dosage because every body is different and every doctor has their hard-line no-go practices so check with your doctor and if you dont feel you got an actual answer, get a second opinion and just make it your new hyperfocus if you can. The longer you suffer the harder it is to bounce back.

[@anemonenemerosa2882]

I never came across someone whose experiences I can relate to so fully. It is like I have a chaotic toddler and their uptight babysitter in my head. Few years ago (at 29), I was diagnosed with ADHD and I had the very same fear. "It makes sense but what if they (the health professionals) take it away and I'm just a garbage human?" And now im sitting here with my diagnosis and in the last year more and more doublts came up because there are still a lot of things that do not make sense. Then I came across people with AuDHD in social media and OMG... that makes even more sense? And now there's you teling your story and I feel it. Thank you.

[@madebymaryssa]

Very important clarification around 13:35 - it is *hard* to ask rhetorical questions on the internet! (Also, I personally rarely recognize rhetorical questions *as* rhetorical unless they are pointed out to be such.) While there is an increasing amount of autistic representation in media, and also "characters that the showmakers don't explicitly say is autistic but who are widely interpreted as such by the audience", I think I've only ever seen one character in a movie outright say "I have ADHD" - the gang of thieves' car mechanic in 'The Fast and the Furious'. One of my teachers put that movie on right before vacation back in Grade 7 or 8, when I had an ADHD diagnosis but hadn't heard of autism yet, and that line jumped out at me.

[@mheinzle]

OMG! This is me! The story in your head, you need to finish, before being able to concentrate on something else? ME! You explain this so well!! Thank you for that

[@caitlinkermen7274]

Speaking from personal experience, women on the spectrum typically get diagnosed much later than men. And high functioning autism especially when masking well is nearly undetectable. My family pushed for a diagnosis to get me accommodations, and I was given two very conflicting diagnoses from doctors who could not agree less. But honestly, a diagnosis is just words, unless it is truly helpful to you or it is something that you want to regulate with medication it is truly up to you if it is worth the time. Love your channel, love you, and hope you have all the support and positivity surrounding you and your mind regardless of how it works, is an absolute gem full of amazing creativity and kindness. Thank you for sharing your heart and mind with us every in video.♥

[@cristianewenglarek3957]

In February a colleague at work raised the suspicion that I was autistic. The reason for her suspicion was my social anxiety, which became a huge phobia. Through a systematic investigation, made by my neurologist and psychologist together, I found out I'm ADHD and also exceptionally gifted. I understand the relief you talk about because I also have a huge desire to understand why I've always been so different! It's nice to know that my brain is atypical and it took away my guilt for not acting like a neurotypic person.

[@Sassy-Grace]

I was diagnosed with adhd a few weeks ago and the part about writing stories in your head so good you couldn't focus on your homework has me on the verge of tears. You're making me rewrite my childhood through the lens of being an undiagnosed child, not some weird little girl. Thank you, Charlie.

[@CWorgen5732]

If you've ever been told by parents or teachers, "You're so smart! You should be getting scholarships to college! Why can't you put your mind to it?!" That's the one that got me to find a diagnosis.

[@rainonyourfishes]

As an autistic former homeschooler, I've felt such kinship with you for years-- so many things you say have been so familiar. I'm so glad you feel comfortable in your understanding of yourself, that's truly the most important thing. I found your description of autism straightjacketing ADHD fascinating and definitely food for thought! Thanks for sharing with us

[@wandaXmaximoff]

I relate to this experience on so many levels, from the 'fear' of having this explanation taken away, to worrying about what other people will say/think, to the path from believing I have autism, to then also realizing I have ADHD. I have been diagnosed with both this year, and it's been a HUGE relief. Good luck with your journey, and lots of love to you.

[@annacarnahan161]

I was admiring the texture of the handmade object on the back of the chair and how nicely it coordinates and conforms to the shape of the chair and then I realized it was that hat you made! How delightful!

[@plaidonsad8443]

There's been a number of times where I've started watching a creative youtuber, thought 'I really like her vibe, she's so cool and relatable', and then she says she's neurodivergent. Relatable indeed. And getting diagnosed with ADHD somehow did not stop the feelings that I might be misreading my symptoms, even after I stopped masking as much.

[@altaroberts5105]

All the tangets and asides is one of the things that keep me interested.

[@helenobrien60]

As someone who’s ADHD was masked by my Anxiety my entire adult life I can relate. Our brains are so complex; it is amazing how the layers can all interact.

[@maisiecat71]

Late diagnosed AuDHD (at 48) here. Had my suspicions after researching some tools to help my students. Felt like I was looking in a mirror and suddenly my whole life made sense. For me diagnosis was the best decision I ever made about and for my mental health. And it's made a huge difference in how I can relate to my colleagues and students. But it's a very personal and sometimes difficult decision and process and what was right for me won't necessarily be right for other women. I respect and very much appreciate what you shared here Charlie. Thank you.

[@heatherens4836]

Thank you for sharing your journey. As a mom to three young men who are all autistic, two with ADHD to and interest, a lot of what you have to share makes sense. I'm in my late 40s and have had a few friends in my close circle recently officially diagnosed with ADHD which has caused me to question where my brain is at... I've come to the conclusion that I'm neurodivergent, but feel no need to waste money on official diagnosis at the moment.

[@sarahrudd4995]

You have every right to be you, and believe yourself to be something. Please don't change for anyone. I love these videos as they are like a chat with a friend.

[@Siseja]

I'm going through a similar journey with self diagnosing myself as autistic at age 30, so this was really relatable. And I've been relating a lot to all your autistic traits, while a lot of things I've seen from you that ping more towards ADHD I relate less to. Like how your brain operates in so many layers. I've known myself to suffer from depression since my early teens, but now that I'm in the middle of an autism self discovery journey, I'm starting to see a lot of things that I used to ascribe to my depression actually fits a lot better in the autism category. Your explanation of realizingn some of your Neurodivergent traits fitting ADHD better than the autism you thought it was is quite relatable in that aspect

[@bluechampagne11]

Charlie, thank you so much for this video. I'm early on in my self discovery journey, but I am coming to very similar conclusions about myself. The relief I feel when you talk about this is huge. I have a real issue with feeling like I'm faking it, and also a real fear that a professional would tell me I'm wrong about myself. I can't tell you how validating it is to hear you say the same thing. There are so many things I could point to and say "Same!" , but instead I'll just say that you have made me feel so seen, and that I see you too. Thank you for being so open about yourself and your journey.

[@Rebecca88jc]

Perfectly said, same!

[@shaiannwyatt7749]

My mom got diagnosed with ADHD in her late-40s a few years ago. Around the same time, I discovered the word alexithymia, which is what you'd call emotional blindness/trouble identifying or describing what you feel. It's common in people with autism, but can also show up in people with ADHD, or people with neither. It was such a relief to discover a word for that concept since I have such a hard time identifying my emotions. Since my mom got diagnosed, I've sort of wondered if I have it too, or some sort of AuDHD combo. I love watching Charlie partly because of how much I relate to how her brain functions, so...

[@LaLayla99]

I was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression and mild ADHD this past year. I have thought I might be slightly on the spectrum, but for me, it's difficult to tell if it's neurodivergence or a result of being born 75% hearing impaired. I was only given one hearing aid as a child (very long story) and so only had about 50% hearing growing up, until my mid-late 20's when I finally got two. I basically had to grow up a second time and learn how to live outside my own little world and the scripts I would write in my brain that no one else seemed to want to follow. I enjoy your channels and look forward to your videos! 💞

[@CarolineJStone]

The way you described 'dreaming' is so familiar to me. I still do that! In middle school and high school I would fall asleep writing notebooks full of stories. College switched to typing. During covid, I wrote a full novel. Maybe someday I'll do something with those.

[@liav4102]

Thank you very much for the explicit instruction it came at a great point! I really liked how you concluded with what’s really the good of having language to identify ourselves, community. I know I’ve been searching for that perfect way to say “I am me but I’m also kinda like some of you, we can be friends”

[@crazycatdragon]

You’ve just given me a BRILLIANT idea for when I have kids!!!!!! Make sure they all have notebooks and pencils with them and if they have something in their minds distracting them, like stories, they can just stop and write them down!!!!!!

[@jaybee4118]

This is probably what you mean, but I would rather it was “encourage them to” rather than “make sure they” do something/anything. I had a mum that always tried to make me write down everything because it’s what she liked doing. I hate it. I don’t know if I hate it because she made me do it, or if it’s because I actually don’t like it, or if it’s because it turns out I have some processing issues and learning disabilities with writing, but it caused me a lot of stress growing up.

[@crazycatdragon]

@ yes, you understood what I was saying. And I could totally understand if my child didn’t want to write anything down. A notebook and pencil would still be beneficial for clearing their mind. Maybe they could draw, or even just scribble. If it helps them focus. I would LOVE to be able to get everything out of my head but my mind thinks faster than I can write. And I’ve had SO MANY people tell me that I should journal. I hate journaling. When I was with my local mental health place I told my case manager that I hate journaling. What did she have for me the next time I had a meeting with her? A journal. Which she expected me to use. After yet again telling her I don’t ever want to journal

[@foxymitts4557]

'Learn to love them in all their tangled messiness' - that line hit home, cause thats where i'm at with my own brain right now

[@saulemaroussault6343]

I’ll only be one of *checks the comments* A LOT of people who relates to this, but… yeah. I learned that if I’m drawn to someone, they have like 90% chances to have some kind of Autism, probably Audhd. Pattern recognition ✨ Similar ways of communication ✨ similar life experiences ✨ I tryyyyy very hard not to peer-diagnose people on the spot, but sometimes I have to at least hint at it, because they seem so lost. I stumbled upon your channel…Idk which video it was, but about 5min in, I had strong suspicions. At the end, I knew. Thank you for being your wonderfully chaotic self on the internet ! I think it helps a lot of people.

[@MaryanneN_]

Charlie - you are just simply, utterly awesome! Love everything about this 💜

[@binglemarie42]

I love hearing your perspective about your brain! You communicate so clearly, and I deeply appreciate how you set out your boundaries. You're someone I really admire. I've been unmasking long-standing brain injury symptoms on about the same timeline as you've been unmasking yours, and I can't help but think that you contributed to me getting comfortable enough to do that. Thank you for helping me to feel secure enough to stop masking, and thank you for every video you post! 😊

[@Frutsels]

My husband is in the process of being diagnosed with autism, after having his ADHD diagnosis for a few years now. For a while I thought I had ADHD as well, but as it turned out my working memory is very full and I’m in the gifted category, making for a lovely messy head (and space around me). If you are AuDHD, that would explain why I love following your stuff as the non-linear and creative way my husband’s brain works is one of the reasons why I love him as much as I do. Thank you for giving us a glimpse of how yours works. We appreciate it.

[@mischiefmerchant]

As someone who believes they are on the spectrum, and several other people close to me have pegged me as such, this video is very comforting and confirming. Thank you.

[@sewingal17]

I think you are incredibly brave to share so much of yourself in a place that is not always receptive and people love to shame and ridicule. I appreciate your honesty and enjoy listening to you. Keep up the good work!! ❤

[@thederpstate3330]

As someone with adhd. Routine is really important to my mood and productivity. Its just also very hard to self impose. If your systems are working for you then thst is excellent

[@lesleygoodall-page8035]

I have ADD and Autism and some other disorders. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 50 and I’m still learning. I had to diagnose my self after watching a documentary about ADHD. I was like that’s me! As time goes by I see more and more that confirms my “official “diagnosis. I always knew that something was different.

[@morgonerlenstar]

Thank you so much for sharing your brain 🧠 journey with us. I’m learning lots, some things resonate with me and other things remind me of friends. I believe we are all our own kind of weird 😅😊. Thank you for being you ❤🙏

[@Ferry-ug6ip]

Be whatever you are! I love your vids regardless. Instead of my autism keeping my adhd in check, my adhd keeps my autism in check- but now that I'm medicated, when I am medicated my Autism, especially my sensory issues, goes THROUGH THE ROOOOOOF.

[@Museofmemory]

Adult female ADHD diagnosis here. I very much understand the desire for official diagnosis vs the fear of invalidation. In the end it's worth knowing either way, either because you get the diagnosis you expect and can start REALLY learning, or you can move on and stop wondering. So, some insight on my own journey with psychiatry and psychology and ADHD groups. My whole life ADHD had been presented to me as a learning difficulty, a cognitive disability, which I KNEW wasn't me, could never be me as I was the very best at learning. I had a curious mind and loved to read and was great with words and filled to the brim with interesting facts. Lo and behold, interacting with mental health professionals, it was explained to me that it is no longer considered acceptable to present ADHD as a learning disability. Rather, current understanding paints us as specialised brains. Commonly this is referred to as the hunter/farmer theory. Neurotypicals being the "farmers", and ADHDers being the "hunters". The former being the stay at home, stick to a schedule, plan carefully, take no risks sorts, the latter being the take ALL the risks, chase the thing that moved in the bushes, run till you can't run anymore just because it's fun, adrenaline makes you calm, what's a schedule and can I eat it, sort of person. Now, anyone who's actually spent ANY time on a farm, riding horses, wrangling sheep, chasing chickens, throwing their entire body into hard labor for immediate tangible results can tell you there are large holes in the theory. BUT! The premise holds true. In every age before the current one, there have been places for people who work better with intensity and novelty than with routine. Since the industrial revolution, those places have been shrinking, brought under the tyranny of the punch clock, the 9 to 5, the lunch hour, the school bell, the standardised test. All the things we ADHDers struggle with are invented obstacles. I'm not saying they're necessarily bad - taxes and mortgage forms are probably important - but they're also made up nonsense created to order the lives of neurotypical people. Not us. This is why we struggle, not because we are deficient, but because we live in a world that fits us about as well as glass slippers fit step sisters. They call our minds "interest based" (which sounds a little self serving, I know) and refer to many of our behaviours as dopamine seeking. For a long time it's been believed that our brains are either unable to create enough of certain neurotransmitters (such as dopamine), or that we are insensitive to them. Current research suggests instead that our brains are simply too good at clearing them away. This is why we get so unbearably, maddeningly bored. Why our minds are uniquely suited to high risk environments. Why when the adrenaline kicks in, we focus up without being overwhelmed. Why every little thing that catches our interest makes our brains literally activate. Why excercise helps us think (hello hyperactives!) and being told to sit still is like having a rusty iron poker slowly inserted through your temporal lobe. Why jumping jacks improve our math scores. Why we cannot for the LIFE of us pay attention to a stupid 15 minute anecdote, but we can literally play video games for 24 hours straight. Why we tend to gamble more, drink more, party more, have more sex, ANYTHING that makes the brain go bzzzzzz! Food actually tastes better to us. And caffeine is god. The biggest thing I learned in my diagnosis journey though, was that other ADHDers are just normal people. All the lovely folks I met in our groups, struggling to put the pieces together, to figure themselves out, they were normal. People with families and jobs and talents and plans. People who'd been places and done things. We're not "wrong", there's nothing broken about us. And knowing ourselves, why we are the way we are, is SO freeing. The burden of guilt for not fitting in and being what's expected can be crippling, and it doesn't have to be. It is possible to be happy. And knowing why the world doesn't fit us gives us the power to cut it to fit better in a million little ways. Best of luck to you on your journey, wherever it may lead! And to all my fellow ADHDers, you've got this!

[@tynebaker]

Love the clear boundaries you are setting! Thanks for sharing your experience.

[@Pie-dough]

This is so cool that you are talking about this right now. My entire life I’ve always been teased about how similar I am to my oldest brother, and he recently got diagnosed with autism. I have always studied how my brain works, and as I was studying about autism because I wanted to understand him better, I realized how much I relate to, and how much I think I’ve been masking. So I’m pretty sure I’m autistic, and my brother has actually voiced that he thinks I’m autistic. Another part about studying how my brain works, is because I noticed how different I was to other kids. They were talking and socializing, whereas I was sitting by myself and creating stories in my head. I’ve also noticed a reflex that I have whenever there are a lot of people, or it’s loud, (I also have a songs pretty much constantly playing in my head) the song I have playing in my head will get really loud, or I’ll start creating a story even if I don’t want to. So I have been chatting with my brother about all this, and he relates to most of it, so it’s been a journey.

[@dragonmakr2159]

When I was a kid in the ‘70s, autistics were the shut-in kids. You know, the ones who sat in a corner, rocking and couldn’t speak. They also couldn’t have diagnosed me as ADD/ADHD ‘cause those things didn’t have names. It wasn’t until my nephew was diagnosed with Asperger’s (now a discredited term named for an actual Nazi) that I started looking deeper into my issues and was tested to learn that at the very least ADD goes along with my learning disabilities (yay, Disgraphia!). Am I on the autistic spectrum? Maybe, maybe not. But like you, Charlie, I’ve come up with lots of coping mechanisms that allow me to more or less function in the world, as well as carving my own niche to fit into. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and journey! You are great company as I sit and sew (which is how I make my living).

[@bleuumscarlett7977]

I love these introspective chats, because i'm kind of on that same journey of self discovery, but i'm still on the level of "i think it's plausible". I definitely relate to the not wanting to research and only analysing yourself thing. My fear, as probably many experience, is that if i read and research too much on the subject, all my experiences will be "tainted" and it will be impossible to tell if i'm faking it because i read about it and "want the label so much" or if it's truly my experience with no outside force involved. I feel like an imposter in so many spheres of my life already, i don't really want to add another on top lol. But you know, being autistic would answer so many "is this why i do/feel X?" questions i have, and it would be awefully convenient and simple if the answer was yes, but what if i'm just normal, whatever normal means? Am i trying to be special and different just for the fun of it? Anyway. I'm at that stage in my self analysis 😅

[@emrys7168]

I love your asides and tangents (they are very much a part of how I think and communicate too) and your recent video about your brain being an orchestra was glorious. I don't think my brain has quite so many levels at all times, but the way you described it was beautiful and made so much sense. Thank you for talking about this stuff.

[@ladyselena255]

So much of this sounds very relatable to me. From the no eye contact, not needing people, to the constant story telling, and busy brain. My own diagnosis? CPTSD. Our brains are fascinating little monsters that can lead to so many similar behaviours through different routes. Only you know your brain and your life, so in the end, only you can say why you are the way you are. And the way you are... is wonderful! Thank you for sharing your musings and insight!

[@alandracoffey2919]

I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until college because it was effecting me more when I was transitioning from living at home to living on campus and going to classes. I had known my entire life that I had ADHD and just "dealt with it" fast forward to college I discovered that if you had a diagnosis for any disability, autism, ADHD, dyslexia, ect so I talked to my parents and got tested. I went in telling them that I didn't want to have any meds, this was just to help me with school. So I got tested and on top of ADHD I got diagnosed with anxiety (specifically test anxiety but it spills over into every day life). Looking back I found that the second diagnosis made more sense the more I connected the dots. For me knowing it and being diagnosed helped my brain understand that I wasn't being lazy but I was just struggling keeping up the Nero typical people. I had my own way of doing things and I was okay with that. Now 10 years later, I know I have more energy and I talk a bit much in certain circles but I'm understanding my brain more and more and learning what helps me grow and do better in life with ADHD and anxiety. As cliche as it sounds consistent exercising has helped burn off extra energy, and keep me from spiraling with anxiety and depression. It's great to see someone else saying similar things to what I grew up with, and it definitely helps with imposter syndrome.

[@stickywiggit]

I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was 40 so I completely relate to the whole "child-you figured out how to manage your own brain so no one knew you had a problem." I started suspecting something was wrong in graduate school (but, yeah, looking back... let's just say the signs were there). I remember I walked into the therapist's office and asked about getting assessed for ADHD and they told me it would have been impossible for me to get into graduate school if I had ADHD so they weren't going to do the assessment. Years passed. I got a career in the sciences but I was having a really hard time keeping my life together. I contacted a therapist who, again, told me it was impossible. But now I had friends who were scientists with formal diagnoses so this time I insisted. The results were hilariously clear and gave me relief for the first time in years. I wasn't stupid, or irresponsible. I was neurodivergent. I've been getting better and better at accepting my brain as it is and learning new and better ways to manage it. It's exactly as you describe - you cannot fight the ADHD. You cannot tell your brain to stop doing what it's doing. You can only redirect the energy. It's like managing a toddler only it lives inside of you and will never ever grow up. But, man, get a bunch of ADHD folk together, let them unmask, and it's pure JOY. The last conference I went to ended with a bunch of us 40 year old professional career women literally running around an aquarium in dresses and heels because we were really excited about the shark tank. As frustrated as I feel sometimes, I think there is a real strength to ADHD if you can figure out how to harness it.

[@spider1g5]

Diagnosis is a relief- and a pain, a pain because you realize the issue cannot be treated/fixed/lessened. I had to self diagnose my misophonia (even now the autocorrect is trying to tell me how to spell it), my only comfort is knowing what my triggers are and how to lessen my exposure- earplugs are socially acceptable y'all! I'm glad you are on the journey and enjoy listening to you talk.

[@Hippiechick11]

I love your videos. No matter how your brain works, it is a joy to watch them. Whatever causes your brain to do what it does, I think you are brilliant. I hope you find the answers to the questions you are asking.

[@zazkate]

I think the level of your self-knowledge is commendable.

[@jennyhoward8655]

Thank you ❤ I too am self diagnosing and analysing my own brain. It’s so nice hearing other women discussing their own experiences.

[@lilithmoody7356]

Love you, hun! Love listening to how you think.

[@kathymarshall220]

Honestly, even after I reached the point where I felt comfortable saying that I’m autistic, the imposter syndrome feelings were a recurring visitor until I had my formal assessment. Just to give that a timeline, I learned that autism exists when my eldest was diagnosed at 2. By the time he was 4 I started finding answers to a lot of questions about myself in what I learned about autism to improve my parenting of him. 13 years after that my stepdaughter was also diagnosed in her teens and I learned more about how it appears in girls and women and started to feel comfortable identifying as autistic. And then four years later I finally got my diagnosis at age 40. So it took me the best part of two decades to figure out something that, when I’ve disclosed my diagnosis to those who know me well, was apparently so obvious to others that their response is usually “yeah, that makes sense!” 🤦‍♀️😂

[@thefoundbird9862]

I enjoy all your content so much and I’m so grateful that you share so much with us. Thank you! Sending virtual hugs if you want them.

[@Eclecticleme]

Love listening to your journey stories - they are important for people on their own journeys

[@angimojo72]

I was drawn to your other page because I wanted to try to sew a garment and was scared to try. Your willingness to show your 'fails' just made it seem less scary for me to get in there and try. You don't only show your perfected projects, you "show your work" for the good and bad and I appreciate that. I find you very relatable and you've taught me lots of things about sewing and fabrics along the way. I am extremely socially awkward and you crack me up about your aversion to social interactions because I can really relate to that. I like your honesty and stories and your "I'm just gonna wing it" philosophy because, aren't we all? I wish you all the best and I look forward to your next project. 😊

[@angimojo72]

p.s. I didn't put that link in there, promise. 😂

[@PamWillis-o4v]

Thank you for sharing your journey! You are helping so many of us just by being vulnerable.

[@froggyjen9791]

Thank you for sharing this. I love it! I've recently been going through my own AuDHD diagnosis, so hearing this is so affirming. I've always resonated with your joy when you present an idea or final product, and now I know why! Truly, thank you 💕

[@allie9855]

Hearing you say that stating out loud because you'd been saying it inside for so long was exactly how I felt. By the time I was ready to verbally acknowledge my neurodivergence, I had already worked through so much internally, it wasn't this big Moment anymore. Also coming to the conclusion that self diagnosis is valid, agree 100%

[@ThomiBMcIntyre]

Well, I’m really glad for this. I’m 51, and spent the day writing a narrative on my life in prep for an autism assessment. I started looking into it and myself about 5 years ago, too. Watching you over the last year(ish) has really helped me look at my studio practice in a whole new way - basically, I have learned from you that my creativity is mine. Not sure what clicked that into place that you did, but I appreciate you being out there.

[@rholt8800]

I find you delightful no matter how your brain works. We have a lot in common. I have no diagnosis, nor do I care. Just be yourself and create what you want. Wishing you love and happiness!

[@Robinftw]

The dreaming thing. ... I am relating so hard. I figured out that I'm neurodivergent a few years ago and being diagnosed for almost a year. It changed so much of how I treat myself and unterstanding myself. Childhood as an undiagnosed neurodivergent kid is so hard

[@laura34688]

I'm happy to see this 2nd channel succeeding for you, and for me it's extremely relaxing and helpful.

[@funkway]

I love the way you talk about your journey - it's way more approachable and normalized than content creators who are solely focused on talking about neurodivergence. I guess because there's not all the "buzzwords" and academic talk. It's just an every day story. And it really highlights that all neurodivergent people have different experiences, but common themes. I lived with undiagnosed anxiety(and probably a sprinkling of autism) until I got out of college. Once I was diagnosed and medicated for my lifelong anxiety, ADHD started spilling through. I have found myself doing things now that my anxiety would have never allowed. But honestly I'll take the ADHD version of autism over the anxiety version of autism haha.

[@BlinkiesNoGood]

I relate so hard to that feeling of relief when you find an explanation for yourself that makes everything click into place. When a teacher suggested I get my kid evaluated for ADHD, I researched it in a totally normal way: by buying a 900-page medical textbook on the latest research and reading it cover to cover. I was only a couple chapters in when I saw a particular phrase: "low frustration tolerance". I stared at that phrase thinking "Wait ... that's one of my most annoying personality traits. Is it an ADHD thing??" and it was like one of those Magic Eye pictures suddenly came into focus. All of a sudden things I'd struggled with my whole life made SENSE, I wasn't just lazy and childish, I had something measurably different in my brain function -- not wrong, not broken, just different. Reading that textbook helped me advocate for myself as well as my kid, and now we both have a better understanding of how our brains work and medication to help adjust ourselves when we need to work differently. Ironically I also got some non-textbook "regular people" books on ADHD from the library and I just ... couldn't get through them. Kept getting bored or distracted or getting to the end of a page and realizing I hadn't actually read anything on it. Turns out I needed that high-density textbook information format, just far enough out of my academic experience that I had to look up words I didn't know.

[@rebeccaburnell9319]

whoa "turns out I needed that high-density textbook information format..." uh.... yeah. I've never heard anyone utter anything resembling that string of words before, but yeah. many times, "regular" books aren't interesting somehow. To the point of not being able to bother picking them up and even just trying them. But give me a big ol' textbook and I' in heaven, possibly discovering a new topic of hyperfocus interest that I'd never even considered before... I just thought the Brick Of Knowledge on the shelf looked like it might have something to say so I picked it up...

[@183Falcon]

This is so funny. Last month, I went to a new doctor who suggested that I read a popular ADHD book for women...and I had to admit to her that I'd already tried to read it 3 times! I did eventually make it through the audiobook (well, most of the way), but maybe I just need something more academic.

[@joelledurben3799]

Absolutely love this! So many things I relate to, and some that I don't. Thank you for all you do to make fun safe places online!

[@ubiquitousLeees]

You’re so relatable, and I appreciate your vulnerability.

[@Inlelendri]

Thank you for voicing so many of these things. They overlap with so much of what I have been thinking myself about all of that only for me to dismiss it as just being stupid or silly (echoing what I've been told from others), and it's helped knowing that someone else has many of those thoughts as well. Even the stories to sleep to, though I started managing with audiobooks instead. And now I worry about what I've written, go figure.

[@rosalieirenen]

I'm both (more adhd than asd), officially diagnosed four months ago, at the age of 35, but started suspecting for years through random info found on the internet and self-reflection myself. And only after proper research on the topic did I realize why I gravitate towards your videos even if i never did and most likely won't touch knits, lol. Cause you are (creative! Yes, but also) very vocal about the struggles you have during the process and seem to have been dealing so well with it and in peace, and it's actually very inspiring. I truly find the way your brain works fascinating and familiar, hahaha. I'm also a big fan of being open about it and destigmatizing both

[@hannabusse8137]

yay

[@fuzzyartemisofficial]

I wish you the best on your journey towards finding the answers you wish to find. I am one of those with ADHD that loves to watch your content, and I wasn't diagnosed until this last year. It's very common for women to be diagnosed later in life due to the masking we do. Keep doing what your doing and know I'm one of those in the background routing for you.

[@zanili]

Not commenting on your journey, but sharing my experience. But I suspected for a long time that I was autistic and eventually was diagnosed with it. And was told I likely had adhd as well, though they were not qualified to diagnose that. Being Audhd explains a lot of things for me, and I find that my symptoms/experiences align most closely with those who have both rather than those who have one or the other. This was contributor to self-doubt when I was first learning about autism since I was seeking other autistic people who I related to, but not fully. I like your approach of focusing on your own experiences and the way your own brain works.

[@missvioletnightchild2515]

Are you me? Cause same, basically

[@DakotaAbroad]

I first kinda understood what autism was when I was in undergrad in my early 20s and when I was reading that article I thought "holy shit. I wish I was autistic. It would explain SO MUCH." and I never really thought about it again until COVID-19. It affected me in a lot of ways it wasn't affecting the people around me. I started seeing more things online about autism. I got assessed for autism and ADHD in December 2023. My psychiatrist said in January 2024, at the age of almost 33, that I was DEFINITELY autistic. He said we'd discuss the ADHD later after we figured out a way to handle the meltdowns and shutdowns I was having due to the autism. We never talked about ADHD because he's not a great fit for me and 90% of my sessions are just me going "things are the same" and him going "okay. See you in a few months then.", but I scored really highly for it as well. Despite this I still have trouble not thinking maybe I'm faking it and making it up in my head. It's rough. But mostly it is a relief having words for it and not feeling broken.

[@athena00125]

For a long time, I hated myself. I thought there was something wrong with me. Turns out, getting hit by a car and having a serious concussion and brain bleed will mess with you. I thought it would fade over time, turns out it's a lifelong injury that I'm just going to have to cope with. Memory loss, easily distracted, difficulty managing emotions, etc. I've found that using the same techniques that ADHD people use to be productive and stay focused really helps. So, I have found myself watching a ton of ADHD creators.

[@littlemarshmallows]

I relate to your neurodivergence videos *so much*. Thank you for sharing. ❤

[@katiegott4655]

Oh my goodness, I feel and think almost exactly the same way about myself. I have always related to you so strongly, but couldn’t really put my finger on why. I don’t sew, but I am so similar in the way I approach my craft, which I think is what drew me to your videos when I accidentally discovered your channel a few months ago. Thank you for sharing, you make me feel validated.

[@worrywort27]

Thank you for sharing your journey, Charlie! I have been relating to you from a core level since I started watching your videos ages ago. We have very similar logical pathways, I also sew my own clothes without ever really using formal patterns, and I have referred to my mental filing cabinet for most of my life. My brain will file away all sorts of minute details, then process them all in the background each time a new piece of relevant information comes in, and start connecting dots to make patterns and fuller pictures that bubble up to the top layer of thought. This is how I also came to a place of self diagnosis for autism back in my late 30's. Only this year, at ripe old 40, did I realize the exact same thing about ADHD potentially being a factor, and a major disruptor to my progress towards goals. It was out of a place of wanting medical help to control the ADHD that I finally got my assessment for both autism & ADHD back in October. Both are now medical professional confirmed, and I am on some awesome meds that have made a huge quality of life impact. I never thought I needed an autism diagnosis, because what good would it do? But the ADHD revelation made it worthwhile.

[@keriezy]

It is one heck of a journey you've been on! I fully relate. Thank you for sharing!! As for myself, I wear a very very good mask.

[@QueenRavanna13]

I'm really glad you've started this channel, especially because I'm finding out that I am similar to what you've been expressing on your channel. Its been really relieving to hear your experiences. I've been on a journey of self exploration for about a year now as I've been staying home to raise my son. Its been interesting to watch my masks fall off and realize that I've been hiding so much from myself for years. Im just now learning that i have extreme sensitivity issues (I can't stand a dirty floor because crumbs stick to my feet and drive me crazy.) And i didn't know i had all these things. I also have realized that like you, my probable adhd and autism have been fighting each other and so I maintain a semblemce of normalacy because of that. Thank you for sharing your stories.

[@rebeccaburnell9319]

I managed to keep everything together as an undiagnosed autistic girl/woman (with increasing difficulty), until I became a mother. All of a sudden everything fell off the rails hardcore. It took probably 10 years of therapy before I began to learn how to scratch at the *surface* of my mask, and then for the next 9 years of therapy I slowly uncovered bits and pieces of its surface, and even see underneath through a crack or two, unsure of what I was discovering. Started paying attention to autism 3 years ago (when things I was finally realizing in therapy started to create *weird* moments of intense recognition to things some autistic people described), and really began researching a year after that. Put the final pieces together in January. Turns out part of the reason everything was so difficult (as an undiagnosed person in general, as well as even just figuring out that there was a mask to begin with) was because I'd repressed the sensory stuff so completely (because it was presented to me as utterly unacceptable when I was a kid) that I've kind-of turned off the signals your body would normally send you to tell you STOP, NO, OMG NO... or at least, muffle them to an incredible extent. Can cause all sorts of *other* knock-on/ripple-effect problems for how you experience & make sense of life. Beginning to learn how to listen to your body again (and to take it seriously and then make accommodations for yourself) is... idk. Intense. ... I'm glad you're finding answers (and hopefully, accommodations) ♥

[@ruthkirkparick3535]

Your "musings" are why I keep listening (my busy hands need my visual attention) and why I relate. When people assume I need their answers to questions I am posing to myself (I often talk out loud to help me focus), I realize just how different their thinking is from mine. I've no idea if I fit under one, more or any category that other people would recognize. The ones I use for and to myself are things like nitpicky aka detail oriented. I've come to understand where/when ones like that example come up, I can translate for myself whether that particular job posting or other interaction with other brains is going to be good for mine. There are many things I have no words to describe but perhaps chaotic will cover them in a general sense. If a family member asks, "What's up (with you)?" my response is "Jumping bean brain." A bonus to participating in your posts, is reading the comments. It's reassuring, interesting, and, I can absorb some of that empathy/kindness when I need it. I started watching you because of how you sew. I will continue to tune in because of the way you explain things about yourself--oodles of food for thought.

[@sparklingrosecreations]

Yes I do relate to all you have said today. I have been on my own self discovery the last couple of years, learning to unmask, learning what works and what not works for me. I'm not diagnosed because that would require me to do it and that alone is very overwhelming. but I know I am adhd and ocd, I consider myself a functioning neurospicy gal. I have made my quirks work for me the best I can. Thank you for sharing your story, It is always wonderful to know we are not alone.

[@ruthdarling1381]

I am loving hearing about your journey while I go through my own. I saw three therapists who all suggested I might be neurodivergent before I started thinking maybe I wasn’t just somehow manipulating them into thinking that. Personally I used to call my generationally long and complex stories in my mind ‘Think-dreaming’ because I was in control of what was happening and, as you said, the term ‘day-dreaming’ really didn’t quite encompass the lifetimes happening in my head.

[@lighthseskr]

A month away from 66, so relate to you and no matter what "diagnosis" you may or may not have, doesn't matter to me because I find you relatable and many times comforting in regards to my own behaviors. Keep doing you, I love it.

[@christineg8151]

The way you talked about telling stories to yourself to fall asleep is VERY much a thing I still do. I often have issues falling asleep, and working my way through stories is the perfect way for me to actually wear my brain out. Reading before bed is a BAD idea for me, because the physicality of paper makes it harder for me to just stop when I get to a good stopping point. Telling my own stories means I can replay the fun scenes, work through things I wasn't sure about how to tackle, or just explore alternative endings. I still don't fall asleep easily, but it helps a lot. It took me years to realize I might have ADHD (I was diagnosed at 38), in part because a lot of the "typical" symptoms just didn't manifest. I had great grades in high school, I almost never studied for tests and still got straight A's. I never got in trouble for not paying attention in class. But I burned food regularly while I was cooking, and I often read (things that weren't textbooks) in class. The symptom that someone mentioned that made me go looking into the possibility of a diagnosis was my clumsiness- I regularly run into the edges of doorframes, support poles, furniture, etc. I've gotten in more car accidents than my 3 younger sisters combined. I can trip on perfectly flat ground. Hearing someone else mention that as a symptom made me go "Hmm..." Just like with autism, the symptoms for women with ADHD are very different from men, and it's not the representation you see in media. Once I started looking into it, SO much of my past could be explained by the ADHD, and it made me feel both relieved that I had an answer, and frustrated that no one had noticed earlier. I'm just now starting to explore the possibility that there might be autism in there somewhere as well, but we'll see how that manifests. SO many symptoms of both overlap, that it can be harder to figure out.

[@Aduah]

Whats crazy to me is ive kinda of gone on this exact same journey as you in probably almost the exact same time line. A lot of the things you've said are also things ive thought and asked myself as well. Its interesting that this monologue could very well have almost come from myself. Keep being you Charlie. From one hermit to another, thanks for being here. ❤

[@TheCalucita]

Thank you for sharing and apologies for [most likely] crossing the line before. I have gone through my own self discovery journey and late diagnosis. I want to spare people the pain of not knowing, of not understanding themselves, and you're right, it's not my place ❤ I, like many of my AuDHD friends, mourn the time "lost" struggling because we didn't know until our 30's. 💜 Aaaaaanyway :) see you on the next one

[@kimberlyallen6582]

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself here.